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Information Thirteen Candles
Posted by: WMASG - 12-26-2025, 11:32 AM - Replies (1)

"Happy birthday, dear Kyle... Happy birthday to you too!" I was truly happy. Finally eleven—not a teenager yet, but old enough that people were starting to listen to me instead of treating me like a little kid. Everyone was singing while Dad brought out a big sheet cake with eleven candles on it. We were all sitting in our swimsuits around a patio table next to our fenced-in pool. How cool to have a pool party in December!

My birthday cake was decorated with a vinyl record with a tonearm resting on either side and visible sheet music. Ironically, I was about as anti-vinyl as an audiophile could be, but nothing embodied music better than the image of an old-fashioned record player, and that's exactly what was on my birthday cake.

I wasn't satisfied with most digital music either. Not by a long shot. The songs were okay, but 99.999% of today's music is mastered for streaming, which I consider a war crime. While vinyl is phenomenally better than CDs, which are far better than Spotify or Apple Music, it's fragile, and even the best vinyl deteriorates over time. So Neil Young made it his life's work to save music by digitizing the original multi-track recordings in high resolution, saving them in a format that preserved the music's full dynamic range and would last forever. I had a huge collection of high-resolution music on my computer, and nothing—not even vinyl—could compare to it.

Not many eleven-year-olds I knew were as passionate about music as I was, and then again, not many eleven-year-olds I knew were in their senior year at Stuyvesant High School, one of New York City's elite high schools. Not many eleven-year-olds I knew were open and proud of their music, either, and they didn't have a friend like Freck. Freck was another child prodigy, but a few years older than me. In a few weeks, it was his birthday, and he would be turning thirteen. Freck was about to become a teenager.

After I blew out all the candles, my cousin Jason from California and my friend Asher White broke into a rendition of the Beatles' "Birthday Song." Jason, who was thirteen and had won national competitions with the jazz band he started at nine, played the keyboard, while the two boys sang along. Asher, fifteen, was a soloist with the Stuyvesant Men's Chorus and had a great voice. After singing "Birthday Song," Jason started banging on the keys, and he and Asher moved on to "Crocodile Rock" by Elton John, followed by "Pinball Wizard" by Stevie Wonder of The Who, "Sir Duke" by Carole King, "Every Breath You Take" by David Bowie, "I Feel the Earth Move" by The Police, "Let's Dance" by Billy Joel, and finally "Piano Man." To be honest, I liked all kinds of music, including classical, jazz, country, and even hip hop, but my all-time favorite was classic rock. The sixties, seventies and early eighties were a special time when music recording reached its peak before the digital revolution came and destroyed everything.

My baby and I danced until we couldn't anymore. Only then did I realize I hadn't eaten my own birthday cake yet. Even though I had drastically reduced my caffeine intake, I still loved the taste of coffee and never missed an opportunity to eat something coffee-flavored. Dad had been searching for a long time for a baker who could make a real Kahlua-flavored birthday cake, and boy, was the cake incredible. Served with Häagen-Dazs coffee, it was perfect.

We finally got to open the presents. I had a Sony PlayStation, and some of the gifts were new games for it, but I wasn't a hardcore gamer. I enjoyed playing for fun now and then, but not enough to be competitive, so I never got into online gaming. I got a few Kindle books, including the latest Orson Scott Card book, which I was dying to read. I got a Blu-ray version of the latest season of Star Trek Discovery, and even though I wasn't a hardcore Trekkie like Asher or Seth, I knew I'd enjoy all the extras that weren't available on streaming CBS All Access.

Freck gave me two premiere tickets for the new Star Wars film as part of a package that included limited-edition Star Wars 3D glasses, a limited-edition signed movie poster, and a soon-to-be-released steelbook set with a 4K HDR Blu-ray of all eleven films. I had to chuckle at the thought of receiving a collection of eleven films for my eleventh birthday. My boyfriend, a die-hard Star Wars fan, would be even happier than I am. It would definitely be great to see the latest Star Wars film on the big screen with him on premiere day.

Because my birthday was so close to Hanukkah, my family only gave me one present each year for both of my birthdays. This was pretty unfortunate because my gifts combined were never worth as much as the two gifts my brother Roger received each year. However, I had a feeling this year might be different, as it would be my last birthday living at home. I was wondering what kind of present I would get this year when my dad handed me a sealed envelope. Last year, I had gotten my portable music player from A&K, which cost $1,800. I already had one of the latest iPhones and would probably get a new laptop for graduation. I was way too young for a car, but a new bike would come in handy if I got accepted to MIT.

I took the envelope from Dad, opened it, and began reading. The MIT letterhead immediately piqued my interest, but what followed was completely unprepared. "Dear Mr. Goldstein, we are pleased to offer you a position as a graduate student in the program..." I couldn't read any further because my eyes filled with tears. Finally, I turned to Dad and asked, "How did you get the letter? Acceptance letters won't be sent out for a few months."

"Let's just say it helps to know a Nobel Prize winner in physics," Dad replied. Dad meant Dr. Jeff Franklin, a foundation professor at the American Museum of Natural History and partner of my friend Seth's grandfather. But then a critical thought occurred to me and I asked, "But what about Freck?"

"If you read the rest of your acceptance letter," Dad replied, "you'll see that they approved your request to share a dorm room with your 'friend,' François San Angelo. Speaking of which, consider this an early birthday present," Dad added, handing Freck a similar envelope.

Moments later, Freck let out a cheer and repeatedly said, "I'm in. I'm in!"

“The joint program in architecture and civil engineering?” I asked my friend.

"Absolutely!" he replied. He practically jumped up and down next to me, but then he got a confused look on his face and asked, "Not that I'm not grateful for the news, but how can this be a birthday present?"

"Are you kidding?" Dad replied. "You and Kyle, the combined tuition costs over a hundred thousand dollars a year, not to mention room and board."

"But my parents will pay my share," Freck countered, "and you'd be paying Kyle's tuition anyway, so you still owe him a birthday present."

"Indeed," Dad replied, handing me another envelope. I opened it and immediately noticed the logo of the American Museum of Natural History. I'd looked at several summer internships at top labs around the world, but of the few that accepted participants under 18, none were for people as young as me. I hadn't read anything about an internship at the AMNH—not one open to high school students, let alone those under 18 or even 16. And yet here I was reading an acceptance letter for such a program. How was that possible?

Before I could even ask the question, Dad replied, "The museum doesn't even offer summer internships for students. Of course, there are always learning programs, but these are more geared toward a basic STEM curriculum. There are a limited number of positions associated with specific research projects and exhibitions, most of them for graduate students. Undergraduate internships are rare, and high school internships are unknown. But there has never been a Nobel laureate holding an endowed chair who has made such a request."

"Internship?" Freck asked.

"Yes, you both have internships there this summer," Dad continued, handing Freck a letter. "Of course, there couldn't be any compensation for the internships. Aside from being open to high school graduates regardless of age, the only requirements were that one required fluency in five or more languages other than English, and the other required completion of advanced courses in vector calculus and complex number theory."

"Man, I wonder where they find applicants who are still in high school and meet these requirements?" I asked.

"Believe it or not, there were several applications for both positions," Dad said, "even though they weren't advertised directly. They're not the only exceptional kids out there, you know."

“That’s a scary thought,” Roger interjected, making all our friends laugh.

“I hope you understand that these internships are truly a gift, even though they didn’t cost me any money,” Dad added.

“Of course I understand,” I replied and Freck nodded.

I literally spent days preparing, including petitioning the governor and our two senators. There's hardly any precedent for allowing eleven- and thirteen-year-olds to participate in advanced internships. Seth's grandfather, however, is a case in point. He was only thirteen when he participated in a University of Iowa summer program for sixteen- and seventeen-year-olds. Therefore, Dr. Franklin insisted there was no minimum age requirement and that age would not be a factor in selecting applicants. Nevertheless, we had to obtain waivers from state and federal regulations in each case.

"So you'll both be busy this summer, and even though your internships will both be at AMNH, you'll be doing completely different things and may not see each other all day. In many ways, it will be similar to MIT."

The thought that Freck and I would be going our separate ways during the day hit me hard. I'd always known things would be different in college, but I hadn't really thought about what that would entail. At Stuyvesant, I was way ahead of Freck in math, but he was much further ahead in languages. Still, we had many classes together and ate lunch with our friends every day. I didn't see my baby for more than an hour or two, but otherwise, we were always together.

MIT would be different. Not only would we be at different levels in math, science, and humanities, but we'd also have completely different curricula that might not overlap at all. We might take a creative writing or history class together, but that would mean spending a few hours a week together at most, nothing more. If we were lucky, we might take a computer science class together, since programming skills are central to both fields. Otherwise, we'd only see each other for breakfast and dinner, and if we made an effort, lunch too. At the very least, we'd spend our evenings together.

But when I thought about it, wouldn't our lives be the same from now on? Each of us would have our own profession and spend our days separately. Freck, being an architect, would probably be away for weeks at a time, working on his projects on-site. And wouldn't that also apply to me in my field? Particle accelerators don't exactly grow on trees, and the most powerful ones aren't even in the US. I myself would be away for maybe several weeks at a time, collecting data from my experiments. It would be an enormous effort for Freck and me to even have a life together. And as much as I would love to start a family, what kind of life would our children have if their fathers were constantly on the road?

I guess I was getting a little gloomy when Freck took me aside and said, "My office can be anywhere in the world, Ky. Find yourself a top academic position—maybe even an endowed chair at one of the best physics universities. Wherever you go, I'll go with you, and when we have kids, we'll hire a nanny. It wasn't being raised by a nanny that broke me, Ky. It was being treated like a poster child by parents who never loved me. That will never happen to our children," he concluded, pulling me into a hug and squeezing me tightly. How did he know what was bothering me?

"It won't be easy, Freck," I replied. "Governments are no longer investing in particle accelerators, which means we have to make do with upgrades to existing ones and improvise a lot for our experiments. Today it's the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Switzerland. Tomorrow it could be Fermilab in Illinois. Particle physicists can't choose their country, let alone their lab."

"Maybe this is a sign that the field is overcrowded," Freck said. What a welcome thought! "Maybe this is a sign that you should keep your eyes open for the next big thing," he continued.

"Particles are the building blocks of the universe," I explained. "When there are major discoveries, they are made by particle physicists."

"If that's the case, what particles does dark matter consist of?" asked Freck. "What happens to the quarks in a black hole? Which particles triggered the Big Bang?"

"You know there are no answers to these questions," I replied. "There were no particles, but what does that have to do with anything?" In the so-called Big Bang

"Is it because the answers have not yet been found or because we are not asking the right questions?" Freck countered. "Why is it still not compatible with the theory of relativity?" can we use quantum theory

I was about to respond with the obvious answer when I realized it wasn't so obvious. Maybe Freck was right. I had to stop, open-mouthed, as he continued: "The answer isn't so obvious, is it?"

"You see, we've just reached the point where we can measure gravitational waves. Not so long ago, there wasn't even evidence of their existence. Not so long ago, we only knew of the existence of nine planets in the universe, regardless of Pluto's status. Today, we have mapped the existence of thousands of planets, some of them Earth-like.

I don't have your mathematical knowledge—at least not yet—but it seems to me that today's greatest discoveries aren't coming from particle accelerators. Chris Nolan made a movie called Interstellar. His depiction of what a black hole looks like was based on the latest theories, and guess what we saw when we actually glimpsed a real black hole for the first time? The astrophysicists nailed it, and not a single particle was destroyed in the making of the film. It's a damn awesome, exciting time.

"Discover the true nature of gravity and unlock the secrets of the universe. Find out why mass and momentum are conserved and unravel the mystery of interstellar space travel. And we just happen to be spending the entire summer with two of the world's greatest astrophysicists."

It was like an epiphany. I had been so focused on the big discoveries underlying books when I first became interested in science—discoveries of the late 20th century—that I had ignored the big discoveries made in my lifetime. Freck was absolutely right—if I could unlock the true nature of gravity, mass, and momentum, I could free humanity from the shackles of Newton's First Law. As Chris Nolan put it in Interstellar: Humanity has never figured out a way to go anywhere without leaving something behind. Maybe I could change that, and what better place to learn astrophysics than one of the world's greatest astrophysics labs?

I was so excited that I grabbed my sweetheart and kissed him passionately, which caused all our friends to cheer and shout.

<> <> <>

Although we celebrated my birthday on Sunday, today was actually my eleventh birthday, but it was a Monday and a school day. My friend Freck, on the other hand, always had his birthday off because it was the day after Christmas, a time when no one thought about something as mundane as birthdays. Even at our house, we usually celebrate a traditional Jewish Christmas. By that, I mean going to the movies and having dinner at a Chinese restaurant. In our case, we usually went to see the latest Hollywood blockbuster and had dinner at one of the best restaurants in Chinatown.

This was the first year Freck spent Christmas with our family, which presented us with a dilemma. Although he was one-quarter Jewish, he had been raised Roman Catholic. His parents were not religious at all, but always celebrated a traditional Roman Catholic Christmas together as a family, and it showed. As honored guests of the Archdiocese of New York, they celebrated Midnight Mass at St. Patrick's Cathedral to express their gratitude for their generous donations to the church.

On Christmas morning, there was a formal gift exchange, always attended by special customers. Freck's gift was meant to be a combined Christmas and birthday present, but the day after Christmas, Freck's actual birthday, there was nothing—not even a birthday cake.

Well, this year would certainly be different. Freck's birthday would not be forgotten. But what would we do for Christmas? Freck had resolved to study Judaism, and he and I were even preparing for a joint Bar Mitzvah service the following year. He was looking forward to an authentic Hanukkah with us, but I hated that he was neglecting his Christian upbringing. I actually knew that Judaism leaves no room for belief in Christ as the Messiah, and Freck considered himself an agnostic. But with so many mixed-faith children celebrating both faiths, why shouldn't Freck celebrate Christmas and Hanukkah?

The two holidays happened to coincide this year, so there was still time to make a plan, but not much time. Christmas was just over two weeks away. And the next day, he would turn thirteen. Not only was it his first birthday with my family, but it was also a very special birthday, as Freck was just becoming a teenager. As his friend, I had to make sure we made it extra special. But what should I get him? Freck already had everything a boy could want.

Finding time to discuss plans with the fathers proved nearly impossible. With their busy schedules and on-call duties, it was simply impossible to find the two of them together when Freck wasn't there. But even finding one of them alone was difficult. I knew they wanted to accommodate Freck, but their workload at the hospital always increased around the holidays, and this year was no different. My older brother, Roger, always had an inexhaustible wealth of ideas, most of them completely impractical. My best friends were Asher and Seth, but they were two years younger than me in school, and I only saw them at lunch—with Freck.

The only opportunity to talk to someone was after school at basketball practice. Our good friend Carl was one of the top scorers on the varsity team, and his friend Clarke always sat in the stands at practice and most games. Since Freck was on the swim team and had to train himself, he missed most of the basketball games and practices. So on Tuesday afternoon, the day after my eleventh birthday, I sat next to Clarke at basketball practice.

“Clarke,” I began the conversation, “you come from a wealthy family and you’ve always gotten what you wanted, haven’t you?”

Clarke laughed heartily and replied, "Oh yes, I come from a wealthy family. My father went to college but began his career as a garbage collector and worked his way up in the union. Although we were never poor, we lived in a much more modest neighborhood when I was growing up. It was a single-family home, but in reality it was a row house with about a foot of space between the houses—just enough for me to tend to what passed for grass. The entire backyard was taken up by a pool—an above-ground pool on a wooden deck that was too shallow for diving and too narrow for swimming. It wasn't until my father endorsed an outside candidate for mayor, and the jerk actually won, that we were able to move into our current apartment. And then it was more likely kickbacks, bribes, and embezzlement that made it all possible.

"Now we have a beautiful house, but it's on Staten Island—not in Riverdale. I think you know what it's like to grow up in a wealthy family, Kyle."

"Gee, I'm sorry, Clarke," I replied, feeling a little embarrassed to bring it up. "I just thought you'd always lived in that mansion you're in now. Our house is really small compared to all the condemned houses around us. It's what they call a split-level. I never really thought of us as wealthy or anything. I mean, people think all doctors are rich, but my dad's still paying off his medical school debt, and he only finished his residency around the time I was born..."

"How much did that fancy music player you always carry around cost?" Clarke interrupted. "And isn't your swimming pool indoors?"

"Technically, it's under a deck that was added after the house was built," I replied, "so it's an outdoor pool that was later covered and heated, but yeah, I guess we'll be okay. It's just that Freck grew up in a damn penthouse apartment in the shadow of the World Trade Center, with billionaire parents, all the toys a boy could want, and season tickets to the Met..."

"And by eleven, he was already a stoner," Clarke interrupted, "and he tried to kill himself. He was filthy rich, but bankrupt in love. I know what that's like. My father beat me up all the time and then donated so generously to the church that the nuns looked the other way. Even when I got to Stuyvesant, he made me realize how worthless I was. That's why I became a bully, because my father taught me that the only way to earn respect was to scare others. How shitty was that?"

“Yes, but you really turned your life around after you met Carl,” I remarked.

"Without a doubt, that kid saved my life," Clarke admitted, looking down at his sweaty tank-top-clad friend sinking one three-pointer after another. "Seems to me you also saved Freck's life, literally," he added.

Shaking my head, I countered: "He had a serious relapse the summer we were in Paris. A silly little argument about Parisian architecture was enough. He thought he knew better than the Parisians, and when I stood up for them, he took it as rejection and ran away. It took us three days, 25,000 euros, and a dedicated investigator to find him, but that was the least of our problems. The worst part was when we had to go to the morgue to identify something the police thought was his body."

"Shit," Clarke replied. "I couldn't bear to see something like that happen to Carl." Then he looked directly at me and continued, "I guess the real difference for me is that I've found closure with my parents' time in prison. My wounds were mostly physical, and those wounds have healed. Now that my brother has moved back home and my boyfriend and his mom have moved in with us, I have more than enough people to love me and show me that I'm not a worthless faggot."

"Freck's wounds are all internal," Clarke continued, "and even though he now has you and your fathers, he still doesn't feel safe. There's no easy solution to this, either. It will take time for him to feel worthy of your love."

"We're both in therapy," I replied. "He sees a therapist once a week, and we also have family counseling every week. We'll continue doing that until we go to MIT in the fall."

"Maybe going straight from Stuyvesant to MIT isn't the best thing for either of you," Clarke suggested. "You're both academically ready, but the pressure to live up to adult expectations might be too much. I mean, Freck will be thirteen and you'll only be eleven, and you'll be around kids who are mostly eighteen. Freck may look like a teenager, and his voice has changed, but he'll still be a good six inches shorter than many of his peers. It'll be even worse for you, but I think Freck is more fragile, and what you dismiss could hurt him deeply."

It was like a flash of lightning. I'd been worrying about what to get Freck for his thirteenth birthday, although that was nothing compared to the stress that lay ahead for both of us the following fall. We were just months away from graduating from one of America's top high schools, would be interning at one of the world's leading astrophysics labs that summer, and then would be freshmen at MIT. We'd already gotten into college in our desired subjects and our career paths were set, but we were still kids, both legally and emotionally. Freck was barely out of his teens, and I was still a teenager who didn't even need to use deodorant yet. How could we expect anyone to take us seriously?

But what other choice did we have if we didn't go to MIT next fall? Living at home would make it easier, but the stress of navigating the adult world wouldn't be any less at Columbia. But if we postponed starting college for a year, what else would an eleven-year-old and a thirteen-year-old do in the meantime? It wasn't as if I'd never heard of a gap year, but we were nowhere near old enough to work, and we couldn't travel the world on our own. I simply didn't see any alternative to our plans to study at MIT.

"Yes, I think you should seriously consider staying in high school for another year or two, or maybe even doing something else entirely," Clarke continued. "I know it's not uncommon for some students to take five years to graduate. There are even schools that offer five-year programs for students with special needs, and it's not because they're stupid. I don't think you have to graduate if you have enough credits. So maybe you can postpone graduation and study for another year. At City University, you can take dual-credit courses and earn credits that can transfer to MIT. You might even have enough pre-med and college credits to start there in your sophomore or even junior year."

Clarke's idea was a revelation. I had thought the only alternative to MIT the following year would be to study somewhere else, but that wouldn't change anything. By extending our time at Stuyvesant, we could take most of our freshman year courses at City University Community College, which was right across the street from Stuyvesant and where the students were accustomed to having Stuyvesant students around. And we would have another year of Stuyvesant's support, including all our friends, our dads, and Roger. Freck could even spend another year on the swim team if he wanted. It would be a chance for us to be kids for one more year. It would be another year for Freck to heal and deepen our love.

My worries about finding the perfect gift for Freck's thirteenth birthday were quickly forgotten. No matter what I gave him, Freck would probably be happy because it was from me, but that was irrelevant. The opportunity to spend another year at home with our fathers and another year with all our friends would be priceless. 

I almost shared my thoughts at dinner, but decided to wait until I had more information. And so, the next day, I found myself sitting in the counselor's office. It was the first time I'd met him since I started at Stuyvesant last year. I wanted to schedule an appointment first thing in the morning, but with winter break approaching, Mr. Reynolds didn't have many appointments anyway, so he asked if I wanted to meet with him then. Of course, I agreed.

"Mr. Reynolds," I began, "I don't know if you remember me..."

"It'll be hard to forget you, Kyle," he interrupted. "As far as I know, you're the youngest student in this school, and your attitude is, let's just say, unforgettable. What can I do for you today?"

“Well, that’s really a question that concerns both my friend François San Angelo and me…”

"Has Freck finally spoken to you?" Mr. Reynolds asked. Huh? I had no idea what he was talking about. I guess he saw the confusion in my face, because he continued, "I assume he hasn't, and that's a shame. You two really should talk to each other and your fathers instead of trying to solve your problems in isolation, but I'm getting ahead of myself."

"As you know, the conversations we have privately with our students are strictly confidential. You may know that Freck has met with me several times this year..."

"Did he?" I asked, surprised. "Why didn't he talk to me about it?"

"I'm afraid you'll have to ask him," Mr. Reynolds replied. "Of course, I would be happy to meet you both in person or arrange a meeting with your entire family. But in the meantime, what can I do for you today, Kyle?"

“As you may know,” I began, “Freck and I have applied to MIT for next fall.”

"And you were both accepted," Mr. Reynolds interjected. "Congratulations to both of you." Seeing my shocked expression, however, he added, "Don't be surprised that I already know about your admissions. The academic advising offices are constantly contacted and often receive notification before the students themselves."

"I didn't know that," I replied, and continued, "I asked you to meet today because I'm afraid Freck and I aren't ready to go to college yet. Don't get me wrong—MIT has always been my dream, and studying architecture and civil engineering together is a perfect fit for Freck. I probably don't need to tell you that Freck has his issues, and I'm afraid the pressure of competing with kids five years older than him might be too much for him. Not that he's academically unready, but he's still struggling with the disapproval of his biological parents."

"In my case," I continued, "I've never felt threatened by older children or adults, but I worry that despite my outgoing nature, no one will take me seriously until my voice changes. I'm not worried about the other children, as I've been around older classmates my entire life. But if the professors and teaching assistants treat me like a little kid, how am I supposed to be treated fairly?"

Mr. Reynolds folded his hands, leaned back in his chair, and replied, "You really should talk to your friend about your concerns. Without going into the details of my conversations with him, I'll just say that he has many of the same concerns as you, with the added concern of holding you back..."

“You mean he wants to postpone his studies, but hasn’t even mentioned it to me because he doesn’t want to ask me to make that sacrifice for his sake?” I asked.

“I can’t answer that either, although I must admit you’re very perceptive,” replied Mr. Reynolds.

“But it would be beneficial for both of us to wait to go to college,” I replied.

"I completely agree, Kyle," he replied. "It's not that you're incapable of meeting the academic requirements, but you're not even a teenager yet and haven't yet developed the coping skills that most college students take for granted, however immature they may be. One more year would make a world of difference, and two more years could mean the difference between sinking and swimming. Learning isn't a race to see who finishes first. My goal, which should be your goal as well, is for both of you to succeed."

"Two more years, and I'd be a teenager by the time I started at MIT," I continued. "I'd have hit a growth spurt and, given my dad's and brother's height, I'd probably be close to 6 feet tall. My voice would have changed by then, and while I wouldn't have shaved yet, I'd at least have broader shoulders and a more chiseled chin. I might still be around kids six or seven years older than me, but at least my professors would take me more seriously."

"This is especially true at MIT, Kyle," Mr. Reynolds interjected. "Because MIT is MIT, they can rely on their teaching assistants more than almost anyone else. I've heard stories of students who didn't even recognize their professors when they passed them in the hallway. Just by virtue of your height and deeper voice, you're in a much better position to be taken seriously by the teaching assistants, who are still children themselves."

"I think my friend will also handle college life much better at fifteen than at thirteen," I continued, as Mr. Reynolds nodded. "Plus, he'd have two more years with my family to build a sense of security. He'd be able to cope much better."

"My first question, Mr. Reynolds, is: Do we have to graduate this year? I know we'll both have enough credits, but do we have to graduate from Stuyvesant once we meet the prerequisites?"

Smiling, Mr. Reynolds replied, "That's a good question, Kyle, and the answer is no. We are legally obligated to provide you with an education until you turn 16, whether you graduate early or not. Admittedly, our course offerings are limited, but thanks to our university partnerships, you can take the full spectrum of college courses with dual credit at a significant discount and without the hassle of applying. Of course, you would still have the same problems being taken seriously, so this isn't a panacea."

"Maybe you should also consider the High School for Mathematics, Natural Sciences, and Engineering," he suggested. "It's a much smaller, more individualized school with only 100 students per year instead of 700 like here." Holy crap! Why hadn't I thought of that before?

One of New York City's best specialized schools was located on the main campus of City College in Harlem. Freck and I had chosen Stuyvesant because it had the best ratings and we both wanted a broader education than one focused on STEM subjects. My first choice had actually been Bronx Science, but I was happy with Stuyvesant to be at Freck. Now, maybe we could transfer to HSMSE for an extra year of high school before going to MIT, or maybe we could take advantage of the HSMSE curriculum without changing schools. Actually, most of our classes would be at City University anyway, but at City College, Freck could take all of his freshman engineering classes, and I mean my physics and science classes, in an environment where they were used to being around other high school students.

"You could also consider a gap year," Mr. Reynolds continued. "Many students these days take a gap year between high school and college to gain practical experience."

“Yes, but it’s not like Freck and I can join the Peace Core or travel the world for a year,” I emphasized.

"No, but there are many gap year programs here in New York," Mr. Reynolds replied. "I heard you're planning on spending the summer at AMNH anyway," he added, much to my surprise. "Like college admissions, the academic advising office is often the first point of contact for such programs, so of course I knew about them. There are many such gap year programs, and while most are only open to adults or at least sixteen-year-olds, there are exceptions. The New York Times, for example, offers a gap semester program that is an excellent option, and they are flexible when it comes to accepting exceptional children. Or perhaps you would like to spend a year at AMNH after graduating from fifth grade of high school. Whatever the case, I know we can arrange something.

"But you absolutely have to discuss this with Freck and your fathers. The last thing you want is for Freck to think you're postponing your studies just for his sake. You have to convince him that this is your idea and not something you've taken from me. If he thinks that, not even I can reach him."

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At dinner that evening, I had the opportunity to broach the subject of postponing college. Ken, my father's husband, had just told me about his niece, a freshman at Princeton University, an elite university. According to her, her assistant, who taught her English class, had asked her out, and she was afraid that saying no might hurt her grade. "Of course, I reminded her that she would also be in a very difficult position if she went out with him," Ken said. "I told her that it was her assistant's responsibility to avoid a relationship with a student—that even asking for a date could be considered sexual harassment. So she suggested that next time he was there, he read the section in the student handbook on sexual harassment."

Laughing, Roger said, "At least none of us have to worry about a vet hitting on us."

"You're not so sure," Dad replied. "You should read Michael Crichton's book 'Disclosure,' or at least watch the movie."

“Is this about a male student and a female teacher?” asked Roger.

“A male engineer and his female boss,” Dad replied.

“And there’s always the possibility that a gay male TA will harass a male student,” Freck pointed out.

"A TA could get into serious trouble if they do something with an underage student," Ken replied. "In Massachusetts, the age of consent is 16, and any sexual contact with someone under that age is considered rape, even if it's consensual."

I saw my opportunity and interjected, "I'm just afraid of not being taken seriously. Being asked out would be a significant improvement over being ignored, which I fear."

“What do you think, Kyle?” Dad asked.

"Look at me," I replied. "I'm barely 5 feet tall and I sound like a little kid. My growth spurt and my voice won't change for another year. Even though the professors and teaching assistants know I wouldn't be in their class if I didn't belong there, they'll still treat me like a little kid. They won't take me seriously."

"That never bothered you," Dad replied. "You always shrugged it off, and your attitude quickly disproved any assumptions based on your age."

"But that's just casual conversation," I countered. "It would be different in the classroom. Why should I pay to study at MIT if I get less attention than a middle school kid?"

“But it was always your dream to go to MIT,” Dad replied.

"And I'll still go to MIT, but maybe going there right after high school isn't such a good idea," I explained. "Or maybe it would be better to start my studies at one of the local colleges and then transfer to MIT in a year or two. Or maybe I should take another year of dual-credit courses, postpone graduating for a year, and then take a year off so I'll at least be a teenager when I start..."

"It's about me, isn't it?" Freck interrupted. I had tried to focus on my own concerns, but I should have known that my friend would see through my strategy immediately.

I sighed and replied, "Freck, I admit I was worried about you at first, but then I thought about what it would mean for me to go to college at eleven, especially to a big school like MIT, and I imagined what that might be like, and I didn't like what I saw. I already feel like an oddity at Stuyvesant, but with so many little Asian kids studying there, I don't stand out as much. Plus, I have friends there and come home every night to a house with loving parents. At MIT, on the other hand, I would look like a dwarf compared to all the eighteen-year-olds. I'd probably be the only kid there. Yes, we'd have each other, but would that be enough?"

