Liberation

Foreword
One of the details that I changed while revising the story is the age of Paul and the other characters. In "We're the Pet Shop Boys," Paul was still 18 and in the 13th grade of a FOS, while in "Liberation," I lowered his age to 17, so he is now in the 12th grade. At the time, I had chosen 13th grade and 18 as his age because I was 18 during the creation of the story and was also in the 13th grade then. Since many of the characters, especially Paul himself, were based on my real life, it made the most sense to me at the time. Although I was still 17 at the time of my inner coming out, everything else fit chronologically. The reason I changed the age now is that upon closer consideration, I found it somewhat unusual for Paul to have his inner coming out only at 18. No question, such cases exist – for many gay individuals, 18 might even be quite early – but somehow 17 felt more realistic for this story after long reflection. While this makes the story feel less personal for me, I think it will seem a bit more logical to most other readers.
All of this is fine and good, but some readers might wonder what the point of this story is after reading it. It is essentially a classic and sometimes somewhat predictable coming-out story with a lot of clichés, similar to countless others already present on this site. But perhaps it will entertain some or at least distract from all the negativity out there for a short time – if that were the case, I would actually be satisfied. And besides – just because something exists in a similar form many times does not mean it has to be bad; on the contrary. Personally, I enjoy reading every coming-out story anew, no matter how many similar ones I have read before, and I never have anything against a good love story. It seems that many other readers feel the same way, as otherwise, stories of this kind would hardly be so frequent, right? So why not publish or read another one? This story may not be artistically valuable or innovative, but I still hope that some readers will find joy in it.
Back to the topic of logic briefly: I don’t want to give away any content here, but some will surely wonder how realistic it is that all of this happens in such a short time. Admittedly, it is extremely unlikely, and I am aware of that (and sometimes I had to roll my eyes a bit while proofreading, I admit it). On the other hand, the two alternatives would have been to write the story in such a way that there are always time jumps of several weeks or months between the individual events, which, in my opinion, would have disrupted the flow of reading a bit, or to simply omit individual plot elements completely, which would have been more realistic but, honestly, also more boring. Therefore, it is now in this form – not everything has to be close to reality; sometimes fantasy is simply much more beautiful.
Finally, a brief note about the Pet Shop Boys quotes in this story. I originally included them in the original story because, first, I wanted to (to be honest, I originally started writing the story just to incorporate the quotes somewhere) and, second, they were and are in a way the "soundtrack of my life," however strange that may sound.
While revising the original story into "Liberation," I thought long about whether to remove the song lyrics or keep them – in the end, I obviously decided to keep them. I know that most readers may not find much meaning in them, but somehow I still found the idea beautiful, and in a way, these quotes are also the unique feature of the story. So here’s my tip: If someone doesn’t see any sense in the song lyrics, they should just skip them; the story works just as well without them.
By the way, I only realized afterward that the idea of using song lyrics in stories is not new and has been practiced here on Nickstorys.de very often. Back when I was writing the original version, I thought I was incredibly revolutionary... null
Since there is hardly a feeling or life situation about which the Pet Shop Boys have not written a song, it was not so difficult to find the appropriate quotes for each part of the story. Nevertheless, some PSB nerds might notice that some of the lyrics come from songs that actually deal with a completely different situation than what is described in the story. A prime example is perhaps the song "To face the truth," which is actually quite clearly about the end of a relationship. Still, I incorporated it after the coming-out scene in this story, as the two lines "It hurts too much to face the truth / To face the truth" fit very well in my opinion. Furthermore, I often focused more on the overall mood of a song rather than ensuring that the content matched the story exactly. Most readers probably won't care anyway, but I wanted to mention it just to be safe.
So, that was enough preliminary remarks for now, which I believe were necessary to explain the context of the story a bit. There isn't much more to say for now, except of course, enjoy reading!
Chapter 1
"The night is a time to explore who you are
Are you what you want to be?
Could you really be a star?
Sometimes you want something you never had
In the middle of the night, you can let yourself go slightly mad"
The ringing of the alarm clock jolted me roughly out of sleep. Who doesn't know that feeling? One moment you're deep in the most beautiful dreams, and the next moment reality catches up with you – and out of bed you go, unfortunately. It's not easy being a student.
The dream I was pulled out of today was somehow different. As far as I could remember, it was nice, but primarily strange. I had been cuddling with someone, but who? Was I mistaken, or was it one of my friends? No, definitely not, that couldn't be.
After I silenced the alarm clock with a well-aimed hit (serves it right) for the next twenty-four hours, I got up and, still a bit dazed, went to the bathroom to prepare for another school day. I had already forgotten the mentioned dream and instead went through the expected events of the day in my mind.
By the way, my name is Paul. I am 17 years old, have short dark blonde hair, and I am in the 12th grade of a vocational school (FOS). The latter was also the reason why I had to get up so early. After breakfast, I first went to the train station and then took the S-Bahn, which was only two minutes late today, to school, which was located quite centrally in Munich. Since we lived in a small suburb, this meant I had to spend quite a bit of time on the train every day, but this problem could easily be solved with a good book. Or alternatively with school materials, if I had been too lazy to study the day before, but that never happened. After all, I was also too lazy to do that on the S-Bahn...
I really couldn't concentrate on reading today, so I somewhat dreamily observed the various commuters who shared the terrible fate of having to take an S-Bahn at just after seven in the morning. A bit further away, someone was on the phone in a language completely foreign to me, which apparently prompted the man to speak a little louder, since no one would understand him anyway. The woman sitting across from me had a small notebook open in front of her and was quickly sketching all kinds of people sitting with her on the train. And the boy back there, who had just boarded, actually looked quite nice… Stop! No, certainly not. But the girl one door over was quite nice. Much more attractive! Or?
"But every now and then, often at night
a particular feeling would surface in spite
of what I’d told myself and tried to deny
I kept on asking the question: why?"
Upon arriving at school, my mood was quite mixed. On one hand, I was subconsciously still a bit confused about my feelings, even though I was convincing myself that they didn't exist. Besides, I was still tired, and the thought of the upcoming classes didn't make me any happier. However, I was looking forward to seeing my friends and classmates.
"Morning," I greeted Felix, with whom I had been in the same class for six years now and who had become one of my best friends during that time. We had met in secondary school and then went to FOS together. He responded with a still somewhat sleepy "Hi," but soon engaged me in a conversation about which of our subjects today was the most unnecessary – we agreed on religion – which ended in a small competition about who was least interested in all of it today. This was eventually interrupted by our economics teacher, who came in and tried to teach us all about the use of results. With varying success.
I really couldn't concentrate on the class because I was too distracted by Simon, who was sitting diagonally in front of me. I had been in the same class with him since we came to FOS two years ago, and we had become quite good friends, although I didn't know him as well as other long-time friends. Anyway, he looked quite good sitting there – he was of average height and build for our age, maybe even a bit slender, his light brown to dark blonde hair was cut into a perfectly styled haircut from all sides, and the clothes he wore just looked perfect on him, even though they were just ordinary jeans and sweaters. Occasionally, he would turn around and smile at me when our eyes met, which triggered a strangely warm feeling in me every time.
"Paul?" Mr. Bergmüller's voice interrupted my daydreams.
"Hm?"
"Could you perhaps answer my question? How do we find out the annual surplus after calculating the balance profit?"
"Um… Sorry, I was just a bit distracted…," I replied somewhat embarrassed.
"I noticed, yes. Next time, please pay better attention, okay?"
If it were only that easy. It was only after I had subconsciously admired Simon for a while that I suddenly became aware of what I was doing. And it shocked me. How could this be, I thought. He is a boy. I am not gay. And I don’t want to be. I tried for a while to find arguments for why I had to be into girls, and when I was somewhat convinced, I decided to distract myself by actually paying attention in class. Simon continued to throw me occasional glances, but I ignored him and stared blankly past him at the board.
The rest of the day passed by without me really noticing much of it. During breaks, Felix, Simon, Lukas, whom I also knew since the beginning of FOS, and I talked about all sorts of things, but I wasn’t really present, which Felix noticed as well. After class, he brought it up on the way home:
“Hey, what’s going on with you today? You seem so distant…”
“Oh nothing, just didn’t sleep well,” I tried to brush it off. It sounded only somewhat convincing, but at least we changed the subject and made some silly jokes about various teachers instead of talking about deeper things.
“I’m building a wall, a fine wall
Not so much to keep you out
more to keep me in”

Chapter 2
“See boy strange on the horizon of love
he’s calling to you
What do you say?
See boy strange as an example of youth
so close to the truth
but still far away
And he’s such a strange boy
will he make a good exchange for
the one before the closed door
that you left behind?”
Once home, I first set about tackling the mountain of homework for the day – although I was somewhat unfocused while doing so. When the obligations for that day were finally done, I sat down on my bed and thought about a part of my life that I had been suppressing until now.
When I had just turned 16, my little sister Marie had asked me when I would finally come out as gay since I seemed to fit every sign of it. Just for fun. And it really shouldn’t have bothered me; after all, I wasn’t. Sure, I had never had a girlfriend, but that was probably more due to my shyness. But what else?
The problem was that since that day, I had been haunted by a certain fear of actually being gay. For all those years, I had always denied it, looked for arguments for why I couldn’t be, and tried to appear as hetero as possible to others. Not that they would start thinking anything about me.
I could probably deceive everyone very well, but the doubts remained with me, growing stronger day by day, my counterarguments becoming weaker. How could this be? I didn’t want this! Why me?
Until two or three weeks ago, I was still sure that this could only be a phase, that it was normal and would pass. My very last shield behind which I could hide for a while longer. But in hindsight, I also realized that this couldn’t go on. Sooner or later, I had to face the truth, no matter how uncomfortable it seemed. Sure, I could have kept going like this, and probably no one but myself would have ever had doubts about my sexuality, but then what? Get married, have kids, grow old – always plagued by self-doubt and never really happy?
I had started to at least engage with the topic of homosexuality. Not that it would affect me, I had told myself at first, just to inform myself. For two years, I had repressed everything that even remotely related to the topic – people, movies, even the Pet Shop Boys, my absolute favorite band, I had only listened to with a guilty conscience.
By now, I had at least reached a point where my fear of the topic had somewhat diminished. I was still sure that I was into girls, even though everything was so obvious. I just couldn’t admit it to myself.
Until today. The looks from Simon, my strange feeling about it – all of that had awakened something in me, and after all these years, I was on the verge of finally opening a door that I had wanted to keep panically shut.
“Guess there’s no place to hide, when you’re screaming inside
There’s no place to hide, when you’re screaming inside”
I took my phone, opened an anonymous internet browser just in case, and typed with trembling fingers the words “gay coming out” into the search bar. It was the first time I had explicitly searched for this topic, and also the first time I admitted to myself that it could affect me.
The DBNA website was displayed, which I had heard of before – but until then, I had never dared to click on it. This time, I did. I read one article after another on the topic of “internal coming out” and “how do I know if I’m gay,” and I noticed with a certain relief that what I had hidden from all these years and what I simply didn’t want to acknowledge was indeed true. I was gay. Not what I wanted. But well, it couldn’t be changed. And now? Now it was over, no more internal hiding from myself. Still slightly trembling, I put my phone down and fell onto my bed, feeling strangely liberated.
“Then we went on, after hours, there was a place down below
It was there I realised the meaning of the show
You’ve got to love, to learn to live, where angels fear to tread
You need to cast off any guilt or shame
When thunder roars and lightning scores, you’ll still be glad you’d came
Are you gonna go to the Sodom and Gomorrah show?
It’s got everything you need for your complete entertainment and instruction
Sun, sex, sin, divine intervention, death and destruction
The Sodom and Gomorrah show is a once-in-a-lifetime production”
In the evening, I was strangely cheerful and somehow relieved. What I had been most afraid of for the last two years had come true. Actually not good. But objectively speaking, it wasn’t as bad as I had feared. Yes, I would have to say goodbye to many ideal notions and life goals, and it certainly wouldn’t always be easy. But otherwise? Otherwise, I could live my life the way I obviously wanted, even if it had taken me some time to figure that out.
