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Information I'm dead..
Posted by: Simon - 11-16-2025, 06:28 PM - No Replies

I'm dead, and this is how it happened:
When I woke up this morning, I knew: today is the day! The day of decision! Today I would finally dare to do it. No matter what the outcome would be. No matter what the consequences would be. By now, I didn't care about ANYTHING! It just had to happen now.
What had to happen? Oh yes, I should perhaps explain that a little to help you understand my sudden passing. So, right from the start: I've fallen in love! Not really suddenly, though, it was more of a long crush over several years.
Now, love itself is not necessarily a reason to depart this mortal coil. In my case, however, the circumstances were somewhat more complicated. The thing is: I'm a guy. And I fell in love with: a guy! HELP! I'm gay! Awful, isn't it? That was exactly my reaction when it hit me four or five years ago.
The object of my desire goes by the name of Jerome, which sounds so infinitely musical and romantic. And not only is the name French, but so is the divine creature who goes by it. Jerome was a newcomer to our high school back then in the 10th grade, and I, a foolish dog that I was, had nothing better to do than fall head over heels in love with him! That's when everything started!
It all started quite harmlessly, I felt attracted to him in a way that was completely incomprehensible to me at the time. At that point, it would never have occurred to me that this feeling of attraction was an expression of my homosexuality, which was just beginning to creep up on me. It took quite a while before I realized the full extent of my feelings. When it happened, I couldn't get out of the bathroom for hours! An upset stomach, I can only say. Well, at least it gave me the time to calmly reflect on this madness that was boiling up inside me. Three rolls of toilet paper and half a lake of rinse water later, I had thought about everything and weighed it up and had my inner coming out behind me.
But that didn't mean that everything was hunky-dory! Okay, I had admitted to myself that I was gay and had a crush on a super-cute French lad – but what did I get out of it? This French lad was out of reach, and to make matters worse, the girls in the area swarmed around him like flies around a horse's turd. Oh God, did I really just do that? Did I compare Jerome to a horse turd? Sorry, Jerome!
So I could only rave about him from afar, idolize him, and memorize his appearance for later use. Or, much worse, not only from afar but especially up close! We had become good friends over time, which was both a blessing and a curse for me. Constantly in his presence, and yet he was so out of reach. The years at school were bad enough, but now we were doing our civilian service in the same hospital at the same time, even on the same ward! What torture! 

Of course, I had never dared to even hint at my feelings for him! Anyone who knows me knows that my middle name starts with “F” and ends with “eigling”. (So it should come as no surprise that the people who even know that I'm gay can be counted on one hand – and I've already counted myself in there!) On top of that, I didn't have the slightest idea how Jerome felt about gays. If I had been a little more intelligent, I might have brought up the subject in a completely unsuspicious way, but I never claimed to be a second Einstein. Besides, it was too dangerous for me anyway, Jerome can do kickboxing and has a sometimes quite short temper!
So while I was slowly dying inside from unrequited love, my friend Jerome was happily living for the moment, flirting with the girls and had no idea of my torments! In the last three or four weeks, however, it became increasingly clear to me that it just couldn't go on like this. I wouldn't survive another month of vegetating like this, so I might as well take the risk of confessing my feelings to Jerome. Better to be sent to kingdom come than to slowly wither away from a broken heart like a primrose.
So I made up my mind to finally tell him, to finally come clean. I had spent the first half of last night preparing my speech word for word – the second half was then filled with a motley mix of nightmares that played out all possible reactions of Jerome to my confession, all of which ended with my going to the happy hunting grounds.
So this morning I had put on my best clothes and paid particular attention to clean underpants. Come on, who wants to end up in the pathologist's office in baggy, dirty boxers! Especially as a gay man! You have a reputation to lose.
We had arranged to meet in the city for shopping, and I had thought that a public place with lots of people would slightly improve my chances of survival. When I saw him standing at the meeting point, as cute as always, I wanted to call the whole thing off and just make do with my usual flirting, but in an unprecedented fit of courage (or desperation?) I decided to go through with my plan.
Of course, this took much longer than planned, I stuttered and hemmed and hawed until Jerome got fed up and asked me what was wrong with me. If I wanted to tell him something, then I should finally come clean. So I gathered all my courage and did just that. Right in the middle of the market square.
Well, now I know what happens. It's a few hours later, and I'm dead.
Jerome, by the way, is lying next to me and he's dead too.
As the Frenchman says: Le petit mort - the little death!
What a wonderful name for the orgasm of my life!

Continue reading..

Information I came to see you again today
Posted by: Simon - 11-16-2025, 06:27 PM - Replies (1)