"No, it wouldn't," Freck agreed. "I've talked to my therapist and my academic advisor, trying to figure out a way to delay my visit to MIT without discouraging you. That's been the hardest part—knowing that MIT has been your lifelong dream and not wanting to discourage you. But if I get to MIT next year, it would be so easy to relapse into weed under pressure, and once I do that, I might as well jump off the GW bridge right now, and I couldn't do that to you. Never again."

"I was thinking about going to Columbia," he continued, "because then we could live at home, but we'd have the same problems mingling with the other students. And while Columbia is still one of the best universities for architecture, they don't offer a dual degree in civil engineering and environmental science like MIT. It's not the best university for you either, Kyle. Columbia isn't known for particle physics, and they don't even have an astrophysics program. MIT is by far the best choice, with Harvard a close second.

Interestingly, we don't have to graduate this year. So, as you mentioned, we could stay at Stuyvesant for another year or two and take dual-credit courses equivalent to those at MIT. Stuyvesant has relationships with all City University of New York campuses, not just the community college but also Brooklyn Tech. However, I think the best option would probably be City College of Harlem, since they already have a joint program with HSMSE. We wouldn't be an exception.

"I've been working with Mr. Reynolds, our advisor at Stuyvesant, and I have some ideas about what we could do if we stay here next year. I've even come up with courses we could both take at City College that would transfer directly to MIT. A year at City College would give us both enough credits to start at MIT as juniors, but I suggest we take two years off before going to MIT. You'd be thirteen and a full-fledged teenager, probably just under six feet tall with a deep voice like Roger. I'd be fifteen and would be able to fit in much better and resist the temptation to do drugs. We could take courses for three semesters and participate in extracurricular activities with our friends at Stuyvesant. I could even join the swim team if I wanted. Maybe we could sign up for a gap year program for the last semester, like the one we're doing this summer."

“Would it be an option to start at MIT mid-year, in two years?” Ken asked.

"I've thought about it," Freck replied, "but the semesters don't coincide with Stuyvesant's. The spring semester at MIT starts right after winter break, in early January, while the fall semester at New York universities doesn't end until the end of January. Besides, I think the extra time would be good for me. We're not in a hurry, unless you just want to get rid of us," Freck added, smiling at Ken. "I just didn't bring it up because I didn't want to hold Kyle up."

a timetable. "Don't worry about me, idiot," I replied. "I think I need the extra time just as much as you do. But you've made it your mission to create one for me for next year at City College?"

Instead of saying anything, Freck opened his phone and handed it to me. It showed a spreadsheet of my courses for the next three semesters, starting in the fall. I was impressed because he had listed courses that were practically identical to the ones I was planning to take at MIT, plus some foreign language and humanities courses that definitely interested me. I handed him the phone back and replied, "That looks really good, Freck. You've obviously put a lot of thought into this, and I like the suggestions you're suggesting."

“So you’re okay with us living at your fathers’ expense for another year?” asked Freck.

"Kyle would be the only one to take care of the children," Dad explained, "since your parents are supporting you under the guardianship agreement. But we would love for you to live with us for a few more years. Freck, we consider you another son."

“If you wait a few more years to go to college, you’ll have more time to save up for my college expenses, so you might even get a better deal,” I suggested to my dad.

"Since tuition is rising much faster than inflation, I don't know how much this will help us, Kyle," Dad replied. "But Ken and I will miss you terribly when you leave. I really think postponing it is the right decision."

Continue reading..

Information Taming the ’Phobes
Posted by: WMASG - 12-26-2025, 11:30 AM - No Replies

I'd become rather pissed off about two things. I'd joined the Army at eighteen and done nearly twelve years and, although I'd done pretty well I was unsure of my future. I couldn't make up my mind if I wanted to extend my signing and secondly, my boyfriend, now thinking about leaving the Army too, wanted me out. He wanted me out in more ways than one but I said I would try one of these to start with—just out of the Army.

Then there were the third and fourth pissing-off occurrences. I'd been told, because of Treasury cutbacks, that the probability of any further advancement was minimal—there were new faces in charge too, then Roddy, the boyfriend, had the offer of a lifetime to take himself off for several years to Canada and the States in the aftermath of September 11th if he left the Army, but wasn't sure if I could be included. Some job—as I put it—what did he know about conning rich suckers to put their money into holes in the ground? Really though, he said he could make an awful lot of money himself in his ostensible job as an investment broker in his brother Walter's bank and promised to keep me in the life to which I was beginning to be accustomed. And with my brains and his connections, who knows? However, things were taking a turn for the better as I found in the letter I received today. But, first things first.

Roddy was about four years older than me and had been a Second-Lieutenant when I was a wee sprog Private of eighteen. Now he was set to leave to join big brother's firm of stockbrokers and general wheeler-dealers to the rich and famous—and not-so-famous but still rich—all over the globe, almost twelve years and many nights of secret passion later. Roddy was the perfect product of a Scottish public-school education and development. Perfect manners, perfect body, five feet ten, dark hair, blue eyes and a nice six-inch uncircumcised cock.

Me, I'm Edward Boon, Ted to my friends and enemies alike, and six foot two of muscle, bone and a few brains. My story was I joined the Army through boredom having managed to get three reasonable A levels and no wish to spend three years at fucking university. Not that the fucking would have been rebuffed. I had had a very willing partner in my sexual activities from the age of thirteen and a half—my next-door neighbour—same age—same proclivities and a nice arse to boot—or to fuck. Which I did on a regular basis. Jake—short for Jacob—Manners had in fact taught me to wank—a skill he had learned after a stay with a slightly older relative and a skill he passed on to our joint delight.

We discovered the other delights from hours of experimentation in the shed at the bottom of his garden. In fact, I celebrated my fourteenth birthday not only at the bottom of his garden but for the first time up his bottom. From that day on we alternated, tit for tat, suck or fuck, wank or whatever, best of pals and never dropped a grade in school—ten top-grade O levels each, followed by two more years of extensive fucking and sucking ending up with three A grades at A level.

Jake, industrious as ever, went off to uni, Oxford in fact, and got a First in Medieval History. I went down the Recruiting Office and got a first in square-bashing, rifle-toting, boot-bulling and latrine-cleaning. The last through making unwise remarks about a rather choleric Sergeant who didn't take kindly to the overheard nickname he had of Bungalow—a play on his name and an undoubted fact, as he had nothing up top. Thick as the proverbial brick shithouse and overflowing with the ordure of non-human unkindness to new recruits. I was marked. Having 'education' was not looked on with any favour by those who had fucked-up in some way and had to join the Army. Here was I—brains—and the bewilderment on Bungalow's part turned to suspicion and then downright hatred. The pity of it was this rebounded on the rest of our squad.

We were a collection of life's misfits. Some wanted to join the Army. An experience of the camaraderie of Army Cadet life at school probably sparked their desire. Some were given the option by friendly magistrates, probation officers or the neighbourhood bobby—join up before you get something worse. A few were seduced by the telly ads—a life for you! More had had a life of broken homes, foster homes and failed adoptions, and needed some sort of stability. Some, like me, had an innate fear of drifting but didn't want responsibility. Actually, my old man had had fifteen years as a Regular and was always praising it up. I half believed him, though Pam, my elder sister, said I was a fool but she loved me dearly. Mum wept a bit and Dad wasn't too sure even up to the day I kissed them all goodbye and caught the train to the barracks even though he'd told me, this, or else!

Until my encounter with Sergeant Bungalow Bigelow life wasn't too bad. The twenty of us soon learned one for all and all for one. If that was good for the Three Musketeers it was essential for the twenty of us to survive happily.

I, of course, was missing Jake terribly. Barrack room life did not include the sexual release I was more than accustomed to. The first fortnight was the worst. Every night after lights out there were farts, groans, grunts and snores. No sound of bed springs gently vibrating, no murmurs of ecstasy as a hand-held weapon fired its arrows, I mean, bullets of desire. In fact, desire was pretty low on the list of priorities.

We were harried from dawn to dusk, here, there, everywhere, marching, trotting at the double, rifle drill, physical jerks, cross country, cleaning and bulling equipment, bedspace tidying and barrack room buffing and then there were the bloody injections. I think the general idea was to keep us so occupied and tired out from, query, healthy activity that once allowed the luxury of bed there was no yen for that supreme activity of horny eighteen-year-olds. I know my horn lay dormant through sheer fatigue, if not through the bromide my school pals had jokingly told me they put in the tea for new recruits when they learned of my destination in life.

Nonetheless I managed two solitary wanks in the said latrines in fourteen days just to make sure I hadn't lost the art without constant practice. The first was behind a closed door making out I was having a lengthy crap at the time. Just a release of pent-up juices listening out for entrances and exits, knowing that if someone suspected there was hands-on activity, then no end of it would be heard in the barrack room, with the high probability of the handle of 'Wanker' being attached to one's given name.

The second was on the second Sunday. I had woken up some time before six o'clock, then remembered as it was Sunday we were being allowed to rest in our beds until seven. I was wide awake and needed a piss. Christ Almighty, as I lay there I sensed a stiffening in my now normally flaccid organ. I crept out of bed, clad only in regulation khaki boxers, shuffled into the flip-flops under the bed and made my way as silently as possible to the latrines in the adjacent corridor. No one was about at that hour, just the dim light from the regulation night bulbs guided me as I went into one of the cubicles rather than standing at the urinal as I knew I needed to experiment. While emptying my bladder I peered at some of the myriad graffiti adorning the bog walls. From 'Please do not stand upon the seat, the crabs in here can jump ten feet', through somewhat exaggerated drawings of all sorts of incredible cocks and tits and other portions of male and female anatomy to a large, well-inked in, 'My mother made me a homosexual' —with the response under it—'If I send her the wool would she make me one?'

Those two were new on me and I grinned to myself as I shook the last drops away and stood, my boxers round my ankles, gently caressing my now hardening and lengthening rod. I was just getting into the swing of things, or the stroking of things, when I heard the main door swing open and shut. Someone entered the cubicle next to mine and after the initial standing piss the unmistakable sounds of a heartfelt wank were evident. Whoever it was wasn't a jot concerned that they were next to an occupied stall, and, whoever it was was fully aware that the silent occupant next door was there for the same purpose but he, that is, I, was too shit-scared to continue. My hardon remained, gripped viciously, but my hand refused to move. Next door the unhurried slap-slap of flesh round flesh went on until that instinctive speeding-up began and there were evident moans and grunts as whoever it was reached a more than satisfactory climax. That wasn't all. In tandem with the intakes of breath and puffings out a low voice murmured, Thank God, I thought the bugger had died on me! A shuffling told me that undies were being raised, then the door was opened and footsteps retreated through the swinging main door again.

I breathed a sigh of relief and, with eyes fixed on the drawing of a mighty dick which I visioned was attached to my friend Jake, I set up a mighty rate of knots and my spunk soon joined the accumulated dried-up evidences behind the toilet bowl. Thank God, mine hadn't died on me either!

I went, peered into the now vacated stall next door, saw in the dimness the copious evidence of a much-needed release, proceeded much more silently through the door than he had and almost tiptoed into the barrack room. All were asleep, snores and slight movements were the only evidence of living bodies under the covers. I slid back into bed in the first corner of the room. I turned and saw the bright eyes of Taffy Williams peeping out from the covers in the bed next to mine. One eye closed in a huge conspiratorial wink. A wank and a wink.

Taffy said nothing. We had exchanged names, addresses, likes and dislikes over the previous fourteen days. Like me he had left school in Wales but with little prospect of a job. He had gone to Sixth Form College and had a couple of A levels, not enough for uni, and had been told by his father to join the Army, or else, just like me. He was a knowledgeable lad nonetheless and the pair of us had been given the honorary ranks of Unpaid Squad Lance-Corporals after ten days purely on the strength of being a bit brighter and taller than the others. This meant we had the unenviable tasks of seeing that all the real NCO's orders about cleanliness, tidiness and general bullshit were carried out. As we were all in it together this wasn't too bad but we could get the flak from either side of the fence, us and them. Them, in more ways than one, was Sergeant Bungalow Bigelow. But his story comes later.

Of course, I'd been a bit apprehensive knowing that Taffy knew about my solitary activity, but then I knew about his. And being called 'Wanker' was the biggest put down of any in my experience. At school, everyone knew that any hint that one's hands didn't remain outside the bedcovers at night would invoke the call. I knew, and we all knew, one's hands were not made to remain outside the covers at night. Even with universal central heating these days it was too cold and we all knew it was much cosier to have a hand wrapped round one's trusty hot-blooded pole. It was even better to have someone else's hand round it and from careful listening and discerning of friendships and black rings under eyes I and Jake knew that our contemporaries were just as involved in single, dual, or even multiple effusions of our teenage liquor every day, either in solitary splendour, or with help from congenial company.

In fact, both Jake and I had had, respectively, two and three experiences of this sort quite independently with age mates, not counting the learning experience he'd had with his cousin. As I knew all three of my squirters, by almost eager confession, had tossed off and been tossed off by others, and Jake told the same tale when we compared notes, this meant the total accounted for at least half of my age group at school. And these were the ones we knew about! In fact, we agreed, the two biggest shouters of the soubriquet were the pair who had most to fear as they were, undoubtably, the most avid offenders in the realms of self-abuse and the 'I'll do it to you if you do it to me' trade. Their other fault was the ready way they labelled other kids as 'poofters', 'arse-bandits' or 'nancies'.

Luckily they never suspected Jake and me of being in that category. Both of us were early developers and big with it. I had reached six feet by sixteen and had what my sister Pam called, to my youthful embarrassment, œrugby-players' legs designed to get any girl's vaginal juices flowing. She didn't mention the vaginal juices but I gleaned gobbets of mis-information of that sort from her copies of Cosmopolitan and other such-like academic literature. Jake was the same size as me all over, even rising to the six and a half inches I fully attained at seventeen and he in the last few months of school. He was thicker than me—I did get a better grade than him in Maths at GCSE level and he admitted that—but he said he made up for that positively in the slight excess in circumference of his shaft over mine. I said what a good friend I was to him to be able to accommodate any excesses of his.

However, the two loudmouths, Troy Pearson and Terry Mole, overstepped the mark in Jake and my opinions. In the first term we were all in the First Year Sixth their phobia attached itself to a harmless lad in the group, Harry Christopherson. Admittedly, Harry was smaller than average for a seventeen-year-old, he wasn't sporty, he wore glasses—so did Jake for reading—he still had a rather unfocussed voice, his biggest interests were English Literature and being editor of the school magazine, but, in his favour and the annoyance of many less-endowed schoolfellows, he did have a lanky cock attached to his rather puny frame.

This all started with a few uncalled-for references to Harry dealing with younger members of the school who had to come to see him in the Sixth Form room to hand in their contributions to the magazine. If they were boys, either Troy or Terry would make some reference such as 'nice arse on that kid' as they went off with Harry looking rather non-plussed and, also, rather embarrassed. Unfortunately, Troy, whose apparent loathing of the Greek practices his name fitted him for and the possessor of a less than normal-sized seventeen-year-old rod, later discovered a poem poor Harry had written which Troy discerned, quite rightly as it transpired, was in admiration of the bodily attributes of a fair-haired Year Ten lad. Troy, for some reason, had told Jake about his discovery. Jake had nodded sagely and wisely said Troy should keep his mouth shut because he couldn't be sure. As Jake was four inches taller than Troy, was obviously brighter, and had a slight air of authority gained from a couple of years as a Patrol Leader in a local Scout Troop, Troy held his peace.

This lad adulated in the poem, Andrew Forbes, was in the throes of the adolescent growth spurt but it hadn't yet ravaged his looks with that scourge of the teenage years, acne. In fact, his blond hair, limpid blue eyes, clear complexion and full red lips were what one would die for, in the parlance of the racy tales I found much later on certain sites on the Internet. Both Jake and I had fantasized about what we could do with young Andrew, with or without his permission, in or out of bed. He was that innocent abroad, the Billy Budd of Mortfield Comprehensive. He was constantly in trouble with us Prefects—not through naughtiness or rudeness or plain downright adolescent contrariness. Rather it was the blissful unawareness of his surroundings, the ignorance of Rules with a capital R, etc. etc. All those petty annoyances which these youngsters have in drawing attention to themselves for those in Higher Authority. Andrew found himself in detention quite often and I must admit on the two occasions I had to sit and watch over the assembled miscreants—just Andrew and another Year Ten kid who had both fallen foul of Mrs Pendleby-Smyth the Geographic ogress on each occasion—I spent the half hour, which sped by like five minutes, ogling those perfect features and wondering what lay beneath that smartly ironed grey school shirt and well-pressed grey trousers.

By the way, I did get a chance a couple of weeks later of ogling the whole of Andrew as I was commanded by Badger Bollocks (not his real name by any stretch of the imagination and a nickname not repeated anywhere near his formidable presence) our senior games master, to oversee a Year Ten game which also entailed checking that the young darlings showered properly after the match. As most were at that shy-making stage of puberty, where hair in the right places and the length of developing juvenile penises were of prime concern, a certain amount of energetic cajoling of their nude bodies was called for. I and Gutsy Pringle, my co-director of the athletic activities of the afternoon, had not only to verbally drive their muddy selves into the steamy room but use the knotted end of handy towels to sting a few recalcitrant backsides. One lad had the audacity to say 'Fuck off' to Gutsy, our First Fifteen's corpulent tight-head prop forward, when told to shift himself and was rewarded with three red welts across a very pert butt.

Of course, young Andrew was last to strip off. This was done, under my watchful eye, with an unstudied nonchalance. Boots were unknotted slowly, football socks removed at a leisurely pace. A very muddy rugby shirt was hoisted heavenwards exposing a perfect chest and two delectable rose-pink nipples. A touch of blond fuzz was discernible under each armpit. Then came the slow descent of extremely muddy shorts.

Andrew was in this mired state as he always seemed to be in the line of someone's exit from a scrum with a ball and was almost always cast aside like some unwanted possession, then to be trampled underfoot by the pursuing masses. He always picked himself up, shook himself in a puppyish manner and followed a few yards behind only to be in the line of fire as the battlelines changed direction again. He never complained, just went doggedly on.

Anyway, his shorts were off and placed on the bench behind him. A fully-formed bubble butt was now in my line of sight. I moved forward a pace or two as his fingers were inserted into the waistband of the tight blue briefs covering those delectable globes. As he raised himself, after divesting himself of those skimpy garments and turned, so part of me raised itself of its own accord in sympathy. Luckily I had the towel which I, cooly and deliberately, held in front of my bulging shorts. He was a perfect picture. I suppose Michelangelo's David at fifteen rather than seventeen would have looked like him. A soft haze of blondness surmounted a perfectly formed young cock sheathed in a pale pink foreskin. Two small but slightly hanging plover's eggs swung below as he turned to face me. There was no embarrassment. I would dream and daydream about that sight for years to come. In fact, I came to many daydreams of young Andrew. I spoke, not quite knowing what to say. I knew what I wanted to say but that wasn't possible.

Come on Andrew! I said, with as much authority as I could muster in my best Sixth Form, Prefectural, First XV voice, but almost quavering with lust. They'll have used all the hot water if you don't get in there quick.

He smiled and my prick, with no exaggeration, felt if it had lengthened in one split second by another half an inch. I was going to have to work out a certain degree of frustration on poor Jake after we got home. No, on second thoughts, whatever I worked out on Jake was going to be fully reciprocated to my greater pleasure.

Sorry, I wasn't thinking... he paused, giving me more time to take in the young god before me. I wanted that form imprinted on my brain and I stared quite openly from blue eyes down and back again. Actually, I was thinking...? he continued, gazing at me with a questioning look on his face. What question? My prick did a twitch and I flapped the towel to set up a cooling breeze. ...You can help me,... He smiled and my hard heart melted. No, I hadn't got a hard heart, but I felt something go 'zing' and it wasn't the elastic on my rugger shorts though the front of those was stretched out somewhat. ....I was just working out the number of distinct arrangements of the letters of my name compared with my friend Jeremy. I make it seven hundred and twenty for mine, and three hundred and sixty for his. I think that's right?

Yes, it is,  came a voice from behind me. It was Gutsy—real name Jeff—and a whizz at Maths in the Second Year Sixth. œIt would be the same for friend Edward here, he continued, with Andrew's big blue eyes now fixed on him, œBut for me, Jeffrey, J-e-f-f-r-e-y, it would be...? A hesitation, then a big smile from Andrew. œMore difficult, seven and two, so that must be twelve hundred and sixty! A nudge in the back for me from Gutsy, then, That's right. Now come on and get in that shower.

I was no great whizz at Maths, certainly not at Gutsy's level, but I was doing it for A level, and I had cottoned on to Andrew's problem and had also realised he was no blond airhead. Andrew gave us both another gorgeous smile and proceeded into the showers to be greeted by friendly shouts from his class-mates. He was obviously popular and when I heard about the poem I was determined not to let Andrew suffer in any way.

Gutsy poked me in the back again.

You can put that towel down now, Teddy boy, the object of your desire has departed and you can adjust yourself. And he is a very bright lad. I know, I'm coaching him for A level Maths already. Gives me some practice, too.

The grin on his face said it all. Gutsy was one of only two people, other than Jake, who knew what I preferred. I had been sitting by myself in the Sixth-Form common room a few days after the beginning of the term when Gutsy came in and sat beside me.

Hi, young Ted, he began, You having any difficulty with anything?

There was something about Gutsy that I knew I could confide in him. I told him all. In five minutes he knew I was gay, I was really only interested in one person, Jake, and that Jake and I were lovers but certainly not committed to each other. He smiled his lop-sided smile and said if ever I needed to talk he would be there. In all, Gutsy turned out to be a real friend. He's now the beloved curate of a difficult London parish and I go to see him, his wife and two-year old son whenever I can. In fact, Edward Boon is a proud godfather of young William Arthur Pringle.

Today I just grinned back at him, waved the towel away and followed him to the Upper School changing room and showers where, mercifully, rampant dick now drooping, I was able to shower and dress unhurriedly.

As I sat tying the laces on my sensible school shoes Gutsy spoke.

I can quite see the attraction young Andrew has. He's got to be careful... and so have you.

True words because it wasn't long after that when Troy found the poem and was ready to denounce poor Harry and drag Andrew into another sort of mire.

I'd better say that the other person who I had confided in was my sister Pam. That was at New Year, just a week or so before I had my talk with Gutsy. Pam had been a real sister, a friend and confidant for years. She was four years older than me and was at that time in her final year at uni reading Psychology. No, I didn't recline on a couch for her to give me a session of unburdening my unconscious. I knew all about the id, having perused, out of curiosity, one of her textbooks. My id, I knew, was rampaging overtime and had been since my balls dropped, with my subsequent discovery of the joys of masturbation and all else, and my superego was having a heavy job clamping down on its wanton expression in a non-heterosexual way. Pam, in her sisterly way, knew there were seethings. She was quite forthright. She asked her seventeen-year-old brother outright if he and his constant companion, Jacob Manners, were lovers. Brother blushed, nodded and Pam rushed and hugged him tight. Told him she'd guessed years before and said I'd better not say anything to Mum and Dad yet. So it was while thinking over implications of saying or doing something which would alert my doting parents that Gutsy had caught me in a contemplative mood that day.

But, back to Troy and Terry. They, however, engineered their own downfall, or at least one of them did. They had labelled almost all the Year Tens and Elevens as wankers—which they undoubtably were—the Year Tens fourteen or fifteen and the others rising sixteen or over, and rising sixteen centimetres or over as well no doubt—and had hinted of their knowledge that at least half of them were poofters. Their own trouble was they were turning into a couple of real slobs. Both were getting overweight; junk food, lager and cigarettes seemed to be the mainstays of their diet. They also had difficulty in getting hold of tottie, as they rather disparagingly referred to the girls at our school.

Girls, of course came with the school as we were a large mixed Comprehensive and most of the boys of my age and acquaintance had gone through, in the metaphorical sense I was certain, at least two or three before settling to one or none. Jake and I had made the effort and a few foursomes to the local multiplex and a few fumbles on the backrow had convinced both of us there was nothing in the pursuit for us. Having made the effort, and having been seen to make the effort, we were above suspicion.

Troy and Terry tried, but in the end their overtures were more often than not spurned. Their zits and acned visages, plus their increasing weights, choice of haircuts and out-of-school designer wear, were not the come-on for the rather more desirable females who abounded from Year Eight onwards—girls mature earlier so I was led to believe. The pair seemed to be mainly in the sad company of Rosina Pickles who was known, without affection, as the school bike. As neither Jake nor I had ridden that particular ill-favoured specimen of the female species, nor wanted to, we couldn't comment However, the whispered comments of contemporaries who had, for them, certain knowledge of how many times a friend or acquaintance had inserted his shaft into the rumoured well-used orifice was, for them, phroooah, a wish to be desired.

Whether Troy or Terry, or both, were privy to the possessions shielded by Rosina's undies one couldn't ascertain except from the strutting manner of the young studs and their veiled allusions to the performance rates of which they boasted of being capable.

Bloody wankers themselves, was Jake's sotto voce comment to me one Friday morning at break in the common Room after Troy had denounced three of the Year Ten lads he'd found skulking in the bogs as persistent onanists rather than being smokers, which they were as well, and then called over to Terry not to forget to stock up with enough Frenchies for the weekend because he was ready for anything with you know who. If Rosy had any sense she'd be on the Pill,” Jake continued, But I bet anything to prevent their vile bodies touching her sensitive parts is better than nowt!

The crunch for the pair came when Georgie Carter, a six foot three streak of skin and bone and a superb photographer, was ambling around looking for shots for his ever growing portfolio ready for his entry to Art School. He was doing some angle shots of dingy corners in the school when he saw Troy going into the bogs at the end of a corridor, first looking around in a furtive way but not spotting Georgie who was bending down beside a cupboard sighting up some bit of useless educational architecture. Georgie did the only thing possible. He scooted along the corridor and as silently as possible pushed the door open, Troy wasn't in sight so he crept in stealthily thinking he might snatch a photo of Troy crapping as one of the cubicle doors was shut. He went into the next one and, being so tall, was able to hold his camera over the top of the partition in the gap between its top and the ceiling and clicked. A muffled shout came from Troy but Georgie was gone before he could be pursued. The resultant ten by eight photo was eagerly perused the next day by the assembled males of the Sixth Form while Troy, oblivious of this, was marshalling the hordes of wankers into their form rooms ready for first period.

The photo showed a startled Troy's upturned face, with a downwards shot of opened flies and an erect penis held delicately between two fingers and thumb. As Jason Griggs remarked, you can't piss with a hardon and why go in a cubicle for that purpose —WANKER!. Neither Troy, nor Terry, through association with him, ever mentioned the word again, nor did the poem get an airing. Jake suggested to Troy that if given to him he would return it. It was, after we had both read it and commented to each other that Shakespeare's Dark Ladyboy would have been flattered by the compliments therein. So, one set of 'phobes had been tamed.

I suppose I was contemplating young Andrew one afternoon during my fourth week of basic training. We had, inexplicitly been given the rest of the Wednesday afternoon off through some mix-up over time-tabling of how to bayonet a stuffed sandbag, or how to remember to throw the grenade after the pin was withdrawn, or some mind bending similar activity. Still I was reasonably happy. Three square meals a day, money you couldn't spend in your pocket, muscles developing through all the exercise and the sure knowledge that, although I was constantly dead-tired, my spunk squirting apparatus was still in working order if sadly under-used. My musings were interrupted by Taffy who, holding a cigarette in time-honoured squaddies manner, cupped in the palm of his hand, asked if I wanted a walk.

Sensing something was afoot I agreed and we sauntered off in the general direction of some unused barrack huts left over from the general National Service of some thirty years previously. After he'd puffed through the cigarette he asked if I knew anything about Ferdy Pacchelli. I said I didn't except from the facts I'd gleaned from our personal tales we all told in the barrack room in the hour or so before lights out.

I knew Ferdinando was a fourth generation Italian immigrant. His great-grandfather, after whom he was named, had come to England with a circus, as Flying Ferdinand on the Flying Trapeze, in the thirties and had stayed. His father had a share in the usual Italian restaurant which was a family run business in a wide extended family. Ferdy had been caught by father nicking some of the takings and had been forcibly taken to the Recruiting Office by two burly uncles who, in the past, had served in the Paras. Ferdy was short, dark, black-haired and at nearly nineteen had a mat of black hair on his chest. None of us English, Welsh or Scottish lads of the same age had more than a hint of pectoral hirsuteness. He was the envy of all for that attribute. We all looked at him in the showers, his pubic bush was immense and his legs were so hairy it looked as if he was wearing black long-johns. However, although his balls were pendulous and well-sized his dick, circumcised and dark hued, was of a really moderate size, curving out no more than about three inches from the curls above and around it.

Got something to tell you, Taffy said after I had made the usual admiring comments about Ferdy's hairiness and he had lit a second ciggie. He took a draw. Blew out a thin stream of smoke very carefully. He wanks in bed, not like us. My secret was out. But then, he'd confessed as well.

I shrugged my shoulders. All boys wanked in bed, but not in Army barracks though. With studied nonchalance I asked, How do you know?

Yorkie told me, 'cause he's in the bed opposite me and Ferdy's next to him.

An Army trait is to label everyone anyway with a nickname. Not just the usual Dusty for the Millers or Dinger for the Bells, but also where you came from, Taffy for the Welsh as he was, but George Parrish came from Yorkshire so Yorkie he was. Yorkie was also another bright spark, he'd come under suspicion of driving someone else's car without their permission in the village where he lived. The local bobby had a chat with him and suggested he could learn a trade as well as occupying himself usefully in the service of his country. Yorkie said the copper was fingering his hand-cuffs at the time and the message was clear. He was down for transfer to the Army Logistics Corps—drivers etc., as soon as he'd finished basic training and he was looking forward to that. Also, Yorkie was the only one in the barrack room who had volunteered the information that he hadn't even had an erection, or 'time to have a fucking hardon' as he put it, since he'd joined up. This was one evening when there were general moans about the unaccustomed pressures we were experiencing.

