“When we touch, it's an explosion every time! I want to live forever with you, our love makes us free... I love you!” Chris said to me with shining eyes. I looked at him, into his hazel eyes. We were on our hunting chair in the middle of a green meadow! The moon was shining brightly on the earth.
“The moon is reflected in your eyes, little one, you are beaming at me,” Chris added in a soft voice, took my hands and kissed me. Now I knew what he meant by explosion, I felt warm and cold. I felt comfortable in his arms, very comfortable. Together we looked at the stars.
“Do you see the Big Dipper, little one?” I looked up and searched, but couldn't find it.
“Where is it?”
“There! See the three stars that form a kind of stem, with the Big Dipper hanging below them!” He pointed to the sky with his finger. I followed him and now I recognized it too. We held each other tightly again, then he turned away from me. I don't know what he wanted to do, but he leaned against the wooden railing of the hunting chair.
“Be careful, don't do a swan dive and make me drive you to the hospital!”
“Don't worry, I'll be fine!” he replied, leaning over even further. I heard a crack and Chris lost his balance. He fell headfirst down. I ran to the broken railing. It started to rain, thunder and storm. There was no longer a meadow below us. Chris plunged into a large dark hole. I could only scream...
“Chris... Chris... Chris...!”
“Martin... Martin... Martin... Martin...!“ I heard it sound upwards.
“Martin... Martin... Martin...!” I woke up bathed in sweat.
“Martin... Martin... Hey... Martin!“ I sat up. It was just a dream. I had to take a deep breath first.
“Martin... hello... Martin!” my door burst open and André came in!
“Martin, man. Are you hard of hearing? Come with me, you'll definitely like this!” He looked at me more closely...
“Are you crying?”
I wiped away the tear that ran down my cheek. “No, it's because I was asleep until just now!” I didn't want to tell him that I had dreamt of Chris. It was at least as hard for him to get over Chris's death as it was for me.
“Yes, then come with me... I want to show you something!” With difficulty, I pushed aside my blanket and got up. André led me down the two flights of stairs and opened the garden door.
“Cool, isn't it?” he said, putting both hands on his hips and looking at me. I looked at him first, then I looked into the garden! Wide-eyed, I watched the snow falling gently. It was beautiful, especially because the garden led to a forest. The trees, the grass, everything was white and it continued to snow.
“I knew you would like it. It didn't escape me that you think snow is great,” said André, taking a few steps in the garden. With each of his steps, with his mega skate shoes, I heard the snow crack, which I liked so much. I was so lost in thought that it took a snowball that André threw at my head, sending the rest of the snowball flying into the hallway and leaving a few small puddles, to wake me up.
“Just you wait, you'll get it back!” I ran into the garden and grabbed him.
“Have you showered today?” was my last question before I got hold of him and lathered him up vigorously. André could only snort and the garbled words that were supposed to mean ‘stop it’ didn't stop me from continuing. But what prevented me was the fact that I was still in boxer shorts and a T-shirt. Oops... I had completely forgotten. I was wondering why my legs were so wet, even though I had soaped him up.
BIBBER BIBBER.
I quickly went up to my room, taking care not to slip on the puddles of melting snow.
“You'll pay for that!” I heard just before I closed my door and packed my clothes for the day. Then it was off to the shower. I fixed my hair in front of the mirror and then went down for breakfast.
“You want to have breakfast at 10 a.m.? Forget it, make yourself a bowl of cornflakes!” were Sandra's words, which I got to hear after my idea. So I went into the kitchen, well, I had no choice. I really felt more comfortable after Sandra and I moved in with Frank. Only one person is missing here, someone I loved very much.
“What are you doing here?“ André asked me teasingly, sitting at the table and also eating a portion of cornflakes. You could tell from his face that he had been through a wild battle.
“That's none of your business!” I replied.
It's just our normal way of dealing with each other. We sometimes throw really harsh words at each other, but we can never be angry. He is the brother I never had, and I guess I'm his Chris now. But no matter how hard I tried, would I be able to do it? Did I want to do it? No, I'm not Chris and André knew that. He just grew up with his brother and now he saw me as his real brother.
I took the milk out of the fridge and got a plate.
“We're out of cornflakes. I've got the last ones on my plate!” my little brother said with his mouth full and a big grin on his face.
“Think again!“ I went to the pantry, where I always hid my favorite cereal, and snatched the Nesquick box.
“Where did you get that?” André asked protestingly when he saw what I was putting in my plate.
“That, on the other hand, is none of your business!” I replied this time.
André left the kitchen angrily and stuck out his tongue at me before going into the living room. I mean, at 17 years old, he's still very childish. All right, I guess it's not really the job of a 21-year-old to soap up his little brother in boxer shorts and a T-shirt in the morning hours, but that was just revenge.
I now finished my cornflakes with relish and slurped the cocoa from my plate. I looked at the clock hanging above the calendar to the left of the dinette. 12:45! Oops. Didi was supposed to pick me up at 1:00. We were going to bake all the Christmas cookies together today. I lit a cigarette and went into the living room, sat down in the armchair and watched a cartoon with André. Some small cacti were trying to catch some kind of monster caterpillar. Very amusing and educationally valuable. I had to smile.
“If you don't like the program, then leave!” It seemed as if André was still angry.
“Yeah, you'll be rid of me in 10 minutes,“ I replied, continuing to watch the cacti, which were now trying to throw a net over the caterpillar.
“Where do you want to go?” I finally gathered from the brief silence that had fallen.
“I'm going to Basti's with Didi. We want to bake cookies!”
“Hey, then I can definitely come with you, right?”
“I still have to think about that.”
“Oh, come on. Yes?”
I tried to persuade him that Didi's car had a flat tire and therefore only two people could ride in the car, otherwise the other tire would also lose air, but I hit a brick wall.
“You're crazy! That excuse is really stupid!”
When André and I looked at each other, we both started to laugh out loud. Apparently, he had also imagined it visually, how something like that could look.
“I'll ask Didi, OK?” I finally said and André nodded his head.
“Now take your plate to the kitchen, we'll be picked up any minute!”
André rushed up, took his plate and ran to the kitchen. I looked at the TV again. Somehow I didn't understand the whole story with the cacti and the caterpillar. Now they had caught it and then they released it again? Strange game. I tapped my forehead, turned off the TV and went to the hallway closet when the doorbell rang. No, the bell hadn't been replaced, not even at my urgent request. It still sounds as if a whole regiment is attacking. But you get used to it. André jumped from the kitchen to the front door and opened it.
“Oh, it's cold outside!“ Said Didi, entering the hallway with bright red cheeks and a red nose. She still hasn't come down from her ‘goth trip’. But it has already improved. The dress or cape from back then has already been donated to the used clothing drive.
“Are you ready to go or what?” She asked me.
“Of course I am! Just put on my jacket and I'm ready to go.”
André tapped me on the shoulder.
“Oh Didi! Can André come too?”
“Sure, but only if you carry the baking stuff in,” Didi said to André, who would have stolen Saturn's tire to come with us. It was always great for him to be with older people. And soon he would be part of the gang, too. He was the only hip-hopper in our group, though. Everyone else listened to techno, well, except Didi, she listened to her goth stuff. But somehow we always managed to listen to the right music so that everyone got something out of it.
“Can we go?” Didi's words were unambiguous, which André also noticed. He quickly put on his jacket and went to the Fiesta. I took mine off the coat rack and put it on. Didi leaned towards me and spoke in a low voice: ”Boy, what Basti did again yesterday...”
“What did he do this time?” I asked, more or less surprised, because anyone who knew Didi knew that it would be about sex or men. Well, in this case it was probably more about sex. I guessed that it was about a position that the two of them might have tried again.
“Well, yesterday we tried a new position...”
Bingo, I thought to myself!
“...and Basti went wild like a bull. But I'll tell you later!” she said, waving our short conversation away with her hand.
Baking cookies was less turbulent, with the exception of André getting the dough thrown in his face by Basti, the kitchen looking like a bomb had hit it, and Didi nagging me about her position. But it had been quite fun, and I noticed again and again how attached André was to Basti. It seemed to me as if he saw his brother in every older male being. He used to be quite different.
The biscuits, OK I admit it, I burned some, tasted very delicious despite everything. Didi and I finally cleaned up the kitchen and we all watched a video.
“Sister Act???,” Basti asked.
Didi's face turned into a grin. I secretly wondered how “goths” and church videos could go together, but quickly abandoned the thought. André turned on the TV and Basti finally inserted the video.
“We're a good team!”
It was always funny how Whoopy, aka Dolores, tried to get the microphone off the holder.
It was getting dark outside. In the light of the streetlamps, you could see the snow falling slowly from the window.
The movie was finally over. André and I packed our biscuits in Tupperware bowls and stuffed them into a bag.
“Time to go!” I said. André looked sad. He would have liked to have stayed longer, but I thought that enough was enough.
Didi fought her way through the snow with her car and skidded a few times, but thank God nothing happened.
“As nice as the snow is, it's not particularly suitable for driving,“ Didi said when we arrived at André and I's house.
“Maybe you should swap the tires for skis,” André said jokingly. Didi grinned at the back seat.
“Well, let's get going,“ I said. My little brother and I got out, hugged Didi goodbye and went into the house. We took off our jackets and hung them on the coat rack. The cookies migrated from the kitchen to the living room by themselves, ending up in Sandra's lap.
“But these are dark...burnt?” she asked.
“They're Andrés!” I said jokingly. Of course, he tried hard to defend himself, and with success, because what the mother can't do so well, the son can't do much better either, where I thought of cheesecake. Sandra was watching ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire’! When I saw the TV, I remembered the cacti and the monster caterpillar again. I smiled briefly.
“It's a good thing you're back already,“ Sandra interrupted my daydreaming.
“It's snowing harder and harder. You might not have made it back here!” She looked at me expectantly, shoving another burnt cookie into her mouth.
“We would have crashed at Didi and Basti's,” I said.
Sandra grimaced, “Boy, oh boy. How long did you leave those in the oven, Martin? It tastes like coal!” André laughed and pointed to his baked cookies, which, of course, were the best there were.
“Try these!” he said. I ran to my mom and took my cookies away from her. ”If you don't like them, I'll take them upstairs!”
“Enjoy your meal!” I got as an answer. How bold!!! I took the blue Tupperware bowl and went up the stairs to my room. The hallway of the first floor was equipped with windows that allowed me to see parts of our city outside. A string of lights adorned the windows through which I looked. I stopped and looked outside. I turned off the hallway light and unplugged the Christmas lights from the socket. How beautiful it was outside. In the truest sense of the song, the snow was slowly falling over roofs, benches, gardens and on cars parked in their spaces. All the windows were decorated with fairy lights like we had or with flashing stars. I particularly liked the window of our neighbor, Mrs. Schulze. A nativity scene and the people in it graced it. Somehow I felt sorry for her. Especially at Christmas, you want the partner you love by your side. She no longer had one, living in a large two-story house that her husband had bought back then.
Actually, a family with children could easily have been accommodated there, then she would not always be so alone. Her husband had died several years ago and her children lived in Denmark. Actually, it's not that far to visit your mother.
Well, I wasn't necessarily any different from her. Okay, I didn't have children, but I also missed the man I loved more than anything. And then I remembered my dream. How Chris spoke to me, what he told me and how he fell. I secretly wished he were there, hadn't tried to kill himself back then.
I shook myself, put the plug back where it belonged, turned on the hall light and ran up the nearest stairs to my room. When I arrived in the hallway, I automatically looked in the direction of Chris's old room. I quickly turned my gaze away and went into my realm. As always, it looked a bit messy here. I was just about to sit down on my blue couch when I bumped into a stack of books lying on my table, causing it to fall to the floor. I picked them up and put them in the cupboard. How I hated disorder myself. I sat down again and looked at the table again to see if anything wanted to make use of the law of gravity. And then I saw the book. My book, no, Chris' book. That André gave me shortly after his death. “Martin and Chris, the perfect couple”
I took it and held it close to my chest. On the way to Chris' room, I didn't think about anything. Sometimes I still smelled his perfume in this room, although that can't be anymore. Everything is still there as he left it. And that was very hard for me. I entered this room only very rarely. I sat down on his desk chair and opened the book.
“Martin, this is a gift for you! I bet you're wondering why I'm giving you something, aren't you? Because I love you. Martin, I can't tell you enough how much I love you, and that's why I tried to express my feelings for you in poetry...”
I stopped reading. It hurt... a lot. I looked back at the book with wet eyes.
“Enjoy reading. Your Chris.”
I turned the page and quickly scanned the poems. His handwriting was, as they say, that of a typical boy. Difficult to decipher, but I didn't care much about that.
The door moved.
“Martin?“ I heard a soft voice.
I wiped the tears from my cheeks and closed the book.
“Can I come in?”
The door opened further.
“Sure, André, come in!” I said with a trembling voice.
André looked at me and then at the book lying on my lap. André sat down on the yellow couch, where there were still CDs lying that Chris had put there. He took my hand.
Silence fell.
“I think of him often, too!“ André finally said in a quiet voice and squeezed my hand a little harder. I sensed that it affected him, too, every time he entered Chris's former room.
“Where is our eternity that he promised me?” I asked, my eyes unable to hold back the water. My stomach clenched.
“She's always around you. He's always with you and loves you forever. I know that.”
“Sometimes, before I fall asleep, I think he's standing next to my bed looking at me. But when I open my eyes, he's not there.”
André looked at the floor. “I often have that feeling too. But I don't open my eyes. I feel that he is there and taking care of me. He takes care of all of us. He is always with us.”
I held André tightly and started to cry.
“He won't want us to just live in the past!” André said after he left the room. ‘We live in the now and today!’ I caught another glimpse of him and thought I saw a tear in his eye as well. As playful as André was for his age, on the other hand, he was also very mature. I stayed in the room a little longer until I went to my bed and fell asleep.
“Yes, of course, Mrs. Schulze. Why not? I mean, then you have another task, don't you?”
“Yes, and I'm also glad that it worked out.”
I woke up. Sleepily, I staggered to my bedroom window to see who was out there in the early morning and already had so much to tell. The closer I got to the window, the louder I heard the sound of snow shovels, which left a loud scratching sound with every push. The sun was already shining brightly in the sky. Individual clouds embellished the sky with funny figures. I looked down at the street and saw Sandra talking to Mrs. Schulze. I tilted my window to hear what they were saying.
“Where did they come from?”
“From a small town near Berlin.”
“And why do they want to move here?”
“Oh, I haven't asked them that yet. You know, when you get older, you're happy to have at least someone else in the house. Being alone all the time isn't really that great, is it? It's always enough for me to hear footsteps from above. Besides, nobody knows what's buzzing through our streets at night, and it's not easy for an old lady either.”
“Yes, Mrs. Schulze, and now at Christmas time, you don't want to be alone after all.”
I closed the window again. Apparently Mrs. Schulze's children are coming down for Christmas after all. I'm happy for her. I turned away from the window and sat down on my couch. The table was still covered with all kinds of odds and ends, and I lit a cigarette. The smoke made its way to the ceiling, dissolving into nothing halfway up.
“Martin? You awake?“ I heard him call into my room.
“Well, if I wasn't awake before, I am now!” I said. “Come in, André!”
The door opened and he came in.
“Have you heard the news about Mrs. Schulze?” he asked excitedly.
“Yes, her kids are coming down for Christmas, aren't they?”
“No, no, no.”
Why was he so excited? “Not? Who then?”
“We're getting new neighbors!” he said, wide-eyed.
“Oh. Well, then Mrs. Schulze is no longer so alone,” I said soberly.
“Aren't you curious to see who they are?” André looked at me with wide eyes, his question mark over his head was easy to see.
“No, you'll see. It's probably an older couple or something.”
“Nah, nah. I heard something about a family with two kids. I was just listening at the window. Sandra was talking to Mrs. Schulze.”
Another spy, I thought to myself and started grinning.
André went downstairs, apparently to squeeze Sandra for information. I jumped in the shower and finally went to the kitchen. This time I made myself cornflakes.
“Have you heard that we're getting new neighbors?” Sandra asked me as I poured the milk into my plate.
“Yes, for the third time!” I said, annoyed.
“They're arriving today. Later this evening. But I think they won't arrive until nighttime. I mean, with these roads... It's all full of snow. And then from Berlin to here. Then good night. I wouldn't feel like it.”
Yes, I could well imagine that, because when it came to Sandra's car, she usually saw red. In winter, the good piece was usually parked in the parking lot in front of the house. And if I only dared to ask if I could have it, then I could hear something. She had gotten that from her mother, because if I wanted to watch TV at my grandma's, it couldn't be for too long, because the TV could get hot and explode...
“They're here!!! Look...!“ André shouted, standing in the hallway.
“André, don't shout so loudly, they might hear you,” Sandra said, but she also ran into the hallway to see who the neighbors were. I, on the other hand, remained calm, ate my flakes and enjoyed the silence that fell because both of them were standing in front of the window. Behind the curtain, of course.
“I'm just wondering why they're here so early,“ Sandra asked, still sniffing behind the curtain.