I couldn’t fall asleep for a long time, so I lay awake in my bed and thought for the second time that day about my life, this time much more positively than in the afternoon. When I finally fell asleep, I was surprisingly happy.

Chapter 3
“Ask me why, I’ll say it’s most unusual
How can I even try to explain why today I feel like dancing
singing like lovers sing, when I wouldn’t normally do this kind of thing?
I wouldn’t normally do this kind of thing”
Once again, the ringing of the alarm clock jolted me awake. My first thought was: Already? My second: I don’t want to. My third: I’m gay. And then all the memories of the previous day slowly came back.
As I was on my way to the train station, nearly freezing – in moments like these, I hated winter – it somehow felt as if people could see what was going on inside me. As if I had changed overnight, as if they were all curiously scrutinizing me. The thought of being gay suddenly felt extremely strange, and although I was still the same person as yesterday, everything felt different.
Upon arriving at school, Felix gave me the latest news about the party that was supposed to take place at his place this Friday. Not only some people from our current class would come, but especially our friend group from middle school. I was really looking forward to seeing certain people again.
“By the way, Lena is coming too,” Felix mentioned and winked at me meaningfully.
“Uh-huh. Great,” I replied less than enthusiastically. I liked Lena; she was a good friend. For a while, I thought I had a crush on her, but I soon realized that wasn’t the case. That, however, didn’t seem to stop everyone else from wanting to set us up. That Lena herself wouldn’t have been opposed to it was somewhat of an open secret.
“Come on, Paul, I know you like her. And she likes you. You’d be perfect together,” Felix said, unwilling to let go of this topic.
“Not so loud,” I murmured more to myself and looked a bit embarrassed around the classroom to see if anyone had noticed. Of course, Simon and Lukas both had grins on their faces.
“Are you not going to introduce her to us on Friday, Paul?” Simon teased me. “I’d really like to meet her.”
"Yeah, let's see." I replied shortly and for the first time in my life, I was glad that our math teacher, Mr. Krämer, just walked in. "Sorry," Felix whispered to me, who had obviously noticed that I felt a bit uncomfortable with the topic, and then the class began.
Even today, I could only half-follow the lesson, and once again, Simon was the reason for it. Since I had now admitted to myself that I was probably gay, I could think about such things without too much guilt. Was I mistaken, or did he look even better today than yesterday? Occasionally, he turned back to me, and while I was shocked yesterday that I was even thinking about him, today I wondered why he did that. Well, he was probably just being nice; it's not unusual to smile at a friend. But didn't he realize what he was doing to me? He looked so sweet when he beamed at me. And every time he turned around, I would have loved to take him in my arms and cuddle up to him.
But I should rather not have such thoughts, because he was probably just as straight as everyone else, and if he ever found out, I could easily imagine that he wouldn't be too thrilled about it. Maybe I should just try to find a boyfriend, I thought, because then I wouldn't have to constantly crush on people I had no chance with, who wouldn't be okay with it either.
"It’s mad, to be in love with someone else
When you’re in love with he, she’s in love with me
but you know as well as I do
I can never think of anyone but you, all my life
Play with fire, play with guns
it’s easy to impress someone
Turning in my sleep, you called me a fool
To fall in love, is it so uncool?
Now I want to wake up
How I want to wake up"
The rest of the week passed surprisingly quickly. In my free time, I continued to inform myself about homosexuality, coming out, and everything related to it. The fears I had until then gradually diminished, and I was able to come to terms with being gay more and more each day. I often wondered why it had taken me so long to accept it, as I had often felt bad about it before and was plagued by self-doubt. But it wasn't so bad now. So why the fear?
Outwardly, I initially felt strange, as if I were suddenly someone else and everyone would notice, but I quickly realized that wasn't the case. On the contrary, no one seemed to have noticed anything, neither in my family nor among my friends. This helped me to become a bit more relaxed and I gradually managed to forget about the topic and return to a certain normality.
Overall, everything was going quite well. Until Friday.
Chapter 4
"I’d rather die than satisfy their curiosity
I’m kind of shy and dry and verging on ugly
They wonder what that I have got that they have not
They’ll never understand that none of that matters
Every boy and man feeling lonely
can’t understand why you’d be with me
Furthermore, we laugh and we draw
more attention every day so they say
Bet she’s not your girlfriend
Oh no, you couldn’t make her happy”
It was Friday, school was over, and I was full of anticipation for the party tonight at Felix's. I briefly considered what a gay person should wear and ended up with what I always wore. It would be even worse otherwise. After that, I spent a few minutes in front of the mirror – not that I was particularly meticulous, but my appearance did matter to me to some extent – and when I deemed the result acceptable, I quickly packed my things, said goodbye to my mother, and set off.
When I arrived at Felix's, things were already happening, so I mingled with the attendees after grabbing a suitable drink in the kitchen. Laura, Maja, Emma, Hannah, and Julian, whom I knew from my old class in secondary school, were already there. And Lena. I was somewhat afraid of encountering her, but I smiled at her as I entered the room. Only Simon and Lukas were missing, who lived a bit further away and always took a little longer.
“And Paul, how’s it going? Long time no see!” Julian greeted me, with whom Felix and I had laughed a lot in secondary school. It was nice to see him again after we had unfortunately had little to do with each other following our school transfer and the start of his training.
“Everything’s great, and you?” I replied.
“Yeah, things are going pretty well. What’s new with you guys?”
“Oh, nothing really.” A small part of me would have liked to answer that I was gay by now; on one hand, I wanted people to know and to deal with it openly. Thankfully, the part that preferred to handle it more cautiously and keep it secret for now maintained control.
After Julian moved on and I had briefly lost myself in thought, Lena suddenly stood next to me.
“Hi,” she said and smiled at me.
With Lena, as I said, it was a bit complicated. I liked her a lot – as a friend. And there was a time when I saw more than just a friend in her. Since I enjoyed being with her so much, I thought for a while that I was in love with her, but I quickly realized that wasn’t the case. Now I know that I was probably just looking for a girlfriend to prove to myself that I was into girls. So it was good that nothing more had happened between us back then, as she didn’t deserve to be "used" by me for such purposes.
The thing was that it was a kind of open secret that Lena had indeed had feelings for me for a while – hence Felix's comment the other day at school. In the eyes of our friends, we were probably seen as the perfect couple that just needed to find each other – at least that was the impression I sometimes had. As I said, I had sensed at some point that it wouldn’t be a good idea for us, and that had now been confirmed, but unfortunately, she didn’t know anything about it. And I couldn’t tell her that she should look for someone who deserved her, since, first, I officially didn’t know that she had feelings for me, second, I didn’t want to hurt her, and third, I would have had to explain why it couldn’t work. And for the last point, the question of why, I had only gotten the answer myself a few days ago, namely, that I was gay.
“Hey. How are you?” I replied, smiling back a bit uncertainly.
“Pretty okay so far. How’s it going with you?”
“It’s alright. Everything’s good.”
At that moment, Simon and Lukas came into the room, having just arrived. My gaze immediately fell on Simon, who looked stunning as always. However, his expression seemed a bit clouded for a moment as he looked in my and Lena's direction, then he put on a smile that unfortunately wasn’t as endearing as usual and came over to us.
“Hey, hey! You must be Lena, right? I’ve heard a lot about you!” he greeted us both. Lukas stood a step behind him and grinned at me. I was a bit confused for a moment about what to do and therefore let Lena do the talking.
“That’s right. And you are…?”
“Simon. Paul and I know each other from the FOS.”
“Oh yes, he and Felix have told me about you. You must be Lukas?” she asked, nodding in his direction.
“Exactly,” Lukas replied.
“And what have you heard about me, Simon?” Lena asked now. “Only good things, I hope!”
"Sure, of course. But nothing specific otherwise..." Simon replied somewhat hesitantly and threw me a quick glance that I couldn't quite interpret. Questioning, perhaps a bit dejected, uncertain. Then he smiled again as if nothing had happened, saying he didn't want to disturb us further and said goodbye in the direction of Felix and Julian, who were currently engaged in a lively discussion with Emma and Maja about something. The music, apparently. As if there was still much to discuss, when it was clear that each of them had no taste in music in their own way, right?
"Paul? What's wrong?" Lena suddenly asked.
"Hm?"
"You seem so absent and have been staring at the two of them the whole time. Is everything really okay with you?"
"Oh, yes, everything's fine, just a bit distracted..." I replied, slightly embarrassed. Was it really that obvious that I was looking at Simon longer than usual?
"Distracted, huh," Lena grinned now. "And that, even though you're talking to me? What a thing..."
"Well, hehe, it's just that there's a lot going on at school right now, you know? So I guess I can be a bit unfocused sometimes..." I tried to explain somehow while secretly wondering how I had managed to get myself into such an unnecessarily awkward situation again for no real reason.
"Sure, everything's fine, it's okay. I think there's food now, right?" Lena said, thankfully not wanting to press further.
In fact, the pizzas that Felix had ordered for us had just been delivered, so we all sat down together at the table and ate. Although Lena and I were sitting next to each other, since we weren't alone anymore, we joked more with the others and talked about all sorts of things. After that, we played various games, which I mostly lost (but as the saying goes, bad luck in games, good luck in love), before someone had the idea to turn the music up even louder, after which we all gradually started dancing and goofing around. It was sometimes hard to distinguish between the two with us anyway. And even though I had absolutely no sense of rhythm in such situations, I still had fun, even me. Until the moment when Lena slowly came closer to me and almost touched me while dancing. She was definitely not being pushy, but rather cautious, yet still clearly so. Maybe she had had one too many drinks after all? No, definitely not; she wasn't too keen on that.
In hindsight, I don't know why I did what I did. It was quite hasty and thoughtless, but on the other hand, it felt like the only option. In any case, I thought to myself at that moment that this couldn't continue between us. She deserved someone who could really love her, unlike me, and besides, I felt that our friendship would ultimately suffer if I already had an uncomfortable feeling about being with her sometimes. So I gathered all my courage, smiled at her somewhat uncertainly, and said, "Hey, can we maybe talk outside for a moment?"
"Sure, anytime." She looked briefly pleased, then seemed to notice from my expression that something was wrong.
We made our way out of the room towards the front door, and I felt like we were being thrown a few curious glances here and there. I started to tremble a bit and felt hot. Was this really a good idea? I could still just back out. No, it had to be done, I encouraged myself.
Once outside, we walked a few steps down the street; I didn't want anyone to overhear us in the end. Lena looked at me questioningly from the side but followed me without objection.
"What's wrong?" she finally asked when I still hadn't said a word. I probably seemed totally unfriendly, but it just felt like my throat was constricted.
"Nothing, um, well..." I managed to say, not very cleverly.
"Did I get too close to you in there? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that..."
"Hm, it's fine." I said. I couldn't do this.
"No, obviously not. What's going on with you? Is everything okay?" she continued, and now her voice suddenly sounded empathetic, and I remembered exactly why I valued her so much as a friend.
"So, yes, everything's fine, but... um..."
"Come on, Paul, spit it out. Whatever you want to say, I won't be mad at you for it."
"So, I'm sorry, I've noticed that you might be imagining more between us, but that unfortunately won't work. It just can't..." I stammered, staring past her into the darkness.
"Yeah, I figured that. It's okay. You don't have to say why, but I hope I didn't do anything wrong or hurt you in any way?" she replied somewhat dejectedly but composed.
"No, it's not your fault. It's just... um..."
"Yeah?"
"So... promise me you won't tell anyone, okay?" Oh God, I really couldn't do this. I was scared of her reaction, I was shaking all over, I suddenly felt much hotter again, and I could barely speak straight.
"Of course, Paul. You can trust me, okay?"
"I'm... well, um... I... am gay." Did I really just say that? What had I done? What if she didn't understand, what if she went back inside and told everyone? Why didn't I just leave it alone? Doubts overwhelmed me, and suddenly I was really afraid of what could happen next.
"Oh, okay. That's a bit... unexpected, but not bad!" she said softly, smiling encouragingly at me. I still couldn't believe that this was really happening.
When I didn't respond, still staring past her into the darkness, she stepped closer and put her arm around my shoulder.
