Pat 1
Finally summer vacation. The last ones I'll have. Somehow, today everyone was in an even greater hurry to flee from our nice, little concrete bunker, also known as school. Well, it wasn't that little after all. But that doesn't really interest anyone anyway, because somehow everyone finds school to...
I digress from the topic. So on with the text. I was just on my way to my bike when I suddenly got a blow in the ribs. I turned around and there was Thomas standing in front of me.
“Hey Sammy, are you excited yet?”
“Yes, what do you think?”
"So, I'll be at yours at one o'clock.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know, we agreed on that.“
Tommy looked at me with that questioning look, because I really didn't sound very pleased, and then he started to get on my nerves.
”What's the matter, did I do something to you, or did a cat get your tongue?”
“No, everything's fine, but I just want to go home and eat, we can talk more later, right?“
”It's okay. I was just wondering if I did something wrong?!“
”It's not you, but I don't want to talk about it here.”
Well, he had apparently just accepted that, because he said “see you” and then he was gone. In the meantime, I had grabbed my bike and swung myself onto it. More or less energetically, I set off and eventually arrived home.
As I unlocked the door, a pleasant smell wafted into my nose. Lasagna, my favorite. My mother had really outdone herself today.
“Hi, Mom, I'm back!”
"And I thought Santa Claus was at the door.”
That made me grin. Well, so much for my mother. Always ready for a joke. But that's how it was with us all the time. Because I'm not one to let such sayings get me down.
“That would have been fine with you. And ideally with Knecht Ruprecht and his rod, right?”
"Don't get cheeky with me, little one, or you'll get a smack.”
Well, little was good, but the grin on her face told me that she didn't mean it. So I sat down to eat, and while I was munching my really large portion of lasagna, my mother stared at me and wondered if I needed that much to eat, since after all, I was 6'4”. But anyone my age will surely know how important it is to always get enough to eat.
That reminds me, I haven't introduced myself yet. You already know my name, or rather what everyone calls me, because according to my ID card my name is Johannes Markus Samuel Josef Meier. Thank you very much, dear parents. But thank God nobody calls me that and only a few people know my real name. But I digress again. When I was measuring up for my clothes, I shouted twice and managed to get the impressive height of 1.92 m. I'm actually very grateful for that, because in some situations it can be very helpful *g*. But on to the rest... I'll be turning 19 soon and actually have a pretty good figure. Not that I have a super Adonis body, but I don't have a gram too much on my ribs either. Actually, you could say that I have a fairly normal figure. I have shoulder-length, dark blonde hair that I usually tie up, and green eyes. I think that's the gist of it. Oh yes, in case you hadn't already guessed, I'm gay. While I finished my meal, my mother came back with a pile of laundry and put it down with a sigh.
“What do you actually want to take with you? It's bound to be pretty hot in California!“
”I'm not sure, but I'm definitely taking something warm and a rain jacket, you never know.“
”All right, I'll find the rain jacket and you can start packing everything else.”
“Yes, Mom, I'll go up and get started. Actually, Thomas should be stopping by soon. You can send him up to me then.“
”Yes, and don't turn the music up too loud, otherwise Mr. Miller from next door will call and complain again because his budgie can't sleep.”
You couldn't complain to him about the stupid bird when it cawed all night long, but if the music was too loud, he called immediately and complained and threatened to call the police. But my mother always gave him a pretty quick rebuff about his bird. The only question is which one she meant. Well, probably both. *g*
Oh yes, tomorrow I would fly with my friends to California for four weeks. But I couldn't really look forward to it, because I was the only single person in the group. Thomas and Lisa had been a couple for almost two months and for Ingo and Carmen it was only a matter of time. Somehow I felt that I was out of place on this vacation, because I would have been just the fifth wheel on the car.
While I was lost in thought, taking my suitcase down from my closet, Thomas came into my room and snapped me out of my thoughts with his “Still in a bad mood?”
"Well, I don't know, I just feel like I'm just bothering you guys on vacation.”
“Here we go again, Sammy? We've all told you that we like having you with us because you're always good for a laugh. Now stop saying things like that and get ready, because maybe we'll meet a cute boy for you, too.”
That made me grin. Thomas was the only one who knew that I was gay. I could tell him anything and he could tell me anything. We had always got on well and I had known him for more than ten years, since he moved to Munich with his parents back then. We have got up to so much mischief since then that you could fill more than one novel with it, but that doesn't belong here, maybe I'll tell it another time. And now we were all grown up and no longer got up to such mischief. Well, not so often, because when we get cocky, you should be prepared for anything.
While we were packing my suitcase, we were still talking about what we would do on vacation, but you will find out about that later, so I'll leave that out now and besides, it didn't stick to those plans anyway, because the way you plan and think, it never happens. At some point Tommy left and I also slowly went to bed, because the next day our plane was leaving at 7:30 a.m.