“They probably left yesterday so that they would arrive this morning,” André replied, now daring to push the curtain aside a little, but Sandra quickly tapped him on the fingers and pulled the white cloth back. “If someone sees us...”
I put the plate in the dishwasher and finally sat down at my PC to copy a few songs onto it. It wasn't long before I heard a few steps coming towards my door. There was a knock.
“Yeah!” I said, bored.
“It's only me,” Sandra said, coming in. ‘It's about time to clean up, isn't it?’ she said after a penetrating look that wandered through my entire room.
I looked at her annoyed and she didn't go into the subject in more detail.
“I wanted to ask you if you could quickly run to the pharmacy. I need a couple of aspirin. I have a hell of a headache today. Must be the weather.”
I didn't even have the slightest desire to go to the pharmacy right now, but if I said no, she would start with the typical “So that's the thanks I get for doing your laundry and running the household” and the worst part for me was that she was right.
“I'll be done with the music in a minute, then I'll go, OK?”
“All right. I'll leave the money on the kitchen table.” She said and left.
It took a while before Scooter's tramp was on my hard drive. Meanwhile, I lit a cigarette and laced up my Bufallos. The song was finished and so was Martin. I went down to the dressing room and put on my jacket, took the money from the kitchen table and set off.
I had barely opened the door when I felt the cold wind passing by. It smelled like winter. Right in front of me, I saw Mrs. Schulze's house. A furniture truck was standing in front of it. It somehow took up the whole street, because there was no space to drive to the side, because there were all the snowdrifts. Many workers were carrying pieces of furniture and boxes upstairs. I couldn't tell whether the red cheeks on the workers were from the cold or from the work. I stood there for a while, hoping to see one of my new neighbors, but it was always just the workers who were bringing this and that into the house. Dressed all in blue, they carried boxes and carried cabinets into Frau Schulze's house. A Combi suddenly stopped next to me. I looked over. It was Frank. Thank God the way to the garage had been cleared, otherwise he would have been annoyed that there were two healthy children in the household who were on vacation and had done nothing... He got out...
“Hey Martin, I'm surprised to see you again.”
“Well, when you're on vacation, you tend to sleep a little longer than usual. Didn't you have the night shift too?”
“Yeah, you're right. Then I must have slept when you were awake,” he said jokingly. ”Where are you going in this cold?”
“I'm going to get aspirin for your partner.”
“It's pretty stupid when you're as sensitive to the weather as your mother, isn't it? Why doesn't André do it?”
I thought about it. It's true, actually. Why doesn't André do it? But now I didn't care. Now that I was out, I might as well go myself. Besides, I liked the snow anyway, only the cold made me flinch a little.
“Oh well, it doesn't matter. I can walk myself,” I said indifferently. ‘Besides, André is probably busy watching the new neighbors unpack! He's been sitting behind the window the whole time,’ I added quietly.
Frank laughed. ”Let's see what he's up to. I'm going inside first to check everything's okay, and I'm freezing anyway. Hopefully it won't freeze during the night.”
He unlocked the door and let it fall shut behind him. I briefly considered lighting up a cigarette, but I preferred to keep my hands in my pockets. I slowly began my little trek to the pharmacy, passing all the people shoveling snow to clear their driveways or yards. It didn't take long to realize that the sidewalks were a bit slippery here and there, but I managed to avoid slipping on the Seifert family's fence, and I was able to grab hold of it just in time. However, I almost caught my finger in the spur, but I managed to pull it out quickly.
When I arrived at the pharmacy, I got the aspirin for my mom and started my way back. I turned around briefly and thought about going to the supermarket, which was just a short distance away from the pharmacy, to get a pack of cigarettes, but I ultimately decided on the cigarette vending machine on the way home.
Finally, I was overcome by lung longing and I lit a fag. What you don't endure just to smoke one, I thought to myself and looked at my hand. Red with cold and after a while I couldn't even feel my fingers anymore.
I stopped at the cigarette machine and rummaged through my jacket pockets for six marks. I put a fiver and a mark in the machine, pressed Lucky, took the pack, took a step straight ahead and then it happened. Lying on the floor, I looked up at the sky.
“Hey, careful. It's pretty slippery outside. Can I help you? Take my hand!”
As if in a total blackout, I could now only think of Emily's party, where I met Chris. The current situation seemed so familiar to me, only this time it wasn't Denise Fuß, but the slipperiness on the streets that made me fall.
“Come on, otherwise you'll catch your death down there on the cold ice!”
I took the hand and gasped.
“Well, that's much better, otherwise you would have got a wet ass!”
Only now did I realize who was pulling me out of the embarrassing situation. It was a boy, a handsome boy, about 23 years old. Now, of course, the situation was even more embarrassing for me. The only strange thing was that I didn't know him, because here everyone actually knew everyone, at least by sight.
“Does that happen to you often?“ the boy grinned at me.
“No, not really. I was lost in thought,” I tried to get out of it.
“Then next time you'd better keep your mind on what you're doing! Can't be that hard for a smoker to get cigarettes out of a vending machine, can it?” he said with a grin, continuing in the direction of the grocery store without waiting for an answer. I watched him go and finally continued on as well.
When I arrived home, I put the aspirin on the coffee table for my mom.
“And what's it like outside? Did you meet anyone?“ I heard Sandra ask from the kitchen.
“It's pretty cold outside... and slippery,” I said, laughing.
The kitchen door opened and Sandra leaned against the doorframe. She was holding a dough scraper...
“Why are you laughing like that? Did you fall down or what?” she asked.
“Yes, by the cigarette machine. Well, it was also slippery there,“ I said, while I took off my jacket, which I hung on the coat rack.
“Then I'm warned. I want to see Mrs. Öhne later,” she replied, while she leaned her foot against the door so that it wouldn't close.
“Once again for coffee gossip or what?”
“Of course. Let's see what's new in the area.”
“You can't rely on what's being said anyway. Remember Andrea Henniges? She broke her leg and you told me that she was fighting for her life. But what are you doing with that dough scraper anyway?”
“Well Martin, what do you do with it?“ Sandra looked at me as if I knew nothing about anything. She swung the dough scraper in her hand from left to right.
“Yes, I see. Scrape dough,” I defended myself against her gaze.
“I'm making cheesecake for later. After all, I have to bring something to the coffee,“ she said, ending our conversation by going back to the kitchen and finally shutting the door behind her, when André came stumbling towards me from the stairs.
“Well, were you out and about?” he asked with a fake laugh.
“Yes I was. If you're too lazy...”
“Wait a minute. Nobody asked me. Besides, I already took out the trash yesterday! And what are you digging around in your jacket pocket for?”
He always had to notice everything. I'm desperately searching in the pockets of my brown neoprene jacket for my Luckys...
“I'm just looking for my cigarettes that I just bought and then I'll disappear in my room to play a round of Monopoly with me?”
I don't know why I came up with that, but I felt like playing something with André again. I always thought it was too funny when he lost. He always got so upset and then he usually crashed the whole game into some corner...
“We can do that.”
“Shit!”
“What?”
I kept digging through my pockets, but there were no cigarettes to be found.
“I must have lost my cigs. Probably when I slipped.”
“What are you?“ André asked, laughing. I think he wanted to make fun of me now, but I didn't have time for that. I put my jacket back on and ran out the door.
“They're gone anyway!” I heard André call as I made my way to the vending machine. I walked down our street quickly but carefully.
“Hey?”
I hoped that they were still lying there, but I was already getting used to the idea of buying new ones.
“Hello! Hey! Wait a minute?”
I looked behind me and blushed. It was the guy who helped me get up earlier.
I looked at him questioningly.
“Well, finally! Were you lost in thought again?” he grinned.
“Yes, I want to go to the vending machine. I have...”
“Lost the cigarettes?“ he interrupted me, taking a pack of Luckys out of his pocket.
“Exactly...” I said in amazement.
“Here you go,” he said, pressing the pack into my hands.
“I turned around to see if you were on the ground again, and that's when I saw them. But you were already too far away, so I didn't want to yell after you.”
“That's really sweet... Thanks.”
He smiled at me. “Am I right in assuming that you're quite a dreamer?” He grinned and raised his right eyebrow.
“Well, not really, but sometimes you just have things you can't handle. Say, I've never seen you here before. Are you visiting for Christmas or what?” I finally asked him.
“Well, you couldn't say it like that. I've recently started living at Brannteweg 3.” I was quite amazed when I heard that, because after all, I lived at Brannteweg 4.
“Then you live above Frau Schulze, don't you?”
“Yes, if that's the landlady's name? An older lady with frizzy gray hair. But she seems quite nice.”
“With glasses on her nose that seem much too big for her?”
“Yes exactly!”
“That's right, that's Mrs. Schulze. So you're one of our new neighbors.”
He was quite amazed when I told him that.
“Great coincidence,” he said, and gave me his hand again. It was nice and warm because he had it in his pocket the whole time. ”My name is Jessy!”
“Martin,” I finally said. ”Where did you come from, anyway? You don't know your way around here, do you?”
“No, but my mother has already talked to several people and she found out that there is a Rewe supermarket nearby. She sent me to buy some things. Besides, I want to fill my fridge a bit too.”
“Don't you have one for everyone?” I asked, puzzled.
Jessy grinned. ‘Of course, but I live at the top, have my own apartment and my own fridge.”
“Oh,’ I said, laughing, only now noticing what beautiful blue eyes he had. ”Do you want to go home now, too? Then we can walk together.”
“Sure, we can do that.”
And then we set off. I felt very comfortable in his presence. There was something about him that I really liked. I don't know if it was his looks, his way of talking, or just his manner of presenting himself, or just a new friend, but I felt there was something about him that impressed me.
“Why did you move, anyway?”
“My dad has a new job here. Besides, he's always hated big cities. The great thing is that I already have a place here where I can continue my training.”
“What kind of training do you do?” I asked eagerly.
“Car mechanic. And what do you do?”
“I'm still going to school. I'm doing my A-levels in April.”
“So, here we are,” he said. ‘Would you like to come in with us?”
I looked at him in wonder. ’No, I don't think so. You guys probably have a lot of stress right now because of setting up and all. But another time would be nice.”
I looked at the workers, who were losing one bead of sweat after another. I was surprised that they didn't freeze into ice in this freezing cold. I really didn't need to walk around in it.
Jessy didn't change his expression.
“But if you feel like it, come to my place.”
“The house right across the street, right?” Jessy looked at it carefully and grinned. ”It's okay, I'll just quickly take the bags inside. I'll be right back.”
And he was. It didn't take long for him to be standing in front of me again. And how he stood there. Somehow very cute and sweet. I hadn't liked a boy that much in a long time. Somehow everything was right. Even his nose matched his face. He always angled his mouth to reflect his mood, I had noticed that by now.
We went to my home and when I unlocked the door, I noticed the strange smell of cheesecake. I stopped dead in my tracks. The thoughts in my head were racing. Cheesecake, car mechanic, kissing the ground. Was all this really a coincidence?
“Hey, do we want to stand here between the door and the hinge or have you changed your mind after all? ... Martin?”
“Yes, I mean no. No, I was just...”
“In thought!” Jessy interrupted me. ‘It's pretty easy to get to know you,’ he said jokingly. I just grinned at him and hoped that he didn't think I was crazy or unworldly or something. We went up the two flights of stairs to my room.
“Nice house!“ said Jessy, looking around at everything.
“You think so?”
“Yes, of course! It's all very tasteful.”
We went into my room.
“There you are at last. Where have you been?” André looked a bit taken aback when he saw Jessy standing in the doorway just behind me.
“I wasn't gone that long,“ I said. ‘On the way, I met Jessy. He's our new neighbor.”
Jessy grinned and shook hands with André.
“You already know my name...’ said my new handsome.
“André's my name!” he stuttered more or less to himself, rubbing one hand against the other.
“One of those skaters or am I wrong?”
“No, you're right,“ André replied shyly, not taking his eyes off the floor.
“Have a seat,” I finally said, pointing with my hand at the sofa and armchair. Jessy chose the armchair. He sat down and let one arm casually hang from the armrest.
“And you two get along?“ Jessy asked, probably to fill the brief silence.
“Yes, why not?” I asked and went to the display case, which was right next to the door on the right, to organize a few glasses. “Would you like something to drink too?”
“Yes, please. I'm just saying, because skaters and ravers don't necessarily get along.”
I looked at myself and I looked at André. Could you really generalize it like that? I wasn't quite sure if we could stand each other if Chris were still there, because I had the feeling that his death had brought us together.
“No, no. We get along fine. OK, there are one or two tussles, of course, but on the whole I can't complain about him.” Jessy nodded. “He could just let me sleep longer during the holidays,” I added jokingly and looked sternly at André.
Jessy laughed and lit a cigarette. “Oh, sorry, forgot to ask if you can smoke here!”
“It's okay. The ashtray is not here for fun,“ I said teasingly.
“What about Monopoly?” André asked. I was surprised that he spoke up now. Normally, the situation of a strange boy being in my room was a little creepy for him, but apparently he seemed to like him.
“We can do that tomorrow,” I said.
“Were you going to play Monopoly?” Jassy asked. ”I'd like that too.”
I was visibly surprised, but then my cell phone rang.
“Yes?”
“Hi, it's me, Nicki!”
“Hi! What's up?”
“We've decided to organize a small party at short notice. Do you want to join us?”
I looked over at Jessy and André, who had meanwhile set up the game and were having a great time. “I don't know...”
“Come on. The party is at Emily's in the party room. I've already told Didi and Basti,” Nicki interrupted me.
“Yes, but I just have guests and...”
“Nonsense! Just bring them along. The more of us, the more fun!” Male or female?”
“Who?”
“Well, the guest!”
Instinctively, I looked over at Jessy, as if I had to check whether he was male or female. He was busy dividing the money with André and set three playing pieces to GO.
“Male!”
“Well, all the better. Is he good-looking?”
“Nicki! Hands off!”
“Ahhh, I see... your new flame?”
“No!” I said defiantly, ‘But he's our new neighbor and...”
“Are you talking about me?’ I suddenly heard Jessy interject.
I looked at him, startled. I noticed how I blushed easily! Was I talking so loud?
“Yes! It's about a party! Tonight. Do you want to come?”
Jessy laughed. “Parties are the best way to get to know each other, aren't they?” he said. I wasn't sure if it was a wink or if I imagined that he had winked at me.
“Nicki? Pick us up at 8 p.m. There are three of us,” I said and hung up.
I sat back down on the couch and saw that the game was set up.
“Well, I guess we won't be playing after all!“ André said, more or less jokingly.
“Then we'll just move it to tomorrow. Jessy's not out of the picture.”
“That's right. I'll be right next door,” he grinned. “Who was this Nicki?”
“A good friend of mine. I met her at her own party, to which my then best friend Steffi took me,” I replied, remembering the party at the same time. It was a Halloween party. Some were in costumes, others were just there. Boy, was I drunk then... ”It turned out later that she was a friend of my aunt Heike. We went to discos and stuff together. She's quite nice... super nice actually. I like being with her.”
Jessy grinned. “What do you wear to a party like that?” he asked.
“Most of them are ravers. Bell-bottom or rave trousers, tighter T-shirts and a Cordon or Freeman T-Porter jacket made of neoprene. Buffalos or something... A vest wouldn't be bad either...” I talked and talked, although I didn't even notice how confused Jessy looked at me.
“Can you write it down for me?” He asked jokingly. ”I'll see what I can do!”
“Oh, it doesn't matter. Just come as you feel most comfortable.”
“Then I'll go over there. I wanted to take a shower and then I'll come back here, okay?”
“Yes, that's fine! Oh, and if you have it, bring a bottle of booze!”
Jessy put on his jacket and I accompanied him to the door.
“A bottle of booze?” he asked.
“Yeah, well, a bottle of champagne or wine or fig or something...”
Jessy had to laugh. ”It's okay, kid. I'll ring the bell then. Bye!”
And the door closed.
Somehow this winter seemed a bit strange to me. I lit a cigarette and went into the living room. Frank was sitting asleep in his armchair, as he always called it, next to him a bottle of beer and the TV was on. I decided not to wake him up and went into André's room.
“What do you want here?“ I was hit over the head when I closed his room door behind me.
“What does that mean?” I asked, lighting up. “Where's your ashtray?”
“It's under the English book.”
I took the book away and stuffed it on his shelf, which he had actually had specially added for school things. Well, he used it for the first few weeks. Now there was some strange head made of glass or something on it, with huge headphones on it, next to it a lava lamp in blue. I always wanted it, but he didn't give it to me.
“He's quite nice, isn't he?“ André reached for my Lucky box and took one out. I gave him a light.
“Yes he is,” I said, looking at the Wu-Tang poster hanging over Anré's bed.
“He's really good-looking, isn't he?” I had reached the point where I no longer thought of him as André. He had never said that a boy looked good-looking before. He thought it was gay for a boy to think the other one looked good. I didn't particularly like the way he said it, but we never argued about it. He knew I was gay and treated me normally. OK, every now and then, when there was really one of those super guys on TV, he would always look at me with this teasing grin. But I always hit him in the face with the nearest object I could find. Once I felt very sorry for him when the remote control was lying next to me. That must have been quite the onion.