"You don't have to be afraid, okay? I have no problem with it, and I won't tell anyone unless you explicitly allow me to, okay?" she said gently. "Admittedly, I didn't expect this and I'm a bit disappointed, as I could have imagined more with you... as you said... but you can't help how I feel. And I'll always stand by you, no matter what happens."
"Thank you," I finally managed to say, even though I still felt unable to speak.
"You're welcome. That's what friends are for, right?" she smiled at me now. I only nodded slowly.
"Should we go back inside, or do you want to calm down a bit first?" It felt strange to be cared for by her like this, but I was just infinitely grateful to her at that moment.
"Just a bit longer. I don't think I can go back in there now..." I murmured quietly, astonished that I could obviously speak again. At the same time, I felt a certain panic about going back inside with the others and pretending nothing had happened. I was relieved, but still extremely unsure, and it felt like everyone could see what had happened if we went back in now.
"Hm, I understand... If you want, we can take a short walk and talk about it...?" Lena asked cautiously.
"I don't think I can talk much right now; I'm still shaking too much when I speak..." I tried to laugh, but it didn't really work. Maybe I should just go home and calm down?
"Okay. Maybe you need a little quiet time first, right?" Lena said exactly what I had just been thinking. "We can go inside quickly, grab your things, you say goodbye to Felix and tell him you're not feeling well... Right?"
"Yes, you're right!" Together we walked back to the house where Felix lived. "And thank you!" I said quietly just before we reached the front door.
Inside, it was extremely hot and loud compared to the cold night air outside. In a trance, I followed Lena back to the others, still unable to fully grasp what had just happened.
"Hey, where have you two been?" Felix greeted us, looking at us curiously.
"Oh, just getting some fresh air; he wasn't feeling well," Lena replied, thankfully for me—I didn't feel like I could speak right now.
"Oh, okay? Is everything alright again, Paul?" Felix asked. He sounded a bit concerned now, his grin fading.
"Yeah, I'm fine again..." I stammered. "But I think I'd rather go home and rest a bit..."
"Hm, that's too bad, but if you think so, that's probably best..."
"Yeah, probably. Thanks again for the invitation; I still had a lot of fun!" I managed to say, and then Lena accompanied me to the hallway, where I quickly packed my backpack and got dressed again.
"Are you leaving already?" I suddenly heard Simon's voice behind me. He stood in the doorway between the living room and the hallway, the party in full swing behind him. I couldn't read his expression.
"Yeah, unfortunately I'm not feeling well. But I'll see you on Monday at school."
"Okay, that's too bad. Have a good trip home and get well soon!"
"Thanks," I stammered, smiled at him a bit awkwardly, and turned to Lena, who said she would take me to the door.
"Bye," I quickly said to Simon; he smiled back at us, said "Bye, see you Monday," turned around, and went back to the others.
Finally outside in the fresh air, I felt a bit better again, and I noticed that I was regaining control over my body and calming down a bit.
"Can you make it home alone, or should I take you?" Lena asked now, still sounding a bit concerned.
"No, it's fine, thanks. Besides, I don't want to ruin your fun completely."
"Okay, as you wish. Maybe you'd like to meet again tomorrow, then you could tell me a bit more?"
"Let's see, if you want..." On one hand, I wanted to talk to her about it now that she knew, but on the other hand, the thought of discussing my being gay, which I had only accepted a few days ago, felt strange.
"Sure. If that's okay with you, of course. But you can really talk to me about anything."
"Thanks. And have fun with the others. See you tomorrow!"
"Good night, Paul. See you tomorrow!" Her gaze was loving, concerned, sad, and joyful all at once, and I would have loved to talk to her about all of it right then. After all, it probably wasn't easy for her either. But that could wait until tomorrow. I smiled gratefully at her, waved goodbye, and made my way home through the cold winter night.
"We all make a mess of our lives from time to time
It’s part of the process that you stumble as you climb
And if you ever feel the pain is far too big a deal
I say with pride I’ll be on your side
You’ve got a home here
Call it what you want, you’ve got a home here
You’re gonna want it when you can’t
face the world and you need some support to succeed
You’ve got a home"
Chapter 5
When I woke up the next morning – it was Saturday, which meant I didn’t have to get up in the middle of the night – I still hadn’t fully realized what had happened in the last few hours. My mother had been a bit surprised that I was home so early again, but she had bought my little white lie that I wasn’t feeling well and needed some rest. After I got ready for bed, I lay awake for a long time, feeling relieved about how my first outing had gone, but at the same time, doubts crept back in about whether it had been the right step or if I should have waited longer. I also worried about what would happen if all the other party guests found out somehow what had happened while I wasn’t there. That thought scared me quite a bit, but I tried to push it aside. Lena would never tell anyone, and no one could have overheard us, I thought, but an uneasy feeling remained. I finally fell asleep late at night.
At breakfast with my family the next morning, I wasn’t very talkative and my mind was on all sorts of other things. The others probably noticed, but fortunately, they didn’t bring it up. Everyone has a bad day sometimes.
After that, I checked my messages on my phone. At the top was one from Lena, asking if and when we wanted to meet today to talk. I suggested we could meet in the evening.
Additionally, Felix and, to my surprise, Simon had messaged me. Both seemed to want to know if I was feeling better. I didn’t open the messages, turned off my phone, packed my backpack, and took the subway to the city to take photos. I just needed to switch off, clear my head, and think about something else, and that worked best for me when I was wandering around with my camera in hand. I could deal with the others later; right now, I needed time for myself.
“Cross a windy bridge, one winter night
Past Embankment Gardens, enter warmth and light
Face the music (it’s never easy), forget the chill
Face the future (it’s never easy), find the will
If life is worth living, it’s got to be done
One might be forgiven for thinking it’s a life on the run
Many roads will cross through many lives
but somehow you survive”
In the evening, I met Lena for a walk. It was a bit uncomfortable due to the cold, but I didn’t want to meet at either of our homes or in a bar or café for fear of being overheard. Not that it was all that likely, but the risk felt too high. I was already struggling with the thought of even talking about it, as every thought that left my safe inner self as a word could theoretically come back to me someday.
Lena was already at our meeting point, standing in the glow of the streetlight with her jacket pulled up to the top.
I greeted her, and she seemed happy to see me. At least.
“How are you?” she asked.
Well, what was I supposed to say? On one hand, good, because she knew. And on the other hand, bad, because she knew. Complicated. To be honest, I didn’t even know the answer to the question myself.
“Um. Quite okay. At least I think so. It just feels extremely unusual that you know, and somehow the thought that it’s no longer a secret scares me. But I’m really grateful to you for reacting the way you did.”
“I understand. And… how did you… actually find out?” It seemed Lena was also struggling to find the right words, but her curiosity ultimately seemed to win out.
“Well, it had actually been obvious for a while that I just wasn’t really interested in girls and was in boys. If I had been honest with myself. But… I didn’t accept it; I didn’t want to be gay and tried to suppress it for two years, tried to convince myself that it couldn’t be true. I was just scared, and only recently did I slowly start to cautiously confront the topic. Probably because I wouldn’t have been able to hold out much longer otherwise. And eventually, my fear went away, and I could accept it for myself.”
“Oh, okay. I can imagine that it wasn’t easy…”
“Well…” Surprisingly, it felt good to talk to someone about what had been on my mind for so long and what had become my best-kept secret over time. So much so that I had even hidden and suppressed it from myself.
“Are you mad at me that nothing will come of us? I wanted it for a while, to be honest, but at some point, I just realized that it wouldn’t work. And eventually, I could also admit to myself why.” Even though it sounded strange – this question had been on my mind the whole time, as I somehow felt a twinge of guilt towards her.
"Well, ... as I said, I'm of course a bit disappointed because I didn't expect it. But somehow I already felt that you didn't want it; I just didn't know the reason, which was much worse for me. I'm actually a bit relieved that it's not my fault. But to be honest, you can't help it, so why should I be angry with you? I'm just happy for you that you've finally found yourself."
"Okay, good. I really wish you someone who can love you the way I couldn't!" I said, and even though that should have sounded pretty serious, I just couldn't help but grin at her playfully.
"Thanks." Lena laughed now too. That felt good and I liked it much better than the serious conversation we had before. "By the way, how did you even know that I wanted something from you? I mean, of course, I showed some tendencies, but was it really that obvious?"
"What? Of course it was obvious!" I couldn't help but laugh. "Felix has been telling me all the time what a perfect couple we would be. I'd rather not know what he thinks happened between us yesterday after I suddenly fled..."
"Oh." That seemed to embarrass her a bit now. "Yeah, that's true, he did look at me strangely a few times yesterday after I didn't want to say what happened, but I didn't think much of it..."
"Well, he's probably more my 'problem' in the future since I see him every day, and he definitely won't let it go that easily." I said. Well, if he just asks, he would eventually lose interest.
A cold gust of wind blew past us, causing the trees next to the sidewalk to sway restlessly. In the darkness, it looked almost ghostly. We walked a few meters silently beside each other, each lost in our thoughts.
"Is there actually someone else you have a crush on?" Lena suddenly asked. That came a bit unexpectedly, and I hadn't really thought about it myself, but...
"Well, ... um, no, not really..." I replied somewhat shyly.
"Sure? Maybe Simon?" She said it as a joke, but that hit the mark with me. I hadn't realized it myself, but now that she said it, I realized that I had been quite infatuated with him over the last few days and weeks. Embarrassing. Hopefully, I wasn't being as obvious as she was with me, because then I would have some problems.
"How did you come up with that?" I dared to ask cautiously, praying that she hadn't noticed how my voice had changed a bit, how I had become more tense.
"I think you looked at him strangely a few times yesterday. And he looked at you. But I might be mistaken, right?"
"Yeah, definitely." I tried to cover my embarrassment with a laugh, which seemed to convince her. Lucky me. Not that it would have been bad if she had known my next secret, but she didn't need to know everything. A man needs his secrets; I had read that somewhere.
We talked for a while about this and that, then we said goodbye and made our way home.
"Looking back now, I can see, the ghost of myself as I used to be
Looking back now, I can see, the ghost of myself haunting me
Looking back now, I can see, the ghost of myself wondering what to be
Looking back now, I can see, the ghost of myself searching for the key"
The next day was a Sunday and passed relatively quickly. I tried to distract myself by doing various things for school; otherwise, not much happened. I was a bit tense when I thought about the next day, as I didn't know what Felix, Simon, and Lukas would say. If they would say anything at all. From their perspective, not much had happened, yet I was still unsure.
Chapter 6
"We're meant to be friends, that's what it says in the script
Is it really the end if sometimes I stray just a bit?
Oh no! It should be poetry not prose
I'm in love with you, do you think it shows?
And everyone knows when they look at us
of course they do it must be obvious
I've never told you, now I suppose
that you're the only one who doesn't know"
(Pet Shop Boys – It must be obvious*)
At school, I was greeted by Felix, who immediately bombarded me with questions.
"Hey, what happened on Friday? Something else must have happened, right?
"No, I just suddenly didn't feel well..." I tried to deflect, but I couldn't talk my way out of it that quickly.
"Come on, something happened with Lena! Did you kiss? Or argue? I didn't get anything out of her on Friday, she just said I should ask you..."
"No, we didn't kiss, and everything is fine between us..."
"But would you like to kiss her?" Felix asked now. He had sensed an exciting topic, and generally, I could discuss the love lives of various people with him all day; it was usually fun. But not when it came to my own, and especially not if he could get closer to my secret.
"No, not really, but whatever..."
"No? Why not? You would fit so well together!"
"Well, no, we're just friends, nothing more."
"Are you sure? I somehow don't believe you. She looks good too, don't you think?" He just wouldn't give up, which I was already finding a little annoying on a Monday morning. It was exhausting.
"Yeah, I don't know, she does. But..." I didn't get any further, as Simon just walked into the classroom and approached us. I fell silent, but he seemed to have already caught on to what was going on.
"What, you don't know? Why not? She actually fits you really well..." he immediately chimed in – had everyone conspired against me now?
"Oh please, don't you start too..." I tried to fend him off, but it was probably too late.
"Imagine, he doesn't want to kiss her either," Felix interjected again.
