A Visit to the Cinema

*** Hi everyone.
The author asked me to comment on this story here. So if you don't like someone constantly interrupting and making malicious comments, then you're in the wrong place. Oh yes, if you're interested, I'm Gloria. My age? Well, that's really not important! Well, let's turn to the story. – Oh yes, when I have something to say, it is written between asterisks.
So the main character is a normal guy, just 16 years old and – how could it be otherwise – gay. If you think that this is already the end of the story – think again! That's the advantage of an omniscient narrator – I know that he is gay. He doesn't. Oh, and for the record: his name is Nathan Ziegler, he's about 175 cm tall, has brown hair and a pretty good figure. ***
Nathan sleepily feels for the alarm clock that had just abruptly woken him from his dreams. Why couldn't the semester holidays have started yet? No, instead there were still a few tests and schoolwork to be done in the next few weeks.
Not that Nathan was a bad student, but somehow he lacked the right connection to the others. The other boys in his class were beginning to take more and more interest in girls, but he couldn't quite understand this interest. He only got along reasonably well with Robert. They often sat together in the afternoons working on maths problems for the next lesson or on Cicero's speeches on various topics.
*** We'll spare you the usual stuff like showering, brushing your teeth and so on and so forth, I'm sure everyone knows how that goes. The only noteworthy thing is that Nathan only drinks a cup of coffee in the morning. So, after crossing out all the unimportant things, we'll accompany him to school right away. ***
Monday morning began as usual with a double period of chemistry. Nathan and Robert, who also sat together in the chemistry classroom, joined the rest of the class, who found it difficult to get excited about the professor's lectures on Mondays at 7:30 a.m., surrounded by various chemicals (the architect would have been better off planning ventilation for the chemistry classroom).
At least he allowed himself to be persuaded not to ignore the break as usual, but to treat himself to a snack.
‘So, how was your holiday?’
‘Oh, it was okay. The usual. Christmas, then a short break from the party and an almost seamless transition to the New Year's Eve celebrations, and then the “same old” skiing holiday,’ replied Robert.
‘Well, something like that. And what did you do on New Year's Eve?‘
’Actually, I wanted to go to Karin's party, but my parents didn't allow it. So I sat at home. We ate cold cuts, watched TV and poured lead at midnight.‘
’And what did you get?’
‘No idea what it was. It looked a bit like goat shit. Not very promising.’
‘Take comfort in the fact that my New Year wasn't any more exciting either.’ Nathan was about to start his description, but the bell interrupted him.
*** At this point, I want to finish where Nathan was interrupted. His New Year's Eve wasn't any more exciting either, especially because he hadn't been invited to Karin's party. ***
The rest of the morning was pretty much business as usual. The two boys took part in class more or less actively, discussed their holidays and arranged to meet after school. They were separated for the last two hours because Robert was taking art while Nathan had chosen music because his drawing skills were rather limited.
*** Not that music lessons were all that much more interesting – the curriculum states that 16-year-olds should be interested in music history – but some art teachers are true pedagogical geniuses. And after asking for the umpteenth time what this was supposed to represent, Nathan had decided that he would rather struggle with music history than opt for ‘advanced humiliation’. ***
Nathan had barely started on the maths homework when Robert rang the doorbell.
‘Hey, I was just about to start without you.’
‘Sorry, I couldn't leave earlier. My mum hadn't finished dinner yet.’
A short time later, the two of them were sitting over the examples and were pleased to find that the professor had had a good day.
‘What are we going to do with the rest of the afternoon?‘
’I don't know. What do you think of just listening to music and chatting a little?‘
’Ok. Put something on.‘
When the first bars of “The Miracle Of Love” sounded, Robert's face took on a pensive expression.
’Tell me, have you ever really been in love?’
‘I don't think so. And you?‘
’Hm, I don't know. I met a nice girl on a skiing holiday...‘
’And? Have you – you know?‘
’Where do you think. After that weird community evening in our guesthouse, she kissed me on the cheek, but that was it.’
Nathan realised that Robert was obviously still a little hung up on his holiday acquaintance and therefore tried to change the subject.
‘Do you know what film we're going to see at the cinema on Thursday? Ms Stangler hasn't said anything about it.’
"No idea. But knowing her, it's bound to be interesting. She just said that it fits in with our next topic, “tolerance”.’
Ms Stangler, given the awesome abbreviation StaPe by the computer, was responsible for teaching English in the class. After four years with various other teachers, she took over the class last year and taught many a student, accustomed to convenience, how to work. With snappy sayings, she kept order in the class like no one else and often caused incredulous amazement when she impressively ensured quiet. ***
‘I'm getting an ice cream. Do you want one too? Hello!’
‘Hm, what did you say? I was just lost in thought.’
"I noticed that. Do you want an ice cream?’
‘Yes, please,‘ replied Robert.
When Nathan returned with two cups of vanilla ice cream with thick chocolate sauce, Robert had changed the CD.
’Cos every time I seem to fall in love, Crash! Boom! Bang! I find the heart but then I hit the wall, Crash! Boom! Bang!...‘
’Here's your ice cream.’
They ate their ice cream in silence for a while, then Nathan said, ‘You loved her, didn't you?’
‘I don't know. I don't know what's going on with me. You think you're just having fun together and then you get a kiss and suddenly everything is different.’
"Do you have her address?’
‘No, I forgot that, idiot that I am. But at least she asked for mine."
*** Well, well, that's how they are, men. If we women didn't always think for them, some dream couples would have been lost forever. They were just prototypes, after all. ***
The two of them spent the rest of the afternoon playing various board games until Robert finally went home in the evening. That night, Nathan lay awake for a long time, wondering how he could cheer Robert up, because this business from the skiing holiday had obviously affected him more than he was willing to admit.
That night he had another strange dream: he is standing in a large ballroom and one by one all the girls in his class come in. But they all walk past him and in the end he is surrounded by dancing couples and mocking laughing faces circle him.
The next morning, Nathan set off for school particularly early because he really wanted to talk to Robert before the first lesson.
Robert was already there when Nathan came into class.
‘Hey, did you sleep well?’ Nathan greeted him.
‘Oh, so-so,’ Robert grumbled back.
‘What's the matter? Were you thinking about her all night?’
"I don't know. In any case, I slept really badly. I don't know what's been going on with me lately.’
‘Maybe you just long for a girl to share your life with?’ “I guess so.”
*** It's always cute when 16-year-old boys play Dr. Sommer. But let's see, maybe Nathan even hit the nail on the head. ***
‘And in the next lesson we're going to start with the next topic. Please read page 37 in your textbook until then.‘
’Ms Stangler?‘
’Yes, Nathan?‘
’What film are we going to see at the cinema on Thursday?‘
’I'm not going to tell you that yet."
Nathan went back to his desk feeling disappointed, where Robert was waiting for him, grinning.
‘Well, you nosey parker. Any luck?‘
’No, you heard him.‘
That afternoon, Robert called Nathan.
’Ziegler?‘
’Hello Mrs Ziegler, this is Robert Falkner. Can I speak to Nathan?‘
’Yes, just a moment, I'll get him. – Nathan, telephone!"
A little later, Nathan was downstairs.
‘Who is it?‘
’Robert.‘
’Hello Robert, what's up?‘
’Steffi wrote to me!‘
’Who?‘
’Steffi. You know, the girl from the skiing holiday.‘
’And?’
‘She writes that she thought I was really nice and that she's sorry we didn't meet earlier. – Hello, are you still there?‘
’Yeah, yeah. I'm really happy for you. Are you going to see each other again?‘
’She writes that she might come to visit during the semester break.‘
’Hey, so? Are you inviting her?’
‘I don't know yet. I have to ask my parents first. So I'll see you tomorrow?‘
’Sure, it's school anyway. See you then.‘
’See you.’
Nathan slowly replaced the receiver and went back to his room. Suddenly he felt empty inside. Somehow he wholeheartedly wished Robert luck, but he was also afraid. Afraid of losing his only friend.
When Robert was feeling sad, he was there for him, but if he entered into a relationship now, he would just be a third wheel. The longer he thought about it, the more terrible he imagined the future to be, until finally he cried himself to sleep.
Well, sweetheart, I'd say it's a clear case based on the symptoms. The stuff that love, intrigue, jealousy and most daily soaps are made of. It just remains to be seen whether friendship is stronger.
When the alarm clock woke Nathan in the morning, he was bathed in sweat and his bed looked like a bomb site. He hadn't slept very well all night and had been haunted by monsters.
Nathan made his way to the bathroom, washed his face with cold water and finally realised that all his efforts to make the dark circles under his eyes disappear were in vain.
*** Yeah, who doesn't know the problem. Apparently, no make-up has yet been invented that reliably covers dark circles. Welcome to real life, kid. ***
‘Don't dawdle, you'll be late for school,‘ his mother called up from downstairs.
’I'm coming.‘
’Well, I think that's a rumour."
Nathan hurried to finish his coffee and get out of the house. His mother was once again in an unbearably good mood, and although he wasn't usually grumpy in the morning, after that night he wanted to save himself the trouble.
He had barely arrived at school when Robert greeted him.
‘Hey, I thought you weren't coming today.’
‘I didn't sleep well. What's going on?’
‘Here, this is it.’
Robert waved a piece of paper in front of Nathan's nose.
‘That's who?’
"Well, the letter. You're a little slow on the uptake today.’
‘Oh, from your holiday acquaintance.‘
’Yes, exactly. Just look at this writing. So beautifully even and curved."
The sheet was indeed covered with perfectly straight lines in beautifully engraved script.
‘And the paper is even perfumed,’ Robert continued to enthuse. He was obviously floating in seventh heaven.
Nathan no longer heard exactly what Robert was saying. He just felt a lump forming in his throat that threatened to cut off his air. He felt as if he would have to gag on his coffee at any moment. What was the matter with him? He should be truly happy for his friend, that he was so in love. Was this jealousy of his happiness? Or just fear of being alone?
The bell for the first hour interrupted Robert's ramblings and brought both of them back down to earth.
Nathan and Robert had gymnastics for the last two hours. Actually, Nathan really hated gymnastics because he was neither sporty nor a sports enthusiast. He was lucky that this did not have a negative effect on his figure, but he could have done very well without it.
The first lesson was musical gymnastics to tapes that had been out since the professor was young, and then there was a floor exercise test.
Nathan could still manage the various types of rolls, but when it came to cartwheels and handstands, he more or less failed.
*** Yes, yes, we don't learn for school but for life. And if a pack of enemy agents should ever chase us, we can impress them with a handstand or a headstand, and then flee by doing a flying roll or cartwheel. ***
In the second lesson, the professor allowed himself to be persuaded to form three teams and play football. Although Nathan usually hated this form of sport too, today it didn't seem so inconvenient to him.
Somehow today he felt the need to kick the ball uncontrollably. In the first game, Nathan and Robert met as opponents.
Kick-off.
A player from the opposing team approached Nathan, who had been assigned to defence. It was Alexander. Nathan didn't like him because in his eyes he was a disgusting show-off who also had nothing on his mind. But in sports he was an ace and the girls were at his feet because of that and also because of his well-toned body. In no time Alexander had tricked Nathan and placed the ball in the goal.
‘Try a little effort next time,‘ Stefan Nathan grumbled.
’Very funny. You go yourself.‘
After ten minutes, Nathan's team had lost by a landslide and the third team was able to fight against Alex and Co. After another ten minutes, the same emerged victorious from the battle.
’This time I'll be a defender and you go to midfield,’ Stefan said to Nathan.
‘If you think so.‘
’Maybe you'll score more in midfield,‘ Stefan said with a mocking grin.
’Very funny.‘
During the game, Nathan's team held out bravely and was even only one goal behind shortly before the end of the game.
’We'll get there too.‘
’Of course we will.’
‘Let's go!"
Nathan received the ball shortly after the kick-off. All the others were covered by opposing players, so he set off alone towards the goal.
‘Don't mess this up,’ flashed through his mind. But Robert had already noticed that Nathan was trying to go it alone and ran towards him. Nathan was only a few metres from the goal, he took a shot, but just as he pulled the trigger, Robert snatched the ball away from him.
But he hadn't reckoned with the fact that Nathan had already taken a shot and now hit him with full force on the lower leg. The subsequent flight was followed by a hard landing.
The professor whistled a foul and rushed to Robert, who lay groaning on the ground, holding his foot. Nathan stood next to him, thunderstruck, not knowing what to say or do.
‘Let me feel, is anything broken?‘ the professor asked.
’No, I don't think so, but it hurts like hell.‘
’Nathan, go outside with him and put cool compresses on the leg. By the way, you have the red card.’
‘After class, I'll go to the hospital with you so that a doctor can take a look at your foot,‘ he said to Robert before he limped to the locker room with Nathan's help.
’Hey, I'm really sorry,’ Nathan said, ’but I didn't want to mess it up at all and I just couldn't stop.’
‘It's okay. Next time I'll give you a wide berth when you're running with the ball.‘
’I hope it's nothing serious.‘
’It's not too bad. It'll be fine in a few days. It'll be a nice bump.‘
’What bump?’
‘Well, because I hit the ground pretty hard when I landed.‘
’Wait, I'll put a cold cloth on it too.‘
’Don't bother. I'm not a washerwoman. This will do. It's not that bad.’ Hey, don't look so worried. You'd think you'd killed someone.’
Before they could talk any further, the mob came storming out of the gym. Robert and Nathan also started to change and a little later the professor arrived.
‘Ready to go, Robert?’
‘Yes, in a moment.’
‘Can I come with you too? After all, it's my fault we're in this mess.’
"All right.’
When they arrived at the hospital, they realised that today had obviously been a popular day for accidents. Almost all the seats in the waiting room were taken and the nurse at the front desk said that it would probably take a while.
After he had completed the formalities, the professor said to the two of them: ‘Unfortunately, I can't stay with you because I still have a dentist appointment myself, but I hope I can count on you not to do anything stupid.’
"All right. I can't do much jumping anyway.’
After the professor had left and some time had passed, Nathan said, ‘What do you think about me sitting down and you on my lap? My feet are about to fall off.’
‘Are you crazy, I'm not gay!’
‘What does that have to do with it?’
‘Only girls do that!’
After what felt like two hours, it was finally Robert's turn.
The doctor said that it was fortunately only a slight bruise and that the bone was not injured. ‘No sports for the next few weeks and rest in general. Also, apply this ointment twice a day and bandage it with a fasche* during the day.’ (* Austrian: Fasche - German: elastic bandage)
Robert called his parents from the hospital and his father came to get the two boys.
‘Your mother was very upset when she heard that you were calling from the hospital. But I calmed her down right away and told her that it wasn't that bad.‘
’Thanks, Dad.‘
’But next time you'd better pay more attention when you're fending,’ Mr Falkner said with a wink.
Nathan sat silently in the car the whole way and watched the streets go by.
‘Are you asleep? We're here.’
‘Oh. I was just lost in thought. Thanks for the ride home, Mr Falkner. And sorry again about your bruised foot.’
‘It's not that bad. I'll see you tomorrow.’
"Ok. See you then. Bye.’
That evening, too, Nathan lay awake for a long time, brooding. Why did everything have to be so complicated? He used to sit on Robert's lap and no one cared. And now it's suddenly gay?
‘Do you become gay if you sit on a man's lap? What is gay like anyway? Isn't it weird when you kiss a man?’ Finally, Nathan fell asleep and dreamt of fairies, elves and better days.
The next morning, Nathan was especially keen to get to school, because he didn't want to miss the trip to the cinema.
Cinema is only on the programme from the fourth lesson, but that's just how young people are. Impetuous and enthusiastic. That's nice.
The others in Nathan's class were just as curious, so it was one of those rare days when everyone was at school well before the first lesson. And of course there was a lot of speculation about which film would be shown. In the wildest speculations, films were suggested, but the needle of probability burst many a bubble.
After what felt like two and a half hours, Ms Stangler finally came in to collect the class. Mr Kettenbauer, the class maths teacher, was actually quite happy to get rid of the class early, as the level of attention had already approached zero.
Five minutes later, the whole class was standing in front of the school gate, ready to leave. ‘We're going to the Filmpalast now. The cinema's owner has agreed to put on an extra show for us this morning. Let's go.’
*** A brief explanation: the Filmpalast is a small cinema that shows not only the usual Hollywood fare but also more sophisticated films and original versions. ***
Once we arrived at the cinema, Ms Stangler paid for the class and agreed with the owner that she needed a few minutes with the class before the film started.
‘Sit down and shut up please. Today we're going to see a film about two boys discovering their identity and feelings. The film will be in English, but there are German subtitles. I would ask you to try to follow the film without reading them. Homework until Saturday is to write down the plot of the film. Ok. Let's go now. Roll the film please.’
After it had been established that the film was called ‘Beautiful Thing’, Nathan started thinking again – as far as this was possible on the side. He had heard the title somewhere before. Or was it just his imagination?
Jamie wants to rub Ste's back and lets him smell a bottle of foot balm with peppermint.
Jamie: ‘Like it and I'll rub it into your back... If you want.’
Jamie: ‘Cold, isn't it?’
Ste: ‘Yeah.’
Jamie tenderly rubs Ste's back, taking care not to touch the wounds.
Nathan watched it with incredulous amazement and at the same time became more and more confused. Why didn't he find it repulsive? What was this strange tingling sensation that drove him crazy? And why did something start to stir in his pants when one boy rubbed the other's back?
Jamie: ‘Have you ever kissed anyone and stuck your tongue in?’
Ste: ‘How can I do this?’
Jamie: ‘It ain't ugly.’
Ste: ‘With me it'd be ugly.’
Jamie: ‘I don't think you're ugly.’
Jamie: ‘Turn over, I'll do your front.’
Ste: ‘I can't... I'm too sore.’
"Shh! Robert. Why isn't he turning over?’
‘How should I know. Maybe he's got a hard-on.‘
’Why?‘
’I don't know. Don't be so stupid."
Ste: “Turn off the light... Please.”
Jamie: “I don't wanna.”
Ste quickly dives under the covers and the two lie head to foot.
Jamie: “Can I come up there?”
Ste: ’No.’
Jamie: ‘Please.’
Ste: ‘Stay where you are!’
Ste watches Jamie anxiously and struggles with himself. Finally he turns and lies head to head with Jamie.
Ste: ‘Satisfied?’
Jamie: ‘Mhm... Night.’
Jamie kisses Ste on the lips. Fearful looks follow, but then change into tender ones.
Ste: ‘Do you think I'm queer?’
Jamie: ‘I don't know what I think.’
Jamie turns off the light.
Jamie: ‘Can I touch you?’
Ste: ‘I'm a bit sore.’
Jamie: ‘Yeah.’
Jamie touches Ste tenderly...
1996 Channel Four Corporation)
Nathan hardly noticed the rest of the film, the feelings that arose took up all his attention. It became increasingly clear to him that he, Nathan Ziegler, was gay.
And he envied Ste and Jamie. He wanted to have a boyfriend too, to be held, caressed, kissed.
*** Nathan is so wrapped up in his own thoughts that he doesn't even notice that Robert has been leaning against his leg the whole time and briefly touches Nathan's knee during a kissing scene. Was that a coincidence? We'll see. ***
When the film was over and the others had already got up to gather in the anteroom, Nathan was still sitting in his chair, staring spellbound at the screen.
‘Hey, wake up! We're leaving,’ said Robert. ‘What's the matter, did you see a ghost or do you have a crush?’
After these words, Nathan jumped up and stormed past Frau Stangler and the others out of the cinema.
‘Nathan! Stop! You can't just run away like that. You stay here.’
But when Frau Stangler came out of the cinema and looked around, Nathan was already gone.
Part
2
–
Coming
Out
Nathan ran three blocks before he ran out of breath. Breathlessly, he leaned against a wall. In his mind's eye, a wave of problems piled up, ready to engulf him at any moment.
‘Gays kidnap children.’
‘Gays are obsessed with youth.’
‘Gays die lonely deaths.’
"Gays have AIDS.’
‘Gays are perverse.‘
’Gays live against nature.‘
’Gays..."
The sentences raced faster and faster through Nathan's head, going round in circles – faster! Faster! Faster!
Nathan didn't even notice how his knees went weak and the ground seemed to give way under his feet. A brief dizziness and blackness covered his face like a cloth before he fainted.
*** It's really irresponsible to stuff young people (and everyone else, for that matter) full of such stupid prejudices. And when they're affected themselves, something like this happens and everyone is surprised. Hopefully this will turn out well for Nathan. ***
‘Hey, wake up,’ was the first thing Nathan heard.
He slowly opened his eyes and tried to sit up, but was gently stopped by a hand. As the fog lifted, he looked into two bright blue eyes.
The owner of these two eyes might have just turned 18.
‘What, what happened?’ Nathan asked.
The boy replied, ‘I just came from the drugstore over there and saw you over here, collapsed like a piece of wood. I couldn't just stand by and watch.’
Only now did Nathan notice that the stranger was kneeling next to him without his jacket, and that the jacket was lying under his head. The pleasant scent rose to his nose.
"What's your name, anyway?’