CHAPTER 2 – Surprise
The next morning, I was rudely awakened by a bloodcurdling beep – my alarm clock. After I gave it a hefty blow from the side, it flew in a high arc towards the door, which my mother was just opening. She saw what was coming and quickly closed the door again. With a loud clatter, it hit the door and was finally quiet. Yes, you've guessed it right, I'm a big morning grouch. I'm not responsive until I've had my second cup of coffee.
Now my mother opened the door again and came in with a large cup of coffee, greeting me with a cheerful “Good morning, did you sleep well?”
I just grumbled to myself, because I couldn't understand how anyone could be so cheerful at just after five o'clock.
“By the way, is that how you greet your mother?” she said in a serious voice, but I could see a grin on her lips again and knew that she didn't mean it.
“You almost killed me. I brought you a cup of coffee, I know my sleepyhead.“
”Morning mom, thanks. Sorry, I didn't mean to kill you.“
”It's okay, but hurry up, we have to be at the airport in two hours at the latest.”
That was enough and I was on my feet and went to the bathroom. There I first did my morning rituals (showering, brushing my teeth, etc. where etc. does not mean what some of you might think now * g *). Then I went to the kitchen to get more coffee. I took another slice of toast, which I ate without anything. So early in the morning I just couldn't get anything down, but it was still at least three or four hours before there was anything on the plane, so reason prevailed and I gulped down the toast.
At half past six I was ready to stow the suitcases in the car and wait for my mother. Then I realized that I would be lost without my Disc-Man. So I went back to my room and got it. Finally my mother was ready and I got behind the wheel. Actually, at almost 19, you don't need your mother anymore, but someone had to bring the car back home. So I set off, because I don't let my mother drive when I'm a passenger, because it's like voluntarily throwing yourself off the Eiffel Tower. I was really happy when I finally had my driver's license, because I could finally sit in a car without fear of death. * g *
Oh yes, my parents are divorced, in case anyone was wondering why I haven't mentioned my father yet. But he also lives in Munich and I can visit him whenever I feel like it. I also get along quite well with him and his new “life companion” (that's what he calls her) is also quite nice, only the first question is always whether I already have a girlfriend, which I then always answer with a maybe and smile nicely at her from the side. If she only knew?
We finally arrived at the Franz Josef Strauss Airport shortly before seven, and I said goodbye to my mom, who had to leave right away because we were parked in a no-parking zone. Before she let me go, however, I had to listen to her saying that I should be good and decent. After I had delivered this short speech, she wished me a lot of fun and I went inside.
There I saw Thomas and the others, who were already waiting impatiently for me, but actually they should know that I'm always late (one of my worst habits, because I just could never be on time.).
“There you are at last, we thought you'd never come!“
Actually, he didn't need to get so upset about ten minutes.
”Good morning first of all.“
”Yes all right, let's just check in our luggage.“
”Coming!”
No sooner said than done, a few minutes later we were at the counter, where a friendly lady gave us our tickets and happily announced that our flight would be delayed by an hour. Great, I hate nothing more than waiting for the plane, because it always makes me so nervous. Not that I'm afraid of flying, it's just the waiting that drives me crazy. But what the heck, at least we had time for a coffee.
After we had checked in our luggage, we looked for a nice cafe and sat down. A short time later, each of us was sitting in front of a drink and chatting. Or rather, Carmen told us about her annoying mother, who wouldn't even let her pack in peace yesterday.
“... then she said that I should pack enough sunscreen so that my sensitive skin wouldn't get sunburned."
She accompanied her remarks with wild gestures and before I knew it, she had poured her cocoa over my T-shirt. The others started laughing because it was actually nothing new that Carmen kept spilling her drinks.
“Great, you've done a good job of that again,“ I grumbled at her.
”I'm so sorry. It's best to go to the bathroom right away and wash it out."
I did that too. It's a good thing I had another T-shirt in my hand luggage, but when you were with Carmen, it was basic equipment.
So I went towards the toilet and when I was almost there, Thomas called something to me and I turned around, because I hadn't understood him exactly. When I turned away from him again, I was just able to save myself from the flying door with a leap to the side. I was just lucky there... I couldn't get my thoughts out, because I was already being run over. When I looked up, the idiot got up again and looked at me.
“Are you okay?” He asked me worriedly.
“No, I'm fine. But can't you be careful?” I hissed at him.
The poor boy was very worried about me and looked at me with big puppy dog eyes. What I didn't even notice at the time was that he was actually quite cute, because I was so angry and got up.
“Is there anything else I can do?”
"No, just pay more attention next time, otherwise it might not go so smoothly.”
“Yes, I'll remember that and again: I'm sorry.“
”It's okay, I have to change now, because I just got cocoa on my T-shirt.“
”All right, I don't want to keep you any longer. Bye.”
“Take care!“
It hadn't been my best day, but it could have been a lot worse. After I had changed, I went back to our table and the others grinned.
”Well, it hasn't been your best day, has it?” Ingo observed.
“Why, I just got a cup of cocoa over my pants and some... (I'll spare the word now, because it wasn't quite G-rated) knocked me over.”