"Really? You can't just let that opportunity pass by?" Simon grinned at me mischievously. I felt a bit worse again when I thought about whom I would actually like to kiss right now. That could not come out.
I was just thinking about how to get out of this embarrassing situation when our German teacher's arrival saved me once again. "Good morning," she announced in a voice that suggested it didn't feel like one to her. "I need some grades from you, which is why you will all be working on a project." She got straight to the point. "You will work in pairs; I have already assigned the teams to keep things from getting out of hand. Your topics are listed on the information sheet that I will hand out. Any questions?" No one raised their hand. "Who is excited and can't wait to get started?" Very funny. But fine, let's just do that too...
When she presented the group assignments she had set, I was quite surprised. I would be working with Simon. He immediately turned around and smiled at me.
Finally something positive. But at the same time, doubts crept back in. What if he started to suspect something? I definitely had to hold back on the infatuation, and overall, I should stop thinking about him, as that would lead to nothing. Except maybe to ruining the friendship. In the worst case.
We were to present the epoch of Expressionism in a presentation. Well, too soon to be happy. Simon came over to discuss our approach.
"How do you want to do this? I think we should at least meet once so we can handle everything together and prepare, right?" he suggested.
"Yeah, that's true. When would you have time?" I asked.
"Hm, maybe today? That would work well for me."
"Yeah, okay, it works for me too. Where should we meet?"
"I don't really care, but it might be a bit tricky at my place," he replied, looking at me questioningly.
"You can come over to my place if you want! My parents and my sister won't be home this afternoon anyway..." Did I really just invite him to my house? I wondered if that was such a good idea. But well, why not, we were only going to study anyway.
"Sure, I'd love to!" Simon said, beaming at me. If he only knew what havoc he was wreaking on me with that look...
"Would it be okay for you if I come right after school? Because it takes a bit of time for me to drive home and then to you," he asked.
"No problem, we can do it that way." That settled everything, and I spent the rest of the school day alternating between looking forward to the afternoon, feeling a bit anxious, and convincing myself that we just wanted to do schoolwork and that it was nothing special.
"In the air I can feel something magical becoming real
From the other side looking in
Come on throw the dice and tonight we’ll win
(Live it) It’s the story of our lives
(Don’t give it) It’s the way we’ve always been
Though the mountains may divide, we can reach the sea
And I believe, we can change, we can make it more than a dream
And I believe, we can change, it’s not as strange as it might seem”
(Pet Shop Boys – More than a dream*)
When the class finally ended, we went home together, talking about all sorts of topics on the S-Bahn, just not about the schoolwork we were supposed to be doing. Just like always. We laughed a lot, and I was relieved that I had no problem being alone with him or talking to him normally.
“Do you want to eat something?” I asked when we arrived at my place. Yes, a little snack wouldn’t be bad before we got to the mandatory part, we both thought, and so we spent a few fun minutes looking for something to eat, preparing it, and consuming it.
Afterward, we went to my room, but instead of doing German as planned, Simon first took a closer look at my shelves while we continued to chat.
Suddenly, he became serious again and asked, “Why don’t you want to be with Lena?” Just like that, without warning, and no longer teasing like in the morning in front of Felix and Lukas, but rather curious and interested.
The answer “because I’m gay” was out of the question, but otherwise, I realized that I wanted to tell him at least part of the truth. At least as much as possible. I don’t know why, but the situation was completely different than at school, where I usually just felt embarrassed.
“I don’t know. Do you know the feeling when you’re really in love with someone, when you can only think about that person and would give anything to get closer to them? I just don’t feel that with Lena. I like her; she’s a very good friend, but unfortunately, nothing more.” Wow. Did I just say that, someone who had never had a relationship in 17 years and was generally labeled as “unromantic” by his environment?
“Hmm, yeah, I think I understand what you mean. I know that feeling,” Simon replied, still serious.
“Really? What about you? Do you have a girlfriend?” I dared to ask.
“No, but…” he started, then fell silent in the middle of the sentence.
“But?” I cautiously probed – I had no idea where I suddenly found the courage.
“Well, the feeling you just described. There’s someone for me that fits that description…”
“Cool,” I just replied, as I was somewhere between curiosity, hope, and disappointment.
“And what about you? Is there someone…?” Simon asked, looking at me seriously and questioningly. His gaze was somehow strange and hard to interpret.
“Hmm, yeah. I think so, but…” I stammered, as that was getting closer to the truth than I actually wanted. But something inside me compelled me not to change the subject as I would have liked to, but to hold his gaze.
Simon looked at me slightly sadly, then tried a smile, which didn’t really convince me. The situation was strange; I was sitting on my desk chair, he was on my bed only about a meter away. Somehow, I was extremely tense, I felt hot, and I noticed I was starting to tremble slightly.
“Paul…?” Simon began, but then he stopped, looked to the side, and said, “Sorry, maybe this is getting too personal; let’s leave it.”
“No, it’s okay, go ahead,” I replied, trying to make my voice sound friendly and not too nervous.
“You know, well… the person I meant… is you,” he murmured quietly, avoiding looking at me. I was speechless and couldn’t believe he had just said that. Could it really be that my deepest dreams were coming true right now?
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that… Maybe I should just go?” Simon asked now, tense, as I needed to process the information and couldn’t say anything yet.
“No, it’s okay… you know… I feel the same way…” I finally stammered and looked uncertainly at Simon, who now also looked quite surprised. Then I stood up, walked over to him, sat down next to him, and cautiously put my arm around his shoulder to comfort him and also to assure myself that it wasn’t a dream.
Simon also seemed to slowly realize what had just happened. He still looked at me uncertainly and asked, “Really?”
“Yes. That’s also the reason why nothing will happen with Lena. I… am gay.” Although he probably already figured that out himself, I still found it extremely difficult to say those words.
Now his expression brightened a bit; the tension seemed to fall away from him.
“Well, me too,” he mumbled, embarrassed.
And then we embraced, cuddled up to each other, and let ourselves sink back onto the bed. It felt incredibly and indescribably beautiful to be so close to him, to feel his body and to slowly stroke him. We looked into each other’s eyes, smiled at each other, and then our faces came closer together and we kissed. Once. Twice. And a little more often. This was surely one of the most beautiful moments of my life so far, and it felt so extremely good that I might as well not even start to describe it, as there are truly no words for this feeling. This must be what "happiness" feels like.
“A nervous boy in several ways
I never knew the world could operate this way
I was nervous when we stopped to speak
and the world came crashing around my feet
We don’t talk of love, we’re much too shy
but nervously we wonder when and why”
I felt how the constant touches all over my body excited me more and more, and Simon seemed to feel similarly. So it was only a matter of time before our hands began to explore the more intimate areas. Before I could no longer think clearly from excitement, I interrupted the stroking for a brief moment and looked at Simon uncertainly. “Should we stop?” I asked him slightly nervously. I didn’t want to push him into anything he might regret later. Instead of answering, he just smiled at me happily, shook his head, and continued with his caresses, which now dangerously aimed toward my groin. He commented on this with a cheeky grin, and I just had to kiss him again. I think I was in love.
Later, we both lay still on my bed for several minutes, trying to comprehend what had just happened, then I turned on my side and kissed him. He still felt just as incredible as at the beginning. I would have never thought it possible that I could feel something like this.
“I don’t know why
it always comes as a surprise
to find I’m here with you
You smile and I am rubbing my eyes
at a dream come true”
After we had gotten dressed again after a while, we realized it had gotten quite late. Of course, we hadn’t done any German, but at that moment, we both didn’t care at all!
“I think I love you!” I whispered softly into his ear, to which he smiled at me, kissed me again, and said, “I love you too.”
Of course, there were plenty of questions we wanted to ask each other, but since he had to go home soon, we decided to wait until the next day.
“I don’t think I can pretend nothing happened at school tomorrow,” Simon said as we said goodbye, and I had to agree with him.
“Whatever, it just has to work. No one can notice anything,” I said. He nodded seriously, and then he left after we kissed one more time to say goodbye.
When my parents and sister came home a little later, I had already cleared away all possible traces and acted as if nothing had happened, which they bought, even though the others were surely wondering why I was suddenly so unusually cheerful.
“You can live your life lonely, heavy as stone
Live your life learning and working alone
Say this is all you want, but I don’t believe that it’s true
‘cause when you least expect it, waiting round the corner for you
Love comes quickly, whatever you do, you can’t stop falling
Love comes quickly, whatever you do, you can’t stop falling
I know it sounds ridiculous but speaking from experience
It may seem romantic and that’s no defence
love will always get to you”

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#2
2025-07-10, 01:23 PM 
Pat 2 Chapter 2
"Give me hope. Give me all your love
Tell me now my luck is in tonight
Is this real? Can I learn to trust
how I feel? Does darkness end in light?
Never been closer to heaven
Never been closer to heaven"
(The next morning, I arranged to meet Simon before class. We met at the subway and then walked together to school. In public, we naturally behaved as if we were still just friends, even though it was really hard for me not to get closer to him. But we both knew it was necessary because if someone had caught us, the likelihood that everyone would know soon wouldn’t have been low.
“Just imagine if Jan found out.” Simon joked. We had known Jan for two years; he was in our class, but we weren't friends with him. He could be nice, but primarily he was unfortunately quite annoying, as he would suck up to everyone only to gossip about them later. The most important thing for him was information. He knew everything that was going on at that school with teachers or students and usually wasted no time in sharing that news with anyone who wanted to know or even those who didn’t. A few decades ago, he would have made a perfect Stasi informant, but he would have needed to work on his inconspicuousness. So if he had caught wind of us, we would probably have been outed in front of the entire school within five minutes. Almost at least.
“Oh yes, one more reason to be careful. I won’t give him the satisfaction.” I replied, grinning at him. A discreet "buddy" grin, but in truth, I was already imagining what we could do this afternoon if we wanted to meet again to study German. He was really tempting.
When we entered the classroom together, no one seemed to suspect anything. It wasn’t unusual for two friends to come in together, even if we had never done that before. Only Felix looked at us with a slightly suspicious glance when we greeted him after we stopped teasing each other.
“Well, you guys are in a good mood.” he commented. Then he took his phone out of his pocket, tapped on it briefly, and finally showed me an Instagram picture of a girl our age who looked vaguely familiar.
“Look, she looks really good, right?” he grinned at me. Well, to be honest, I couldn’t find much to appreciate about her, maybe because she wasn’t a boy. But of course, he shouldn’t find that out. Not yet at least.
“Yeah, she’s okay. Who is she?”
“What do you mean, okay? Paul, you can’t be serious, right?” he laughed now, but before I could respond, he continued talking. He was probably quite happy that I obviously wasn’t into her. “That’s Alina, she was in our parallel class in secondary school.”
“Ah, right, now that you mention it. What about her?”
“Well, I ran into her while shopping yesterday, and we recognized each other and talked a bit. And then she suddenly messaged me on Instagram in the evening. Maybe something will come of it…”
“Cool, I wish you good luck.” I said and was genuinely happy for him. As long as he wouldn’t constantly ask me how pretty I thought she was.
This conversation had kept me from smiling at Simon for quite a while, but that was probably for the best because otherwise, it would eventually become noticeable. He was also looking for some distraction by discussing the Bundesliga games from the last weekend with Lukas. However, he was still glancing in my direction, and when our eyes briefly met, he secretly smiled at me, and I just melted away.
“Every time I see you something happens to me
like a chain reaction between you and me
My heart starts missing a beat
every time”
“Paul? Paul!” Felix suddenly pulled me out of my thoughts. Confused, I looked at him. What was going on?
“Sorry, what’s up? I guess I wasn’t paying attention…” I stammered.
“I noticed that, with the way you were staring off into space.”
Oops, was it that obvious?
“What’s wrong with you anyway? You’ve been acting kind of strange for a few days.” Felix said now, looking at me scrutinizingly. It’s tough when you’ve known each other for so long; it becomes increasingly difficult to hide something from the other.
“Everything’s fine, don’t worry.” I replied somewhat dismissively.
“Really? You can talk to me if something’s up, okay?” Felix’s expression was unusually serious, and for a brief moment, I felt guilty for keeping something from him.