‘Nathan. And you?‘
’Manuel. Come on, I'll help you up, otherwise you'll catch cold lying here on the floor."
Before Nathan could protest, Manuel had taken him under the shoulders as if he had to carry an unconscious man.
Was it his imagination, or did Manuel hold him a moment longer than necessary?
‘You know what, we'll go to the café over there and you'll have a hot tea to get your circulation going again.‘
Nathan wanted to say something, but Manuel's determination brooked no contradiction.
A short time later, they were sitting across from each other with a cup of hot fruit tea.
’Has something like this happened to you before?’ Manuel asked.
‘Er. What?’ Nathan's mind had been somewhere else again.
*** Well, not that far away. For one thing, he had been lost in Manuel's eyes and, for another, he wondered if he really was gay. Let's see how this goes on. It's really sizzling and tingling. ***
‘I meant whether you've passed out before.‘
’Not really.‘
After a short pause, Nathan asked, “Do you still go to school?”
’Yes. But not here. I'm only going to start at the local high school in the next semester. We just moved here recently, so I'm finishing the semester at my old school.’
‘Hey, then we'll probably see each other more often. I also go to the gym here. And what class are you in?‘
’7th. And you?‘
’I'm only in 6th. I would have thought you were older.’
‘That's probably because, at 189 cm, I'm not exactly average height for my age. Hm. I have to go now, otherwise my mother will start to worry. You know how it is. But if you like, you can come with me. I'm sure my parents won't mind.‘
’Hm. Yes, I'd like that.’
After they had paid, they set off. Manuel's house was in a residential area on the outskirts of the city, so they took the bus a few stops. After walking a few more blocks, they stood in front of a neat detached house.
‘This is it. Do you like it?’
"Yes, it's quite nice. Let's go inside, it's starting to snow.’
‘Hello, is anybody home?‘
’Hello Manuel, I'm here in the kitchen.‘
A pleasantly soft female voice came from the kitchen.
’I have a visitor with me,‘ Manuel said and went with Nathan into the kitchen.
’This is Nathan. And this is my mother.‘
’Hello Mrs. um...’ Nathan felt his face redden.
‘Wallner,‘ Manuel's mother added, “but that doesn't matter. Just make yourself at home here – as much as that's possible. You see, we haven't finished unpacking everything yet. Manuel has probably already told you that we only just moved here.”
’Yes, he has. We'll go over to my room then.‘
’Okay.’
‘Don't be shocked when you go in, it still looks a bit like a mess,’ Manuel said.
*** Always these understatements. The room was just furnished with furniture – a wide bed, by the way – and lots of larger and smaller moving boxes. In between, there was also a lot of unpacked stuff waiting to be stored. ***
‘I can't disagree with you,‘ Nathan said with a cheeky grin.
’Let's just sit on the bed, the armchair is full,‘ Manuel suggested. “Well, so this is my future realm.”
’What's that?’ Nathan asked, pointing to a colourful piece of cloth hanging out of one of the boxes.
Manuel blushed a little and looked embarrassed: ‘Oh, it's just a flag, nothing more.’ He tried to quickly stuff the piece of cloth back into the box.
"Can I see it? What do you need it for?’
*** 100 points for you, sweetheart! Have you ever heard of sensitivity, tact or a sure instinct? The guy turns red and tries to quickly hide the thing, and you keep digging without hesitation or mercy...
Hesitantly, Manuel pulled a rainbow flag out of the box. Somehow, the flag looked familiar to Nathan, but he couldn't quite place where. After Nathan had looked at the flag, Manuel carefully folded it again and put it back in the box.
‘Where did you get it?’ Nathan asked.
"My mother gave it to me.’
In the meantime, Manuel had sat down on the bed with Nathan again, and now they were only a thigh's width apart. Manuel's closeness confused Nathan just as much as the strange tingling sensation that had been running through him the whole time.
The conversation had come to a standstill anyway and they just looked deep into each other's eyes. Nathan lost himself in those radiant eyes, immersed himself in them and took off. He wanted to touch Manuel, hold him, just feel his warmth.
But at that moment, Manuel jumped up and looked at Nathan with fear-filled eyes. ‘Do you hate me now?’ ‘I think it's better if you leave now.’
Nathan had no idea what was going on and didn't react to Manuel's request.
‘Please go. Go!’
‘What's the matter, why should I hate you?’
‘Well, because of that thing.’
"What thing?’
*** Sweetheart, you really are more naive than the police allow. The guy picks you up off the street, takes you for tea, takes you home, has a rainbow flag, looks deep into your eyes and is close enough to touch. What more do you need to realise what's going on? A billboard on the main street? Radio announcements? Well. Let's get back to the action. ***
During the conversation, they had moved to Manuel's room door. ‘That I'm gay. I like guys.’
*** It's a shame you can't see the look on Nathan's face. Rarely seen a stupider guy. ***
Nathan's confusion increased immeasurably. Was that something bad? With wet eyes Manuel showed him to the door and raised his hand briefly in farewell before he closed the door behind Nathan.
Now Nathan was standing in the middle of dancing snowflakes and didn't know what was happening to him. Somehow he felt like crying. Slowly he made his way towards the city centre.
But at the first crossroads, he changed his plan and walked aimlessly through the neighbourhood. The longer he walked, the clearer his thoughts became, and the more he became determined. He had to go to Manuel again and tell him that he didn't hate him, that he felt the same way.
After two circuits around the block, he had mustered up the courage to ring the doorbell. Mrs Wallner opened it. For a moment, her face seemed to express something like relief, or was it just his imagination?
"I'm sorry to bother you again, but I think I left my fountain pen at Manuel's.’
Boy, oh boy, I've heard a lot of bad excuses, but this one takes the cake.
‘Go on in, he's in his room.’
Nathan wondered if Ms Wallner had really not heard about the fight, or if she was just a good actress.
He knocked tentatively on the door to Manuel's room. A hesitant ‘Come in’ followed and Nathan entered. Manuel was obviously surprised that it was Nathan and tried to look friendly, but Nathan noticed that he had apparently been crying shortly before.
He quickly closed the door.
"I've been thinking about what you said before.’
‘And?‘ Manuel replied anxiously.
’I've realised a few things,’ Nathan said, taking a step closer to Manuel. When Nathan was standing right in front of him, Manuel lowered his head. Nathan gently lifted his chin, looked briefly into the blue eyes that looked at him fearfully, and gave him a gentle kiss on the mouth.
‘You too?’ Manuel stammered, but Nathan just quietly gestured to him not to destroy the moment with words and hugged him. It seemed like an eternity in seventh heaven as they stood there, hugging each other. He felt Manuel's hand resting in his hair, he felt his closeness, his warmth, the wonderful scent.
After a seemingly endless embrace, they broke away from each other.
‘How long have you known?’ Nathan asked.
"Good question. I've only really been aware of it since I turned 16. I've fallen for boys before, but I just couldn't put it into words. And you?’
‘This morning. We went to see ‘Beautiful Thing’ at the cinema and it suddenly hit me.‘
’And then it all became a bit much for you.‘
’Exactly. Does anyone know about you?‘
’Well, my best friends know and my parents and of course the guys from the group.‘
’What group?’
‘I meet with other gay guys around my age twice a month. It's a bit of a drive, but it's worth it. Do you want to come with me next time?‘
’Well, I don't know.‘
’Don't panic, nobody's going to bite you. They've all been through the same thing you have.’
‘I'll think about it. I think I have to go now, otherwise my mother will report me missing. You know how mothers are.‘
’Will I see you tomorrow?‘
’We'll see if the teachers are feeling generous tomorrow.‘
’I'll write down my phone number in any case. Will you give me yours too?’
‘Yes, sure.‘ After the successful exchange of numbers, Manuel accompanied Nathan to the front door and gave him a hug goodbye.
’Well then, take care and see you soon.‘
’Yeah, you too,’ Nathan said goodbye.
*** Well, kiss him already! Everyone in the building already knows that you two are head over heels in love and no one is looking anyway. ***
Despite saying goodbye, they were still standing in front of the locked front door, holding hands. Manuel looked deep into Nathan's eyes and Nathan was lost in thought too. Manuel gently pulled him closer and breathed a questioning ‘May I?’
‘What?’
*** Boy, oh boy. What do you think? Crochet you a potholder? ***
"Kiss you.’
Instead of an answer, Nathan pulled Manuel even closer and shortly after, their tongues were already dancing the lovers' round dance.
Full of pleasure and affection, they explored each other, Nathan's hand slid under Manuel's shirt and Manuel also went on a journey of exploration. A little later, with Nathan's jacket already on the floor, the two were interrupted by a throat clearing.
‘I don't want to disturb you two, but don't you want to continue in your room?‘ Mrs Wallner suggested.
Nathan blushed immediately. “We, I mean, I mean we...”
’It's okay. I know what's going on and I don't have a problem with it. To be honest, I was even hoping that you would come back. But now don't let me disturb you any further.’
‘I really have to go now. I'll see you tomorrow. I promise.‘
’Okay, see you then.’ One last kiss was exchanged and then it was really time to go out into the cold reality.
*** He can consider himself really lucky with this mother-in-law. Another woman would have probably chased him out of the house as soon as she came round. ***
Part
3
–
Almost
Unreal
Out in the clear winter air, it became more and more clear to Nathan that he was head over heels in love with the boy he had just kissed so fiercely. And what had seemed like the end of the world just a few hours ago took on a completely different colouring. Nathan set off home elated.
At home, he was immediately met by his mother.
‘Tell me, do you know what time it is? You could have at least called.‘
Only now did Nathan realise that he should have been home a few hours ago.
’I'm sorry, I totally lost track of time."
And before his mother could ask any more, Nathan disappeared into his room.
The next morning, Nathan was met at school by Robert.
‘Tell me, what happened yesterday? You were running as if something were after you.’
Nathan realised that he was blushing. What should he do? He didn't want to lie to his best friend, but he couldn't tell him the truth.
He wasn't even sure himself whether he had dreamt the whole thing. But Manuel's kisses had tasted too real for that.
‘You're impossible to get anything out of,’ said Robert. ‘Then let's go downstairs, we've got gym class again today.’
"Do you think Frau Stangler will say something to my parents?’
‘I don't know. In any case, she said that you should report to her today."
On the way to the gym, Nathan wondered what Frau Stangler wanted from him. Did she already know everything and just wanted him to deliver his death sentence? Did she want to know from him what was going on?
When they entered the changing room, he was distracted from his thoughts. Somehow, something was different today. He hurried to put on his gym clothes and tried not to look at anyone.
But what was different?
Hadn't he always been gay?
Was he afraid of getting a hard-on in front of everyone?
*** Oh, he's really not making it easy for himself. Nothing happened the many times before, did it? ***
After what felt like three hours, Nathan went to the conference room during the big break to report to Ms Stangler. After she arrived, she told Nathan that they had something to discuss. They went into a small meeting room and Ms Stangler gestured for Nathan to sit down.
‘I assume that you had a good reason to run away yesterday,‘ she said in a calm tone.
Nathan felt red in the face once again.
’I, um, I, well...’
‘I haven't told anyone about this yet because I think we can sort it out ourselves. But you have to realise that you could have got me into a lot of trouble. If something had happened to you, I would have been fully responsible.‘
’I'm sorry.’
‘Then we'll consider the matter closed. Now, I have to get my things for my next lesson. Stay here for a moment and think about everything again.’
When she picked up her bag, a small notebook fell out.
‘You've lost something.’
‘Oh, it's all right, it can stay there. I don't need it anymore. Well, I really have to go now.’
In the doorway, she turned around again: ‘Oh yes.’
Nathan looked up questioningly.
"Go your way and be happy.’
With these words she closed the door behind her. Nathan stood up and went to the notebook lying on the floor next to the sofa where Frau Stangler had just been sitting. It was a magazine from a gay group. Somehow it dawned on him that Frau Stangler knew more than he had thought.
*** Of course, sweetheart, the woman didn't become a teacher for nothing. She can put herself in the shoes of her students. And when someone sits on ‘Beautiful Thing’ at first as if they'd been struck by lightning and then runs away, it's like half a coming out. ***
‘And?’ Robert wanted to know how the conversation with Ms Stangler went.
‘All ok. The case is closed.‘
’How did you manage that?‘
’I'm not telling.‘
’And what's that thing you've got there?‘ asked Robert, pointing to the booklet that Nathan had put in a plastic bag.
And once again, Nathan felt the blush rising as he searched for a plausible answer.
’This?’
‘Yes, exactly that!‘
’Well, it's just a thing, a, a, a cinema programme.‘
*** Yeah, yeah. Look, there's a pink dinosaur flying. ***
’Can I see it?‘
’Um, well, actually...’
‘Then don't. We'll go into town this afternoon.‘
’Er, I'm sorry, but I still have to study history.‘
’But he's not checking tomorrow.‘
’Well, I thought... you know, just learn something.‘
’Well, don't then,’ said Robert, walking to his seat.
For the rest of the morning, Nathan just waited for the school day to end so that he could hurry home and get on to Manuel as soon as he'd finished the most necessary tasks.
After three more lessons, Nathan hurried home, but Robert wanted an explanation for the excuse about learning history.
"Say, what's up with you?’
‘Nothing, what should be?‘ Nathan felt his nervousness begin to increase immeasurably.
’So that nothing is, you can tell someone else, you're acting too differently than usual.‘
’Oh my God, so it's already showing on my face,' Nathan thought.
‘I'm sorry, but I really have to go now, my mother is probably already waiting with dinner. See you tomorrow.‘
’Okay, see you tomorrow."
On his way home, Nathan started brooding again. He had to tell Robert in any case, otherwise their friendship would be at stake. After all, he couldn't lie forever. On the other hand, he was afraid that Robert would turn away.
After he had finished lunch and the most important tasks, he called Manuel immediately.
‘Wallner,’ a woman's voice answered.
‘Hello Mrs Wallner, this is Nathan. I wanted to ask if Manuel is available.’
‘Yes, just a moment, I'll get him.’
Nathan heard the receiver being put down next to the phone.
‘What if he can't or doesn't want to remember me at all?’ it crossed his mind, ‘or what if he just wants to use me?’
*** Now just stop it! First of all, you can still ask yourself that when the time comes. And secondly, you weren't exactly shy and reserved yesterday either. ***
‘Hello Nathan, I thought you weren't going to call anymore.’
‘Sorry, I still had homework to do.’
"Do you want to come over?’
‘Sure, I'll be right over.‘
’You better put on shoes,‘ Manuel joked.
’See you then.‘
’Yeah, see you then.‘
He quickly changed and was on his way to Manuel's house. The closer he got, the lighter his heart felt. When he finally rang the doorbell at the Wallners’, Manuel opened the door at the same moment.
‘Hey, were you standing behind the door?‘
’Not exactly. I'm glad you're here.‘
With that, he pulled Nathan in and slammed the door shut. The next moment, they were hugging and kissing each other passionately.
’Well, if it isn't Nathan,‘ a voice called from the background.
The two of them parted.
’Hello, Mrs Wallner.’
‘Hello Nathan. I didn't want to disturb you either. I just have to go out for a moment, but I guess you can manage without me.‘
’I'll take care of Nathan,’ Manuel replied.
After a brief farewell, the two went to Manuel's room, which, to Nathan's amazement, looked much tidier than the day before.
‘Wow, what happened here?‘
’I thought you might like things a bit tidier than a mess.‘
’Well, it's not that great in my place either."
In fact, some boxes had already disappeared and in return some shelves had been partially put away. Nathan was particularly taken with the large stereo system.
‘So, what's it like? I've been thinking about getting a decent stereo system myself, but I don't know which one yet.‘
’Yeah, it's pretty good. Hang on, I'll put something on.‘
’Do you like Eurythmics too?’ Nathan asked as the first bars of “Sweet Dreams” began to play.
No, I can't stand the song, but thanks to my gift of sight I knew that you liked it and therefore put it on. Silly question.
‘Yes, I've always loved how Annie slips into the most diverse roles.’ They sat down on the bed and let the music wash over them.
As is often the case with those newly in love, they didn't sit next to each other for long before they were kissing each other passionately again. Soon they were lying closely entwined on the bed, caressing each other.
*** And as it so often happens, the superfluous layers of clothing fell away over time and so we soon find the two of them in their underwear – cute little things, by the way. ***
Manuel gently stroked the bulge between Nathan's legs, which was getting bigger and bigger. Nathan got goosebumps and started to tremble.
‘Hey, what's the matter?’
‘I'm just not sure if I'm ready for this. It's all going so fast.’
Manuel gently stroked Nathan's back.
‘Yesterday I still didn't know what was wrong with me and now I'm lying here next to you. On the one hand I'd like to do it, but on the other hand I'm afraid of it.’
‘I know the feeling. But I think I know what to do. Just relax and enjoy it."
*** Well, Nathan has more luck than sense again. Many others would have just carried on or maybe pulled the old “if you love me, you'll sleep with me” trick. Well, let's see what good things he's come up with. ***
Manuel made Nathan lie down on his stomach, stretched out. Then he began gently caressing and caressing every inch of the body that was presented to him. He started by caressing and massaging Nathan's feet, stroking and kissing his thighs, lingering at the back of his knees, continuing on and finally kneading the firm buttocks that were presented to him.
Then he kissed and caressed his way up Nathan's spine, massaging his shoulders and neck, stroking his hair tenderly, nibbling on his earlobes and finally running his tongue along Nathan's spine again before turning him onto his back.
Nathan wanted to sit up a little and kiss Manuel, but he gently pushed him back onto the mattress and slid down. Again, he caressed his feet, stroked and kissed his thighs up until he reached the loins.
He gently stroked to the left and right of the bulge, almost driving Nathan crazy. Then he slid up a little higher and began to play with Nathan's navel with his tongue, travelling higher, nibbling and sucking tenderly on the nipples, which were hard and large.
And further on, his path led to Nathan's ear lobes, which he nibbled on while running his fingers through his hair. Finally, he kissed him on the tip of his nose, ran his fingertip over the shiny, moist lips, and then ended it all with a never-ending kiss.
*** Honey, switch off the telly and come over, I need, erm, need you really urgently. ***
Nathan pulled Manuel very close to him.
‘Let's do it. I'll lose my mind here otherwise,’ he whispered in Manuel's ear.
‘Ok.’
While Nathan tried to get rid of his last shred of clothing, Manuel fished two condoms out of the drawer of the bedside table.
‘So we don't have any children,’ he said with a grin, while he also peeled Nathan out of his trousers.
The condom was quickly in place and a little later Nathan felt considerably relieved.
‘Oh, banana,‘ he realised as he went on the counterattack.
Finally, they lay in bed, cuddled up close.
’I didn't think sex could be so good,‘ said Nathan, “you almost drove me crazy.”
’But you seemed to like it quite a bit,’ Manuel grinned.
Instead of answering, Nathan kissed him again and let his hand slide lower.
‘Not that I have anything against it, but I estimate that my mother will be here any moment. And as quiet as you were earlier...’
Nathan blushed a little.
"It's not a problem. There was no one there to listen.’
*** By the way, I'm back now, too. I'm sorry I left you alone for a moment, but it was necessary. ***
Sure enough, Manuel's mother came home a little later.
‘I'm sorry, but it took a little longer. I hope you managed without me.’
"Yes, thank you. Manuel took really good care of me.’
‘I can imagine that,’ Frau Wallner smiled, which once again brought a blush to Nathan's face. “Would you please help her carry the shopping in?”
As it turned out, the “short trip” had turned into a full week's shopping, so there was quite a bit to carry in.
‘How about you join us for dinner tonight?‘ Mrs Wallner suggested.
’I'd love to, I just have to let my parents know first. Can I use your phone?‘
A little time and some persuasion later, that was sorted too, and so Nathan went back into the room with Manuel.
’Well, I'm kind of a little nervous.’
‘Why?‘
’Well, my first family dinner as a son-in-law,‘ Nathan smiled.
’Oh, you don't need to see it that dramatically, my parents have known for a while and are therefore fine with it. As long as you don't act like an animal, there's no problem.’
‘Then I'm reasonably reassured. And what do we do until dinner?‘
’What do you think of listening to some music and cuddling?‘
’Hmm,’ Nathan asked himself broodingly, before pulling Manuel into his room after a seemingly indifferent “If you think so” and kissing him passionately just behind the door.
*** So, let's turn the wheel of time a few hours and many kisses further. ***
Finally, Ms Wallner called the two of them to the table and, having become hungry from all the kissing, they quickly followed her call. There were grilled chops with fried potatoes and letcho.
Nathan looked at Mr Wallner, who had just come in through the door, with interest but wariness.
‘You must be Nathan,’ he said, shaking his hand.
After everyone had filled their plates and sat down at the table, Mr Wallner raised his glass.
"Let's drink to you both. We're happy that you've found each other and wish you all the best.’
Then the likeable fifty-two-year-old with the silver-coloured curl turned to Nathan.
‘Since you're now part of the family, so to speak, we'd be happy if you called us Franziska and Wolfgang.’
The rest of the dinner was quite casual and cheerful, and Nathan also began to thaw out a bit after a while.
Finally, it was time to say goodbye again, and with a last, heartfelt kiss, Nathan set off for home.