“Of course he's good-looking. Remember that you still have to get ready, or don't you want to shower anymore?” I didn't want to talk about Jessy anymore. First I had to think about how to proceed with him, besides, who said I had a chance with him anyway?
“Nah, I'm not going to shower. I already did today.”
I remembered the party last year. When Didi picked me up and wore her gothic outfit, how she disappeared with that one guy and Denise's foot. Oh, no. The foot. How grateful I was to him. It may sound strange now, but if it hadn't been for him...
“What are you wearing today?” André interrupted my train of thought. Maybe even right, because otherwise I would probably get melancholy again.
“I think my aluminum foil pants and the smog sweater over them, you know, the one with the star on the front. And I'll take my black vest with me just in case Jessy's wearing an ugly T-shirt. Yes, and my Freeman T-Porter jacket.”
“And the hair?”
I looked puzzled. “André, this is a normal internal party and not a beauty contest.”
“Parties are the best way to get to know each other!”
I looked at him. ”But that's what Jessy said earlier!”
“...and winked at you!”
So he did. I thought I had imagined it. Why would he wink at me just like that? If I had a chance with him, would I even want to take it? I wasn't quite sure about that yet. Chris was still on my mind.
“André?”
“What?” He stubbed out his cigarette.
“I can't get Chris out of my head.”
André turned to me. “Martin. Who says that you have to forget him when you enter into a new relationship? Who says that you must never think of him again and who gives you the right to forbid you to forget the good times you had together? Nobody! Not even Jessy would do that, no one can demand that. But you have to accept that he's dead.” André began to tremble as he spoke. “He won't come back, no matter how much we wish he would. Understand that. Death is terrible for everyone, but it gives us the chance for a new beginning. An end is always a new beginning. You can't shut yourself off forever and protect yourself from new relationships! Grab love when it smiles at you, otherwise it will be too late. Chris would never have wanted you to forget the hours you spent together, but he wouldn't have wanted you to plunge into endless unhappiness either. Who knows? Maybe he sent you Jessy? We don't know what happens after death, we don't know where those we love go, we only know that now our lives go on. I think, no, I know that you will never forget Chris, but move on with your life!”
I was flabbergasted. It was hard to hear, but what André said was true, but at that moment I just wanted to cry. I should thank André, but I just held him very tightly. He held me tight. I realized that there was someone I could trust completely, and I felt that for the first time in ages. I had friends here and there, but I never found as much trust in anyone as I did in my little brother, who was perhaps more mature than me. Tears rolled down my eyes. I heard André sobbing. It seemed as if he hadn't just said it for me; I think it helped him, too. He had had these sentences in his head the whole time, but now that he had said them, he understood their meaning, just like me.
“Thank you, André!”
He looked at me with reddened eyes. “Now go take a shower!”
I let him go, even though I didn't like to, packed up my things and went to shower. The warm water flowed over my face and over my entire body. I couldn't get André's words out of my head. Again and again I repeated the words ‘He's right’ in my head, undecided about anything.
There was a knock on the bathroom door. “Martin, hurry up. Nicki is already here and Jessy too. We're in your room!”
Was it that late already? How long had I been in the shower?
“It's okay, I'll hurry.”
The mirror was all steamed up, I wiped it dry with the towel, but after a few seconds it looked the same as before. I put on my pants and wrapped myself in my T-shirt. The sweater was in my room. I unlocked the bathroom door and walked down the hall to my realm. Already on the relatively wide hallway, I heard a single laughter and chatter. I opened the door and was struck by lightning when Nicki immediately wrapped herself around my neck.
“Hi sweetie! How are you?”
I looked at her in surprise. Black ATO raver trousers, a white top and a black vest over it. She held her long wavy hair on her head with small colorful clips.
“Pretty good. You look great!”
“Thanks... but so do you.”
I grinned. “Of course and how. My hair not done yet and everything... I'll go to the mirror first.”
“But do the paint now!” André shouted after me, who I noticed was talking to Jessy.
A bit of hairspray here and hair lacquer there and the comb in the right place and I was ready. I searched desperately for my special hairspray that glows in black light, but I couldn't find it anywhere. However, when I went to get my fags from André's room, I saw it under one of his T-shirts.
When I arrived in my room, everyone was already ready to go.
“Are we going now?“ asked Nicki, who was so eager to party that she could hardly contain herself.
“Are you going back?” I asked her.
“No, we're sleeping at Emely's!”
I looked at Jessy. Was he okay with that? He nodded at me as if he had understood my thought and I grinned.
We got into Nicki's Renault, okay, it was a bit cramped because the car was so small, but I couldn't sit close enough to Jessy. That's why I sincerely rejected my claim to be allowed to sit in the front. What annoyed us all a bit was that Nicki's car didn't have a radio. Of course it had to break when I threw a cassette in too hard, but we could count on Nicki.
“Ramal lam...“, she held her right hand to her ear, demanding.
“Ding dong!” we sang, and even Jessy joined in. I have to say that if I had been in his situation, I probably wouldn't have been able to get a word out. You see, I'm pretty shy when I don't know someone, but he was different.
After 'Rama lama ding dong', Nicki started singing other songs that we all knew well, with one or two Jessy took a break, because they were probably not as strong in Berlin as he tried to talk his way out of it.
The ride didn't take too long. It seemed like a few seconds and we were already there. I wasn't sure if I was already losing track of time next to Jessy or if it was Nicki's fault, who was heating us up so much with her catchy tunes.
“Hey, there you are at last!” Emely jumped up to us, looking at Jessy in amazement.
“Hi, you're Emely? I'm Jessy!“ He said and shook her hand. I was amazed at his self-confidence.
“Hi, yes I'm Emely. But who are you with?”
“I'm a buddy of Martin's.” He smiled at me and I smiled back. “I'm his new neighbor.”
Now Emely's thirst for knowledge was quenched and she accompanied us to her basement party. It was supposed to be just a small private party, I had heard, but what was going on here was really amazing. So many people. OK, I knew most of them, but there were new faces every time. I had to laugh terribly when I saw Denise. Why? No idea! Or was it done on the grounds that she was just Denise?
We sat down at a free table. Emely jumped around here and there and got drinks and glasses.
“I like it here,” said Jessy.
“I'm glad. It's always quite fun here when there's a party.”
“Say, do you know the blonde over there?”
“Yes, why? That's Sabine, my ex!”
He looked at me in puzzlement...
“She looks awesome!”
I looked at him like a car, only not as fast, but a lot more shocked...
“Can you introduce me?”
I briefly considered dissing her in front of him, but what right did I have to do that? In all the anger I felt in my stomach at the moment, it was hard to admit to myself that she was actually quite nice. But at that moment she was a slut to me, the biggest of all sluts walking around here.
“Hey Sabine!”
She looked over at me and came running.
“Martin! Hi! I've been waiting for you. I thought you weren't coming or someone forgot to tell you...”
She took me in her arms so tightly that I was almost crushed. Her exaggeratedly polite manner got on my nerves so much that I would have liked to smash my glass against her fat head, but I controlled myself... the good sparkling wine...
“No, no. Nicki told me. May I introduce you to someone? This is Jessy, my new neighbor.”
Sabine looked at Jessy as if he were already naked in front of her. And I hated that look! She had looked at me the same way when we first met. As far as sex was concerned, she was even worse than Didi.
“Sabine. Nice to meet you. Do you want to go for a drink?”
“Sure!”
And then Jessy disappeared with her. He could have saved the super smile that he gave me. I couldn't quite believe that he just left me sitting here.
I got up and went over to Nicki. I hadn't even noticed that Nine and Co were already there.
I had met Nine about three months ago at the disco through Nicki and we got on well right from the start. It even got so out of hand that she spent a whole month at my place because we got on so well. I had never got to know a person so well in such a short time and we also had a lot in common.
“Hey Nine!”
She looked at me and hugged me so hard that I almost couldn't breathe, which reminded me of Sabine again.
“Martin, how are you?”
Of course I didn't want to spoil her mood because of Jessy, so I said that I was doing great, which was not at all true.
“Yeah, faith might be going great for you. What's up with you?”
And I realized again how well she knew me. She must have a sense of how I was doing.
“Hey Nine, not today, not now, and not here, okay? I want to have fun today. Where's the alcohol?”
Nine looked at me quizzically. But she knew I wouldn't overdo it with the good stuff! She handed me a Desperados and clinked glasses with me.
“Enjoy!”
“You too!” I grinned at her.
We put the bottle to our mouths and took a big gulp.
“Oh, so that's Eva!” said Nine.
Why did she always have to introduce people to me without warning... I was trying to get the lemon bitterly into the bottle and wondered who had cut the slices so thickly when a hand came towards me, into which I put the lemon because it was too much trouble for me to pop it in there. I finally took another sip and when I looked up, I saw two eyes looking at me in horror and next to them a laughing Nine. Oh God, that was embarrassing. Of course, I took the slice back immediately and shook hands with Eve.
“Martin, nice to meet you!”
“Hello, I'm Eve, right?”
“Yeah, maybe!” I replied.
We were both a little embarrassed, although in retrospect I actually found it really funny.
We looked at each other briefly and then both started to laugh.
“Hey, come with me! We'll go see who else is here,” she said to me, took my hand and pulled me along.
I looked through the crowd and saw many people waving and greeting me.
“Hey Martin, I have to introduce you to someone. This is my friend Christian!”
I looked at him and he looked at me.
“Hi, Christian!” he said with a light handshake.
“Martin!”
He seemed to be one of the shy types, because he didn't really know what to say, so he just stared at me and I at him.
Cute, I thought to myself and once again forgiven. How could it be otherwise? Blonde hair, sticking out to the side a bit, a little shorter than me and yet already so grown up. As I found out later, he was 17 and doing an apprenticeship as a cook in a village not far from me.
We were already standing at Nine again when I suddenly had to think of Chris again. I put my cigarettes, which were lying on the counter next to me, in my pocket and went outside, where I sat down on the bench where I had sat a year and a half ago, feeling very disappointed. My pants were soaked through with cold snow and it got a little wet at the crotch, but that didn't bother me at all in my current state. I looked up at the stars. It would be stupid to say that they have the same constellation today as they did back then, but for me it was.
I looked back again:
“Didi, please leave me alone!”
“How many names do you want to give me?”
I closed my eyes, turned around and smiled.
I took Chris in my arms and kissed him.

“The Indians were decimated by the whites, some tribes even exterminated?”
I slowly dozed off. I actually liked English, but somehow Mr. Schmidt managed to cover the same topics every year. We had Native Americans for the third time at least. Suddenly, I heard snoring next to me.
“Jan, please wake up and follow the lesson!“ Mr. Schmidt had heard it too. My best friend Jan actually woke up.
“Don't grin like that, it's stupid,” he whispered to me.
“I never grin stupidly, but always hyperintelligently,” I retorted.
“Pah!”
After this outburst of action, we continued to doze off. At least for five minutes, because then Mr. Schmidt, who was also our class teacher, suddenly stopped his English droning.
Immediately everyone was wide awake. Mr. Schmidt ended the lesson? Several minutes before the end of the lesson? That had never happened before. He always went over time.
“I still have an announcement to make.”
Aha, so there was something after all.
“As you probably already know, our school will be opening a few integration classes in the next school year.”
We didn't know yet.
“Depending on which age group it is, this class could also be affected.”
General whispering. Florian spoke up.
“Mr. Schmidt?”
“Yes?”
“What is an integration class?”
“An integration class is a class in which disabled and non-disabled students learn together?”
Now there was real unrest, everyone suddenly threw questions into the room.
“We are already 26 in the class, should there now be 20 disabled people added?”
“What kind of disability are we talking about?”
“Why our class?”
“Please be quiet for a moment! Integration classes are possible with all kinds of disabilities, we haven't even discussed what kind of students we'll be admitting. It's also about a maximum of two per class. And we chose your class because, compared to your parallel classes, you have few problems with other lifestyles.”
I could confirm that, though.
“As I said, we don't yet know which students we'll be talking about. We also don't yet know whether any students at all will be enrolled in your year. In any case, nothing has been finalized yet.”
At lunch in the school cafeteria, the announcement was of course the general topic of conversation. I followed the back and forth rather casually. “Few problems with other lifestyles,” yes that was it. In any case, I was extremely lucky with my class when I was outed two months ago.
Like many young gays, I had registered with Gayromeo (where I had to “round up” my age to 18), hoping to meet a few other young gays, since I didn't know any otherwise. Sure enough, I met Johannes soon after. He was a few years older than me, but he was totally gorgeous and seemed nice. We met a few times and eventually we went to bed together. At first it was really nice, but then he just said, “I want to fuck you,” and started to stick his fingers up my ass. It hurt like hell, and I whined for him to stop, but he didn't. At some point, I managed to get away from him. I got dressed and fled from his apartment. From then on, he constantly wrote me messages along the lines of “I want to deflower you.” Meanwhile, I knew from other users that he was only interested in “first ascents” of guys, and I answered him curtly that I was not interested. He just wrote back: “I'll get you for this.” At the party for my 16th birthday, he turned up, announced loudly: “Lukas is gay and slept with me,” and disappeared again. Everyone had heard it, not just all the guests, but also my parents and my brother, who were in the house. I just remember sitting on the floor and crying – and my parents and friends, at least those who were still there, took care of me.
That night, I learned that I could always rely on my parents. My pubescent little brother, he was fourteen, often made stupid remarks, but he didn't mean any harm.
I expected much worse at school. When I arrived the next Monday, trembling, my worst fears were immediately confirmed. Matthias, with his gang of hooligans from the parallel class, called after me at the school gate, “faggot.” Just when I was doubting whether I should even dare to go to class, Florian from my class came rolling up on his skateboard. He was always friendly and funny, but I hardly knew him. He was the king of the skaters, took his sport much more seriously than school and was one of the few in the class who smoked. In short, he did pretty much everything I didn't do, so we never had much to do with each other. “Don't let a few idiots annoy you.” I looked at him skeptically. As he rolled past, he patted me on the shoulder. “Hey man, you're cool.” Flo may have lived in a very different world from me, but actually he was a good guy. Most didn't react quite so openly, some even distanced themselves a bit from me, but after two weeks, everyone in the class had actually adjusted to the new situation and everything went back to normal.
And I could always rely on my real friends. My real friends were the ones I was sitting with at the table: Jan, my very best friend since the days of the sandbox, his girlfriend Lisa, who he had been with for over a year, Kevin, an incredibly patient, calm and good-natured guy, and Julia, who, as far as I could tell as a gay guy, was extremely good-looking but had never had a boyfriend. In any case, she dismissed all the school machos. I knew everyone long enough to understand that she would have liked to be with Kevin. Maybe that would come.
“Lukas, are you still there?” Lisa brought me back from my reverie. Where were we? Oh yes, the maybe integration class.
“How is that going to work? Wheelchair users can't even get through the building, there's no elevator and no disabled toilet,” Julia interjected. ‘Or they'll have to do a major renovation first. There's enough space, but it'll be really expensive.”
“Maybe then we'll finally get soap dispensers in the bathroom.’ I couldn't resist this dig at our school administration.
“It doesn't have to be wheelchair users, it could be that blind people come,“ said Jan.
“Well, but you need guidance systems for them, and how are they supposed to read what's on the board?”
“Was it even mentioned that they were physically disabled?” Lisa asked. “It could also be mentally disabled or learning disabled.”
“But next school year we'll be in the 11th grade. Are there any learning disabled people who make it that far?”
We looked at each other helplessly. Actually, we had to admit that we had no idea about the subject. So we decided not to worry about things that would only become relevant later. If at all. We had more important things on our minds anyway; after all, there were only a few days left until Christmas.
“I spoke to Mr. Schmidt on the phone to set the date for the parents' meeting.”
Great, just got home and then you hear something about school again. Did I mention that my mother is a parent representative?
“He said that you might have an integration class.”
“Yes, we are all very excited.”
“Well, just wait and see. Nothing has been decided yet anyway.”
My mother again. She managed to see the good in everything.
“What, you're getting Mongos in the class?”
My little brother came straight out of the bathroom into the kitchen with a towel around his waist.
“Alexander!” My mother looked at him sharply.
Oh, she had to be really angry when she called little Alexander that. Otherwise, he was just Alex to everyone. Of course, I knew that he had been raised to be just as tolerant as I was and that he just wanted to provoke in his pubescent way. “Let it be, Mom, he just wants to play.”
Alex stuck out his tongue at me and flexed his muscles a bit, probably to make me jealous. Actually, we looked quite similar with our hazel eyes and brown tousled hair, but Alex was always more athletic than me, and for some time now he had been doing dumbbell training, probably to get the girls. I mean, I wasn't really unsportsmanlike, but rather the slim type. I could show myself in the swimming pool without looking embarrassing, but I never made it to the top of the sporting world. Fortunately, we were not taught in classes during physical education, but the boys were divided into three groups, one good, one medium and one weaker. I was always in the middle group, so at least I didn't have to compete with the big sports freaks.
“So, you two bullies, I'm going to go do some Christmas shopping.”
And just like that, Mom was gone. She could do that very quickly.
“What did you actually want from Mom and Dad for Christmas, kid?”