“Thanks,” I just said. Sooner or later, I would have to tell him, but not just yet."
The school day started with an English lesson that dragged on forever. During the break, I quickly checked if I had new messages on DBNA, where I had signed up a few days ago to exchange problems with like-minded people. Of course, I was careful and checked beforehand if anyone was watching me in the classroom before I opened the page on my phone. After that, I joined a conversation among the other three, where Simon and I managed quite well not to grin at each other constantly. We were just good.
After a few more hours, it was finally time to go home. Simon came with me again today to do German. We couldn't go to his place because some of his family were home, and we would have been much less able to concentrate there.
“Didn’t you finish yesterday?” Felix asked us surprised on the way home. He and Lukas had already completed their assignment yesterday, which indicated that they hadn’t had nearly as much fun as we did.
“No, unfortunately not, we got a bit distracted yesterday,” Simon admitted, although he wisely didn’t mention how.
Once home, we could hardly wait to get out of the "buddy mode" and fell into each other's arms as soon as the door was closed. We kissed passionately and almost ended up doing it in the hallway, but then we managed to pull away from each other for a moment and go to my room. Once there, there was no stopping us, and we rolled around on my bed, kissing, touching each other passionately, and slowly undressing each other until we were lying naked next to each other again. It ended pretty much the same way as yesterday, and it was at least just as beautiful.
Afterward, we pulled ourselves together and quickly finished our German work. We were done pretty quickly, and I openly admit that I had prepared much better presentations in my school career, but to be honest, we didn’t care.
Once we had completed our obligations, we retreated back to the bed, but since my sister and parents would be home soon, we cuddled while still dressed and started to clarify some open questions.
“Since when do you actually know that you’re gay?” I asked Simon after we had briefly stopped kissing.
“For about a year. It took me a while to get to that point and accept it.”
“Yeah, I felt the same way. To be honest, I could only really admit it to myself last week; before that, I had suppressed it as well as I could for two years.”
“Last week? That was pretty quick for you?” he grinned at me. How I loved that look.
“True. I still can’t believe my luck!” I laughed.
“I’m really glad it turned out this way. I was pretty shocked at first when I had to keep staring at you in school, and you wouldn’t leave my mind, but I just liked you too much to forget about it,” he suddenly said seriously again.
“I felt the same way. Basically, you’re to blame for me admitting that I’m gay at all. I was constantly distracted because you were sitting in front of me, and every time you turned around, it felt so strange.” We both had to laugh.
I rolled onto him and kissed him, and I noticed that he was already as stiff as I was again. It’s really exhausting as a teenager. Since I hadn’t heard anything from my family so far, I slipped my hand into his underwear and stroked him there.
“Are you sure this is a good idea? If you keep going like this, it’ll be hard to suddenly stop,” Simon moaned excitedly.
Unfortunately, he was right, but at certain moments, it’s incredibly hard to stay reasonable. Well...
“The night, the stars. A light shone through the dark
All the way back home at midnight, you were sleeping on my shoulder
Take my hand, don’t think of hesitation
Now, right now, your love is liberation”
Chapter 2
"You can sneer or disappear behind a veneer of self-control
But for all of those who don’t fit in
who follow their instincts and are told they sin
this is a prayer for a different way"
(Pet Shop Boys – A red letter day*)
When I woke up the next morning, a new WhatsApp from Lena popped up.
"Hey, how are you? Anything new?" she asked. I replied that indeed there was, but I wanted to tell her in person, so I kept her hanging a little longer. Which might have been a bit mean, I admit, but in my defense, I must say it was just too early in the morning. One tends to let others suffer for the sake of justice. Besides, I really wanted to tell her about Simon and me in person, if only to protect him.
At breakfast, I felt like this day was going to be pretty good. It didn't happen often that I went to school in a good mood, but today was an exception, which in retrospect was particularly cruel, as it meant I was brought back down to reality even more harshly.
When I entered the classroom, it felt like all eyes were on me. A bit confused, I walked to my seat. Felix was already waiting for me, looking at me with a mix of disappointment, anger, and pity, which made me feel even more insecure.
"Is it true?" he greeted me immediately. His voice sounded distant and hard to interpret.
"What?" I asked, but inside I was filled with dread. No. That couldn't be. Please, no.
At the other end of the room, I heard someone giggling; Jan was whispering with a friend, and the two of them glanced over at me sneakily, turning away grinning when they realized I was looking at them in confusion.
"Jan says you're gay. Someone he knows found your profile on some gay platform," Felix informed me. He sounded accusatory.
Everything inside me spun; I felt hot and dizzy. No, no, no, this couldn't be. Not now. Not like this. I had to get out of here, no matter what the others would think, I just needed to get away from here.
Without answering Felix, I turned around and rushed to the door. Finally in the hallway, I heard laughter behind me. I knew it would have been better to stay and explain myself, as I might have been able to turn the situation to my advantage and maintain my dignity, but I couldn't do that. Once outside, I ran to the small park near the school and desperately sank onto one of the benches.
I was on the verge of tears and sad because I felt betrayed by the class; at the same time, I was angry with Jan. How could he? This time he had gone too far.
My watch showed it was eight o'clock, but I couldn't muster the strength to go back to the classroom, so I sat in the cold and tried to calm down. What could I do? Go home and never come back? Tempting, but at least the latter was out of the question; I quickly realized that I couldn't run away from my problems forever. And if I went home now, a day would pass where the news would circulate without me being able to defend myself in any way. But what could I do about it? It would happen anyway.
And what if I went back in and confessed to them all that it was true; that I was gay? What would happen? Surely there would be one or two who would have a problem with it, but I didn't care about those. Most in the class generally had no issue with gay people; I knew that by now from various discussions about the topic in class. If I went in and explained myself, they probably wouldn't have a problem with it; if I ran away, they might label me a coward, and it would be even harder in the future. Objectively speaking, it was clear that there was only one reasonable option, but I needed courage for that. And I was scared.
And what about Simon? If I came out in front of the class and he still spent so much time with me afterward, rumors could quickly arise that he was gay too. Which was true, but first of all, it was nobody's business, and second, it would be terrible for him.
While I continued to ponder the problem, I didn't initially notice someone approaching me and sitting down next to me on the bench. Startled, I turned around. It was Simon.
"Hey," he said cautiously.
As I looked into his worried face, everything suddenly overwhelmed me, and I began to cry quietly. I didn't want this, not in front of him, but I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. He wrapped his arms around me and comforted me, which made me feel better right away.
"What do you want to do?" he asked me seriously when I had calmed down again.
"I don't know. I probably should face them, but I'm afraid. I just want to get away from here."
"I think you should go back in. It won't help anymore; you have to face them and win them over to your side, or else Jan will win." I was surprised that Simon saw it so clearly.
"Do you think? I thought so too, but what about you? What if they think you're gay too, if we keep spending so much time together?"
"If we do, then we'll just ask them if they've ever heard of friendship," he replied cheekily. "No, seriously, I don't think that's going to happen. At least, no one will say it out loud. And maybe I'll tell them someday when I'm ready. But for now, it's about you, so let the possible consequences be my problem!"
"Thank you," I mumbled. Simon was right; I couldn't put this off any longer, whether I wanted to or not. I stood up, and together we walked back to school.
"Tonight the streets are full of actors, I don’t know why
Oh take these dogs away from me, before they, they bite
Tonight I fought and made my mind up, I know it’s right
I know these dogs still snap around us, but I can, I can fight
If I was you, if I was you, I wouldn’t treat me the way you do
If I was you, if I was you, I wouldn’t treat me the way you do, you
I’m not scared, baby, I don’t care
I’d go anywhere, baby, I’m not scared"

As Simon and I entered the classroom, all eyes turned to us. No one said a word; they just stared. Even Felix, Lukas, and some others I got along with very well. That hurt the most. I was infinitely grateful that at least Simon was by my side.
"Paul, where have you been?" Mr. Bergmüller, our economics teacher, greeted me. "Did something happen?"
Now would have been the right time to take the plunge and confirm the rumor, but suddenly I couldn't do that anymore. So I nodded silently and quickly went to my seat, avoiding the gazes of my classmates. Mr. Bergmüller watched me with a furrowed brow and looked concerned. I just wanted to sink into the ground; the courage I had talked myself into on the way back inside had suddenly vanished. I realized I was shaking all over. To escape the curious looks around me, I stared at the wall with a frozen expression.
"Paul, it really isn’t my business, and I don't want to intrude, but I overheard what rumor is going around here. You don’t have to say anything, because if it were true, it’s nobody’s business here, but you can feel free to do so," he said. He looked at me understandingly, and I was reminded once again why he had been one of my favorite teachers for some time.
Now or never, I thought. I nodded to him, stood up, and faced the class. All eyes were on me; some looks seemed curious, others mocking, and many sympathetic. I glanced briefly at Simon, and he smiled encouragingly at me.
"Yes, so guys, I think everyone has heard what Jan had to say," I began cautiously. I would have loved to glare at him angrily and tell him to his face how much I despised him for it, but I couldn't do that, because then I would probably have started crying in front of the whole class. So I directed my gaze outside the window, watching a small bird that had just landed in the branches of the tree in front of the school building and was hopping around cheerfully. It's strange; no matter how bad you feel, the world keeps turning as if nothing has happened.
"Putting aside the fact that it's absolutely awful to spread something like this, he is right. I... am gay." I stammered the last words, even though I tried to make my voice sound as firm as possible. A murmur went through the class. "And if anyone has a problem with that, please say so now, because I certainly won't deny myself in the future," I added. Well, that sounded at least a bit combative, and I even dared to look at the class while saying those words.
After that, I quickly made my way back to my seat, as I had just realized what I had done. I wanted to sink into the ground; I felt so embarrassed suddenly.
The class still sat there in silence, but suddenly the first people began to clap slowly. I didn't understand what was happening at first and just wanted to get away when Mr. Bergmüller suddenly raised his voice.
"Thank you, Paul, for your honest words; that was really brave of you, even if you were more or less forced to do it," he said. Then he turned to the class. "I can see that most of you seem to support him, and if there are still people who find homosexuality strange, I ask those individuals to think about it quietly for a moment. No one chooses this voluntarily, and it’s nothing unnatural! I'm sure Paul hasn’t always had it easy, so please don’t make his life any harder."
The class applauded again, and I slowly began to understand what that meant. I gradually lifted my gaze, looked around, and saw many friendly and encouraging faces. Anna, who was our class representative, also stood up.
"I think it's brave of you to have faced the class, even though it surely wasn't easy. And I believe I speak for most of us when I say that we will continue to stand by you, because you are still a part of this class and you haven't suddenly changed; you are still the same as you were yesterday," she said. "And I also want to emphasize once again that it is absolutely not okay to expose someone against their will in front of everyone. Because it really only concerns him whether and when he tells someone." Anna looked at no one in particular as she said this, but it was obvious that she meant Jan, who had been sitting quietly in his seat and whose stupid, sensationalist grin was gradually fading. I couldn't help it; for a brief moment, I had to grin, no matter how uncomfortable the situation actually was.
"Thank you," I said then, still unable to fully grasp that most people's reactions were so positive. Even Felix and Lukas, whose reactions mattered most to me, looked at me kindly. However, Felix's gaze was still slightly distant, and I realized that I definitely needed to talk to him about it after school.
After that, most people had calmed down again, and we eventually continued with the lesson. I still felt my classmates' eyes on me, but I pretended not to notice and stared intently at the board. In this way, the school day passed more or less quickly. During breaks, I barricaded myself behind my phone—it was obvious that some people would have liked to talk to me, but I wasn't ready for that yet. Simon smiled at me lovingly a few times, but I didn't talk to him either, partly to avoid any possible gossip about him, at least on the first day.
After school, I packed my things and waited for Felix after briefly saying goodbye to Lukas and Simon. The latter would, of course, come over to my place today, but we had secretly agreed via WhatsApp during the break that he would let me talk to Felix in peace first after class. It was important to me to resolve the issues with him, as he was one of my best friends, and I couldn't bear it if something changed between us now.
