All the gay dudes in Gay-ville liked to have sex a lot.

Their un-neighborly neighbor, the Grinch, he did not

Approve, so when the gays stood up for their right

To marry, the homophobe Grinch felt uptight.

He reasoned that marriage had no other use

Than to let normal folks legally reproduce,

And since homosexuals simply can not

Make babies, equality’s just so much rot!



The Grinch hated faggots, hated every last one!
Please don’t ask the reason, because there is none.
It could be the bigot was out of his mind

Or somehow a bee had flown up his behind,

But I think the most likely reason of all
May have been that his brain was ten sizes too small.

But whatever the reason, his brain or his ass,
If he had his way, it would not come to pass.



He lay on his sofa, detesting all gays,

Their unnatural acts and their disgusting ways,

His sour face distorted in a mean Grinchy frown

At the thought of those perverts who lived in his town,

And his dirty mind dwelt on the things that we do,

On the cocks that we suck and the assholes we screw.

“It’s that damn gay agenda!” he snarled with a sneer.

“They’d make every last God-fearing Christian a queer!”



He knew in his heart where our country was heading

If we ever allowed even one same-sex wedding:

Our family values would soon hit rock bottom

And the Lord would destroy us as He destroyed Sodom.

He could picture the scene, for he’d seen their parade

Just that year at Gay Pride, and it made him afraid.

The moral majority would be the losers

For all public toilets would fill up with cruisers

Who’d stand at their glory-holes, whip out their tools,

Get down on their knees and break God’s sacred rules.

To hustle the gay bars they’d dress up in leather,

Or they’d wear women’s clothes; then they’d go home together

And in bedrooms, the scene of unbridled upheaval,

They’d profane their bodies, God’s Temple, with EVIL!

They’d reach for their dildos and other sex toys,

And the night would resound with their sexual noise.

How he hated their panting, their sighs and their moans,

Obscenities whispered, immoderate groans!

“They just suck and they suck and they

SUCK! SUCK!! SUCK!!! SUCK!!!!

And they fuck and they fuck and they

FUCK! FUCK!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!!!

They unzip their flies and they wield their gay blades

To infect one another with herpes and AIDS!!!

They take in their mouths DICKS! NIPPLES! and NUTS!,

And what indecent uses they make of their butts!!!

They fill up their rectums with male genitalia

And rubber and silicone paraphernalia!

They spread their legs wide, and their anuses gape

For rimming and fingering, SODOMY!!! RAPE!!!”

He knew what happened next: the thing he most abhorred,

An ABOMINATION that angers the Lord!

Their bodies would twitch and their muscles would spasm

And their sinful souls drown in a mighty ORGASM,

And their hard-ons release gushing fountains of semen

And they’d holler like madmen POSSESSED BY A DEMON!
The mere thought of their members pulsating and cumming

Set the Grinch’s long fingers to nervously drumming;

His head spun like a top to imagine those huge,

Swollen penises spurting thick ropes of white spooge.



“This gay marriage thing must be stopped in its tracks

Before we’re engulfed in unnatural acts!”

The Grinch fumed. “They won’t stop there. You better believe

That they’ve other atrocities tucked up their sleeve.

Unless same-sex marriages are quickly stopped

Those warped sex-crazed perverts are going to adopt,

And thousands of innocent lassies and laddies

Will end up with two mommies or else with two daddies.

We have to so SOMETHING!!! We have to act NOW!!!

For the sake of our children… The question is: HOW???

I would, if I could, bring back the Inquisition,

But I can’t, so instead I will launch a petition

To have marriage defined as a permanent union

Between just ONE MAN and no more than ONE WOMAN.

Let our Congressmen know that the voters demand

They make hetero sex the sole Law of the Land,

And we’ll get the U.S. Constitution amended

To outlaw gay marriage. Now, THAT ought to end it!”



His petition in hand, the Grinch came to the door

Of a house that looked peaceful and happy and more

Than simply well cared-for. The Grinch gave a knock,

And in less than a minute someone undid the lock.

A little boy answered and said, “Howdy-do!

Sir, how can I help you? My name’s Sonny-Lou.”

“Now, what a polite and well-brought-up young fellow!

People call me the Grinch. A good day to you! Hello!

Is either your mommy or daddy at home?”

“I don’t have a mom, but I’m never alone.

I have one dad who cares for me and one who works,

’Cause the day care here’s run by closed-minded berserks

Who’ll have nothing to do with me in any way

Because my two daddies are proud that they’re gay,

So I’ve no friends to play with before afternoon

When the day-care day ends, which will be pretty soon.