“You're always so unlucky."
That came from Lisa. Although she was right, because I magically attracted such things. After chatting a little more about our itinerary, we made our way to the plane. Since we had booked so late, we couldn't choose our seats and were just put somewhere. Thomas and Lisa were the only ones who could sit next to each other. Ingo and Carmen also only had the aisle between them and I sat somewhere all alone. That was fine with me, because I was finally able to continue reading my book in peace. “Les Misérables” (The Wretched, for those who don't speak French) was a real tome (about 1500 pages), but that way I had something to do on vacation when the others wanted their peace. Some of you may wonder why I would choose such a book, but that's easy to explain. I had recently seen the musical and was so impressed that I wanted to know the whole story. But now back to the text.
I had just found my seat and who was sitting next to me: the guy who had run into me a good quarter of an hour ago. He grinned at me and I sat down.
“I didn't think I'd see you again so soon. By the way, I'm really sorry about earlier, but I was in a bit of a rush because I still had to drop off my luggage.“
”I understand, but if you say 'I'm sorry' one more time, I'll get mad. Nothing happened and I'm fine, so just forget it. By the way, my name is Sammy.”
“Nice to meet you, I'm Mike."
Well, I had fibbed to him a little, because my head, which had now become a lump, actually hurt quite a bit, but I couldn't tell him that, because otherwise I would have had to listen to a thousand apologies again, which I had absolutely no desire for. Finally, after we had received a very vivid safety briefing, we were able to take off. * g *
Not much happened during the flight. I had a little small talk with Mike, who then fell asleep at some point, and then grabbed my book and continued reading it. But I couldn't really concentrate on the book because I kept looking at Mike, who was really cute. As far as I could tell while sitting, he was about 6'5”, had bright blue eyes, bleached blonde hair that gave away its true color at the roots, almost black, was about 20, and had a great figure. He was wearing a skin-tight T-shirt that really showed off his well-trained, but not too muscular, body. He had a slight fuzz on his arms, which shimmered in the sun that came through the window. I kept looking up from my book and glancing over at him. At some point I must have fallen asleep, because suddenly I was pinched on the ribs and heard him say,
“Wake up, sleepyhead.“
”What's going on?“ I mumbled to myself.
”We're about to land in California. You might want to fasten your seat belt.“
”Yeah, all right,” and then I was already buckling up.

CHAPTER 3 – On My Own
When we left the plane, I said goodbye to Mike and waited for my luggage, which of course was the last to arrive on the conveyor belt. Thomas took me aside and asked why I was grinning like that.
"Well, I'm on vacation and it's bright sunshine, so I'm allowed to grin, aren't I?”
“Yes, but not like you. You're grinning as if there was something else.“
Thomas knew me too well and I couldn't fool him, so I told him about the conversation on the plane.
”How sweet, little Sammy has fallen in love.”
“Are you crazy? I hardly know him and besides, I'll never see him again anyway, so stop it.“
”Oh come on, don't act like that.“
”Yeah OK, he's nice, but nothing more."
Finally my suitcase arrived and I made my way to the exit. The entry went without any major problems. At the exit, I saw a woman holding a sign with the name of our tour operator on it and walked purposefully towards her. There was still a young couple and a few families around her. She checked our names and said that we would have to wait about 30 minutes for the bus to come back and that we could go get a drink if we wanted.
We did that and an hour later we were on our way to the hotel, which was supposed to be right on the beach. On the way there, I took a look at the landscape, which was really beautiful. Finally we were at the hotel, which was pleasantly cool. I was really glad about that, because the air conditioning had broken down on the bus and we were almost cooked.
But at the hotel, we experienced the next shock right away, because the third double room, which was intended for me, had been booked twice and there were no other rooms available, as they were fully booked. After a few exchanges of words, she suggested that I either go to the other hotel in the chain, which would be over an hour away, or that I share the room with the other person who had booked it. Great, either I would be far away from my friends or I would have to share the room with some grandpa. These were great holidays.
“And who else booked the room?” I asked quite unobtrusively, because I wanted to know who I might have to share the room with for the next four weeks.
She points to a seating area.
“The young man with the gray T-shirt and bleached hair.” I turned around and who did I see? It was Mike, the boy from the plane. When I recognized him, I told the woman at the front desk that I agreed, because I really wanted to get to know him better and now we had to share a room.
“That's fine with me, and what does the young man say?“ I asked innocently.
”He says he doesn't care as long as he's around his age."
Did she just say he, or was that just a mistake? Oh, I'm thinking way too much about sentences again.
“Okay, give me the key, I'll tell him, I've already met him on the plane today.“
I was about to leave when I remembered that I had paid for the whole room.
”What else comes to mind, do I get my money back for half the room?“
”Yes, of course, but that won't be possible until tomorrow, because I still have to do the paperwork.”
“All right, just let me know and I'll get my money."