When Felix had finished packing, most of the other students had already left the classroom, which suited me just fine. Felix looked at me as if he had just noticed that I was waiting for him. He seemed surprised, after all, I hadn't wanted to talk to anyone during the previous breaks.
I smiled at him sadly but didn't quite know how to start the conversation. I was somehow afraid of it. What if it went wrong? What would happen to our friendship then?
"I don't mind that you're gay," he said suddenly. "On the contrary, at least you can't steal my girlfriend from me," he added with a grin. Well, that was a decent start. I smiled back a bit more relaxed.
"You know, I was pretty shocked this morning when that idiot Jan came up to me right after I arrived and had to rub it in my face. And I was a bit disappointed that you hadn't told me yet; I thought we were friends and could tell each other everything, so it felt like you didn't trust me. But I've been able to think about it a bit now, and I've realized that you were just afraid and that it's not easy to find the right moment for it. That's why I might not have reacted the way I should have at first, I'm sorry!"
I was momentarily speechless. I would have never thought that he didn't care at all whether I was gay or not and that his only problem was that I hadn't confided in him sooner. I couldn't help it; I just had to smile, I was so happy about his words.
"Thank you! It's not something to take for granted that you handle it so calmly. It really means a lot to me!" I said somewhat shyly. "And yes, maybe it would have been better to talk to you about it earlier, but as you said, I was just afraid. And besides, I couldn't even admit it to myself until recently; I just didn't want to be gay, I didn't want to face it. But I would have told you eventually, once I had gotten more used to it, I promise!"
"Come here, Paul!" he simply replied, grinning and pulling me into a hug. Wow, that must really mean something; we normally never hugged because boys just didn't do that. It felt like our friendship was stronger than ever before.
"By the way, you don't have to be afraid of me in the future, okay? I'm not into you or anything, and even if I were, friendship would be much more important to me!" That was still important to me because I could understand that many boys might have feared something like that, even if they would never admit it.
"Oh come on, of course I'm not afraid of you, or would I have just hugged you otherwise?" he grinned at me.
After that, we made our way home in surprisingly good spirits, something I would have never thought possible just a few hours earlier. On the way, he asked me all sorts of things that interested him on the topic, for example, how one finds out that they are gay or since when I knew. As before with Lena, it felt good to be able to talk so openly and honestly with him about it.
"If I’d had my way, this would have happened much sooner
but until that day, it was only a rumour
All at once, you changed my life
and led me into paradise
where I had to do, what I wanted to
I react when I hear people ask
Was it worth it? Yes, it’s worth living for
Was it worth it? Yes, it’s worth giving more
I reserve the right to live
my life this way and I don’t give
a damn when I hear people say
I’ll pay the price that others pay
‘Cause it’s worth it! Yes, it’s worth living for
‘Cause it’s worth it! Yes, it’s worth giving more"
Chapter 3
"You may think I’m strong and I can do no wrong
but I’m vulnerable, so vulnerable without you
I may be hard to take but you can’t call me fake
‘cause I’m vulnerable, so vulnerable, without you"
When I got home, I avoided my mother, who had the day off. Yes, it had gone surprisingly well, at least as far as my classmates were concerned, and I was really happy about Felix's reaction, but still, a certain despair spread within me again. I could never face them as carefree as before, because I would probably always feel that they saw me now only as "the gay one" and no longer as Paul, no matter what the others really thought.
This thought scared me, and so I retreated to my room, lay down on my bed, and listened to songs through my headphones that matched my mood and that I simply felt like hearing. After "Happiness is an option" by the Pet Shop Boys, I was at least not quite as downcast anymore, and I began to think about my situation.
All the time, a thought had pressed upon me, but only now did I dare to allow it: How should I deal with my parents? Sure, I could just continue as before and come out to them only when I felt it was appropriate, but on the other hand, too many people knew by now. I definitely trusted Lena, Felix, Lukas, and Simon not to say anything, but what if my parents ran into someone at a parents' evening or some other event who unintentionally let something slip? Or if they found out through other means? Sure, the chance of that happening was low, but it was there. And then? Would I be cornered again just like this morning at school, and I definitely did not want to experience that again.
The alternative would be to tell them as soon as possible, which would also be uncomfortable, but at least I would be doing it voluntarily and could at least somewhat set the conditions myself.
I sent Lena a WhatsApp and asked her if we could meet again tonight because I needed to talk to her. I had the feeling that she would know exactly what to do now.
However, Simon would come over to me again first, and I would also like to ask him for his opinion. If there was time to talk…
"Why do you want to sit alone in gothic gloom
surrounded by the ghosts of love that haunt your room?
Somewhere there’s a different door to open wide
You gotta throw those skeletons out of your closet and come outside"
After Simon and I finished with our urges about an hour later, I brought up the topic.
"Yes, I think you should tell your parents soon, after what happened today," Simon said seriously. "Jan will end up visiting your parents to ask if they already know," he added with a slight grin.
"Oh God, don’t say that, he might actually do it," I groaned. "That’s not funny."
"No, rather sad. But that makes it almost funny," Simon replied and then smiled encouragingly at me. "Come on, you have to think more positively. What happened has happened, and you can’t change it. But you can be glad that the class stands so firmly behind you. And your parents will stand behind you too, I’m sure of that. And once you have it behind you, much will change for the better – for example, you can talk to them much more openly."
"Hm, you’re probably right," I said, staring thoughtfully at the ceiling lamp.
"As always," Simon teased me now and gently poked me in the side.
"Hey, what does that mean?" I replied, feigning outrage and rolling onto him, ready to tickle him immediately if he made another cheeky comment.
"Nothing," he grinned at me and kissed me. He obviously knew how to escape his just punishment.
"Summer sands have lost their charm, let ‘em go
Autumn winds will do no harm, let ‘em blow
Save up all your dreams, oh save them, save them
Live beyond your means but keep your dreams
Won’t you?
You go from A to B to C, on demand
like algebra or geometry, diagrammed
Your resolution’s weak, but we’re not all damned
The future’s not so bleak in this wasteland
when always, always
summer comes, always"
In the evening, I went for a walk with Lena again.
She was happy to see me and asked why I wanted to meet.
"It’s complicated…" I began.
"Don’t worry, I have time."
So I told her everything. About Simon, how one thing led to another, and that we were now together. "I knew there was more between you! I felt that from the very beginning," she grinned at me. "I’m happy for you!"
"Thanks." I still felt a little guilty towards her, but her joy seemed genuine. And that’s exactly why I liked her so much.
"How's it going with you? Is there anyone...?" I asked now. I actually wanted to tell about the somewhat unpleasant turns of today's school day, but suddenly I didn't want to just talk about my problems all the time, and besides, I was really interested.
"Hm, I don't think so," Lena said. "But that's not a big deal. I really liked you, so I just need some time to think about it. Everything else will come back soon enough."
"I'm really sorry. You know, if I ever wanted to have a girlfriend, it would be you!"
"Oh, don't say that. Who knows how you would be if you were into girls..." she teased me now. "And besides, you don't have to apologize, you didn't do anything wrong. Yes, it wasn't easy for me at first, but that's my problem. And the longer I think about it, the more I appreciate that we are such good friends. That might be more valuable in the long run than some relationships."
"I'm also glad to have you as a friend," I said and looked at her gratefully. "Who else would I tell all my problems to?" I grinned at her.
"You too." Lena's eyes sparkled mockingly as she said that. Then she fell silent for a moment and asked again, somewhat more seriously: "Are there any problems right now?"
That was the right moment to tell her about the events today at school. She seemed visibly shocked by it. In the end, I told her about my consideration of telling my parents.
"Yeah, I think you should do that soon," she said. "It could be that you're lucky and they never find out, but if it does happen..." She didn't finish that sentence.
"Yeah. If I tell them myself, at least I can determine the circumstances under which I come out. If they find out by chance at some point, it will feel like today at school again."
"If you want, I can come by and support you," Lena offered.
"Thanks for the offer! I'll think about it." However, I knew that I would probably have to go through that alone.
After that, we talked for a while about other news before saying goodbye to each other. Have I mentioned that summer is just the cooler season? Just the fact that you can be outside without having to worry about freezing...
Once home, I went to bed relatively soon after taking a quick shower. In the dark, I reflected on today's events again. The day had started as perhaps the worst of my life, but in the end, things hadn't turned out badly at all. And Lena had just reinforced my decision to come out to my parents soon. Surprisingly satisfied, I finally fell asleep.
"And we were never holding back or worried that
time would come to an end
We were always hoping that, looking back
you could always rely on a friend."
Chapter 4
The next day was a Thursday, so the weekend was approaching quickly. Generally, that was something very positive, but I had resolved to talk to my parents about this occasion.
They had probably already noticed that something had happened, because yesterday at dinner I had understandably been rather quiet and thoughtful, even for my standards.
"Is something wrong?" my mother asked me when I ran into her this morning just before I had to leave. I must have looked somewhat depressed, as she first hugged me before continuing, "Are you not feeling well, Paul? You know you can always come to us, okay big guy?" she said, looking me in the eyes. By now, she had to look slightly up since I had already surpassed her in height over the past few years. How convenient that I was already hanging my head, so I had the right angle.
I smiled at her somewhat painfully. "I know, Mom," I replied briefly. Of course, this might have been the perfect opportunity to tell her the truth, but I didn't want to do that right before going to school. At least that’s what I told myself. The truth was probably more that the newfound courage I had gained last night had already abandoned me overnight.
"Good luck, bad luck, waiting in a line
It takes more than the matter of time
Someone told me Monday, someone told me Saturday
Wait until tomorrow and there’s still no way
Read it in a book, or write it in a letter
Wake up in the morning and there’s still no guarantee
There is still no guarantee"
When I arrived at school, I became a bit nervous again. Yes, the class had reacted positively to my forced coming out yesterday, and I knew I could rely on most of them. But of course, there were also a few classmates I wasn't so sure about, foremost Jan. I didn’t think he was mean or anything, and I believe he didn’t have a problem with me being gay; that wasn’t the issue at all. He just thrived on bragging about information, acquiring it, and then spreading it. It must have been some sort of hobby for him.
Guess how likely it was that he hadn’t told anyone after yesterday. Right, close to zero. And no, there’s no prize for those who guessed correctly…
So it was quite understandable that I was tense as I walked through the crowd of students waiting at the entrance, always with the feeling of being secretly stared at from all sides. Admittedly, most of the others at this school didn’t know me anyway; it was just too big for that, but still, it felt that way.
As I entered the classroom, I lowered my gaze and tried to appear as inconspicuous as possible. Upon reaching my seat, I greeted Felix with a nod before I hid behind my phone. I actually didn’t know exactly why I was so nervous and didn’t want much contact with the others, but I probably just wanted to wait until they all forgot about it eventually. Really great strategy.
But I had to look up when Simon entered the classroom because he looked too good for me to look away. He smiled at me, and when I thought about what we had done together yesterday, which no one here had any idea about, I couldn’t help but grin.
"And I was already afraid you had been replaced by a robot, but apparently, you do show emotions after all..." came a comment from Felix next to me, who had probably just been waiting for an opportunity to talk to me. Well, I thought, why hide anymore? It didn’t matter anyway.
"Actually, I am a very advanced robot model, which is why I can convincingly display various human emotions," I replied, pretending to be serious. Felix looked at me in relief – everything was as it had always been between us.
"Oh, right, I should have figured that out. My mistake," he said before he grinned at me amusedly. "You don’t have to hide, Paul, it’s okay, trust me. Just be yourself, be the way you’ve always been until yesterday, then no one here will suddenly see you with different eyes," he whispered, suddenly serious again – apparently, he had been a bit worried. "Okay, almost no one at least…" he added.
"Thanks," I replied, meaning it. He seemed to know exactly what had been bothering me even before I was fully aware of it myself. "You’re right!"
"Anytime, that’s what friends are for. And of course, I’m right, as I usually am…"
"Same to you," I replied, pretending to be offended, but in fact, I felt much better after this short conversation. Simon, who had been secretly watching us from his seat, gave me a barely visible thumbs up and smiled encouragingly at me.
"It’s a long way to happiness, a long way to go
but I’m gonna get there, boy, the only way I know."