Then my friends will come over. We’ll have lots of fun.

We’ll play games and we’ll sing and we’ll jump and we’ll run.

People sure can be stupid! But those are the facts.

Now, before I call Dad, may I pet your dog Max?”

“Poor, benighted, young child! Pet my doggie? You may.

As for your daddy, skip it! I’ll be on my way.”

Then he combed the whole neighborhood trying to find

Other Grinches like him who were of the same mind.



It turned out he was right. When our brave politicians

Were forced into a corner to state their positions,

They hawed and they hemmed, and they hemmed and they hawed

Lest they should lose more votes than they could afford.

So they pretty much leave all us gays in the lurch,

Except those who say, “Leave it up to the Church!”

Some tell us that the privileges assured

To all married couples would best be secured

If we tackle the problems that face us piecemeal;

Then our second-class status will vanish. GET REAL!!!

In the same breath they turn round and promise our foes

That they sympathize with their outrage and woes,

But that an amendment is hard to push through,

And so they’ve a plan. Here’s what they should do:

“Forbid same-sex marriage in state after state

And stop the race dead in its tracks at the gate.

Once their sicko demands are defeated by ballot

The Supreme Court is sure to uphold it as valid.”



I’m sure of the outcome. They’ll get what they want

In every last gay-bashing state but Vermont.

From Maine to Hawaii, from Alaska to Texas,

They’ll limit all weddings to opposite sexes

And to us and our lovers forever deny

Equal recognition… but, in God’s name, WHY???

Just whom are we hurting? What harm have we done

Keeping to ourselves for our sexual fun?

The love that we feel for each other is worth

No less than that of other couples on earth,

And let me point out that a childless family

Is anything but a freakish anomaly.

Barren couples may also become grooms and brides.

Matrimony serves many more functions besides

Producing and raising a new generation

Of young men and women to people our nation,

And while their well-being’s of state-wide concern,

When two live together and pool what they earn

It’s a safeguard that ensures our social stability.

If a man and a woman can have the ability

To act as a unit and be looked on as such,

Two men or two women deserve just as much.

Same-sex couples have proven that we can be trusted

To rear kids who’re productive and quite well-adjusted.

That both provide ova or sperm is irrelevant,

Like a fish on a bike, like ice skates on an elephant!

Yet in our free country with ruthless persistence

Inequities burden our daily existence.

Doesn’t our ten percent of the vast population

Of our country contribute its share to the nation?

It’s high time that all our outspoken detractors

Understand that we’re doctors and lawyers and actors

And teachers and journalists and civil servants

And clergymen of every cult and observance

And elected officials and soldiers and sailors

And accountants and bankers and brokers and tailors

And merchants and farmers and workers and bosses

And craftsmen and teamsters and breeders of horses

And artists and authors and athletes and cooks

And yes, I’ll admit it, some of us are crooks…

But you straights have your fair share of criminals too,

Which all goes to show we’re no different from you.

We come in every shape, size, color, religion,

Ethnicity, class, political position;

We’ve the same ambitions and needs and desires,

And every gay, lesbian and bi aspires

To the very same rights that you straights take for granted.

Can I put it more plainly, be any more candid?

If we make up one household, by rights we should merit

To be taxed as a couple and also inherit,

And for our insurance to pay the expenses

For the care our doc gives and the drugs he dispenses,

To speak for our partners when they have no voice

And, when it comes down to it, to make the choice

To keep them alive or let them end their days,

And have custody of the children we raise,

And not be constrained by the prejudice of

Some “moral majority” to hide our love.

Not a thing on the list that I gave qualifies

To be called “special treatment”. Hey, open your eyes!

So what if our orientation offends

Certain folk? We’re your children, your colleagues, your friends!



If you Grinches imagine you’ll somehow arrange

By a ban on gay marriage to get us to change

Or stay in the closet and cower in shame,

If you think we’ll buy into the degrading name

You lay on your gay brothers, if you think you have won

The last battle and have all us queers on the run,

Wake up! See the light! We’re not crying “BOO-HOO!”

The strength of our love will win out over you.

How dare you suppose that by laws, guns or fists

You’ll end man-to-man loving? IT IS! IT EXISTS!

It can live without marriages, honeymoons, rings,

Altars, licenses, presents, and meaningless things

Like announcements, tuxedos, receptions and cake.

You can bless it or curse it, but you’ll never make

It just disappear, because our affections

Weren’t made to obey some smug bigot’s directions.

We’re all sexual beings, but I call your attention

To the fact that our love transcends that one dimension.

So open your minds up and take off your blinders,

For wherever you look, take my word, you will find us!