Nervously, Lauri glanced from his vocabulary notebook to his notes for Raimund and back to his muesli, trying to reconcile studying at the last minute with eating. His sister Karen sat across from him, amused. Unlike her, who could leisurely raise a teacup to her mouth, read a book and even chat with their housekeeper Maya, he was making a terrible mess of it. At least she had once again suspiciously provided him with cocoa that morning.
Karen suddenly giggled and put the book down. ‘Don't even try, little brother. You're just a man and multitasking isn't functionally intended.’
Lauri looked around for a moment, then gave her the finger, because Maya was just about to open the fridge. Before he got even more flabby, he preferred to get up, down his cocoa and stuff the vocabulary booklet into his backpack.
Karen rose as well and straightened her cute black cardigan. ‘It's raining,’ she stated a little disgustedly. ‘Do you want me to drive you, Lauri? I have a class in a few minutes, too.’ Not only had she gotten her driver's license a while ago, but of course she had gotten the car to go with it. Her studies in dentistry often required her to make the early trip into the city to the university.
There was something about riding with her, especially in rainy weather. She and Lauri had the same taste in music and got along great. When his girlfriend Elisa caught them together on the golf course, she would talk ecstatically about clothes with Karen for an hour. And his mate Tim was crazy about Karen and always blushed endlessly when she dropped her brother off at school. But Lauri had other plans. ‘No. I'm going with Raimund. I still have to do that to him anyway...’
‘Please! Please don't tell me that you've done the homework again for that crazy...’ she looked around at the housekeeper, who had just left the room. “...ass!” She pushed a cute black glittering hair clip at her temple into her light blonde hair.
Lauri blinked. ‘I never have,’ he lied, unmoved. ‘No. I still have to give him his MP3 player back.’ Actually, it had been Lauri's player. He had given it to Raimund as a present not too long ago. Unlike Lauri and Karen, whose parents, thanks to their practices as a dentist and orthodontist, had more money than Scrooge McDuck, she should be overcome by desire, Raimund was poor.
Raimund's mother had separated from her husband after a rather unpleasant, very short marriage. The guy had then first sunk into unemployment and then completely disappeared. He was probably violent, at least not the type of man a woman wanted to raise her child with. Raimund's maternal grandmother had already thrown her daughter out of the house during her apprenticeship because of disputes; the two no longer spoke to each other. The paternal grandparents were more like their son.
Thus, Raimund's mother Judith was a completely abandoned, single and completely chaotic mother. She had come to the village while fleeing from her ex-husband when Raimund was about four years old. Her decrepit car was crammed full of her belongings and some animals that Judith also fed. With this chaos, they moved into the small gatekeeper's cottage on the old tracks, thanks to some connections, and began to live there more than they resided.
Unfortunately, Judith was the perfect miscast as a mother. She was soft, highly disorganised and absent-minded. About her decision to dye her hair, she could forget to pick up her son from kindergarten. She couldn't say no to anyone or anything, which led to her acquiring an unspeakable number of strange pets. At the same time, she had a tendency to get involved with men who took advantage of her, and all of this left her with very little time for her son.
Once a man had taken advantage of Judith again, she realised after very tiring conversations with Maya and others what a loser she had chosen and ended the affair. But she had never been vindictive if someone had taken advantage of her once.
Her son Raimund was less forgiving. If he found out that a guy was taking advantage of his mother, he would take revenge, and in a very creative way. He was notorious for this, and it wasn't uncommon for him to drag his friend Lauri into these harebrained plans and actions.
Raimund and Lauri had been in the same kindergarten group since he and his mother had appeared in the village. In silent agreement with her ethical ideas, the housekeeper Maya had taken over the regiment not only over Lauri and Karen, but also over the wild Raimund.
And Raimund was wild, all right. When Judith, in the sixth month of her pregnancy, had found herself not just a few kilos heavier but actually and surprisingly pregnant, she had very romantically wished for a son to be named Raimund. He should always smile angelically and be mild and well-read and just wonderful. He should have black curls like his father, whom Judith had just married, full of romance and in a hurry. Unfortunately, she had forgotten the unfortunate flirtation with the red-haired bakery truck driver a few months earlier.
She had actually had a son. A Raimund, because she had insisted on the name. But that's where the similarities between dream and reality ended. Raimund was red-haired like the unfortunate baker, from birth and it got steadily worse. This led to the scandal with her current husband, who couldn't count and therefore didn't realise that he was only with Judith after she had conceived. It earned her a black eye, a broken rib and a new life in the village. Actually a lucky break for Judith and it was the lucky break for Raimund. Unfortunately, Raimund was not only red-haired, but did not fit in with his mother's ideas in other ways either. He was never mild, rarely smiled, did not like to read and was about as wonderful as a root canal treatment. Raimund was the kind of son who would be perfect for advertising contraceptives.
Of course, this was largely due to the fact that Judith didn't educate him at all, just blinked in confusion when yet another neighbour, the farmer from across the way, the mother of a child with whom Raimund had fought, the baker, where he had stolen something, or Lauri's parents, where he had broken something, talked to her and gave her strict lectures.
There were only two people who had Raimund completely under control. One was Maya, with her energetic manner and the ability to bribe him with food or punish him by depriving him of the right to sit at the table in her kitchen. The other was Lauri. One look from Lauri's brown saucer eyes immediately made Raimund nervously ask if something was wrong. If Lauri's eyes started to well, Raimund was ready to beat the world to make everything right again.
Raimund's mother had been confused by the unwanted but sorely needed help from Maya, but she had gone to work, taken care of her animals and men, and probably gladly forgotten about her son's many worries about money and other little things. As a saleswoman in a bookshop two towns away, she was as confused as she was popular with customers. At least she had the unique gift of remembering pretty much every book that a customer had ever bought. This made her a good choice when someone in the area needed a birthday present.
So thanks to the energetic Maya, thanks to Lauri's enthusiasm for this wild friend and thanks to Lauri's relaxed, uninformed parents, it was not uncommon for Raimund to magically turn up at Lauri's dinner table after kindergarten and after elementary school to do his homework. Raimund had only managed to get into high school because Lauri did his homework, helped him with tests, constantly kicked him in the butt and generally made sure that his friend didn't lag behind.
Raimund had made sure that the somewhat chubby Lauri with the thick glasses was not teased without getting a punch in the nose, that he was not teased when he had to wear a squint eye patch, because then Raimund would also give him a punch in the nose. That he was not teased later because of the bulky braces that he had to wear thanks to his father, because otherwise Raimund would have given him a good punch on the nose, and that no one dared to tease him during physical education when he once again came in last because then he would have received a good punch on the nose.
Their childhood was thus characterised by a constant symbiosis of well-being and security. Lauri protected Raimund from the chaos at home and from being left back at school. Raimund protected Lauri's childlike emotional well-being and spoiled him almost more than his own parents and big sister did.
Raimund himself was happy to take care of his own interests, since Maya managed his physical well-being and Lauri his mental well-being. He played handball in a team twice a week. He was so aggressive that he was incredibly good at it. He played a lot on an old guitar that Judith had given him, and he worked almost every evening in a bar, where he occasionally provided live music on the guitar. Most of the money was spent by Judith on various animals, their food or veterinary bills. Raimund was very loyal to his mother and gladly gave her the necessary money. Since Judith was too confused to realise that her savings, which she kept in a preserving jar, should have been used up long ago, she didn't notice it either. He also invested his money in a scooter because, at the age of fifteen, he no longer wanted to use the school bus or a bicycle.
His wild red hair, the very picture of a mysterious father, now also shone towards Lauri because Raimund had pulled his helmet off his head. That, too, was typical of him. He threw the helmet to Lauri, who put it on, enjoying the fact that Raimund cared so much about him, even if he hid it quite well behind the excuse that he would then be the cool one who would ride without a helmet.
Raimund laughed at Lauri, who, grumpy from the Monday feeling in his bones, climbed onto the scooter after he had straightened his backpack. Raimund's bag had disappeared into the luggage box at the back, so Lauri was able to lean perfectly against him. Before Karen could step out of the house to make snide comments about her lack of motorised transport, the scooter roared into life and sped up the hill out of the village.
The school wasn't far, and it was an easy ride by bike, but Lauri would never have swapped that for the chance to snuggle up against the strong back, while Raimund already shouted the wild plans of the day over his shoulder, or asked him about missed homework.
Raimund chained his scooter in front of the school, then Lauri handed him the vocabulary list. ‘This is yesterday's list, here is last week's. I've marked the words that will statistically be on tomorrow's test with a dot. Make sure you don't have the cheat sheet in your pencil case again, Rai, because that's the first place Schulz will look today.’
Raimund grumbled a small thank you and brushed the rain out of his hair, then his latest brainwave was discussed. While they waved to their friends from the class, he announced: ‘Saturday is the Easter bonfire. We'll do it Friday night. It's supposed to rain, but it'll be fine. Judith's new boyfriend wants to go camping with her and stares at the weather report every five minutes. They're out of the way. Your millionaire parents are flying out again, aren't they?‘
’Hm, they are. Camping? Isn't it freezing?’
‘Sure, he just wants to get her out of the house and away from me anyway. She had a family crisis the other day, wanted to do something with me, I don't know what that's about. He's driving her away again.’ Raimund pushed the strap of his olive-green bag, full of colourful patches, a little higher on his shoulder. “Are you coming, Princess?” He grinned.
Lauri frowned. Once, in primary school, thanks to his blonde hair, which was much too long at the time, he had been given the job of the stupid princess in a Christmas play because the real princess had thrown up out of fear or perhaps thanks to a virus, and the damage was done. For months, he was nothing but the princess's prince for the class. It was the only time Raimund had been involved and no one had been hurt.
At some point, Lauri had shaved off his hair with his father's long-hair clippers, which had earned him a period of wearing very thick caps and officially just looked awful on his round face. The other kids had forgotten about the princess thing, only remembering it very rarely, but Raimund had got into the habit. Lauri couldn't get out of the number. Since then, Raimund called him Princess. But he did it in a loving, almost affectionate way. As if the expression was a term of endearment for him. Fortunately, or perhaps because of that, he only did it when they were alone. Still, there had to be a punishment. Lauri punched him briefly with his elbow. ‘Ass. Let's see. Maybe I will go to Cyprus with my parents after all.’
‘Cyprus this time? I see. I'll do it without you. Farmer Franz was there with the tractor this time, and he always leaves the keys in the ignition on the old turnip. I can manage that on my own.’ Raimund stretched his only insufficiently shaved chin energetically.
Lauri sighed and rummaged busily in his backpack. ‘Let's see. I'll tell you on Wednesday what I'm doing.’ He liked to keep Raimund in suspense, enjoying the fact that his friend did care. But it was clear that Cyprus would never be able to compete against a harebrained idea of his friend and crush. Besides, he wanted to use the Easter holidays and the absence of his parents for the plan. It had to be, as much as he was afraid of it. Sighing, Lauri wondered how he should tell Raimund about his feelings. He was terribly afraid that for the first time in his life he would get his nose broken by his best friend and brother.
They parted in front of the school, Raimund had to memorise the vocabulary at the last second, and Lauri joined his friends to find out the latest gossip and the upcoming Easter plans. He blocked out the chatter and thought about his own plan. He had to do it soon. Easter was perfect, the old folks were away, Karen was busy with her best giggling friend, who was probably supposed to spend the night, and he and Rai would steal the tractor from Farmer Franz in a cloak-and-dagger operation to pull apart the branches at the Easter bonfire.
According to Raimund, it was scandalous that many animals had to die in these Easter fires because people were too lazy to check under the bushes and tree stumps before burning them. So this year he was determined to make their Easter bonfire unsuitable as a death trap and to free the rabbits and hedgehogs and mice from it, before everything was to be burned the next evening thanks to the wet with the help of petrol.
The action was crazy to the power of ten and typical of Raimund. He had stolen all the fishing equipment at school one year because he found it scandalous that the fish had to suffer just because a teacher wanted to start a fishing club. The following year, in a cloak-and-dagger operation, they had moved all the trout from the breeding pond to the large lake. Weeks later, the police were still trying to figure out who the thief was. They didn't realise that it could have been teenagers with a scooter, a small trailer and three buckets of water.
Raimund had put up a huge poster pointing out that one farmer was stuffing his animals full of antibiotics when he had noticed it. Raimund was extremely active in such matters and therefore also very exhausting, but Lauri liked that about him. He hoped that it was precisely Raimund's way of being so active, so protective of the weak, that would allow him to survive the debate in his own case, perhaps even with an unbroken nose.
The lesson, the vocabulary test including a search for a cheat sheet by teacher Schulz in Raimund's pencil case, and the breaks passed by Lauri rather unnoticed. He thought about the words he wanted to use to explain himself. It was like that. Raimund had been like a brother to him, all these years, and also his best friend. He had been his buddy, his student, whom he had taught so many things, and at the same time a teacher from whom he had learned the important things in life. Since last summer, however, Raimund had become something new to Lauri. Something that scared him. First love, maybe the only one, he was still undecided. The fact was, right now Rai was his only love.
Since last summer, Lauri had had a crush on Raimund, and a really big one at that. It was terribly painful, just like in the best depressing songs. It was beautiful. It was a wild feeling that wanted to be free, but wasn't allowed to be. Frightened, Lauri had locked up and hidden this feeling.
He had spent hours on the internet gathering information. It was perfectly okay for him to have a crush on Raimund. That was what it was called. From a social point of view, it could be difficult here and there, but difficult was Raimund's middle name, that much was already clear to Lauri. But was it really okay for him? Somehow Lauri was happy about these beautiful feelings and at the same time he viewed them with concern.
His life had not been particularly passionate or exciting so far. He hadn't really wished for that. He liked the calm and regularity of his life. He enjoyed living it in peace and was not wildly active like Raimund. The thought of a wild action on his own initiative rather frightened Lauri. But his feelings didn't get better, only clearer, louder. He had agonised over this last summer, during which Raimund had gotten a pretty sharp body from playing a lot of handball, beach volleyball at the lake and his job as a harvest worker. Lauri had noticed this tacitly, of course, but his sister Karen had expressed it verbally. She had cast an appreciative glance at Raimund's almost naked figure at the lake and then told her friend Rebekka, ‘The red plague fly is slowly becoming quite a sight.’
Rebekka had added, with expert knowledge, ‘Considering the hair, it's a miracle that he's getting so much tan and not walking around like a lobster.’
Lauri had followed their gaze and hadn't hidden it well enough, it seemed. In the following, he had to be annoyed by the two girls because of his alleged jealousy of Raimund's muscles. That wasn't true at all. Lauri was not muscular or even athletic-looking, but he had left the total chubbiness of his childhood behind him to some extent, even if he would never look slim or trained.
He played golf quite well and enjoyed it. So he played golf a lot, which helped him get a little fitter even against his own will, and he had gotten a good tan and very light blonde hair from sailing. He was actually quite content with himself. He had always been a realist and more was just not possible for him. He didn't have a big belly or butt anymore, so that was something. His face was still soft and round, but he hadn't developed any severe skin problems, unlike the neighbour's son, who now went to therapy twice a week. He hardly had a beard that needed shaving, and he had his brown saucer eyes, with which he repeatedly got away with it with the girls in the golf club and with the English teacher, as well as with their housekeeper Maya, and with his parents.
No. This summer, Lauri was quite happy with the way he looked. It was his psyche that worried him. No matter how motivating the internet trumpeted that it was okay to confess to your best friend that you had a crush on him. On the internet, they were certainly best friends who weren't called Raimund, otherwise they wouldn't have been so happy about it. And so Lauri was secretly, very quietly and only to himself madly in love with his friend.
But it suited him that this feeling was directed towards Raimund. Lauri had never done anything wild in his life that didn't have to do with Raimund. Alone, he was well-behaved, sweet, lame, boring. He did well in school, which was pretty good. He always went sailing in the sailing school in the summer and he trotted across the golf course with his father and mother twice a week. On Wednesdays and Fridays, when they closed their practices earlier. On the golf course, he always talked very nicely and kindly to the other children of the rich people who also romped around there.
He even spoke very kindly and nicely to Elisa from the parallel class. She was the crush for him, from the point of view of his sister and parents. Elisa's parents were both doctors with their own practices, so she and her parents appeared on the golf course on Wednesdays and Fridays. As soon as Elisa appeared, Lauri had to stand by her and be nice to her. That wasn't difficult for him; she was a totally nice girl and quite pretty, but nothing more. Lauri didn't feel wild around Elisa in any way.
And that day, too, Lauri dutifully trotted along to the bike racks with the others from the clique, where they were still hanging out. He smiled at Elisa, who now even wanted something from him, he promised her best friend Fiona that he would come to Elisa's birthday party, and he agreed that he would go sailing with his school friend Tim at the weekend after Easter, if the weather held up.
The conversation with Elisa, who asked Lauri about his Easter plans, was interrupted impatiently by Raimund's screeching horn. ‘Come on!’
Lauri blinked at Raimund and hastily said goodbye to Elisa, to whom he shouted as he ran off, ‘I'm probably not even going to be there. Cyprus or something is on the cards!’
When he took the helmet from Raimund, he said somewhat reproachfully, ‘What's the matter? Today is Monday, you don't have gym or work, do you?’
Raimund looked at him briefly, then bowed his head. ‘I don't want to freeze here and wait for the next rain.’
‘Well. We're having fish today, are you coming anyway?’ Being an activist, Raimund had been a vegetarian for a while and didn't even want to come over for dinner when there was fish or meat. That's why Lauri often asked for pancakes or rice pudding or vegetable soufflé from Maya.
Today Raimund seemed to be in a better mood, or he wanted something from Lauri, because he nodded curtly. ‘I don't want to go home either, Judith's latest disaster is probably still there,’ he explained.
‘Your new guy doesn't work either?’ Unemployment was typical for Judith's guys.
‘Yes, a hairdresser, they're closed on Mondays. But he's still a nincompoop. He's much too old for her. Besides, he cut her hair badly.’
Sighing, Lauri tightened the strap on his helmet and was surprised by Raimund's rough fingers plucking out one of his hair strands that had become too long again. Raimund looked at him for a moment, then smiled apologetically. ‘Hey, I'm sorry about your flirtation with Elisa, princess. I'll make it up to you, okay?’
‘I'm not flirting with her,’ Lauri protested indignantly. Annoyed, he tried to ignore his hot ears and folded his arms because Raimund was laughing at him again. These were the things that made the silence so difficult for Lauri. Raimund was rough, wild and never affectionate, except with him. With Lauri, Raimund was gentle, tender, even affectionate. But what did that mean?
What did those looks into the eyes, the touches mean, sometimes the back of the hand, sometimes the hair? Raimund was usually so outspoken, so why did he touch Lauri, smile at him so sweetly and say nothing else? It had to mean that he simply didn't want anything from Lauri, except to be his brother and protector. Fortunately, Raimund then drove off quickly and didn't bring up this embarrassing topic again.
They had lunch together with Maya and Raimund then had Maya sew a new patch on his bag, which was already covered with colourful items. This time it was a patch with two figures in top hats holding hands. A bit like the figures on toilet doors. Lauri looked up in astonishment from his laptop, where he had looked up the sign on the internet. ‘Raimund, do you even remember what all these signs stand for?’ He looked at the colourful mess. “What Maya is sewing on there is for same-sex marriage, isn't it?”
Maya looked at the symbols inquiringly, then said critically. ’Raimund, then maybe I should have sewn it next to the other one from the other day, huh?’ And when she tapped on it, Lauri's mouth went dry. It was a lambda symbol on a rainbow background. And before he could stop himself, his mouth asked, ‘Rai, are you gay with a symbol?’ Hope made him dizzy and his heart race.
Raimund grinned at him. ‘Judith's last failure in men was this really funny guy. Karsten. He's in the police, border patrol or something. He was fit, uncomplicated and nice. She picked him up in the cactus when she came to pick me up. And what can I say? Karsten hadn't stolen her furniture and valuables, he had treated her nicely and even paid her, he didn't have her do his laundry or talk her into getting some sick dog. He helped her when the fence fell over again the other day. He wasn't impotent like last year's guy, I could hear that much...’
Maya coughed softly and Raimund grinned apologetically, but continued. ‘…he didn't have a thousand weird diseases and he didn't have a thousand illegitimate children who had to be fed every weekend. There had to be a catch. Well, recently Judith confessed to me that he had probably gone both ways. He wasn't just with her, but also with a man. She had forgotten about a date and, typically Judith, went to see him the next morning to apologise. She must have surprised the two of them in bed. Classic. Typically Judith, she started by making them both a coffee and listening to their story. Karsten didn't dare actually come out and told her that he thought she was nice, wouldn't get him in trouble, didn't want to get married and that he could have her as an alibi alongside his lover. Well. Typically Judith, once again.’
Lauri gaped open-mouthed and looked at Maya, who pushed the needle through the thick fabric of the bag with a concentrated look and pretended that she wasn't part of the conversation. ‘How does Judith always do that? She really has a tracking device for totally messed-up men, doesn't she?’
Raimund shrugged. ‘He said he really liked her. I believe him. But liking someone and loving them are two different things, aren't they? At first they even wanted to try it as a threesome, but that was too complicated for her, you know Judith. And now I'm meeting Karsten again at the Cactus and he's asked me if I'd like to take part in a petition. In Germany, gay couples aren't allowed to marry. I didn't know that! Our country is totally behind the times! It's totally lousy. In Spain, gays are allowed to marry, but they're Catholic over there! Cool, isn't it?’
Maya coughed again and cut the last thread. ‘Done. I don't want to hear that word again at my dining table,’ she said, looking sternly over her frameless glasses. Then she got up and grumbled as she stretched her back. ‘Lauri, you haven't taken your laundry down. I have Easter off, you have to wear clean clothes.’
‘He can do his own washing from time to time, Maya.’ Raimund jumped up and kissed her on the cheek. ’Thanks!’
Lauri looked at the colourful patches and couldn't fight back. His heart was pounding. Now was his chance, right? Now he had to tell Raimund. Karen wasn't there. Maya was just throwing on her ugly transition jacket and waved at them, and Rai and he were sitting so close together.
‘Hey, Rai?’ With trembling fingers, Lauri fumbled with the tasteless Easter basket on their table.
Raimund threw his bag on the floor and said, ’Well, come on, Lauri!’
‘How?‘ Lauri looked up anxiously and was surprised again by Raimund's fingers, which plucked his hair to the side. “Princess, your hair has become really long, soon I'll call you Rapunzel.”
’Ass! What?‘
’Are you in love with Elisa?’
‘What? Why would you say that? No way!‘
’Well, you've been so absent lately. Always daydreaming. Just now, too. I babble on and on and you just stare ahead. I was even allowed to call you princess. Am I boring you?’ It suddenly sounded urgent, serious.
‘No! No! I'm just... tired, Rai. I don't fancy Elisa, really.‘ He was so distracted because he only needed to hear Raimund's voice to drift off into a dream world. It wasn't getting any better, it was getting worse.
’Do you want to sign up for this marriage thing too?‘
’Hm. Absolutely. It's really unfair, I think too.’
‘I'll bring it to school after the holidays, then we'll do it with everyone. We'll make a campaign out of it. Are you coming Friday night? You can drive the tractor, you've at least had some practice. I can't do it so well without you.’ Raimund was already jumping up.
‘Of course. I'll call my parents right away and tell them to fly to Cyprus on their own. I didn't feel like going there anyway.‘
’Great. See you!‘
’Wait a minute, Rai! Are you working tomorrow?‘
’Sure. I'm at the cactus. Why don't you come with the others? You can bring Elisa too.’
‘I don't want to. No, I have a theatre evening with my parents tomorrow, I'll come on Thursday, okay?’
Raimund grumbled his okay to himself, so Lauri followed him again into the utility room. ‘Rai, I'm not into Elisa, honestly not.’ They looked into each other's eyes briefly and Raimund grinned weakly. ‘Well, luckily. I was afraid I'd lose you to some snipe.’
A moment later, Lauri was sitting alone at the dining table, staring at the Easter arrangement. His thoughts were in a whirl. Raimund wasn't against gay relationships. Of course not. But what would happen if his own best friend suddenly belonged to that group? Would they no longer be able to look at each other? No longer be able to touch each other? Lauri's heart beat with fear. He knew he had to come clean about this before it got ugly. But he didn't want to lose Raimund.
The rest of the day, Lauri was completely dull and was glad that they only had two more days of school before the holidays gave him a respite. After all, only one more year of school and then he was free. Although that was relative again. Karen was studying dentistry, her boyfriend was studying dentistry. Lauri was expected to study dentistry. He felt queasy when he heard the sound of the drills, the smell made him feel as uncomfortable as it did for most people. He didn't want to be a dentist. He wanted to... sighing, he threw himself on his bed and took out a picture of Raimund and himself. They had put their arms around each other and laughed at the camera. He was cute and blond and a bit too chubby, Raimund was lanky and strong at the same time and with his red hair. Lauri just wanted to stay with Raimund. Where and how was almost irrelevant.
The Thursday before Easter came faster than Lauri would have liked. With it came his next date with Elisa. She was totally sweet and nice. He really liked her, liked her sense of humour, thought she was pretty with her dark brown hair and bright blue eyes. But he didn't feel any kind of heartbeat when she gave him a deep look from those heavenly eyes. Like now. They were sitting across from each other at a table in the Kaktus, where Raimund worked behind the bar to get the money together for a car. He was already eighteen, after all. One year older than Lauri. He had come to school later. Ostensibly because he was still so wild and immature. In reality, Maya and Judith had thought it would be better if Lauri and Raimund stayed together.
Raimund had brought Elisa and Lauri their drinks and was now chatting with some school friends while he washed the glasses. Elisa had manoeuvred Lauri to the table and looked into his eyes. Somehow, everyone expected them to become a couple now, didn't they? Lauri looked around nervously, met the grinning gaze of her friend Fiona and now wished that his parents had ordered him to fly to Cyprus with them. What a bummer. Now he was pretty much trapped. If only he hadn't come here!
Elisa told him something about a new film and he nodded, hadn't seen it either, but missed his chance to invite her to the cinema because he was watching Raimund, who was somehow talking to a girl for quite a long time. Lauri jumped up, even though Elisa was in mid-sentence. ‘I... have to go to the... toilet, I'll be right back.’
The music was loud and so Raimund leaned in closer as Lauri stared at him across the bar.
‘Save me.’
Raimund blinked. ‘Please?’
‘Save me. Elisa is hitting on me.’ Lauri looked imploringly into Raimund's eyes and found them much prettier than Elisa's. Also blue, but in a happy, bright way. Not blatant or striking, but somehow they lured the gaze in. Or was it always just him?