I threw my school bag in the corner and went straight to training. Just like every Monday. There has to be something that makes the start of the school week a little more pleasant. Bright sunshine and I have to sit in the stupid school. What a shitty life!
Arriving at the soccer field, I was in for a surprise. In the midst of my buddies, there was a girl! What's a girl doing here? Curious, I pushed my way to the front. My teammates whispered to each other: “How is he supposed to play soccer properly when he already looks like a girl!” Aha, a boy, a newcomer! Shoulder-length blonde hair. Legs that would surely break if he was fouled hard. And his face, was he wearing make-up? Something like that went through my head when I saw him for the first time.
“Boys, this is Joshua, he'll be training with us today. He's just moved here and has been playing in a club for a few years.” Uwe, our trainer, had just come to the pitch and noticed the excitement. ‘I want you to treat him the way you would want to be treated when you're new to the team. So behave!’ Well, he knows us boys pretty well.
To make sure we didn't even have the slightest opportunity to show off, we were chased around the court for the warm-up. Sprints here, acceleration runs there, stretching exercises, etc.! He had already announced this after last weekend's defeat: “Your attitude today was just shitty! I'll get rid of that at the next training session. How can the team leading the table lose to the last?” We finally got to work with the balls! Partner work. Somehow it turned out that I had to do the exercises with Joshua. With the giggling of my teammates in my ears, I resigned myself to my fate.
And man, was I surprised. He was really good at the ball, I would never have thought possible. During the exercises, we started talking a little. Joshua had just turned 10 and moved from Hamburg to our village. His father had found a job nearby and he had to leave all his friends behind. Somehow we got along quite well all of a sudden and talked about his favorite soccer club, St. Pauli, and what you do in your free time in the big city. I only knew that from pictures!
“Ouch”
Loud laughter. We had completely forgotten about the training and Uwe had given me a slap on the butt! “You can flirt after training, now it's time to practice!” Even louder laughter and two bright red heads! Fortunately, the training game started and Joshua and I were in the same team again. He had played in central midfield in his old team, soon we would all find out why.
The boy was amazing! Great dribbling, passes like none of us had ever seen! After just a few minutes, our team was already 3-0 up. Joshua scored one goal and set up two. And he didn't stop whirling. Again and again, he sent me on a run into the penalty area, with passes that I couldn't help but shoot past the keeper. In the end, we won 14-4. Uwe just said that we would probably be the new dream team on the field. I scored seven goals and he set up all seven! Now no one was whispering and giggling, everyone thought he was cool and was happy that he wanted to join us – now the championship would be ours!
One by one, the boys went home. Uwe had already left because he had to train himself. Only Joshua was still standing at the pitch, completely abandoned, and didn't seem to want to leave.
I went up to him to chat a little. Somehow I felt sorry for him, all alone. It turned out that he had moved quite close to where I lived, so we set off together, laughing and chatting. He then asked if I could show him a little of the village that evening, where people meet, what you can do and so on. Sure, he was pretty cool, so why not. There wasn't much to see in our village anyway. The football pitch was the center of attention for us boys, there was nothing else there anymore. And it was still too early to show him our secret hiding place in the forest!
After a short tour of the village, we headed home, racing each other. We arrived at his house sweating and exhausted. He looked at me for a while, wanted to say something, but probably didn't dare. At that moment, his mother came out of the house and greeted me. She seemed happy that Josh had already found someone. Without further ado, I was grabbed by the hand and dragged into the house, resistance was futile! With a soft drink and some cookies, we then made ourselves comfortable in Joshua's room and chatted for a while. He was supposed to go to the same school as me, but one class below me. Well, at least he would already know someone and not be completely alone. In his room were many posters of his favorite football club. And then there were posters of Ayrton Senna, who was my absolute favorite Formula 1 driver! That gave us the next topic of conversation. Time flew by and when I looked at the clock, it was almost half past seven!
Oh shit! I should have been at dinner by seven. We quickly said goodbye and arranged to meet tomorrow morning. I was going to go to school with him and I had promised his mom that I would take care of him a little during the first few days. Satisfied and also a little happy to have found a new friend, I went to bed, but not without getting the usual lecture for being late, of course! Still full of thoughts and anticipation, I eventually fell asleep, and I was even looking forward to the next day at school. My teachers would think I was ill.
I had never voluntarily gotten up so early in the morning, and I had even showered! And then I actually wanted to go to school. That was a bit too much for my mom. And so I let her grill me, I could never keep anything from her for long anyway. After I had told her everything I knew about my new friend, I had to promise her that I would bring him home so that she could meet him too. When I had combed my hair and put on a few splashes of aftershave from my father, she looked at me a little strangely and asked if there wasn't maybe a girl at school after all. “Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I don't know anyone else here!” ‘I don't do that, when I say I'm coming, I'm there.’ He laughed at me and gave me 5! And off we went to school. Like boys are, it didn't go without the obligatory bike race. Just imagine we are sitting in a Formula 1 racer and up. It was just stupid that we both wanted to be Senna!
At school, our paths initially separated because he was in the class below me, but we were always together during breaks. I showed him the secret places and corners where we cool guys hung out. Well, we cool sixth graders, anyway!
After school, we quickly went to his house to let him know that he would be at my house the whole afternoon. School supplies were thrown into a corner, clothes were put on for playing, and then it was over to my house.
There he had to endure my mom's questions. Poor guy, I could really feel for him and how uncomfortable it was for him. But I know my mom, she just can't help herself. At some point I told her that he was actually here to play with me and not to visit her and just pulled him by the hand into my room. First we lounged on the bed and talked a little about what he had done before. We found out more and more similarities about us. He liked to read just like me, loved to sing, football anyway and of course our common idol Ayrton Senna!
After we had talked a little about Formula 1 and soccer, I put on the Michael Jackson record. I had just got it for my birthday and was really proud of it. In the middle of “Smooth Criminal” he suddenly started singing along at the top of his voice. At first I just stared at him, then I had to giggle and then I just sang along. The two of us rocked the house until my mom treated us to cocoa and cookies. Again, we sat opposite each other with bright red heads, it was so embarrassing! We looked at each other, grinned, and finally just giggled. Then we finally had our peace and quiet again, and he showed me to “Bad” that he could not only sing, but also dance damn well! This boy was full of surprises. With the promise that he would teach me, I then went to the computer and showed him the games I had for my C64. Of course, the football simulation, the football manager and the Formula 1 simulation were particularly interesting.
After I had once again beaten him in Formula 1, it became too much for him. With wild howling, he pounced on me and we romped and tussled through the whole room. In the midst of the most glorious tickle-aria, my father rushed into the room and asked us if we had lost our minds and wanted to tear down the whole house. After the usual lecture for me that our house was not a playground, we were already put out into the fresh air! Since we got along so well, I decided to take him to my secret hiding place in the forest.
There was a small grove very close to our house. It was nothing special for an adult; he could cross it in minutes. But for us boys it was something very special, adventure beckoned! I pulled Joshua behind me, through the deepest undergrowth (two or three thorny hedges), over raging waters (a stream about 50 cm wide) into the deep and dark fir forest (a group of trees about 30 firs thick).
There I showed him my secret hiding place; a hut that I had built with great effort. With branches and twigs and even a few leaves, I had even made a roof (albeit a somewhat holey one). Inside the hut, there was a seating area (a tree trunk that was a little padded with moss and leaves) and even a table (the stump of an old oak tree). Josh was thrilled and there we also had our peace and could do as we pleased (and what we should take advantage of more often later).
At the end of the day, we went home, exhausted from the day's adventures. But not without making plans to meet again the next morning.
Joshy and I became inseparable. With every hour, every minute we spent together, we grew closer. We were never seen alone, actually. It was as if two people who had been waiting for each other forever had finally found each other.
A few days later
Finally, it was the championship. If we win today, there will be a party. Josh and I had repeatedly missed training in the past two weeks; our adventures were
so intense that we didn't even realize it (and anyone who knows me knows that's saying a lot!). Uwe was fed up (to put it mildly) and we were allowed to watch the start of the game from the bench. CRAP!
It was not going well. After a few minutes, we were behind! After 10 minutes, even further behind. After 20 minutes, it was clear that something had to happen: 0-3! Finally, Uwe gave us the signal to warm up. There is nothing worse than sitting out there and watching helplessly as the team goes down!
We looked at each other, seriously, and then decided that we would show everyone today that we would turn this game around. After the break, the time had finally come: the substitution!
What happened next can confidently be described as a miracle. Joshua's first touch of the ball, a through ball into the top, I take the ball with me and lob it over the goalkeeper into the goal! We cheer each other on, get even more fired up about this game, and our teammates join in too.
The rest of the game was like a dream. Uwe told us afterwards that we had played the opponent dizzy. We woke up from this dream after the referee had blown the whistle. 11:3 !! Joshy and I were involved in all the goals. We hugged each other and couldn't believe it. Our teammates threw themselves on us, celebrated as if we had become world champions. It took a long time for us to calm down again. To celebrate the day, Uwe wanted to take us to a pizzeria. But first we had to take a shower, because “You stink like a bunch of buffalo, I'm not going out with you like that!”
None of us had showered after a game before. This time was to be the first time. Since Uwe had announced the pizzeria, we all had our shower things with us. The nervousness in the locker room was palpable; somehow no one dared to make a start. Only Josh stripped off unabashedly and wandered stark naked into the shower. His unconcerned attitude caused us to undress slowly and bashfully; after all, no one wanted to be seen as a coward.
With bright red heads, we stood in the shower, avoiding eye contact. Only Josh, who was already used to the whole thing from his old club, fooled around and then had an idea that would soon make showering fun for us.
Naked as he was, he ran out of the cabin to the trainer and got a soccer ball. We stared at him in disbelief as he came back into the shower with the object of desire. NOBODY here had dared to do something like that yet! Quickly all shyness had vanished and a bunch of naked boys sat under the warm shower and played table soccer. Only after Uwe threatened to cancel the pizza did he get us out of the shower. The shower after training and games thus became a customary ritual that we all enjoyed.
After Josh and I had said goodbye to the team and the coach, we went to his house because I wanted to spend the night there. After an exhausting day and an exuberant victory celebration, we didn't last long and soon disappeared into bed. We snuggled up together, looked at each other and said good night. It was clear to both of us at that moment that a dream team had been formed here and that we would be inseparable forever.
Time flew by. We were rock stars, landed on Mars, fought against the evil Darth Vader in the Star Wars. We were on a treasure hunt, fought our way through our world full of monsters, magicians and mythical creatures. It was the best summer I've ever had. Wonderful days at the swimming pool, on the soccer field or in the forest. The computer was gathering dust in the corner, we simply had more important things to do. Typical boys: loud, wild and simply impossible to tame. (Note: I could give you details here, but that would simply go beyond the scope. Besides, each of us should remember the little things in life well enough, which were simply the greatest for us boys!)
Even showering together was no longer a problem. Joshy and I grew closer and closer, spending every minute together when we weren't sleeping; so it didn't bother us anymore when one of us saw the other naked. We were practically brothers.
Winter was over, snowball fights, igloo building and sledding were over. It was getting closer and closer to Joshy's birthday. He would turn 11 and catch up with me for 15 days in age. We had already come up with something very special to celebrate the day. We were allowed to pitch our tent at the nearby lake for the weekend – ALONE!!!! We would be able to party into his birthday and no one could complain about us romping around, making noise and just being boys. (Note: We lived in a really small village where everyone knew each other. Besides, today's paranoia didn't exist back then. What we didn't know at the time was that our parents and my older siblings would be keeping an eye on us)!
Finally, Friday had arrived. Our school things were lying in a corner anyway (it was the holidays, after all), so we took off our good clothes and quickly packed everything a boy needs for an adventure like this. Joshy's dad helped us put up the tent and would come back in the evening to light a real campfire for us. We quickly took off our clothes to plunge into the cool water. Stefan (Jschy's dad) shouted at us how crazy we are and that it was actually much too cold. But what boy cares, when romping and splashing you warm up quickly (which we quickly reconsidered in the damp, cool April weather). We felt free, unbound in the middle of the wilderness.
However, it quickly got dark and fresh. Stefan came by and helped us with the barbecue so that we could get something decent in our stomachs before we stuffed ourselves with chips, gummy stuff and coke. He quickly lit a campfire for us and reminded us once again to think of all the rules and safety precautions that he had repeatedly drummed into us in the last few days. Then he released us to our freedom and went home.
Wrapped in our blankets, we sat around the crackling campfire and roasted our marshmallows, talking about this and that. Slowly fog rolled in, the sky was overcast and so gradually we also got tired. We extinguished the fire and covered the embers with a metal bucket so that the fire would not reignite. You just can't put out a campfire by “peeing on the fire” in pairs! We crawled into our tent and into our sleeping bags. A great (albeit very quiet by our standards) evening was coming to an end. We lay awake for a while, chatting, not wanting to fall asleep yet. With our flashlight and our hands, we drew pictures of objects and animals on the tent wall; the other had to guess what it was. When we finally turned off the flashlight and retired to our dreams, I heard a soft sigh coming from Joshy's direction.
I turned the torch back on and shone the beam over to him. He just looked deep into my eyes and I knew immediately what was going on. I opened my sleeping bag and he grinned and came over. I snuggled up to him from behind, put my arm around his body and closed our “sleeping berth” again. Again a soft sigh sounded, but this time it was clear that Joshy simply enjoyed our body contact. Snuggled up close together we fell asleep sometime, not without assuring each other that there were no better friends in this world and that we would never let each other down – friends for life!
When I woke up, Joshy was already awake. Somehow he had managed to turn around in his sleeping bag. He lay there, in my arms, and just looked at my face. I blushed. That has been happening to me more often lately. He must have noticed that! I moved away from him a little so that it wouldn't be so obvious. He started grinning and just said dryly: “Do you think I don't have a hard-on?” I think a tomato would have been colorless compared to me. “My dad told me that's the way it is with all guys. You don't have to blush about it,” he nudged me and laughed. “Come on, let's get up, I've been awake for ages.”
He unzipped his fly and slowly crawled out of the sleeping bag. He hadn't lied; the bulge in his shorts was really hard to miss, which was no wonder since he held them right in front of my face. I quickly crawled out of the sleeping bag and tried to hide, but to no avail. As soon as I was out, he pounced on me with a wild howl and started tickling me. Giggling loudly, I tried to defend myself and so we rolled back and forth through the tent, almost tearing it down. Then suddenly we lay still, he half on top of me. I could feel him very clearly. A look in the eye, a grin. And then there was a knock on the tent from outside.
Joshy's dad had brought us fresh cocoa and a few bread rolls. We quickly put on our tracksuits and had breakfast in the great outdoors. We spent the day fishing, swimming and having little adventures around the lake. For dinner, we had freshly caught fish from the grill. Even I liked it, although I usually can't stand fish. Stefan helped us light the campfire again. Joshy and I snuggled up in front of it and had a scary story told to us. The scarier it got, the closer we moved towards each other. And when my big brother suddenly came tumbling out of the bushes from behind with a loud scream, our control was gone. We screamed loudly and clung to each other, what fun. But all fun must come to an end, and so the two of us found ourselves in front of the campfire, enjoying the silence and the warmth of the crackling fire.
'How did I manage without him all this time before? I don't know. Now I just couldn't imagine life without him anymore. – Such thoughts went through my mind as I looked into the blazing flames. Before we knew it, it was midnight and Joshy's birthday had arrived. Time for the presents.
I had gotten him a small silver chain with a pendant of our initials intertwined. In addition, I had made two friendship bracelets for us; matching, so that everyone could see that we are best friends. His eyes sparkled when I put the necklace around his neck. He didn't have to say anything, we understood each other without words. And the tears in his eyes told me more than any words in the world could have expressed. We fell into each other's arms and held each other tight. I had thought up something very special for the friendship bracelets. I pulled Joshy closer to the fire and put one in his hand. When he looked at me in amazement, I winked at him and held the corners of my band in the flame and recited my specially learned text:
“Through flaming fire we pass the band, two become one, burned by flame”
Then I tied it around his right wrist and looked at him expectantly. He thought for a moment, then held his band into the flames and intoned:
“Through the embers of fire, the band becomes magic, two brothers forever, we never part”
And he tied it around my left wrist.

Continue reading..

Information Autumn Awakening
Posted by: Simon - 11-16-2025, 06:25 PM - Replies (1)