Alex grinned dirty. “A few chicks to fuck, of course.”
He disappeared into his room.
“And you think you'll get them?” I shouted after him.
“Well hopefully, how am I supposed to survive Christmas without fucking?”
“You've survived over 14 years without fucking?”
A pillow flew at my head from his room. Even though my first sexual experiences were not great, I liked to tease him about not having had his first time yet.
Christmas was quiet and cozy. Of course, my brother didn't get any girls as gifts, but he did get a lot of other things that he was happy about. Otherwise, it was a very normal Christmas with a Christmas tree, tinsel, Christmas music and good food. Nothing new, but Christmas thrives on everything being the same.
“Boom!”
I didn't really like fireworks, but they were a must on New Year's Eve. We were standing in the meadow behind Jan's parents' house, waiting for the new year to begin. Just a few more minutes and the new year would be here.
“Do you know what I heard from my aunt?”
Everyone turned to Julia. Julia's aunt worked in the school board, so we were always provided with the latest information, but the fact that there was to be something new from the school on New Year's Eve, of all times, was surprising.
“We're supposed to get a disabled student in our class at the end of the first semester.”
“What?”
“Without any preparation?”
“Why is that?”
“They say he's moving here with his family, and because there's no suitable special school for him here and his mother doesn't want to send him to boarding school, and because the Schiller doesn't want to accept him, he's coming to us.”
The Schiller Grammar School was the other grammar school in town. We were at the Kant Grammar School, which was of course the much better of the two. At least that's what we thought.
“And what kind of retard is he supposed to be?”
“No idea.”
Oh dear, well, we could be curious about what the new year would bring. And it started right now with howling, fireworks and fireworks all around. What did I actually wish for this year, I wondered, while a rocket rose in front of me. Actually only one: a friend. A friend to cuddle, to cuddle, to fall asleep together. Would the wish come true? I didn't think so. But I wished for it.
There were things that didn't change even in the new year. For example, that you had to go to school. The news that we would have a new person in our class in a few weeks spread at the usual rate. Before the first lesson, the first information was passed on, after the second lesson the whole school was talking about it. At least the students, because the teachers didn't say a word about it.
Maybe they want to wait a few days to share the information, we all thought.
But after a few days, not a word had come from the teachers, not even after a week, and after two weeks, we were still sitting in Mr. Schmidt's English class just as clueless as ever.
“Why isn't he saying anything?” Jan whispered to me.
“Maybe there was nothing to the information after all?”
“The information is completely watertight,” whispered Julia from behind.
“Did any of you get your hands on the class register? Maybe the new guy is already in there.”
General shaking of heads.
A knock on the door interrupted our discussion. The door opened and our headmistress, Frau Stein, appeared in the doorway. To be precise, she filled it. Female headmistresses always seemed to have to underpin their importance with their girth.
“Mr. Schmidt, I'm very sorry to disturb you, but there's an urgent phone call for you.”
Oops, that rarely happened.
Mr. Schmidt went to the office with Ms. Stein. That was our chance! The class register was in the front. So, look in, leaf through, look for the class list? Lo and behold: the new guy was actually in there! But it didn't say much, only his name and date of birth. At least now we knew that his name was Thomas Neumeier. And he was 16, like us, so apparently he had never repeated a year. We couldn't discuss it for long either, because Mr. Schmidt came in again and, unmoved, continued with his sleep relaxation program – oh sorry – his class.
When he packed up his things at the end of the lesson, i.e. of course three minutes after the end of the lesson, I couldn't take it anymore.
“Mr. Schmidt, is it true that we're getting a disabled student?”
Mr. Schmidt paused for a moment. “Oh, news travels fast around here. Actually, we wanted to discuss this with you and him when he gets here. Yes, that's right.”
“But we don't have the facilities here to take in a physically disabled or blind person, do we?”
“He's neither physically disabled nor blind.”
Oh dear, he actually told us almost nothing. Now he was already walking wordlessly towards the door.
“Mr. Schmidt?”
“Yes?”
“What kind of disability does he have?”
“He is deaf.”
“And how is he supposed to follow the lessons?”
“He's pretty good at lip-reading. He's also had a few extra lessons with a deaf teacher who fills in the gaps when he hasn't understood something. But we'll really only see how it goes once he's here.”
With that, he disappeared from the classroom.
A deaf person? We hadn't even considered that possibility.
“Do you think he'll be able to follow everything?”
“I don't know,” said Lisa, ‘I think the idea is that we're supposed to help him.”
“Maybe he's really good-looking, then Lukas will drool over him and help him with every task,’ Jan grinned at me.
“Pah, forget it.”
Although, maybe he was right, there hadn't been a really good-looking student in our class before? Apart from the fact that I never drool, of course.
Oh well, what the heck, let's wait and see. Maybe he was also the biggest creep in the world, then I wouldn't have anything to do with him anyway.
The following two weeks dragged on with the usual uneventfulness. There were school days and half-yearly reports with pretty much the expected grades.
The following Monday started well, with math with Mr. Mausbach. Math was one of my favorite subjects, I didn't let unpopular topics deter me and bravely fought my way through the logarithms. What was it again, did I need the natural or the decimal logarithm here?
My thoughts were interrupted by an unharmonious knock on the door. In came Ms. Stein, Mr. Schmidt, a woman I didn't know, and behind them? Wow, I almost fell out of my chair. My absolute dream guy! Light blonde hair, dark brown eyes, an earring in his left ear, broad shoulders, as far as you could see under the black jacket. Did I mention that I'm totally into muscles? Well, not gross bodybuilders, but I can instantly go weak at the knees for well-trained, athletic guys. And that's exactly what this guy seemed to have. On top of that, he had a really cute, somehow totally sweet face. If he smiled, he could certainly melt my heart. At the moment, however, he was just looking around rather uncertainly.
“Don't drool,“ Jan grinned at me.
“I'm not drooling!”
“Yes, you are!”
”
“This here is Thomas,” explained Ms. Stein. “You already know that he is now part of your class. I would like you to support him as much as possible. And this,” she turned to the woman who had come in with her, ”is Ms. Mayring, our new sign language teacher. She will help Thomas. But she also offers a course in sign language for everyone. I would be happy if as many of you as possible took part. The dates will be posted on the bulletin board.”
Except for Thomas, the group disappeared as quickly as they had come. Thomas sat down at a free table in front of me, so I had the opportunity to size him up a bit. He had hung his black jacket over the chair and placed his backpack under the table. A bicycle helmet and an air pump were hanging from the backpack, apparently he had come by bike despite the winter temperatures. Just like me, he was obviously not a fan of designer clothes; he was wearing a normal white sweatshirt, jeans and sneakers. And without his jacket, you could see a little bit more of his body; he obviously went to the gym regularly.
“Are you drooling again?”
“Pah!”
“Do you think he can do it with us?”
“I don't know.” Lisa seemed almost worried. ‘I didn't get the impression that he understood much. I thought you said he could read lips?”
“But Mr. Mausbach has to look at him to do that,’ I interjected. ”He kept walking back and forth, and I think Thomas could only see his back half the time.”
“Maybe we should have helped him somehow.”
“How? How can you make contact with him at all?”
“Well, you would have helped him take off his clothes.“ Jan grinned the dirtiest grin he was capable of.
“Isn't that right?”
“Well, it was obvious that you liked him,” said Julia.
Oh dear, am I that easy to read? I squinted as carefully as possible towards the table in the corner. There sat my secret crush with a girl. Was that perhaps his girlfriend? Then I would secretly hate her.
“That's Klara, his sister. She's in ninth grade and, unlike him, she can hear,” Kevin explained, as if he could read my thoughts.
“How do you know that?”
“The rumor mill has already reached this table. You just didn't realize it because you were ogling Thomas.”
“I wasn't...”
Oh dear, I really had to try harder to hide it.
I got up to take my tray back. I almost tripped over my little brother at the tray rack.
“Say, is that your new guy?” He pointed his head in the direction of Thomas.
“Yes, why?”
I had never seen Alex take an interest in the boys in my class before.
“And who's the pretty one at his table?”
Aha, so that's what this was about.
“That's his sister. Now please don't tell me you're talking about banging hot chicks again?”
“Nah, nah. She's, she's... uh... really... uh... pretty?”
With a slightly red face, he stammered and left. Apparently I was not the only member of the Kamphaus family who had a crush on a member of the Neumeier family.
I began to worry about my secret crush. The school days went by and the situation didn't get any better. Anyway, it seemed like he didn't really pay much attention to the lessons.
Well, maybe I shouldn't worry so much about other people's problems. On the other hand, he was so cute. They said that Ms. Mayring was helping him fill in the gaps. I could only hope that worked.
Damn! Now I had a much more pressing problem: computer science was postponed to the 9th and 10th hour today and I had two free periods.
“What a bummer!” I said out loud as I stood in front of the bulletin board.
“You can always go to the sign language course for morons.”
Oh dear, Matthias the idiot again. Fortunately, he passed me by and didn't make a few comments of the kind.
Oh dear, I spoke too soon. Thomas had just come from the stairs to the bulletin board and Matthias received him with a few monkey gestures. I turned away, I really didn't need to see that.
“Hey, what's the matter with you?” I suddenly heard Matthias scream.
I turned around again. Thomas had grabbed Matthias by the collar and lifted him up. Wow, he must have been really strong, he must have gone to the gym. Matthias wriggled, but Thomas held him in the air with one hand. After about a minute, Thomas put him down again. Matthias left. Apparently he had realized that he was better off not messing with Thomas.
Nevertheless, I still had the problem of what to do with my two free periods. Hm, maybe I should really go to the sign language course. If I didn't like it, I could just stay away again.
When I entered the classroom with the bell, I realized that the course was not very popular. Apart from me, there were a few sixth-formers, but no one else.
“Hello!” it sounded. Or rather, it didn't sound. Ms. Mayring just formed the word with her lips and waved. Apparently that was the correct greeting among the deaf.
Before she started with the actual signing, she began with a few explanations.
“In Germany, the deaf use German sign language. There is also sign language that accompanies spoken language, in which spoken language is translated one-to-one into signs. German sign language, on the other hand, has a sentence structure that differs significantly from the German language.
There are two schools of thought in deaf education. One advocates oral language education. In this approach, students should lip-read as much as possible and also learn to speak themselves, which is difficult for most of them because they cannot hear their own voice. The other approach advocates teaching in German sign language. This has the advantage that communication is easier. The disadvantage, however, is that it becomes more difficult to make contact with hearing people. In addition, many find it difficult to write German texts because they are used to a completely different grammar. But one should not generalize, I also know deaf people who write very good German.
So, now enough theory for the beginning. Now we want to do a bit of signing. We use not only our hands, but also our facial expressions.”
Ms. Mayring demonstrated a few gestures. I was afraid I would feel silly doing it, but somehow it was fun. Soon we were walking through a virtual market, showing each other tiny fruits, thin asparagus and thick turnips, all accompanied by appropriate gestures.
“So, that's it for today.” The two hours had flown by.
“Next time, we'll form a few real sentences, like introducing each other and the like. Thanks for now, for participating so well.”
The high school students left the classroom, but I still wanted to ask Ms. Mayring something. After all, she knew Thomas a little better.
“Did Thomas actually grow up speaking orally or signing?”
“Let's put it this way: he was always pushed back and forth a bit. He can lip-read quite well, but he can't really speak properly. In any case, he is practically impossible to understand; he communicates using sign language.”
“So he has difficulties in German?”
“No, he writes excellent German. He's just a highly intelligent student, so far he's had almost only A's. I'm afraid that's going to be more difficult here. I'm trying to help him fill in the gaps, but in math and science it's hard for me because I'm reaching the limits of my abilities there. You'll have to help with that.”
I thanked Ms. Mayring and went to the door.
“Lukas?”
I turned around again.
“Why don't you just ask Thomas all these questions yourself?”
“Because... uh... I don't know.”
“Because you don't know how to get in touch with him?”
“Yes, something like that.”
“My God, try gestures, or write a few notes or something. I also always thought that you young people would be chatting on the internet all the time anyway, wouldn't something like that work with him too?”
Hm, I hadn't thought of that. Chat would be a possibility. But in which chat room?
When I arrived home, I booted up the computer. Maybe he was on Jappy. I rarely used Jappy; I preferred to meet my friends in real life, but maybe I could find Thomas. So I quickly entered our zip code and the age 16 in the search, let's see what came up. Our town wasn't that big, so the results were manageable. There were just a few people I already knew, and two or three more I didn't know, but Thomas wasn't among them. I clicked through the profiles without a picture, but there was nothing that matched him either. Disappointed, I turned off the computer.
That evening, I lay on my bed and thought. Was it really such a good idea to take Thomas in, without preparation and without any concept? After all, it was impossible to overlook the fact that he was in serious trouble. The Schiller Grammar School had also refused to accept him, Julia had said. They had probably sensed the difficulties. Wait a minute... the Schiller? Maybe he lived around here. Then he didn't have our zip code at all, but the other one that still existed in the city.
Although it was already late, I booted up the computer again and quickly found myself in the Jappy search. And... bingo! There he was. With a nice profile picture, smiling happily. Oh my God, how cute he looked! I realized that I had never seen him happy, apparently he felt very much like a stranger with us.
Oh, he was still online. I hesitated for a moment, then sent him a short message: “Hey!” I couldn't think of anything better.
A message came back shortly afterwards: “Hey”
“Still awake?”
“Yes, but not for much longer. It's been a busy day.”
“Our school is very exhausting for you, isn't it?”
“Oh, so-so.”
I was sure that he was greatly understating his problems here.
“I'd be happy to help you with math or something?”
“Thanks, but I don't need it.”
Apparently he was too proud to accept help. I was already thinking about how I could persuade him when another message came from him:
“I'm going to bed now. Good night.”
And he was gone. I was ready for bed too, but first I looked around his profile a bit. It was almost as empty as mine. At least it said that he was single. But otherwise he hadn't given much information, not even whether he was looking for girls or boys. But what was I worrying about, the chance that he was gay was vanishingly small.
I took a look at his photos. The profile picture seemed to be the only recent one. Otherwise, he had two folders, both of which had been created two years ago. In the folder “Friends and me” Thomas could be seen, apparently in a good mood, talking to others. I clicked on the folder “Soccer”. There was only one picture in it, but this picture... I almost fell off my chair. It showed Thomas playing soccer... shirtless! Even though the picture was apparently two years old, he already had a very handsome body, even though he certainly looked even better now. Of course, he was in the group for the best students in gym class, so I had never seen him do sports.
Later, I lay in my bed and tried to fall asleep, but I couldn't. Again and again, I imagined Thomas without a shirt, what he would look like, and what great muscles he had. My dick had been as hard as granite the whole time, and I had no choice but to jerk off.
“Maybe I'll have a chance to see him topless in the summer,” I thought to myself, while I wiped my cum off my stomach with a handkerchief. ‘Maybe I can...’ I couldn't get any further, I finally fell asleep.
Oh, shit! Today I was really close to school. I ran up the stairs and just made it to the classroom when the bell rang.
Phew, just made it. But don't panic, Mr. von Ochsbrink, our history teacher, was just writing on the board. It would be at least five more minutes before he started class.
As I passed, I waved to Thomas with the “hello” I had learned yesterday. He looked up in surprise, hesitated, and then answered with “hello” as well.
I dropped down onto my seat next to Jan. “Well, have you finally got the attention of your crush?”
“He's not my crush.”
“Apparently he is.”
I gave up. Jan always noticed that I was looking at Thomas. But today was a little different. Thomas sat a little more turned towards the class and out of the corner of his eye, he looked over at me more often. Unfortunately, he kept avoiding my gaze when I looked at him.
“Well, at least you seem to have sparked his interest,” Jan said as we walked down the stairs towards the courtyard after the second hour. I had already told him in a whisper about the events of the past day during the lesson.
“Well, he's still a bit shy about it. And he doesn't want to be helped either.”
“But you saw how he looked at you.” Jan put on his grungiest smirk again. ”I think he fancies you.”
“Well, that might suit you. I admit, I think he looks nice?”
“Nice? You must dream about having sex with him all day.”
My God, he was still grinning. And I missed the bottom step of the stairs with such fright that I almost fell over. But wait a minute, why only almost? Actually, I had just tipped over and now I was hanging in the air. It took me a moment to realize that someone had held me with a strong grip and was now putting me back on my feet. I turned around. Thomas was standing behind me and smiled at me kindly. He smiled at me! Thomas smiled at me! I walked into the courtyard feeling rather dazed. What had Jan said? I want sex with Thomas? Yes, that too, somehow maybe. But most of all I wanted to cuddle and caress him and fall asleep snuggled up against him. Unfortunately, that would probably remain a dream.
In the evening, I looked at Jappy again. Unfortunately, Thomas was not logged in. So it went on for a few days. At school, he looked at me more friendly, even smiled, but I had not yet started a conversation with him. But on Jappy, the same thing every day – no Thomas.
It took almost a week before I caught him online again.
“Hey, there you are again.”
“Yes, I'm not often here online.”
“I noticed that.”
Suddenly I had an idea. Maybe I could ask him about his relationship with girls.
“So you don't use Jappy to look for a girlfriend?”