Anyway, as we wended our way round the deserted huts Taffy said there was a plan. The lad the other side of Ferdy had also noted the night-time activity and they had decided to provide a bit of night-time entertainment. He wouldn't say what and I didn't pursue it because, quite naturally, we found an unlocked door and entered the dank-smelling room which had housed a host of conscripts those many years before. We surveyed the dusty emptiness.

What about one now? he asked, flicking the spent butt of his ciggie into the wastelands of a corner of the room. No one around and I need one bad.

Without waiting for my consent or agreement he dropped his combat trousers and skivvies he was wearing under them. His cock was already at half mast before I had copied his disrobing. I stood at an angle by his side and stared downwards. Our short singlets only came to our hips so we both had a good view of each other's rapidly rising shafts. We matched about evenly in size and when both our rods were fully erect we, in military fashion, copied each other's movements exactly. On the first downstroke our foreskins were retracted and two bulbous rapidly darkening knobs were exposed. We then set up a slow steady pace until Taffy let go of his cock.

Let me help you with yours.

He took hold of the last three inches of my rod as my hand was at the bottom of a downstroke. I let go and reached for his prick. We kept in strict rhythm with each other and my balls soon came to the boil. I squirted my usual five or six ribbons of cum moments before he gave a sigh and unleashed a flurry of spunk which spurted up and away from him splattering on the dusty floor some three feet away.

God, I needed that! he gasped and his hand gripped my still hard rod even tighter.

We stood side by side for about a minute savouring that feeling of perfect relief. He turned and grinned at me.

I knew you'd like that. Takes one to know one. He bent down and pulled up trousers and pants in one go. I copied him not saying a word. What did he mean?

God I need a fag, he said, rummaging in his trouser pocket. If I were a cigarette manufacturer I would market a brand called 'Apres' for the moments like this.” He grinned again. My cousin says he always wants one after a good shag whether its with his missus or not.

I was still silent.
Come on, you enjoyed that, eh? Cat got your tongue?

I grinned back.
Yeah..., a bit overwhelmed.
I know what you mean. He went across to where two dusty benches were under the window. We've got five minutes and I'll tell you a bit more why I'm here.

As he plonked himself on one of the benches I angled the other and sat facing him.

Better tell you the whole story. The bit about not getting enough A levels and not finding a job's true but I really had to get away because my Da found out about my boyfriend.”

He looked me straight in the eyes.

“My Da found a letter from him. He'd been arrested in Cardiff for giving a blow-job to a copper...” He paused. “I'd better start from the beginning. I was at school with this friend, he's a year older than me and lived in the next village. I'd got to know him through travelling on the school bus and his Dad and my Dad had been pit deputies at the mines in the two villages before they closed so our families knew each other anyway. And after he'd left school and started on a catering course I used to cycle over to see him and we used to go to the old mine. He'd found a key to the old offices and we used to go there and... Well, just like this and a bit more...”

I grinned. “I had a friend called Jake and....”

“Shut the fuck up, I guessed about you when you had that first letter from home, I saw the way you read it and I knew it wasn't from any girl 'cause of the handwriting, so, but this is my tale, you can tell me yours another day.” He took a slow deep drag on the fag cupped in his hand. “Well, as I said, Estyn and I were very close, very good friends and perhaps a bit more—then, just after last Christmas he was found in bed with the Pastor's son....”

I giggled, the image was irresistible!

“Fuck it, stop that.” I composed my face “It was bloody snowing anyway and the lad's father came home early from his visits and there they were, hammer and tongs in the lad's bed. Estyn's Dad was summoned and Estyn was told to pack his bags and go. I heard about it next day from a lad who'd seen him getting on the bus. He told him he was going to Cardiff.”

He took another careful drag, coughed and looked at the cigarette with some distaste, then continued.

“Estyn wrote to that lad and asked him to pass a couple of letters on to me and he told me all about what had happened—said it was on the spur of the moment and the kid wanted it. He said he was looking for a job and had also applied to do another catering course but he couldn't start immediately. Then I heard nothing until that last letter arrived. He'd written straight to me. Luckily I saw the postie as I was going to catch the bus and he gave it to me.”

He gave a final draw on the fag-end and flicked it right across the room.

“He said he'd been skint so went cruising around, saw a toilet, went in and a young fellow was in there leaning against the wall holding a twenty pound note. He said something like 'OK mate' and got Estyn in a cubicle who gave him the blow job. No sooner had he got him off another bloke appeared and it turned out they were two cops. Estyn was arrested and released to appear the next day. The only good thing was the young cop had tucked the note in his pocket. He thinks the magistrate suspected something fishy so he got off with a caution, but he was dead scared the news might get back to his family. Luckily his name is Jones and there's plenty of those about in Wales.”

He stood up.

“We'd better get back and I'll tell you the rest on the way.”

We looked carefully for signs of life outside, there was none, so we set off back to the barrack room.

“I was a fool. I should have destroyed the letter but stuck it in my big dictionary. My Da found it when he wanted to look up a word for a crossword. He asked if I and Estyn had relations of any sort and when I said yes, that, plus the fact I was in the shit over not trying hard enough to get a job decided the matter and I'm here. I was sent first to stay with an aunt in Llandudno, as far as possible from Cardiff! Out of harm's way there and learning to be a man now here, according to Da!”

I was curious. “And what happened about the Pastor's son.”

He shrugged. “I don't really know. Rumour has it he was prayed over for several hours for unknown sins and then shipped off to some distant relative because he wasn't around when I left for my exile.” He shrugged again. “Poor little bugger, he was shagging Estyn when his father walked in, 'cause I heard more about it when Estyn 'phoned me at Auntie Glad's and he was worried what had happened to the kid. Kid!—poor bastard was seventeen!” He pursed his lips. “Don't forget, in Wales the chapel rules and the Calvinist mind sees sin everywhere...,” He grinned at me, “...Especially when two lads are in bed together, but I do know I miss Estyn.”

I was in a bit of a quandary. Should I confess my relationship with Jake? Taffy had guessed and I'd more or less told him too, but... Worry not, because Taffy wasn't finished. He reverted back to Ferdy.

“Ferdy pisses me off,” he said emphatically, “Him and that Dwayne. Always on about poofters and perves and aren't they glad there aren't any about... Fucking Dwayne, what a name, sounds like something you pour the slops down.”

Dwayne was from Liverpool. Boasted of being a hard man. But shit-scared of most things I would say. Always the last to get in line for anything new. He and Ferdy got on my tits as well but I wasn't too bothered although I'd noticed when they made their bigoted phobic statements they seemed directed mainly at a couple of lads towards the other end of the barrack room.

These two, Pete and Frankie, were quiet, weedy looking, not seeming to be eighteen—they looked more like fifteen or sixteen-year-olds. They were below average height and were products of broken homes, Children's Homes and finally foster homes. They looked as if life had been none too kind to them. I must say though that they mucked in with everything and scoffed the food as if there was no tomorrow and were both beginning to get a bit more flesh and muscle on them even after about three weeks. I'd noticed they were neither very well endowed and they spent a lot of time in each other's company. One had a rather high-pitched giggle and I suppose that gave root to Ferdy and Dwayne's exclamations.

Another pair in the squad were a couple of black guys. Dwayne, especially, avoided them but neither he nor Ferdy could say anything derogatory or they would be in deep shit for racial harassment. Actually Royston and Jason were fun. Royston was a couple of inches shorter than me and we were always comparing heights because he kept telling me he was still a growing boy. He had also spent a lot of time in the gym, so he said, and because of this he had the best definition of all of us. Not too obvious, but his pecs were firm and he had the makings of a nice six-pack. He and Jason also belied one of the great beliefs of white youngsters—that black kids' cocks were at least twice as long. Both had healthy sized drooping lengths which might have been a bit bigger than average but they certainly weren't immense. Both had joined up as they put it 'for their mother's sakes', one was from South London, the other from Luton, which I knew to be two enclaves of numerous ethnic immigrants and not very salubrious areas to live in. Both were very religious and this pissed off Dwayne even more as he was nominally Catholic and had been to a strict Catholic Boys' School. They were Pentecostal and were always singing hymns quietly in, I considered, very melodious voices.

Some of this was evident in an exchange between Dwayne and Ferdy during the first week when we were still getting to know everyone. Dwayne had somehow hitched up as Ferdy's best friend and Ferdy, rather loud-mouthed, had reciprocated. That meant there was a constant dialogue between them though their bed-spaces were not close. Usually the dialogue was on veiled or even overt sexual matters, often Page 3 girls in the Sun as that was the principal reading, or viewing, matter of most of the lads in the room. “Cor, look at the tits on that” was a common exclamation. But there was the underlying homophobic chatter as well.

This day there were just a few of us around. I was bulling my best boots, getting a mirror shine on the caps. Taffy was lining up some pieces of card to put in his sheets for bed inspection. Ferdy and Dwayne were at their usual positions, flat out on their beds perusing the day's issue of either the Sun or Mirror oblivious of the fact that next morning we had a kit inspection. Along the row Royston and Jason were sitting side by side on Jason's bed, also bulling boots. Quite a few of the others had sloped off to the NAAFI for a tea and wad but there were about four others including Frankie and Pete further down the room. A typical evening's gathering and activity!

Dwayne started.

“Hi Ferdy,” he called out, in a slightly louder voice than necessary, “Fucker at my school had the biggest whanger you've ever seen.”

I looked up, gathering a ball of spit in my mouth ready to drip onto the already gleaming toecap, but wanting that extra shine. I saw Dwayne glance down the room a bit at the backs of the two black lads. Trying something on, I thought.

“Oh,” was Ferdy's only response. As the possessor of a seemingly not very large whanger he was unusually hesitant in making some damning statement about someone else's sexuality or attributes.

“Yeah, cunt had a whanger so big he use to get it out and put it on the desk.”

I looked at Taffy who had a wry grin on his face and was sitting just a couple of feet away from me on the edge of his bed. He mouthed “Didn't think cunts had dicks!” I grinned back and Dwayne continued.

“Fucker got caught one day. Old Baldy the priest who took us for religion must have spotted it because he whacked it with the Bible he was carrying.”

“I like that,” Ferdy said, “Whacked his whanger! What did he do?”

“Don't know, I was told it. He was a couple of classes above me. Fucking poofter, got the push from school 'cause he use'ta go down the clubs for the oldies to get him off. Fucking wanker! Like that kid we had from that Home. Use'ta go to the bogs and suck off the hurling team. Fucking poofs should have their balls off!”

“Fucking right!” said Ferdy, in imitation, “Should have their balls off, fucking poofs and wankers!”

I looked down the room—the four lads, including the two who'd been in Homes had fallen silent. I thought then perhaps Ferdy and Dwayne might have to learn a little lesson.

I thought about that exchange again as we walked back, past the Company Offices towards our barrack room.

“Oh, I just put up with them,” I said, “All mouth and trousers as my Dad always says. Plenty to say...” I just wondered. “...Perhaps something to hide?”

Taffy snorted. “Buggers hadn't better start on me.”

I laughed. “Nor me. Anyway, they'd have a field day if they did find out anything.”

Taffy looked at me cannily, “No chance of that, I hope!”

I grinned back. There wasn't as far as I was concerned.

But a chance for getting at Dwayne did occur that same week. One of the duties of the Squad Lance-Corporals was to go to the post-room attached to the Company Office each morning at ten hundred hours to collect the squad's post. Taffy and I took it in turns. It also meant, if the mail wasn't ready we missed a bit of the next training session. Neither Taffy nor I worried about this, especially if it was some lecture on how to pull-through a rifle, or the naming of parts of said rifle, but it was one of Sergeant Bigelow's means of getting at us, and especially me.

On the Thursday it was my turn to collect the mail. I got permission from the squad NCO to go and made my way to the Post Room next to the Company Office. I was a bit later than usual as we'd had PT from O nine hundred hours and the PTI had kept us at it because some lad had riled him and he made us do a whole set of exercises again. This meant we were late for a shower and my feet were still damp when I tried to get my socks on, and so on... Little troubles to cloud the day. Anyway, I was last of the Squad Lance-Corporals to get to the Post Room. It was empty except for a Corporal I hadn't seen before. I said I was from F Squad.

“Good job you're a bit late,” he said, “I'd only just finished sorting when the others came. This is your lot.”

He indicated a bundle of letters and a couple of small parcels. I reached out to pick them up. He put his hand on the bundle.

“746 Private Dwayne Riley,” he read. “Liverpool postmark... Can't be anyone else. I was at school in the same class as his brother Eamonn.”

I noted he also had a Liverpool accent. “He said he went to St Brendan's..”

“Yeah, that's him. Brother was Captain of the hurling team... Big bloke he was.” He grinned. “Yeah, Dwayne was the mascot, use to follow his brother and the team everywhere.”

The Corporal was very chatty so I thought I would try to find out more.

“Dwayne told us there was a lad with the biggest whanger ever....”

He laughed. “That was Whopper Barrett. True. Had it crushed once by a Bible!”

“Yeah,” I said, “He told us about that.”

He laughed. “I was there when it happened. Baldy got him in one.”

“He didn't tell us he was the hurling team mascot. He said there was some lad from a Home who was....” I paused, now or never. “..And did things for them...”

The Corporal guffawed. “Fucking liar, ...it was Dwayne. Why d'you think his brother took him round with the team...? I could tell you a lot. Fucking Dwayne!”

“He said Whopper got expelled 'cause he visited some club or other.” I was improvising a bit trying to remember the content of the exchange.

“Bollocks! True, the bastard use'ta to wave his whang around but I can tell you Dwayne's been on his knees receiving communion many times... Whopper got the push 'cause he'd confessed a few unusual sins to some fake Yank priest who told the Reverend Father when they found he was a fake.” He paused. “Shouldn't be telling you all this but I never liked Wayne's brother or the little fucker himself.. Both loud-mouthed shits. But, Whopper was a great lad—big cock, big heart!”

I thought I'd up the ante. “Should I tell Dwayne I've met you?”

He laughed. “Do what you like, but wait until Monday—I'm temporary, waiting posting and I go then.”

He gave me a cheery wave as I went out with a store of useful knowledge. How to use it was the next little question.

I giggled internally as I handed Dwayne, cocksucker in extraordinary, his letter. I made a point of getting Taffy to one side after we had been round the cookhouse for lunch. Luckily he was sitting by himself on the grass outside the barrack room smoking his usual post-prandial fag.

“Having an Apres?” I asked, plonking myself down beside me. Rudely, he blew a jetstream of smoke in my direction. I waved it away. “Got something to impart,” I said, in as conspiratorial voice as possible. He raised his eyebrows. “Your friend Dwayne has a reputation.”

He took another drag. Coughed. Another exhalation of smoke, this time in the opposite direction.

“Bet he sucks cocks,” he said in a conspiratorial whisper in return.

I was rather deflated. Then realised it must be a lucky guess.

“Too true,” I said and the look on his face was a picture. He was startled and the rest of the smoke was transformed into a coughing fit. He shook his head from side to side several times.

“God, these fags'll kill me some day. Gotta stop! What did you say?”

“True,” I said. I then went through the tale the Post Corporal (Temporary—to be posted Monday) told me. He laughed at the end of it.

“Got'em,” he chortled, “We'll have both the bastards before the weekend's out!”

“Oh, come on, Taff,” I said, “We know it, but we can't broadcast something like that.”

“No,” he said, “But darling Dwayne knows it, and if we indicate we know it, the fucker'll have to shut his gob and not make his snide remarks. Leave it to me. I'll do it carefully.” He closed one eye. “But Ferdy first.”

'Ferdy first' came in more ways than one that Friday night.

The usual bed-time ritual began about twenty-one hundred hours—sorry military ways, I mean 9 o'clock—as stragglers came back from the NAAFI which closed at ten. We had one drill parade scheduled for the morning and organised games in the afternoon. I was glad to get to bed as we'd had a pretty heavy day and I relished the thought of a good night's sleep.

By half-ten everyone was in bed and lights out. It was almost pitch black in the room and the only light was from the dim night-bulbs in the corridor outside. I was in that just before dropping-off state when there was a light scurrying across the intervening gap between the end of my bed and—I realised—Ferdy's bed. Suddenly the beam of the powerful torch, usually hanging by the door in case of emergencies, illuminated a very strange sight. Two figures, on either side of Ferdy's bed had whipped the covers off him downwards, exposing an eyes-tight-shut figure, furiously wanking a short, fat, rigid cock. The torch beam magnified this so that bizarre shadows of a huge prick and a flying fist danced on the wall behind the bed. There was a general upheaval as figures either sat up in their beds or rushed along from the other end of the room.

Ferdy was too far gone to notice. In fact, without the restraint of the covers his fisting accelerated in those last ten seconds when the universe stands still and the Big Bang occurs again somewhere in the region of the base of one's balls. A final pull down and four squirts of white cream shot up and landed. There was dead silence in the room. Four gobbets of spunk glistened on the black mat on Ferdy's chest in the light from the torch. Slowly two dark eyes opened, then blinked in the beam of the torch.

“What the fucking hell?” a very startled Ferdy exclaimed, his hand still tightly gripping his five inches and a bit of rigidity.

Taffy led the applause which rippled along the ranks of watchers until that old military gentleman—a General Titter—also ran round the room. Taffy was in his element, he chuckled louder than most as he was holding the torch!

“Gosh, you must be Ferdinand the Flying Fist, your Great-Granddad would have been proud of you!”

A General Ripple—of full-throated laughter this time—made an entrance.

That did it. Next morning, as I emerged from my wank-pit, Taffy banged me on the leg from the comfort of his own masturbatorium.

“Didn't know if it was Coleridge or Benjamin Britten after that show last night!”

I must have looked half-dazed—it was only six hundred hours and I'd had two wanks before settling to sleep.