Friday evening, six o'clock. Florian entered his apartment, closed the door behind him and threw his bag on the chair where he always threw it when he came home from work. Finally, the end of work. Weekend! Better yet: a completely unplanned weekend, the first in a long time. Unlike usual, Florian would not pack a few things today and then set off on the Friday-night traffic jammed highway to be with Stefanie in just over two hours. This weekend was his, all his. And although he had no specific plans yet, he was sure that he would enjoy the time with himself, and that certainly no boredom would arise.
He had been working for the company for a month now and living in this city, several hundred kilometers from his home, the city where he was born, grew up and went to school, the city of his parents and his old friends, although most of them had also scattered in all directions by now. Back then, shortly before graduating from high school, he would never have imagined that they would lose sight of each other within such a short time, but now he knew better. The only one he still had occasional contact with was Simon, who had been his best friend for a long time. Before their paths diverged after school, they had spent a great deal of time together. They understood each other without words, often laughed at the same crap that no one else could laugh at, and knew each other like no one else. Even today, when they met, it was as if the years since graduating from high school had not existed; the old familiarity was always immediately there, as if their paths had never parted. Weeks could pass without them hearing from each other, and months without seeing each other. It started right after graduation. Florian had moved to southern Germany for his civilian service and subsequent studies, while Simon studied in Hessen. In this respect, it was perhaps surprising that they were still in contact at all. On top of that, Simon was still with Anke, and she didn't particularly like Florian, which was mutual. Somehow he couldn't forgive her for stealing his best friend, Florian, from him, so to speak, a good year before graduation, and for the fact that since then she, not Florian, had been Simon's most important point of reference. On the other hand, he knew that this was nonsense, of course: a friendship between boys was one thing, a relationship between a man and a woman was something completely different, two things that could complement each other but by no means compete. Or maybe they could? Because which of the two was the stronger bond in case of doubt was obvious, even Florian saw that, even if he didn't want to admit it at first, after all, he had older rights to Simon! And so there was always a slightly tense atmosphere when the three of them met (with Simon caught in the middle), which is why they avoided such meetings in the meantime. When Simon met Florian, it was only without Anke, which was undoubtedly better for everyone involved.
Stefanie was Florian's – how should he put it – current or future ex-girlfriend. She was his first girlfriend, and he had met her quite late in life, during his studies, at an age when many of his friends had already started and ended several relationships. He was happy to finally have found a girlfriend (and finally had sex). He hadn't liked being single for a long time, especially since Simon pointed out to him at each of their increasingly rare meetings that it was probably time for him, Florian, to finally get married; he was already seriously worried that Florian would end up an old maid and become whimsical. Well, the big feelings, the famous butterflies in the stomach, which were so often heard and read about, Florian had not felt, but it was nice to have someone special in his life. That went well for quite a while, without any particular ups and downs. But for a few months now, it had become apparent that it was probably coming to an end. When they saw each other (almost every day), they didn't have much to say anymore. The weekends they spent together were overshadowed by a certain boredom, and they only had sex about once every two weeks on average (although Stefanie would have liked to have slept with Florian a little more often, his interest in it was decreasing more and more). Florian increasingly had the feeling that she was constricting him, taking away his breath. And then there was still this certain point that sometimes made itself felt to Florian, very vaguely and indeterminately, like a diffuse light in dense fog that briefly lit up and immediately disappeared again, something that Florian didn't know what it was. He would have liked to have broken up with Stefanie, but he had no idea how to approach it, he shunned the conflict. So the offer from the freight company where he now worked was very convenient for him, as it offered him the opportunity to get away from Stefanie, at least in terms of distance. The new job meant moving to this city, far enough away from his previous place of residence and from Stefanie, at least far enough so that they didn't have to see each other every day. Stefanie was not particularly pleased about his departure and had asked him to reconsider, surely there would be another job nearby. But Florian didn't hesitate for long when he got the offer, and moved without further ado. Now they only saw each other on weekends. Most of the time Florian drove to her because, unlike her, he had a car; less often she came to him, which always involved a very complicated train ride. Otherwise, they talked on the phone every day.
Florian took off his shoes and sat down in the armchair by the southern window. From here he had a wonderful view over the garden and the adjoining park, whose trees were slowly beginning to change color in the fall. This was his favorite place, where he could sit and read for hours or just look out the window. He loved being alone here in this apartment. In fact, the apartment was a dream, and he had gotten it through his company. It was on the upper floor of an old villa near the city center and consisted of two large rooms connected by a pair of double doors, with parquet flooring and high, stuccoed ceilings, a small kitchen and a spacious bathroom with a huge tub. The villa belonged to a retired managing director of the company, who lived with his wife in the lower part of the house. Florian got along very well with his landlords. On top of that, they were usually away on some kind of trip. Florian's apartment had been occupied by the landlords' son until recently, but he and his wife had since bought their own house. So it suited the older couple just fine that someone was living upstairs again, so that the house was not completely abandoned when they went on a trip.
Florian was particularly looking forward to this weekend because he would not be going to Stefanie's. She didn't have time for him because she had to study for an exam (unlike Florian, she was still enjoying student life). He would use the time to explore the city, which was still quite new to him, because he hadn't seen much of it yet. But before he could do that, he still had to go shopping. A glance at his watch told him that he had to hurry because the shops were about to close. With a contented sigh, he rose from his favorite armchair, put his shoes and jacket back on, put on his backpack, and left the apartment. Shortly thereafter, he was browsing the shelves of the supermarket, which was just around the corner. He was pushing his shopping cart towards the frozen pizza section (one of his staples) when he heard a voice behind him that was not unfamiliar, but not immediately recognizable either:
“Florian? Florian Schwerdt? Is that you?”
Florian turned around. Yes, he knew the face.
“Markus Meyers! What a surprise. What are you doing here?” Markus and Florian had been in the same class for years and had graduated together, but then their paths had gone separate.
“I've been living here for two years. And you?”
Florian told him about his new job that had brought him here. They chatted briefly about old times and mutual acquaintances until Markus asked:
“And what are you doing later today? Do you want to meet up for a beer later?”
Florian did, so they arranged to meet at a bar not far from his apartment at eight o'clock that evening. He finished his shopping and went home with his backpack full to bursting. Markus Meyers, I thought to myself, I never thought I'd see him again, Florian thought to himself on the way. He thought back to their school days, to the class trip in tenth grade, to the things that he and Markus had done back then that he had almost forgotten. After several bottles of beer, which they had secretly drunk back then (without their teacher noticing, of course), Markus had come to Florian under the covers, where they had quietly talked so as not to disturb the others. And they didn't just talk. At some point, one of them slid his hand between the other's legs, which the other returned after a brief hesitation. Florian no longer knew exactly which of the two had started, but he still knew that the situation was absolutely exciting (the others weren't allowed to notice) and extremely horny. After they had both cum, Markus had quietly disappeared back into his own bed. They never talked about this incident again, and nothing similar happened. On the contrary, after that night they avoided each other, both somehow embarrassed to have had the other's cock in their hand. And yet something of it remained with Florian, the whole time, something indefinable, a vague feeling, a hint of an idea, not much more than one could remember from the dream of the previous night. That certain point. After graduating from high school, their paths then diverged, which Florian did not feel was a particular loss, because it was not a friendship, like with Simon, that bound the two of them. Basically, they weren't connected by anything anymore, maybe just the memory of that evening. Nevertheless, Florian was looking forward to tonight with Markus. It would certainly be nice to talk about old times with him, in addition to the usual questions and what he was doing now. They would certainly not talk about the aforementioned evening in the youth hostel...
When he arrived home, Florian first took a bath in the big tub before stowing the groceries in the fridge. The answering machine was blinking. Stefanie, for sure, they hadn't talked to each other today. With little enthusiasm, he pressed the button to listen to the message:
“Hello darling, where are you?” he heard his girlfriend's voice. ‘Why don't you call me back when you get home?’ There was a sound that sounded like a kiss. ‘Yeah, later,’ Florian thought, ”first I'm taking a bath. I've been looking forward to that all day.” In all the time he had lived here, he had only used the bathtub properly twice. He went into the bathroom, undressed, and climbed into the sudsy water, very slowly, since it was quite hot. Finally, he was completely in it, up to his neck in the white, fragrant foam. He enjoyed the warmth and the scent that surrounded him and closed his eyes.
He thought of Markus Meyers. Would it be possible, theoretically, for something like that to happen again? Florian was frightened by this thought, especially because, as he sensed, it was more than a mere thought, more like a hidden wish that didn't yet dare to come to the surface. No, back then it was the usual games of pubescent boys, nothing more significant. If something like that had happened again today, it would have had a completely different connotation, one that Florian didn't like, there was that nasty word he didn't want to be associated with. No, it was completely absurd, after all, he had a girlfriend, and even if things weren't going so well between them, he was sure he was normal. But why on earth did he then catch himself thinking more and more often lately about repeating something like it was with Markus, with whomever? And for what? That was exactly the point. And wasn't it a strange coincidence, maybe even a twist of fate, that he had met him again here and now of all places?
Florian looked at his shriveled fingertips. It was time to leave the cozy warmth of the tub, especially since he was supposed to meet Markus in about an hour and had to call Stefanie before that. He pulled out the plug and stayed in the tub until the water had almost completely drained and only foam remained on the bottom of the tub and his hot, naked body. His gaze fell on his cock, which was uncovered by the draining bathwater. Semi-erect, he stretched out towards him. Florian was horny and suddenly felt like jerking off, which was done to his full satisfaction after just a few minutes. He didn't think about Stefanie...
After he had showered off the white juice, left the tub and got dressed again, he called Stefanie. She let him know that she missed him, which he returned with little inner conviction. He said that he would meet an old school friend today, she told him about her exam preparations.
“I have to go in a minute,” Florian tried to bring the conversation to an end, which he managed to do. Take care, see you tomorrow, I'll be in touch. A queasy feeling remained after Florian had hung up. He had to tell her, somehow, as soon as possible. But how? ‘I don't love you anymore, it's over?’ No, that was too harsh. How would she react? She still loved him. At least, he thought so. On the other hand, she must have sensed that there wasn't much coming from him anymore. They say women are so sensitive and can sense these things immediately. He simply didn't have enough experience with relationships, and even less with ending them. Maybe he should talk to Simon about it. But he would probably just ask him if he was still of this world, wanting to break up with a great woman like Stefanie. No, Simon probably wouldn't have been much help to him here either. Somehow he had to find an answer to this question on his own. Well, maybe not today, but as soon as possible...