“No, why?”
“I just thought so? Because of the topless picture, I thought that was supposed to attract girls.”
“Nah, that was just at football.”
“Oh, so you just take your shirt off when you play soccer?”
“I really like doing that, not just when I'm playing soccer, but generally when I'm outside when it's warm.”
Wow! I immediately imagined being outside with Thomas and him taking off his shirt. Just thinking about it made me hot.
“And then all the girls don't run after you?”
“Nope.”
My God, there was really no getting anything out of him. But I still had to try because of the really important things.
“Say, don't you want me to help you with math?”
“Nah, nah, let's not. I'm off now.”
Oh dear, he really didn't want any help. Somehow I could understand him. He had probably always been a very good student and now couldn't get over having to rely on help. But it couldn't go on like this either.
I could see that again the next morning. The day started with math. Math is actually nice, but today we got the test back that we had recently written. That said, it was still nice for me, I was able to pick up my A. Thomas, however, looked pretty crestfallen. It was obvious that he had screwed up the test.
“Before we continue with the lessons, I would like to change the seating arrangements.”
Oh, what was Mr. Mausbach planning to do now?
“While marking the tests, I realized that some of you had probably used not only your wits but also the answers of the students sitting next to you. Is that right, Florian?”
Flo looked down guiltily, at least that's what it looked like. You couldn't really see it under his baseball cap, which he always wore everywhere. Actually, I only knew him with a cap.
“It might be better if Lisa doesn't sit next to you anymore. I think Lisa would be happy next to Jan.”
Yes, I could imagine that. But what about me then?
“Lukas, you could sit here next to Thomas, there's still a seat.”
Okay, I could live with that. While I was moving all my things, Mr. Mausbach looked at me and raised his eyebrow slightly. The purpose of this action was immediately clear to me. He wanted support for Thomas without embarrassing him in front of the class.
Thomas looked at me briefly. He actually looked quite friendly, so I seemed to be welcome. He wasn't smiling though; on the contrary, he looked quite sad. I could understand that; the work had obviously not gone well for him. I tried to catch a glimpse of his work. Oh God, he had really messed it up. It must have really hurt him; he was certainly not used to such grades.
I slid him a note. “I can really help you.”
He wrote underneath: ”I don't need it.”
My God, he was stubborn. Mr. Mausbach now continued with the lesson. I tried to follow the lesson and watch Thomas at the same time. Now it was clear: he was taking in the blackboard writing and a few incoherent sentences from Mr. Mausbach. And nothing else. It was not going to work that way.
I looked at Thomas. He turned his face away immediately, but the half-second had been enough to see that there were tears in his beautiful brown eyes. He probably knew that his school career was going down the drain here.
He tried to continue his class notes for a few more minutes, but then he apparently capitulated. Oh dear, I felt sorry for him. He just sat there motionless for a few minutes.
Suddenly he started moving again. He wrote something on a piece of paper and with slightly trembling fingers he pushed it over to me.
“Can you come to my house after school today?”
Hurray, he had finally realized that someone wanted to help him. I wrote a short “Yes” below it and sent my mom a text message saying I'd be coming home late. Thomas also pressed his cell phone, apparently announcing my visit at home. Actually a practical invention, the text message, that had to make his life much easier.
I also needed to relieve myself, namely after the lesson on the toilet. At the sink, I met Alex, who apparently had the same urgent need. I quickly told him that I would come home later today because I was still going to Thomas's place.
“Well then you can finally shag him?” Oh dear, Alex's grin was almost unbearable.
“Alex!”
“Well, it's obvious to everyone that you fancy him.”
“Get out!”
Alex actually left.
When I came back to class, Thomas and Jan were passing a few notes to each other. It was kind of nice that he was thawing out a bit and gradually getting in touch with the others. I don't know what Jan had told him, but he grinned at me. Thomas also looked somehow different than before, somehow a bit happier, apparently he had overcome the initial shock of his work.
I was a bit excited when we left school and he pushed his bike next to me. My God, he really did live at the end of the world. We had to go through the entire city, across the large market square and past the town hall. We were on the road for almost half an hour. No wonder Thomas came by bike even in winter, and there was no decent bus service either. Somehow Thomas seemed more relaxed than at school. We couldn't talk to each other, but he smiled at me friendly from time to time, and I smiled back.
The Neumeiers lived in a nice row house. Thomas unlocked the door and in the hallway a woman, who was apparently his mother, was waiting for us. She looked quite a bit like Klara. She greeted Thomas with a hug and a kiss on the cheek and ruffled his hair. Immediately I wanted to do the same, but I couldn't really do that.
“Hello Lukas,” she said, beaming. So she knew who I was. ”It's nice that Tommy finally brings someone from school.”
The Neumeiers seemed to have just moved in, as there were still a few folded moving boxes in the corner.
Mrs. Neumeier noticed my glance. “Yes, we are still quite new in town. But now we are done with the move and all installations. Only the heating is not working properly, so it is still a bit cool here. But that will be fixed tomorrow, actually we like it warm.”
It's true, it was actually quite fresh here. Too bad, I was already hoping to see Thomas in a T-shirt?
First of all, Thomas showed me the house. It wasn't particularly big, but it was very cozy. Downstairs were the kitchen, bathroom, and living room, and behind the living room was a small garden. It must be nice here in the summer; the garden was not visible from outside, and the small terrace by the house was certainly a good place to lie and sunbathe. I preferred not to imagine what else I could do with Thomas there.
Thomas led me up the stairs. At the top was his mother's bedroom – I noticed that somehow there was no father in his life – and his sister's room. We took a quick look inside; she didn't seem to be there. Her room was tidy, which couldn't really be said for Thomas's own room. He quickly cleared away some sports equipment so that we had somewhere to sit. Otherwise, his room looked like that of a normal teenager, except that there was no stereo and no music posters on the wall. I noticed a strange lamp above the door, the purpose of which I couldn't explain to myself. Thomas noticed my questioning look, went out and pressed a button. The lamp started flashing brightly. So that was the substitute for knocking, that's how Thomas had a bit of privacy in his room.
“I have to go to the bathroom,” I signaled to him. Of course, I didn't know any appropriate gestures for that, but had to roughly imitate what I meant, which made me blush and made him grin.
On my way down, I passed the kitchen and Frau Neumeier was looking out. “I'm really glad someone is helping Tommy; it doesn't seem to have gone so well so far.”
“Yeah, somehow the school didn't really prepare for that either.”
“Yes, for one thing, he wasn't prepared for it himself. Then there were always the problems he had with his father.”
“Where?” I bit my tongue just in time. I didn't really want to ask about the father, who apparently no longer lived here.
Ms. Neumeier had understood the question anyway. ”Oh, you can ask. No, he doesn't live here, he left us. That's why I had to look for a job and now work here at the hospital. Well, he always wanted to have a perfect son and Tommy was always a disabled person for him, and his second child was a girl. And that his son was in his eyes even more disabled... Well, let's leave it at that, in any case, he couldn't cope with it.”
I didn't understand what she meant by “even more”, but I didn't want to ask, it wasn't my business anyway.
“Unfortunately, I have to go to work now.”
“Oh, you must have really inconvenient working hours.”
She laughed. “Well, somehow all this,” she pointed to the house around, “has to be earned. So have fun today.”
And learning was actually fun. I was amazed at how easily I could communicate with Thomas. Mathematics went well with pen and paper and I quickly realized how easy it was to fool around without words, which we did extensively.
Time flew by and I found it a shame when I had to leave. Thomas was really a nice guy, with whom you could laugh a lot.
He accompanied me to the door. I was still wondering how I should actually say goodbye. “Hello” had already been used in class, but not goodbye. Thomas took the decision out of my hands... he hugged me and squeezed me very tightly. I was sure that this was not the usual way of saying goodbye among the deaf, but of course I enjoyed it anyway.
“You're going to Thomas's again?”
Alex looked into my room.
“Yes, why?”

“Basti, when are you going to the show, actually?”
“On Sunday, Frank. We'll be leaving in the morning with the horses.” ”And when are you going?”
“Unfortunately, not until Monday after work. One colleague is sick and the other one is on vacation and won't be back until Tuesday. But the horses are going on Sunday and so is Tanja. Who are you taking with you, anyway?”
“All of them. After all, it's the Bavarian Championships of the VWB. You want to make an impression on the others,” I grinned at Frank.
“And Dennis is showing off in the VWB classes again?”
“Of course, but not only in the VWB classes, even if he doesn't know about his luck yet. And I hope you'll keep your mouth shut and not ruin my surprise.”
“Of course not. I want to live longer.” Frank bared his pearly whites.
“Good for you. I have to go. Mommy cooked and besides, I still have a few things to prepare at home. After all, the show lasts a whole week. I wanted to iron my outfit today and stuff.”
“Well, I won't keep you any longer, I have to go too. Tanja is expecting me, we wanted to go to the disco tonight. I wish you luck.”
“I wish you luck too, see you tomorrow.”
Frank got into his car and I grabbed my dog, Sam, a Golden Retriever cross, swung myself onto my mountain bike and cycled home. It was now 7 o'clock in the evening on this Friday in mid-May. But wait – some of you are probably wondering who I am and what I've just written here. So, let's start from the beginning. My name is Sebastian von Fahrenwald, but everyone who knows me just calls me Basti. I'm 17 and live near Munich, actually on the beautiful Lake Starnberg. My parents have a villa there, not far from our riding stable. Actually, it's a stud farm, but I hate that term. My parents are rolling in money. Enough that I could buy a horse every month and still have enough money left over for the next generation. Although my parents would probably have to turn to my older brother, who is now 19 years old, for that. He has moved out of our home because he is completing his training in Augsburg. He is also the only one who knows so far that I'm gay. I told him about half a year ago, just before he went to Augsburg. He took it pretty cool. Since then, he keeps asking me if I've finally found a boyfriend when he calls or stops by. How I hate this question. Worse than my grandma. But back to me.
I have been riding for as long as I can remember. I started with the little pony that my parents had in their stable. After that, I learned the art of English riding. Three years ago, I switched to Western riding. I saw a tournament that was held near us. We talked a little with my parents, and a month later, it was during the summer vacation, we flew to America, more precisely to Texas, and bought our first Quarter Horse. I have already mentioned this mare here. It is April (April Morning Dew). (Please pay very close attention to the fact that the name is pronounced in English.) I competed in my first shows with her, and I still do. Meanwhile, I have six of my own Quarter Horses, and I wanted to slowly retire April from showing, but she objected to that. Last spring, we wanted to go to a show and leave her at home for the first time. She went on a rampage in her stall and smashed everything that wasn't stable enough, so we took her with us to the show, and since then she has been shown again by us. I only show her rarely. My best friend Dennis usually rides her. There's another thing about her. In a way, you could compare her to the horses from Lord of the Rings. The Mearas that don't let just anyone ride them. Besides me, the only one who could ride April was Dennis. Anyone else who tried to put even one foot in the stirrup had to experience what it means to be left in the dust.
Dennis, still 16, had been with us at the riding stable for 5 years. His parents were not really poor, but they couldn't afford their own horse. Nevertheless, they respected Dennis's dearest wish, to ride. They paid for him to take riding lessons, first on an English horse, and later in the Western riding style. That was about a year ago. I can still remember exactly how Dennis would always stand at the fence with a dreamy look in his eyes and watch me ride. His eyes would light up especially when I rode April. At some point, he and his parents came to visit us at a show over the weekend. He was so fascinated that his eyes really stood out among all the spectators. A few weeks after this tournament, he was standing at the fence at our house again. I had just stopped to take off my sweater because I had gotten warm. He stared at April. I watched him as he couldn't take his eyes off her. Suddenly he looked up at me.
“You? Basti?”
“Yes?”
“Do you think I could maybe...? Would it be possible...? Would you mind...? “It was cute how he hesitated. I smiled to myself.
“If you finally come out with your wish, then I can also say whether it is possible.”
“Well, it's a bit uncomfortable for me, but do you think I could ride April sometime? I'd like to try western riding.”
“Is it the western riding you're interested in, or April?”
I grinned at him, and he blushed.
“Well, don't look like that. You can try it. The only problem is that April only lets me ride her. At least no one else but me can get on her. But you're welcome to try your luck.”
While I was still talking, I had already dismounted and watched as Dennis climbed over the fence. He was visibly nervous, but also overjoyed that I had granted him his wish. He approached April cautiously. She watched him very intently. First of all, we adjusted the stirrups to the appropriate length. After all, I was 1.92 m tall, and Dennis was only 1.77 m. He took the reins hesitantly and put his leg in the stirrup even more cautiously. His whole body trembled. He grasped the horn of the saddle and slowly pushed himself up until he was finally sitting on April. Until now, this was always the point at which the rider was guaranteed to be back in the dust. But not with Dennis. April still stood quietly, her head turned slightly to the side, following his every move. I don't know if she realized how important this experience was to him, or if she just liked him. In any case, I have rarely seen a rider-horse combination that harmonized as well as these two. While he was riding off, I explained the first steps of Western riding to him. He was extremely adept. After half an hour, I almost had to pull him off the horse, he was so enthusiastic. His eyes were a little moist. And from that day on, he and I were best friends, too.
Last fall, he rode his first competition with April. I will never forget how happy he was about his first victory in Western Horsemanship. After that, he sat with April in her stall for another two hours, talking to her. He thanked her and fed her one carrot after another. April snorted contentedly and laid her head on his shoulder. At that moment, I had made a decision. Dennis should become her new owner. First of all, I discussed the matter with my parents at the show, after all, they were the ones who had paid the money, even though I was registered in the papers. My parents agreed immediately. They knew that Dennis would take good care of April. But now came the more difficult part of my plan. The morning after my conversation with my parents, I found Dennis' parents, Reinhard and Renate, at the spectator stands. They were watching a reining competition. I asked them to come with me to one of our two vans. This van looked like a normal truck, but it was a horse van and had room for six horses. In the front part of the truck was a kind of caravan with a table, shower, refrigerator, bed, etc. There was space for equipment between the living area and the horse area. A short time later, I was sitting in my “living room” with the two of them and my parents, offering them something to drink.
“I wanted to talk to you. It's about Dennis and April.”
“We already suspected something like that. You probably don't want Dennis to ride her anymore. We can understand that, but I suspect that it will be a real blow to him.”
“Well, Dennis' world will change a bit. However, you have to give your consent.”
“What should we give our consent for? It's your decision.”
“Renate, please let me finish. I, or rather we, need your consent to make this possible.”
“So, what our son wants to say,” my father intervened. ”He wants to give your son April. For his 17th birthday. And since the horse also needs to be taken care of, we need your consent.”
The two stared at us with wide-open eyes.
“There are no conditions attached to this gift either, just two requests. We want April to stay in our stable and be treated well for as long as she lives. And maybe a third request. It would be nice if I always had the opportunity to ride April, if I feel like it.”
It took a few more words from my parents, but eventually they were both convinced and we told them our plan. At the beginning of next year, the papers were to be rewritten in America, and then on the Saturday before the Bavarian Championships, Dennis's birthday, I was to hand over the papers to him. Unbeknownst to Dennis, he was to be entered not only for the VWB classes but also for the AQHA show. Everything went smoothly. A week ago, the papers arrived at Dennis' parents' house by mail and were given to me so that I could hand them over to Dennis tomorrow.
So I arrived at my house, lost in my thoughts about the show. A pleasant smell came from the kitchen.
“Hi Ma, I'm home. Is dinner ready yet?”
“No, not quite yet. You still have time to take a shower first.”
So I went back outside through the kitchen and crossed the small path that lay between the main house and my bungalow. I had been living in my brother Frederick's bungalow since he moved out. I went to my bathroom, put my clothes in the washing machine, and turned on the shower. After the water reached a comfortable temperature, I stood under it and rinsed the sweat of the day off my body. Fifteen minutes later, I was back in the kitchen, getting on my mother's nerves.
“What's for dinner?”
“Something sensible. You'll probably only eat hot dogs and stuff like that all week.”
“Mom, that's not true. I always eat my breakfast cereal. And that's very healthy.”
“It would be, if you would just give up the chocolate cubes and the chocolate milk.” my mother smiled at me. ”But now it's time for dinner. Why don't you get your father, I'll serve dinner in the meantime.”
So I went to get my father and we all went to eat. Sam also got his food, usually the only way to keep him from begging. Since nothing particularly exciting happened during dinner, I took the opportunity to make something clear. We may have money like air to breathe, but that doesn't mean that I didn't grow up very normally. Okay, I didn't necessarily have to watch the price when I went shopping, although I usually did, but we didn't throw our money out the window either. We don't have a housekeeper or a butler either. Just a gardener, because our property was really huge, and a cleaning lady who came once a week and helped my mother, because she works as a secretary for a lawyer three mornings a week. So she was actually always at home when I came back from school. On top of that, she also does the bookkeeping for the riding stable. I helped her occasionally, since I was supposed to take over the business at some point later on. My father is responsible for all other organizational matters. Strictly speaking, the two worked hand in hand and it was not really possible to draw a clear dividing line. We also have a few grooms and the like in the stables. Neither of us in the family shies away from mucking out a horse box.