Oh, how beautiful it was to fly so easily through the air. Fabian could literally feel the warm wind gliding through his toes and hands, which he had stretched out straight and still in front of him. His curls blew in the wind and it felt as if he could feel this warm wind inside him as well – he felt almost as light as a feather as he sailed over green hills. Below, a few lambs were romping around – from this height they looked like little cotton balls chasing each other, but if Fabian concentrated hard, he could even hear them bleating. He flew on – over small villages where happy children were playing, over forests as dark green as the eyes of his favorite doll. To his right, an ocean of seemingly endless proportions now opened up, when suddenly a seagull sought his company and looked at him curiously. Fabian had never really liked it when someone stared at him like that. So he decided to turn to the left to avoid this cheeky seagull.
“Stay here! You'll like it here with us,” he heard her call. ‘No one will hurt you here!”
“I'm afraid I can't,’ gasped Fabian, who found it difficult to speak at such a great height, ”as beautiful as it is here, I don't belong here. Maybe another time.” He had barely finished speaking the sentence when he was suddenly pulled downwards, as if he was in the grip of a firm hand. He rushed towards the ground and the forest, which had previously been dark and beautiful, now seemed dark and threatening and, to make matters worse, was coming closer and closer.
Slowly, very slowly, Fabian opened his eyes. Why did his dreams always have to end like this, how he would have liked to have flown even further. He rubbed his eyes and peered wearily from under his blanket. It wouldn't be long before his mother came to wake him up. Unfortunately, the weekend had passed far too quickly again – how nice it was to be back with his grandparents in the country. The city, the daily grind – and especially school were always so far away on days off. Fabian hated school – not in the way that many students like to say, no, he really hated it.
“Good morning, my darling, did you sleep well?” His mother had come into the room unnoticed and, like every morning, gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead.
“Morning, Mom!” Fabian replied, followed by a hearty, exaggerated yawn. It was the same ritual as every day, and every time, his mother had to laugh heartily about it. All he wanted was to make her happy, not to cause her any grief.
While he slowly stumbled out of bed, his mother fumbled around in his closet to lay out his clothes. As always, Fabian grumbled about it – after all, he was no longer a small child. On the other hand, he liked the fact that she took care of him.
Fabian was always in a hurry after his shower – he gulped down his breakfast in record time, said goodbye to his mother and father – who had also gotten up by now – and ran with his fully packed school bag towards the bus station, which was not far from his parents' house. Not that he was in a hurry to get to school – as I said, he hated school – but every time he hoped to catch an earlier bus so as not to run into them. Them – the other boys in his class.
Unfortunately, he was unlucky that morning – he was at the bus stop early enough, but apparently a bus had been canceled. It seemed like an eternity before the school bus finally arrived. His heart was pounding – hopefully at least his friend Silvie was on the bus, who always sat in the first row and kept a seat for him. Then at least he wouldn't have to fight his way all the way to the back, past all the rows where she sat. Silvie was not only his only friend, he also sat next to her at school. Was that why the boys called him 'girlie boy'? Or was it his blond curls? Fabian didn't know the answer to that question. He liked Silvie very much, but he wasn't in love with her.
Luckily, Silvie was sitting on the bus that morning and had, as always, saved him a seat. His heart was beating at a normal pace again as he took a seat next to her. Alex, Phillip and Can were sitting further back on the bus and didn't seem to have noticed Fabian's arrival at first. They were in the same class and Fabian's worst enemies.
“Good morning, Fabian,” smiled Silvie, in a similar way to his mother. ‘Oh, if only the day could be over already – it's not going to get any better,’ Fabian thought to himself, and he also greeted Silvie in a friendly manner.
Soon they were deep in conversation – about what the weekend had been like, whether he had all his homework and how he was doing. A few times Silvie glared angrily over her shoulder – and from that point on, the first chewing gum balls flew in Fabian's direction.
“I was at grandma and grandpa's. It was really great, imagine how big their new dog is again,” Fabian said. Unfortunately, the ‘old’ dog had died last year, which made Fabian very sad. ”I'd love to...”
Fabian fell silent. A piece of chewing gum had hit him full in the head. While Silvie swore at the back, he tried to ignore this attack. “How do they always have so much chewing gum?” He thought, and it was hard for him to hold back the tears.
“You fag!” He heard someone shouting loudly behind him. It was definitely Can – he always called him that.
“Have a good cry, you sissy. You're not wearing your skirt today!” That was Alex. How could he possibly know? Fabian had known Silvie for a very long time and they had liked playing together even in kindergarten. She was often a guest at Fabian's house – and they had often swapped clothes out of curiosity. Fabian always found it very pleasant, but also just a game. But Alex couldn't know that.
Five minutes later, the bus had finally arrived at the school. “OK. I'll see you in class then!” he said to Silvie before running towards the school building. It was always worst during the breaks and the time before the start of classes. So he tried to be at school before everyone else – even if he wasn't really in the school. Right before Fabian's class was the school garden, which also had an old garden shed. Of course it was locked, but some time ago he had discovered a loose board through which he could easily slip – after all, he was very slim. Once inside, he always huddled behind the large spades and rakes and sat very still. If he was particularly early, he enjoyed the silence, the smell of the wood or the chirping of the birds.
From minute to minute, however, the noise level in the school building next to him increased. He heard the others laughing and shouting. How the boys called each other names for fun. How the girls giggled.
He knew he didn't belong. He didn't like to fight with the other boys, nor did he like to play soccer. During gym class, he preferred to stay with the girls – there were other ball games besides soccer, where he was always chosen last anyway. In general, girls seemed much gentler to him – he felt comfortable among them. But he wasn't a girl either, even if he often imagined what it would be like to be one. Fabian always thought about that – and about many other things – in those last few minutes before the first bell. After that, he had five minutes to hang up his jacket in the cloakroom and rush to class.
Most of the time he actually managed to do this on tiptoe, just to avoid being loud or attracting attention. How he would like to be like the other boys sometimes – loud and wild. And if someone were to be rude to him, he would give them a smack in the face! Just like the others did to him, not because he was rude to them, but simply because he was different. He couldn't help it – even thinking about it seemed like a mistake to him. He just wasn't like the others, he just didn't belong.
To make matters worse, all students had to be in class after the first bell – if you were caught by a teacher, it meant trouble. Fabian was caught once: a teacher snarled at him so fiercely that his legs turned to water and tears welled up in his eyes. He didn't ask why he was late. He didn't really seem to care. The teachers didn't care that he regularly dreaded the breaks. They didn't care what happened every time before and after school.
It didn't interest any of the teachers when one day they grabbed him and dragged him to the toilet.
“Come with me,” a boy from another class said to him kindly. Fabian didn't know the older boy and was curious to know what he wanted. ”I've hidden a little kitten in the toilet. Do you want to see it?” Fabian loved animals. His grandparents not only had a dog, but also two cats, with whom he often played for hours when he stayed with them over the weekend.
So he went with the boy that day, even though he was a little afraid. After all, he knew that animals were not allowed in the school building and that it could get him into a lot of trouble.
Every morning, Fabian remembered that day, the throbbing in his throat, the excitement – and what happened next.
“I hid it in the last cabin,” he heard the boy say, who was just behind him. At that moment, fear overcame him for the first time – something didn't seem right here. The door burst open and another boy came out. Fabian tried to run away, but the older boy behind him was much too strong – he grabbed him by the throat and pushed him into the cubicle with the help of the other boy.
“Be quiet!“ one hissed, holding his mouth shut as Fabian began to whimper.
“I said be quiet!” he hissed again when Fabian didn't calm down.
“Come on, before a teacher comes!“ whispered the other. They grabbed him by the legs, plunged his head into the shell and flushed it. Fabian could hear their ugly laughter much louder than the water.
“Well, did you like the shower, you fag?” one of them laughed in his face when they were done with their evil game.
“Let's see if he really is a girl,“ said the other, and he pulled Fabian's trousers down.
It didn't seem to bother them at all that Fabian was now crying quietly to himself. He tolerated the abuse heaped upon him patiently.
“Look, he's got a willy after all!” one of them exclaimed, amused. 