Florian looked at his watch. He still had about half an hour before his appointment with Markus. If he wanted to be on time, and he did, he had to leave now. He put on his shoes and jacket and set off. The pub was within walking distance from here. In fact, almost everything in this city was within walking distance. Although autumn was already in the air, it was a fairly mild evening. Florian enjoyed the short walk through the park. In the light of a lantern, he met a middle-aged man who looked at him conspicuously. Why was he looking at him like that? Did he know him, perhaps a colleague he hadn't noticed before? It was possible, after all the short time Florian had been working at the company. Anyway, a few steps later Florian had already forgotten the man and his gaze. He left the park, which was separated from the rest of the city by a high hedge of rhododendron bushes. He walked along a street lined on both sides by beautiful old houses and tall trees, which Florian thought he recognized as lime trees from his amateur botanical knowledge. Although it was Saturday evening, there was not much traffic on the streets. According to Markus' directions, the bar where they were meeting should be on the next but one corner. Sure enough, three minutes later Florian was standing in front of the Sonderbar, as the neon sign above the open door announced. Music was coming from outside, eighties, not unpleasant at all. Markus had said that the bar was quite nice, and it made the same impression on Florian. As he could see through the windows, there weren't many people yet. A few people, whose average age he estimated to be between twenty and thirty, were sitting at the bar and at the tables. Was Markus there yet? Florian looked at his watch again. He was almost ten minutes early and had probably planned the route from his apartment a little generously. He went inside and looked around. He couldn't see Markus, but he was sure to arrive soon. Florian walked through the bar and sat down at one of the free tables at the back, so that he could see the entrance. He let his gaze wander around the Sonderbar. The interior design had a slightly alternative touch, like a typical student bar, and the clientele was rather mixed. On the wall was a blackboard on which small dishes were offered at surprisingly low prices in chalk.
“What can I get you?” Asked the waitress, a young woman around Florian's age, smiling at him. Florian smiled back and ordered a large beer. Nice, he thought, and watched her as she walked to the bar, but then immediately called himself to order. After all, he had a girlfriend, and you don't look at other girls and think they're nice. He still had a girlfriend, but she was now at a safe distance, and looking was allowed, wasn't it... Yes, he was beginning to like the pub.
Shortly afterwards, Markus came in. He stopped and looked around, like Florian had done shortly before. He immediately saw Florian and came up to him smiling.
“Have you been waiting long?”
“No, I just got here too. Nice place, good tip!” Florian praised the place of their encounter. ”Do you come here often?”
“No, not often. I usually go to Café Fritz, which isn't far from here either,” answered Markus, who had meanwhile taken off his jacket, under which he was only wearing a T-shirt, and sat down diagonally next to Florian, so that they were now sitting at the small, dark wooden table, in which over time many people had immortalized themselves with carved letters, numbers and signs. The coarse material of the table, in keeping with the overall ambience of the bar, practically invited you to scratch all over it, for example, “Marc was here, 7/23/1999” or even more original messages... On the table, as on all the tables here, stood an old wine bottle that had been spared the fate of the bottle bank and owed its survival to the fact that it was used as a candle holder. The predecessors of the currently burning, and already half-burnt candle had wrapped the bottle in a thick wax armor with colorful, solidified threads.
Florian's gaze fell, as if controlled by an external force, on Markus's heavily hairy forearms, whereas he himself had only a delicate, almost boyish down. It irritated him for a second that his attention was focused on these arms. The nice waitress brought Florian his beer and interrupted his rambling observations of male attributes.
“I'd like one of those too,” Markus placed his order. After a few seconds of embarrassed silence, the conversation got going. They talked about the time after school, their studies, their jobs. Markus had dropped out of university and was now working as a temp and typist in a law firm, he said.
“Oh yes,” Florian replied, refraining from asking whether what was enough for him, Markus, was something Florian, at least for himself, could not imagine. ‘But what brings you here, of all places, to this city?”
“Love,’ Markus replied, slightly embarrassed.
“That's certainly a good argument,” Florian remarked appreciatively, although he briefly felt a twinge of conscience; after all, love, or whatever it was that still connected him to Stefanie, couldn't have stopped him from at least leaving her for the sake of the job. ”And what's her name, are you two married already?”
“Frank. His name is Frank.“ Markus fumbled around the wax drops on the wine bottle, embarrassed.
“Excuse me?” Florian replied, completely surprised. “Does that mean you're... so you're into...”
“Yes, I'm gay,” Markus interrupted him, pronouncing this terrible word that had been buzzing around in Florian's head so often and so unwelcome lately, like an annoying fly that you shoo away with a quick hand movement but keeps coming back until you finally swat it, if you can get a grip on it. ”Didn't you know that? I thought that had been the talk at school long ago.”
“No, I didn't know that...” Florian replied quietly, and he felt his face turning red. Immediately he had to think again of the evening in question on their school trip. If he had known back then that Markus was gay (Florian found it hard even to say the word in his mind), would he have let him into his bed at all? Was it more than just late adolescent fumbling, at least for Markus?
“Are you shocked now?” Markus asked.
That was indeed a very good question. Florian didn't know what he was now. Shocked? No, at most surprised. Disgusted, as many others might have been in this situation? No, surprisingly not at all. Curious. Yes, that was it. The evening promised to be much more interesting and possibly more revealing for him than he had initially hoped for.
“No, not that, I just hadn't expected it. After all, it's not every day that someone tells you that they're... that they're into guys.”
“You can say gay, it's not an insult,” Markus replied with a smile.
“And how long have you known that you're... gay?” For the first time, he had used this terrible word without using it as a swearword. He felt hot and thought he must be bright red. Was there no better word for it?
“Actually, always. I've always found boys more interesting than girls.”
“Have you ever slept with a woman?“ Florian asked.
“No, never, and I can't imagine I would.” Markus' face took on an almost disgusted expression, as if he had been asked if he had ever fucked a goat.
“But how do you know you like guys if you have no comparison?”
“And how do you know that you like women if you've never been with a guy? I assume you have a girlfriend,” Markus replied pointedly.
Bull's eye, thought Florian, to which he had little to counter. But why did Markus claim that he, Florian, had never tried it with a boy? Had he already forgotten that evening in the youth hostel? Should he bring it up? Yes, why not?
“Yes, I have a girlfriend. And I have done something with a boy before, you should actually remember that. Or was I that bad?” he grinned at Markus and was amazed that it came so easily, even cheekily, from his lips.
“Oh, you mean that bit of wanking back then on the school trip? Yes, that was really hot, you've got real talent!” Now Markus grinned, and Florian blushed again. ‘But let's be honest,’ Markus continued, ‘that wasn't sex, almost everyone does that at that age. Nevertheless, they later call ours a gay pig and maybe even beat us up because of it.’ Now he wasn't grinning anymore.
“Have you ever experienced that?” Florian wanted to know. Suddenly he wanted to know everything about the subject, and this evening and weekend probably wouldn't be enough for all the questions he suddenly had.
“No, not me. But a good friend of mine. They attacked him in the park at night and beat him up so badly he had to go to hospital.”
“What's he doing in the park at night anyway? You have to expect that, whether you're gay or not.” There it was again, that word, this time he could pronounce it without faltering or blushing. Maybe he had to practice it first, in front of the mirror at night: gay, gay, gay...
“It wasn't just any park, it was our park. And they didn't rob him either, they just beat him up, just like that.”
“What do you mean, our park?”
“Oh dear, you need an introductory course to the gay world, don't you? I mean the small park on Beethovenallee, where people meet at night to have some fun together.”
Park on Beethovenallee? That was the park near Florian's apartment, which he had such a beautiful view of from his favorite armchair and which he had passed through on his way here tonight.
“You mean people meet there at night to...?” Florian asked incredulously.
“Yes, of course, what do you think happens there on warm summer nights? And all for free, that is, without paying, I mean. If there was something like that for straights, you probably wouldn't be able to get a leg on the ground there.”
“Straights? Oh, you mean...”
“…people like you and others, or normal, as you would probably call yourselves.“ Markus' voice became slightly aggressive.
“What is normal...” Florian tried to appease him. Now he also remembered the man who had looked at him so strangely in the park on his way here. “And where is your boyfriend tonight?” he changed the subject.
“Which boyfriend?” Markus asked.
“Well, you said earlier that you came here because of your great love...”
“Oh, you mean Frank. Ha, so much for great love. As soon as I moved here, he met someone else and dumped me. That's how they are, the guys...”
“Oh, I'm sorry.”
“Oh, don't be sorry. The guy was an asshole, and it's good that I realized that so quickly. – And your love, where is that?”
Florian talked about Stefanie, whom he only saw on weekends, if at all. He didn't talk about his doubts about his feelings for her. Not yet. First, he wanted to understand for himself what was left.
They hardly noticed how time passed. Florian was constantly coming up with new questions, which he eagerly asked Markus, who was happy to answer. A few hours and even more beers later, the tiredness of the ending work week slowly made itself felt.
“Do you want to go somewhere else?“ Markus asked.
“Nah, I think it's about time for me to go,” Florian yawned.
“Now already, and alone?“ Markus grinned at him.
“Why, do you want to come with me?” Florian asked without any seriousness in his question.
“Well, if that's an offer, I'll gladly accept it!” Markus responded, with seemingly just as little seriousness.
“Better not, you don't want to seduce an innocent hetero, do you?”
“Are you one?”
“What, innocent or straight?”
“Both.”
“Of course, straight and completely innocent.”
“What a shame, how boring! If you change your mind, let me know, okay?” Markus said with a broad grin.
“You'll be the first to know, I promise!“ replied Florian, grinning just as broadly. He was beginning to enjoy this game, the vague background of which he didn't yet fully understand.
“Let's stay in touch, go for a drink again soon?” Markus asked, now without a grin.
Of course they would, and they exchanged phone numbers. Then they paid the nice one and left the bar.
“I have to go that way,” said Florian, pointing in his direction. ”What are you doing now?”
“I'm going back to Café Fritz for a moment.”
“What's there?”
“We'll see, maybe I'll meet someone nice there for the night.”
“Oh, it's one of those places...“ Florian realized.
“You can come with me sometime. Just for the sake of interest, of course,” Markus grinned.
“Yeah maybe, we'll see sometime.” They shook hands in farewell, then went their separate ways, each in his own direction. Florian now felt the alcohol he had consumed during the course of the evening. Added to that was the night air, which had become significantly cooler. He buttoned his denim jacket, turned up the collar and put his hands in his pockets. With his shoulders hunched and his neck drawn in, he set off, breathing out clouds of white vapor.
*
On the way, Florian thought about the evening. So Markus was actually gay. And something about it worried him, something that Florian realized more and more clearly had nothing to do with Markus, but much more with himself. I'm an innocent hetero, or what had Markus called it, a straight guy, Florian thought. Yes, innocent in any case, which was again a matter of definition, and Florian found that he had not done anything wrong so far. But straight, really, completely, without ifs and buts? Wasn't Markus right in the end, couldn't you really answer that until you had tried both? After all, it was pretty cool back then on the school trip, even if it wasn't real sex in Markus' eyes. How awesome would real sex with a guy be? When he thought about sex with Stefanie... he always felt it was more of a duty: you did it with each other because that's what it's supposed to be like for a couple and because everyone, including yourself, expects it from you; but he had never experienced the real passion , ecstasy or whatever was supposed to be associated with sex, he had never experienced it, on the contrary, sometimes he was glad if he could get one up at all and then cuddle a little after the deed was done and then fall asleep. Yes, basically he didn't find it much hornier than just jerking off. Even the first time he slept with Stefanie (a stupid word, because they hadn't really slept at that moment!), he couldn't understand why the world was making such a fuss about it. There must have been something he hadn't yet learned. But what? Was Stefanie perhaps not the right person in this respect, should he try it with other women? No, absolutely not, at least not as long as he was with her, because he would have felt extremely bad and probably wouldn't have gotten it up at all. But wouldn't it be – just theoretically – something completely different if he tried it with a guy, just to see what it was like? Would that have been cheating on Stefanie too? Good question...