Even if it may seem that I'm a spoilt brat, that's absolutely not true. I didn't get much more pocket money than the average either. OK, in terms of the pure amounts, it was more than most, but for that I also had to buy everything myself, apart from food and the costs for the tournaments. So also clothes and so on. I think that's actually quite good. That way, you learn how to budget your money for the entire month early on. And if I didn't have any money left at the end of the month, then I couldn't buy an ice cream at the nearest kiosk or anything like that. Begging my parents for money didn't help either. That only happened to me at the beginning though, by now I knew how to spend my money.
After dinner, I had a short discussion with my parents about how things should go on Sunday with the trip to the show, because it was well known that the day before departure was always extremely stressful and there was hardly any time for such things. After the briefing, I went to my bungalow and set up my ironing board because I still had to iron some shirts for the show. I was just about to start with the first shirt when my phone rang.
“Hi Basti, you're finally home? I've tried to reach you four times already.” Dennis hadn't been at the stables today because he wanted to celebrate his birthday with his parents. After all, he wanted to be at the stables tomorrow and then sleep at my place overnight because we had to leave quite early on Sunday. His parents were understanding and there were never any problems with it. So at least they didn't have to get up at 6 a.m. on a Sunday, since Dennis lived about half an hour from the stables.
“Why didn't you leave a message on the answering machine?”
“Like you check it. And secondly, I just wanted to clarify something about tomorrow.”
“Well, let's have it then.“ I waited eagerly to see what he wanted to clarify.
“Well, you better not get me anything great.” I smiled quietly to myself. “I don't want anything from you.”
“Well, you'll get something. But just a little something. That's what we agreed.” Don't tell on me.
“Then that's fine... I'll probably be there around noon. My grandma is coming over for lunch, and after that I'll be on my way right away. Fortunately, my parents are driving me tomorrow since I have so much luggage with me.”
“Well, your parents are worth their salt.”
“I agree. See you tomorrow then, I still have to finish packing.”
“I still have to do that too, but I was held up by some weird guy again.”
“Yeah, you too.”
“With pleasure.” If only he knew how true that was.
“Fine. So good night.”
“Nighty-night, big guy.”
And with that, our conversation was over. I went back to my shirts. After two hours, I was done with the roughest part of packing. The tournament clothes were neatly stored in three garment bags. The two pairs of chaps were added to the normal luggage, and the two hats were placed in the hat boxes, ready to hand. The duffel bag was packed, except for my toiletries. After I had let Sam, who was staying with me in the apartment, out the door again, I undressed and went to my bed. While I was still pondering which outfit I should wear for which start, I fell asleep.
The next morning, I woke up around nine o'clock. Overdressed, I put on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt and went to my parents in the kitchen. After breakfast, I packed my clothes in our Jeep, because we would load them later in the van. When I had filled the Jeep to bursting with my clothes, we drove to the stable. The boxes had already been mucked out and I got straight to work. Luckily, I had already twisted (thinned out) and cut the manes during the week, so I only had to correct them briefly. Which also took me some time. Then I started clipping the horses (the white hair on the feet is trimmed with the long-hair trimmer, the ears are shaved clean and the whiskers are also shortened). A quick glance at the clock told me that Dennis would probably be here soon. So I grabbed the giant bow that I had bought specially and tied it around April's belly, where the saddle is. Then I left the stables and leaned against the entrance gate, lit a butt and waited for the birthday boy to arrive.
Dennis wasn't long in coming either, and I gave him a warm hug and showered him with congratulations.
“So, now we come to your present. It consists of two parts. A big one and a small one.” Dennis looked confused and his parents grinned at me.
“Which one do you want first... Although the small one is the more valuable. I think we'll start with the big one.”
So I grabbed Dennis' hand, pulled him behind me into the stables and went straight to April's box. There April was standing in her box, nibbling happily on some hay. Dennis stared at her with wide-open eyes. Incredulous, he looked from me to his parents, back to April, and so on.
“You're all kidding me, right?”
“Not that I know of. This is my gift to you.”
“My parents would never allow that.”
“Yes, my son. Your parents also worked on Basti's plan,” Dennis's father intervened.
“Are you serious? April is my horse now? For real, completely?”
“I'm completely serious. And if you don't believe me, take a look at this.” I gave him the papers where he was listed as the new owner. His eyes became huge again. Then the tears came. He cried, he cried with happiness. Three happy faces looked at him as he went into the box and hugged his horse.
After what seemed like an eternity, he came out of the box and hugged his parents, thanking them profusely.
“Oh, and I'm not thanked at all,” I played, exaggeratedly offended.
“No, I don't know how I could ever thank you.”
“You already have.”
“Huh?” 

“With your look. That was more of a thank you than a thousand words could express.”
Then he fell on me, pressed me tightly and whispered a “thank you” in my ear. When he let go of me again, we went to our riders' room, which was more of a small inn, completely glazed on one side, so that you could see into the riding hall below. My parents had also arrived in the meantime, having been shopping in the meantime. The other people present also congratulated him. We clinked glasses of sparkling wine and orange juice. Well, the adults drank the orange juice and we drank the sparkling wine straight from the bottle. No, that was the other way around or something. Oh well. In any case, Dennis couldn't wipe the stupid grin off his face the whole time.
After the small celebration in the Reiterstüberl, we went back to the stables where our horses were now. I had already done the clipping in the morning. Now we washed all the horses in the washing box first. No, it's not comparable to a washing box for cars. It's just a separate cleaning area with a hose that also has warm water. The horses were shampooed and in the end we were probably wetter than the horses, and we stood together under the horse solarium with the last horse. That was necessary, even though it was already relatively warm, so you still had to be careful that the horses didn't catch a cold, otherwise we could cancel the starts right away. After that, all the horses were sprayed with shine spray and given a light blanket with a neck and head piece that wasn't really warm but kept the dirt out. Finally, all the tails were plaited and put into a so-called “Schweigsack” – a cloth cover that keeps the dirt off the tail. Thus, the horses were prepared for the next day.
While we set about cleaning the equipment and polishing it to a high shine, the horses were allowed to enjoy themselves in small groups in the horse walker (a machine that moves the horses in circles in both directions). The saddles, bridles and breastplates were all made of light brown leather and decorated with silver in various places. A saddle of this quality costs around €7,000. It's a steep price, but in the end it works out, because the useful life of the saddle is not really limited. With proper care, it will last a lifetime. Of course, you only use these saddles for showing; for normal training, you have one or two good training saddles. Generally, a well-made saddle fits most horses, so you don't need a special saddle for each horse. Of course, each horse had its own pad (saddlecloth), and for competitions, there were extra over-pads that you simply put on top of the horse's own pad, and of course, color-coordinated with the rider's outfit.
After we had cleaned everything, we started to put the things into the trucks. The saddles, bridles, halters were put in the designated places. The cleaning supplies and the “make-up box” for the horses were stowed away. We put a lot of other equipment in as well. Finally, we packed our own things into the living area of the truck. We also packed some concentrated feed and hay for the horses in one of the trucks, as this was rarely available at the shows, and if it was, it was extremely expensive. And with my five horses now included, plus Dennis' “new” horse, and Frank and Tanja's two horses on top of that, we had enough space in the horse area to store everything safely.
Another rider from our stable was traveling with us. Martina was already 20 and actually quite nice, or at least she could be, but mostly she was extremely bitchy and snooty, so she preferred to do her thing alone and avoided us. It should be fine with me, because she was extremely annoying. Actually, she was just jealous because, despite years of riding lessons and numerous training camps, she had only rarely managed to beat me or even Dennis. During the whole afternoon, when we were still up to mischief, she also prepared her two horses, and after we had already packed everything, she was still busy making her horses look beautiful. It's a shame when the horses are just as bitchy as their owner.
Frank and Tanja were also there in the afternoon, preparing their things and helping to load the transporters, and we had a lot of fun with it. The two had been together for over five years and had married half a year ago. They had met here at the stable and the party after the wedding also took place in the stable's restaurant. It was a great party. Fifty invited guests and it went on well into the night. After we had finished the last preparations for tomorrow, we sat comfortably in the riders' lounge and had a drink. At some point, we had to leave because we had to leave early the next morning. After a last look at the stables, Dennis and I drove to my house, where my mother had prepared a small snack for us. Then we both took a shower and shortly afterwards we were lying in my double bed. I had offered Dennis the sofa bed in my living room for his first sleepover, but he preferred to sleep in my bed. On the one hand, it was a torture for me, but on the other hand, I felt so safe with him. I wondered if we had forgotten something important, but I didn't have long to dwell on it, because soon I was peacefully in Morpheus' arms.
Maybe I should say a few words about Sam. He was our stable dog, so to speak. In the morning, when my father went to the stable, he always took him with him and the dog then stayed at the stable all day until I took him home in the evening. I thought it was very practical, so I didn't have to go for hours of walks every day, since he got enough exercise during the day. And Sam was a pretty active dog. He would romp around the area all day, and sometimes you wouldn't see him for half a day. However, he was so well trained that he never left the stables. But then he would have gotten into trouble. We got him from the animal shelter a little over 2 years ago, because our old dog had died. The animals were generally in very good condition, even though it was obvious that they lacked domestic care. As I crept along the corridors with my parents, I stopped in front of Sam's kennel. He looked at me from the back corner of the 5 square meter area that he could call his own. He sat there extremely intimidated. His eyes literally screamed for us to take him with us. After I had permission, I went to the kennel and stood at the entrance. After all, it was the “house” of this dog, and I was only the guest. Sam tilted his head and looked at me intently. I slowly squatted down and continued to look at him. You could see him wrinkling his nose and trying to smell something. After a short time, he began to get up, came slowly towards me and stopped in front of me. Then I could see it. His fur on his back was extremely short and ragged. It looked like whole tufts of hair had been pulled out of him in even strips.
“He's never done that before. As soon as someone enters the dog house, he goes to the farthest corner until they've left,” the animal keeper informed us.
“What happened to him?”
“Apparently, he was beaten with a belt by his owners. They apologized by saying that he had defecated in their apartment.”
“Well, a brilliant achievement. He's only half a year old, right?”
“Pretty much, actually.”
I turned back to the dog.
“Well, little one, you had some fine masters.”
Sam tilted his head again and came a little closer. I carefully moved my hand towards him, very slowly. Immediately, his head went back a bit and he took cover.
“It's okay, little one, no one will hurt you anymore.”
He seemed to understand me. His body relaxed again and, curious as he was, he stretched his head towards me again. Just as carefully as the dog moved towards me, I moved my hand towards him. Inch by inch. I let him sniff my hand thoroughly at first. When he had smelled enough, he turned to the side, but without letting my hand out of his sight for a second. Slowly, I put my hand on his soft fur and let it stay there for a while. I could feel him breathing out clearly.
That was that. A glance at my parents and our new dog would be this poor little worm. After another half hour, all formalities, vaccinations and the like were completed. Fortunately, the animal shelter already knew us, since we had also gotten our last dog here. They knew that Sam would be fine with us. After he had received his last injection from the veterinarian, I was allowed to pick him up. He curiously eyed my parents while sitting next to me in the back seat of our jeep.
The first few months were very exhausting, because as soon as someone spoke a little louder or made a quick movement, he immediately disappeared into the furthest corner of the room. That's why he was only out and about near our house at the beginning, because we didn't want to confront him with so many people at once.
I also found out very soon how he had probably been beaten. It must have been a belt. Because I was about to put on a new pair of jeans and removed the belt from the old trousers. As soon as Sam saw what I was doing, he hid under the coffee table. I immediately realized what was going on and dropped the belt and sat down next to the coffee table. After I had calmed him down enough to come out from under the table, I took him into the bedroom. I sat down next to the belt. Sam looked at me with big, frightened eyes.
“Hey, Sam, you don't need to be afraid. I just want to change. Nobody wants to hit you.”
Again he tilted his head. That was probably his way of saying that he had understood me. I put my hand on the loop of the belt, and Sam flinched.
“Don't be afraid, have faith in me.”
I slowly picked up the belt and put it in front of Sam, but left my hand on the buckle. He looked at me and the belt shyly. He was always curious and so he was in this case, too. Slowly, his nose went towards the belt. I gently stroked his head and scratched behind his ears. We did this training every day, and after a good week, I was even able to put Sam's hated object on his back without him getting scared.
There was only one problem with this test we passed together: since then, he has had a thing about tug-of-war with me. I must have bought my 8th belt since we got Sam. Another development also became clear. Sam listened to my parents, but only as long as I wasn't around. The only thing that helped then was bribery in the form of dog biscuits or something...
The next morning I was awakened by a draft on my chest, which was unpleasant at first. When I looked closely, I noticed that Dennis must have turned in his sleep and now his head was on my chest. This sight was both appealing and repulsive. On the one hand, I was frightened by the unintentional closeness of Dennis, but on the other hand, it was what I had wanted for a long time. But being so absorbed in these impossible dreams of hope was simply torture for me. I didn't know how to react. How should I, after all, I had only experienced such moments in my dreams until now. In my dreams, I had always caressed the boy's cheek tenderly, gently stroked his neck and watched him sleep. I was doing that at the moment too, I was looking at Dennis. And it was just beautiful. Dennis lay peacefully like an angel on my chest and it seemed that at that moment he was one with the stars, the earth, the universe, indeed the whole universe. How I would have liked to have taken his head in my hands and awakened him with an intense but tender kiss. Yes, how I would have liked to. But unfortunately I was much too cowardly, and besides, I didn't even know if Dennis felt the same way and if he was gay at all. And even if he was, it was probably just an accident that he was lying on top of me like that.
If I hadn't been so absorbed in my ruminations, I would have certainly burst into tears because of the situation. And it was definitely humiliating. My dream boy was lying on my chest and I didn't even dare to breathe so that he wouldn't wake up. I was too afraid that I would destroy this moment for eternity.
But what was that? Dennis slowly turned away from me. Had he noticed that I had been looking at him the whole time? Although that was simply impossible. Completely out of the question. How could he have noticed, after all he was still deeply asleep. I was worrying about nothing.
So I got up and went to take a shower. The warm water would clear my mind and eventually I would laugh at this moment. But at this point, a thousand other thoughts were running through my head. Should I talk to Dennis? Should I talk to my parents? How would they react? What would they do? Would they understand?
After a quarter of an hour I was finally ready and had made a decision. It was probably wrong, but it had to be done. If not today, then when? So I went over to the kitchen.
“Good morning, Basti. What are you doing up so early?”
“Morning mom, I couldn't sleep anymore.”
“Since when can't you sleep? I don't know of anyone who can sleep longer at a stretch than you.”
What should I say? That Dennis had driven me crazy with his presence? Pretty bad, so quickly make up a white lie.
“Oh, Dennis started up a whole sawmill, right in my bedroom. You would have woken up voluntarily too. And besides, I can still get some sleep on the drive.”
“Oh, I see... Yes, I know those sawmill arias from your father.”
“Where is Dad, by the way?”
“He's at the bakery getting rolls.”
“Why is that? I thought you bought extra ones to bake yesterday.”
“That's right, but we can burn them in the fireplace in winter after your father has made briquettes out of them. But he should be back in a moment.”
I was now sitting in my seat and poured myself a large cup of coffee when I heard the jeep's engine outside. Shortly afterwards, my father was standing in the doorway and stopped abruptly.
“Christa, would you please give me the calendar?”
“Not necessary anymore. I've already put a red cross on it.”
It's nice when your own parents make fun of you, so you really don't need any enemies anymore. No, it wasn't that bad, and inside I was grinning to myself. But I wanted to take advantage of this good mood.
“Ma, Pops, I need to talk to you.”
“What's up?”
“Please sit down.” Two skeptical pairs of eyes looked at me. I swallowed another big loaf and then started.
“I have something important to tell you. This is anything but easy for me... So, I'll make it short, otherwise I'll never get it out. I'm gay.”
Silence. Suddenly, the whole table was quiet. My father reached for the rolls, while my mother poured herself some coffee. Somehow I felt like I was in a wrong movie.
“Have you actually listened to me? I said I'm gay.”
“We already understood that,” my father answered me now. ‘But we already know that. But it's nice that you still trust us.”
“How?’ I blushed bright red.
“I think I'll have to explain that then. When you were at the last tournament, Klara (our cleaning lady) and I cleaned your bungalow. And I also wiped the living room cabinet. And then I noticed a magazine.” I just hope my mother noticed my even redder head and didn't go into the details in more detail. ”And even if I'm no longer so hip, as you call it, I'm not stupid. So I put one and one together and it was clear to me what was going on.”
“That's right. But that doesn't change the fact that you're our son, and whenever there are problems, we'll stand behind you.”
“Thanks, Dad. And thanks to you, too, Mom, especially for not describing your find in more detail.”
“Oh, you mean the magazine with the naked men and stuff? I flicked through it a bit, and there are some really cute guys in it. If I was young again, I'd order one of them.”
“Mom!”
“Oh son, even parents, as unlikely as it may seem to you children, have a sex life. And don't worry, I won't say any more about it. But since we're on the subject. Always take care of yourself. Use condoms, that's what they're for.” I nodded silently. No sooner had the blood left my head halfway than my mother managed to make me blush again. “And now let me hug you.”