Then I went to Mike and the others went to their rooms. We had agreed that we would meet in two hours to have dinner, because before that we wanted to freshen up and rest. Before they had disappeared, however, Thomas grinned at me again.
I then stood in front of Mike.
“Well, what are you doing here?” I asked with an astonished expression on my face (as if I didn't know exactly.)
“Well, I'm supposed to share my room with some random guy, it's probably some kind of idiot.”
"That's nice of you to call me an idiot.”
He looked at me in disbelief, so I explained the whole thing to him. After that, he started grinning.
"Actually, it's fine with me if I have someone in the room with me, then it's not so boring. And since I already know you, I know that it will definitely be a pleasant vacation.”
Now he was grinning at me again, but not as if he was just smiling at me kindly. Somehow his look was different, but I didn't know what to make of it.
When we arrived upstairs, we entered a really big room.
“Do you want to sleep by the window or not?”
"I don't care, as long as you don't snore?”
He looked at me with a questioning look, but I was able to reassure him.
“So far, no one has complained.”
“Thank God, so everything is settled.”
“Not quite yet. Who's going to shower first, I guess you want to freshen up too?”
"Yes, but you go first, I'll unpack first.”
“All right, but leave me some space in the closet, too.“
”Of course."
I took my shower stuff out of my suitcase, took off all my clothes except my shorts, and then went to take a shower. When I was finished drying off, I realized that I hadn't brought any other shorts with me. What now? So I took my towel, wrapped it around my hips, and went out.
“Ready already?“ Mike grinned at me and looked at me. But he didn't look me in the eye.
”Yeah, have fun showering, I think there's still some warm water.“
”How gracious of you.”
Now we both had to laugh. He took off his jeans, his T-shirt and his socks. I didn't want to, but I just had to stare at him. He noticed it and I must have turned as red as a tomato, but he just smiled and went into the bathroom. However, he stopped at the door and took off his shorts as well. My jaw dropped, because I had never seen such a firm bottom. If only he..., but no, that couldn't be ..., that's completely impossible ..., but if he ..., no, that's not possible, definitely not. Why should you be so lucky that the boy you're sharing a room with is gay. That would be too good to be true.
Abruptly, I was torn from my dreams.
“Aren't you going to get dressed?”
I was still sitting on my bed, completely absent-minded.
"Huh? What?”
“You should get dressed, the others are waiting.“
”Oh yes.“
I got up and, how could it be otherwise, my towel had come undone and fallen to the floor. As fast as I could react, I turned around.
”You don't have to hide, you think I've never seen anything like that?”
In the meantime, I had turned bright red and was as red as a tomato. I was about to say something when Mike took off the towel that he had wrapped around his hips.
“So you don't feel so lonely, I have no problem with seeing someone naked and being seen by someone like that. So stop acting like this and turn around again, otherwise I'll be offended.“
”Huh?“
”Yes, you've seen me like this now and I believe in 'equal rights for all'."
I slowly turned around.
“Well, was that so bad?“
”No, but... uh...“
”It's okay, I hope you don't mind if I sleep naked too?“
”No, no, I actually do that too.”
Oh God, what had I just said, I didn't usually do that. It could be quite funny, lying next to my dream guy and getting a hard-on all the time. So far I've been able to control myself, but what would happen tonight? If he noticed, he would think I was some kind of pervert. What should I do now? Maybe get dressed first. I did that and when I was about to go to the others, Mike said: “What are you actually doing today, do you have any plans?”
“Nothing yet, except for eating. Why do you ask?”
"I'm here alone and haven't met anyone except you, so if I'm not too intrusive, I'd like to join you.”
“I don't mind, but I still have to ask the others, but I have no concerns.“
This can't be true, now my dream prince asked me if he could do something with us.
”That would be very nice,” he called after me as I left the room.
I knocked on Tommy's door. When I entered, I immediately started telling Lisa what had just happened, because she was in the shower and wouldn't hear about it.
“I think the others don't mind if he comes along, just like me. Oh, there's Lisa, let's ask her right away.”
"What do you want to ask me?”
“Well, Mike, the guy I have to share a room with, asked me if he could join us.“
”Why not?“
”Well, I'll go and ask the other two now.”
When I knocked on Ingo and Carmen's door, no one opened, so I just walked in and what I saw surprised me a bit. The two were lying on the bed and smooching with each other. I had already thought that they would become a couple, but so quickly. I cleared my throat briefly. Carmen started.
"Oh my God.”
“It's okay, but maybe you should lock the door when you're doing something like that.“
The two of them blushed.
”I knocked, but nobody opened, so I came in. I just wanted to ask you if you mind if Mike, who shares my room, comes with us to dinner.”
“No, that's fine, as long as it doesn't bother the others.“
”When do we want to go anyway?“
”Lisa and Tommy don't mind. We thought we'd meet at the reception in half an hour.“
”All right, we'll come then.” So far, everything was settled.