While these thoughts were going through Florian's mind, he approached the rhododendron bushes behind which the park, our park, as Markus called it, slept in the dark, illuminated only by a few lanterns. Florian had two options for getting home: either through the park, which he would normally have avoided at this time of night, or around it, which wouldn't have been much further. His courage, bolstered by alcohol, and curiosity about possibly seeing something there that he couldn't quite imagine yet, made him take the route through the park. After a few steps, he had left the light of the street behind him, and darkness surrounded him. It was estimated that the next lantern was about a hundred meters away. Now it was getting a bit scary for him. Should he turn around and take the outside route after all? No, now that he was here, what could possibly happen? Nevertheless, he unconsciously walked a few steps faster. Shortly after the lantern, which stood at a fork in the road and around which a large number of insects were cavorting, he approached a park bench on which, as he could see from afar, someone was sitting and smoking. Florian found it unusual to sit and smoke on a lonely park bench at this temperature and well after midnight. But presumably this was one of the people Markus had told him about and whom Florian had hoped to see now, as far as one could see at all in this poor light. Florian slowed his pace and walked past the bench in a deliberately casual manner, watching the seated figure out of the corner of his eye. The man watched Florian just as casually, and their eyes met briefly despite the darkness. Florian continued on and stopped at the next corner behind a bush, from where he could watch the bench and the man still sitting on it, without the man seeing him. Another man emerged from the darkness and also sat down on the bench, without speaking to the first man, as far as Florian could tell from a distance. The newcomer also lit a cigarette. After a few minutes, the first man disappeared into the bushes behind the bench, followed shortly afterwards by the second. Now both had vanished from Florian's field of vision, and the fact that these two strangers to him (and perhaps to each other) were now presumably making love in the bushes made Florian feel a strong sense of unease , which made it impossible for him to just go home and go to bed as if nothing had happened. Instead, he felt compelled to go back and see what was going on in the bushes. After a short inner struggle, the outcome of which was decided not least by his beer-strengthened courage, he went back to the bench, left the park path and crept towards the bushes that had swallowed the two guys a moment ago. What am I doing here, thought Florian, but he gathered up all his courage again and went further to the edge of the bushes, where he spotted a narrow aisle in the darkness. Should I really...? Come on, keep going!, he ordered himself. He slipped through the aisle and saw – nothing at first. A slight panic rose in him, which under normal circumstances would have prompted him to immediately disappear, back home, into the warm bed. But a mixture of curiosity, inexplicable courage and something he couldn't explain to himself forced him to stay here. After a few seconds, his eyes had adjusted to the new light conditions and he could at least guess what was going on here. Not far from him, maybe three meters away, he made out two men, who were probably the two bench-sitters from before, but he wasn't sure, but that didn't matter now. One of them was standing upright, the other was kneeling in front of him, and despite the darkness Florian had no difficulty in seeing what the two were doing to each other. He remained motionless and watched them as best he could. He felt something stir in his pants at the sight. He would have loved to get his dick out to satisfy himself right there and then... but no, he really didn't dare to do that. Suddenly Florian was startled when he spotted another guy not far from the two, and thus not far from him, leaning against a tree, rubbing his pants and looking over to him invitingly, as far as Florian could tell. Florian felt frozen. What should he do now? Run away? Get involved, go to the guy and see what he would do to him? Unable to make a decision and unable to move, Florian stared back, alternately at the face of the man rubbing himself and at the rubbed area of his trousers. Florian got a full-blown erection within a few seconds. The stared-at guy came towards Florian. He stopped about a meter away from him, opened his trousers and looked at Florian invitingly. Florian couldn't help but look at the huge cock that was presented to him. His heart was pounding noticeably, and blood was pulsing in his trousers as well. Should he take his out now too? Surely the other guy expected him to. He took another step so that he was now standing right next to Florian, while he worked his exposed cock with his right hand. His left hand didn't stay idle either and wandered over to Florian. It stroked his ass briefly, then moved around and began to knead his bulging front trousers. Florian closed his eyes. Stop it at once, he thought. Go on, whispered another voice inaudibly. The stranger stood in front of Florian, his cock pointed directly at him like a cannon waiting for the command “fire at will”, and began to unbutton Florian's denim jacket. Then he went for Florian's trouser belt.
That was too much. Florian left the bushes as quickly as he could and ran home as if driven by panic. While he was buttoning up his jacket again, he turned around to make sure that none of these faggots was following him and might possibly notice where he lived. Shortly thereafter, he stood in front of the front door, turned around again, unlocked it and went as quietly as possible (as if his landlords, if they were even at home, should not notice that he was coming directly from the park) up the stairs to his apartment. He was tipsy and confused about what had driven him to follow the men into the bushes and about the subsequent encounter with the strange giant cock, but shortly afterwards he was lying in his bed and fell asleep immediately.
The next morning Florian woke up at the usual time, shortly after seven. Normally, since it was Saturday and he didn't have to get up, he would have rolled over and slept on with relish. Sometimes he even deliberately forgot to turn off the alarm clock Friday night before going to sleep, just to be able to experience the pleasure of sleeping on Saturday morning at seven. But today he didn't need an alarm clock, he was wide awake, more awake than usual during the week when, unlike today, he had to get up. It was an upside-down world. And no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get another round of sleep. On the one hand, his head was pounding a bit (the last few beers yesterday probably weren't strictly necessary), and on the other hand, so many diffuse thoughts were buzzing through his head, thoughts of the evening with Markus and the way back through the park. After an hour of tossing and turning in bed, he got up; there was something good about not spending your day off in bed until noon. On his way to the bathroom, he looked out the window and saw that it was raining. Great, so much for “exploring the city”.
He felt better after the shower; shortly afterwards, he was listlessly spooning his cornflakes and wondering what he could do on this cool and rainy autumn day. Maybe just read a book in his favorite armchair? Yes, that was a good option: some music, the drumming of raindrops blown against the window by the wind, and a book. He quickly washed the breakfast dishes (in this respect, he was a very tidy person, he hated it when such things were left around for a long time) and went to the bookshelf in the living room. His eye fell on The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco, which he had started to read a long time ago but never finished due to lack of time. Yes, that would be just the right thing for today. He took the book, sat down in an armchair without opening it, and looked out the window at the rainy garden of his landlords. They apparently spent a lot of time tending to it, because it looked like a model from Better Homes and Gardens or similar magazines. However, it didn't look like the work of a pedantic weeder at all, but rather presented a coherent picture. The almost oval lawn was surrounded by flowerbeds in which the bushes and shrubs competed to see which could shine the brightest in autumnal colors, at least when the sun was shining. In one corner of the garden was a small pond, which today took on the gray raindrops falling into it. Next to it was a kind of terrace with an old brick floor. On it stood a wooden garden table, next to it two well-worn metal folding chairs with seats and backrests made of wooden slats, similar to those found in Bavarian beer gardens. On one of these chairs stood a clay flowerpot with autumn asters, the bright violet of which formed an appealing contrast to the rest of the yellow-red-brown that otherwise dominated the garden and to the dull, flaking, formerly apparently light blue color of the chair on which the pot was standing. The other corner of the garden, opposite the pond, was dominated by the bright red leaves of a vinegar tree. The center of the garden was formed by a large maple tree in the middle of the lawn, whose large leaves glowed golden yellow despite the gloomy weather, thereby spreading an optimism that seemed out of place with the weather and the general mood of that day.
The park was separated from the garden by a high hedge and an iron fence. It was innocently lying there in its incipient autumnal colors, as if nothing had happened. Actually, nothing had, right? Florian opened the book. There was no point in looking for the place where he had last come to; it had been too long ago. So he started from the beginning. Now, The Name of the Rose is certainly anything but light fare, but that wasn't the only reason why Florian didn't really enjoy reading it. He simply couldn't concentrate on what he was reading, his thoughts kept wandering, and his gaze fell towards the park. He thought of bushes, and he felt that this thought left him anything but cold. And again these doubts arose in him, which brought him into connection with this terrible word, which he - in contrast to Markus - did not want to pronounce. No, damn it, he thought, I'm not... I'm straight, a hetero, as Markus put it, I have a girlfriend, and that's fine.
And suddenly, as he hadn't in a long time, he missed Stefanie, her face, her voice, her scent. And her body. And on the spur of the moment, he decided to go to her place. She would surely be happy to see him, even if she didn't have much time for him. But she also needed a little variety from studying, and he would give it to her. For the first time in who knows how long, he was looking forward to seeing her. It was good that he had gotten up so early today, so he could be with her shortly after noon. He quickly packed a few things and got into his car. He didn't call her first to announce his arrival, why should he, he wanted to surprise her. A good two-hour drive, and they would be in each other's arms...
*
“Where did you come from?” asked Stephanie, completely surprised, but apparently not particularly pleased, when Florian stood in front of her apartment door with his gym bag and smiled at her expectantly.
“I just missed you...” he replied, hugging her and giving her a kiss, which she received passively with her arms hanging down, more like a stranger who felt the kiss was a nuisance. Florian, who had expected a more explicit reunion, realized that something was wrong: ”What's the matter, aren't you happy to see me?”
“Yes, I am... I wasn't expecting you.”
“Can I come in anyway?” Florian asked, still standing in the hallway.
“Oh, yes, of course... it's just... I have a visitor, we're... studying together.”
Florian entered the apartment expecting to find a small study group. Instead, he found only a rather narrow-chested boy, apparently just twenty years old, sitting on the sofa and looking at him nervously. The study group was obviously much smaller...
“This is Tobias, my... a fellow student of mine; Tobias, this is Florian, my friend,” Stefanie introduced the two, no less nervous.
“Hello...” the skinny guy mumbled, with a look that seemed to say, ‘Please don't hit me, I'm leaving,’ which Florian ignored.
What Florian saw in front of him did not exactly give the impression of exam preparation: Tobias was only wearing jeans and a T-shirt, and had neither socks nor shoes on. The reason for this clothing, which was not necessarily appropriate for the season, was easy to see, especially since no learning materials or similar papers were to be seen far and wide; instead, there was an open bottle of sparkling wine and two half-filled champagne glasses on the table, in which the bubbles rose like strings of pearls. Only now did Florian notice that Stefanie was also wearing nothing but jeans and a T-shirt, but he did discover some items of clothing scattered on and around the sofa. Apparently, he had just burst into the exercises of a very special, non-exam-related subject, and so suddenly that there hadn't even been time to reasonably clean up the traces.
“Oh, is that so...” Florian said quietly. He wondered how he should behave now. Should he make a classic scene, yell around, threaten this high school graduate with a beating and throw him out of the apartment in perfect form? Or should he leave in an offended manner? Damn, how do you behave in such a situation?