“What'ja mean?†

He laughed. “After that I didn't know if it was Kubla Khan with his stately pleasure domes or a Spring Symphony!”
Yeah, I'd noted the effect Ferdy's performance had had on the populace. In the dim light I'd seen the mound under Taffy's covers next to me moving up and down and I'd heard the unmistakable rhythm of beds being set in motion. In fact, later that morning, after I'd fetched the post and Taffy had offered to take it round the room he came back with the head count that everyone had had a wank. So, which wankers were to lose their balls in Ferdy's opinion?
He'd been pretty quiet that morning but perked up when several of the lads congratulated him and actually thanked him for breaking the ice. We never heard another phobic word from him for the rest of training—he, like the rest of us, got on with our nightly habit and that was that. His taming was complete.
Dwayne also remained remarkably silent, at least that weekend, after Ferdy the Flying Fist was re-christened. His turn was to come.
Perhaps he was becoming a little braver. Perhaps he'd noticed that Ferdy, although a champion of his art, only had a small weapon. Anyway, on the Tuesday after that high-lighted demonstration and consequent release of much pent-up spunk, there was the usual gathering of industrious souls, less industrious souls and plain idlers during the evening. Dwayne was again idly looking at a tabloid and also eying the backs of the two black lads, Royston and Jason. You could almost see the cogs turning. What have they got? Big black lads?
By straining my eyes—I had twenty twenty vision unharmed by that activity which previous generations had been informed would send you blind—I had also noted the vertical movements, at least in Jason's bed on two nights. As Dwayne was nearer he must have noted it too. I giggled inwardly. If Jason and Royston expanded mightily did they have to have a more prominent pleasure dome than the rest of us? In my own case in bed I tended to use a finger and thumb, almost delicately, along the length of my cock which habitually—much to the past amusement of Jake—rose stiffly along my belly to my navel rather than out at an angle like his. So although I sported a good six and a half inches I only raised the bedclothes a couple of inches. All these differences between boys, my my!
Dwayne looked across at Ferdy, who was semi-industrious for once looking at the training manual we were all supplied with and had to learn parrot-fashion.
“I told you about that lad with the big 'un didn't I?”
Ferdy looked him rather warily—lad with big'un—me with littl'un—written all over his face.
“Yeah, use'ta do things for that team. Wasn't soccer was it?”
“Nah, hurling —I told'ya it's an Irish game with sticks, like hockey.”
A quiet voice from the bed next to me spoke up.
“Weren't you the mascot for the team when your brother was in it, Dwayne?” asked Taffy levelly.
“What'cha mean?” he said, “Yeah, I was. Who told'ya?”
“How did Whopper Barrett get expelled?” asked Taffy in the same low enquiring tone.
I have never seen anyone go beetroot red so fast.
“Who the fuck told you that?” he blustered.
“Oh, just a friend,” said Taffy, “He said that the mascot......”
He got no further. Dwayne jumped up and kicked the leg of his bed, he was in a real frenzy.
“My fucking brother made me... I had to do it to him when I was a kid! I didn't want too! Then he fucking told me I had to for the others or he'd get everyone else at school as well as his fucking team... That's why I came here... To get away from my fucking brother and his fucking friends....”
At that moment I felt very sorry for Dwayne. He was sobbing and ranting now in an almost incoherent way. I got up and walked slowly to him. I took him by an arm and sat him on his bed. Strangely, Royston also got up, came over, and sat the other side of him. We both put an arm round him and sat there while his sobs subsided. The whole room was in silence. Several more came in but were quickly hushed by the others who sensed that Dwayne was going through a very traumatic experience.
Ferdy slowly came over and knelt in front of Dwayne. He took one of Dwayne's hands and gripped it.
“Come on, mate,” he said, “It can't be as bad as that. You've got through it and I've got through it. Two of my older cousins held me down and fucked me when I was twelve! I didn't know what the hell they were doing. They tore me up and I couldn't tell anybody. All they did was fucking laugh.”
It was revelation time. Taffy said he was sorry he'd said about it. Dwayne said he was glad it was in the open now. One of the lads who'd been in a Home came up and said he'd been raped when he was seven by some bigger kid. All in all it was a sombre evening. But, out of such gloom several good things emerged. I learned a bit of good advice—don't under-estimate people. Dwayne came to me the next day when I was standing outside, contemplating the infinite, waiting for the next encounter with the drill Sergeant or something, and said thanks for supporting him the night before, he was glad he had such good mates.
Ferdy, Dwayne and Royston became good friends. Dwayne blossomed—an odd word perhaps—but he certainly now buckled to and improved as a member of the squad remarkably. The other lads in the squad, when they heard about the outburst were more than sympathetic. Out of the twenty of us it transpired that quite a few had experienced a rude introduction to sex in some form or another. No wonder, I thought when Taffy, very contrite in a way but glad he'd done it in another way, and I had discussed in great detail the events and how lucky we had been in our own initiations into the mysteries and joys, there were so many unhappy, frustrated creatures in the world around us and in the columns of the Sunday newspapers. At least, there was another topic of conversation in the evenings to keep our minds active. One lad's tale of how he'd been seduced by the mother of a friend at the age of fourteen set the bedsprings zinging that particular night, especially as he was asked to repeat the narrative twice more in the darkness, and he had to repeat it several more times before we finished training, so perhaps it wasn't only our minds were kept active!
Disaster struck though the same week. Our squad NCO was a fairly ineffectual soul. He was coasting along as he only had about six months to do before his seven year enlistment ran out and he was leaving to join the police. He was a fairly diligent instructor but we, as a squad, were mostly unnecessarily slow in absorbing all the finer intricacies of marching smartly, handling the rifles, which we all thoroughly hated because of their ill-balance and general clumsy construction, and becoming total killing machines. The last was Jason's jocular remark which earned him a regular tongue-lashing from his pal Royston who pointed out most of our duties would be peace-keeping. That set off another round of nightly argument and we concluded we had to be both, but... After that, poor Jason was nick-named Terminator much to his chagrin. One lad said he was more likely a Dalek in disguise, so he was changed to Exterminator which cheered him up a bit.
Anyway, Perce as we called him behind his back, the squad NCO, didn't turn up on the Tuesday morning. We waited, all expectantly, in the barrack room for the usual first thing in the morning inspection. No one came until a blustering Sergeant Bigelow appeared, announced that Perce was in hospital with appendicitis and he would be looking after us, this said in a very menacing voice, until a replacement could be found. “Get fell in, smart!”
Get fell in was the order of the day. We had never been worked so hard. Because we were “a shower of shit” in his quiet words—NCOs are not allowed to swear directly at their unbeloved charges—he was cancelling most of our timetable for the day and we would be taught to be “proper soldiers, not the fucking nancying, poncey shower” he could see before his very eyes. He denounced two of the lads as coming on parade looking like a sicked-up dog's breakfast That generated a nickname for me—Boon was transmogrified into Bonio, a known dog's breakfast.
After three-quarters of an hour of relentless marching up and down he then decided we ought to have some proper rifle drill with full packs on our backs. Five minutes to get ready and we were off again. Taffy was told to shut his row when he asked permission to go and get the mail. Jason was ordered to double up the parade ground and back when he almost turned left instead of right. Ponyboy (real name Tony and a nickname not given because of largeness of parts) Thomas was told to put his rifle down and do fifty press-ups when he didn't salute neatly enough when an imaginary officer passed. And so on.
By lunch-time we were all sweating like pigs, hot, bothered and bewildered and wishing Bungho (another name we'd already christened him with) to all sorts and shades of Hell. Dante's seven levels weren't in it. We had three-quarters of an hour for lunch—he couldn't deprive us of that—and strict orders to appear in PT kit, carrying towels, outside the barrack room in three ranks at fourteen hundred hours on the dot.
Taffy had rushed to the Company Office and had persuaded a reluctant clerk to release the post to him enduring a lecture about proper times and it wasn't his job to.... Taffy said he'd snatched up the bundle and scurried back fearful of being late for Bungho's onslaught.
Onslaught it was. We were doubled to the gym where Bungho had offered us to a Sergeant PTI pal of his to use us as guinea-pigs while a new PTI was put through his paces. The pair of them, urged on by Bungho on the sidelines, used the next hour and a half with careful sadism. Each exercise was started slowly, then hotted up and we were kept at it while the Senor PTI went over finer points of the torture we were under.
Even though we had never experienced an afternoon which had been so wearing and tiring there were jocular moments to lighten the torment. For one ligament-tearing exercise we were around the gym hanging on the wall-bars by our stretched-out arms facing into the gym. Part of the exercise was to open and close our hanging legs, slowly at first, but quickening up. The Senior PTI was striding up and down urging us to 'Fucking make some effort'. Having just completed about twenty vaults each over a horrendous piece of apparatus we were all a bit more than knackered.
The PTI Sergeant stopped between one of the lads who had been in a Home and Royston. Most of us had slipped on briefs or jockstraps when we had donned our rather short military issue shorts. Terry and Royston hadn't. They had unsuitable boxers on underneath and thus as they opened and closed their legs their equipment must have been on full view and full droop.
“God Almighty,” came the stentorian tones of the PTI, “Looks like a fucking donkey and a Shetland pony here! Open your legs lads, nothing'll fucking drop off. Come on, wider!”
Both made supreme efforts. Royston's imitation of Da Vinci's Man in a Circle meant his legs were wide apart, his shorts stretched and two inches of thick black cock dangled.
The PTI's eyes popped, the rest of us stared. The PTI roared. “Shut your legs, soldier!”
Ferdy and Yorkie who was dangling next to each other laughed having seen the knob end emerge.
The PTI strode along the gym.
“Are you laughing, soldier?” he demanded as he stood in front of Yorkie. He didn't wait for an answer. Anyway, we'd quickly learned that most NCO-produced questions were rhetorical and required no answer but were designed to induce a fearful rigidity. “Just you keep quiet,” he said and turned to look at Ferdy's dangling legs, richly coated in black fur. “You there, you hanging there like a bloody hairy-legged spider in the bath. Shut your row too! Watch I don't flush you down the fucking plug-hole!”
This incident set up two more nicknames. Ferdy as well being Flying Fist was now 'Spider' and Jason christened Royston 'Knobbo' which also stuck!
But, the afternoon was not over. We ran laps, did handstands, cartwheels, climbed ropes, balanced on beams and were completely shagged out when the PTI and his mate, with a nod from Bigelow, who had stood with a fatuous grin on his face all afternoon, called a halt and twenty dripping bodies filed into the showers. God! Weren't we glad of the life-giving heat of the water. Too bad we were only allowed five minutes before being told to dry off in one minute flat and still damp were doubled back to the barrack room.
Bigelow wasn't finished. He said that he would be inspecting the barrack room at O nine hundred hours sharp in the morning and if.... He left the whatever unsaid and dismissed us.
We all lay almost demented on our beds and bemoaned our fate. Two of the lads said they were all for chucking it in and getting an immediate discharge. One wag said you could only get that by fucking the Colonel's daughter. Another said as far as he was concerned it wouldn't matter if the Colonel only had a son but he wouldn't be able to get a hardon even for that as he was too fucking tired. After a bit we decided that Bigelow wasn't going to win, fuck him! Nil carborundum was going to be the squad motto!
So, fucked as we were we dressed, went to the cookhouse and than began the process of shining the barrack room up. Taffy and I divided the lads into five groups of four, including ourselves, each group with a specific task. We even made Spider and Dwayne task-group leaders and we swept and polished, had all the beds out and even made sure the springs were dusted. 'Fuck Bigelow!' was the rallying cry! And everyone worked like stink. Several of the lads even folded their bed blankets up that night and slept with just a sheet over them. Also, I know I didn't indulge in one of my favourite activities that night because as soon as my head hit the pillow I was fast asleep.
At Reveille next day there were plenty of grumbles but Taffy and I managed to get everyone by their clean and neat beds when Sergeant Bigelow swept in dead on O nine hundred hours. He was like a fucking tornado. He pulled half the beds apart to see if things had been folded properly. I saw one lad blushing when a sheet was held up which had a huge wank stain on it. Luckily, Bigelow ignored it and told the lad to report to him at seventeen hundred hours with his eating irons polished and shining as they were a sodding disgrace. But, he couldn't really find any major faults which riled him. So, leaving the room in a bit of a shambles we were told to assemble pronto on the parade square, packs on, collecting rifles on the way.
He was in his element now. We were inspected first. Most were OK. He told three others to report with cleaned-up boots or buckles at fifteen hundred hours. We were then marched up and down doing all sorts of left turns, right turns, about turns, sloping arms, arms here, there, until poor Jason was in the shit again for almost going the wrong way. He had another bout of doubling to do and this made everyone else get in a state of panic. At last we were halted and he strode up and down the ranks berating us for being such an idle, good for nothing shower. He stood in front of one lad and bellowed at him.
“Stand up straight, lad, you're slouching there just like a pregnant fairy! What are you?”
“Pregnant fairy, Sergeant,” came a half-hearted reply.
“I didn't hear you, lad, what are you?”
“Pregnant fairy, Sergeant,” was said in a slightly louder voice.
Someone in the rank behind must have smiled.
Bungalow pounced. “Are you laughing, lad?”
Silence as he marched back a rank.
“I am speaking to you, lad! Are you looking at me, lad?”
“Yes, Sergeant.”
“Well don't. Keep your fucking eyes to the front...” He stepped back to the front some yards away from me. “You're a shower,” he reiterated, “You stand there like a set of girls' blouses.” He paused to let that sink in. “You march worse than a herd of cows with loose udders.” A longer paused ensued and he was getting rather red in the face. “You shower,” he said through gritted teeth, “In all my years.... You look just like.....”
In the pause then, I couldn't resist it, I mouthed sotto voce to Taffy in the same rank next to me... “A host of golden daffodils!”
Bigelow heard something. He stormed along the front rank and stood between Taffy and me, his head swivelling. He didn't know which of us had said something.
“What did you say, Corporal?” he demanded, addressing us jointly.
I took the plunge. “I said to Corporal Williams the post would be ready in ten minutes.”
He moved to stand in front of me. He looked me up and down as if I were a pile of warm shit.
“Corporal, I advise you to keep your mouth shut. I'll decide when the fucking post is ready, ten minutes or not!” Some of the others had heard what I'd said and were obviously openly grinning. Bigelow turned on them. “What are you fucking laughing about? You colossal shower. Left turn, Quick march. Left, Right, left, right...”
Some were caught on the hop—we set off—a raggedly bunch with Bungalow ranting at us to smarten up or we would be for the high jump. Memories of the previous afternoon and the high jumps, low jumps and other tortures were enough to concentrate the minds so we only lost five minutes of our needed break before the next session which was, guess what? Bayonet drill!
That was another nightmare. I was accused of running like a turd in a trance. I had a great desire to shove my bayonet right up Bigelow's fat little arse. He obviously wasn't finished with me. He had guessed what I'd said didn't relate to the collection of the mail so I was subjected to several oblique allusions to my parentage and other characteristics with a number of extra tasks allotted to me in reference to the disembowelling of the imaginary enemy. I cut and thrust and parried and plunged and thought I did pretty well. My efforts were not appreciated and the squad came in for more.
“Right lads, let's show the Professor here what should be done. He's just stuck his bayonet in like your sister darning your fucking socks.”
My apparent lack of effort meant that the others were also made to run back and forth numerous times using me as the scapegoat. It didn't work. At one brief respite where one of the smaller lads was being castigated and made to repeat the stabbing motion with cries of “Come on lad, I've seen a cockerel fucking a hen with more thrust than you've got!”, Dwayne came up behind me and whispered “Don't worry, mate, we'll have that shit one day!”
That shit pursued us relentlessly every day. Every day we were made to work twice as hard as any of the other squads in training. I and Taffy, by association, came in for a great deal of flak. I did everything I was told but whatever he thought I'd said on that day still rankled. At the end of a disastrous parade on the Friday afternoon, where, mishearing his command, half the squad turned right instead of left, he'd gone nearly berserk and came up to me.
“Corporal,” he said, his piggy eyes glinting malevolently, “You and this squad are the biggest load of.....” He must have seen the glint in my eye. He knew if he swore then I would be tempted to report it as one of the Squad NCOs had been reprimanded by the CO two days previously after the Chaplain had overheard him call his squad a herd of fucking dinosaurs. He looked at me again having stepped forward a couple of inches. Being shorter his peaked cap had to be up at quite an angle for his eyes to meet mine. He stepped back a good foot to get a better angle on me. In his mind I was probably the major part of the biggest load of...... “Instead of you lot enjoying a quiet Saturday afternoon idling the time away on your beds playing with yourselves you can all clean the latrines in your block. When I went past there this morning it smelt something horrible. What did it do, Corporal?”
“It smelled something horrible, Sergeant,” I parroted almost faithfully.
The look made me feel as if the pile I represented had grown.
“Then you and this shower can make it all smell sweet and lovely and those floors had better be clean enough for...,” He turned his head slightly and fixed his gaze at some miscreant in the row at the back further on. He pointed his swagger stick at him “...You, lad, face the front..., better, fall out and double round the parade ground, hadn't you! And you!..., and you!...” He pointed his stick and two more took off like startled rabbits. “As I was saying, the whole place had better be clean enough for you lot to eat your dinner off that floor.” He took two steps back. “Left turn, dismiss!”
There was almost universal silence as we trooped back to the barrack room. The three lads came in puffing and panting and swearing vengeance. Four of the other lads had been picked to play in a soccer match at fourteen thirty hours the next day. I volunteered to plead with Bungalow in the morning when he inspected us before the two scheduled lectures.
By the time for lights out we'd cheered up somewhat. No more so than when some clot further down the room, in almost perfect imitation of Bungalow's accent piped up, “No idling in your beds and playing with yourselves tonight!” A general rejoinder of “Shut your row!” or “Shut the fuck up!” was the prelude, I know, to a most satisfying wank on my part and from the sounds I heard, on the part of many or all of the others.
I was surprised next morning. I asked Bigelow's permission to speak after he had done no more than a cursory inspection of the room and contents, namely us and our military possessions. I asked if four of the squad might be excused latrine cleaning duty that afternoon as they were representing the squad in the soccer match that afternoon against the Gunners team from a nearby camp. All sweetness and light he said yes. There must be more to it than that but all he said was that the rest of us would have to make up for the absence of the footballers.
We assembled in stripped-down order for the cleaning at fourteen hundred hours. Six, with Taffy were sent off and returned with an assortment of brooms, mops, hand brushes, cloths and buckets and canisters of disinfectant and other liquids. Usually latrine cleaning was done by those on jankers and confined to barracks as one of the more unpleasant tasks allotted to them. Other more pointless tasks given them were clipping the edge of the lawn outside the Company Office with nail scissors and painting everything that didn't move with white paint, checking first by saluting it to see if it was an officer!
After seeing the assembled squad was all present Bigelow departed and said he would be back in two hours and he would leave the organisation to Squad Lance-Corporals Boon and Williams. We quickly divided everyone up into four groups of four and two groups were set to clean the two sets of cubicles. My group had the urinals to deal with and Royston, or Knobbo, and his three had to wash, scrub and buff the tiled floor.
I know little boys like to have “I can piss higher than you” competitions. Grown boys had also had the same idea so not only did we have to wash and polish the urinals themselves but had to find a step ladder to tackle the yellow-stained tiles right up to ceiling level much to the disgust of Jason who had been volunteered for step-ladder duty.
There were shouts from the cubicles as favourite items of graffiti were noticed and communicated to all.
One lad called out “I like this one, 'Diarrhoea waits for no man!'”
There was a shout from another, “What about 'No soldier looks so fierce in fight as does the man who strains to shite!'”
“It's got 'Beware of limbo dancers' on the bottom of this door!” came a third.
“Oh fuck,” said another, “This one says 'Bigelow may have the smallest dick on the Depot but...'”
There was a general shout of “....he's the biggest dick around.”
“We'd better scrub that one off,” I heard Royston say and when I went to have a look he then busily set to and erased it.
There was also a murmured discussion of whether it was true. Someone said it probably accounted for his hatred of his fellow men. Someone else said he had watched us in the showers after PT one morning so was getting at us because we were better endowed than him. Our contemplation of the possible smallness of Bungalow's dong and the continued ohs and ahs of the graffiti readers helped time pass.
One hour and fifty minutes after we had started we decided that the place looked spick and span. It did too. The brass-work shone, the tiles above the urinals were white again, the tiles behind the toilet bowls showed no evidence of solitary activity, the red floor tiles were no longer inlaid with accumulated dirt and grime, ledges and crevices had been dusted and washed over. Fuck Bigelow! We had done a good job and were proud of it.
In fact, Bigelow was impressed. He actually praised us and then announced we would be having a replacement Squad NCO on Monday. But, he said he would himself, personally and without prejudice, be keeping his beady eyes on us. Dismiss!
Our new Squad NCO was OK. He was about thirty, had a cropped military hairdo and a small bristly fair moustache and a wildly Scottish accent. He was even freer with the swearing than Bigelow—not directly at anyone but his phraseology was peppered liberally with the 'fooks' and 'fooking'. His speciality, other than an insistence on being smartly turned out on drill parades, was map-reading.
We'd had several lectures on map-reading from an old Staff-Sergeant who had done them so many times he made the whole subject as boring as hell. Our NCO was roped in to supplement the lectures as during the basic training on three occasions we had to be taken out, dumped in small groups, given a map and two references and told we had two hours to get to the second point, and 'Gawd fooking help you wee fookers if you ain't fooking there!' Before he arrived our first essay into the wild left four of the lads temporarily stranded as they had argued which way up the map went. I was at an advantage as having done Geography at both O and A level I knew the map conventions more or less off by heart. The two daytime excursions after the guidance of the new NCO were not too bad but the things we all dreaded were the two exercises where we had to bivouac out.
They were, respectively, a two-day, overnight exercise and then a longer four-day three-night one where small groups of us would be abandoned and instructed to find our way back to a fixed location avoiding hazards.
When the time came for the first one we were taken out the first morning and played silly buggers all day crawling through undergrowth and along ditches keeping out of sight of a very loud-mouthed Major who directed the 'campaign'. That evening we were taught how to construct fairly waterproof dwellings and, tired out, crawled in wrapped in a blanket carried in our overflowing packs and slept dreamless and chaste. I didn't. I woke with a start having dreamed I was being pursued by a tribe of angry Red Indians wielding nasty-looking tomahawks threatening to scalp me. I also had a raging hardon. I thought you couldn't be scared and have signs of sexual arousal at the same time? I'd read in one of my sister's textbooks about fight and flight and had also read surreptitiously in her notes the underlined aphorism, which no doubt one of her male lecturers had emphasised hoping to cause a frisson of embarrassment, that 'Men cannot have an erection while being chased by a tiger'. I had one, rampant even with the imaginary tomahawk about to descend. Oh God, I wanted a wank but within three feet was the recumbent body of Royston. He was flat on his back, snoring gently. Oh my God! His blanket had slipped and he'd divested himself of his combat trousers as the night was warm and there, extending for seven full inches, was the fattest, blackest, stiffest cock I'd ever seen. Correct me, I hadn't seen a black one in that state before!
Unhurriedly I undid my combat trousers and eased out my rather restricted hardon and very slowly gave myself a most satisfying wank. But just before my balls began to harden and rise I wondered how was I going to clean up? Desperate times involve desperate measures. Just as I shot I cupped my left hand over my knob end, causing me to whistle softly as my knob felt extra sensitive, and caught the six squirts more or less comfortably. I'd tasted my own and Jake's semen many times so I just slurped up my own effusion and, to use a hackneyed phrase, licked the platter clean. I fell asleep again almost immediately and was awoken by a grinning Royston poking me in the side..
“Come on, Bonio, wakey-wakey, we'll get to the kitchen first.”
His dick was still out of the fly of his boxers but drooping. As I watched, he nonchalantly poked it back in, reached for his trousers and pulled them up. I groaned and rubbed my eyes.
“Never leave me in a ditch again!” I moaned, “I'm stiff, cold and want a piss!”
Royston grinned and pointed up and out of the ditch we'd made our bed for the night in.
“Get out there and watch which way the wind's blowing! And if you're still stiff when you get back I'll give you a rub-down....” His great grin appeared again. “...Your back I mean.”
I clambered up and out and, also nonchalantly, dragged out my drooping four inches, pulled back my foreskin and arched a stream high into the bushes. I shook myself and popped all back and dropped back down into the ditch where Royston, true to his word, began to massage my back. Oh, bliss!
“Hope Bungho doesn't come along and make you clean the bushes,” he murmured as his fingers dug into a particularly knotted muscle.
“As Temporary Unpaid Squad Lance-Corporal I would order you to polish every leaf and twig with your evil tongue,” I said pompously. He dug his fingers in further accompanied by a throaty giggle. “Ouch, you sadist!” I said with feeling, but actually feeling much more relaxed.
“My turn now, Corp!” he said, twisting me round to face him, “Get those fingers working, ma...aan!” The last said in the most West Indian accent he could muster. He turned and I gave his muscular back a good working over. I also developed another smoldering hardon. The hard globes of his buttocks were outlined in his combats. I could have fucked my friend Royston most happily. That bit of repartee and the friendly massages sent messages of friendship and trust. If only! I wouldn't mind a piece of the action with that body and, more importantly, with that person!
My years of quite intensive wanking, sucking and fucking with my good friend Jake were now over. We had both realised, although we were great friends, we were not made for one another. At the end of one of our last sessions together we had both confessed of our lust for each other, our friendship, but not our love. We parted wishing for each other that we would each find a true loving partner. In one of Jake's letters to me in the past week or so he'd implied he was too busy with his most interesting and demanding course to pursue his search and I inferred he was living a celibate life. I'd written back with some descriptions of barrack room life with my own undertone of a continued search. Some day, some place! I knew that the connection would be made but, even with someone so open and friendly and sexy as Royston, my inner self would not be satisfied.
We all got through the next day of continued harassment, this time with dummy bullets firing and explosions set off by the Major and his more-than willing to-scare-the-poor-rookies helpers. It wasn't too bad though, the only casualties in the squad being a sprained wrist, a twisted ankle and Yorkie's pride as we had full sight of his bare bum for the rest of the day after he'd ripped his camouflage combat trousers to shreds negotiating unexpected barbed-wire.
“Fucking nice bum you've got, Yorkie!” sang out one brave soul when we flopped onto our beds when we arrived back, “Are you advertising?”
“In your fucking dreams!” was the growled reply.
“It will be!” came another voice to the general merriment of all and a blush from the first shouter.
The second foray into the wild meant we were divided into groups of four, taken to unknown locations, given sealed envelopes containing instructions and two tasks to perform and a time and place to be at to be picked up at the end. We also had to avoid certain hazards such as a group of marauding enemy.
Whether Bigelow's hand was in the selection I do not know but I had Ferdy, Dwayne and Royston in my group. It turned out to be a good mix. Dwayne had annoyed Bungho on several occasions because of his unwillingness to take any initiative. However, over the past fortnight or so I'd noted he had determination once he'd mastered something. Ferdy went at everything bull at a gate. Bungho was always bellowing at him to keep in step or be smarter and not so impetuous when doing rifle drill. He was also a born follower. In one of our head-to-head heart-to-heart chats one afternoon he'd said he was led into pinching his father's money because of the friends he'd got at the time and he made the point he didn't grass on them. Royston, on the other hand, I knew was totally dependable. Honest and willing. But, our little massage session was a hint of something else I was sure.
Anyway, off we went at O seven hundred hours, after a very early breakfast, in closed-off jeeps or trucks, camouflage paint applied in proper manner to faces, loaded with full packs and rations for three days and very, very apprehensive.
The driver stopped at the head of a small track, we jumped off the back of the jeep and he dropped the envelope out of his side window as he reversed quickly and went off like a bat out of hell down the hill.
“Oh, ma...aan!” moaned Royston, giving me a wink as Ferdy and Dwayne scanned the nearby horizon of bushes and low trees, “We're lost already!”
He pointed just down the track at something I had just noted as well. A small signpost which the deviser of this task must have missed. I signalled him not to say or do anything. The four of us hunkered down behind the convenient hedge, out of sight. Ferdy and Dwayne both wanted to piss so we had to wait for them which gave Royston and myself time to look at the rudimentary map, the instructions for completion of the two tasks and the directions for the trek.
The map was standard Ordnance Survey with principal towns and villages heavily inked out. If the signpost wasn't a lure and the map reference we'd been given was correct I was able to pinpoint our present location with surprising accuracy. Royston had a look and concurred. The other two appeared, adjusting their dress. I handed the map and the first page of instructions to them.
“Know where we are?” I asked.
I was impressed because after only a minute or so they also agreed with our conclusion.
No need to deal with the tasks or the trek but we accomplished the first two days easily. The only problem was Dwayne and his appetite. He'd eaten ninety per cent of his rations by the time we had finished our stop for lunch on the third day. We told him he'd starve by the time they came looking for our lost bodies as the next phase looked pretty formidable. However no worries—we met no enemy although we did surprise a courting couple behind a haystack. We bet the chap's hardon wouldn't return for a week after the fright we gave them—three blackened-up, and one greened-up natural black, faces peering round at them just as he'd got his hand down her blouse and her hand down the waistband of his trousers. Royston rolled his eyes at them and Ferdy gave a low wolf-whistle as we disappeared off down another obscure country path.
That night we bivouacked in pairs as we'd decided if we were to be attacked it would be better for pairs to be on guard with one sleeping while the other watched. Royston and I found a snug corner about a hundred yards from Ferdy and Dwayne and after magnanimously donating a few crumbs of comfort from our own depleted rations to an ever-hungry Dwayne we settled down for the night. I volunteered for first watch for our pair and settled down, back against a convenient tree as Royston settled under he hastily erected canvas cover. It was a starlit night and after a while as Royston appeared to doze off I thought I would check on the others. In true commando style I crept up to their hide out. They were well-hidden but I had a good view as I approached. Dwayne was flat out on his back, flies open, skivvies to his knees while Ferdy was slurping on his well-formed, erect shaft. I watched and waited, my own rod stiffening and lengthening. I'd never witnessed another pair in the same position I and Jake had been in, oh so many times.
I knew Dwayne had been an unwilling cocksucker for his brother and others but here he was, lying back and giving little gasps of pure pleasure as Ferdy brought him to a climax, fixing his cock tight by his clamped jaws.
The final few moments had been accompanied by slightly louder murmurs of joy and after Ferdy let Dwayne's softening prick go and lay beside him I heard Dwayne mutter profound thanks.
“Nothing, mate, you needed that. Was that really the first time ever for you?” Ferdy whispered.
“Fuck, yes,” came a heartfelt response, “I've had to do it hundreds of times to my brother and those other cunts but I never knew it could be so wonderful.”
“Tis too, ain't it?” whispered back Ferdy.
It was then I had he shock of my life. Something or someone pushed their hand and arm under my prone body and gripped my ready to explode hardon. It was Royston.
“Come on back,” he ordered in a very quiet whisper.
Leaving the others sublimely oblivious of their hidden watchers we slithered back to our own bivvy.
Two pairs of combats and undies were swiftly lowered and for the first time for me I held the hardest, stiffest and longest black cock in my hot hand. My own was gripped by another hot hand.
A throaty whisper came right by my ear in the most atrociously emphasised West Indian accent. “Maan, for de skinny ass whiteboy you 'ev de massif black tool!”
I giggled. “Soldier, if you're being racist I'll have your black arse on a fizzer when we get back!”
There was a giggle back. “Ma fine black ass ain't for you to fizz or nuttin' but you can 'ev ma mo'”
With that he twisted round and clamped his jaws round my cock in full imitation of Ferdy on Dwayne. Not to be outdone I scooted round and down him, opened my mouth as far as I could and took in the head of that biggest cock I'd experienced. Actually it was only the second one I'd had in my mouth. I pursed my lips and his foreskin slipped back and I was able to bathe and lick that huge head slowly and sensuously. My own cock was having the same treatment and the pair of us were oblivious of the world around us. What would have happened if we had been suddenly attacked by the marauders I do not know. All I know was that two very satisfied lads ended up, after two mammoth outbursts of cum, in each others arms and deep sleep with no thought of who should be on guard.
I woke with a start, remembered quickly where I was, looked at my watch and saw it was half past four in the morning. I rolled away from Royston and pulled up my boxers and combats. A sleepy voice whispered in my ear.
“Pity you didn't make me lick your hand clean last time we were out, I don't think mine tastes so good as yours, Jack Sprat!”
Jack fucking Sprat! He wasn't asleep that last time when I'd licked the platter clean—strange he should think of the same metaphor—and he must have shed his load too after I'd dropped off to sleep that time. What a waste of an opportunity!
Later that morning as we tramped up the last long lane behind the other pair to the pick-up point he filled me in on his past life a bit. He said he'd slept in the same bed with a cousin who was three months older than him from the age of seven until the cousin had left to go to uni and he'd joined the Army. The cousin had been dumped on Royston's mum by a rather wayward sister who had conveniently disappeared so Baron had been brought up with Royston almost as a twin brother. They were ardent wank-, suck- and fuck-buddies and he confessed he missed Baron although they had both fucked girls as well and he had to balance all this against his mother's and his own religious principles. Without asking him how, he said he'd figured out if the Good Lord had given him a nice prick, a nice body and a sturdy right hand then if he used them for his and other's pleasure without harming anyone it must have been the Good Lord's intention for him to do so. He did say that what had triggered his mother's worries about him and his decision to join up was his performing as a strip artist at a club. He shyly said it was a gay club but he never got involved with the clientele but his mother had somehow found out he wasn't always down the gym!
I liked Royston more and more as we talked and I 'fessed up I'd also had a very close friend and we'd satisfied each other's urges since that momentous time I'd first experienced orgasm. I asked him about his growing friendship with Wayne and Ferdy and he said they had been most welcoming to him after that episode in the barrack room. They realised they were also minority as well, Italian and Irish, so they'd better stick together. Actually, he said, he felt very much at home with all the members of the squad and even Jason, who was still a bit wary, was feeling wanted.
We were on time, the truck was slightly late as it had to wait for a tardy four who, collectively, were very dirty, dishevelled and stank, having tried to ford a stream before realising it was an outflow from a farmyard. We got back in good time and were showered, shaved, etc., etc., before most of the others returned with tales of being ambushed, chased by cattle and, in one envious case, being fed cream teas by a sympathetic farmer's wife.
So, basic training was fast coming to a close. At the beginning we had been given a number of tests to do and also had interviews to find out what we thought we wanted to do in our Army career. I hadn't been very positive—I thought being in the Army meant you had a rifle and you went out to war or to keep the peace.. Yep, there were those roles but quite a few had chosen to join up because of the promises of trade-training. That meant as the last three weeks progressed so more interviews took place and promises were made. The two lads from the Homes who had become very friendly both wanted to become cooks. Both were accepted. Two others were going to use already acquired driving skills, and so on. Then, on the Thursday before the final week of training with our passing-out parade on the Wednesday, just as we had fallen in for drill at O nine hundred hours Bungho came marching up very importantly.
Every time we saw him somebody suffered—the previous week he'd threatened two stragglers to put them on a charge—a fizzer—for being late and to relegate them for a fortnight. Bluster, but effective. No one wanted to spend their evenings washing down the Company Office window sills in full uniform and pack as several poor buggers were seen doing the night before, or being kept back and placed in a new squad going over all the training again. We had two of them in our ranks, one for getting into trouble on a weekend pass and spending fourteen days in the Guardhouse for his pains and a second, who through no fault of his own, spent ten days in hospital..
Bungalow cornered our Squad NCO and then marched stiffly and stopped in front of me.
“Squad Lance-Corporal Boon to report to the CO's Room, Company Office, for interview, at fourteen hundred hours, Monday,” he intoned importantly. He paused. “And do not be late.”
That was odd. Interviews were usually listed on Company Orders and took place in rooms in the lecture block. No one we knew of, when the matter was discussed later, had experienced an interview in the Company Office of all places. Actually we had all been seen by the Commanding Officer, Major Stephenson, on arrival but that was en masse, and that was outside the Company Office. I was to enter the hallowed portals themselves rather than just visiting the Post Room tacked on the end.
Also, that last weekend of training, those who wanted could have a forty-eight hour leave pass—Friday sixteen hundred hours to Sunday twenty-three hundred hours. I decided against. Letters from home were still not very friendly. I wrote home diligently, mainly to my mother, every week and she replied. Little news from Dad. About half the squad went off and we had another visit from Bigelow on the Friday afternoon just before being dismissed for the weekend.
“Right,” he announced, “Those of you going home to fond mothers and fathers or to wives and girlfriends or friends of any persuasion, fall out!”
A relieved set of travellers scurried off leaving ten of us who were ordered to line up properly and promptly. We were then informed there were tasks for us on Sunday morning. Four would be detailed to clean up the Company Office and six the Lecture Block. And..., if he, personally, found a speck of dirt or a smear on a window, then he, personally, would see that we would be repeating those parts of the course which would make soldiers of us!