“And what a tiny one. So it's almost a girl after all,” said the other. The noise was slowly getting louder in front of the toilet, which made the two of them nervous.
“You're going to stay here for another five minutes, okay? Otherwise we'll do it again tomorrow and the day after and every other day, got it? And don't you dare say anything to anyone! Or we'll think of something much worse!”
To emphasize this, one of the two punched him in the stomach before they left the toilet. Fabian slumped down – never before in his life had he been so scared. But he did as the boys had ordered him. He pulled up his trousers and stayed seated for another 15 minutes instead of 5, while he cried silently.
It had long since rung for the hour when he held his head under the hair dryer to dry his hair. Then he returned to the class, where he also got in trouble from the teacher.
“Fabian, you know it is forbidden to be late for class after the bell!”
“Excuse me, I was still in the bathroom. I've had a stomach ache since this morning!”
The teacher eyed him suspiciously, and Fabian knew he didn't believe him. “Don't tell me fairy tales,” the teacher said that day. “Were you hiding in the toilet again, eh? Tell me, do you always have to lock yourself out? Do you want to remain an outsider for the rest of your life?”
Fabian stood rooted to the spot while everyone else stared at him. He hated being stared at. His homeroom teacher had even called his parents into school to tell them how worried he was about Fabian. His reason for concern: Fabian would exclude himself – he would refuse to join the group. When his mother later asked him about it, Fabian began to cry. He was far too afraid to tell her what had really happened – and besides, he didn't want to make his mother, whom he loved more than anything, sad.
From that day on, Fabian hardly dared go to the bathroom at school – and he began to wet the bed.
That morning, Fabian was in his seat on time when the bell rang for the first hour. In the first hour they had math – Fabian was extremely gifted and math, in particular, came easily to him. The hour went by quickly, unfortunately, because in the following break Fabian had to go to Can. He had ordered him a few weeks earlier to give him his daily snack.
“What have you got with you today, sweetheart?” he purred girlishly, much to the amusement of his friends.
“I've got a grain roll with cheese – and a packet of cocoa!”
“Yuck. Is that all? Pure girl food! Do you at least have any money on you?”
“No,” Fabian lied, because he had five euros in his pocket. Of course, Can didn't believe him. Fabian flinched when he reached into his pocket and fumbled out the five euros.
“Liar!“ Can snapped at him, and the others looked at Fabian as if he had committed a serious crime. Silvie tried to intervene, but a few girls stopped her; they all helped when it was against Fabian.
“Lie to me again and you'll get more blows, understand?” Can stood up to the smaller Fabian. “Understood?”
“Yes,“ Fabian squeaked.
Can pocketed the five euros, but took his cheese croissant anyway, brought it to his crotch and ran his right hand up and down.
“Oh, Fabian, Fabiaaan,” he moaned, while the others doubled over with laughter. Then he spat on Fabian's snack and handed it back to him.
“Enjoy your meal, fag. Now get out of my sun.”
Fabian was so tired of it. He was too weak and too afraid to defend himself against the much stronger Can. What would it have achieved? Can had many friends who would help him, he only had Silvie, who couldn't help him either.
And Can was quite serious about it: if Fabian didn't do what he wanted, he would wait for him after school and beat him up. Can never hit him in the face, usually in the stomach or balls. After all, Fabian shouldn't have any visible evidence against him.
So the school day went on – hour after hour. Break after break. Insult after insult. Sometimes it was Can, then Phillip, then Alex.
Finally, the last two hours had arrived – drawing. Fabian was a very good drawer and he loved this subject. When he had his drawing sheet and his watercolors in front of him, he disappeared into another world. He immersed himself in the watercolors and everything around him was colorful. His brush danced across the sheet as if moved by an invisible hand, while Fabian created dream landscapes. Because that was the motto of the hour: a dream!
What a coincidence! Fabian decided to paint his dream from the night before. He painted the hills he had flown over, the lambs chasing each other – and a friendly-looking seagull. He remembered what the seagull had said to him: “No one will bother you here!”
Fabian was finished faster than anyone else and looked contentedly at his sheet – the art teacher praised him and he could hardly wait to come home to show his mother.
“See you at the bus stop,” Fabian whispered to Silvie, while he ran out of school just as fast as he had left the bus in the morning.
A little later, they met again at the bus stop – together with a crowd of other students, all waiting for the bus. Among them were Can, Alex and Phillip, who glared at him angrily. Fabian was proud of his drawing – they apparently didn't like it when he was pleased with himself.
More and more children gathered at the bus stop, but no bus approached. When Fabian felt unobserved by the others, he said goodbye to Silvie and decided to walk home.
“Are you sure?” asked Silvie. ”The bus will be here soon!”
“Oh, it's not that far, and at least the others won't get on my nerves!”
As inconspicuously as possible, he crept away, carefully carrying his drawing in front of him – after all, he didn't want to crumple it unnecessarily. The sun was shining warmly and the people who came towards him looked at him smiling.
“Ah, Fabian!” Frau Weinfahrt, who lived in the neighborhood, ran into him. ‘What a beautiful drawing you've made again! And how big you've gotten. How old are you now?”
“I'll be nine in two weeks!’ Fabian replied politely.
“Well, happy birthday then.” She rummaged around in one of her pockets and pulled out a bar of chocolate, which she immediately put into his school bag. ”In case we don't see each other again before then!”
Fabian thanked her and said goodbye. He liked Mrs. Weinfahrt, who was always nice to him.
How could it be that everyone in his neighborhood seemed to like him, while everyone at school hated him?
He was supposed to live to be nine years old. But he really wasn't that tall, even if Ms. Weinfahrt said he was. Rather small and very slender. Because of his blond curls, some people really thought he was a girl, which Fabian didn't really care about – as long as they didn't call him names because of it. He just liked playing with dolls and with other girls. He didn't want to play with boys – he was more afraid of them, even though he saw something mysterious in them. When he thought of some boys, he even felt a warm sensation in his stomach. He found that strange then!
“You've really buttered up the Miller again! Give it here!”
Can was suddenly standing in front of him – with Alex and Phillip in tow. He snatched the drawing from him and looked at it mockingly.
“Look – nothing but sheep! And clouds! And that damn pigeon! A real fagot picture!” Can scornfully dragged out the words ‘sheep’ and ‘cloud’, while he held Fabian's drawing with two fingers.
“That's a seagull,“ Fabian whispered barely audibly.
The three of them fell silent.
“Please? Do you have something to say?” Can snapped at him.
“Come on, get him over there!”
Alex and Phillip pushed Fabian unnoticed down a side street, where they immediately pushed him to the ground and held him.
Almost gently, Can placed Fabian's drawing just in front of his face, as if he were careful not to damage it. Then he unbuttoned his trousers and peed on it.
The colors blurred and merged – the seagull no longer looked friendly, but rather as if it were crying.
When Fabian noticed that Alex and Phillip's grip had loosened slightly, he took the opportunity to escape.
“Come on, after him!” he heard Can shouting behind him.
He ran headlong out of the side street onto the street.
Only the screeching of a car prompted Can, Alex and Phillip to end their ‘hunt’.
Fabian stood rooted to the spot – if the car hadn't slammed on the brakes, he would have been killed. He turned around to his three tormentors and looked at them. Not reproachfully or angrily. Just sadly and with a pleading look in his eyes that seemed to say, “Just leave me alone!”
He couldn't tell if Can, Alex and Phillip had noticed it too. They were also standing there as if frozen to salt acids. Fabian went home silently.
“Well, my darling, is everything all right? Dinner will be ready soon – spaghetti with cheese sauce. You like that so much. How was your day?” his mother greeted him as Fabian crept into the house.
“Everything's fine, the same old stuff,” Fabian smiled at her and went to his room. He didn't want her to see him crying. She shouldn't have to worry about him. He would turn nine in a few weeks – and then everything should be better.