Continue reading..

Information Gideon's drumbeat
Posted by: Simon - 11-16-2025, 06:25 PM - No Replies

He realized that he was slow. The times that were reported to him only confirmed his feeling. Even the shooting didn't work out. There was too much going on in his head. He knew he had to make a decision, but how? The season was almost over, maybe he would make it then.
He was 28 years old, a successful biathlete, and actually at the peak of his career.
He had been skiing since he was a child and when he started biathlon, he knew that this was his sport.
He made it to the top. His World Cup successes were the highlights.
But the sport also gave him the opportunity to avoid making some personal decisions. He realized very early on that he was attracted to men.
But he never wanted to admit to himself that he was really gay.
Of course there were men in his life, but these were only fleeting encounters, just slips. Then he met Marie. The two of them got along perfectly. Like him, she was ambitious in her sport. And she, too, tried to suppress her feelings. Each accepted the other as he was and made no demands on the other.
They became the dream couple of biathlon.
For years it worked wonderfully, but then the house of cards collapsed.
Sven and Marie wanted to get married. The date was set. Construction of the house should begin shortly. But then Marie fell in love. Her career as a biathlete was over for health reasons. The only reason for this wedding was Gideon.
But she realized that they wouldn't be happy that way. And so she decided for love and left Gideon.
For Gideon, it was as if the ground had been pulled out from under him. He had no one to turn to either. He had never allowed himself to build a real relationship. He fell into an emotional hole.
His performance deteriorated rapidly. His trainer tried to find out what was going on, but Gideon didn't let anyone get close to him. He lost his edge, stopped eating properly and lost a lot of weight.
He was well aware that he couldn't keep it up for long, but he
didn't see a way out.
Then came the breakdown.
It was at the beginning of the summer training camp.
While riding his bike, he had a circulatory collapse. He lost consciousness and
drove down an embankment. He dislocated his shoulder and severely tore his cruciate ligament. He was taken to the hospital. Since a concussion could not be ruled out, he stayed there overnight.
Suddenly he was alone with his thoughts. He could no longer distract himself from them. He didn't get any sleep that night. His thoughts raced. He realized a few things, for example, that it was no longer possible for him to hide his inclinations in the long run. But how was he supposed to do that? The insults went through his mind: fag, queer,
back-loader, etc.
In the morning, he didn't know what to think anymore. But he decided to get help. His trainer Frank picked him up. The two got along very well. And yet Gideon was afraid to confide in him.
When Gideon told Frank that he wanted to make an appointment with Dr. Brack, the team psychologist, Frank was deeply relieved. He was really very worried about his friend. Frank also worked hard to make sure that Gideon got an appointment very quickly.
First, Dr. Brack took the normal medical history up to Gideon's accident. He also asked him about sleep disorders and his appetite.
Then he wanted to know why Gideon was there.
This embarrassed the athlete a lot.
The doctor immediately noticed that Gideon had severe problems answering this question. So he began to cautiously approach the real problem.
They talked about sports and family. But they still stuck to the general things.
When the time was up, they decided to meet again every day.
Gideon left the session feeling much relieved. He began to believe that the psychologist could help him.
When he arrived on time the next day, he was determined to tell the doc what his real problem was.
They greeted each other and the doc asked him how he had been since the last session. Gideon had to admit, to the doc's surprise, that he had been very well. He had had trouble falling asleep, but then slept soundly until the morning.
When asked why he hadn't been able to fall asleep, he replied that a lot of thoughts had been going around in his head and it had been difficult to get them to stop.
“What were these thoughts?” the doctor pressed.
“Many different ones,” came the evasive answer.
But the doctor wasn't satisfied with that. “Was there a main thought? A thought that was the hardest to quiet?”
Gideon kneaded his hands. “Yes. ... How and where to start!”
Suddenly he had a real lump in his throat.
“With what? With what do you want to start?”
"Accepting the truth and finally living.”
“What truth?“
Gideon couldn't look his counterpart in the face.
”What I am!“
”What are you?” Dr. Brack pressed on.
Gideon put his hands over his face and whispered, ‘Gay!’
The doctor was shocked.
Not that his patient was gay, but about the agony that this realization brought to this young man. About the fact that this fact still had the power to destroy a person in our time.
At first, the doctor had to search for words.
“Why are you so afraid of it?” He asked gently.
Gideon had to calm down first. The doctor gave him time to do so. But the question remained and had to be answered.
“I think I'm afraid of the consequences.”
"What would they be?”
“I would lose friends, have to lead a completely different life. I would even have to give up the sport that means everything to me. It is my life, after all. What would my family say? And my fans? I would lose everything.“
Gideon was desperate.
”I would like to end the session here.
However, I would like to ask you to sit down today and write down the reasons why you think you would lose everything that is valuable and dear to you in your life if you were to come out."
Gideon left the practice with very mixed feelings. It was the very first time in his life that he had admitted to himself and to a stranger that he was gay.
It was a really great feeling. He had thrown part of his burden overboard. On the other hand, he almost felt that everyone could see it on his face.
As if he had the word “gay” tattooed on his forehead. That scared him again.
But he also realized that this was the only right way.
That evening, he was really euphoric. This was also noticed by his teammates. They had a great evening together.
But when Gideon set about the task that Dr. Brack had given him, he once again had the feeling that a heavy burden was weighing on his soul.
He sat alone in his room and thought about the doctor's question.
Yes, why should he lose everything that meant something to him? He remained the person he had always been, happier and more open perhaps, but still very much himself.
The change that would come with coming out scared him. He feared losing friends, that his family would not stand by him and that he would lose the respect of his fans, which was very important to him. He wrote it down and presented it to the doctor the next day.
"Hello Gideon. How are you today? How did you get on with your task?”
“I'm actually doing quite well. But your task cost me a lot of nerves!“
”Why is that?“
”I've thought of many reasons why I shouldn't come out. But for every reason I could think of, the counter-reason came right away. For example, I might lose friends if they found out that I...”
he had to take a deep breath before he could continue. Hesitantly, he continued.
”...gay.
But on the other hand, real friends would know that I haven't changed. I'm still the same person. So I'd always keep my real friends, right?”
“That's true.
However, some of your friends may drop you because they can't handle it. Friends you thought you knew. I don't want to scare you, but you have to realize that. You can't ask too much of people.”
In the next few sessions, they discussed how Gideon should begin his coming out. What was he already ready for? Did he want to tell only a few people, or should he make it generally known? Should his family know? How much of a strain would it be on his job?
Sven started training again after two weeks. Now the moment had come for him to start making his “new life” public. The first person he wanted to tell was one of his best friends: his trainer Frank.
Gideon asked him to come to his room after dinner. He waited for him excitedly.
They talked about the training and how much Gideon could take in this regard again. Then Frank asked if Gideon was feeling better now.
“The sessions with Dr. Brack seem to agree with you!”
"Yes, it's going quite well. But it will probably be a long way before I feel really good again.”
“Really? I have the feeling that you are already back to your old self!“
”I'll never be that again!“
Frank looked at him in astonishment.
”Why is that?“
”Because I was just faking it for you and everyone else.“
Gideon looked down sheepishly.
”You'll have to explain that in more detail,”
his friend urged him.
“You know that Marie and I have separated.”
“Yes, and I thought that was what had upset you so much.”
"That's true in a sense, yes... Have I ever told you the reason for our separation?”
“You said at the time that things had been going wrong between you for quite a while and that Marie had fallen in love with someone else.“
”Nothing ever happened between Marie and me...“ Sven interrupted him violently.
”Excuse me?“
”If we had gotten married, the marriage would have been a sham for me and for Marie.”
Frank's eyes widened as he began to understand what Sven was saying.
“Marie realized it much earlier than I did, thank God. Otherwise, I might have continued like this for the rest of my life. And at some point, I would have broken,” he continued.
“Are you telling me that you're gay?”
Sven looked Frank in the eye and nodded.
For a while, neither of them said anything. Then Frank asked:
“What do you expect from me now?”
“I don't know... maybe that nothing changes between us and that we remain friends?”
Again, there was silence for a while.
“I don't understand,“ Frank finally spoke up again, ‘why you kept it secret for so long? But now at least I know what has been bothering you for so long. In my eyes, you are still the same person you always were. And I would be happy if we could continue to be friends.’
”You don't know what that means to me.”
Gideon laughed with relief. They talked for a long time that evening, and by the time they parted, their friendship had grown even stronger.
This had been the first step.
The second step was to tell his parents and his sister. He wanted to talk to his sister first...
The very next weekend, the opportunity arose. He invited his sister to dinner. When they got their food, Gideon tried to turn their conversation to his problem.
“Say, Susan, you and Marie always got along very well, didn't you?”
“We still get along very well, why?”
"Did you also talk about private things?”
“Yes, sure, but what are you getting at?“ His sister looked at him questioningly.
”Have you ever talked about our separation?“
”Yes, of course.“
”What did she tell you?“
”She told me that she fell in love with someone else!“
”Do you know who?”
“Yes, of course. And if you want to know if I know about you, the answer is yes!“
Sven didn't know what to say. Susan looked him in the eye. She took his hand and squeezed it. Then he knew that everything was fine.
During dessert, Sven asked:
”Do Mom and Dad know too?”
“Yes.“
Sven was incredibly relieved. His parents hadn't changed their behavior towards him.
So he could assume that they accepted it.
”Why didn't you ever tell me that you knew what was wrong with me?”
“I can only speak for myself, big brother. But I figured I shouldn't force you to come out. And you're rarely home. It took me a while to realize it, too. Besides, it's your life, isn't it? I guess our parents felt the same way. I think they're waiting for you to finally tell them.”
And that's exactly what Sven wanted to do. The opportunity arose the next morning at breakfast.
“Good morning!”
“Good morning, my boy. Did you sleep well?”
“As well as I haven't slept in ages.”
"By the way, Susan sends her regards. She called earlier.”
His father reported when he came in.
“Well then she certainly also told what we talked about yesterday, right?”
He had a lump in his throat. He was still afraid of this conversation.
“She made a few suggestions.” Said his mother.
"Susan also said that you have a question for us!”
His parents looked at him expectantly.
Taking a deep breath, Gideon asked,
“Why didn't you tell me that you suspected for quite a while that I was homosexual?”
“That's a good question,” his father looked him openly in the face. “We thought that you should decide for yourself when you are ready to tell us.”
“Yes, that's what Susan meant, too. And you're okay with it?“
”Honey, it's not up to us. We want you to be happy and we really hope that you find someone who will make you happy.” His mother took him in her arms.
“Gideon, what really bothered us was that we saw how much you were struggling. And we couldn't help you because we didn't know what was bothering you for a long time. That was really hard for us!"
When Gideon was back at the training camp, he realized how much the last few weeks had drained him mentally.
He realized that he could really use the vacation, the obligatory fourteen days of vacation remaining before the exhausting season. Gideon wanted to spend these days with his teammate Eirik Aukland in Norway. He lived near Stockholm. He had asked Gideon if he wanted to visit him during the last week of the previous season, and Gideon had gladly accepted. Gideon had taken a shine to Norway and so he also had the opportunity to visit friends.
He arrived there one early afternoon. Eirik lived in a two-family house. His younger brother Fredrik lived in the second apartment.
To Sven's surprise, Eirik's older brother Doug was currently living in the two-room apartment in the basement.
Doug was the same age as Gideon and had just switched from cross-country skiing to biathlon. The upcoming competitions would mark his second season. Gideon hadn't had much contact with Doug, but he really liked the tall, blond athlete.
He was happy to have the opportunity to get to know the young man better.
He rested for the first two days. He slept a lot, read a little and visited old friends.
Since Eirik had to take care of his advertising contracts, he apologized a thousand times for that, Doug had to play the “tourist guide”. But this task didn't seem to bother him. Gideon also enjoyed the other's presence.
He felt attracted to Doug and for the first time in his life he could honestly admit his feelings. He didn't have any hopes, since it still seemed abstract to him that there could be other athletes, let alone other biathletes, who were gay. Doug showed him the sights of Stockholm. They visited the Norwegian training camp, went out to eat together and went to the disco or the movies in the evenings.
The fortnight went by in a flash and Gideon felt really good. Unfortunately Doug had to cancel the last evening because he was invited to a friend's birthday party. Sven was very sorry about this and decided to go out alone that evening. Doug promised Gideon that he would take him to the plane the next morning.
When Doug had left, Gideon set off. He had noticed a disco in the city center that had a rainbow flag in the window. Since he hardly needed to be afraid of being discovered, he entered.
The place was already quite lively. Apparently, a birthday was even being celebrated in the back area of the disco. Gideon went to the bar and ordered a drink. Then he let the events take effect on him. In the world of this bar, it seemed quite normal for two men to dance with each other, kiss and exchange caresses. The music was good and literally pulled him onto the dance floor. And where before there had been fear of discovery and rejection, now a feeling of recognition and welcome spread.
Suddenly he felt someone tapping him on the shoulder. He turned around with a start and looked into the big, beautiful and slightly irritated eyes of Doug.
Both spoke at the same time.
“What are you doing here?”
They had to laugh.
"I'm celebrating a friend's birthday here, like I told you.”
“And I felt like dancing.“
”You don't happen to know what this place is, do you?“ Doug asked.
”If you mean whether I know that this is a place mainly gay people come to, I have to say yes, I do know that. And I'm not lost!”
Gideon looked Doug firmly in the eye. He knew that he was blushing quite a bit. But he didn't want to lie anymore. He didn't want to advertise his sexual orientation, but if the conversation turned to that topic, he wanted to answer honestly.
Doug smiled.
"I didn't know that the good Lord fulfilled hopes so quickly.”
“Aren't your friends going to wonder where you are?“
”No, I don't think so. I told them I had to talk to you and that it might take a while.“
”How come you're celebrating your friend's birthday,
his eyes were fixed on Doug,
in a gay disco?” 