Saturday it pissed with rain so the ten of us spent most of the time in the barrack room bulling up ready for the big parade on Wednesday. Taffy and I tossed up to see who would do what on Sunday and I won so chose the Company Office with Royston, Yorkie and Dwayne as my cleaning staff. Ferdy had gone home to make peace with his father and to see his aged grandmother. Jason had also taken the opportunity to go home to Luton but was rather wary of meeting up with old acquaintances.
Saturday night we celebrated somewhat at the NAAFI and two of the lads had a bit too much to drink and were threatened with immediate castration if they sicked up on the floor. The threat was meaningless as both were too far gone to comprehend, even when we put them to bed and pulled their trousers and pants off to cries of Off with them! and their shrivelled dicks and balls were revealed. Royston nudged me later and whispered, “They little whiteboys ain't got no good black dick, uh, like you?
Sunday morning I led my contingent to the Company office where the Duty Clerk let us in, showed us where the cupboard containing the cleaning equipment was then went off again, bleary eyed, back to his sodding wank-pit, no doubt, lucky bastard! according to Dwayne.
I had a quick look round to gauge what had to be done. The CO's office was remarkably tidy, nothing on the desk except a blotter, two pens and a black telephone. The two glass-fronted cabinets held an assortment of training manuals, five copies of Queen's Regulations and assorted books on chess and bridge.
The Adjutant's office on the other hand was a real shambles. Two desks pushed together covered with brown files, green files and the occasional red one. There were two over-flowing ashtrays and two telephones plus a set of golf clubs, most not in the bag leaning against a cupboard bursting with more files. Hanging on the back of the door were a rugger jersey, shorts, jock strap (well-worn) and two pairs of mud-encrusted football boots dangling by their laces.
I gathered up the dirty football togs and sent Dwayne off with a fifty-pence piece to the launderette next to the NAAFI with instructions to tell the oik in charge who they belonged too and he would be back in two hours to collect them, washed, dried, pressed and folded. I said I would clean up the Adjutant's office, Dwayne would do the CO's and the other two the Chief Clerk's and the two smaller offices until Dwayne could help as well. However, before they started I checked what they had to do and, of course, inadvertently, not on purpose, cross my heart and hope to die, had a quick shufti at the Chief Clerk's desk diary. There it was. Monday: 12.30 hrs Major Bullivant, A (MoD), Lt. Campbell, R (B.W): CO lunch. 13.45 CO Transport GHQ 14.00. SLC Boon, E CO's office free. 15.00 Tea for three. So, who was I to be interviewed by and why?
I remembered one of the books in the CO's room was the Army List so I trundled back on the excuse of checking to see if shelves needed dusting and quickly turned up, Bullivant, A. Major (Staff) and Campbell R 2nd-Lt, Black Watch.
Cleaning went well. Even the Adjutant's office looked tidier. I didn't attempt to put the files, mainly training orders and nothing so secret Saddam Hussain or the Argies would give a million pounds for, in any sort of order. They were dusted and returned, as far as I could tell, to their original positions. But ashtrays were emptied, surfaces dusted and windows washed and by twelve hundred hours the suite of offices looked clean, if not, other than the CO's, too tidy. Dwayne went off and on return the clean rugger togs and now un-muddy boots were placed strategically on a chair with all golf clubs back in the bag.
Bigelow came, looked, grunted and we went off for a substantial Sunday cookhouse lunch, me with vital information!
That afternoon Taffy and I went for a long walk, evading the Guardhouse, and discussed how we felt about our training, our roommates, our futures, whatever. He was down for a Signals posting and was curious about me not knowing yet my fate. I said I would be quite happy as a squaddie but he averred I would need more than that to keep me occupied and motivated. We discussed all our room mates—real mates now, friends in the main, but, although he remarked on the close friendship that had developed between Dwayne and Ferdy especially and how pally I seemed to be with Royston, I did not enlighten him over what Royston and I had witnessed, or done, on the long bivouac. But, just for old times sake, Taffy and I ended up in the same old National Service hut and tossed each other off as we had done just those few weeks before.
May not see you again after we've finished here,” he said, “But I've really valued your friendship, thanks.
I said the same and I think we were both a bit sad we would all be parting soon. To lighten up a bit we discussed what we would like to do to Bungalow before we departed.
Luckily all returned safely from leave that night. Two with news. One lad, who we didn't know until then was married, announced to general congratulations that his wife was pregnant. A second lad announced his girlfriend was also pregnant and he was fucking certain it wasn't his! Load moans and lots of advice to ditch the cow!
That night I had a second wank of the day reviewing my three encounters, two with Taffy and the extraordinary one with Royston. It was odd, I didn't have one image of Jake at all as my spunk squirted and spurted into the sock held strategically round my cock.
Monday morning came and so did Bigelow. Our Squad NCO was urgently required to take over a map-reading course so dear Sergeant Arsehole Bungalow was let loose on us. By 1200 hours, when we were finally dismissed, he had reduced most of us to quivering wrecks. I was singled out for several loads of invective, possibly because I had this mysterious interview to come, but everyone suffered in some way. At least half the squad had to double round the parade ground for some perceived misdemeanour and he particularly picked on the two lads who were going to be cooks—almost saying they were a couple of effeminate poofs but disguising this again by his recourse to 'pregnant fairies'—the 'poofs' was a general comment about all of us when we didn't quite come up to slope arms with the accuracy he required. He gave both Royston and Jason a hard time, squinting up and down at them and at one time telling the lot of us we about as useful as two big tarts from Brixton. As Royston came from around that area I thought that was a bit near the mark. Thankfully I wouldn't have to endure him for the rest of the afternoon.
I rushed off parade, managed to get a quick lunch, showered and put on my best uniform and presented myself at the steps of the Company Office at 13.55 hours prompt. Bigelow was waiting. He eyed me up and down as if I were an increasingly large pile of half-warm shit. He saw nothing to criticise and at precisely fourteen hundred hours I was marched up the steps and escorted into the CO's Office to the chant of “Lef' Righ' Lef' Righ'...Halt! I saluted the seated figure smartly and stood stiffly to attention as the seated officer dismissed Bungho with thanks. The door was closed behind me, a chair placed and the seated figure spoke.
Right, Temporary Unpaid Squad Lance-Corporal Boon you may stand easy, in fact, have a chair. Take your hat off too, it's much too stuffy to wear that and have a decent conversation, eh, Roddy?
The second figure appeared from behind me and sat in the chair beside, as I could see now, a Major with red tabs, aha, Staff! The second figure, in almost scruffy combats, had a single pip on his shoulder bands. Then my heart almost stopped. He gave me the most winning smile, I felt the same sort of 'zing' I had when I saw Andrew Forbes and he was naked! The 'zing' this time was even more so. I daren't look at him, I knew I would sprout a hardon, I fixed my gaze on the Major.
I expect you want to know the nature of this interview, he began in a very friendly way. “I ought to tell you we have already spoken with your Headmaster and Roddy had a trip to Oxford to talk to two of your friends. He looked at the papers in the folder in front of him. “Jeffrey Pringle, reading Maths and Jacob Manners, reading History. Good friends, eh?
I gathered my senses. Yes, sir, I said as clearly as I could, “The very best!
Heard from either about today?
I'd had a letter from Jake on Friday detailing some theory he had about the Spartan Army. As this was a running joke between us, as he had informed me prior to my departure that the Spartans trained up their Army in pairs from boyhood where they were encouraged to be whole-hearted fuck-buddies as they believed that they would fight even harder in battle, I had laughed to myself. No, there was no hint of any fireside chat or otherwise.
No sir, I had a letter from Jake Manners on Friday and there was nothing to alert me. I had a card from Christ Church where Jeffrey is a student about a fortnight ago. Nothing, sir.
Good, he said and sucked his teeth. “I suppose you would like to know why we are here? It will be confidential and we will ask you to keep whatever is said secret. In fact, before we start I will ask you to sign the Official Secrets' Act document, which you would do in any case on any posting. Roddy, please pass this over.
Roddy, the Second-Lieutenant stood, picked up a piece of paper and a pen from in front of the Major and came round, stood next to me placing the document and pen in front of me. He was standing so close I imagined I could feel the heat of his body. My body heat increased and I felt a definite twitch down below. I read through the document, picked up the pen and signed and dated it.
Right, said the Major as Roddy resumed his seat. Now no names, no pack-drill. I will ask some questions and if the answers are as we require we will go further. Do you understand?
Yes sir, I said, but I thought two can play at this game and I'd better tell the truth. “Sir, I said, “But I already know who you are.
He raised one eyebrow, a trick I hadn't ever been able to master.
He looked at Roddy. “I thought nothing was supposed to be divulged.
He looked back at me and the eyebrow raised again. I thought I'd better respond.
Major A Bullivant, Staff,... ....and Lieutenant, (here I made an educated guess), Roderick Campbell, Black Watch.
They both burst out laughing.
So much for military secrecy, eh Roddy? the Major chortled. nd just tell me how you know?
I explained as succinctly as I could the happenstance of the office cleaning, the look at the diary, the check in the Army List and the guess that Roddy was Roderick.
Everything thawed from that moment. I was obviously someone after their own heart. I soon learned they were looking for individuals who would join a specialised team who undertook undercover work of a highly secret and often sensitive nature. I had been spotted and their checks on me had been positive for their requirements. I would undergo lengthy training, mainly in the company of Roddy who was already under training and would be my superior in rank but equal in the field. Bloody hell, if only I had decoded the hidden message implied by Jake's last letter! Clever Jake had twigged the purpose of his chat with Roddy and had given me ample clues but I was misled by his original thesis that I'd better find a good fuck-buddy soon to fight for and had thought this was just more of the same!
At three precisely, I looked pointedly at the clock. I murmured that tea should be arriving. They both laughed when a rap on the door sounded and a sprog Private on orderly duty marched in bearing a tray of tea and biscuits. He did a double-take when he spied another sprog, albeit with a single stripe, deep in conversation with two officers.
At one point the Major asked if I smoked or drank. I said I drank to be friendly but had never been drunk. I said I didn't smoke, having had a grandfather who had died of lung cancer, a father who had given up and a promise of one hundred pounds if I didn't smoke before I was twenty-one.
But you smoke, sir, I said and the eyebrow went up again as I continued, “Pipe and Three Nuns.
Roddy, no more to be said, I want him in! How did you know?
CO doesn't smoke as no ashtray on his desk when I cleaned it yesterday. The Adjutant had two ashtrays and that is one of them, courtesy of the Imperial Hotel, Torquay, and I smelt the smoke as I came in. My Uncle Joe smokes the same. Coming from a home with no smoking I know when he's been round to see my mother.
And if you had been Sherlock Holmes...
I took the plunge and interrupted him, ...I would be able to distinguish between one hundred and forty types of tobacco.
That settled it, the Major took out his pipe and he and Roddy then told me a few of the things I would be doing and I was instructed to tell inquirers I'd been selected to join a new computer section and would be going for training almost immediately. At half past three—I mean fifteen thirty hours—I was warmly shaken by the hand and addressed as young Edward by the Major and given a more than warm handshake and a knowing look by Roddy. Roddy then said I would hear of my posting by Wednesday next. I stood, replaced my beret, saluted smartly, turned and marched out. I knew my life was about to undergo an enormous change.
When I got back to the barrack room it was empty. I sat on the edge of my bed and reviewed what I had been told. I knew there was danger and excitement and a hell of a lot of specialised learning ahead. Was I ready for it and did I have the ability and, more importantly, the stickability, to cope with it. Then there was Roddy. I knew I wanted him and that decided it. Come what may I knew in my heart of hearts I was made for him and he for me. All I had to do now was prove it!
When the squad finally got back they were completely knackered. Bungalow had taken over completely and had made it quite clear that unless they improved to his standard by sixteen hundred hours tomorrow he would, himself, personally, with intent, see that every member of the squad after the passing-out parade would be doing the most heartbreaking, backbreaking, mind-breaking, bollock-breaking fatigue duties until they were posted out of his sight. The squad was nothing more than a set of wishy-washy, namby-pamby, big-girly, poxed-up self-abusers whose only purpose in life was to make their own lives and the lives of their senior NCOs as miserable and unpleasant as possible and he wasn't going to be fucking-well miserable on their account.
He had reduced at least three of the squad to shambling, almost tearful, wrecks by his constant harrying and vituperative language. Again, he'd just about accused the two cooks-to-be to be addicted to sodomy and other pastimes and had also got at Royston and Jason in subtle ways for being black and probable possessors of larger than natural personal attributes. One phrase used which was dissected for possible slurs was “Some of you shower ain't natural....
Of course, I was cross-questioned about my interview and, other than being twitted about my luck in missing the afternoon with Bungho, my explanation of being sent on a special computer course was accepted without question.
Bungalow was not in a good mood next morning and kept twisting the knife every time there was some minor error. At one time he had half the squad, including me and Taffy, doubling round the square. I got three earfuls including one starting off with a denunciation of not being present on parade the previous afternoon. I kept my mouth shut as he knew full well where I was as he had marched me in. I think he thought I was in the shit and that's why I was being hauled up to the Company Office. Luckily for all he had other duties that afternoon and our own Squad NCO returned and we had a final rehearsal for the great day tomorrow.
We all spent the evening bulling and polishing, seeing that trousers were pressed, tunics were box-pleated, caps cleaned and badges shining. We all set too and helped each other so we had time to get the barrack room cleaned up as that would be inspected by the CO himself.
The next day was an anti-climax. The barrack room and our serried ranks were first inspected by the CO. No problems. On the parade ground we marched past the Colonel in charge of the Depot after he had inspected us and spoken to quite a few. No problems. At last we were dismissed and found Bigelow waiting for us at the barrack room.
Right, fourteen hundred hours sharp, fatigues, he announced and then indicated a pile of clothing. “Rig yourselves out in those coveralls. He turned and strode off.
The grumbling over lunch was stupendous. Bungho was cursed roundly, soundly but we were there, waiting, when a Corporal with a clipboard turned up. It wasn't too bad. Royston and I were assigned to the Sick Bay where we had to swab a couple of floors with mops and stack some shelves. We were told we could report back in the morning which we did.
However, when I went to the Company Office at 16.15 to collect Company Orders I was also handed a sheet with my posting order for Monday next and a travel warrant made out to London, all stations, from the local station near the Depot. I noted it was all very vague. I had to report to a barracks in London and be on the local station at 10.00 to catch the 10.30 train. I was to report to the Transport Office at 09.30 hours.
Well, time passed quickly and most of the squad had a few drinks on Saturday evening. Quite a few had been to Church Parade on Sunday morning to get out of more fatigues and, just before lunch, one of the lads who had been on fatigue duty as Company Runner came pounding in.
“Hey, what do you fucking think? he yelled, Bastard Bungho's in the fucking Sick Bay. Story is he was found by the old huts this morning, fucking pissed out of his mind. Fuckers said he was wearing a gold fucking jockstrap and had a fucking banana stuck up his arse!” He waited for the effect. A stunned effect. Then he added, “And the fucking banana still had the fucking Fyffe's label on it!
There was general laughter and cries of serve him fucking right, the bastard! But, I did notice some self-satisfied looks on the faces of Ferdy, Dwayne and Royston! I couldn't care less. I was out of the place the next day, so fuck Bigelow and his 'phobic ways!
Next morning I paraded at the Transport Office with pack, issued duffle bag and the best wishes of the barrack room. I was going to miss my mates but I was also rather glad I was going first. I'd said heartfelt cheerios the night before especially to Ferdy, Dwayne, Yorkie and Jason and particularly to Taffy and Royston. In fact, Royston and I shared a brotherly hug. There was little point in saying 'keep in touch' as we were all destined for different careers and would be scattered all over the place, probably all over the world wherever the British Army served. So, it was 'Best of luck' from all to all.
I arrived at the station in good time and had dumped my pack and bag by a bench and was idly looking in the window of the paper kiosk when I recognised, in the reflection, someone on the platform opposite. It was Roddy and he was in civvies. He was dressed like a student, complete with large sports bag. I hoped he hadn't noticed I'd spotted him so I went over to the bench and sat down. After a couple of minutes someone came and sat next to me and a sports bag was plonked down by my feet. He was sitting pretty close to me as I stared idly across the platform.
“I hope you aren't trying to pick me up, mate,” I said in a low voice, “I ain't that type of soldier and my mother told me about men like you!
There was a throaty giggle from the figure next to me.
“Oh, fuck, am I as bad as that! When did you spot me, Sergeant Boon?
I turned in amazement to look at him. He had that wonderful smile on his face.
I'm not a Sergeant.... I began.
...You fucking are.. From this morning and now shut the fuck up and listen carefully. Go to those bogs at the end of the platform. There's an out of order sign but just go in. Third cubicle, bag like this. Change your clothes for what's inside. Stick all your clobber in your other bags but get anything personal out you need then leave them in there. The porter over there will collect them. And flush that travel warrant down the bog, I've got your proper ticket here. Now, back here in five minutes.
I stood, hefted my bags without looking at him and went over to the bog. Sure enough, a sports bag was there with a complete change of clothing. I was to become another typical student. I was four minutes and thirty seconds including stripping completely and donning a complete outfit from jockstrap outwards and also having a much-needed piss.
I plonked myself down next to Roddy and dropped my bag, purposely hitting him on one of his feet.
All OK, Ted? he asked and gave my bag a kick.
Yeah, I said, not knowing whether to address him as Sir or Roddy, “Bloody jockstrap's too small, though. It was a boyish waist size of about twenty-six inches whereas I was about thirty-two.
The laugh came again. “Sorry, we forgot underpants so that's an old one of mine I put in at the last minute.... he paused. ...Just the waist or are you boasting?”
I almost said 'Wait and see' but hoped that might be at some time.
“Humph, I hate to think where it's been then,” I said, “But I'm glad you put it in or else I'd be left dangling.
He punched me on the arm. “Cheeky bugger!” he said and that infectious grin appeared again.. I knew then we were not just officer and oik!
By this time the 10.30 train was signalled but we didn't move.
Oh, by the way, call me Roddy and anyway we're going the other way on the 10.35.
Which way? Either way I was rather confused. We strolled slowly up the platform and over the bridge. The train was almost empty and we were quite a distance from other passengers but we didn't talk. As we went further into the countryside the train more or less emptied completely. It was only then he filled me in with a few facts. I had been promoted acting-Sergeant, paid, with effect from that morning. We were going to a specialised training place which to the outside world purported to be an up-market private sports centre, hence the outfits. And he said, very meaningfully I thought, that Jake had sent his best wishes.
I was not prepared for what happened over the next few months. If I thought Bigelow was a hard taskmaster and flogged his recruits to exhaustion and quivering masses of humanity then I, and the other eleven on this intake, were stretched to limits we didn't know we possessed. These limits were both mental and physical but we knew it was all with purpose and reason and we thrived on it. I was mentally and physically stimulated from day one.
There were six pairs. We never appeared in uniform. In fact I never saw mine again for almost two years. Although I knew Roddy was an officer we were all called by our first names or nicknames and no ranks. It was ages before I twigged that a crop-haired broken-nosed young bruiser, with tattoos in most peculiar places, was a Captain and the younger son of a Lord. His paired companion was a flaxen-haired youthful lad, same age as me, who looked as if he belonged on the playing-fields of Eton but was, in reality, the son of poor immigrant parents from Hungary living in the East End of London. So, we were a mixed bunch. I learned very quickly we were selected to be the basis for an undercover task-force ready to ferret out terrorists, undesirables, etc.
Learn we did, from the compulsory run at six-thirty a.m. each morning, to lectures and practical exercises, to tests and exams, we were at it from dawn to dusk. I loved every minute of it, even when, at times I felt I couldn't absorb another idea or climb another bloody rope suspended fifty feet up a tower.
But that first day on arriving at ............. (no names, no pack-drill, as Major Bullivant had said!) we were welcomed by staff—in civvies—as if it were a four-star hotel. Roddy had already been in residence for two months but his first assigned confederate had chickened-out and had left after a month and I was found as a replacement. When Roddy told me that I knew he was desperate to succeed and I knew that we would!
I followed Roddy and the smartly dressed major-domo up the curving stairs.
“I've put you two in a double, Roddy, if you don't mind. A bit more spacious than the rabbit-hutch you had, he said as we reached the top of the stairs. He turned to me. “I hope you don't mind sharing a room. I'm told he doesn't snore! And lunch is at one.
I said I didn't mind and was rewarded by another of Roddy's smiles. I also noted it was one, not thirteen hundred hours!
We were shown into a good-sized outer room, equipped with two desks, shelving and an assortment of books. A door led into the bedroom where two four-foot single beds were separated by a night-stand. Another door led to a small shower-bathroom and bog.
“Marvellous, Tom! said Roddy, rubbing his hands, “Just right. Reminds me of my last years at Kinloch except we didn't have the luxury of an en-suite bathroom.”
The major-domo looked pleased and said, “Anything for you, Roddy.
After unpacking my washing and shaving gear I'd rescued from my bags which were now Lord knows where, that was that. Roddy was flat out on one of the beds when I emerged from the bathroom.
No choice, Ted, he said pointing across the room. “All your stuff's in the cupboard by that bed.
I opened the door. Neatly stacked were piles of underwear, tee-shirts, socks, sports kit and so on with a couple of suits and slacks hanging beside.
He laughed. “If any of it doesn't fit you can change it. And I want my jockstrap back—it's a family heirloom and I'll pass it on to my little brother when his balls drop!”
I sat on the edge of the bed. I must have looked a bit bewildered. He raised himself on an elbow and looked me straight in the eyes.
“Cheer up, mate, he said smiling broadly, “You and I are going to have a ball!
Having a ball came on our third night of sharing the room. That Wednesday night was the turning point for both of us. We'd had a rigorous day. The morning run, breakfast, two hours in lectures, an hour in the gym, lunch, a battery of tests for an hour then an hour of very fast six-a-side football. Tea followed with another lecture, dinner at seven and the evening free. Free? We had to prepare a digest of the main points of the two morning lectures and answer a question on each.
We turned in about half-past ten. Weary, but I did feel exhilarated, I was enjoying being stretched and also being pampered at the same time. I needed a shower so stripped and went into the little bathroom and had a leisurely shower. While luxuriating under the warm torrent I realised I hadn't had a wank since Sunday night, that last night in the barrack-room. I contemplated having one under the shower because I was already getting the makings of a hardon. But no, I thought I would try an experiment.
I got out, dried myself and sauntered into the bedroom just with the towel knotted round my waist. Roddy was lying on top of his bed clad just in boxers of a truly revolting pattern. I went over to my cupboard and got out his old jockstrap.
“Thanks for the loan, I said, “I don't know what the system is for our washing yet but you'd better have that done before you give it to your brother.
I stood by his bed and handed it to him. He grinned.
Sorry it was a bit small. I noticed you must have been very constricted!
I grinned back. “Checking me out, eh? Care for a closer look?
I dropped the towel and everything then happened. In moments we were in each other's arms on his bed licking and kissing each other, feeling each other's muscular bodies squirming and writhing with a passion and ecstasy I'd never even felt with Jake. I literally ripped off his atrocious boxers and we were immediately head to toe, slavering over each other's shafts. I shot my load in his gasping mouth in record time and, as I gave his slim, nicely proportioned dick a barrage of mighty sucks, he unleashed a copious amount of his own cream into my waiting throat. We hadn't finished. We lay side by side, mouths together, our tongues fucking and exchanging the coatings of spunk. His hand gripped my still erect cock and a second stream soon squirted, this time all over his torso. I recovered my breath for a few minutes and did the same for him. We then lay for ages on our backs, an arm round each other's shoulders, idly tracing patterns on each other in the splodges of our silvery juices.
At one point, after he'd felt me all over, he whispered “Yeah, you must have been a bit constricted. You're a big boy, young Ted! Must have been quite a squeeze!”
I was thinking up a suitable reply when he suddenly turned and looked at me.
“I love you, Ted, please love me.
I leaned forward and kissed him tenderly.
That began our, at present, twelve years of companionship and deep, deep love.
Over that time we've worked together, played together, been unavoidably separated, saved each other's lives at least twice, survived a bombing, and so on. But every time we needed each other that spark was there, a kindled lambent flame of love and absolute devotion. More or less successfully hidden from others we survived until the time came to make momentous decisions about the future.
I suppose I'd better cue you in on a few highlights, or even lowlights, over those intervening years. We didn't leave the Mansion, as it was known, for the first three months. Our tutors and instructors ranged from erudite academic types to real, gnarled trainers in all sorts of arcane arts. One much loved old Sergeant, who had spent years in his now amalgamated Scottish regiment, made a point of singling out Roddy, as he was patently Scottish, and me for special treatment—not always too pleasant—and had a fund of odd aphorisms and twisted proverbs which popped out much to the amusement of all. Once I had failed to do some particular part of an obstacle course to his satisfaction, I was made to repeat it until I mastered it. He stood by me and commented in his rich Scottish accent, “If at first you don't succeed, pull your foreskin o'er your heid!
I learned to drive—not just the usual young man's fancy cars or more sedate family saloons but also real high-performance monsters which, which, with armour-plating were said to weigh nearly three tons. I and Roddy, with two others were soon singled out for specialised computer training so when the others had their own grooves to follow we spent hours learning things no computer magazine would ever tell you.
Every six weeks or so Roddy had to break cover, as it were, and show his nose to his regiment. The first morning he had to go off he dressed in full Highland regimental dress, Black Watch kilt, big hairy sporran and all. As he turned to face me I laughed and he found himself on his back, by the application of a particular martial arts routine we had practised many times, with his kilt up and me checking that he wasn't wearing anything underneath. I was called a fucking Sassenach bastard so I gave his balls a friendly tweak and said that every time he wanked off during the next five days, and he wasn't to do it more than three times a day, he had to remember he'd left me behind.
We had that sort of relationship even then where we could say anything and everything to each other. As we lay in each other's arms each evening after some form of love-making we told each other our life stories. My relationship with Jake was discussed at length and he laughed when he heard of my little infatuation with Andrew Forbes. I heard about his life at Kinloch and his loving relationship with a lad called Miles through most of his school life. This lad, on leaving school, had emigrated to Canada and after studying there worked for some organisation which seemed very secret. He also confessed to having had a few other illicit liaisons while at school but all had to be kept very circumspect. Like Jake and me he said he wasn't in love with Miles. But, and this was the important point, that interview meeting in the CO's room, was the catalyst for both of us. I told him about my 'zing' and partial hardon. He admitted he couldn't keep his eyes off me all the time we were in the room. He said he had a clear image of me that night as he spilled his seed, and for many nights after that.
At the end of three months we had a week's leave. I'd written home to Mum and Dad, to my sister Pam and to both Jake and Jeffrey as regularly as possible. We had been asked, nay instructed would be a better word, not to reveal anything about where we were or our training. We were on trust. I had an address for a military base a few miles away but mail came in very promptly. I arranged to go home for a weekend and then went to stay with my sister who was starting a PhD in Clinical Psychology. Mum and Dad were pleased to see me. Dad was unwell and, in fact, died suddenly from a heart attack a few months later. My appearance, looking fit, healthy, but in civvies as I was not attached to any specific regiment, cheered them up. My apparent misdemeanours with a now absent Jake were never alluded to but I did feel a bit on edge. My cover story was, as usual, that I was on specialised computer training.
After further training Roddy and I were assigned to our first task. This was to track some information concerning possible bomb making in North London. For this I was enrolled on a Business Studies course at a local college and over Christmas had to make myself look like a typical second-rate student to go with my carefully rehearsed cover story. I was found digs with a nice old lady and appeared on her doorstep in my new role. She wasn't fazed at my appearance—she'd had others looking just like me before. Roddy's parting shot was that I looked just like Shaggy in Scooby Doo. As he was working as a waiter in an Italian restaurant—no, not one belonging to Ferdy's relations—as his cover, I retorted that a greasy spoon was about the only thing he would be licking for the near future.
Suffice to say I was soon integrated with a little group of students who drank in a local pub in the evenings. I imbibed little, pleading student poverty, but keep eyes and ears open. One of the girls in the group was obviously sounding me out and relayed things which I knew, and my handlers knew, were incorrect. Gradually as I was accepted more and more I was able to identify two gents who drank regularly in the same bar in a larger group as the most likely suspects. After relaying names and addresses through Roddy, on visits to enjoy large plates of pasta, the two gents and the girl on the course disappeared and, when I left the course at the end of the term—saying I was going to transfer to another college—I heard that successful raids had been made and the miscreants were somewhere safe. I had a special commendation for that. Roddy got a liking for Italian food and his second pip as well.
Further training ended up with both of us being sent to a somewhat prestigious Northern university to take computer science degrees. That was the ostensible reason. The powers-that-be at the Ministry of Defence had discovered their network was vulnerable. In fact, there was a high probability it had been hacked into. There was also suspicion that the hackers were connected with the computer department of said university. It took us eighteen months of intensive learning and investigating before two research students disappeared and were never heard of again. The network was not compromised again—mainly because we were able to advise on the closure of back-doors, use of passwords, etc, etc., which was not helped by the highly publicised loss of laptops in taxis and pubs by rather forgetful MoD personnel.
Our relationship continued wonderfully during this time. After one term in a Hall of Residence a flat was found for us. Our handler was a stunning blond, Mary, who came up to see us regularly. Being seen in the company of a stunning blond, albeit one who could stun with a jab of two fingers, meant our relationship was never questioned. By now our relationship was an open secret with Colonel, as he became, Bullivant and his small team. At the end of the degree course Roddy was promoted to Captain and I had a crown to add to my invisible stripes.
Roddy, of course, had to keep up appearing at his regimental headquarters and also at home at Linnhe Castle in Scotland. I had no such ties but had to keep a low profile wherever I went. Not easy when you are six foot two and built with it. I kept in shape by regular work outs at the university gym. More than once I was propositioned by very nice-looking, buffed-up lads. No, I didn't waver, Roddy was mine and I was his. We spent many hours exploring each other and trying to give each other the most pleasure our bodies could muster. I was so glad we cared for each other so much as we never relapsed into some sort of stereotypical, stylised love-making. Each act was a pure act of love. We use to joke about having a headache, or, it being that time of the month, if there was something which was weighing us down. If either felt too jaded or tired or frustrated with problems we worked all out of our systems by the way we cared for each other. There was a synchrony between us which was uncanny. Roddy said it was because we both had Scottish antecedents—my Grannie came from the Highlands to work and married Grandad—and so had second sight. I don't know about that but we never had a real spat—a few cross words at times, but never any quarrel that lasted more than an hour or so.
My first encounter with Roddy's family came one Hogmanay, the New Year of 1996/1997, just before we finished the computer science degree course. I was to be his driver and he was to make a two day visit only as he was required for a meeting in London. That was the story. I had to be in uniform and appeared as a Corporal with false flashes and all. I even had to wear a kilt, or to be more exact, the kilt. Naturally, being only a driver, I was accommodated at Linnhe castle in the servants' wing. Now largely deserted, because servants were no longer in plentiful and cheap supply, but comfortable. I had royal treatment below stairs and found out much more about 'Master Roddy' as he was known to the adoring staff which I used to my advantage on several occasions when we returned.. I met his elder brother, who Roddy was bunking in with, Walter the Banker. He was an older version of Roddy and accepted me quite naturally as a soldier with a job to do. His younger brother, Paul, was now a fully-fledged member of Kinloch school having graduated from the preparatory department. We got on well and I had to give him several rides in the jeep which was our transport. He also asked me all sorts of awkward question about what I did other than drive the jeep. I told him I was the official haggis hunter for the regiment and had to enter each kill on a computer and he gave me a very peculiar look.
On the way back Roddy told me he'd passed on the family heirloom, the boy's size jockstrap. He said he wondered if young Paul had discovered the joys yet as he thought he was quite well-grown for nearly fourteen. I said no doubt as I had noticed the growth of hair on his legs when he was sitting in his kilt next to me in the front of the jeep.
With the end of the course in 1997 and getting our degrees new duties came. However Mum and Pam came up and saw me arrayed in cap and gown at the degree ceremony . Roddy demurred from receiving his as his photo might be seen by someone and he kept very much in the background. Pam and Mum knew I shared a flat but I explained, untruthfully, that my flat-mate had gone home having finished and was looking for a job. I said the MoD had promised me a posting to do with computers but it was hush-hush. They didn't see me in uniform and managed not to blurt out anything when I introduced them to a couple of my class-mates and to two of my more favourite tutors as none of them knew what I really was.
The next four years went like wildfire. I was sent to Germany on one assignment and who did I meet but Ferdy and Dwayne, resplendent in maroon berets and Sergeant's stripes having taken a parachute course. They were now instructors at the depot I was visiting. They were pleased to see me and twitted me that I was still one rank above them as Staff-Sergeant. I also heard what had happened to Bungho. They and Royston, now a Sergeant at a depot in England, had found that Bungho always spent Saturday nights in the Sergeants' Mess getting pissed as a newt. They had spiked a half-bottle of vodka with two crushed-up Valium tablets purloined by Jason, who was in on the scheme but kept in the background, from his mum's supply. They'd followed Bungho as he wove his way back to his billet and solicitously offered him the bottle which he drank from greedily. They steered him to the back of one of the old huts where he soon fell into a stupor. His trousers and pants were swiftly removed and the gold lame jockstrap—a relic of Royston's stripping and posing career—was substituted. The final act, the insertion of the banana up his arse, was Dwayne's touch of brilliance. I remembered how Dwayne liked his food and always came back from the NAAFI with extra supplies! When he recovered in Sick Bay Bungho couldn't recollect what had happened to him. His story of having a quiet drink in the Mess was not believed and he had an almost immediate posting out. Dwayne said he was now Quartermaster at a Depot near Aldershot and, true, he did have the smallest dick on the Depot! We had several drinks to that taming of that 'phobe!!
Of course, I couldn't tell them why I was really there—my cover was setting up a new word processing and database system. In reality I spent a lot of time in a prison cell, with an MoD interpreter, interviewing a rather recalcitrant young German and finding out his more than odious affiliations and his hacking secrets. I'd spent some time exploring his computer and had uncovered a whole range of well-hidden nastinesses but there was much more in his spiteful little head. I had made my displeasure known after a couple of fairly fruitless interviews with the arrogant young man. My quiet complaints were taken on board by his keepers and the last two sessions were much more profitable. He spilled many beans and whether he survived I do not know. He was rather grey and sweating heavily when I sat the other side of the table on the final occasion as he was brought in by two ferocious looking Military Policemen. But, he named names and spelled out some very interesting codes with alacrity on that occasion. I got a very high commendation for that episode and a further promotion, to Company Sergeant Major.
During those years we had two spells in Ireland where once our cover was nearly blown and we were nearly blown up. A couple of times we averted a dangerous situation at the last moment. Not just there, but elsewhere, as one time we were ambushed and only Roddy's driving skills saved our bacon. I don't think our love making had ever been so intense as it was after that particular occasion!
So, the time had come to make decisions. In December 2000 Roddy had gone off to Edinburgh as his now nineteen-year-old Officer Cadet younger brother was acting as sponsor for two of his friends who were making their commitment to each other. We had discussed many times how we might make our relationship known. Not in the Army. As far as his new regiment, another Highland one, was concerned, Roddy was celibate and spent his time in London if he wasn't in Edinburgh. Truth was we were together all the time he wasn't reporting in. I was a hidden cipher as far as the army was concerned, well-paid, but under cover; he was the open part of the team. I was spending much of my time investigating all sorts of ways in which networks could be and were compromised. Don't ask me where, but I was here and there. But, the job was telling on me. I was never rested. I had to be alert all the time. I rarely had leave. When I did, and Roddy was away playing his role with his family in Scotland, I now tended to stay with Jeffrey and his wife at the curate's house or with a sublimely happy pair at Oxford, Jake and Andrew. They'd become an item as soon as Andrew went there to read Mathematics. Jake was a Junior Fellow by then and now they are both Fellows of their respective colleges and live together in Iffley in connubial bliss. Both are very lucky. I never envied either, I had Roddy.
So, it's now the end of 2001 and the crunch has come, so had the airmail letter this morning. It was strange. It was from Roddy's friend, Miles Turner, from Canada. Would I be interested in setting up a very secure computer network and be responsible for running it, at what I took to be a vastly inflated salary, for the worldwide organisation he represented? He noted that Roddy had recommended me and that Roddy would be based in Canada anyway.
I had ten days to decide. What to do?
THE END