A few days ago, I came across the little box with the photos and my notes from that time. I had originally written them for Tom, or rather for a letter to him.
But the letter to my brother never got past the stage of a mere intention, which was repeatedly postponed. In the end, he, like me, fell victim to the circumstances of the time, which were really not such that they encouraged the writing of long letters explaining one's own situation.
Again and again I postponed the task of telling Tom about the wild events around me, and in the end the letter remained completely unwritten. Everything happened so fast back then, and when I read my old notes today, more than ten years later, I can still feel the fear and agitation of that time between the lines.
It was in the fall of 2004. I had just arrived in distant Dnipropetrovsk – well, at least physically arrived – and quickly found myself on a merry-go-round that seemed to spin faster and faster with each round.
The ride was like one of those events where, from round to round, you can feel that disaster is inevitable and the worst is yet to come. I am still amazed that I didn't get dizzy during the ride and that I wasn't thrown out far.
Maybe it's because you don't even notice how fast your own little world is turning and changing from minute to minute. You think you're young and still have all the time in the world, but the hours and days are already running through our fingers like fine sand.
While the music plays and the carousel turns, it's easy to lose your sense of time and space – at least it was for me and for some of the others back then.
As I said, ten years have passed since then. A long time, during which plenty of grass has grown over many things. But the grass has hardly taken root. When I picked up my old notes again a few days ago and the photos refreshed my slowly fading memory, everything came back to me immediately. It didn't take a second for me to see the faces and hear the voices again.
Some voices I can no longer hear today, although they are more present to me than they were back then and also more present than other voices that I have around me every day. Why this is so, I am beginning to understand today. At the time, in the winter of 2004/2005, it was not clear to me. How could it be? I was too young and inexperienced back then and certainly not the man I am today.
For a while, I tried to forget. But I couldn't. I couldn't forget and suppress what was deeply ingrained in my memory. Probably I didn't want to at any time. My experiences were too valuable and precious to me.
They are the experiences of a young person, almost still those of a child, who suddenly encounters the harshness of life with full force. You don't see it coming and it's hard to avoid. At least I couldn't do it back then, and that is probably also part of the guilt I have taken upon myself.
Yes, guilt is the right word, because I have owed a lot to many people. Not only to myself, actually to everyone, especially to Vlad and Lucca.
Today it is too late to change anything. I can neither stop nor turn back time. All I can do is accept my life story for what it is: my very own story, which I can no longer rewrite and which will always belong to me.
It didn't take long for me to realize this while leafing through the old photos and documents. There is no escape and mistakes remain mistakes, no matter how much you regret them. What counts in the end is the love that remains and the guilt that still stands between us years later. Nobody takes it away, nobody makes it go away.
It all started quite harmlessly with a careless promise and a crazy party. In the end, there was war in all its severity. I survived it. Whether rightly so, I have often asked myself and never found a satisfactory answer to my oppressive questions.
Maybe there is one and I just have to keep looking for it. Maybe silence is the only appropriate answer. I don't know.
The box of photos opened a door that I believed was firmly closed. It was a mistake, like so much of what I will tell, was a mistake.
Today I might know how it could be done better. At that time I certainly didn't know. But what I do know is that things happened as I will describe them.[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]
[HEADING=1]2. An fremden Ufern[/HEADING]
[size=18][FONT=Lucida Sans][color=#FFFFFF]“This damn cold weather is killing me. If only it wasn't for this disgusting wind!” I turned up my collar and checked the zipper of my jacket again to make sure it was closed all the way up. It was, but I still felt like the cold was coming in through a thousand open holes. Who expects such cold weather at the end of November? I certainly didn't, and if the thermometer already falls to minus twenty degrees Celsius at night, what will it be like here in January or February?
By the way, this is Dnipro, 35th degree of longitude, the same one near which are also Murmansk and Jerusalem, so, seen from Germany, quite far to the east, to the end of the world, and then another ten kilometers further. As for the parallel, the city is located at about the same height as Vienna. 'City' is, by the way, a slight understatement. It is, after all, the third largest city in the country. One million inhabitants live here, most of them in some unsightly socialist prefabricated concrete tower blocks. It is an important center of the metal industry, and in Soviet times it was a strictly guarded center of the arms industry. That means that foreigners couldn't get in and locals couldn't really get out, at least not if they were employed in the relevant factories. A large-scale prison, and all because the infamous SS 20 missiles were manufactured here. In addition, there are chemical, building material and wood processing industries. Food is also produced and industrially preserved in Dnipropetrovsk, and more recently also by my father's company. No idea which oh-so-clever mind at the corporate headquarters came up with the crazy idea of tapping into the emerging Eastern European markets here, of all places, at the lower reaches of the Dnieper.
For my father's career, the idea was the chance of the century, for me it was the biggest catastrophe of my short 17-year life so far. How I envied my brother Thomas. Two years older, with his A-levels in the bag, he is now studying in Hamburg, while I am struggling through my days here at the end of civilization with my non-existent knowledge of Ukrainian and Russian.
“Sebastian, it'll be fine. Don't worry too much,” Thomas, whom I had always called Tom like all his friends since I was very young, had said on our last evening together in Germany. It was easy for him to say, since he was staying in Germany. Well, he also had to move because of the start of his studies, but at the university, surrounded by German-speaking fellow students, he will find it much easier to make friends and meet people than I will here.
Speaking of friends, Ryan had slowly caught up with me. He laughed happily and for days now has been enjoying himself whenever I complain about the cold. Well, mostly I don't just complain, but curse like there's no tomorrow. Somehow it's a kind of outlet for me to let off steam before the frustration destroys me internally. I suddenly felt Ryan's hand on my shoulder as we looked across the river to the other side together. Over there, on the other side of the bridge, was where Siberia began. No, not really, but in all my despair it seemed that way to me again and again.
“Don't you think it's time you arrived here, too? I mean, really arrived. You've been here for a month now, but your heart is still in Germany.”
I looked at him sadly. He was so right about what he said. I really have been living in a kind of daydream since I came to Dnipro. Everything seemed unreal and untrue, like a bad dream: my father's transfer in the summer, my own arrival in the city with my mother in mid-October. I kept waiting to wake up, wanted my life to continue in Germany, and at the same time was not ready to face the world and the facts here, right in front of me and my frosty cold nose. That was what Ryan meant by arriving.
He was actually in the same situation as me, but he was able to cope with it much better. His father works for the same company that my father works for. It is an international corporation with employees from all over the world. Ryan's family is from England, from Salisbury to be precise, but Ryan has long since become something of a citizen of the world due to the frequent moves in tow of his father, who is a business man roaming the world. He can quickly feel at home anywhere, even here in deepest Russia, sorry, in deepest Ukraine.
“And what do you think I should do?”
“Maybe you should say goodbye to Germany for a while, not forever, but for a longer period of time. I know you love your home and the many friends you left there,” said Ryan, who always spoke to me with great empathy. ”But you live here now and it looks like it will be a little longer than just the next three weeks.”
I looked at him sadly, but I didn't need to say anything, because he knew how I felt. We had often talked about this topic, but given my inability to respond to his thoughts, Ryan must have felt that talking to me was like Don Quixote's fight against windmills.
“What do you think about me taking you with me this weekend? A few Ukrainian friends have invited me to a small party. Just go with them, meet a few new people and, above all, don't shut yourself away all the time. You know how keen Russian women are on you.”
And how I knew. Hook one of the cute foreign sons, wrap him around your finger, maybe have his child, get married and then be “abducted” to the golden West. That, in a nutshell, was the dream of the average Ukrainian girl my age. It goes without saying that we foreigners must have seemed extremely wealthy to them all. What could be more obvious than to grab a golden goose like that? For most of them, beautiful or ugly, stupid or intelligent, love or marriage of convenience, it was always a ticket to a better future.
“You know how I feel about these parties,“ I replied to Ryan.
“Yes, I know, all the alcohol and the annoying girlies, but is there anything else that really bothered you and was different from the parties you know from Germany?”
“No, not really,” I had to admit.
Ryan smiled. “There you go. Besides, you've only been to one party since you arrived and all your prejudices are based on that. If you really want to do justice to the people here, you have to give them a fair chance. If after twenty parties you still haven't had any other experiences, then I'll leave you alone and will never ask you again if you want to come to a party, but so far you're missing at least nineteen examples in your collection.” He laughed, as he always did when he knew he was right and sensed that I was running out of counterarguments.
“All right, I give up. And which Natascha has a reason to celebrate this time?” I asked back with biting irony in my voice.
“Hey, I'm happy if you come with me, but do yourself and me a favor and try to approach the evening reasonably open-mindedly and neutrally. If you only go because you want to confirm your prejudices, it'll never work.” He shook his head. “I can't promise you'll have fun, but I do know one thing for sure: if you go there just to confirm your prejudices about the country and its people, you definitely won't have any fun. So don't make things harder for yourself than they already are.”
I nodded my head silently. He was right, but I didn't need to confirm that in writing.
“Oh yes, before I forget: the Natasha, with whom there is something to celebrate this time, is called Dima, by the way. You know him very vaguely by sight. It's that tall blonde boy you almost spilled your cola glass over at your first and so far last party.”
I was horrified. “What about that pretty boy you told me about, who is the crush of all the girls in the local music temples?”
“That's the one,” Ryan laughed.
“Impossible, I'm not going there,” I blurted out. ”I don't want to experience another embarrassment like that. The one time he looked at me like I came from another star is enough for me.”
“Don't talk nonsense,” Ryan said angrily. ”You accepted and now you're coming along. Besides, Dima is all right. He's a really nice guy and he doesn't hold a grudge against you. On the contrary, he's already asked me twice if I want to finally bring you along and I'm going to do it next Saturday, whether you like it or not. And if I have to organize some kind of Ukrainian mafia commando to drag you there by force if necessary, but you're going whether you want to or not!”
I knew Ryan well enough by now to instinctively feel that any further resistance would be futile and ultimately counterproductive. So I didn't even make the mistake of trying.
We had met for the first time a few days after I arrived, quickly became good friends, and now spent a lot of time together outside of school. It was convenient for me that I could easily talk to Ryan. He didn't speak a word of German at all, and my school English was, as my various English teachers in Germany had repeatedly assured me, definitely in need of improvement, but here in my daily contact with Ryan, the other foreigners in the city and the few Russians and Ukrainians who mastered it, it proved to be quite good.
Ryan was a character who had fascinated and captivated me from the very beginning. He had a strange flair and a cheerful openness towards everything and everyone that I had never seen in a boy of our age. He was educated and well-read, but anything but conceited. He was one of the handsomest boys of his age, one who knew all too well about his physical attributes and their effect on other people, especially on the opposite sex. But he didn't put much stock in it. Ryan remained natural, uninhibited and affable. He was someone you could just love, and he was a friend to me that I couldn't have wished for better. He was sensitive and empathetic and could listen to me for hours when I complained about my troubles, but he could also be merciless when he sensed that I was hesitant about a jump that he thought was due. That was the case now, as he wouldn't let up for minutes until he had wrung my consent out of me.
So I would only be doing it for him if I went to this damned Russian party on Saturday, senselessly pouring vodka down my throat until I no longer knew where the front was and the back, and hoping that no one would ask me how I liked it here in Dnipro. If I were ever put in the embarrassing position of having to answer the question, I basically had two options: I could answer in a symbol-didactic way. In this case, the vodka would have left my body the same way it had entered me. Alternatively, I could also lie through my teeth and babble about German-Soviet, er, I mean German-Ukrainian friendship, which would have done honor to any diplomatic New Year's reception. But I didn't really like either of the two alternatives.
“Come on now. You haven't been transferred to a Siberian penal camp,” Ryan laughed, trying to cheer me up. “There are plenty of girls here who would love to compete for the place at your side. Maybe they're not as pretty as the young women you know from Germany, but why don't you get yourself a nice girl to at least have some fun in a foreign country?”
'Oh, no, not this discussion again.' Just yesterday Ryan had really pushed me hard with this tiresome topic. He just couldn't understand that I, in his eyes a good-looking, attractive young man, should have forgotten how to 'catch mice', as he called it, here in a foreign country. I should finally come out of my shell, play my charm and turn the heads of the local ladies so much that they wouldn't know whether they were left- or right-handed.
'Oh Ryan, if only you knew how little your image of Sebastian matches reality.' But how could he know something that I never told him? After all, I had always kept silent on this point, just as I did now, or replied with meaningless phrases. So he couldn't know and basically I don't know either. Only so much was clear in the meantime: While my friends in Germany had repeatedly fallen ill with love over the last two years – at first less often, then more and more often – they were already looking forward to their evening meetings with their beloved at eight in the morning, as if they were delirious, and before and three days after that date, not even the German national soccer league, this contagious infectious disease had somehow passed me by, for some reason I didn't understand, but also without it really bothering me.
“I'll give the place at my side when the time comes,” I mumbled, hoping to quickly turn the subject aside with this meaningless phrase.
“But why are you taking so long with it? Do you want to wait until you're 25 and only some over-aged ladies who have foolishly missed the boat on marriage will take care of you?” He looked at me uncomprehendingly. “Sebastian, you're young, you live now and you only live once. So finally get involved in life. Let yourself be embraced by its wild power and drift away until you reach a new shore.”
“Maybe you're right, let me think about it a bit and give me some time.”
“All right, have it your way. You have until Saturday to think about it, but then you have to jump. And don't come back to me with any lame excuses again. If you don't take the necessary steps yourself, I'll take matters into my own hands and help you.” He grinned from ear to ear as he said this.
“What are you going to do?”
“Well, for example, I'll get myself a beauty from the country who isn't quite as shy and uptight as you. I'll put her in a cell with you, and it'll be so cramped that you won't be able to avoid physical contact.”
“Then I'll probably become a murderer,“ I replied with a slightly resigned tone of voice.
“Nonsense, you'll be grateful to me afterwards, believe me,” Ryan assured me.
I tried to give the situation an ironic touch. “Who says I want to kill you? Maybe the poor girl will be the first to believe it and you'll blame yourself afterwards.”
“Oh, don't worry,” Ryan laughed. ”I'll pick out a beauty for you, one that will make even you think of something other than murder and mayhem. But now come on, your nose is all red. It's time to get back into the warmth. Let's take the bus and go home.”
Home was a relatively new housing development on the northern edge of the city. It was one of the residential complexes that had been newly built after the fall of the communist regime. It lacked the socialist, square, practical, unified character. The complex was medium in size, the facilities were normal by German standards and the prices were modest. From the perspective of an ordinary Ukrainian, however, we lived in a luxury palace that was second to none.
Ryan's family lived just two blocks away, so we had the same way home. Ryan already knew his way around the city much better and in most cases didn't even need a map, even though he had only arrived two weeks before me. As I said, a real globetrotter, someone who swims like a fish through Amsterdam's canals, confidently walks the streets of Hong Kong the next month as if he had always lived there, or dominates the terrain here in the middle of nowhere in Ukraine as if it were the backyard of his parents' property.
When I unlocked the front door, I heard my parents' familiar voices coming from the kitchen and went inside. “Well, are you so early or am I so late?” I asked my father, because I was not used to seeing him at this time.
“Both, I'm too early and you're too late,” he laughed happily.
Normally, he doesn't come home until quite late in the evening. The new position was an ideal career opportunity, but the workload associated with it is a Herculean task that is almost impossible to manage in the long term. In the first weeks of October, while my mother and I were still in Germany and making the final preparations for our own move, he only came to the apartment to sleep. Now that we've arrived, my father is spending a little more time here. Last Sunday, he was here all day! I couldn't believe it. It was like Christmas and Easter had fallen on the same day.
Officially, he is still married to my mother, but no one in our family believes him anymore, because unofficially, the office has long since taken precedence over her in recent years. Dad is one of those modern-day work slaves who crave to become senior department heads in whatever-town and live in constant fear of being pushed into early retirement at 55, exhausted and decrepit. Here in Dnipro, he is the new deputy regional director for Ukraine and, as such, is only subordinate to Ryan's father and the large corporate headquarters in Amsterdam.
The two of them get along quite well, which Ryan and I are very happy about. In the city, they are courted by all sorts of people. No wonder, after all, most of them hope that their good relationship with our fathers will one day enable them to find jobs in the newly emerging factories for one of their family members.
The only ones who regularly enjoy the directors' titles of our fathers are Ryan and I. For us, 'Mr. Vice Regional Director' or 'Mr. Regional Director' sounds like a lot of sound and even more smoke, just like 'Admiral Atlantik' sounds to the commander of an ordinary rowing boat on the Wannsee or a pedal boat on the Binnenalster. We think our part, but say nothing.
The cozy warmth in the kitchen allowed me to slowly thaw. I listened to my father, who spoke of his working day and the talks with various city officials, but to be honest, I was only half-listening.
My thoughts were consumed by the afternoon with Ryan and the prospect of going to a Russian vodka party with him on Saturday. How could I be so stupid as to get involved in such nonsense in the first place? The prospect of becoming the object of desire for some Ukrainian Natasha at the end of the party, who dreams of a better life for herself and has discovered me as her fairy-tale prince and savior, quickly lowered my mood to the evening's outside temperatures. No thanks, I don't need it. I want to go back to Germany, I want to be around my old friends and acquaintances again. But Germany is far away and there is snow outside, lots of snow, and it feels cold.
In the next few days, I hoped that the end of the world, which had already been announced several times by the German tabloid press, would finally take place and release me from all my problems and worries in an instant. But the gods seemed to have no mercy for me and my miserable existence.
On the contrary: it was getting colder outside every day, and the dreaded Saturday was approaching inexorably, like a snowstorm from which there was no escape.
“I'll pick you up tomorrow evening around seven,” Ryan had called after me cheerfully yesterday when we parted. He was looking forward to the new day, but I had more the feeling of heading towards some kind of boredom overdose.