CHAPTER 4 – I Should Tell You
I went back to my room. Mike was lying on his bed asleep. He was only wearing shorts and a T-shirt that had ridden up, revealing the fine hairline that started at his belly button and ended at his shorts. I looked at him briefly and then went over to wake him up. Somehow I felt sorry for him, because he was lying there so peacefully, but he wanted to come to dinner. I shook his arm gently and he was already awake.
“Well?”
“Get dressed or do you want to come like that?”
He sat up in his bed and rubbed his eyes. Then he got dressed while I listened to some music.
Then it was already time to go to eat. When we arrived downstairs, the others were already waiting. I introduced Mike to them and we went to a table. During the meal, we asked each other out.
"What do you do? How old are you? Etc.”
Mike was 20 and had just finished his community service. That was actually all I really noticed, because I actually stared at him the whole time and almost forgot about the food. At some point it was almost midnight and we decided to be really lazy the next day and go to the beach.
“Mike, don't you want to come with us?“
This question, which surprised me a bit, came from Tommy, who hadn't really talked to Mike much that whole evening.
”Sure, I'll see you tomorrow then, good night.“
I was about to leave when Tommy stopped me.
”Wait a minute, you really like him, don't you?”
My eyes lit up.
“Yes, he's incredibly sweet.”
“Then good luck, I think he thinks you're sweet too.”
“Aha, and how do you know that?”
“He kept looking at you sheepishly at the table and then turning away immediately.”
"You're seeing things. I'm going now, good night.”
What if Tommy was right after all? What should I do, should I tell him or wait and see what he does? I decided to tell him openly, because somehow we would have to spend the next few weeks together. But how should I tell him...
After I had gone to bed and still hadn't talked to him about it, I tried to sleep, but I couldn't. I tossed from side to side and thought of all the possible ways to start, but nothing occurred to me. At some point he asked what was wrong.
“Nothing.”
“I don't think so, the way you're tossing and turning in bed.” I thought now or never.
“I want to tell you something, but I don't know how.“
”Just try, just say it straight out.“
”If it were that easy, it's really hard for me.“
”Are you trying to tell me that your girlfriend is coming tomorrow and I have to leave the room?“
I had a pretty big lump in my throat.
”No, that's not it.”
A tear ran down my cheek. If he had something against gays or didn't want anything to do with me, I would have to spend the rest of the time with him, and he would be angry or wouldn't talk to me anymore. If I didn't tell him anything, it might be too late or he would find out from someone else, then he would be disappointed because I didn't trust him.
“I don't know how to tell you this.“
”Hey, you can tell me anything.“
”Are you sure you won't be mad or...”
I couldn't get any further because I started to cry.
“I've only known you since this morning, but I think you're really nice and I think we're something like friends already and you can tell everything to friends, can't you?”
I nodded.
“So tell me what's going on.”
By now he had taken me in his arms to comfort me. Hesitantly, I began.
“Well, when I met you this morning, I thought you were an idiot, but the longer I talked to you, the more I liked you. No, not just liked you, I fell in love with you, I'm gay. So now you know. Why are you still here, just go, because surely you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore...”
I couldn't talk anymore, because now I really started to cry. He let go of me. But instead of leaving, he knelt down in front of me and kissed me. I wasn't prepared for this reaction and I pulled away.
“W... W... What's that supposed to mean?” I stammered.
“I fell in love with you, too. As soon as I ran into you, I knew it and I'm so glad you told me, because I didn't know if I could say something like that to you...”
Now I interrupted him and gave him a long kiss, which he returned. I was so happy. I stroked his back, leaving no part of it out. He also caressed my whole body and then he touched me at my most sensitive spot and I flinched. Startled, he took his hand away, but I took it and put it back where it had just touched me. He slowly began to massage my glans. I did the same to him and occasionally massaged his balls. He groaned and in the next moment his hot love juice came and landed on his stomach. That was enough and I also squirted with an intensity that I have never experienced before. For a brief moment, we just lay there next to each other. Then Mike turned to me and lay on top of me and gave me a kiss. It didn't want to end and I was just happy. I hugged him tightly, pressed him to me. At some point, we must have fallen asleep.

CHAPTER 5–A Heart Full Of Love
The first thing I noticed the next morning was that my right arm hurt. When I looked up, I knew why. Mike was lying on it with his body and my arm had fallen asleep. I wanted to get up, but to do that I would have had to wake him up, but I didn't want to. So what should I do? I tried very slowly to pull my arm out from under him. When I couldn't do it, I bent over to him to wake him up with a kiss. As soon as I had touched his lips, he returned the kiss and his tongue made its way into my mouth. He turned towards me and we started where we had left off the night before. After a while, I stopped him because I wanted to take a shower first. I got up, but left the bathroom door open. As soon as the water was on, he came in and got into the shower with me. We soaped each other up, leaving no part of the body out. When we were done, we realized that we had to hurry because the others were waiting for us. So we got dressed and were about to go to breakfast when there was a knock at the door.
I opened it and Tommy was already in the room. He grinned at us.
“Last night doesn't seem to have been very long.”
I looked at Mike, who, like me, was blushing.