Quote:Punctuation marks.
“Yes, it is,†would be "Yes, it is,"

Continue reading..

Information The Dreamer
Posted by: WMASG - 12-26-2025, 11:03 AM - No Replies

It was the bottom of the sixth and final inning. Our Massachusetts team was playing Japan in the championship game of the Little League World Series. Before stepping into the batter’s box, I looked over the field, making eye contact with each of the three base runners. There were two outs, and our team was down by three runs. I stepped into the box and pointed the bat at the pitcher.

I had watched this pitcher before. He had an outstanding fastball and a wicked curveball, as well as a change-up which he used to keep batters off balance.

He wound up and threw a fastball a little low and away. l let it pass, thinking it was a ball, but the umpire called it a strike. The second pitch was a curve ball which finished outside the strike zone. On the third pitch, another fastball zoomed towards my head. I pulled back just in time for it to miss me.

The count was now two balls and a strike. I stepped to the back of the batter’s box and looked around, savoring the moment. Everybody in the stands was standing and cheering. This is what baseball is all about, I thought. Then I stepped forward in the box again.

I was pretty sure this pitch would be a fastball low and away. It was. I let it pass and the umpire called strike two. Now came the challenge. What would the pitcher throw next? Would he try to fool me with a change-up? What about a curve or another fastball? I decided to gamble on a change-up. The ball came towards the plate, but so slowly I wondered if it would even get there. It did. It hit the plate and bounced into the catcher’s mitt.

So the count was three and two. What would he throw now? I guessed it would be a curve. After all, if he walked me, that would only score one run. If I hit the ball, the way the game was going it could be an out—the final out of the game. But I was determined not to let that happen. The pitch was a curve. I swung but was out in front of it and fouled the ball down the left field line.

What next? I guessed a fastball. The pitch came in, right in my wheelhouse. I swung smoothly but hard, just the way I’d been taught. After I hit it, I stood in the box and watched the ball fly straight and true. I knew it would get to the fence but was it high enough? The center fielder raced to the wall, timed his jump, and leaped. The ball hit the top of his outstretched glove, bounced off it, and landed over the fence. A grand slam home run! We had won the World Series by a run.

As I ran around the bases, I pumped my right fist in the air. I saw the boys from Japan walk disconsolately towards their dugout. My whole team was waiting for me at home plate. I jumped in the air and onto the plate with both feet. I was ecstatic! My heart was pounding!

“Gregory, come downstairs for supper this instant!”

The field disappeared. My team disappeared. And there I was in my bedroom, coming down off another daydream. Damn.

Getting up from where I lay on my bed, I slowly walked downstairs to the dining room. Everyone was there waiting for me. I sat, we joined hands, and Father said a blessing. Then Mother served herself and began to pass the food bowls around the table. They got to me last. They always got to me last. Before me they went to my three older brothers and my father. Sometimes when they got to me there was very little left. That night I got one small pork chop and a dab of mashed potatoes. The other vegetables were all gone.

We ate silently; the only sound was that of my family chewing. I thought of cows chewing their cuds and smiled a little, but I kept my head down so nobody could see the smile.

My father was big, very big. I never called him Dad; he was always Father. In addition to being big, he was strong and loud. Even when he wasn’t trying to be loud his voice boomed through the house. He was a sports fanatic and approved of my older brothers’ prowess. He didn’t particularly care about their grades, he just cared about their winning games. But he didn’t seem to approve of anything I did. I wasn’t an athlete. I was a good student. I loved reading and writing stories, but Father didn’t value those interests at all.

Mother was quite small—I think petite was the word. She was the opposite of Father. She was quiet, self-contained, and rarely spoke to any of us unless she was alone with me.

My older brothers’ ages descended by two years each. Carlton, the oldest, was 18 and would be a senior when school began in the fall. Malcolm was 16 and would be a sophomore there. Warren was 14 and would be in the eighth grade. The three of them seemed to be from a single mold, Father’s mold. They all enjoyed sports and were good at them. They were all mediocre students, but good enough to get by without exerting themselves.

I was 12 years old and would be entering sixth grade. I wasn’t big and strong like my brothers. To be honest, I was rather puny. I guess I came from Mother’s mold. Usually I was silent, at least with the family. I knew I didn’t belong. I knew I would never gain Father’s approval. If Father got on my case, Mother never spoke up for me. She just looked at the floor and waited for the storm to be over.

And Father did get on my case, frequently. “Why can’t you play sports like your brothers? Why can’t you stand up for yourself? Why do you waste your time writing? Why are you such a fucking mouse?”

Malcolm and Warren liked that last question, and whenever they were around me, they made squeaking noises and pretended to step on my tail. Carlton participated in the teasing as little as he could get away with, given our brothers and Father.

Was I miserable? Can a fish swim? Of course I was miserable. I did my best to hide it because, if I looked sad or cried, everyone but Mother laughed at me. Then Father would say something like, “Don’t be such a baby,” and I would flee to my bedroom, close the door quietly—I never dared slam it—and lie on my bed until I could stop crying.

Unlike my brothers, I was a dreamer. I had watched the Little League World Series in the summer, not because I liked baseball, but because I could pick out cute boys and crush on them. Of course, that was my secret. Nobody in my family knew. If they had found out, my life would have been over.

Father approved of my watching the games. He thought it might inspire me to try playing baseball again. I knew that would never happen.

Oh, I had tried. Following in my brothers’ footsteps, I signed up for T-ball when I was old enough. I proved to be uncoordinated and seldom hit the ball even as it sat on the tee. The more my father yelled from the bleachers, the more mistakes I made. But nobody fails T-ball, so in time I moved on to my first—and thankfully last—team. I couldn’t catch the ball. I was afraid it would hit me. I couldn’t throw the ball. My teammates said I threw “like a girl.” If, by some fluke, I managed to hit the ball, I couldn’t run fast enough to first base and was invariably out. The participation rules said I had to play in the field for at least two innings. I was put in right field, because the theory was that fewer balls were hit out there. One day, when I was daydreaming in the field, I bent over and picked a dandelion just as a ball landed at my feet. Even my teammates and coaches jeered. After that, I didn’t go back. Father tried to make me, but short of dragging me there to our mutual embarrassment, he couldn’t get me to go. I didn’t care how loudly he yelled. I didn’t care if I was sent to my room as punishment. In fact, being sent to my room wasn’t a punishment at all. It was where I wanted to be.

But I did have to watch my brothers’ games. Football. Ice Hockey. Baseball. Every game! I sat with Mother pretending to enjoy myself. Actually, of course, I was daydreaming about being good enough to star in the games. While the high school didn’t have a hockey team, there was a recreational program on Saturdays and Sundays. The rink was outdoors, so Mother and I watched, drank tepid cocoa, and shivered. God, how I hated hockey!

I don’t want you to think that Father was mean. He wasn’t, and he never, ever hit me. He just didn’t understand this scrawny, uncoordinated, day-dreaming son of his. I think, by the time I became a teenager, he simply gave up and ignored me.

******

When I was little, Mother read to me and we’d talk about the pictures in the books together. At the age of four, I surprised her by reading a book to her. It was one she had read several times and she assumed that I had memorized it. She got another book which I had never seen and put it in front of me. I opened the book, looked at the title and the first picture and then read the page. I continued to read until I got to the end of the book. Mother was astounded. I learned later that she’d had to drag my brothers, almost literally kicking and screaming, to read when they were in first and second grade.

That night at the dinner table, she told the family what I had done. Father grunted. Two of my brothers said something to the effect of, “Well whoopee.” Carlton, who at that point was ten, looked at me with surprise and a little smile on his face.

After that, I couldn’t get enough reading. Mother often took me to the library two or three times a week, and still I ran out of books.

Shortly thereafter, I began trying to write. When she saw me writing, Mother showed me how to form the letters, because a few of them, like ‘a,’ didn’t resemble the printed letter. By the time I was five, I was writing little stories which were actually daydreams I’d had and wanted to write down.

At age six, two things happened to me. First, I went to school. When the teacher gave me a book to look at, I told her it was too easy. She gave me a harder book, and again I said it was too easy. There were no books in our classroom that either challenged or interested me. Finally, she sent me to the school librarian. I returned with three chapter books in the Boxcar Children series, which had very few pictures. My teacher thought I wouldn’t be able to read them, but I did. When I told her the next day that I had finished them, she sat down and talked with me about them. I told her what I had read. When she asked questions about the books, I was able to answer them. From that point on, I had permission to visit the library any time I wanted to.

The other thing that happened that year was that I got to share a bedroom with Carlton. I had been sharing a room with Warren while Malcolm was in one with Carlton. Warren had been teasing me for some time. Of course, he was bigger and stronger than I was, and he enjoyed tormenting me. When he discovered he could reduce me to tears, his teasing became more and more vicious.

One day, when I was lying on my bed crying, Carlton came in and asked me what was wrong. I told him what Warren had said, and I told him that I hated Warren. Carlton comforted me as best he could and then went off to talk to Warren. I don’t know what happened after that or who was involved in the discussion, but it was decided Carlton would share a room with me while Warren and Malcolm would sleep in the other room.

Anyway, there we were, me and Carlton. Since he was six years older than I was, he of course got to stay up later than I could. Although he didn’t know it, I took to staying awake until he came to bed. I felt safe with him there. Yes, Carlton was a jock just like the other two, but he was the only one of the three who paid any attention to me or treated me kindly.

Once, when I was in our bedroom, I picked up a book which Carlton had been reading and which was lying on his desk. His bookmark was about halfway through the book, titled The Hobbit. I began to read it and was soon absorbed in the story. It was like no other book I had ever read. Soon, I began to daydream about being a hobbit, and then I began to write hobbit stories with me, of course, as a hobbit and the hero.

I have kept all the stories I’ve ever written. My hobbit stories were, of course, brief and could only have been the work of a six-year-old, but they weren’t bad. In fact, they showed the imagination which I’ve always had and which still feeds my daydreams.

I didn’t show the stories to Carlton. I was afraid he’d laugh at them. But I did manage to find the book often enough when I was alone that I was able to finish it. Then I had a problem. I didn’t have any other books of that genre. (Of course I didn’t know the word genre in those days.) I went to the school librarian and asked if she could suggest other books like The Hobbit. She frowned and told me that book was much too old for me and would give me nightmares. I guess in a way she was right. I did dream about the hobbits, not only daydreams but nightdreams as well. The dreams never scared me. Sometimes they excited me so much I woke up. That always disappointed me because I wasn’t finished with my dream.

******

Sixth grade was the oldest grade in our town’s three elementary schools. Warren was now in the one middle school and Malcolm and Carlton were in the high school.

I guess you could say that I had friends at school, but they weren’t close friends. We got along okay and occasionally worked together in class. On the playground, I preferred sitting and reading to playing games with the other boys. I knew they considered me odd, but that was okay with me. I considered myself odd.

Teachers in the school rotated recess duty. My teacher, Mr. Ammerman, often played basketball or soccer with the other fifth and sixth grade boys. He always invited me to play, but I simply shook my head and returned to my book.

Mr. Ammerman was not a big man like my father. He was not a loud one either. He was probably around 30 years old, certainly not an old man but old enough to be an experienced teacher. He enjoyed playing with the kids, but he wasn’t a great athlete. He was rather on the small side, perhaps about 5’8”, and he was slender, so I don’t suppose he weighed much over 130 or 140 pounds. He wasn’t particularly good looking, although he smiled and laughed a lot. He always seemed relaxed in the classroom, and I guess that made us relax too.

One day, instead of playing at recess, Mr. Ammerman sat on the bench beside me. I was reading the most recent of the Harry Potter books. “Are you a Potter fan?” he asked.

“Sort of,” I replied, “although I don’t think this one is quite as good as the first ones.”

He smiled and thought for a minute. Then he said, “Greg, I’ve noticed that often in class your mind seems to be somewhere else. I can usually tell by looking where your eyes are focused when you’re daydreaming. You seem to do that a lot. Am I right?”

Right away I thought I was in trouble. In prior years I’d occasionally been reprimanded by teachers when I wasn’t paying attention, and I was pretty sure that was what Mr. Ammerman was leading up to.

“Yes sir,” I replied quietly.

Instead of scolding me he asked, “Can you tell me what your daydreams are about?”

Nobody except Mother had ever asked that before, so I had to think about it before I answered.

“I’m not sure I can,” I said, “because every daydream is different.”

“What about this morning?” he asked.

“You really want to know?”

He nodded.

I was reluctant to go on as I was afraid he would laugh at me, but for some reason I felt safe with him, so I said, “Okay, this morning I was having one of my Harry Potter daydreams. I imagined myself as a wizard and a leader and we were having adventures together.” I looked at him shyly, hoping I had said enough.

“Okay, so what was happening in your daydream?”

“Well, a dragon was laying waste to our village and we were battling him. I didn’t get to the end of the story before the bell rang for recess.”

He was silent for quite a while and I could see he was thinking. Finally, he asked, “Do you ever write down your daydreams?”

That was another question I’d never been asked, although, when I was little, I used to share some of my stories with Mother. Now I was feeling quite embarrassed. In the first place, no teacher I had ever known had sat down just to chat with me. Was he simply making small talk or was he really interested? I didn’t know. I did know that I wasn’t comfortable talking about my stories. I always thought of them as private, just written for my own amusement.

He simply sat, waiting for me to answer. I knew I had to say something. I knew it would be rude if I didn’t answer, and I’m not usually rude. The reason I didn’t want to answer his question was that, if I did, I knew what his next question would be, and I didn’t really want to answer that one either.

At last, I said quietly, “Yes sir.”

“Would you let me read some of them?”

See? I was right. I knew that would be the next question and I didn’t want to answer it.

Finally, trying to be as polite as I could, I said, “I’d rather not.”

Again, I knew what the next question would be. “Why?” he asked.

Right again. Now what could I say? At last I mumbled, “Because they’re kinda private.”

He didn’t say anything for a moment, and I was afraid he’d be mad at me for telling him no. I looked up at him and he was just nodding his head, with a little smile on his lips.

“Okay,” he said. “What about just one story? Any one you pick. Or what about if you wrote a story which you knew you would share with me? Would that work?”

“I’ll have to think about that. How about if I tell you by the end of the week?” I had never bargained with a teacher before, and again I was afraid he’d be mad at me. But he wasn’t.

At that point, the bell rang to end recess. Saved by the bell, I thought. But Mr. Ammerman wasn’t quite finished. “It’s a deal,” he said, and offered his hand to shake on it. A little reluctantly, I shook it. In boy culture, an agreement sealed with a handshake was serious, but I didn’t know if he felt the same way.

Back in the classroom, we began a math lesson. I liked math but I really had to pay attention, so daydreaming was not possible.

At lunch, one of the boys, Harris, asked what I’d been talking about with Mr. Ammerman. I knew Harris was just curious. He wasn’t someone who would give me a hard time about it. But I didn’t want to tell him, so I said, “I can’t share that right now.”

He looked a little surprised but then said, “Okay.” After that we went on to other subjects.

******

At home late that afternoon, I realized I was in a pickle. I had no problem starting a daydream, but every time I did I wondered, if I make a story out of the dream, will I be willing to share it with a teacher? The answer was always no, and that in turn stopped my daydream. For three days, I couldn’t dream up a story without that question arising.

On Thursday night, I knew I would have to write something. I had made the agreement thinking that it would be easy for me to come up with a suitable story, but I couldn’t do it; I didn’t do it.

Friday morning, I thought about pretending to be sick and staying home from school, but I knew that would just delay the inevitable. Of course, I had only agreed to tell him by Friday if I would do it. But what would be the use? If I couldn’t come up with a story in four days, having the weekend or another week wouldn’t help.

As recess neared, I grew increasingly nervous. What would he say? Would he be upset with me when I told him I couldn’t do a story?

When Mr. Ammerman sat on the recess bench with me, I was embarrassed, and I was even shaking a little.

“Will you be able to write a story for me?” he asked.

I couldn’t look at him. I sat with my eyes focused on the ground and they began to tear up. Damn, I hated that! Finally, I shook my head. I knew what he was going to ask next.

“Can you tell me why?”

Right again! I shook my head.

Then he asked something I hadn’t expected. “Too private?”

Bang. He’d hit the nail on the head. I nodded.

We were silent for a few minutes before he asked, “Do you keep the stories you write?’

“Yes sir. All of them,” I replied reluctantly.

“Could you share one of those with me?”

I shook my head.

“Greg, I look at the books you like, I read your assignments, and I hear you talking with the other students. I know you’re smart and you write well, and I imagine that shows up in your stories. Let me assure you, I’m not trying to embarrass you. I’m not trying to pry into your private thoughts. What I’m trying to do is find out how you write, not when there’s a writing assignment, but when you’re on your own. Your assignments are fine, but I have a feeling that if you’re not trying to fill an assignment, you might write even better.”

What could I say? What could I do? At last I sighed and said, “I’ll try again.”

“Thank you. Just be yourself when you write. Don’t worry about my reading it. I’m not going to judge what you write. And I promise I won’t share it with anybody else.”

Again, I was saved by the bell.

Something he had asked triggered a thought. At home that afternoon, I began going through my old stories. I hadn’t done that the week before, and I thought maybe there was something in the collection which wouldn’t be too embarrassing to share. It took me hours, but I finally found one. I knew I would have to rework it because I had written it in the third grade, but I thought it was possible.

I spent a good part of the weekend on the story, and by Sunday night I had it ready.

Monday morning, I asked Mr. Ammerman if we could talk at recess and he agreed.

When we were sitting on the bench, which I had come to think of as my bench, I told him I had found a story which I didn’t think would be too embarrassing, but I’d had to revise it because it had been written three years ago. I told him it was about flying in formation with a flock of geese. I was in the fifth spot, so my name was Goose-5. I wrote about what we saw below us, and I made up how we communicated. The flight was from our town in Massachusetts to Louisiana, where we would winter, and we saw a lot on the way—highways, farm fields, woods, towns, and rivers, including, of course, the Mississippi. Although I had never flown, I had looked at many National Geographic magazines in the library, so I was able to describe in detail what Goose-5 saw, using a lot of color. I also wrote about flying through the clouds, something else I had never done. I just imagined the details as I wrote. When I finished talking, I handed him the story.

We sat silently as he read it through. Of course, even though he had said he wouldn’t judge what I had written, I didn’t see how he could help doing that.

At last he smiled, looked up, and said, “Greg, I told you I wouldn’t judge your story and I meant it at the time, but now I have to.”

Right again!

He went on, “I have to tell you that this is the best writing I’ve ever seen from a sixth grader. It’s imaginative, clear, descriptive, and, above all, fun. Where did you learn to write like this?”

Once again I was embarrassed. I hadn’t expected his reaction and I didn’t know how to answer him. I just shrugged my shoulders.

“Did someone teach you to do this, perhaps in a writing class or club, or did you just learn on your own by reading other people’s writing?”

I mumbled, “Just learned on my own, I guess.”

“Well, I want to encourage you to keep writing, but I don’t know how I can help if you won’t share your writing with me. Let me show you what I mean.”

For the rest of the recess, Mr. Ammerman read parts of the story to me and made comments. He never criticized. Much of what he said was positive. He never said that the way I had written something wasn’t good enough. He just made suggestions as well as picking out phrases or sentences he especially liked.

Finally, he said, “Greg, I really want to encourage you. You’re a fine writer, but you won’t grow as much as a writer if you can’t listen to and learn from suggestions. Will you let me help you?”

I thought long and hard about that. Did I want suggestions? He certainly didn’t seem to criticize me. Did I want to grow as a writer? If not, why not? Could I trust him with my private thoughts?

At last, just as the bell rang, I said quietly, “I’ll try.” Again we shook hands before returning to the classroom.

******

I wasn’t accustomed to sharing my thoughts and feelings with men. Well, really the only man in my life had been Father, and I knew enough not to share with him. Mr. Ammerman was the first male teacher I’d had, except for gym. Of course, at first I was reluctant to share things with him, to trust him. But as the weeks went on and I hesitantly shared some writing with him, I found I could trust him, and I slowly became more willing to open up to him. I found that not only my trust but also my confidence was growing.

Of course, I didn’t share all my writing with him. Often, I wrote a piece and decided that it wasn’t very good, so I just stuck it in my collection and went on to the next story. It was during sixth grade that I began writing my stories on the computer instead of by hand. Until I learned where the letters were on the keyboard, that was slower for me, but on the computer, I could make changes and additions more easily.

In the late fall, when it became too cold to sit outdoors and talk, Mr. Ammerman asked if I would be willing to stay after school one day a week so that we could confer. When I told him he had to ask my mother, he called her and they had a long conversation. They agreed that Mother would talk with me after school and then decide.

At home that afternoon, Mother and I sat at the kitchen table. She had met Mr. Ammerman during a parent ̶-teacher conference but didn’t really know him.

“Tell me about Mr. Ammerman,” she said.

“Well, he’s kind, and sometimes he’s funny, and for some reason he likes my writing.”

“You haven’t shared your writing with me for a long time. Is there a reason for that?”

“Sometimes it’s kinda personal.”

“But you share with him?”

“Yeah. He talked me into that. I really didn’t want to at first, but he just kept gently urging me, so I took an old story I’d written in third grade, rewrote it, and showed it to him.” I then told her about the story and how nervous I was when I gave it to him.

“Mr. Ammerman liked it, I guess. He pointed out things he really liked about it and then he made a few suggestions about how to improve. He’s never really criticized me. At first, it was hard for me to listen to his suggestions, but eventually I realized that I was not only listening to them but trying to follow them. So we’ve been conferring once a week during recess. But now it’s too cold to sit outside and do that. So we do it inside when the class is still outside, running around, keeping warm.”

“You don’t go out on those days?” I shook my head. “I’m not sure I like that,” she said. “You should be out in the fresh air.”

“It’s only once a week and I do get fresh air walking to and from school”, I cajoled.

“Here’s an important question,” she said.

Uh-oh, I thought. What’s her problem?

“Does Mr. Ammerman ever touch you in ways you’re not comfortable with or does he ever talk suggestively to you?”

I was shocked. “Of course not, Mother. He never ever touches me except for an occasional pat on my shoulder. I know what you’re thinking, and he’s not like that at all. He acts like a professional and he helps me write. That’s as far as it goes.”

Mother looked steadily into my eyes for a long time. Perhaps she was trying to figure out if I was telling her the truth.

“And I thought of something else,” I said. “I just realized that, when we’re working together in the classroom, he always leaves his classroom door open. I never thought about that until now, but occasionally, when we’re talking, a teacher or the principal walks in. I’m safe, Mother. I know I am. And if he did any of those things you’re worried about, I’d leave immediately and tell you or the principal. So don’t worry about anything like that.”

Finally, Mother gave her permission, and she wrote a note for me to take to Mr. Ammerman the next day.

Through the winter, on Wednesday afternoons, Mr. Ammerman and I worked together. At home I would write, usually about my current daydreams, and he would read and comment on my writing. When we were together, I became increasingly relaxed. We talked and laughed, and I had a good time. He never indicated in class that I was any more special than any of his other students. In fact, I realized that every student was special to him, and he always supported and helped us.

In March, Mr. Ammerman told me about a competition held by the area newspaper every year. It was for middle-school students, but it included sixth graders because, although our sixth grades were part of the elementary schools, sixth grades in some nearby towns were part of the middle schools.

He told me that the competition included several categories. One was fiction. Another was non-fiction. There was a poetry prize, a photography prize and an art prize. The photography submissions had to be black and white, and the art ones had to be pencil, or pen, or charcoal, so the winning entries could be printed in the paper. He said that there was a luncheon in May where the first, second, and third place winners in each category ate together, not knowing which one had won first place. The winners were announced at the end of the luncheon and each first-place winner’s submission was printed in an insert in the newspaper the next day.

“Greg,” he said, “I think it would be good for you to enter the contest. I suspect it might be difficult for you, but I think it would give you a goal. In addition, you’d get to meet a couple of other kids with similar interests and skills. What do you think?”

“Do I have to?”

“Of course not. I wouldn’t force you to even if I could. This would have to be something you did on your own. You couldn’t have any help, so I wouldn’t be able to comment at all on what you wrote. Will you give it some thought?”

I reluctantly agreed, we shook hands as we always did at the ends of our meetings, and I walked home, thinking a lot about what he had said. If I did it, whatever I wrote couldn’t be personal. It wouldn’t have my feelings in it. I just couldn’t do that.

******

A few days later, as I sat daydreaming and idly looking around the classroom, an idea came to me. I jotted down some thoughts on a piece of paper and then went back to paying attention to the social studies lesson.

Over the next few days, I wrote a story. I had looked up the rules for the competition and there was a 2,000-word limit. I guessed that was because the story couldn’t take up more space than that if it won and was printed in the paper.

Each evening I typed away at my story. I didn’t rush because I knew that wouldn’t be good for my writing. I usually wrote less than an hour a day. By the end of the third day, I had a rough draft which I printed out. I had discovered it was easier for me to proofread and think about changes on a hard copy. I read the story, thinking about alterations for a couple of nights and writing additions and marking deletions in the margins. I used a blue pen because I hated red pens, something I had copied from Mr. Ammerman. Then I let the story sit for a bit while I worked on other writing. I decided that letting it sit was like steeping tea because you couldn’t rush it.

The next weekend I returned to the story and added the changes I wanted to make on the computer. When I finished, I printed another hard copy, let it sit for a few days, and went over it again, making further changes. After I let the story steep for another few days, I went back to the hard copy, looked again at the changes, and then made them on the computer.

My story was about little creatures I named scholis, their name coming from the root for scholastic or scholar. They lived in the backs of the cupboards in a second-grade classroom. After the children and the teacher had left for the day, the scholis came out of the cupboards and did tasks around the room. They read and made suggestions on kids’ stories. They corrected math workbooks. They cleaned the chalkboard and wrote up the schedule for the next day. They picked up fallen pens, papers, and pencils and returned them to children’s desks. Some of them searched the trash to find and hide away food that had been tossed into the trash. When they finished their work, they had a picnic supper from the food which had been tossed out, talking over all they had learned about the children. They kept an eye on the clock because they knew they had to be hidden by the time the janitor came to clean the room.

I was actually rather pleased with the story. Online, I filled out the entry form and sent my story to the judges. Then it was time to wait.

A week before the luncheon in May, I received an email inviting me to attend, so I knew I had placed first, second or third. The invitation said that I should bring my parents. Since Mother didn’t know I had entered a contest, I had to tell her about it. Fortunately, she had nothing scheduled that day, so she agreed to attend. I didn’t bother to ask Father; I knew he wouldn’t go. I replied to the email, saying that Mother and I would be there.

On the Saturday of the luncheon, I couldn’t believe how excited I was. Without telling the rest of the family where we were going, Mother and I drove to the headquarters of the newspaper, which was in a neighboring town. We checked in and were directed to a round table in the middle of the room.

We were the first ones at the table, but soon a girl and her mother and father arrived and sat with us. The girl introduced herself as Bethany and said she was in the eighth grade. I think probably when I told her I was in sixth, she thought she had a good chance of beating me. Then a boy and his parents arrived and sat at our table. The boy introduced himself as Tanner and told us he was also in the sixth grade. By then, Bethany was looking very confident.

The parents sat around half the table and we three kids sat around the other half. That gave us a chance to talk with each other during the luncheon. Well, the other two chatted and I listened. Typical me! I only spoke when I was asked a direct question. Bethany seemed a bit snooty, like she was above us, but Tanner chatted away like he’d known us for years. He told us he loved to write and always had a story or two going. He said that his teacher had been making suggestions on his writing but of course hadn’t on the story he’d submitted. He told us his story was about playing a tennis match and asked what ours were about. Bethany said she had written about a girl who was in high school and who wanted to be part of the in group. I told them very briefly what mine was about, thinking it sounded rather juvenile compared to theirs.

When the luncheon was over and the parents who wanted coffee had been served, a man stood in the front of the room with a microphone. He introduced himself as Roger Scott, saying that he was the chairman of the competition committee. Then he began to announce the winners in each category, beginning with photography. By the time he announced the final category, the fiction one, I was, as my mother would say, ‘on pins and needles.’ I glanced over at Tanner but couldn’t tell what he was thinking.

“In the fiction category, the third-place prize goes to Bethany Carter. She rose to polite applause and went to the front to receive her plaque. While she was gone, Tanner leaned towards me and said, “Good luck.”

I said the same to him, but I was also interested in Bethany, who looked very grumpy and upset. After all, she’d been beaten by two sixth graders.

Mr. Scott continued, “The choice between second and first places was difficult for us. The committee was actually split.” Looking towards the two of us, he said, “So you should both be pleased with your stories.” By then Tanner and I had stopped breathing. “The second-place winner is Gregory Browne.”

I think I slumped for a moment, but only a moment before I rose, trying to smile, and went to the front to receive my plaque, which was a little bigger than the third-place plaque.

Returning to my seat, I said quietly to Tanner, “Congratulations.”

Tanner was announced and went to the front to much applause. He shook Mr. Scott’s hand, and returned to the table, where he gave his plaque to his mother. He was beaming when he sat down.

As the luncheon ended, I did something which was very uncharacteristic of me. I turned to Tanner and said, “Wait till next year.” He wasn’t sure at first whether I was upset or not, but, then he offered his hand and said, “It’s a deal. I’ll meet you here a year from now.”

Leaving the luncheon, we were each given a copy of the newspaper insert which would be included in the Sunday paper. The insert had all the first-place entries in it. Of course, on the way home, I read Tanner’s story, and, despite myself, I had to agree that it was well-written.

Sunday afternoon I received an email from Mr. Ammerman congratulating me on my second-place finish and asking if he could read my story. I thanked him and sent the story to him.