The year is 2008. North Sea coast near Emden. A 16-year-old boy sits on a quay wall, looking out to sea lost in thought. In his hand, a message in a bottle. Yes... the words he wrote were harsh but true, and they hit the nail on the head. He was gay. He, Phillip Brueggemann, was gay and had not reckoned with the effects of his coming out. He was alone, alone with himself and his worries. He would never find someone to love, because, according to his father, he was too ill. Ill, the boy kept thinking. I am ill. A mental wreck.

With pent-up hatred for his father, but also fear of what the future might bring and a good deal of anger, he threw the bottle into the sea and thus handed it over to the sea.

The sky was overcast when Phillip finally dragged himself out of bed that morning. He should have had a university class already, but he wasn't feeling well, as he had been lately.

He had never let on to his roommate Maike, but now that certain repressed feelings were coming to the fore again through the new clique, they were making things almost unbearable. Whenever he thought of “it,” he felt sick to his stomach. I'm sick. That sentence had literally burned into his brain over the three years.

“Morning,“ Maike, his cheerful roommate, interrupted Phillip's train of thought. She had already prepared breakfast. Also as usual. Everything had become such a rut.

“Morning,” Phillip replied, completely disinterested. He couldn't stand this cheerfulness in the early morning.

“By the way, there's a letter for you,” Maike continued cheerfully, while she took a big bite of her jam roll. ”It's from your old man.”

Great! Phillip was glad to be rid of his father. He had given him more than enough trouble in his youth and now he was still sending him mail. Unbelievable!

“Don't you want to read what he has to say to you?“ Maike couldn't believe this reaction.

“Nah, not really,” Phillip replied brusquely, “he can go screw himself.”

“Okay.” Maike inhaled audibly. “Then at least read what's on the envelope. I have to go too. See you tonight.”

Phillip knew that she knew. What was going on with him. And actually he loved her for taking it so well, but he couldn't stand her stubbornness.

He poured himself a cup of coffee, then leafed through the university magazine a bit indecisively, but... as if guided by an invisible hand, his gaze kept returning to the large brown envelope. Should I or shouldn't I... that was his question here. Finally, human curiosity won and Phillip took the envelope and read the note from his father on the back.

“Hello, mail from somewhere I know. Something about a message in a bottle. Childish. Typical of his father, no sense of romance.”

With trembling hands, Phillip opened the envelope. Another letter fell into his hands. Postmarked Madeira. The letter had actually reached someone. Phillip couldn't believe it, because he had

almost forgotten about the message in a bottle, and now this.

He needed another sip of coffee and then... then there was no stopping him. Excitedly, Phillip tore open the envelope. A letter, handwritten...

Hello,

a few days ago I was sitting on the beach in the evening and your message in a bottle washed up. I was surprised that something like this still exists in the age of email and cell phones, until I saw the date.

Three years is a long time. But it's also a long way from Germany to here.

Anyway... you must have been pretty messed up when you wrote that letter. I'm not trying to poke open any wounds, but I'm gay too and I can tell you that it's really easy to live with today if you let it.

Today, we would both have to be about 19. And like fire and water. But I'm sending you my email address anyway. Maybe you can pull yourself together and write me an email. Let me prove to you that being gay is not an illness, as your father has drummed into you.

Life is always worth living.

I hope to hear from you soon. All the best. Danny

Phillip was perplexed. He had never expected that. His thoughts from back then... now, three years later, someone had actually responded and very sympathetically. However, Phillip couldn't imagine whether he would get involved in Danny's experiment. But he would definitely get in touch with him, but now he had to go to college first; he couldn't miss the second reading.

That evening was the day. He, Phillip Brüggemann, was going to make contact with a “like-minded person” for the first time. He was already shaking in his boots as he composed the first e-mail to the boy he didn't know. He might have been 19, but he was still as timid as he was three years ago.

He spent a quarter of an hour working on the right e-mail. Just to be able to wait. But he didn't have to wait that long. A chat window unexpectedly opened on his messenger and revealed that a Danny had just logged on.

“Hi Phillip.“ He really didn't waste any time.

“Hi,” Phillip wrote back. He had no idea what this chat would change.

Sympathy existed after just a few sentences written and Phillip realized for the first time that someone was really listening to him. So time passed and dawn was already breaking when Danny made him an offer that took his breath away at first.

“You have to live, Flip. Clear your head and since that's not possible in Germany, just come to Madeira for a few days.”

“And how should I do that?”

A big smiley face appeared in the messenger.