Until the lesson began, I continued to chat with Felix about all sorts of everyday things, just like we used to. We didn't mention yesterday or anything related to it anymore; we had come to a silent agreement that everything that needed to be said had been said, that Felix had no problem with it, and that everything between us remained as it was before.
At some point, Lukas and Simon also joined our conversation, with Lukas not saying anything more about my being gay; he just treated it normally, which I was secretly very glad about.
And Simon occasionally grinned at me conspiratorially – secretly, of course, but in the end, I worried whether it was becoming too obvious that there was more going on.
The rest of the school day was quite uneventful; the lessons were about as exciting as ever, and I tried to behave as I usually did during breaks, which I mostly managed. We also chatted with other classmates, just like before, and none of them suddenly seemed to treat me differently. At least, none of them showed it openly.
Jan, on the other hand, was surprisingly quiet today for his standards; he didn’t try to engage others in conversation like he usually did, but sat most of the time in his seat. He didn’t look at me even once, which was fine by me. I thought to myself that he was almost pitiful. Jan had never really been popular; unfortunately, he had a very annoying way about him. Well, perhaps he couldn’t help it, but could we help that we couldn’t stand his antics? I wondered if there was a way for the class to change their behavior towards him so that he felt less excluded. On the other hand, why should we do that? Do you have to like people you can’t stand for good reasons? A difficult question, and the longer I thought about it, the less I could blame Jan for outing me. What else could he do? Almost no one liked him because of his annoying behavior, which seemed like a constant struggle for attention, and he responded with an escalation of that behavior to get noticed by us. A vicious cycle, I realized, that apparently couldn’t be broken.
I pondered the problem for a while longer but concluded that while I felt somewhat sorry for him, it wasn’t my job to change things. Not after yesterday. I also resolved to talk to him reasonably if he ever approached me about it and not to hate him from now on.
“I don’t speak the language
I can’t understand a word
Where angels fear to tread
I’ve sometimes walked, and tried to talk
but how can I be heard, in such a world
when I am lost?
I’m doing what I do, to see me through
I’m going out, and carrying on as normal”
Since we didn’t have afternoon classes on Thursdays, I went home quite early. Since Simon, for once, didn’t come over, I had enough time to take care of necessary schoolwork and do things in my free time that had nothing to do with being gay or coming out.
I also tried to push aside my planned conversation with my parents; I would deal with that tomorrow. All in all, I was surprisingly happy that afternoon, and I wondered if this state could last permanently? If so, then the efforts would be worth it.
At dinner, I appeared with a smile, unlike yesterday, which seemed to calm Mom and Dad. I noticed them exchanging a slightly astonished glance before they smiled back, obviously satisfied.
As usual, my sister Marie took the lead in the conversation at the table while the rest of us mostly listened, amused, to her account of her school day.
“And Paul, now tell us, how was your school day?” my mother asked at some point. “You seem so cheerful…” she explained her question. Really, as if I were never cheerful otherwise…
“Oh, there wasn’t anything special, everything’s fine so far,” I replied briefly, which was technically true – today had really been normal again. And that was lesson one from the category “How to lie to my parents without really lying.”
My mother shot me a suspicious glance – obviously, she didn’t completely buy it – but then left it at that. I firmly resolved to talk to both of them tomorrow.
Later that evening, I thought about how much my life had changed in the last two weeks. Just a few days ago, I could barely admit to myself that I was gay, and now I had accidentally found a boyfriend and had come out to the whole class. Such things usually only happened in books or movies, I thought before finally falling asleep.
“Shadows start to fall, bringing on the night
We’re sitting in the dark, let’s not turn on the light
It feels so good to be, just the two of us
Anyone else around would be superfluous
Although the dark is leaving its mark, it’s not gonna last.”
"So let’s enjoy the night, until it gets light, it happens so fast
Don’t be scared, for only the dark, can show you the stars
I’ll be there, the moment the dark, reopens your heart”

Chapter 5
Finally Friday. Although I already knew that my weekend could be stressful, I was looking forward to it like any normal student, if only because I wouldn't have to get up early for two days.
However, today I had to bite the bullet one more time, so I got it over with quickly and painlessly. The first two periods passed pleasantly fast, mainly because Mr. Krämer, our math teacher, wasn't really in the mood for teaching either.
During the break, I wanted to drop something off in the staff room. Since we were located in a separate building a bit away from the school grounds, I had to walk a short distance. I had just turned from the street onto the sports field in front of the school building when someone called out to me from behind.
"Paul, wait a moment..." It was Jan.
I slowly turned to him. He stood a few steps away from me, as if he didn't want to impose too much. His facial expression looked uncertain and showed a certain shame. Good, because even though I mainly felt sorry for him, I still wanted him to realize what he had done.
"What do you want, Jan?" I asked curtly, trying to make my voice sound cold.
"Look, Paul, I know you probably don't want to talk to me, but I've been thinking..." he stammered, visibly nervous.
"Oh, really? Maybe you should have thought about that before you outed me in front of the whole class!" I snapped at him more aggressively than I intended. I didn't actually want to talk to him like this, but now that I thought about it, a certain anger was rising in me again. I was ready to forgive him, but I didn't want to make it too easy for him.
"Yeah, sorry. Damn, you're right, I shouldn't have done that. I know you're angry, and I know this won't change anything, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm really sorry." I was surprised; normally, Jan wasn't the type to admit to others that he had made a mistake. Obviously, he was being serious. And in retrospect, it had actually gone quite well, even though he had no part in it. Still, what he had done weighed heavily.
"You know, Jan, I should actually hate you for exposing me like that in front of everyone. And I think many people in my position would do just that right now. But as you might know, it actually went surprisingly well; most of the class seems to accept that I'm gay, and my friends are treating me no differently than before. It could have turned out very differently, you know that, and I believe that then I would never want to talk to you again. But like this... I've thought about it, Jan, and I think we as a class share some of the blame for what happened. It just happened to hit me, but I believe the problem is that many of us haven't always been nice to you. And somehow, I understand why you did it – to get attention, to show others how cool you are, or maybe just to get back at someone, I don't know. That doesn't make it better, but it still showed me that we're all not completely innocent." As I said these words, I intensely studied the facade of the houses across from the school grounds because I somehow felt ashamed to look at him. In the end, however, I did look him in the eyes.
"Hm, yeah, maybe you're right, but it still wasn't fair to you. You can't really help it. Actually, I didn't even think about what I was doing; I just wanted to tell it. Sometimes I just can't keep quiet when it comes to things like that..."
"I noticed, Jan," I replied, somewhat grumpily, but also with a slight grin on my face. He had noticed it himself, I thought. That's already a step in the right direction.
"As I said, I don't expect you to forgive me now, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry, okay?" Jan concluded and looked at me questioningly.
"You're lucky, I think I can forgive you..." I murmured in response.
"Thanks, Paul. That's not something to be taken for granted after all this."
No, it certainly wasn't, but to be honest, what would it bring me to be angry with him for the rest of my life? I didn't like him before, and I didn't really like him now, so it didn't even surprise me that he would do something like that. But honestly, being angry with him now felt far too exhausting. We would never be friends now, but to be honest, that had already been the case before. So I viewed the situation quite soberly.
"Did you ever give a thought for someone else’s pride?
Your actions prove that actually you did
and threw it out the door as opportunity came through
I’d been betrayed by you"
After the brief conversation with Jan, I separated from him and quickly went to the staff room before making my way back to the classroom. In front of the door, I met Simon, who quickly made sure that no one was watching us before he took my hand for a brief moment.
"What's up?" I smiled at him questioningly.
"Nothing, I just miss you already, after we didn't meet yesterday," he replied, looking at me seductively, which made us both grin.
"But we saw each other the whole time at school?"
"Yeah, sure, but that's something completely different. Here I have to pretend we're just buddies, while I can't stop thinking about what I would like to do with you right now..." Simon explained.
"What would you like to do with me right now?" I asked curiously, trying to sound as naive as possible.
"What you'd also like to do if I look at your pants..." he teased me, pointing down where a slight bulge was visible in my jeans.
"Oops," I mumbled, embarrassed. He was right; I could think of a few things I would like to do with him. Kissing Simon would have been a good start, but I could barely hold myself back, after all, he was still considered straight.
Now Felix came out of the door, unknowingly interrupting our moment of intimacy.
"Hey you two, what are you up to?" he asked, while we wondered if he could sense anything. No, not really; it happens that friends talk to each other, right?
"Paul, have you heard that Anna just suggested to the class to have an information session with Mr. Bergmüller about homosexuality? She said it was to help people who aren't familiar with it to overcome their prejudices and 'help those affected.' That's exactly how she put it," he grinned at me, obviously finding it very amusing.
"Um, no, okay..." I said somewhat hesitantly.
"Not okay, that's great. I mean, obviously, she would mainly organize it for you..." Felix tried to spark a bit more enthusiasm in me.
Simon, who had only been listening the whole time, winked at me. Clearly, he also found the idea incredibly funny, probably for a different reason than Felix.
"Well, nice of her," I replied to Felix. "It might get a bit embarrassing, but since it's for a good cause, I think I can handle it," I smiled, now slightly embarrassed.
Suddenly, we were interrupted by the school bell; the break was over once again.
"Too soon," I complained, and then the three of us went back to the classroom. We had economics now, and coincidentally, Mr. Bergmüller was teaching.
He grinned at us mischievously, and with that look, I could suddenly imagine him as a teenager our age. Since I found that thought somehow funny—don't ask me why, but there are just people you don't believe were ever young—I had to grin as well.
"Good morning. Are you all looking forward to the weekend?" he began his lesson, earning a lot of nods in response. "Good, then you'll be pleased to know that we're doing a slightly different lesson today..." he continued, at which point I stared at him somewhat confused. This lesson? Oh no, not now, I thought. On the other hand, better than economics...
Apparently, I was almost the only one who was unaware, as everyone else was now looking at me with amusement, including Mr. Bergmüller himself.
"Hey, Paul, haven't you noticed yet?" he grinned at me again. I somehow felt like I wasn't being taken seriously.
"Um..." I said very cleverly before Anna, our class representative, thankfully rescued me.
"Sorry Paul, I waited until you were briefly away before I asked the class if we want to have a lesson about homosexuality. It was supposed to be a surprise..." she winked at me. "I already arranged it with Mr. Bergmüller the day before yesterday, right after you... you know."
"Well, Anna just told us what today's lesson is about," Mr. Bergmüller continued. "What do you all know about the topic?" he asked the class, prompting several people to raise their hands. They were clearly determined to give economics no chance today.
The lesson turned out to be quite pleasant; many classmates could contribute something to the topic, and since it was kept quite general, it didn't feel like it was just about me, which would have been more embarrassing.
"It's great that you're all so well-informed; that's perhaps the most important thing. Prejudices and stereotypes only have a chance when people are not familiar with the topic," Mr. Bergmüller explained. "And it's especially important to know that being gay or lesbian is not a choice. Right, Paul?" he looked at me questioningly. I really hated being called out of nowhere during class, but at least this time I knew the answer.
"No, it's not. On the contrary, it can take a long time before you can even admit it to yourself. At least that was the case for me..." I replied.
"Could you maybe tell us a bit about that so the others can better imagine what it's like?" he asked me. Why do teachers always have to use such sneaky tricks to get you to talk? But okay, why not; it was actually a good opportunity.
I told how I had tried for two years to convince myself that I was into girls, even though it had been quite obvious all along that this was not the case. How I had come up with more and more absurd arguments as to why I couldn’t possibly be gay, and how I had forced myself to look at girls instead of boys.
“And only when it became so clear that I really could no longer deny it to myself, did I start to inform myself about the topic, and little by little, I lost my fear. Recently, I was finally at the point where I could accept that I am gay,” I concluded.
“Thank you, Paul,” Mr. Bergmüller replied kindly. “You see, it was probably hardest for him to accept it himself—many don’t even suspect such things; they think it’s a conscious decision and don’t understand how one can simply be gay. Well, does anyone else here want to share their experiences with it?”