When we met after school on Wednesday, Mr. Ammerman told me that he thought my story was really good and should perhaps be made into a children’s book.

“If it’s so good, why didn’t I win?” I asked.

“Greg,” he answered, “second place in this competition is nothing to be sneezed at. You should be proud of what you accomplished.”

“I guess I am,” I said, “but I still want to know why I didn’t win.”

He thought a moment and the said, “Okay, think about it. What do you think Tanner’s story had that yours didn’t?”

“I’ve been trying to figure that out, but I don’t know.”

“Think about the word passion.”

“Okay, so my story didn’t have passion. It would have ruined the story to put that in. I know that Tanner’s story was full of enthusiasm and joy for the game he described, but I can’t do that.”

“It’s only a guess, but I’m suggesting that the judges were looking for feelings, for expression. And I’m further guessing that you deliberately chose a story in which you didn’t have to express your feelings. Is that so?”

I lowered my eyes and nodded.

“Greg, I fully understand why you did that. I know that you’re not ready to share your feelings with other people. But if you want to be a good writer, that’s the next step you have to take.”

I thought about that, and I knew he was right, but I also realized I had a lot to overcome to be able to do that.

******

In seventh grade I found I liked having different teachers for different subjects and I liked their enthusiasm for the subjects they taught. Of course, I especially enjoyed my English class. I learned a lot from the literature we read, and it was usually easy for me to write about the stories. The only problem was my daydreaming. Habitually, I put myself in the stories and dreamed about interacting with the characters.

I continued to visit Mr. Ammerman every Wednesday after school. By then I had begun to call him Mr. A., which he enjoyed. One day, I apologized for taking his time. I knew that he had papers to grade and lesson plans to prepare, and I felt guilty.

He smiled, shook his head, and said, “No, Greg. Never worry about that. I find that, when the class leaves at the end of the day, I need time to unwind. I can’t just sit down and work right away. True, sometimes I take quite a bit of work home with me, but that’s my choice. I find working with you relaxing. I can focus on something and someone else and just converse for an hour. Really, it’s no burden at all.”

The book we were reading in English was The Red Badge of Courage by Stephen Crane. My mother thought it was too adult for seventh graders, but I thought it was a wonderful tale of warfare and the Civil War. I entered into the story as I read it and began writing a version with myself in the story. Sometimes, I experienced the fear that Henry Fleming, the protagonist, felt. It was a visceral feeling and rather new for me. As I wrote, I used a pseudonym for my character. I found that gave me just the little distance I needed to write about my feelings, my excitement, occasionally my joy, and—most of all, my anxiety.

I Googled Stephen Crane and learned he was born well after the war, in 1871, so he was writing totally from his imagination. I learned he had begun to write when he was 5 years old, just like me. Sadly, he died of TB at the age of 28. I hoped that was where the similarities would end.

When I finished my story, I emailed it to Mr. A. On Wednesday, he praised me both for the story and for the feeling I had in it. He said he thought I should show it to my seventh grade English teacher, but I wasn’t ready for that. She didn’t even know that I wrote stories.

Now that we were in the one middle school building, I saw Tanner from time to time. He was always surrounded by friends, and, to be honest, I was jealous. He and I talked briefly a few times, but we didn’t have any of the same classes except gym, so we had little to do with each other. But always in the back of my mind was the challenge and agreement we had made the previous May.

I had begun to enjoy reading survival stories, especially, those which involved boys. After reading Hatchet, I asked Mr. A. if he could suggest some. He did, and I read them avidly. One of the books he suggested was not well known at all. It was a true story called Lost on a Mountain in Maine by Don Fendler.

As a twelve-year-old, Don had become separated from his companions when he began to descend Mt. Katahdin alone. Fog came in and he lost the trail, which, above timberline, was only marked with occasional daubs of paint on the rocks. He wandered for nine days in the Maine wilderness with no food except a few berries. He lost his sneakers, which had become cut up by the rocks, and he lost his jeans. Along the way he followed some of the lessons he had learned in Boy Scouts. Those, and his faith that God would take care of him, saved him. Eventually, on the ninth day he found a fishing camp where the people took care of him and got him back to civilization. Soon after, he told his story to a man who wrote it down, as verbatim as possible, and the book was published. Since it was in Don’s words, the book was easy to read, and I enjoyed some of his quaint expressions. The only expletive he used was ‘Christmas,’ which I thought was funny.

At the time, people all over the country had followed the search for Don in their newspapers, and many had read the book. I learned through Google that students in many Maine elementary schools read the book and wrote to Don, who was by then an adult in the military, and he answered every one.

I was fascinated. Here was a book which had all the feeling anyone could want. I began daydreaming about being lost and on my own. The daydreams became the basis of my writing. I wrote several survival stories before I wrote the one I really liked. Mr. A. read them all except the last one. He praised them and commented on them. I didn’t show him the last one, because I thought I would enter it in the spring contest and knew I couldn’t have any help with it.

In April, Mr. A. asked if I was going to enter the contest again, and I told him I was. When I saw Tanner in the school hallway, I asked him if he was going to enter again. He smiled and said he was, and he thought he would beat me again. “We’ll see about that,” I said, smiling to myself.

******

In May, I received an invitation to the newspaper luncheon for me and my parents. I replied that my mother and I would attend. As the day approached, I once again grew increasingly nervous and excited. I knew that my story was better than the one I had submitted the previous year, but I assumed that Tanner’s was better too, and I had no idea if he was a winner, nor who the third entrant was.

On the day of the luncheon, Mother and I arrived and were directed to a table where a girl and her parents were seated. We all introduced ourselves. The girl was Margaret Payson. She was in the eighth grade but not in our school.

Tanner and his parents arrived, and soon we were all eating and the others were chatting. As Tanner talked nearly nonstop, I was, as usual, rather silent.

When the meal was over and the adults had been served coffee, Mr. Scott stepped to the front of the room, microphone in hand. After he welcomed everyone, he began to announce the awards in the same order he had used the year before.

As I listened, I could feel my anxiety rising. Little chills ran up my back and my palms were sweaty. Finally, Mr. Scott got to the fiction awards. He announced that third place had gone to Margaret Payson. Tanner and I looked at each other. I could see he was enjoying the anticipation as much as I was, and he gave me a beautiful smile. I returned the smile weakly.

When Margaret had returned, Mr. Scott said, “Once again this year, the competition between first and second place was very close, and again it involved the same two boys who placed first and second last year.”

Again, Tanner and I looked at each other.

“This year second place goes to Tanner Anderson.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. Tanner went to the front, received his plaque and gave it to his mother. When he sat, he said quietly to me, “Congratulations, Greg.”

Mr. Scott said, “This year’s winner of the fiction award is Greg Browne, for his story, ‘Lost and Alone.’” I went to the front, my heart pounding. After all, in a sense I had worked all year for this moment. He shook my hand warmly and handed me the plaque, which I took back to the table and handed to my mother.

As we exited the room, we were handed copies of the next morning’s insert. Sure enough, there was my story on the front page. Tanner was right behind me. He took his copy and then patted me on the back. I couldn’t understand it, but he seemed genuinely happy for me.

When I got home, I called Mr. A. Of course he was excited for me. He said he would read the story in the morning and we could talk about it on Wednesday.

Monday morning I was still walking on air as I entered the school. Some of the kids congratulated me, and my English teacher was very effusive. I saw Tanner later in the morning. He smiled and said, “Are we on for next year?”

I actually grinned, which was rare for me, and replied that we certainly were.

Wednesday afternoon I walked into Mr. A.’s room. He rose from his desk and shook my hand warmly. “Well, Greg,” he said, “you’ve come a long way in a year and your story certainly deserved the prize. Let’s talk about it.”

We sat down and he took his paper insert. As he routinely did with my stories, he commented on several sentences which he especially liked, then went through the story picking out all the adjectives and adverbs I had used to express my feelings.

“What a change!” he exclaimed. “Now tell me, are you more able to share your feelings when you talk with other people?”

“No sir,” I said. “You’re the only person except Mother I can do that with. I still embarrass very easily and that sometimes leads to tears, which I desperately try to control, but I’m not always successful.”

“How about friends? Do you have any in school now?”

I thought before replying, “Not really. Usually I still eat alone in the lunchroom and most kids don’t talk to me. It’s not that they don’t like me, it’s just that they kind of ignore me. There are a few kids, all boys, I feel comfortable with even though I don’t say much to them. Then there’s Tanner. I don’t know what to make of him. When I won the award this year, he seemed pleased for me, but we almost never talk in school. If we pass each other in the hallways, we just nod or say hi and move on. So no, I don’t feel like I have any real friends.”

“Maybe that’s something you could work on next year.”

“I guess I could try, but I’m not even sure I need friends. I’m just comfortable with myself the way I am.” I knew that wasn’t really true, but I didn’t want to say to him that I was actually longing for friends.

“Okay, we can talk about that more in the fall. Meanwhile, have a good summer.”

I thanked him and left. Over the summer I sometimes thought about Mr. A. and what he had said about friends. Was there anyone in the school I really wanted for a friend? Having a friend meant sharing thoughts and feelings with them as well as doing things with them. Did I want that? I didn’t really know, but I believed that, if there was any boy I would like for a friend, it would be Tanner. I also knew he had all the friends he needed so I didn’t have a chance.

******

In the fall, I was an eighth grader. It felt good that, for once, there weren’t older kids in the school. Of course, that would change in high school. It seemed like in school, you worked your way up from youngest to oldest and then went back to being the youngest again. I supposed the same would be true even when I went to college.

Tanner and I were in English and history classes together that year. He seemed so confident in class. He raised his hand often and had no problems sharing his ideas or asking questions. As I watched him, my old feelings of jealousy returned. Why couldn’t I be more like that? Why was I such a wimp?

Mr. A. and I talked about that from time to time. I still shared my writing with him, but he also wanted to talk about friends and being braver in class. Finally, one day I said, “The trouble is, you want me to be someone I’m not. I don’t think I’ll ever be at ease speaking in class. I’ve tried a few times and I was really nervous. I’ve tried talking with kids, and that never went well because I didn’t seem to have anything to say. Sure, I’d like to have friends. I envy people like Tanner who are so comfortable with other kids and teachers. But that’s just not me.”

I promised him I’d keep trying, but I didn’t hold out much hope. Privately, I knew I was beginning to have a crush on Tanner, a hopeless crush, but it was there, and it didn’t go away. I began watching him in class and in the lunchroom. I was jealous of the friends he had. Occasionally he would look at me and catch me looking at him. I would quickly drop my eyes, but I couldn’t help looking up at him again.

One day in English, the teacher, Mrs. Murphy, asked me my opinion of Fagin in Oliver Twist. Without even thinking I blurted out, “I think he’s a stereotype. He’s a man who doesn’t really care about the boys; he just uses them. I think the musical of the story sugar coats him too much. He’s totally bad and we never see a truly good side of him.” As I said that last part, I realized my voice was fading away so my final words were barely audible.

I became painfully aware that everyone in the room, including Mrs. Murphy, was staring at me. I was achingly embarrassed, and I felt my face burning. I looked down at my desk and tried to control my tears.

“Gregory,” Mrs. Murphy said, “I believe you have a good insight. Why are you embarrassed about it? I’ve seen your good thinking in your written work, but are you aware that this is the first time you’ve ever offered an opinion or idea in class?”

I kept my head down and just nodded.

“I’d like to see you at the end of class for a moment.” She didn’t say it unkindly, so I decided she wasn’t unhappy with me.

“Now, class,” she continued, “what do others think?”

At first the room was silent, but then Tanner said, “I think Greg is right. I hadn’t thought about it like that before, but Fagin is a bas…” He stopped and then said, “Sorry. He’s an evil man.”

The discussion continued as others supported my idea. When the class left the room at the end of class, I remained at my desk. Mrs. Murphy came and sat on the desk next to me. That was a bit surprising, because we weren’t permitted to sit on the desks. I guess the rules for teachers were different.

“Gregory,” she asked, “can you tell me why you are so reluctant to speak in class? Did you have bad experiences doing that? Did other kids laugh at you or did a teacher embarrass you?”

Without looking at her, I said, “No, ma’am, it’s just the way I am. I’m not comfortable with sharing my ideas. I don’t know why. I usually can’t do it.” I looked up. “Today was a surprise even for me.”

“Well, I’m very glad you did it. Did you see the expressions on the other students’ faces?”

“No, ma’am, I was looking down at my desk.”

“They were as surprised as I was. Did you hear the support you got for your thinking?”

Very quietly I murmured, “Yes, ma’am.” 

“Okay. I hope that will encourage you to speak up more in class. In your writing you always have worthwhile things to say, and I’ve been wishing that your classmates could hear your ideas.”

I nodded and then looked up at her. “Thank you, ma’am. I don’t know if I can do that, but I’ll try.”

After that day, Mrs. Murphy often called on me in class, even when I hadn’t raised my hand. Sometimes she asked me to share an idea I had written. Sometimes she just blindsided me, but she was never unkind. I got so I could speak in that class, although I still couldn’t in any of my others.

The next time I saw Mr. A., I told him what had happened in English class. He nodded and then asked, “Greg, I’ve been thinking. Why do you think you’re so shy and nervous?”

“I have no idea. I wish I knew.”

“Well, you know there’s a basic question about human behavior that asks how much in a person is nature and how much is nurture. If we apply that to your situation, the question would be are you shy because you were born shy or are you shy because things have happened to you that make you cautious? What do you think?”

“I don’t know. Is a person born shy? I can’t answer that.”

“Personally, I don’t believe that people are born outgoing or shy or brave or timid. I believe things happen to them when they’re young, probably very young, which affect the way they see themselves and the way they react to others. Humor me for a minute and accept what I just said as a given. In that case, you weren’t born shy or timid. Some things happened to you which made you that way. What do you suppose those things might be?”

I just shrugged my shoulders. What could have happened to me that made me the way I am? I didn’t know.

After some silence he went on, “Think about that question for a while. Look at your relationships to the people around you, all the people around you. We’ll talk about it again next week.”

Then our attention turned to a fantasy story I was writing. At home that night, as I lay in bed, I wondered about his question. All the people around me he had said. So who was around me? I thought about when I was little and began school. I knew I was already shy and timid by then. Was I born that way or did something happen to me when I was little?

I thought about that every night until Saturday, when suddenly, at supper, a light bulb went off in my head like the ones you see in comics when a character has an idea. Of course, I thought, Father! He had never praised me. He had always belittled my efforts to play sports even though I hated them and was terrible at them. He had joked about me with my brothers. Was that what happened? Was that what made me the way I am? I never thought he was intentionally mean to me, but somehow I always cringed when he looked my way. And what about my brothers? Except for Carlton, they copied him.

What if I wasn’t born that way? Did that mean I could change? The more I thought about it the more I grew determined to try.

In the lunchroom on Monday, I hesitated and then went to a table which had several boys at it. Haltingly, I asked if I could sit there. They agreed and made room for me. As I sat and listened to their chatter, I began to feel more comfortable. I didn’t speak unless someone asked me a question, but I knew that I could speak if I wanted to and they would accept me.

I realized that most middle school boys weren’t mean. They weren’t bullies. They were willing to accept me if I would reach out. Of course, that was very difficult for me, but I resolved to keep trying.

We didn’t have assigned seats in English, so that afternoon, for the first time, I sat next to Tanner. We both said hi and that was all we could say before class began, but it felt like a comfortable hi.

Since I was in the eighth grade and turning 15, I wondered if my crush on Tanner meant that I was gay. I knew that sometimes younger boys had crushes on each other, but it seemed to me that, by the time they were my age, they had become interested in girls. I certainly wasn’t, but I really didn’t want to be gay. That would just add another problem to my list of worries.

The next time I saw Mr. A. I told him my thoughts about Father. I told him about the lunch and my trying to fit in more. Of course, I didn’t tell him about my crush on Tanner. That was just too private. He smiled and asked if I thought Father hated me.

“No, I don’t think so. I believe he just doesn’t understand me. He doesn’t understand someone who isn’t good at sports, who would rather sit in his room and daydream and write. I think he’s been trying to make me into his image of what I should be and it’s just not working.”

“Have you ever said anything to him about it?”

“Goodness, no!” I exclaimed. “I’d never have the courage to do that.”

“Maybe someday you should.” After that we went on with my story.

Tanner and I did not become friends. I never suggested it because I knew I couldn’t compete with the friends he already had. But I did keep watching him, and I became aware that he was watching me. I wondered what that meant.

******

In March I began a story for the newspaper competition. It was different from anything I had ever written before, and if the judges wanted feelings and emotions, they could certainly find them in the story.

When I finally thought the story was as good as I could make it, I submitted it to the newspaper. Tanner and I did not discuss our stories, but we knew that this would be our last year of the competition before we grew too old.

In May, I received the invitation to the luncheon, and I made reservations for me and Mother.

The luncheon followed the same pattern as the prior two. Tanner and I sat at a table with another boy, Walter, a seventh grader, and our parents sat on the other side of the table. Tanner sat between me and Walter and kept up a steady stream of conversation as we ate. As usual, I said little.

When Mr. Scott began to announce the awards, I felt the usual tension rising and I realized that I liked the feeling. It was expectation; it was anticipation; and it was physical. I looked at Tanner and caught him looking at me. We both smiled and looked away.

When the fiction awards were announced, Walter won third place and was congratulated by Mr. Scott, who said he hoped the boy would enter again the next year.

Tanner turned to me and said, “Here we go again.”

I nodded but didn’t say anything.

In the front of the room, Mr. Scott made much of the fact that the two of us were back for the third time. He said that the selection had again been very difficult. Then he said, “Winning the award for second place is Tanner Anderson.” I’m sure my heart actually did flips in my chest.

When Tanner returned with his award, he said to me, “Congratulations again,” and grinned.

Mr. Scott then said, “The winning entry this year is unlike any we’ve received before. It tells about a middle school boy who was shy and withdrawn but who wanted a friend. Unfortunately, the boy he chose for a friend seemed out of reach, as that boy was outgoing and had many friends. I won’t tell you how the story ends, but I encourage you to read it.

“The winner for this year is Gregory Browne.”

For once, I really grinned as I walked up to receive my plaque. Back at the table I gave the plaque to Mother, who embarrassed me by standing and giving me a hug, right there in public. Yes, I was embarrassed, but the hug felt really good. I couldn’t remember the last time she’d done that.

As we exited the room, Tanner smiled, patted my back, and said, “I’ll see you Monday.” I nodded and went with Mother.

At dinner that night, Mother embarrassed me again. After the usual talk about my brothers’ latest sports activities, Mother said, “Tanner won an award today and it’s the third time he’s won.” Then she passed the plaque around the table. My brothers didn’t say anything and Father, after reading it, only grunted.

Mother wouldn’t let it go. She looked at Father and asked, “Is that all you can say? He’s been the best writer in the area for the last two years.”

Father looked at me and grudgingly said, “Congratulations,” then returned to his meal.

That was one of the few times I’d heard Mother confront Father, but it wasn’t the last.

After supper I went to my room as usual and began my homework. About 10 o’clock, I heard angry voices coming from downstairs. Well, really it was only one voice—Mother’s. She was loud and she sounded irate. She continued for nearly half an hour. Occasionally, Father tried to say something, but she just overrode him. I couldn’t make out her words, and I had no idea why she was so upset. Was it about me or had something different set her off? At last she stopped and the house grew totally silent.

I stewed about Father’s reaction to Mother’s announcement at the supper table that night and all the following day. Finally, I decided I had to say something to him, even though I knew it would take all my courage. I asked to talk with him privately after supper that evening. He looked surprised and, I thought, a little rueful, but he agreed.

We met in his office. He sat behind his desk and asked what I wanted.

I had been going over and over what I wanted to say, but I was very nervous, so it was difficult to actually say it.

Finally, I said, “Father, why is it that you praise Malcolm and Warren when they achieve something, but you never praise me?”

He didn’t respond.

“Is it because you only value sports and don’t value learning?”

Still he said nothing.

“Father,” I persisted, “I worked darned hard on that story and on the others I wrote. I won first prize, but all you could do was grunt.”

I was quiet for a few moments, but then I continued in a quieter voice, “Father, I don’t think you hate me, I’ve never thought that, but I don’t think you understand me. I don’t think you know that I need praise just like my brothers. I don’t think you understand that I work hard in school, that I’m smart, and that I do very well. I don’t think you care about that or about me at all.” By then I was crying, almost sobbing.

Silence.

At last he said, “Gregory, I should have seen this coming after your mother chewed me out last night. You’re right. I don’t hate you, but I don’t understand you. I never have. I don’t understand why a growing boy doesn’t like sports. And I certainly don’t understand a son of mine who reads and writes stories and who likes school. All that is just foreign to me.”

I was quiet. I wasn’t going to let him off the hook.

“Are you angry with me like your mother is?”

I hadn’t expected that, but through my tears I answered, “Yes. I think it’s your treatment of me that’s made me shy and timid and often afraid. I don’t think I was born that way; I believe it happened because of the way you treated me.”

He nodded. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should read your story. Maybe I should be a better father to you, but I don’t know how.”

We were both quiet for what seemed like a long time. At last he said, “I’m sorry.”

Again we were silent. Then he asked, “What can I do to make it up to you?”

“You can start by showing some interest in me. Yes, read my story, and last year’s that also won first place. Try talking to me like you cared. Try taking an interest in my education. I guess it won’t be easy for you, but it hasn’t been easy for me for the last 15 years. All I ask is that you try.”

He sighed and replied very quietly, “I will.” Then he stood, came around his desk, and offered me his hand. I took it and he pulled me to him, hugging me hard. As he held me, he said, “Until last night, I had no idea. I will try.” As I dried my tears, we left office together.

******

At school on Monday, Tanner met me at the front door. “We need to talk,” he said. “Can you come to my house after school?”

I was surprised. I had no idea why he wanted to talk with me, but he looked very serious, more serious than I had ever seen him. I had never been to his house and I didn’t have any idea where he lived. I told him I’d check with Mother and let him know later. As usual, I sat next to him in English class, but we just said our usual hi to each other.

The school had a rule about not using cellphones anywhere but at lunch, so I couldn’t call Mother until then. All morning I wondered about Tanner’s invitation and what he wanted. Mother gave me permission and said that if I needed a ride home, she would pick me up. At the beginning of gym class, I told Tanner I could go to his house and he told me to meet him outside the school on the front steps.

After school, we met as arranged and went to his bus. We talked a little during the ride, but I could tell he had something on his mind that he didn’t want to discuss until we got to his house.

The bus dropped us off and we walked the block-and-a-half to his house. It was bigger than mine and quite impressive. When we went in, we both said hi to his mother and then Tanner directed me upstairs to his bedroom. He motioned me to sit on his desk chair while he sat on his bed. I looked at him quizzically.

“Greg,” he began very seriously, “I think you cheated on the newspaper contest.”

I froze. How could I have cheated? Did he think I had gotten some help writing my story?

He went on, “I don’t think that what you wrote was fiction. I think it was autobiographical.”

Ah. I understood him. I thought for a moment and then said, “It was partly that, but most of the events were fictional. After all, don’t authors use their own experiences when they write?”

He nodded, still looking very serious. But then he broke into gales of laughter. When he calmed down some, he said, “I couldn’t keep that up any longer. Of course it’s fiction, but it’s also about you isn’t it?”

I was relieved and I couldn’t deny what he had said.

Becoming more serious again, he went on, “Furthermore, I think the boy your character wanted as a friend is actually me.”

Busted! Did I want to tell him? At last I nodded.

“Why haven’t you said anything?” he asked.

“You know me well enough to know I was too shy to say anything.”

He smiled his beautiful smile before saying, “Let me tell you something. In your story you say I have lots of friends because you always see me with a bunch of boys. Greg, those aren’t friends, they’re acquaintances. A friend is someone you share things with. You do things together, like going to the movies, or working on homework together. You share your ideas and feelings together. I don’t do that with any of those boys. I’ve wanted to have a real friend for so long, and to be honest, I’ve wanted that friend to be you.

“Oh, I know. I think at first we were jealous of each other. Sometimes I wished I could be more private. I saw you being that way and I actually envied you. I think you were jealous of my being with the boys and maybe you were jealous of my winning the story prize in sixth grade. But I got over the jealousy, and I began to see that you were hurting. I was so happy when you won the prize last year. I hoped it would make a difference for you, but it didn’t seem to. I was happy for you when you finally spoke up in English class, and I was happy for you when you won the prize this year.

“I read your story and the one from last year, which I kept. I decided you’re really a better writer than I am, so I envy you that a bit, but I’m not jealous. I just want to be your friend.”

My heart was pounding, but I was puzzled, so I asked him, “You asked me why I didn’t say anything before, but why didn’t you?”

“Because I was afraid you wouldn’t want to be my friend. Oh, I saw you looking at me, but I had no idea what those looks meant.”

I blurted out, “God, I wish we’d said something a long time ago.”

He laughed and then turned serious again before saying, “Okay, I’m gonna be really brave here and I hope I don’t make you angry.”

What now? I wondered.

“Greg, I thought I saw just a couple of little clues in your story that you might…” He paused and took a deep breath. “That you might be gay.”

Shit! I thought. Was that in the story? I certainly didn’t mean it to be, and I hoped that other people hadn’t seen that as well.

He was looking at me for my reaction, and he looked very worried. I’ve had 15 years of experience hiding my reactions. For a long time I didn’t answer.

After a wait while we both gathered our thoughts, he couldn’t hold back any longer and asked, “Well?”

At last I said, “Yeah, I think maybe I am, although I’ve not really had a chance to test that out.”

Looking very relieved, he patted the bed beside him, saying, “Greg, come and sit beside me.”

By then I was in a cold sweat and my heart was jumping around like a frog inside me. Finally, I went and sat beside him.

“Greg,” he said, “I’m gay, and I guess that’s the reason I haven’t made any real friends at school. I enjoy them but I try to keep a distance between me and them. I’m tired of that distance. Greg, will you be my friend?”

He took my hand and then, completely surprising me, he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. “Maybe we’ll just be friends,” he said, “and that’s okay with me. Maybe, as we get to know each other, we’ll be more than friends. I would certainly like that. But I think we need to go slow and learn about each other bit by bit.”

I nodded, but I couldn’t help what I did next. I leaned over and kissed him—on the lips.

When we broke the kiss, he held me close. Looking into my eyes, he asked, “Do you think you could sleep over here next weekend? You can see I have two beds, so we don’t need to do anything, but I want to spend time with you. Would you do that?”

Although I had never had a sleepover before, I agreed. Neither one of us had any idea what this friendship would lead to. Maybe nothing; maybe a lot. But we both felt ready to take the first steps.

Mother came and picked me up. I asked her about a sleepover. Since I had never been on one before, she looked surprised but then nodded and said, “Of course.”

For the rest of the week, I was again floating on air. I sat at Tanner’s lunch table and got to know his friends better, even though he had said they weren’t real friends. I guess ‘friends’ can mean more than one thing.

On Friday, I dug out Carlton’s old sports bag and packed pajamas, my toothpaste and toothbrush, spare clothing, and, of course, a book. At school, I put the bag in my locker to retrieve at the end of the day.

I was so excited I don’t think I learned a thing in class all day. My mind was elsewhere.

At the end of school, Tanner and I rode the bus to his house. Between us, hidden by our legs, we held hands.

And that’s the end of my story, most of which is very much like the story I had submitted to the newspaper.

Continue reading..