“Well, this is our favorite disco and we know the owner very well. By the way, he's celebrating his birthday over there, you know?“
Doug grinned mischievously at Gideon, who couldn't help but return it.
”What did you mean by 'fulfilling hope'?”
“I'd rather discuss that with you somewhere else. What do you say we go home and make ourselves comfortable at my place?“
Gideon said yes and Doug went to say goodbye to his friends.
They took a taxi and soon arrived at Doug's apartment.
”Say, why do you actually live here? I thought you had an apartment in the city center?”
“I had that with my ex-boyfriend, too. We broke up in September last year. Then the season started again soon and I haven't had time to look for a place of my own yet. I actually find it quite comfortable here. Would you like a drink?“
”Yes, a beer if you have it. Starting tomorrow, I'll stop living this sinful life.”
Doug handed Gideon a beer and made himself comfortable on the sofa next to him.
“So, what was that about hope?” Gideon asked again.
“You're not going to let up, are you?” Doug tried to avoid the question, feeling embarrassed.
“Not if I have the feeling that I somehow play a role in it!”
"Well, okay. You win. I'll tell you. When I saw you for the first time last year, I fell for you. I asked around a bit and was quite disappointed when I heard that you were in a relationship and were planning to get married soon. Shortly after that, I heard that you were single again. Well, I think you're very interesting and that's why I asked Eirik to invite you.”
Gideon was completely flabbergasted.
“You're clever. Why didn't you just talk to me and ask me what was going on with me?”
“Would you have answered me honestly back then?”
“No, I don't think so!”
Doug took Gideon's hand in his own and squeezed it gently. He had noticed how difficult it was for his counterpart to talk about all this.
“You said earlier that you lived with your boyfriend...“
”Ex-boyfriend!“
”OK, ex-boyfriend. So your brothers and parents know, right?“
”Our parents died in a car accident six years ago.“
”Oh, I didn't know that.
“They never knew that I was gay. I only told Eirik and Frode shortly after the death of my parents. I realized how quickly life can be over. And then I want to be able to say to myself, that's how I would want to live my life again. Sounds crazy, doesn't it?“
”No, not at all.”
They talked about Sven's coming out and Doug's ex-boyfriend. Time flew by and when they looked at the clock for the first time, it was already 6 o'clock in the morning.
Doug decided to make breakfast while Gideon took a shower.
While Gideon was in the shower, he thought about Doug. He was falling in love. But how should it go on with them? He in Germany and Doug in Norway. They definitely had to talk about it.
When they met at the breakfast table, Gideon was quite nervous. Doug had set the table with love and had bought rolls.
He sat down opposite Doug.
“Doug, do you have any idea how we should proceed?“
”Is there an 'us'?“
”As far as I'm concerned, yes!“
Doug stood up and came over to him. He pulled Gideon up and held him tightly in his arms.
”You have no idea how happy you make me.”
He gently kissed him on the mouth. At that moment, Gideon knew that what he had done was right. Only with the path he had ultimately taken would he be happy. And he very much hoped so with this man, too.
"But how should it go on now? You here in Norway and me in good old Germany?”
“It's only a few more weeks. When the season and pre-training starts, we'll be together again. And then at every competition venue. Even in the same accommodation. We'll have to bridge the time until then somehow. There's telephone, e-mail, post and airplanes. I think we can do it. Can you?”
Doug had spoken very quickly. Gideon sensed his insecurity. After the last question, Doug looked at him hopefully and questioningly. Gideon smiled and nodded.
“Yes, we'll manage.”
Then it was time to leave. Gideon put his things in the car and then they headed for the airport. Both found this moment difficult. They wanted to talk to each other, discover their love. One still had so much to give to the other. Gideon's flight was called. They hardly knew how to say goodbye. Their love was so fresh and so fragile. They shook hands and were about to say “goodbye” when Doug pulled Gideon into his arms and kissed him. Then he left.
Gideon boarded the plane with tear-filled eyes.
Doug had given him a package shortly before departure, but he was not supposed to open it until the plane was in the air.
As soon as the plane left the ground, he tore open the package. Inside were a competition medal and a letter.
"Dear Gideon,
the medal you are holding is the first I ever won.
It is very special to me,
just like you.
I want you to keep it until we meet again.
I love you,
Doug.”
In the letter, he also found a picture of the two of them. Eirik had taken it at the beginning of the vacation.
Both were laughing and feeling comfortable.
Gideon arrived at the training camp in the evening.
After dinner, he went over his training plan with Frank. After that, Frank looked at him intently.
"You really seem to have benefited from the vacation, don't you?”
“What makes you say that?“
”You look very relaxed. And you're really glowing. Is there something I should know about?“
”Not yet, but maybe soon."
And he couldn't help grinning.
When he was in his room, he saw that there were two messages on his answering machine. He listened to them with bated breath. The first was from his mother. She wanted to know how his vacation was and if he had come back safely. He decided to call his mother back the next day.
The second call was from Doug.
"Hello Gideon...
I know it's way too early to call you. I never was a patient person. I was hoping to reach you a little earlier, but it was probably too early.
I'll wait for your call.
Bye."
Gideon was moved to tears. On the one hand, he was sad that Doug couldn't be with him and felt very lonely. On the other hand, he was also happy. With his much too early call, Doug had shown him that he was not any different.
He made himself comfortable on his bed and, with slightly shaky fingers, dialed Doug's number. It had only rung briefly when the call was picked up on the other end.
“Hi!”
“Hello, did you get back okay?”
“Back yes, but not okay!”
Startled, Doug held his breath.
"What happened? Are you all right?”
“Don't worry. I'm fine. I just feel so lonely and alone without you.“
”You scared the hell out of me.“
”I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I just miss you so much.“
”I miss you too. Why do you think I tried to call you an hour ago? Did you open the package?”
“Yes, and I promise I'll take good care of the medal and our picture is already in my wallet.“
”I have a little surprise for you!“
”Yes? What?“
”Could I come and visit you the weekend in three weeks? But only if you want me to?“ came the hesitant reply.
”Of course I want you to. I can hardly wait.”
They talked on the phone for a long time.
The next three weeks were quite exhausting for Gideon.
The training was hard and intense. But that was a good thing. It meant he had little time to be lonely and miss Doug. They talked on the phone every evening. And the longing for each other grew and grew.
Then it arrived. The long-awaited weekend.
Gideon picked up Doug from the airport. When they greeted each other, Gideon didn't let himself give in to his feelings. He was in his home country and no one here knew that he was gay.
He hugged Doug, but didn't dare to kiss the man he loved in public.
During the drive, they talked about trivialities.
But as soon as the door to Gideon's apartment was closed, he pulled Doug into his arms and kissed him. At first gently and carefully, then more and more demanding and searching.
Sven pulled Doug with him into the bedroom.
There they sank onto the bed in an intimate embrace.
As they lay exhausted in each other's arms, Gideon said:
“My God, I'm glad you're finally here with me. I couldn't have lasted another day.“
Doug smiled happily and snuggled up in his boyfriend's arms.
”I missed you too. For me, the wait was almost unbearable too. It's a shame that I can only stay for a short time.”
“I don't even want to think about you having to leave so soon.“
”Hopefully you haven't planned too much for this weekend?“
With a mischievous twinkle in his eye, he smiled at Gideon.
”Actually, the whole weekend is already planned. You won't have much time to catch your breath.”
Doug looked at Gideon in horror. Only when he realized that there was a twinkle in Gideon's eyes, too, did he realize that he had fallen for a joke.
The next morning, Gideon woke his friend with breakfast in bed. They had a nice day. Even though Doug was surprised that as soon as they left the apartment, Gideon behaved as if they really were just friends.
At dinner, Doug addressed the issue directly.
“Tell me, is it possible that you're not entirely comfortable with me visiting here?“
Gideon looked at him in alarm.
”What makes you say that?“
”Because you're acting so strangely when we're not alone!“
”What do you mean?”
“Well, whenever we leave your apartment, you act distant towards me. As if I were a complete stranger and not the man to whom you say you love him.”
Gideon swallowed hard. Unfortunately, he knew exactly what Doug meant. But he wasn't ready to take their relationship any further yet. He wanted to get to know Doug better first, wanted to be sure that they both belonged together.
That's exactly what he's trying to make him understand.
“Doug, I'm not ready to come out in public yet. Right now I just want to enjoy our togetherness. Without thinking about the future."
They talked at length about how they wanted to shape their relationship in the future.
On the outside, they only wanted to show a very good friendship until Gideon was ready to come out in public about his homosexuality.
Doug couldn't quite understand Gideon's fear of the public. He, too, lived openly as a homosexual, and no one cared. But he was willing to make that compromise as long as he was sure that Gideon loved him.
The next day, they were invited to Gideon's parents.
Gideon was very curious to see how they would react. He wasn't sure yet whether he would tell his parents that Doug was his boyfriend.
They had bought flowers for his mother and were on time at the door. The reception was warm.
Since Doug spoke very good German, the conversation was no problem and it would be a cozy dinner.
When Gideon helped his mother get dessert, he asked her how she liked Doug. He hoped he sounded non-committal, but it quickly became clear that he couldn't fool his mother.
“Why is my opinion of Mr. Aukland so important to you?”
she asked back, smiling to herself.
“Well, I'd like to know if I can bring Doug over to your place every now and then or if you'd rather not have him over?“ We've just become good friends!”
“Of course, I can only speak for myself. But I wouldn't mind if you brought your friend over every now and then.”
Her tone made it clear to him that she was aware of their relationship. He gave his mother a big hug.
“Thank you!“
The weekend passed far too quickly. And the separation was all the more difficult for them both.
The only consolation was that they would see each other again in a few weeks at the training camp.
Time dragged on. The evening before he left for the training camp, Sven received a call from his team manager.
”Hello Gideon!”
“Hello Martin. What's so important?“
”We have a small problem with the room occupancy here. Due to a water pipe burst, some rooms have become uninhabitable at the moment.“
”Oh! And what's the problem now?“
”We now have too few rooms. This means that you would either have to move to a local hotel or share a room with someone.”
“Well, before I make the trip to town several times a day, I'd rather share a room with someone...“
”That's wonderful!“
”Do you already know who my roommate will be?“
”No. It could also be someone from one of the other teams.“
”Well then, I'll have to wait and see what the surprise is!“
”Well then, see you tomorrow.”
“Yes, bye."
Gideon hoped very much that Doug would not misunderstand sharing a room with another man.
However, he didn't know how he would react if the situation were reversed. He decided to talk to Doug about it as soon as possible. But he wouldn't be able to reach him before the next evening.
When Gideon picked up his key the next morning, he couldn't yet be told who was to come to his room. So he went to his room and unpacked his things. Then it was time for the coaches' meeting.
Somehow the day went by quickly.
He managed to get to his room just before dinner and noticed that his roommate had probably already been there.
When he went upstairs after dinner, he took a hot shower.
Meanwhile, he realized that his roommate had returned. He was quite curious to see who they had put in his room.
When he was finished, he entered the living room and could hardly believe his eyes.
Doug was standing in front of him.
He had two glasses in his hands and the room was bathed in candlelight.
“Surprise!”
“What are you doing here?”
“Well, that's a welcome! I'm your roommate for the next few weeks.”
"I don't believe it. That's fantastic. Is it coincidence or fate?”
“Well, I gave fate a little push.“
”What do you mean?“
”I was asked which room I wanted when I arrived today. And of course I chose you!“
”Really? Who else was there to choose from?”
“Well, apart from you, there was my little brother. But he wanted to live with his girlfriend. Understandably so. And then there was Raphael, too. It was really very difficult to choose.“
He grinned at Gideon insolently.
”Well, Raphael is quite cute, too. But he's a total loser.“
”Was that the only reason you chose me?”
Gideon asked in jest, but Doug still noticed a slight undertone.
“Of course not. You know that, don't you? I'm so happy that this opportunity has literally fallen into our laps. And no one will notice anything.”
As he said this, he approached Gideon and took him in his arms.
"Don't you believe me when I say that I love you?”
“Of course I believe you. I feel the same way about you. I just hope that you will have enough patience with me.“
”We'll see. Right now I just want to hold you and feel you close to me."
Gideon found it wonderful living with Doug. He realized that being in love had become love.
But he still couldn't bring himself to come out in public.
When the competitions began, they had to separate and from then on it became more and more difficult for them to be alone. But they tried to make the best of it.
The season went well for both of them. Especially for Gideon. He regained his old form and often won or placed very well. He was the great hope for gold at the Olympic Games.
But Doug was slowly losing his patience. He didn't want to keep their love a secret forever.
One evening they had an argument about it.
“Why are you pushing me so hard? I told you I still need time!“ Gideon tried to defend himself.
”Do you really enjoy living our relationship in secret? I don't anymore!“
”What should I do? If I openly admit that I'm gay, I'll lose my sponsors. And then what do I do? And what should my fans think of me?”
“Yes, especially the female fans, right? Do you really think that our relationship, our love, can withstand this game of hide and seek in the long run? I doubt it very much!"
Gideon didn't know what to do. He could understand Doug. But the fear was just too great.
A few days later, he was invited to an interview. Of course, he was also asked about his private life there. The conversation was broadcast live.
“Gideon, what is your private life like?“
”It hardly exists during the season.“
”You broke up with your fiancée a while back. Are you still single, or is there someone in your life again?“
”No. I live alone. I haven't met the right woman yet!”
Doug saw this program and could hardly believe what he heard. Gideon, the man he loved so much, was denying him.
Blind with rage and sadness, he ran to his car and drove off. He just wanted to get away. But Doug overestimated himself. He skidded on the slippery road and crashed into a tree.
Gideon returned to his quarters quite late.
He looked for Doug, but couldn't find him anywhere. Then he heard two colleagues talking about a biathlete who had been in a car accident.
Gideon was scared. It couldn't have been Doug, could it? When he went to his room, he was given a note.
It was from Eirik.
“Hello Gideon,
Doug was in a car accident.
There is no danger to his life.
He is here in the city hospital.
He said that he doesn't want to see you, but I think he's lying...
I'm sure he's secretly waiting for you.
Don't let him wait too long.
Eirik“
Gideon sensed why Doug didn't want to see him. He was afraid that Doug would put an end to their relationship.
He called a taxi and made his way to the clinic.
When he asked for his friend, he was led to Eirik.
”Hello Gideon!“
”How is he?”
His voice trembled with fear.
“He's in surgery right now. His knee and wrist took quite a beating.”
“But his life isn't in danger, is it?”
“No, at least not because of the accident!”
Gideon looked at him in shock and turned even paler.
“What do you mean?“
”I mean that he saw your interview and it really upset him. At least that's what I was told.“
”You know that we're together?“
”Yes, I know. However, I have the feeling that he cares about it a lot more than you do.”
“That's not true! I love him like no one else in this world.“
”Then why don't you show him. I don't think he's asking too much of you, do you?“
At that moment, the doctor left the operating room.
The two men rushed towards him.
”How is my brother?”
“The operation went well. I can't say yet whether he will be able to continue his sport, but time will tell.“
”Can we see him?“
The doctor looked at Gideon and asked,
”Are you a relative, too?"
Eirik looked at him questioningly.
Gideon took a deep breath.
“No, but I'm Mr. Aukland's partner.“
”In that case. At the moment, Mr. Aukland is still in the recovery room, but you can see him as soon as he gets to his room. But please only briefly. He is still very weak.”
Gideon realized how close he had come to losing Doug. The thought of it still freaked him out. It was now up to him to save their relationship.
After an hour and a half, Doug was brought from the recovery room to his room. When Gideon saw him in his bed, asleep and utterly helpless, tears welled up in his eyes.
How could he have done this to Doug?
Eirik and Gideon sat down at Doug's bed and waited for him to wake up. After a while, Eirik said that he wanted to call Frode to let him know about Doug's condition.
When Eirik was gone, Gideon took Doug's hand in his.
“Honey, I'm sorry for what I did to you. I love you and nothing in the world could change that.
“I know that, but it hurt so damn much.” A weak voice answers him.
“Hey, you're awake. Thank God. You scared the hell out of me!”
"I'm sorry!”
“And I'm sorry, too. I only want to know one thing and then I'll leave you alone. Do you think you can forgive me again?"
Doug nodded weakly and was asleep again in no time.
An incredible sense of relief flooded the young man.
The season was over for Doug. He still had to stay in the clinic for a few days. Gideon visited him as often as he could.
Doug noticed that a big change had taken place in his friend. Gideon no longer tried to hide their love. When they were alone, he held Doug's hand and caressed it tenderly. He didn't pull it back even when someone entered the room.
When Doug had recovered enough to leave the clinic, he moved into Gideon's apartment. Gideon's parents wanted to take care of him, and since there was no one at his house, he gratefully accepted the offer.
Then the Olympics began.
There had been some rumors in advance. Gideon knew that most of them revolved around him and his personal life.
But now he was ready to tell the whole world that he was in love and with whom.
The first races were over and he had done very well.
Then came his favorite event. The mass start.
Doug arrived the night before the race. He asked him to wait for him at the finish line the next day and gave him a letter that he should only open when the race had started.
They only saw each other briefly the next morning. Doug stopped by to wish Gideon luck.
“Hi, honey. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.”
Gideon pulled Doug into his arms and kissed him.
“Hmmm, we haven't done that in a long time. But I promise you, when all this is over, I'll have lots and lots of time for you. I love you!"
Then they parted ways.
They saw each other again just before the start and then it began.
The starting signal sounded and the runners set off on the course. When Gideon was out of sight, Doug opened the letter addressed to him.
"Hello Doug,
by the time you read this letter, the race will have already started.
You may be wondering why I made such a secret about this line.
But I wanted you to find out only after the start.
I'm only going to win this race for you, and now everyone should know that I love you, and that I love a man.
I'll see you at the finish line,
Gideon."
Doug's heart was in his throat. He watched the shooting with bated breath. Gideon's toughest competitor was Doug's own brother Eirik.
The first shootings went well for both of them. Both had zero errors and were tied. At the last shooting range, it looked as if Gideon was showing nerves. The first shot went wide. But then he recovered and hit the remaining shots cleanly. So he had to take one penalty loop. But Eirik did not do any better. He also missed the first and last shots. So he had to take two penalty loops.
Gideon took his chance and flew down the track.
Then he saw the finish line. Gideon looked around. Eirik was not yet in sight. Then he knew that victory was his.
A smile spread across his face, which became a radiant smile when he saw Doug at the finish line.
As he crossed the finish line, he raised his arms in celebration. Immediately after the rifle check, he rushed to Doug and fell into his arms. When he had caught his breath, he said so loudly that everyone could hear it:
"This victory is only for you! I love you!”
And then he kissed Doug. From the corner of his eye, he saw flashing lights and he knew that it was right and good.
Now his life could begin.
With Doug at his side.
And it would be wonderful.