“Uh, why?” I just managed to say.
“Well, the thick circles under your eyes suggest that you didn't get much rest. I'm just wondering what you did?"
When he said this, he put on one of his grins, which revealed that he actually knew exactly what was going on.
“Do you think you have to know everything?“ I joked back, but I shouldn't have said that, because one thing was clear: Tommy knew everything about me and he always managed to squeeze every little detail out of me.
”Yes. What do you think?”
We looked at each other and had to laugh. Mike was still standing there with his mouth open and couldn't say a word, so I explained to him that it was always like that with us. We then talked briefly about what had happened last night, decided not to say anything to the others for now, and finally had breakfast.
After we had filled our stomachs, we went to the beach. There we looked for a quiet place, which was quite difficult, because many others had the same idea as we did and wanted to relax by the sea on this really hot day. Somehow, however, we found a quiet place, which, to our amazement, was also partly in the shade.
But before we lay down in the sun, we had to apply sunscreen, because in California the sun is quite dangerous. Mike asked if I could put sunscreen on his back, which of course I immediately agreed to. When I was done, and I really took my time, I gave him the sunscreen and lay down on my stomach. Mike applied a large amount of cream to my back and began to spread it very slowly and gently over my back. I enjoyed his loving massage, but not only I, but also my little friend responded and I would have liked to have pounced on Mike, but unfortunately there were the other vacationers... (what a shame). After my back was really well taken care of, I stayed on my stomach for a while and hoped that I would soon have myself under control enough to dare to get up and go for a swim. After about five minutes, this problem was resolved, so I suggested going for a swim.
Everyone was thrilled because it was really hot and everyone was looking forward to cooling down. No sooner said than done. We ran to the water and romped around a bit. After a short time, however, the others wanted to do something for their complexion again and only Mike and I remained in the water. I was standing in the water with my legs apart when Mike dived under and between my legs. In doing so, he 'accidentally' touched my best piece. I flinched slightly and Mike resurfaced. No sooner up than he gave me a kiss. I drew back, because I was afraid that the others could see something and know what was going on. But he calmed me, because it was impossible to recognize who was kissing in the water, because our place was too far away from the water. So we continued where we had just left off and after about a quarter of an hour we decided to go to the others, because we were slowly getting webbed feet.

CHAPTER SIX – The Confession
While we were sunbathing again, I wondered how I could tell the others about me and Mike. Actually, they shouldn't mind, because none of them had ever made any derogatory comments about gays, apart from the normal things I said myself from time to time. But they were never meant seriously. But what if they did mean those comments seriously, would I lose my friends then? Would they still talk to me, or would they ignore me, or...
Thomas startled me out of my thoughts.
“Do you want to get something to eat?”
"Sure, I'd like to talk to you for a minute anyway.”
So Tommy, Mike and I went off and I told Tommy what I had just been thinking about.
“Hey, they'll take it cool. I'm even very sure about Lisa, because she has a gay uncle and she likes him very much and the others won't kill you right away either,” Tommy grinned at me.
“Well, I'd better tell them right away. Mike, I hope you don't mind?“
”No, I'm already out and I'd love to be able to kiss you in front of them too.“
No sooner said than done. When we were back with the others, I gathered all my courage.
”Hey guys, can you listen to me for a moment, I'd like to tell you something.”
“Yeah, what? Do you want to eat with that cute girl over there who's been staring at you all this time?“ Lisa interrupted.
I just looked at her seriously and she realized that I wanted to say something important.
”Sorry.“
”So there is something,” I continued, ”that I want to tell you. I've fallen in love.”
“Who is it? Do we know her?“ Ingo asked.
”Yes and no.“
Thomas and Mike grinned.
”Huh, so what, yes or no?“ Carmen said.
”You know the person, but it's a he.“
”Yeah, that's okay, but who is it?“ Lisa asked.
”It's Mike.”
“Aha, I thought so, that you have a crush on him.“
”Is that written all over me, Lisa?“
”Not exactly, but the way you were putting cream on him before, you looked at him with such loving eyes that I just thought my part.”
Lisa is talking to me, it doesn't seem to bother her, but what do the others say? Do they take it as lightly as Lisa? The two of them still looked at me somewhat puzzled. Ingo was the first to start talking.
"So what? You're making a big deal out of it, as if it would change anything. You're my buddy, I don't care if you're gay or straight.”
This answer sounded familiar. Tommy had said exactly the same thing to me back then. Now Carmen found her voice again.
“It's great that you have a boyfriend. And Ingo and I have found each other too.”
It wasn't news to me anymore, since I'd 'caught' them yesterday, but the others were amazed.
"Not only did you find each other yesterday, Ingo and I did too.”
“And when were you going to tell us?“ Lisa asked.
”Well, you don't need to know everything, do you?“
”Yes, we do.“
”We would have told you in time."