Information The Last Act
Posted by: WMASG - 12-26-2025, 11:02 AM - No Replies

Michael was born in May, 1938, which proved to be the perfect time for a white, Anglo-Saxon boy to be born in a northeastern American suburb. True, there was a World War beginning. True, the Depression was continuing. But in his little corner of the world, he knew nothing of these events. In time, he became aware of the war, and as he grew older, he learned of rationing and the little flags in the windows of families whose sons had gone off to war.
But the war meant little to him. He had friends, he enjoyed playing, and the seriousness of events had not yet penetrated his mind. His parents worked to protect him and his siblings from the grimness of life. They subscribed to Life magazine, with its horrifying pictures of the war, but they hid the magazine from their children.
Michael’s father worked for a bank which never closed during the Depression. He was able to support his growing family and was even quietly planning to send all four children to college. They would be the first in the family to go.
Michael’s mother loved her children and raised them with a combination of caring and discipline. She bought their clothes and their food. She employed a live-in maid, an African American woman with her own family which she saw once a week on her day off. Until much later, Michael was unaware that she had a family.
Michael was the youngest of four children. His sister Jennifer was ten years older than him. His brother Mark was six years older, and his brother David was 4 years older. David always maintained that there were three disasters in 1938. One was that Michael’s siblings all had whooping cough. The second was the hurricane of ’38, and the third was the birth of Michael. Perhaps David didn’t appreciate being usurped as the baby of the family.
Michael was a beautiful child. He had golden curls on his head and a face that was beyond cute. Often when people first met him, they thought he was a girl.
Michael’s aunt, his mother’s sister, was very interested in early childhood education and owned a small school in town. It was in a large house on the main street, and it had a multi-car garage referred to as ‘the barn’ with a loft which was finished and heated and used for the older classes. Behind the barn were some sheds which stored play equipment.
Michael began attending the school in the January before he turned two, but his earliest memories of the school were of when he was a toddler. There was a large room which contained, among other things, wooden blocks and a little slide. On the wall was a cartoon-like whale being caught with a line by a man in a boat. He later realized that the room wasn’t nearly as large as he originally thought and was probably the living room of the house.
As a toddler he attended school three days a week. When he was a little older, he began attending five days a week. Two of those days, Tuesdays and Thursdays, were short days, when the children were dismissed at noon. On the other three days they ate lunch at the school, a delicious hot lunch which grew even better after rationing ended. On those days, the children had a rest period after lunch. Folding cots were placed in the room, and the children had their own blankets.
At dismissal time, the children sat outside on benches lining the porch of the building. Cars snaked up the driveway until they reached the porch, where a teacher called out the names of the children being picked up in the cars.
Michael spent his first years at the school mostly playing, but often the play was quietly led by a teacher in a way that honed the social skills of the children. The three other boys his age in the room became his fast friends, and in his way, he loved them.
The school gave a Christmas pageant each year. The pageant was always the same although the children played different roles as they grew. For his first years, he was a villager. As he grew older, he became a shepherd, and then a donkey, and in his final year ─ third grade − a wise man.
One of Michael’s earliest memories was attending his family’s Congregational church in the city. It was a large, stone building, and he was fascinated by the big rose window. His family always sat with his grandmother. After the Children’s Talk, the little ones processed behind the American flag and the church flag out of the sanctuary and into the Sunday school rooms. It was always a proud day for Michael when he got to carry one of the flags.
When he was in first and second grade, he had a kind teacher who spoke with a southern accent. It took him a little time to learn to understand her, but when he did, he grew to love her. Occasionally, she gave him a ride home in her yellow Buick, which she named Eggnog or Eggie.
Michael’s siblings had all attended the school. There was a time when the school went through sixth grade, but as it became more difficult to find teachers and to pay them a living wage, older grades were gradually dropped. So it was that for Michael and his friends, third grade was their final year in the school. As a leaving present, the school gave each child a ballpoint pen, the first that they had seen. It turned out that his pen often leaked, smearing Michael’s hands with ink, but he treasured it for years.
Michael had a friend, Peter, who lived on the same street. In fourth grade they began attending the same neighborhood public school. The school was only two blocks away, so the boys always walked. They were able to walk home for lunch and then return for the afternoon session. Occasionally, there was a day when Michael’s mother wouldn’t be home, and he would walk to Peter’s house for lunch.
Fortunately for Michael, his mother finally had his hair cut, and while he still retained some curls, nobody called him a girl anymore.
Sometimes on the way home after school, he sang aloud. He sang songs he’d learned at school, but he also sang ones he made up as he went along. He even pretended to sing in foreign languages, which he also made up. Unbeknownst to him, he was well known among his neighbors for his singing.
By fifth grade, Michael had discovered the pleasures of fondling himself. Of course, he didn’t orgasm, but he loved the sensations he was having.
He developed a crush on his fifth-grade teacher, Mrs. Holden, and in later years he decided that fifth grade was his favorite school year. He was still a child with no hormones pushing him towards puberty, and he was knowledgeable enough to be able to learn from reading in his history and science books.
By sixth grade, his hormones had begun to affect him. He found himself having erections at odd and sometimes embarrassing moments. He discovered that Peter had likewise experienced both erections and the joys of fondling himself, and they began doing it together, usually in either Michael’s or Peter’s bedroom.
Self-masturbation moved on to become mutual masturbation, and soon the boys couldn’t get enough of it, even though neither one had yet reached a climax.
Michael had been spotted by a local talent agent who found young people for advertisements. Michael was cute and began to model for photos for local businesses ─ a tire dealership, a furniture store, a toy store, and even for Peter’s father’s Cadillac dealership.
There was an amateur theater group in town which recruited Michael when they needed a boy in one of their plays, and he discovered a love of acting.
One day, as the boys lay side by side on a bed, Peter rolled over so that he was on top of Michael. He began sliding up and down, grinding his friend. Suddenly, he felt the need to urinate. He leapt up and ran for the bathroom, but by the time he got there, the feeling was gone.
Michael was unhappy that Peter had left so abruptly, but Peter explained what had happened. They both wondered about it.
Further grinding on subsequent days led to the recurrence of the feeling. Peter decided that it was not a sign of a full bladder. Instead, it was a wonderful, new sensation which captivated him.
Michael was a little behind Peter in his maturation, but only by a couple of months. Soon, their grinding rewarded them both with dry climaxes.
Then came the day when Peter first produced cum. It was only a little, but he knew from a book his mother had given him called Being Born what the liquid was. It wasn’t long before both Peter and Michael were shooting loads of cum, both together in their afternoon explorations and alone at night.
Peter discovered that, by looking at himself in the mirror, he could make himself climax without touching himself.
Meanwhile, Michael discovered that he was flexible enough to bend over and take his member in his mouth. That was a whole new and thrilling sensation. He tried to teach Peter, but his friend wasn’t as flexible, so he did the next best thing and took Peter in his mouth. Thereafter, oral sex was a frequent occurrence.
The boys spent long, happy days together in the summers. They played baseball in a vacant lot behind Michael’s house. He had discovered that he enjoyed running, so when they went to a park to join a soccer or touch football game, he jogged the two miles to the park while Peter rode his bicycle.
The first time Michael ran beside Peter, his friend asked him why he was running and not riding his bike.
“I just love to run,” replied Michael, who wasn’t even winded when they arrived at the park. Peter eventually accepted that his friend was a very good runner.
When they were in seventh grade in junior high, Michael and Peter often walked in the hallways with their arms around each other’s shoulders. Occasionally they received odd stares, but nobody ever said anything.
The town began to hold occasional sports days at the park. Michael not only ran to the park, he won the quarter mile race and anchored the last leg of the mile relay, which his team won.
A day came in the summer after their seventh-grade year that Michael announced to Peter that he wouldn’t be available for a while. He said he would be working on ‘a project’. When Peter asked about it, Michael replied, “I can’t say. It’s a secret.”
When they did get together, Michael seemed tired and not as playful as he usually was. He wouldn’t tell Peter what he was doing, but he did mention that a man was helping him . . . a lot.
Peter mentioned this one time to his mother when she asked why she hadn’t seen much of Michael. She wondered if there was something not above board going on between Michael and the man.
In those days, children were not taught about the dangers of being with unknown men. Peter had been told in a general way not to go with strange men or accept gifts from them. He was also told to stay out of public rest rooms. But he was naïve as a 14-year-old and made no connection between the warnings and his friend spending time with an unknown man.
It was toward the end of that summer when Michael announced that he was finally nearly finished with his project and could then tell Peter about it.
On a night soon after that, a car pulled up to the side of country road. The driver turned off the motor, got out, and opened the back door. 
“Get out,” he ordered.
Michael slowly climbed out of the car. The man grabbed him firmly by the arm and led him down an embankment and into a field. Michael stumbled slowly, hesitantly, through the meadow. He was sobbing. The nearly full moon shone brightly in the sky. The grass was wet, and the boy felt the dampness through his sneakers. He wore shorts and no shirt. The man behind him shoved him forward. Michael’s hands were tied behind his back, and the rope tied to his ankles hobbled him. Tears ran down his cheeks.
“Kneel,” the man ordered.
“P . . . P . . . Please don’t,” the boy stammered.
“Kneel,” the man repeated, pushing the boy, causing him to fall face down. He pulled the boy up until he was kneeling.
“No . . . No . . .” the boy pleaded.
He felt the barrel of the gun against the back of his head.
“Say your prayers,” ordered the man.
“No . . . No . . . Please! I d . . . don’t want to die!”
There was a brief silence, and then a voice called, “Cut . . . . That’s a wrap.”
The man stuck the pistol in his belt, helped Michael up, and untied his ankles and hands.
“Good, work, Michael,” said another man coming over to him.
“But that’s not the end of the movie,” Michael said.
“No,” the man replied, “you know that we don’t shoot the scenes in order. You’ll see how it works when you watch the movie.”
“When can I see it?” asked Michael.
“Oh, we have a lot of work to do yet – editing, adding music, dubbing in the sound, all the things that make the final product. When it’s ready, I’ll give you a call and you and your family can watch a private showing.”
“Can I bring a friend?”
“Sure, as many as you want.”
“Thanks,” Michael said. He turned and walked back to the road. The man who had played his captor gave him a ride home.
Michael had grown to really like the man, but he knew that the man would be returning to California.
When the car pulled up to Michael’s house, he gave the man a big hug.
“I’ll miss you,” he said.
“Well, if the movie’s a success, you may well get some work in Hollywood,” the man replied.
Michael went into his house, said hi to his parents, and told them his job was finished. He went upstairs to his room, stripped off his clothes, and took a relaxing shower.
He was exhausted. He fell into bed and lay for a moment smiling. He was asleep before he even had time to pleasure himself.
It was several months later when Michael learned that the film was ready for showing. A theater was rented in town, and he was told he could invite his friends to the show.
The night of the viewing, the theater was packed with school kids and their parents.
They watched, spellbound, as the story unfolded. It began with Michael being followed by a man who grabbed him, threw him into a car, and drove away. For most of the film, the man held a naked Michael in a locked, windowless room. It showed the man entering the room and the audience heard Michael screaming.
Other scenes included a detective trying to find the missing boy and distraught actors playing Michael’s parents in various stages of fear and anxiety.
Towards the end of the movie, as Michael was led out into a field, there wasn’t a sound in the theater. Michael knelt on the ground and pleaded, “No . . . Please! I d . . . don’t want to die!” as the man put the gun to the back of the boy’s head. The viewers became aware of sirens and police cars pulling up on the road, blue lights flashing. The man who had been threatening Michael began to stand and turn when he was met by a volley of bullets and fell to the ground. The audience cheered.
During the reception after the viewing, Michael said to the director, “Now I see how the whole thing fits together. It didn’t really make sense to me until now.”
Michael was a star at school for a few days, until routines returned and all the students settled into their work.
One afternoon, as Peter and Michael were lying on Peter’s bed, he said, “Wow. Now I’ve had sex with a movie star.”
Michael giggled. “I’m no star,” he replied. “At least not until the reviews come out.”
“You’re a star to me, and you always will be,” said Peter. He rolled on top of his friend and kissed him lovingly on the lips.
Michael reached up and began to peel off Peter’s shirt.
Soon they were lying naked and grinding, their excitement rising.
When they finished, they kissed again, and Peter produced tissues to clean themselves off.
They lay silently, side by side, knowing that this might be the last time they were together, for Michael was leaving in the morning for Los Angeles and Hollywood, where he would make a new movie.
When Peter announced that he had to go home for supper, they stood and dressed. At the front door, they exchanged one last, bittersweet kiss.
Peter walked home slowly, wondering if he would ever see Michael again.
Slowly, Michael made his way back to his room and lay down on his bed, tears running down his cheeks.
His last thought before he drifted off to sleep was, “God, I love him. It was so great while it lasted.”

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Information Tzoskan
Posted by: WMASG - 12-26-2025, 11:00 AM - No Replies

Tzoskan carefully drained the blood from the rabbit and skinned the carcass. He put the pelt aside to deal with later. He set the entrails apart and thrust the spit lengthwise through the body, then placed it over his fire. He tossed the heart and liver to his waiting dog, Chraski, who grabbed thetreats hungrily and bolted it down. As the rabbit cooked, the boy slowly turned the spit, exposing all sides equally to the fire.
When the rabbit was done, he removed it from the fire, and cutting it in pieces with his knife, ate each piece slowly, savoring the flavor.
Although young (he had seen only ten winters), he had shot the rabbit with a single arrow, piercing its heart.
The children in his tribe wore no clothes in the summer until they reached puberty, and even then, they only wore a loincloth. And so, in his early summers, Tzoskan wore nothing. His bare feet grew very tough. In the winters he wore a warm cloak and deer-hide boots which his mother fashioned for him from the pelts his father brought home. As she worked, she taught her son how to make neat stitches. At first he was very clumsy when trying to stitch the sinew, but as he practiced, he grew more adept.
The hut they lived in was built by placing saplings vertically in a circle and bending them so they formed a dome over which deer hides were stretched. Tzoskan’s father showed him how to build the hut and make repairs when needed.
When he was a very small boy, he began to call his penis his pisser because of the sound made by his urine splashing on dried leaves. He was very fond of it, and he often stroked it. Sometimes it got hard and poked forward. He didn’t know why. His mother told him that, when he was old enough, he would use it to make babies, but he had no understanding of how that would happen.
After Tzoskan’s fourth winter, his father began to take the boy hunting with him. He made a child-sized bow and small arrows for the boy. Then he taught his son how to shoot. Tzoskan was an avid, fast learner, and by the end of the summer he had already brought home a few rabbits.
Tzoskan’s mother had taught him how to prepare an animal for cooking and how to work the hides for clothing. Tzoskan was very proud the first time his family ate the meat which he had killed, skinned, and cooked.
His father showed him how to track deer and elk but told him it would be several winters before he was big enough to slay and bring home the larger animals. He cautioned him never to take on a bear, for they were dangerous, especially when wounded or protecting their cubs. If he got one angry, he would not be able to outrun it, so it was best to leave them alone.
Living closely in the hut with his parents, Tzoskan became aware of his parents mating as he listened to them at night. The sighs and groans he heard sounded to him as though mating wasn’t much fun. He later realized how wrong he was.
It seemed to Tzoskan that every year his mother had a baby. While they did not all survive their first year, by the time he had reached his tenth winter he had six brothers and sisters. When he was young, he didn’t realize the connection between his parents’ mating and his mother having babies, but as he grew older and observed not only his parents but also the mating animals of the wild, he figured out what their coupling caused.
His family lived with a small group of people who called themselves the Dasnvoli, which meant ‘the people’ in their language. While they lived like a tribe, they were not all related. They were simply a collection of families who lived together for protection. The people of the tribe were amazed at Tzoskan’s skills. Other children tried to imitate him, but none were as successful until they were much older.
From his earliest days toddling around the little village, Tzoskan played with the other children. He was very sociable and loved by everyone in the tribe. His particular friend was a boy named Agsac. They spent hours together every day. Their favorite pastimes were pretending to hunt, playing in a nearby stream, and throwing and catching a small, squirrel-hide ball which Tzoskan’s father had made for them.
As they grew older, Tzoskan taught Agsac what his father had shared about hunting. Agsac’s father made him a small bow, and soon they were hunting together. They were not competitive and shared all their kills.
One day, when the boys were hunting, they were joined by a dog from the tribe. The dog adopted Tzoskan, and the boy named him Chraski, which meant Fierce Hunter. Chraski was anything but fierce, but he enjoyed hunting with Tzzoskan and Agsac and soon proved his worth as a retriever.
There was a white-man’s town a two-and-a-half-day walk from the Dasnvoli, but the people of the town never bothered them. Occasionally, someone from the tribe would walk to the town to obtain things they needed, using some of the pelts from their hunting to barter for items. Since they had no source of metal, most of the items they obtained were metal ─ pots, pans, knives, and occasionally an axe.
In the year of Tzoskan’s sixth winter, his father brought him a knife from the town. The knife had a handle made from an antler, and a blade a little longer than the boy’s hand. He wore it proudly every day, tucked into a belt made from a squirrel pelt.
In the spring after Tzoskan’s eleventh winter, his father went to the town to purchase a new iron pan. Tzoskan had begged to go with him, but the man wanted him to stay at home and protect his mother and siblings, because a woman alone was sometimes in danger.
The man returned a week later, and a few days after that his skin broke out in a red, very itchy rash. There was an ancient man among the Dasnvoli who was known as a healer. Tzoskan’s father went to the man, who refused to see him, saying that there was nothing he could do and that the man would either live or die.
His father’s temperature soared, and three days later he was dead.
A funeral pyre was built by the people, but none would touch the man to put him onto the pyre, so the boy and his family carried him out, placed him on the pyre, and set it blazing. They watched, sitting and clutching each other, until there was no more fire.
Unfortunately, a week later, the boy’s mother and brothers and sisters began vomiting and soon broke out in the same rash. When they died, the boy laid them on a deerskin and dragged them out of the hut to where the pyre had been. Scavenging in the woods, he found enough fallen wood to build another pyre. He sat together with Chraski, tears pouring down, as he watched his family burn. He and the dog were soon joined by Agsac, who hugged his friend to him as they sat together.
Strangely, Tzoskan himself never got the rash.
Agsac, who had been talking with the healer, advised Tzoskan to burn the family’s hut. The two boys removed some items from the hut and placed them outside in the sun. Together, they set the hut alight and watched with Chraski as it was consumed.
Then they set about building a new hut. Tzoskan had learned from his father how the hut was constructed, and before winter set in, he was living in his new home.
Other families invited Tzoskan to live with them, but he preferred to remain with Charski and his memories in his own hut.
Agsac began to live with them, at first to give his friend comfort but later simply to be with his friend and his dog. He became interested in what the old healer was able to do with his herbs and plants. He went to the man and asked to learn from him. The man, knowing he had little time left and believing that the Dasnvoli would need a new healer, agreed to teach the boy. Each day after that the old man and Agsac could be seen gathering herbs and leaves, combining them in various ways, mashing them together, and then adding a bit of water to the mixtures. These they shared with people who came to them with various ills ─ coughs, headaches, chills, and vomiting. The boy learned quickly and in time he was nearly the equal of the old man.
The two boys continued to live with each other, although Agsac went off to the old man during the day while Tzoskan hunted with Chraski.
The next winter, Tzoskan’s and Agsac’s twelfth, the old man died, and Agsac became the new healer for the Dasnvoli. Sometimes someone would come to the boys’ hut in the night, seeking a cure. Agsac never turned them away. He listened carefully to what they said and then usually gave them a remedy for their ailment. Like his mentor, Agsac never sought to profit from his skills, using them generously for the good of the tribe.
By spring, the two boys were hunting together each day. Chraski joined them on their hunts and became expert at flushing prey from the tall grasses. When one of the boys shot a duck in a nearby pond, Chraski dived in, took the bird in his teeth, and returned to the boys. When he deposited the duck at the boys’ feet, he seemed to be smiling. The boys cleaned and prepared their kills, cooking the meat over their fire and tossing hearts and livers to the dog.
Tzoskan decided that it was time for him to use an adult’s bow and arrows, so he began to practice with the ones his father had used. At first he found it hard to draw the big bow, but as he persisted, he grew stronger and more accurate with his arrows.
At night they slept on a hide lying on the ground. When it was cold, they covered themselves with a deer or elk hide and snuggled together, sharing their warmth. The snuggling led to physical feelings which they didn’t understand but which they enjoyed. As they grew older, they discovered that when they were gratifying those feelings, they shot a milky liquid from their pissers. The feelings were so intense that they sought them night after night and sometimes during the day.
During their thirteenth winter, they observed that hair began to grow on different parts of their bodies, although they never had hair on their torsos.
Their bond grew stronger and stronger. Though they had begun wearing loincloths during the day, their hard bulges made it very evident that they had passed into adolescence.
The villagers never said anything, although occasionally a young child asked what the bulges were.
The boys simply told the children it was a grown-up matter and not to bother them.
It was the custom within the tribe that when a boy had lived for 14 or 15 winters he took a mate. Girls were eligible as soon as they began their bleeding. This custom began to put pressure on the boys.
The boys knew the custom, but they had no interest in following it. Girls didn’t appeal to them, although several girls tried. As far as the two boys were concerned, they were mates, but it took some time for the tribe to accept the fact. However, sex between men was not discouraged, and such men became honored in the tribe as having special attributes. And so it happened that the older the boys became, the more they were honored by the Dasnvoli.
In addition to using the pond to hunt ducks, Tzaskan and Agsac joined the children who swam in it, removing their loincloths to enjoy the water. Often, Chraski also jumped in.
One day, when the boys were hunting, they found a tree which showed large claw marks. Chraski was very interested in the tree, and he snuffled all around it, growling. The boys wondered what sort of an animal made the marks. When they asked among the village men, they were told that the marks were made by a bear sharpening its claws.
Tzoskan remembered what his father had said about avoiding bears. He told Agsac his father’s warning, and after that they became more careful of where they went when they hunted.
The bear never bothered the little village, and in time the boys forgot about it.
The summer after his thirteenth winter, Tzoskan killed his first deer. Chraski was very excited and bounced around the body, barking, leaping at it, trying to bite into it. The deer was too heavy for the boys to carry, so they fetched a hide from their hut, placed the deer on it, and dragged it back to their hut. The task took a long time, but they knew they should drain and gut the deer quickly before the meat began to go bad. Chraski was fascinated, and of course he gobbled up the still-warm organs he was offered. They did much of the work by firelight, and by the time they finished they were exhausted.
Knowing that they never could eat all of the meat before it spoiled, they distributed it to the families of the tribe. As time passed, they distributed more and more food. Their generosity became known among the people, who often brought gifts of gratitude for them. The boys tried to refuse the gifts but the people insisted.
Tzoskan’s and Agsac’s fifteenth winter was a bitter, life-threatening one. The temperature fell way below freezing, and snow piled so high it was almost impossible for people to hunt. The boys had learned from their elders how to make snowshoes so they could get about, but there seemed to be few creatures to be found. The villagers suffered from hunger that winter, and a few perished.
One night as the boys lay, having satisfied each other, they heard wolf howls. The tribe had never been bothered by wolves, but there was fear that if the wolves were hungry enough, they would invade the cluster of huts. Since the huts had only hides hanging in the doorways it would be difficult to keep the wolves out.
Sure enough, one night a week or so later, the boys heard screams and shouting and the snarls of wolves. They guarded their doorway through the night but no wolves tried to get into their hut.
In the morning there was a commotion outside their door, and a man called for the healer.
Agsac stepped outside and found a man holding a young boy who was bleeding from a laceration in his arm. The boy appeared to have no more than five or six winters. The man explained to Agsac that a wolf had gotten into their hut and attacked the boy before his father could slay the animal.
“Is this Bradisk?” asked Agsac.
“Yes,” the man answered.
Agsac examined the boy’s arm, shaking his head sadly.
“I will try,” he said, “but I doubt I can save his arm. It can easily become infected, and depending on how much blood he has lost, he may not survive. “
Agsac took the boy into the hut, built up the fire so that he could see the injury, and said to the boy, “I will try to sew up your wound, Bradisk. It will hurt and you must hold still and be very brave.”
Fearfully, the boy nodded.
The boy’s father sat and held his son gently, whispering encouraging words to him.
First Agsac used snow to wash the wound, having been told by the healer that doing so often prevented infection. He knew nothing of germs, but he followed his old mentor’s advice.
Tzoskan gave the boy a tough piece of hide to bite down on while Agsac prepared a bone needle and some narrow strips he had cut from rabbit intestines.
“This will hurt,” said Agsac. “You must be brave and hold as still as you can.” 
Bradisk was crying, but he nodded.
Agsac told Tzoskan to hold the gash closed. Then he began to stitch up the cut. The boy whimpered but bravely held as still as he could.
When Agsac finished, he told the boy how brave he was. Turning to the man he said, “I’ve done all I can. Now we will have to wait. Have him put his arm in the snow from time to time as the cold will lessen his pain. But be sure he doesn’t leave it in too long or he could develop frostbite. If he gets feverish, use snow to cool him down. If pus forms, he will probably die. If he is still living in fourteen days, bring him back and I will take out the stitches.”
Agsac and Tzoskan watched as the man carried the boy back to their hut. Agsac sighed and said, “I wish I could be more help.”
“You gave them hope,” Tzoskan said, “and that’s all you could do.”
After that night there were no more sounds from the wolves. Nobody knew whether they had fled or had perished from hunger and cold.
Two weeks later the man and a woman both walking on snowshoes came to the hut. Again the man was carrying Bradisk.
Agsac looked closely at the boy’s arm. It had healed, although there was an ugly scar. When Agsac said that he was going to remove the stitches, Bradisk was afraid and whimpered, but Agsac told him that it wouldn’t hurt. After the healer had removed the stitches from the wound, the boy hugged him so hard he was afraid he’d be choked. The woman too hugged him and thanked him with tears in her eyes, and the man thanked him profusely.
From that time on, the people knew they had a healer who could save lives. He cautioned them many times that he could only do so much, that he could not cure all their ills and injuries.
The following summer, the boys hunted as usual, Agsac joining Tzoskan on the days when he had no patients. Although Chraski was growing old, he insisted on accompanying them.
Bradisk, who idolized both boys, asked if he could join them, and from then on he became a permanent companion of the two hunters, using his small bow as Tzoskan showed him.
One day, as they walked together, they observed that the wild blackberries which grew at the edge of the woods were beginning to ripen. They agreed that soon it would be time to harvest them.
A week later, they walked towards the blackberry patch, nonchalantly swinging deer-hide containers for collecting the berries. They were not paying a great deal of attention to where they were going.
Suddenly, Chraski gave a low growl. Looking up, the boys saw a mother bear and her two cubs in the blackberry patch. The mother rose on her hind legs and snarled.
Tzoskan said quietly, “Bradisk, move very slowly behind me.” Then to Agsac he said, “Don’t turn, but back up slowly.” He reached for an arrow, knowing well that a single arrow would most likely not stop the bear.
The mother bear looked at them, went down on all fours, and began to walk towards them, snarling. The boys knew that she was protecting her cubs, and that made her very dangerous.
Chraski barked and ran at the bear, who reached out and slapped the dog aside. Chraski yelped and fell to the ground, bleeding. Infuriated, the bear charged toward the boys.
Tzoskan knew he had only one chance. He drew back his bow, waited till the last second, and let the arrow fly straight into the bear’s gaping mouth. She roared and lashed out with her paw, dragging all five claws down Tzoskan’s chest, tearing his flesh open.
Tzoskan screamed in pain and lost consciousness.
The bear fell face down, for the arrow had penetrated her mouth and gone into her brain.
Agsac hurried to Tzoskan who lay with the dead bear on top of him. He was bleeding profusely, although she had missed his major arteries.
“Bradisk,” commanded Agsac, “run to the Dasnvoli and bring help.”
The boy needed no encouragement. He raced off in the direction of the little settlement.
Meanwhile, there was little that Agsac could do. The bear was too heavy for him to move so he could do nothing about it, and the bear was covering Tzoskan’s injuries so he could not do anything about them either.
As he waited, he examined Chraski, who whimpered weakly and died in his arms.
The wait seemed to last forever, but men from the tribe came racing to the boys. Immediately, Agsac sent Bradisk to the boys’ hut for supplies.
The men were able to move the bear to one side, and when the boy returned, breathless by then, he handed the supplies to Agsac and collapsed on the ground, panting heavily. He sat beside Chraski, petting him and mourning the dead dog.
With water that some of the men had brought from the pond, Agsac cleaned the wounds as much as he could. Then while a man held the first gash together, Agsac stitched it up, praying all the time that Tzoskan hadn’t lost too much blood.
As Agsac finished stitching the gashes, he said, “We’ll need some way to carry him back to our hut. Two men dashed off and soon returned with an elk hide. They very gently moved the injured boy onto the hide and carried him to the hut.
Without being told, Bradisk stoked the fire and ran to get more water.
Tzoskan’s silence alarmed Agsac, who feared that his partner might never regain consciousness.
It wasn’t until that evening that Tzoskan groaned. Agsac was immediately with him, bathing his head in cool water and talking quietly to him.
Tzoskan moaned from time to time and tossed about a little as he lay on his back, but he said no words.
Even though the night was warm, Agsac covered him and lay beside him, eventually dropping off to sleep. Without asking, Bradisk lay by the injured boy’s other side and also slept.
When Agsac awoke in the morning, Tzoskan hadn’t moved. He lay moaning occasionally, all that day and the next. With Bradisk’s help, Agsac bathed the injured boy’s head and body, fearing infection and fever.
On the third day, Tzoskan’s eyes opened. He looked about as though wondering where he was.
“What happened?” he asked. Agsac told him, with Bradisk adding details. Tzoskan had no memory of the bear or being attacked, and he was astounded to learn that he had killed the bear and survived.
Agsac knew that the gashes could still become infected. When Tzoskan said he wanted to sit up, his healer refused to let him. “You must lie still and give your body time to recover.”
At the end of two weeks it became clear to Agsac that Tzoskan would survive. He helped the injured boy sit up and then stand. Tzoskan became dizzy and would have fallen had not Agsac and Bradisk supported him. They helped him out of the hut to a large tree stump where he could sit in the sunshine. He was impatient to do more, but Agsac wouldn’t let him.
Tzoskan’s memory began to return, and he shuddered when he remembered the bear attacking and clawing him.
Each night, Tzoskan slept with Agsac on one side of him and Bradisk on the other. Slowly, he grew stronger.
When winter came, Bradisk returned to his home, promising to return when the snow melted. Tzoskan and Agsac did some winter hunting, killing an occasional rabbit and, once, a stag, which provided them with meat and a new hide through the cold months. Now that Tzoskan was better, the boys also returned to long, warm sessions of pleasuring each other.
When spring arrived, with the sounds of birds warbling in the trees and small animals scurrying about, Bradisk returned, followed by a puppy. The boy said the puppy’s name was Glebroki.
That night the older boys spent a long time arousing one another, moaning and breathing hard until they climaxed. It was only then that they remembered that Bradisk was with them. He had lain awake, watching them as they coupled.
“Are you okay?” Tzoskan asked the younger boy.
Bradisk nodded before asking, “Can you explain something to me?”
When the older boys agreed, Bradisk said, “I think you were doing what my parents do, making babies. But you can’t make babies, can you?”
Agsac chuckled. “No, but we can still enjoy the feelings.”
“If you did the same to me, would I enjoy the feelings?”
“No,” replied Tzoskan. “Your body needs to grow some more first.”
“Oh,” said the boy, clearly disappointed.
That night, as Tzoskan and Agsac happily coupled, Bradisk lay, fondling himself, Glebroki lying beside him.
Like the two older boys, Bradisk had no interest in girls, and when he matured sufficiently, he joined the boys in their nighttime activities, forming a threesome.
As he grew, he learned from Agsac how to find medicinal plants and from Tzoskan how to hunt. Glebroki always joined the hunt, racing about and flushing small animals and birds from their cover.
The other members of the tribe never questioned the boys’ arrangement. The three continued to hunt whenever possible, often passing on food to others in the tribe. When a person was sick or injured, Agsac and Bradisk tended to them and were able to cure many, although of course not all.
Many winters later, as Agsak and Tzoskan grew old, Bradisk assumed more and more of their care. He in turn trained a young boy in the arts of medicine. And when each of the older men died, it was Bradisk who prepared the pyre and sent him on his way.
In time, Tzoskan and Agsac became legends among the Dasnvoli, famed for their skills and their generosity. Sitting around their fires at night, the people told stories about Tzoskan and Agsac. Children were especially enthralled by the tale of the bear. Children grew up hearing of Tzoskan’s and Agsac’s abilities and kindness and were encouraged to emulate them.
And so, two unassuming but caring boys lived satisfying, happy lives and grew to be exemplars for all the Dasnvoli.

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