Chapter 1
I'm turning 16 in two weeks and I hate it. Back then I swore to myself I'd never be a gay virgin again, and I still fucking am!!!!
I'm depressed – I know what I am, but I just don't have the courage to tell anyone, let alone make out with another guy. Everyone around me seems to be straight – I don't know who I can trust to tell me I'm gay – not just that I think it, but that I KNOW it!
None of my classmates would understand that. They secretly smuggle their father's heterosexual porn magazines into school and hide in groups to look at the pictures and brag about what they would do with the naked women lying around there, with their tits and legs spread wide and their hairy, flabby vaginas, which don't turn me on at all.
The only thing that turned me on was the images of the men, who were hard and ready to fuck! On the rare occasions when they let me into their group, none of the other guys knew what really turned me on. I felt like I could share their horny, immature excitement, but I knew I got hard for a different reason.
I saw them fiddling with their dicks under their clothes, imagining they could make these women moan. That turned me on more than anything, but I had to keep it all to myself. Damn, I wish I had someone I could confide in—anyone at all! I know I can't be the only gay guy in school, but how do you even know if someone else is? I know I'm not girly and I don't talk when I'm high.
I know there are a few girls who like me and even flirt with me—but I don't want to go there. It only leads to trouble, I know it. I don't trust any of them. I feel guilty for having these thoughts, but they don't go away, they only get stronger.
I know my body is in good shape for my age compared to the others in my class. I'm tall and broader than most of the boys; the coach says I have a real swimmer's body. I notice this when we have swimming lessons at the pool and I compare my body to the others. But I'm envious that some of them have underarm hair and even stubble above their lip or on their chin. I hardly have any, and even though I shave almost every day, there's still nothing left to shave off. I've been told that shaving all the time encourages hair growth, but it just doesn't work.
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Today, after our swimming competition, I hung around in the school showers. I knew it was risky, but I couldn't help myself. It's my only chance to see other naked boys my age. Two boys were just standing there naked, drying themselves off while chatting and laughing, not shy or embarrassed, sometimes even waving their penises around without thinking. Normally, I get in and out as quickly as possible and try not to look because I know I'll get a hard-on if I stay around too long.
But today I stayed, took a long time to dry myself, and watched them. So natural and confident, being naked. One boy lifted a leg on the bench to dry himself between his legs. I noticed everything, but I had to try not to be too obvious and notice before they realized I'd grown a bit or stayed around too long!
That evening I masturbated in bed and tried to imagine what their hard penises looked like.
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Today at school there was a presentation about anti-discrimination, including for gay people. The other boys in the class just laughed. I hid in the corner. It's all well and good to have rules, but what if nobody follows them? I've seen some of the really effeminate guys get insulted and even bullied, but nobody does anything about it. I stay away from them. I don't want people associating me with them. I'm not even like them. I want a masculine boy who's discreet... like me.
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Tonight, Mom watched a soap opera on TV, and there was a young gay couple kissing. She just said loudly to Grandma, "Look at that, it's disgusting. Those homosexuals only have themselves to blame, and they're all going to hell." Grandma didn't say anything, she just looked at me and seemed to see right through me, as if she knew "what I am," but she didn't want to start an argument with Mom. I don't have the courage to tell Grandma—she's just too old to really understand!
As for Dad, he's the person I'd most like to tell, BUT I know he just wouldn't understand and, as far as I know, would disown me. I mean, he's never said anything homophobic, but he's never said anything nice about her either.
He always comes to my swimming competitions and is really proud when I do well. He coached me in tennis for a few years until I gave up and disappointed him when I did, and that close bond we had, I think, kind of disappeared.
Again and again, after a swimming competition or when it was just the two of us, he would ask me if I had a girlfriend. He never said, "If there's something on your mind, you can tell me." He simply assumed I was straight, and frankly, it's just too scary to tell him I'm not!
I've always admired Dad. He's always in charge, always knows the answers, is in top shape, and used to be a great rugby and tennis player. He's muscular and so hairy that hairs are constantly sticking out of his open shirt.
I've seen so many of the other mothers nudge each other when they see him, as if they're whispering, "He's such a sexy guy." I'm not sure Dad is sexy, but... I have to admit, he's a handsome, really fit guy—someone like I want to be when I grow up.
Shit – I might as well admit it while I'm writing it here!! HE IS SEXY!!!
I'm trying to figure out what this actually means, but I know I'm trying to spy on this body whenever I get the chance. I've seen him naked a few times already. And that's something! I don't think my dick will ever get as big as Daddy's!
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