And with that she gave Ingo a kiss, and I didn't want to be outdone, so I gave Mike a kiss too, which at first he was a little surprised at my unexpected reaction. Now, of course, the others wanted to know how we found each other. So we told the whole story again. And Carmen and Ingo told theirs, because we were no less curious. Carmen bumped her foot on the bed and Ingo then gave her a kiss on the injured spot and then he just kissed her on the mouth (that was the short version, the long version wouldn't have been much more interesting). When they were done, Mike asked if I wanted to go for a walk along the beach. Sure, I wanted to, and after we had arranged with the others when we would meet for dinner, we set off.
We walked along for a while without either of us saying anything. Mike seemed very thoughtful, though.
"What's the matter with you, you seem so quiet?”
“Yes, I think I have to tell you something.“
”Go ahead, you can tell me anything.“
Somehow I felt queasy now. What could he tell me? Maybe he has a boyfriend? Or did he just want to have fun last night?
”Well, I didn't book a room here.“
”What are you trying to say?”
“Well, I saw you at the airport and I fell in love with you immediately. But how should I approach you? 'Hey, I'm gay and I've fallen in love with you.' Wouldn't have been very appropriate. And then I read your name on your backpack. So I asked at the front desk if you were staying at our hotel, and after it was confirmed, I just told Gaby (the lady at the front desk) to tell you that I had also booked the room, and you already know the rest.“
”So far so good, but why did Gaby do that? You're a guest here too, aren't you?”
“Not exactly, my father is the manager of the hotel and Gaby is my sister.“
”I see, and just to get me, you did this show?“
”Well, I wanted to be close to you and..."
But he didn't get any further because I gave him a kiss first. After we had pulled away from each other again, he asked me if I wasn't angry with him at all?
“You crazy, that was the greatest thing anyone has ever done for me, I'm not going to be mad at you.“
”Now I'm relieved, I thought that if I told you that, you would never want to talk to me again.“
”Why, I love you and that's the main...”
Now I couldn't finish what I was saying because he kissed me.
“Do you want to sleep at the hotel tonight, or do you feel like coming to my place?”
“Uh, I don't know... Do your parents know you're gay?”
"Yes, they know, and they're always happy to meet my friends, and our house is big enough, so no more backchat, otherwise...”
“What else?“
”Otherwise I'll have to knock you out and carry you home with me.“
”Oh, can you even do that?“
”You forget that I almost made it once.“
”You're right about that. But I still don't..."
Mike stood in front of me, but I wanted to keep him on tenterhooks a little longer.
“And besides, who knows if you're not a weirdo who wants to kidnap me and then blackmail my mother?“
”Yes, maybe, but you have to take the risk, otherwise you'll never know.“
”All right, you've convinced me, but what do we tell the others?“
”Well, the truth.”
After walking along the beach for a while, we went back to the others and told them our plans. I quickly packed a few things and then went to take a shower. I had barely gotten wet when the bathroom door opened and Mike came in.
“How much longer are you going to need?”
I pushed open the shower cubicle door and looked out.
“What did you say?"
Mike was standing right in front of me and just as he was about to answer, I pulled him into the shower and kissed him. I took off his wet T-shirt and briefly looked at him from top to bottom. He really was a handsome guy. His wet shorts stuck to his body and the outline of his penis was clearly visible. I could have looked at him like that for hours, but he bent down and kissed my now stiff cock, and then he started covering my penis with kisses. I already felt that I wouldn't need much longer, but he took all the time in the world and played with his lips on my glans. Slowly, my entire penis disappeared into his mouth and I felt like I was in seventh heaven. I could only moan. A short time later, I realized that all of my muscles were tensing up and I had an orgasm like I've never experienced before. I squirted into his mouth and he took it all in.
(Just by the way, for all those who wonder why I hadn't thought of contraception. I had recently donated blood and they always do an AIDS test, which was negative, and Mike had also been in hospital recently and had a test there, which was also negative. So enough said about contraception, now let's get on with the story.)
When I came to, I kissed Mike and then covered his body with caresses. There was only one spot I didn't caress, because I wanted to pleasure him for a really long time. At some point, I took his cock into my mouth and gently played with it with my lips. He moaned softly and I took that as an opportunity to scratch his testicles with my hand. I sensed that he was about to come, so I stopped and kissed his chest and slowly went down again. Once there, I took care of his best piece again and pampered it with my lips again. Mike moaned again and in the next moment I felt him pumping his sperm into my mouth. I swallowed it, although it tasted a bit salty at first. After we had finished showering, we got dressed and made our way to his house.

CHAPTER 7 – Sunset Boulevard
When we arrived at Mike's house on Sunset Boulevard after about half an hour, I was amazed. It really was a huge house, no, actually it wasn't a house at all, more of a mansion. Mike must have seen the astonished look on my face.
“You can close your mouth again, otherwise you'll swallow a fly.“
”I don't know what to say, it's overwhelming."
I don't know why either, but a few lines from a musical came to mind about this house.