Continue reading..

Information A problem shared is a problem solved
Posted by: Simon - 11-16-2025, 06:23 PM - No Replies

The pictures looked scary again. Why was Basti doing this? Again and again he sent me pictures of the cuts he had inflicted on himself. This was not normal. So far, it had stopped after two weeks because I was able to stop his depression phase.
We had been writing to each other for some time via Whatsapp messages.
We had met through a group of train spotters against bullying on Instagram. I had founded this group some time ago because I too had been the victim of the worst bullying. Nobody in my class could understand how you could stand for hours by the railroad tracks just to photograph trains. That's why I was always an outsider in my class.
But train spotting gave me a lot. I was fascinated by photographing new trains or newly formed trains and adding them to my collection. In Germany, there was a small group of like-minded people and I was able to exchange my pictures with them. However, at sixteen years old, I was by far the youngest there. But age hardly mattered to us. Only the quality of the pictures was important. I received the recognition within the group of friends that was otherwise denied to me.
Basti only joined us a few weeks ago. He had written to me because he had read an article about me in a magazine. He came from a region far in the south of Germany. So it was not easy to get to know each other personally. Nevertheless, I liked him from the start.
It therefore only took a few days for us to start exchanging messages on WhatsApp. In these messages, he sometimes told me how bad he felt. At the beginning, I didn't give his descriptions too much weight. He was about a year younger than me.
Unfortunately, he then started cutting himself. He inflicted deep cuts on himself with a sharp knife. He then sent me these pictures. I found it terrible and tried again and again to build him up. Until now, I have managed to do so with a lot of patience and kind words. Only at the moment were the pictures very bad and I had the feeling that he often numbed himself with alcohol as well.
I was sitting doing my homework when Basti sent me more pictures. They looked absolutely awful and ugly. Often I couldn't bear to look at them. So I put my cell phone aside to be able to concentrate better on my work.
It took another 45 minutes before I was finished. Only then did I pick up my cell phone again and read the messages that had come in the meantime. Some were from my train friends, but there were also four messages from Basti.
He was very depressed and frustrated again. His arms looked accordingly. Completely cut and bloody. That hurt me so much, because Basti was actually a really pretty boy. Why was he only destroying himself? I asked myself this question every time. To this day, I have not found an answer to it.
Today he wrote to me again about his desire to end his suffering. I was shocked when I read these lines. It had never been so blatant. With my answers, I tried to take the pressure off him and calm him down. Unfortunately, this had no effect. On the contrary, he became more and more obsessed with this delusion of wanting to end his life.
I felt totally helpless and really scared. What else could I do? He was over 400 kilometers away from me. So far, I hadn't told anyone about this situation. My parents knew that I was in contact with him, but I hadn't told them about his problems. I didn't want to burden my father with it. After all, he worked for the fire department as the city fire inspector. He was the head of the professional fire brigade in our city. This meant that he had a great deal of responsibility and was always very busy.
Today, however, I was lucky enough that he was already back from his early shift. I thought about it for a moment, because I had promised Basti not to talk to anyone about his problems, but then I decided to do it after all.
When I came downstairs, my father was already sitting at the computer in his office again. I knocked and entered his study.
“Hello Pascal, come in.”
“Hi Dad. Am I disturbing you?”
"No, no. That's fine. What's on your mind?”
Now I was standing right in front of his desk and my heart was pounding. Once again the doubts came. Should I really break Basti's trust? I had made up my mind because the situation had become unbearable for me.
“I told you about Basti. A friend from Koblenz.”
Dad looked up from his monitor and leaned back.
“Yes, I remember. You met in your model railroad group. What about Basti?“
”Uh, unfortunately I don't know, but I'm very worried that he might do something to himself. For days he has been writing to me that he is doing badly, that nobody likes him anymore and that he can't stand it at school.”
My father frowned and then got up from his chair.
“Come with me, this is not the right place to talk about it. Let's go into the living room.”
My father never really had time for something like this. So I looked at him in surprise as he walked past me. I followed him into the sitting area in the living room.
I had sat down opposite him when he asked me:
“Please tell me the whole story. I can see from your face that this is bothering you a lot."
This was a special situation for me, because my father never had time for such conversations in the last few months.
I began to tell him the whole story, and whenever I spoke of the pictures, I got goosebumps. In the middle of my description, he asked me:
“Do you still have these pictures? And would you please show me these pictures? I have a feeling that your friend might need help after all."
With an uneasy feeling, I took my cell phone out of my pocket and put it on the table in front of him. He asked me to come over to the sofa so that we could look at the pictures together.
I was surprised that my father, who had seen many terrible things in his job, seemed impressed by these pictures. Suddenly he asked me:
“How well do you know Basti? How serious is this?”
"I don't know, Dad. If I knew, I would feel better. But he's definitely not okay.”
“That's for sure. Have you tried calling him and talking to him?“
”Yes, but he won't take the call. Isn't there anything I can do for him? What if he really does kill himself?“
My father thought for a moment, then he had decided.
”You have his cell phone number and his name, but not his address. Right?“
”Exactly.”
“Okay, here's what you do. Call the police and describe the situation. Let them decide what to do.“
”They'll think I'm crazy. I'm sixteen and I don't even know Basti personally. They'll just laugh at me.”
“I'm afraid that normally they wouldn't bother with this, but I'll call the head of the department. We know each other well. Then they also know that you have certainly not made this up.“
”And then? I mean, Basti is many hundreds of kilometers away. How is that going to work?”
“You just let your colleagues do that. Your job is to explain to them that this situation seems to be getting really dangerous. Young people who cut themselves for so long are seriously ill and need help. Even if he doesn't want to kill himself, he needs help quickly.” 

I was grateful to my father for taking me seriously. Nevertheless, I did not feel particularly well.
"Pascal, I'm glad you've taken responsibility here. I understand your situation well. You probably promised Basti not to talk to anyone about it. But now is the time to act.”
He took his cell phone and after a few moments he had his friend Stefan on the line. I didn't have much time to think about whether it was the right thing to do, because suddenly my father handed me his cell phone.
“Would you please give the colleagues from Koblenz a brief briefing on the situation. Stefan has connected you directly to the office in Koblenz."
With shaky hands, I picked up the phone and briefly explained the situation. I gave them Basti's cell phone number and his full name. How they could use it to find out where he lived or was was not clear to me at that moment.
A few minutes later the call was over and Dad took the phone from me.
"Calm down, Pascal. I'm proud of you. I'm quite sure that you made the right decision for Basti. Now we have to hope that the police in Koblenz find him.”
I looked at my cell phone. Basti hadn't written me any further messages. He hadn't been online since I last tried to call him either. This worried me a lot. Hopefully it wasn't too late after all.
The next morning, I was only physically present at school. Basti hadn't gotten in touch again, and my thoughts kept revolving around him and whether he was okay. I didn't even know him personally, but I felt very close to him. His story has been something special to me from the beginning, too.
When school finally ended at noon and I was able to go home, it was a relief for me. I was finally able to try to contact him, but unfortunately his cell phone was turned off. Why had he turned off his cell phone? What did that mean?
When I arrived home, I found that I was alone in the house. My father was on duty and my mother had driven to a handball game with my brother. I found a note from my mother in the kitchen. But it was only about lunch. I had hoped that the police might have contacted me.
As I later learned from my father, the police were not allowed to pass on any information to me. It would have been illegal.
But that didn't help me at all in this situation. So I called Dad at work. I just couldn't stand the uncertainty any longer.
“Pascal, what's so urgent that you're calling me at work?”
"Dad, I can't get hold of Basti anymore. Do you have any idea or information for me? I'm very worried.”
“Son, I can't see into the future. Maybe you can ask in your tram group if someone has had contact with him. Or you can call the police in Koblenz. Maybe the officers will tell you something, but I can't imagine what. Because they are not allowed to give you any information. This information can only be given to the closest relatives.”
“Wow, that's lousy. I'm trying to help and basically I'm being punished for it.“
”Pascal, calm down. I understand you, but unfortunately the laws are like that. Let's talk about it tonight in peace."
So I couldn't expect any further support from my father either. That didn't make my unease any smaller. However, I did write a message to our spotter group. Maybe someone could tell me something about it after all.
There was nothing for it but to get on with my schoolwork. So I sat down at my desk and started with my homework. It wasn't easy for me to concentrate.
Suddenly I got a call from an unknown number. I didn't usually accept such calls, but today was different. I was hoping to find out something about Basti.
“Yes?“ I answered.
A male voice answered.
”Hello, am I speaking with Pascal Winter?“
”Yes, who is this?“
”Klaus Brömmel, I'm Basti's father. Are you the boy who sent the police to our house?”
I was now really hot. How should I understand that? Was he angry or did he want to thank me? How should I answer?
"Um, yes. I called the police because I was very worried. I didn't want to cause any trouble, but what...”
“Thank you, you did everything right. The police got to us in time and were able to take Basti to a clinic. He's doing well, considering the circumstances. You're probably wondering why I didn't take care of him. Unfortunately, I'm often away on business and can't always help him. I also know that he's sick. But he doesn't want to be helped.”
“Oh dear, has he actually tried to harm himself? What exactly happened?“
”Take it easy. No, the police got to us in time and the fire brigade opened the door. So the emergency doctor was able to take him to a psychiatric clinic. He's there now and can finally get treatment.”
“Thank you for letting me know. I was really worried whether something had happened. I can't reach him anymore.”
“Yes, I can well imagine that. That's why the doctor advised me to call you. Basti had to hand in his cell phone to be able to calm down. When he has stabilized, he will definitely get in touch with you. But I can't tell you how long that will take.“
”Okay, is there anything else I can do for him? I would love to help him.”
“Yes, wait for him and be there for him when he needs you. He promised me he would get in touch with you. I'll keep you updated and then we'll see. Maybe you can visit us when Basti is doing better. I'd like to meet you. You've done something really great for me. Thank you so much.”
I was speechless but endlessly happy. A huge weight fell from my shoulders when I put the cell phone on the table.
Four weeks later, I was extremely excited as I entered Koblenz train station. Today was the day I would meet Basti in person for the first time.
It had been preceded by a few emails and phone calls with his father. Basti had been treated in a clinic the whole time and was only allowed to have regular contact with his father.
Basti had only been back home for three days. However, his father had been allowed to tell me that Basti really wanted to meet me. So we had found this appointment and I had now got off the train and looked around the platform.
Suddenly I saw someone waving. I looked more closely and could hardly believe it. It couldn't actually be Basti. A super-beautifully coiffed boy in elegant clothes came up to me. No comparison at all to the Basti I knew before.
His father was with him, but stayed a few meters behind him. I walked up to them and when we were standing in front of each other, I hugged Basti. We held each other tight. Neither of us said a word. Any words would have been superfluous. It felt great

Continue reading..

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