“Book a flight and get on the plane. Simple.“ Phillip shook his head. He had

ideas.

“And what about the semester?” Phillip again reacted completely reactionary. “I can't just leave in the middle of the semester.”

“Can't or won't?” Even though he couldn't hear Danny's voice, he knew that there would be a certain sharpness to it when they faced each other. And above all, he couldn't say anything to dissuade him. Over the next week, many lectures were canceled due to preparations for the graduating students. And he had nothing to lose either.

“Ok,” he wrote back to Danny. ”I'll do it. I'll come. Next week. I'll book a flight today and let you know today. Ok?”

Again, an oversized smiley appeared on the screen. That settled it.

Passengers of flight LH446 from Hannover to Funchal are requested to board at gate 4 now. All guests to flight...

“And you're really sure you want to do this?” Maike asked, looking worried. She had brought Phillip to the airport.

“No turning back,“ Phillip replied resolutely. He even smiled a little.

Maike no longer recognized her roommate. Phillip had been in contact with Danny for a week now, and in that week he seemed to have opened up to the outside world. Which made her increasingly happy.

“And don't pick up any hot guys,” Maike joked.

“I can't guarantee that,” Phillip cheekily replied, before saying goodbye to his roommate with a kiss on the cheek and going to the boarding. A baffled Maike was left behind.

Dear ladies and gentlemen, we will be landing in Funchal shortly. It is 27°C outside in bright sunshine. Captain Miller and his crew thank you...

Two hours had flown by. Now, just before landing, Philip's heart began to beat faster. In just half an hour, he would meet the man who had managed to snap him out of his lethargy in just one week.

“Just a quick wash,” was the first thing that crossed Phillip's mind as he reached the airport terminal with the airport bus. Hopefully Danny wasn't there yet.

He was lucky. Danny arrived just as he was coming out of the airport washroom, reasonably fresh and summer-clad. Phillip was speechless...

Danny was not what he had expected. What had he expected? Rather a guy like the average. But Danny was clearly not average. He was tall, athletic, which could be easily seen under his tight-fitting clothes, and blond. For many gays “the” dream man.

“Hi.” Danny beamed from ear to ear. ‘You must be Phillip?”

Phillip nodded, both petrified and enchanted at the same time.

“Well, let's get going then, I'm parked in a no-parking zone.’ As a matter of course, Danny took Flip's suitcase and walked ahead. This gave Phillip a moment to catch his breath before following him.

“And how do you like the landscape?“ They had been driving across the island for about half an hour, always heading towards Puerto Moniz in the north-west of the island.

“It's beautiful,” Phillip replied hesitantly. He was overwhelmed by the impressions of the island and the man next to him.

“Yes, it really is,” Danny replied, concentrating again on the narrow coastal road.

“Do you live here alone? On the island, I mean?“ Phillip's curiosity was now beginning to grow.

“No,” replied Danny, fully concentrated, “my parents also live on the island in Funchal. I moved to Puerto Moniz a year ago for work.”

“What do you do?“ This was one point they had not yet clarified.

“Actually, I work at the reception, but at the moment it's vacation for us, since there are no vacations in Germany or elsewhere. So I have plenty of time.” Danny smiled mischievously at Phillip again.

“So, here we are. Everyone out.” Danny stopped his jeep in front of a larger house with a wooden gate.

“This is where you live?“ Phillip looked at the grounds with the pool as he entered the property.

“Yep,” Danny replied, took Phillip's suitcase and set off. “Second floor, apartment 3.” This could only be too good to be true. Unbelievable!

“Here you go.” Danny, being the perfect gentleman, held the door open for his guest. ‘First door on the right is the guest room.”

“Wow.’ Danny smiled embarrassedly at Phillip's reaction. The room was bright and nicely furnished. The question of financing arose. But Phillip wanted to avoid dealing with something like that on the day of his arrival at all costs.

“First unpack. I'll be in the garden preparing your welcome barbecue. When you've settled in, you can join me. Oh, Danny turned around again as he left, “you can take off your shirt. We are alone in the house. The other apartments are only occupied in midsummer and late fall. So I'm practically the only permanent tenant in the complex.”

“Okay.” The usually so prudish Phillip felt quite differently in the face that he would soon see his host only in shorts and topless.

“Good. See you in a bit.” Danny disappeared through the door.

Air... Phillip needed air. He opened the large window and breathed in the sea air, which was so familiar and yet so different, like the air at the North Sea.

He began to carefully store his clothes in the closet. In five minutes, he had stowed everything important. And now... off to the garden... He rummaged for a matching swimsuit and a shirt. But what had Danny said... without a shirt, whether he dared to do that, that would mean a big leap over his own shadow. He thought about it briefly and made his way outside.

His eyes fell on Danny, who had just lit the grill. His six-pack glistened with sweat. He looked at himself. Okay, granted, he wasn't an Adonis. But no fat where it didn't belong either. Actually quite handsome, even if his father had always denied it.

“Hey, there you are at last.” Danny beamed like a Cheshire cat, while he scrutinized his guest and his body. ‘A beer?”

“Yes, please.’ Phillip gratefully accepted the beer. Suddenly he no longer felt so uncomfortable in his own skin. 

“Shall I relieve you?“ he asked Danny, who was already sweating profusely. ‘Then you can cool off in the pool for a bit.’ Phillip was surprised at his own courage.

“Would you really do that? That would be really great.” Danny seemed genuinely grateful for the suggestion.

Phillip rose from his lounger and took over the barbecue station. The bodies of the two men touched for the first time and a tingling sensation ran through Phillip's body. Danny had meanwhile jumped into the pool and was swimming his laps.

“Towel?” Phil suggested when Danny was about to get out of the pool again. But Danny waved him off. ”Okay.”

So fixated on the grill, Phil didn't realize that Danny was standing right behind him until water dripped onto his bare feet. What should he do? Danny was close, very close.

“Can I have it back?” Danny asked, gently placing his hand on Phil's, who was clutching the grill fork.

“Okay.“ Phil let go of the barbecue fork and turned to Danny's face, which was right in front of his. Through the touch, he felt that tingling sensation again. It wasn't much, but...

“I'm going to cool off for a bit.” The panic in Phil's head had finally won out again.

“Sure.“ Danny took over the barbecue again. Phil jumped into the pool while Danny was cooking. The first few days passed like this...

Phil felt safe, at home, and yet he couldn't really let himself be close to Danny. His mind balked vehemently. Then came this day...

“My parents are coming this afternoon.” All the alarm bells went off in Phil's mind immediately.

“But... I... I think...“ These words triggered unresolved feelings. Phil just couldn't put into words what was bothering him. A few tears rolled unintentionally...

“Hey,” Danny lovingly took Phil's head in his eyes and looked into his dark eyes and into his soul, “I wouldn't have let them come if I wasn't sure that they weren't like your father. Ok?”

“Ok.“ Danny wiped the tears from his guest's face.

“And now,” he urged, “get ready. We don't want to face my parents half naked, do we?” Phil nodded his head violently and the two of them made their way to the apartment.

“Shit!!!” echoed through the apartment and into Danny's room.

“What is it?“ he stormed in. Phil showed him the debacle.

“I packed the wrong clothes.” On the bed were jeans, thick sweaters, socks, etc. Danny couldn't help but burst out laughing. It hadn't been noticed because the two of them hadn't needed more than swimming trunks in the last few days.

“So what now?“ Phil asked, annoyed. Danny had recovered in the meantime.

“The only thing that will help is a quick shop,” Danny replied seriously. “But then we have to go right away. My parents are coming in three hours.”

“Isn't there any other way?” Phil grumbled, in a bad mood.

“Not really,” Danny replied with a smirk. ”Let's go, then.”

Less than ten minutes later, the two boys entered a shop in the center of Puerto Moniz.

“I made sure that the shop wasn't the most expensive one,” whispered Danny as he entered the store. ”I know you're just a poor student.”

A nudge gave him his revenge.

“Oh God.” Danny groaned. Phil had no eye for beauty. ‘This is awful. It's time for lesson one. Dressing right. Wait a minute...’ Danny disappeared for just a moment and returned with a saleswoman and a mountain of clothes. ”It's time you brought some color into your life. And your body.” He lightly tapped on Phil's belly. ‘You don't have to hide that either.”

The saleswoman pushed the first put-together outfit into his hand.

“But...’ stammered Phillip, undecided. Danny soon realized that this action was borderline.

“This is guaranteed to suit you better,“ the saleswoman, a younger woman with long brown hair and a nice figure, encouraged him, ‘than the gray, black and blue. Take a risk.”

’Why not,” it flashed through his mind. But...

“Wow.“ Danny was lost for words at Phillip's outfit. ‘Where was the beautiful swan hidden?’ he smirked.

“Very funny.” Again, Phil nudged Danny in the side. But with this transformation, a piece of his self-esteem had returned. Lesson one was a complete success.

“And now off we go,” Danny said, and the two of them drove back to the apartment. ”My parents will be home soon.”

Ding-dong-ding...

Now it was time. Phillip's heart was beating up to his throat. It was one to change optically or to meet people you didn't know.

“Hello Mom, Dad, nice to have you here.” Yep... Phil had to admit that Danny looked hot in his black dragon-print shirt and black jeans, but somehow he was starting to feel like he was a project for Danny and not a friend.

“Mom, Dad, this is Phillip, a friend,” he introduced us to each other. Both greeted him cheerfully, politely reserved, before going to dinner.

Anger was building up. Phil was already at 180 degrees inside, but not because of Danny's parents. They were really super nice and included him in their conversations. They were exactly how Phil had always wanted his father to be.

No... this was about Danny. The suspicion that he was just a project for him seemed to be confirmed. At least according to the statements made.

After dessert, Phillip couldn't take it anymore. He grabbed his glass of wine and rushed past Danny's completely bewildered parents with a murmured “Excuse me” into the garden.

“What's going on?“ Danny, who had just come out of the kitchen, stood rooted to the spot.

“I'll get it,” she replied, looking sweetly at her son.

“That wasn't your best performance, son,“ his father replied calmly, sipping his wine.

“Huh?” Danny was really at a loss. And while his dad took his son into prayer, his mom rushed

mom rushed over to Phil in the garden.

“I'm so sorry, Phil. Danny has a habit of talking before he thinks. May I sit down?“ She pointed to the free lounger.

“Please,” Phil offered her the lounger. Mrs. Rodrigue sat down. It turned into a long, good conversation.

“And now that my son has not yet managed to really bring the scenes to you, I'll do it tonight, then he can no longer abuse them as a project. Are you coming?” Mrs. Rodrigue held out her hand to Phillip. He took it and the two disappeared in a cloak-and-dagger operation.

“Thank you for showing me everything.“ That night, Phil got to know the real gay life when Maria (Ms. Rodrigue) dropped him off at Danny's apartment at half past six in the morning.

“My pleasure. I'll say it again: the project is finished. And...” She took Phil's hands. “Being gay doesn't mean being sick, okay?”

“Yes.” Phil smiled. “I know that now.”

“And now, let's get to work.” Maria winked encouragingly at Phillip as he got out of the car.

Phil tiptoed across the terrace to Danny's apartment. Since the balcony door was always open, it wasn't a problem. He had a plan.

“Morning.“ Danny's dad smiled. He was already dressed and sitting in the spacious kitchen-diner, enjoying his coffee. ‘If you want.’ He pointed to the pot.

“First a shower, then maybe.” Francesco nodded. “Maria, um... your wife is home right now.”

“Good. I'll be on my way then too. I'm sure I'll see you soon.”

“I think so,“ Phil replied. His self-confidence had been at rock bottom before his trip here, but this night had changed a lot.

Around ten, Danny appeared on the scene. Phil had already made himself comfortable in the garden. He had a plan, a secret plan...

“Morning. So you're back again.” Sounded somehow reproachful. Anyway...

“Morning. As you can see?” Phillip shot back. ‘And now?’ He fixed Danny with his eyes. ”Your project has failed. Sorry. I've changed since last night and I'm going back to Germany tonight a changed man. I am very grateful to your mother for showing me what it means to be gay.”

Danny stood there thunderstruck. He was lost for words.

“You're leaving tonight?“ he found his voice again.

“Yes, my plane leaves at nine,” Phil replied calmly.

“But why? Because of last night?“ Phil shook his head.

“No.” He rose from the lounger. “I doubt that we will ever get together. Look at us, you're an Adonis and I... even though I have my self-confidence back, I'm still the same inside: the trembling, shivering little boy who wrote that message in a bottle back then. Sorry.”

He gave Danny an affectionate kiss on the cheek and then went to pack. There was no turning back.

Dear passengers, we will be landing in Hannover shortly. We ask that you...

Yes, he was back home again after only five days. Okay, this trip hadn't brought him the great love, but it had brought him an important realization thanks to Maria. I'm gay, but I'm not sick.

Maike was not badly surprised when she saw Phillip in front of her. So changed.

“Awesome,” she said, completely flabbergasted. ‘Is it really you?”

“Physically, yes,’ Phil replied with a broad smile. ‘Mentally, no longer.”

“So,’ Maike teased. ”What was Danny like?”

“Hot,” Phil mused briefly and handed his roommate a photo of him. ‘But not my type.”

“But how can he not be your type!?’ Maike almost screamed the whole hall down after Danny's inspection, while Phil calmly walked towards the parking lot. That would cost him a lot of explaining.

A new clique, the scene and his steadily growing self-confidence had finally turned the inwardly trembling and shivering boy into a man. He had even managed to face his past, that is, his father. He had also had his first sexual successes, but never anything really serious. He had no contact with Danny anymore, but he was still in touch with Maria. They talked on the phone for two hours once a month.

Then came that day just before Christmas...

Riiiiiinnnnnnggggg. ... Yes, hold on...

“Hey Flip, post for you.“ Maike had become his best friend in the meantime.

“Coming.” Phil rose from his desk and went to the apartment door, where a small, plump postwoman greeted him with a package.

“Please sign.“ Flip (his new nickname) scribbled on one of those electronic things and in return received his package.

“Okay,” Maike asked excitedly. “Are you getting Christmas presents early?”

“From whom?” Flip teased as he impatiently opened the package.

A message in a bottle! Flip could hardly believe his eyes.

“Oh, how romantic!” Maike was immediately smitten. Flip took the contents of the bottle... ‘A letter,”

she remarked.

“How perceptive, Ms. Fletcher,’ Flip quipped as he unfolded the sheet.

That was all that was on the piece of paper. Flip understood immediately, unlike Maike. He would definitely be there.

New Year's Eve. At five to twelve, Phillip arrived at the “New Cathedral” monastery. He felt strange. He was inwardly agitated, yet he felt an inner peace and sensed the warmth around him.

Bing Bing Bing... the bells of the new cathedral struck twelve, and he felt two warm, soft hands gently caress his hips.

He knew these hands. He knew this man too. And although he had tried to distract himself from him in the last few months, he had never really succeeded.

“Hi,“ he breathed into the silence.

“Hi,” a whisper sounded at his ear.

“And are we starting a new project?” His eyes flashed mischievously into those of his counterpart. The latter shook his head in the negative.

“Never a project again, I promise.” Danny smiled at him. ‘You,’ he plunged deep into Phil's soul, ‘I love you.”

“I love you, too, you idiot,’ replied Phillip, and shortly thereafter their mouths met. They would never let go of each other again.

The End