First there was a hugging orgy, then I was grilled about whether I had found someone yet, which I denied, but said that there was someone I could imagine as a future boyfriend. My mother still meant, she would have there a suspicion, which she did not want to express however, like me, also. Afterwards I began my breakfast, naturally muesli with Schokostückchen and chocolate milk and in addition the mandatory cup coffee - one is adult. We talked a little more about what my future husband should look like, until I said that we should change the subject, since Dennis would probably show up soon. And I was right. After he had also had breakfast, my parents drove us to the stables.
At the stable, it was still quite early in the morning, and it was just 9 o'clock. Except for us and one of the grooms, Hans, there was no one there. We made our way to the stable while my father drove one of the transporters to the stables. My mother had gone home again to get some food, dog food and the papers. She would then drive the Jeep behind us later. My father would drive one of the transporters and one of the grooms would drive the other. Tanja and Frank arrived at the stables while we were getting the first horses ready for the journey. The horses were given padded leggings that reached above the knee on their legs and were loaded one after the other. When all the horses were stowed away, I went through my equipment again, just to be sure that I hadn't forgotten anything. At half past ten, Dennis and I packed ourselves into the front transporter, along with the dog, and set off, followed by Tanja and Frank's horses, which Hans was transporting. My mother was behind our “train” in the jeep.
I didn't really notice much of the drive, because as soon as we were on the highway, I must have fallen asleep. So I'll take this opportunity to introduce you to all my horses. First of all, there's Sunny (Pinball's Sunshine), a 7-year-old sorrel mare who was mainly at home in reining, but also did well in trail. Then there was Woodie (A Wooden Pine's Jack), a 6-year-old bay gelding, who was mainly a trail horse but also good at western riding and reining. Maid (Maidenly Pride), a 5-year-old palomino mare, was also perfect at trail and reining, and I was currently training her in western riding. She had very good potential but, due to her age, was not yet as perfect as she should be. Then there was Rosie (Rosebud's Lady), an 8-year-old chestnut mare who was a truly perfect western riding horse but also performed very solidly in pleasure and trail. And last but not least, my youngster Blue (A Blooming Smell of Blue), a 4-year-old black gelding that I had brought over from America just this winter. He was a really great horse in Pleasure, and he was also already really good at Hunter under Saddle. At the moment, I was in the process of introducing him to the first jumps for Hunter Hack, and this week was supposed to be his debut in “show business”. Besides, I taught all the horses showmanship myself, and I was able to use them in horsemanship.
Meanwhile, we left the highway and I was gently but firmly awakened by Dennis. Sleepily, I looked at him.
“So, enough snoring, about a quarter of an hour and we'll be there. You want to look halfway fit when we get out, don't you?”
“That's right, but if anyone snores here, it's you. Or why do you think I was up so early this morning?”
“So bad? Well, I didn't hear anything.“ He said and showed me his tongue.
“Worse!” I also had a nice tongue.
“Boys, behave yourselves. Or do you want me to hear the other parents grumble about you again?”
“Oh, Torsten, don't be like that. We're always well-behaved.”
“Of course, just as well-behaved as a young dog.”
“Woof!”
With these words, we then also reached the show grounds. It was past 1 p.m. because we were stuck in traffic for quite a long time on the way around Munich. First, we went to the registration office to find out which stable tent our horses were in. Then we got the wheelbarrows out of the transporter and put the sawdust, which was provided for all riders, in the horses' boxes. We had rented two more boxes, one for the not so expensive equipment like cleaning supplies, the other for the food we had taken with us. After the boxes were prepared, we unloaded the horses and brought them to their respective boxes, with Sam constantly jumping around at our feet. When we had also stowed the equipment, I first went through the schedule, which was in the program booklet. With four starts, it was relatively tight, since I also had to change horses and possibly change clothes. I clarified this with the show office first, who immediately took action and took it into account in the starting order, so that I had enough time for the changes there. After all that was settled and we had eaten a bite, we set about familiarizing the horses with the facilities. Which meant warming up in the show arena and in the warm-up arena that was available for the riders during the competition to prepare the horses for the start. Unfortunately, the obstacles for the trail were not freely accessible for the horses, so we could not show them to the horses. It was hard to tell where Sam was, but he was probably at one of the food stands, begging for something. I couldn't chain him up all day or anything like that. Since I was already used to such things, I hadn't packed much food.
In the meantime, some friends of ours had arrived with their horses. Little by little, they also rode their horses off. I was still waiting for Maik, who was 18, and his brother Sascha, who would turn 17 at the end of the year. As I was cleaning Blue, the two of them came into the stable tent, where we were also, with their horses. Maik was pushing a large wheelbarrow of sawdust, while Sascha was carrying a pitchfork.
“Hey you two. I thought you weren't coming today.”
“Well, as if we could just leave you alone. But the highway from Passau here was totally full. Why do the Whitsun holidays in northern Germany have to end a week before us? It took us almost six hours, normally we can do it in half with a trailer.”
“Oh, don't get upset. Better give them a hug.” We had only seen each other four weeks ago, but I was still really happy to meet them here. After I had hugged them both, I went back to getting Blue ready to ride. I had just finished saddling when Maik and Sascha unloaded their horses.
“Basti, who are you saddling?”
“Sascha, I'd like you to meet Blue. My new golden horse.”
“He's yours? Wow! He's a real beauty!”
“Then take a look at how he moves.”
“I will, but first we have to stow the horses and equipment. And then we'll also ride our four, and then I'll take a look at Blue.”
“Ok, I'll see you later in the hall.”
“Oh, where is Dennis?”
“He is currently riding Rosie dry for me.”
I led Blue out of the stable tent, mounted and rode to the hall. On the way, I saw that Martina, the bitch, had also arrived. Visibly annoyed, she got out of her car. I grinned to myself and began to warm up.
After I had put Blue back in his box, I went with Dennis to our “kingdom” and we ate a few sandwiches with sausage. After we had finished our meal, the horses were also given something to eat. When we had taken care of all eight, we still had to braid the horses' manes. Not in the classic style, as you know it from English riding, but with sections of the mane about half a centimeter to one centimeter wide being separated off with elastics in matching colors. I was just on my second mane when Maik and Sascha had finished warming up.
“Oh, Basti, I wanted to tell you: your Blue is a really awesome horse. How old is he?”
“He's four.”
“What? And he's already so cool at his first show?”
“It surprised me a bit, too, but I don't mind. But what else? Didn't you bring your caravan?”
“No, after one of our Jeeps packed up last week, Ma had to drive our stuff in her little Golf.”
“Oh, shit. So where are you sleeping now?”
“In one of the horse trailers, at least it's not that cold anymore.”
“Don't be deceived. It's still relatively fresh at night.”
“That's right, but we have our good sleeping bags with us. We're used to it from before.”
Until they got a caravan last year, the two of them always slept in a horse trailer. And even though they were experienced in such survival skills, I didn't want to put them through that. There were always shower containers, similar to the porta-potties, but the weather wasn't really pleasant enough yet to sleep more or less outdoors. But then I thought of something.
“If you want, you can use our second horse trailer.”
“Isn't that occupied by Frank and Tanja?” Maik wanted to know.
“Actually yes, but Frank's cousin lives about 10 minutes by car from here and they are staying with her. So the trailer is free. And even if it wasn't, we'd still have enough space in my van, because there's an extra bed above the driver's cab.”
“Well, if we could have it, that would be really great. It makes moving before the show and everything so much easier.”
“Sure, I'll just finish the manes here, then you can put your stuff in there.”
“Great. Thanks a lot.”
“Hey, I'm not going to let my friends freeze to death when the second van is practically empty. You just have to arrange something with Frank and Tanja about moving during the day.”
“That shouldn't be a problem. Then let's get the manes done so that we can get to bed soon. After all, it's almost 10 and I have to work with Moddy first thing in the morning.”
“Well, you only have to prepare two horses each. I have five, so don't complain,” I grinned at them. ”But that reminds me. How's your new Sascha doing?”
“He's fine, but he still has a week of quarantine ahead of him (horses that are flown in from America have to be kept in quarantine for a few weeks before they come into contact with other horses to prevent the risk of disease or similar) before he can leave the stable. But you'll see him at the next show.”
“I'm looking forward to it.”
And with further information exchange, we all set to work on the various manes.
“Damn, Maik, I just remembered that the second trailer doesn't have electricity yet. Are you coming to the registration office with me?”
“Sure, after all, it's about our electricity.”
So we left the other two alone and sorted everything out with the registration office, which only collected the money and gave us a connection cable. More or less, everything was billed at a flat rate. One day of electricity for the transporter cost so and so much, one week a box, this, and a start that. Well, it was easier logistically than having a separate electricity meter for each electricity consumer. After the money had changed hands, we went back to the stables.
“... well, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you in any case,” I heard Sascha say.
“Hey, no conspiracies against me here, not that I'm beaten by my former horse...”
“Don't worry, if I'm not at the start, you're welcome to win.”
“You're too gracious. I guess I'll always have to be grateful to you.” Dennis stuck out his tongue at me. ‘And he calls himself a friend.”
“Oh, so everything worked out with the rewriting, I see,’ Maik asked.
“Of course. You should have seen the look on Dennis's face. Unfortunately, I forgot my digicam.”
“The two of them knew about it too.”
“Dennis, everyone knew except you.”
Meanwhile, we were back to grooming the horses.
“So, done. Now fill up with water again, and then we can get ready for bed.”
After we had refilled the horses' buckets with fresh water and Sam had joined us after a bit of shouting, we all grabbed some of Sasha and Maik's things and took them to our second trailer. I briefly explained the technology to them, then Dennis and I said goodbye.
'Well, that's settled then. You won't be doing much tonight anyway, and if you have any problems, don't try things out, just ask me or Dennis. The technology is quite sensitive.
'Don't worry, we'll take care of it.
“Well then, I wish you a good night, you don't need any help tomorrow morning, do you?”
“No, it's just me and Moddy, the two of us can manage it. We'll also give your horses fresh water.”
“Great, that's nice. Then we'll disappear.”
After we had all said good night, Dennis and I went to our trailer. After the evening washing ritual, we went to bed. Even though we didn't have to get up extremely early, we were still quite tired. Such an arrival day at a tournament is quite exhausting and so it happened that I heard Dennis breathing peacefully next to me just a few minutes after going to bed. A short time later, I too had fallen asleep...

I am sitting in my favorite coffee house in Salzburg, between Neutor and Pferdeschwemme – world-famous for its milk cream strudel with homemade vanilla sauce. The café is quite busy, with only a few tables still available. The two waitresses, two nice ladies, are quite friendly and serve the customers quickly and skillfully. At the next table, two gentlemen around 65 are sitting and chatting intimately. I think of my long-time best friend Clemens. Will we ever sit here like this? This thought brings a smile to my face. One table further along, in the left corner of an alcove, sits a married couple who don't seem to have much to say to each other.
People watching is my favorite pastime! I just love it! The door opens and two young boys enter the café, walk past me holding hands and sit down at the free, right corner table opposite the couple. My goodness, how the two boys shine. Oh, love is just something beautiful! I estimate them to be around 16. The waitress takes their order in a friendly manner and scurries off grinning. I think to myself: pure harmony! And the service staff also seems to be enjoying it. I let my gaze wander. The two older gentlemen are whispering and one of them gestures covertly to the two. The order is brought. It looks like a double ice cream sundae. A large container, a heart-shaped plastic straw for two and two spoons. The waitress smiles as she wishes them bon appétit. The two look happily into each other's eyes and plant a little kiss on the lips. Then my eyes linger on the husband, who looks anything but friendly.
Oops! I see rejection, hatred, anger! I start to shift nervously on my seat and prepare myself to rush to the lovebirds' aid. The husband is obviously talking himself into a rage with his wife. He's like a pressure cooker that could explode at any moment. The two older gentlemen are obviously hearing what's coming out of the aggressive man's mouth and shaking their heads. Hm, why are they shaking their heads? Because of the boys or the husband? The situation is gradually coming to a head, but the boys are so busy with each other that they don't even notice the approaching disaster. Holding hands, kissing and happily sipping and spooning their ice cream, I catch sight of the two waitresses and see their concern for the boys on their faces. Suddenly, without warning, it breaks over the love couple.
“You abnormal bastards, aren't you ashamed of yourselves! You are so repulsive. Something so disgusting should be banned! You should be beaten to death and thrown on the garbage, you scum, perverted freaks!”
I'm about to jump up when a man of about 40 rushes past me, stands between the two and the aggressor. The boys are shocked at first, then tears run down both of their cheeks.
“My wife and I would be happy to switch tables with you, it's at the other end of the restaurant,” the man says, pointing in that direction. But the husband simply ignores the offer and continues to rant.
Then the man cuts him off and says that he has three children, all of whom are in happy relationships. That's the best thing that parents can experience.” He doesn't get a chance to finish, the husband now gets up and gets really loud! Just as I was about to get up, one of the older gentlemen at the next table stands up, goes behind one of the boys, puts his hands on his shoulder and shouts very loudly in a sonorous voice: “R U H E”. The husband falls silent and looks at the older gentleman in puzzlement. He begins to speak calmly again:
“It doesn't matter whether someone is heterosexual or homosexual. If the love is sincere, honest and deep, then that's the way it is. They have done nothing to you or anyone here! I think it's great that young people feel this love and they should be allowed to show it. And if God, as you say, finds it perverse, then I wonder why he has endowed these two with so much beauty, grace, love and insanely hot bodies. Besides, they were not struck by lightning or otherwise punished by God. For my part, I am proud of my grandson for standing by his love for this boy. I don't expect you to apologize to my grandson and his friend, but I do expect you to pay and then leave, because otherwise I can't and won't guarantee your health, because you should know that I was an instructor for close combat in a special unit of the army until I retired, and if you don't leave immediately, then God help you!” The older gentleman barks the last part rather than says it. The boy drops his head back and looks at the man from below. “Grandpa?”, he breathes in complete surprise. He can't say anything more.
The waitress is already standing by to collect, she already has the bill in her hand, the couple pays and leaves the restaurant. The boy jumps up and falls around his grandfather's neck. He, in turn, strokes his grandson's hair and says with a grin, “May I congratulate you both on your exceptionally good taste!” He winks at the second man and says, “Come here, my boy, let your grandpa-in-law give you a hug.” Grandpa, grandson and friend thank the man, who then goes back to his seat. 

Now the older gentleman turns around and goes to his table. When he asks his friend to join the boys, he looks me in the eye, from which a few tears are running down my cheeks.
“Are you all right?” he asks me. I can't say anything at the moment, so I gesture for him not to worry about me. I wipe away the tears, clear my throat and try to regain my composure.
In the meantime, the four of them are sitting together at the table, talking animatedly. Again and again, the older gentleman and then his grandson look over at me. I smile at the boy and call the waiter so that I can pay.
The waiter must have noticed my tears earlier, apologizes for the incident and presents the bill. I ask her if the ice cream sundae for the two boys has already been paid for, to which she replies in the negative. I indicate that I will pay for it as well, to which she responds with a broad grin. She turns around, goes to the table of the four men and clears it, saying something and pointing to me.
The two older gentlemen smile at me, the two boys are obviously pleased and shout “THANK YOU” at the same time with a broad grin. I put on my jacket and go to the table of four after all.
“I wish you both good luck! Unfortunately, there will always be a-holes like that who want to make life miserable for you. Stand by each other and be happy! I wish that for you with all my heart.” I feel my eyes welling up again, turn around and leave the coffee house.
Tears continue to run down my face. I love my wife and children more than anything! I really do and I wouldn't want to be without them! And yet... Why didn't I admit to my love for boys and my “predisposition” 30 years ago and instead suppressed these feelings? Now it's too late! My heart is heavy. Again I feel the pain in my chest.
There is a burning longing in my heart that is getting louder and louder and that I will never be able to satisfy until I close my eyes forever...

It was the first day of school after the summer vacation, the first day of my last year at school. I was still really tired as I sat next to my best friend Jule at eight in the morning.
Jule was exactly one day older than me, so she would soon be 18. She had gorgeous auburn hair that she usually wore in a braid. She was a beautiful, slender, athletic girl. We lived on the same street and had been inseparable since kindergarten.
She was the only person in the world who knew I was gay. She always said she knew before I did. I wasn't a troll myself. I was athletic, even if I would have liked a little less on my stomach, was 5'11” tall, had short black hair and blue eyes.
The holidays were, as always, too short. I had been to the outdoor pool almost every day to watch the swimmers from the local swimming club.
I was longing for that very moment when the door swung open and Mr. Möller, our teacher, came in with a new student.
He looked like the younger, sportier brother of the singer from Jupiter Jones. He also had slightly longer brown hair. He had doe eyes that didn't look shy at all. He was bursting with self-confidence, I sensed that immediately. And that despite the fact that the clothes he was wearing weren't even third-hand.
“So guys, this is Ian. Do you want to introduce yourself or take a seat?” Mr. Möller asked. Ian remained standing, everyone stared at him. He briefly explained that he was half American and that he and his mother had moved to the town next to mine. He was already 18. At the end of his introduction, he laughed charmingly and said, ”Oh, and one more thing. By the way, I'm gay.”