Excuse me? Did he just seriously ask if there was anyone in the classroom who was still in the closet and wanted to share their experiences as a homosexual? Well, this could get interesting. I felt the entire class fall into a curious silence, eager not to miss anything.
I secretly glanced at Simon to see his reaction. He seemed to be thinking. I could imagine what was going through his mind, as on the one hand, this was the perfect opportunity to come out to the class. But on the other hand, why actually? We only had this one school year left, and it was really nobody’s business whom one was attracted to. Personally, I don’t think I would have voluntarily come out at school if someone else hadn’t done it for me.
However, there is some truth to the fact that coming out feels significantly liberating; you can be who you really are. And Simon and I wouldn’t have had to hide our relationship anymore…
I believe that one could fill hours of lectures with the pros and cons of coming out in different places and in front of different people, but Simon seemed to have made up his mind.
“It was actually similar for me as it was for Paul…” he replied, deliberately casual, to Mr. Bergmüller’s question, causing the entire class, including the teacher, to look at him in astonishment, speechless, almost aghast. I could understand them; it doesn’t happen often that two classmates come out as gay within a week. It was still a funny sight. Mr. Bergmüller was the first to regain his composure and smiled knowingly. Felix, on the other hand, was not quite there yet; he just looked at me in disbelief, as if to say, “Did you know this?” I couldn’t help it; I just had to grin. Lukas, however, with whom Simon had also been in class and friends during middle school, didn’t seem very surprised. “I was wondering when you would finally tell me…” he just grinned at his buddy, prompting Simon to look at him questioningly.
The rest of the class also seemed to slowly recover, and the astonished silence shifted into much talking, laughter, and general cheerfulness. It was, not surprisingly, very relaxed, which made me very happy for Simon. Finally, he turned to me and smiled widely, visibly relieved about everything. Then he turned back to Lukas, obviously to ask how he knew he was gay.
Meanwhile, Felix also attempted to question me about this surprising turn of events. “You knew this, right?” he began, still obviously very astonished. Well, until a week ago, our friend group in class consisted of four straight guys for him, and now he had learned that two of them were pretty gay, without him ever suspecting it.
“Yes, to be honest, I did…” I confessed. “And a little more…” I added, just for fun, to see him speechless. Besides, Simon and I now had no real reason to keep our relationship a secret from our friends anymore.
But before I could continue and completely blow Felix’s mind, Mr. Bergmüller came over to us. He could forget his lesson, if you could even call it that, because we were all way too confused. Apparently, he wasn’t upset about it; the lesson seemed to be a complete success for him as it was mainly about sensitizing us to this topic. That was definitely achieved by now. Instead, he probably wanted to have a conversation with us, in his capacity as a class teacher, of course, and certainly not because he was curious.
“Well, boys?” he started and sat on one of the tables next to us.
“Should Felix and I go somewhere else for a moment?” Lukas quickly asked, which Felix was obviously not thrilled about since he wanted to hear everything. I would have felt the same way…
“Not on my part, unless the two of them want to talk to me in private,” Mr. Bergmüller replied. “If you even want to talk?” he quickly added, seemingly not wanting to pressure us into anything.
“It's fine,” Simon answered both questions right away.
"Good. So, there isn't much left to say, because obviously no one in the class seems to have a problem with this. I just wanted to ask you, if there should ever be difficulties at school, to come to me and tell me about them. It's important that you have support, because I can well imagine that it won't always be as easy as it is here and today. All the more, I am proud of you and of the class for having the courage to come out here!" With a nod, Mr. Bergmüller indicated that his speech was over. He smiled at us encouragingly one more time, we thanked him for the offered help, and then he left us alone with our curious friends.
I was the first to break the silence: "Hey Lukas, how did you know about Simon?" Yes, I admit it, I'm no less curious than the others...
"Well, I've known him for a few years and I just noticed that he not only never talks about girls or had a girlfriend, but he also never looked at them with interest like every other boy our age does. From there, it wasn't hard to follow his gaze. And how he always admired you in class, Paul..." Lukas said with a grin, causing Simon to stare at him in disbelief.
"You noticed that?" he stammered, clearly embarrassed and turning red. So sweet...
"Of course. And also how Paul stared back at him just as fascinated..." Lukas winked at me, making it my turn to blush. Lukas seemed to be a much better observer than I had thought.
"Paul's coming out didn't surprise me much, and I was almost a hundred percent sure about Simon." concluded our newly discovered class Sherlock. While Simon and I exchanged somewhat embarrassed smiles, Felix found his voice again.
"Wow, I would have never noticed." he said. "Why didn't you ever tell me anything?"
"I'm not Jan." Lukas grinned at him, causing all four of us to burst out laughing.
"Alright you two, stop looking so innocently and just tell us the truth..." Felix turned to us with a smile.
"Well, um..." I stammered a bit uncertainly, but Simon seemed to be less shy about it.
"To be honest, we only found out about each other on Monday." he confessed. "And we discovered that we actually both had feelings for each other..." Now he seemed a bit unsure about how much to share.
"Come on, stop making it so suspenseful! You're together, right?" Lukas interjected, sounding as if he already knew that. The way he grinned at us made it clear it wasn't really a question.
We were powerless against that. "Yes." I admitted. "But not so loud, we don't want everyone to know, okay?" I imagined that the whole class knowing we were a couple would be much more embarrassing than just telling them we were gay. I suspected that there had already been rumors about us, but we didn't have to confirm them right away.
"Of course. And congratulations." Felix grinned at me. He clearly meant it, which made me extremely happy. "That's cool, now I never have to worry about either of you stealing a girl from me." he added with a wink.
The remaining time in class was filled with a bit of chaos, with everyone talking and laughing among themselves, and Mr. Bergmüller made no further attempts to continue his lesson. He had achieved what he wanted.
As the four of us finally made our way towards the subway, a certain normality had returned, we were in a good mood and laughed a lot, but Felix and Lukas didn't seem to care much about what was happening with Simon and me anymore. That's how it should be, I thought to myself and smiled happily at Simon. In response, he briefly took my hand and squeezed it – it felt good to be able to do that so freely, without the fear of being discovered.
"You can feel free to kiss if you want..." Felix grinned at us, as always, when he saw us. Well, we didn't have to overdo it, so I just playfully punched him in the shoulder.
"It's something, that look in your eyes tonight
Like magic, it’s changing everything in sight
I hear it, all around me everyday
in the music that you play
This is a song about boys and girls
You hear it playing all over the world"
Once home, I threw myself onto my bed and listened to some music. Finally, the weekend! On one hand, I was happy because what had happened at school today felt liberating. Our friends had accepted our being gay and had no problems with Simon and me being together. We could finally be who we really are.
On the other hand, I was a bit afraid of what was to come. So far, it had always gone well when I told an important person in my life that I was gay. But what would have happened if it had gone wrong? In the worst case, a friendship could have broken because of it, which would have been a shame. But on the other hand, I could have done without friends who had problems with it anyway.
With my parents, it's something completely different. I couldn't just cut off contact or end the friendship if things went wrong. I was bound to them; they were my family, and they obviously meant much more to me than the best friendships. At that moment, I hoped so much that everything would turn out well this time too and that they could accept it.

Chapter 6
"It hurts too much to face the truth
To face the truth"
It was Friday evening, we had just eaten, and my sister Marie had just gone back to her room. I would have preferred to do the same and postpone everything to the next day, but I knew that now was the right moment. If I didn't go through with it now, I would never do it.
I struggled to breathe evenly and calm myself, yet I continued to shake. Well, this could be something.
"Is something wrong, Paul?" my mother asked now, having noticed that I hadn't left yet. She smiled at me questioningly. I felt nauseous.
"Yes, um... I wanted to talk to you..." I stammered.
My father sat down on the couch and gestured for my mother and me to sit down as well. "Go on!" he urged me with a certain curiosity in his voice.
I stared at the candle burning on the coffee table in front of me. It suddenly seemed incredibly interesting. I just couldn't bring myself to look them in the eye.
"I... um... I'm gay." The words were barely more than a whisper, yet they were clearly audible, as the living room suddenly fell completely silent. I still stubbornly looked straight ahead, watching the irregular flickering of the candle flame.
My parents still hadn't said a word, and even though it was only a few seconds, it felt like the silence stretched on for minutes. Then they both suddenly stood up, came over to me, pulled me up from the sofa, and simply hugged me. We remained silent and stood there for a while, just the three of us. I heard my mother quietly start to cry. I felt myself gradually calming down through the embrace and stopped shaking. My father began to gently stroke my back. "It's okay," he murmured—his voice also sounded shaky. It took a few minutes before we broke the hug and sat down again.
"After all that we’ve been through
only tears can tell the truth
I’m not crying just for you
I’m crying for me
Look around and see
I’m crying for all of us"
We sat together for a long time that evening and talked. After a while, I was also able to converse normally without shaking and stuttering. My parents, on the other hand, kept tearing up. They told me that they would always stand by me and that it was okay for them, but they just hadn't expected it, and therefore, in a way, all their plans and ideas for my future had been turned upside down in an instant. I could imagine that it was hard—they obviously needed time to come to terms with the thought. I didn't hold it against them; after all, I had taken two years to accept it myself.
Otherwise, things went pretty well; they had many questions about what it was like and how I had realized it, all of which I was able to answer well. Only when they asked if I was in love with someone did I hesitate a little. Would it be shocking to tell them that I had already found a boyfriend? In the end, I told them about Simon and me. My parents already knew Simon since he had been over at my place often lately, so they weren't too surprised that there was more to it. My mother's comment: "At least you have good taste, my son!" I was still relieved that my parents had initially met Simon as just a normal friend of mine and that he had already made a good first impression on them—who knows how it would have been if they had seen him as gay from the start...
After three hours of conversation with Mom and Dad, I went to bed pretty exhausted but happy. Yes, it had been strange at first, and of course, they weren't thrilled, but they accepted it anyway, and in the end, we had even been able to make jokes about it again.
I still couldn't believe it: Less than two days ago, I could barely admit to myself that I was gay, and now both my friends and classmates as well as my parents knew—and no one really had a problem with it. And then there was Simon, the boy of my dreams, with whom I had come together so unexpectedly. All of this was almost too good to be true!
"See the tension in your face
Feel the nerves when we embrace
What emotions do you hide?
All those years of silent thought
betrayed by those whose help you sought
exiled, lost and forced inside
If you want me, I will listen to your words
The dreams you have deferred, the battles fought
If it helps to take me to those dark extremes
the meaning of your dreams, the way you’ve thought
Just talk, I’m listening"
The next morning, I received a WhatsApp from Simon. Eagerly, I opened it and was extremely surprised by what I read.
"Wow! I just came out to my parents too, I still can't quite believe it! How did it go for you?"
Was it all just a dream, or could it really be that there was one positive news after another at the moment? I was really happy for Simon and thrilled that we no longer had to hide from anyone.
“Wow, very cool! Congratulations! I had a good time too!” I wrote back to him.
“Glad to hear! By the way, my parents want to meet you! null” came the reply. Well, not just his parents, mine were also eager to scrutinize him now that they knew who he really was. This could get interesting.
We chatted for a while longer before I finally managed to get up and go to the bathroom. When I returned, I saw another message from Simon.
“Would you like to come over to my place today?” it said, along with a heart. I smiled before quickly replying with a “Yes.” So far, we had always met at my place since my parents were usually not home during the day, so I was even more excited that we could now easily meet at his place without pretending.
It turned out to be a wonderful day, and I would describe the meeting with Simon's parents as very successful. They were both really nice to me, and if they had any issues with their son bringing home a boyfriend just a few hours after coming out, they certainly hid it extremely well. As a layperson, I would say that their facial expressions and body language expressed nothing but joy and positive curiosity. Maybe they had suspected it for a while – as we had learned in the past few days, this happens with some people.
And then there were the moments Simon and I spent alone together, which significantly contributed to making this day particularly special. I’ll leave it at that.
Anyway, at some point, a certain permanent grin had settled on my face, which wouldn’t disappear anytime soon.
“Sometimes someone gets upset
doesn’t hear the laughter
takes it as a threat
but it’s different after
After the event
looks like someone’s smiling
happy to be here
Blue skies, heaven-sent”