I gasped – at least only Jule heard me through the ensuing chatter. She put her hand on my thigh.
My heart was racing and I had trouble concentrating. I was kind of angry. Why had he done that? Was he so hell-bent on being the center of attention? What an arrogant jerk!
My first stop during the break was the smoking area. I hadn't smoked in two weeks, but I bummed a cigarette and lit it while I sat on a wall. I inhaled deeply and coughed hard, but my nerves finally calmed down.
I sat between Florian and Jens, who were already talking shit about Ian. “Jan, don't you have an opinion about that?” Florian asked. The question was addressed to me. “I don't care,” I grumbled. “As long as he doesn't hit on me.” I withdrew from the further conversation.
When I re-entered the classroom at the end of the break, the girls were gathering around Ian. “Why are they still interested?” I wondered. When I even recognized Jule among the hens, I was in a really bad mood.
The bell rang and Mr. Blome entered the classroom. Jule quickly scurried to her seat, grabbed a small piece of paper, wrote something on it and pushed it over to me. The guy is really cute, it said. Do you think so? I wrote back. Of course!!! And he has English and P.E. like you! “Great,” I thought. I don't think I like him, I wrote. Oh nonsense, you are just afraid because he dares to say that he is gay. Actually, you like him, she wrote. I think he wants to be a bit too much in the center of attention and I don't like him, I scribbled. Jule looked at the note briefly, then smiled at me motherly and wrote, but you do! I watched the teacher at the blackboard and thought for a moment, then I wrote, you might be right. But I don't know if and how I should address him. I don't want him to broadcast it right away – look, Jan's gay!!! I pushed the note over to her, then looked up again and was startled to see Mr. Blome standing next to me.
He held out his hand and asked for the note. He used to read such notes with a grin in front of the class and publicly correct the mistakes.
The class was as quiet as a mouse. “You know it's forbidden to write notes, so hand them over,” he looked at me with his pale blue eyes. “This is private,” I replied. I had put both my forearms on the paper. “Hand it over, or you'll be expelled,” he threatened. ‘Fine,’ I said, standing up, ‘then I'll go outside.’ The class laughed, the teacher reached for the note, I held on to it. A scuffle broke out, I got the note back, put it in my mouth, chewed it and swallowed it. Mr. Blome exploded and threw me out on my ear.
I spent the double period outside the classroom. Unfortunately, I had my cell phone in my backpack and it was really boring.
Mr. Möller came down the hall once. “What's going on here?” he asked paternally. “Eating is forbidden,” I answered cheekily, and he shook his head as he continued on his way.
The rest of the school day was uneventful.
The delivery service had left my food on the doorstep, as it did every Thursday. I picked it up and went into the empty house. My parents were journalists at a major newspaper and they almost always worked. I sometimes saw them at weekends or late at night. There were times when they were away for weeks at a time. During that time, Jules' parents were my foster parents.
Thursdays were the worst days to meet them, because the editorial team met then.
I ate my meal alone in front of the TV.
In the afternoon I had arranged to meet Jule at the open-air pool. We watched the swimmers again. We had a favorite spot from which we could see the whole pool.
Jule had been holding back about Ian since morning. But I sensed that her head was boiling. “Come on,” I urged, “just say it.”
“You two would make a cute couple,” she said sheepishly.
I waved that off. “I'd make a cute couple with this guy,” I said, pointing discreetly at the young man pulling himself out of the water. He was well-trained and wore only a tight swimsuit that promised a lot. Jule rolled her eyes. “Maybe, but he's not into boys. He likes girls.” She got up, went over to Bernhard, her boyfriend, and kissed him. Grinning, she came back.
“Aren't you tired of always just watching? Don't you want to feel closeness too?” she asked. I shrugged my shoulders, squinting at the sun, which was in the wrong position. ‘I feel close to you.”
“Janni, I also mean sex, kissing, petting. Whatever.’ She sat down again and we enjoyed the view in silence.
“I want it all,” I said after a while, ‘but it's not that easy either. I couldn't just come out and say, ’By the way, I'm gay.‘ And I can't just go up to him and say, ’I'm gay too,' just because he's gay. Do you understand? I don't even know him, so how can I know if he's trustworthy? I can't.” Jule stroked my back comfortingly. “Well, then let's get to know him first.”
Getting to know each other went faster than expected. Jule and I had stayed in the swimming pool too long, so we just missed the last bus home. ‘Shit, now we have to walk,’ she moaned. I didn't feel like walking, but I didn't have any money for a taxi either. I tried to hitchhike when a car arrived.
Many cars just drove by. But suddenly one stopped. Ian was behind the wheel. “Do you want a ride?” he asked. Jule immediately jumped into the back seat of the car. I think it was a Peugeot.
“Where are you coming from?” I asked, hoping I didn't sound too insecure.
“From the city, I had hoped to be able to work as a pizza delivery boy, but nothing. I need a job,“ he complained. Jule thought for a moment in silence, while Ian told me that he needed his own car because his mother's belonged to him.
“My uncle has a delivery company,” Jule finally said. “Maybe they need someone.”
“Really, would you put me in touch with them? That would be great,” Ian's eyes sparkled with joy.
The ride didn't take too long, and eventually Ian dropped me off at my house. He insisted on driving Jule to her house, and we made fun of him by making him stop two houses later.
I waved goodbye to my friend and went into the house. My father was actually at home. He was sitting on the sofa, his feet on the coffee table, a sure sign that my mother was not there.
“Hi, where were you?” he asked. My father had just turned 40 and still looked very good. Of course, I had to say that because everyone always judged immediately, ‘he looks like the father.’ I sat down with him in front of the TV. He was watching a football highlights show. ‘Swimming,’ I replied. ‘With Juliane?’ he asked. I nodded. “I don't even know, is she your girlfriend?” my father asked. I shook my head. “She's cute, though,” he said, grinning. “Yes,” I replied, “but she's like my sister and I'm not a pervert.” He laughed and I just laughed along. “I was thinking of ordering a pizza, do you want one too?” he asked. I did.
So we sat there eating pizza and drinking beer while watching the sports show. Yes, my father actually had a crate of beer that he shared with me in a fatherly way. That evening was something new for me; I hadn't seen my father like that in a long time. And the beer was a first.
We went to bed late. I hadn't drunk as much as my father in a long time, but I couldn't handle too much anyway.
The next morning, I found it hard to get up. I just couldn't get going. I was still drinking my coffee when Jule was already ringing the doorbell. “Come on, come on, we'll miss the bus,” she urged me. We only just managed to see the bus's rear lights. We were too late to get out of our street.
Jule sulked a bit. “Sorry,” I said.
“Why were you so slow today? Great, Blome in the first hour,” she growled.
“I was drinking with my father last night. And watching football,” I replied. ‘Really? You never have alcohol in the house. What happened to the self-confessed teetotaler?’ she asked curiously. I was about to answer when a familiar car drove up. 

“Can I give you a lift somewhere?” asked Ian. Jule was instantly delighted and immediately jumped back into the back seat. I sat down next to Ian. ‘We missed the bus again,’ I explained. ‘Seems to happen to you guys a lot, huh?’ He had an honest and infectious laugh. ‘Say,’ Jule looked thoughtful, ”do you always come by car in the morning?”
Ian nodded. “As long as my mom has her company car,” he replied.
“Couldn't you always give us a lift then? I hate taking the bus,” she asked. I immediately felt a nausea, which I actively suppressed. Being so close to an out gay guy every morning, who looked really good up close and had a very beguiling deodorant, made me nervous. Ian said that he would of course take us with him and asked us for our cell phone numbers so that he could contact us in good time if something happened to the company car.
We arrived at the school before the school bus. The last chance to have a quick smoke. So off to the smoking corner. I heard Ian ask, “Where is he going?” I was already too far away to hear Jules' answer.
I smoked my cigarette and regretted not having some grass too. I mean, I wasn't a real pothead, only occasionally I would extend a cigarette or two to relax extremely. So it stayed with the normal cigarette. Then I trundled to the classroom.
On Fridays after school I always had band practice. Yes, I played in a band. I played bass guitar. I could also play violin and double bass, but the bass guitar made the biggest impression on my friends and acquaintances, so I usually dropped the other instruments.
Our band covered pop songs, so it wasn't anything outstanding. But I just enjoyed it. Unfortunately, our drummer had left. Without him, we only sounded half as good. “I was talking to an old friend the other day,” Lena said, after everyone had said how much Markus was missed. Markus had left the band when Lena broke up with him. “Her cousin plays the drums. She said she'd send him over sometime.”
My father was home again. I was starting to get worried. “Oh,” I said, “are you on vacation?” He nodded. Then he immersed himself in a newspaper again.
I snuck into my room. As soon as I was upstairs, my cell phone rang. It was Jule. “Where have you been?” she reprimanded. “I made plans with Ian. He'll pick us up at eight. We're going to the Deele. Put on something hot.”
So I should put on something hot. Great, but what? I didn't have anything hot. I went through my closet at least eight times, made a huge mess in my room, and then sat on my bed in resignation. Suddenly my father was standing in the doorway. “Are you doing a fashion show?” he asked with a grin. I replied sourly, “I wanted to go out, now I don't know what to wear.”
He shook his head slightly. “So you want to make an impression?” he asked, and I hoped he wouldn't notice how embarrassed I was. He looked around at the clothes chaos, grabbed a pair of black jeans and a blue shirt with stripes. “I wouldn't iron the shirt, or you'll look dressed up,” he advised.
Half an hour later, I appeared downstairs in the living room. I thought I looked really hot. My father had great taste. And I noticed that he had bought another case of beer. He handed me one and looked at me firmly. “Janni, there will probably always be a case of beer in the house. One case every two weeks. I don't want to have to drink my after-work beer in a bar in the future. My beer is your beer, but if you drink it all, you have to get more.” That was quite an announcement.
My parents had been avowed teetotallers for as long as I could remember. My mother's brother had died of alcoholism early on. I would never have dreamt that my father secretly enjoyed a beer after work. ‘What will Mom say?’ I asked. My father laughed briefly. “Well, she'll probably be okay with it, we're not getting drunk. No, seriously, yesterday was an exception. But nothing speaks against a bottle of beer at the soccer game.”
Soon after, I went to pick up Jule.
She looked great as always. If I had been straight, she would have been my great love. But she was great anyway, somehow.
I told her about my father, and she also found his behavior very strange. “Where is your mom anyway?” she asked. “Have you seen her in the last few days?”
I thought for a moment. Then I shrugged. ‘I don't know if she was home,’ I finally admitted.
Jule suppressed a laugh. “You guys are a weird bunch,” she grinned. “By the way, you look really hot tonight,” she said, eyeing me up.
“Thanks.” I grinned. ‘My dad picked out my clothes.’ I had to swear to her three times because she didn't want to believe it.
Ian arrived at eight sharp. He was simply wearing jeans and a T-shirt. This time I was faster than Jule; before she knew it, I had entered the car. Ian was in a good mood, but you could tell he was a bit nervous. I liked that; it made him less perfect.
The Deele was the only kind of pub in our area. We sat down at a table and told each other our life stories. Jule and I sat next to each other on one side, Ian on the other.
He told us about his childhood in New Jersey, about his parents' separation when he was 14, and about moving to his mother's homeland. I was amazed that he spoke German without an accent. He said his mother was a German teacher and therefore took it very seriously that he and his sister Virginia spoke German very well. His sister was two years older and had gone to New York to study.
Some of the music was quite good, so Jule and I often disappeared onto the dance floor. I liked dancing with Jule. Even though she always snuggled up against me like a cat, so that everyone around us thought we weren't dancing but having sex,
But at some point I had enough of dancing, so that after a lot of pushing and shoving, Jule disappeared on the dance floor with Ian and I had to watch the two of them. Now I found Jule's dancing style really annoying. She danced just as closely with Ian as she did with me. And I didn't like the fact that it seemed to please him.
Was that the reason for his outing? All the girls would be even more attracted to him. Because he didn't seem gay at all, it occurred to me. “What if he's not gay?”
“Who is that?” Bernhard's voice pulled me out of my thoughts.
“Oh, he's new in our class, don't worry, he's gay. Ian,” I replied. Bernhard sat down. “You know,” he said, leaning in a little towards me, “I trust her. And with you, her brother,” he put his fingers in quotation marks, “I've resigned myself, but if she gets a gay best friend now, I'll go crazy with jealousy.” Jule hadn't even told him about my orientation.
It didn't take long for Jule to discover her Bernhard and come back to the table. She kissed him passionately on the mouth. And plunged Ian into total confusion. “I thought you two were a couple,” he said. He really seemed a bit shocked. “No, we're just friends, nothing more,” I explained to him, not without using my favorite saying. “She's like my sister and I'm not a pervert.” I liked Bernhard a lot, he was 23 years old, he and Jule had been a couple for a year and he was good for her. On top of that, he looked fantastic, lived in his own apartment and earned good money as a warehouse clerk. I was almost a little jealous.
We went home late. Jule, of course, went with me to Bernhard's, so I had to go alone with Ian. I had one in the tea, not much, but I was not as uptight as usual. We laughed a lot and briefly, very briefly, our hands touched. When I was fiddling with the radio and he had enough of pop songs. I took this as a warning shot and turned my head back on. I didn't want him to know that I was gay too.
As he was about to stop in front of my house, a rabbit suddenly jumped across the street. I recognized it immediately. It was one of the rabbits of Jules' little sister Dannika. “Damn,” I cursed, “the rabbits are out.” I jumped out of the car and grabbed Konrad right away. The fat one was sitting in my parents' flower bed. Ian suggested putting him in the trunk until we had the two girls too. Mucki was stuck on our driveway. We surrounded her and Ian grabbed her in a flash. Now only Berta was missing. Then Ian spotted her on the lawn in front of Jules' house. She was so busy with the clover that she was easy to catch.
We took her to the rabbit hutch at the back of Jule's garden. “What an adventure,” Ian laughed as we returned to the car.
“Yes, with Jule I have a relationship for stealing horses, with her little sister only for catching rabbits.” I myself found that very funny at that moment. Ian just looked at me silently. The look was strange and I felt the blush on my face. I was glad it was still dark.
“Well,“ Ian said, ‘see you Monday.’ That wasn't a question, it was a statement. ‘But I'll be at the outdoor pool with Jule again tomorrow, just looking...’ Did I really just say that? I could have killed myself right then.
“Looking?” Ian asked.
“Well, you know, showing off, seeing if you can catch one,” I tried to sound macho. I didn't succeed particularly well. “Yeah,” Ian said. “Let me see, I'll get back to you.” He got into the car. I turned around and walked up our driveway. I expected the sound of the engine, but nothing came. Finally, I turned around and saw Ian cursing and looking for something. I went back.
“Did you maybe put the key in your pocket in the confusion?” he asked. I searched my pockets, but I didn't have it. Ian swore, surprisingly in English. It must have fallen out of his pocket during the chase. We searched as best we could, but there was nothing to be done before sunrise. “Just sleep with me, we'll find the key in the morning,” I suggested. I couldn't let him sleep outside after all. I was pretty cold from the cold. It was suddenly bitterly cold at night.
I unlocked the front door, shivering, and immediately showed Ian the way up the stairs. My realm was the attic. My room was quite small, with only room for my bed and my desk. My closet was in the hallway. But I had a guest bed in an even tinier room, and my own bathroom with a bathtub.
I quickly gave Ian some bedding. Then I got him another bottle of water and went briefly into the bathroom to change. I put on a pair of knee-length athletic shorts and a T-shirt. Normally, I only slept in my underwear, but I didn't dare to tonight.
When I came out of the bathroom, the light was already off in the guest room, but the door was slightly open. “Do you need any more sleep?” I asked.
Ian laughed. ”No, I always just sleep in my underpants, I still have them.”
A few minutes later I was lying in my bed. I couldn't fall asleep now, no matter how hard I tried. There was a guy in my guest bed, wearing only underpants, I wondered if he was wearing boxers. The thought didn't let me close an eye. No, it only gave me a very hard-on. At first I didn't dare to touch it at all, always listening to see if anything was happening in front of my door.
It was only when I was so horny that it hurt that I laid hands on it. I imagined how Ian would have to moan. I imagined what it would be like if I went over to him and took off his underpants and confronted him with my cock. I came violently and loudly. The latter frightened me so that I listened for ages to see if Ian had heard it.
I lay very still for what seemed like an eternity until the sperm on my stomach became uncomfortably cold and something began to itch. Then I got up, wiped myself off with another T-shirt and walked very quietly through the hallway to the bathroom. There I cleaned myself up properly and was just about to scurry quietly back to my room when I heard Ian's voice: “Tell me, do you feel the same way?” I was so startled that I held my breath for a few seconds.
“What?” I finally gasped.
“Can you see gays in the crowd, too? I mean, do you also have an eye for people who are different?” I didn't hear any mockery in his voice. I was afraid he had seen through me. ‘I don't know, I'm no different. Sleep well,’ I said a little shrill and disappeared into my room in a flash.
I didn't fall asleep until the sun was shining outside again