'Have some pink champagne and caviar, when you go visit with a star, the hospitality is stellar – So this is where you're living? – Yes, it's quite a place, sleep seventeen, eight sunken tubs, a movie screen, a bowling alley in the cellar.' (from 'Sunset Boulevard', Music: A. L. Webber, Lyrics: Christopher Hampton and Don Black)
It really was the epitome of luxury. A white-painted house with a huge front garden that had a fountain in the middle with some kind of old antique figure standing on it. When we entered the house, I was amazed again. The tasteful interior design perfectly matched the huge rooms and, I don't know how to put it, because even though Mike's father must have had a lot of money, the house didn't look pretentious at all. It would take hours to describe every detail of what I saw, so I'll just say that it was a really great house.
Mike's family was not there yet and he took the opportunity to show me the whole house. I don't know how he did it, but he never got lost once, whereas I did, because when I wanted to go to the bathroom, I ended up in the kitchen and living room first. The last thing Mike showed me was his own childhood room.
I use this word on purpose, even though he was already 20, but his room was really still very childishly furnished, even if I don't mean childish in a pejorative way. There was his bed, with Disney motifs on the cover, and on his closet were countless stuffed animals. Of course, he also had a TV and a stereo system. At the sight of this, I couldn't help but laugh a little.
“What's the matter? Don't you like it?“
”Yes, yes, I think it's great, just the difference to the other rooms and then the stuffed animals and your bedspread.”
Now he had to laugh too.
“That's all right, you just laugh, but I just can't part with my little animals, I grew up with them and I want something to always remind me of home and my childhood.”
"Yes, I just think it's cute that a guy like that still plays with stuffed animals.”
“Does it bother you? You can leave if you want,” he said in a very serious tone, but the smile on his lips told me that he wasn't that serious.
“If you don't just play with your stuffed animals, then I'll stay, otherwise... but do you think my room looks much different? I also kept all my stuffed animals, but I was able to part with my bed sheets.”
I turned to him and kissed him. But all too soon we were torn from our embrace, because there was a knock at the door. A moment later, a man stood in the doorway who looked just like Mike, only about twice his age. He must have been his father. Mike immediately confirmed this suspicion.
“This is my father, Sammy. Dad, this is Sammy.“
”Pleased to meet you, Mr. Müllinger.“
”Nice to meet you. You can call me Karl.“
Without me being able to say anything, Karl gave me a brief hug.
”Dinner will be ready in half an hour.“
”Good, Dad. Are the others here yet?”
“Yes, they are already waiting for you, come on down."
No sooner said than done, shortly thereafter we were standing in the living room and a general round of greetings was held, with everyone hugging me. Somehow it was all a bit strange. Mrs. Müllinger, or rather Gerda, was a year younger than Karl, so 42, but didn't look it. I already knew Gaby, Mike's sister, and just for the very curious, she's 23, but she looked better in 'normal' clothes. Tim, the little brother, 17, was really a handsome guy. He had short, light blonde hair, steel-blue eyes and a smile that made you weak. Then there was a boy who introduced himself as James and who looked like Gaby's boyfriend.
Wait a minute, this face seemed familiar to me. But how? Who was it?
“Excuse me, but I know you from somewhere, but at the moment I don't know what to do with you.“
”That's quite possible, maybe you've seen me on TV. Right?“
”Yes, I think so too, but where?"
Everyone else started laughing. I didn't think that was funny at all. I knew him, but didn't know from where.
“It doesn't really matter, but if you tell me your full name, I'll definitely know who you are and where I know you from.“
”All right, I'm James van der Beek.“
”Oh right, the one from 'Dawson's Creek,' right?“
”Exactly, but could we please drop it now, I'm just James and not some kind of star.”
“All right, James."
Somehow I was quite nervous now, because standing so close to a star of my favorite show was a bit unusual. And then that voice, it was just heavenly. I never particularly liked his dubbed voice, but in real life he sounded sooo cute. Oh God, I'm raving again.
“Hey, don't look at him like that, you're my friend and Gaby might object too.“
”He is cute, but I wouldn't want to trade him for you, although when I think about it..."
Mike's elbow landed in my ribs and everyone laughed. Everyone wouldn't be right, because James didn't laugh and just looked a little lost.
“Could someone tell me why you are laughing like that?“
(Just by the way, we were speaking German and James didn't understand a word of it.)
”Not so important,” laughed Karl, ”let's finally eat, I'm really hungry.”
So we went into the dining room and ate a really delicious meal (that sounds really pretentious now, but I can't think of a better word). Not much happened during the meal, except that we did some small talk and I learned that James often stayed at the hotel and therefore got to know and love Gaby. And then Mike and I had to tell the story of how we met, of course. Although we left out a few 'insignificant' details. Tim was quite quiet throughout the meal. I thought he was just listening intently and was perhaps a little shy, but I was to learn that his silence had a different reason.
After we had all eaten and were still talking, Mike suggested going for another swim in the pool. While we were on our way to the pool, something occurred to me:
“Uh Mike, I don't have my swimming trunks with me.”
"Oh, well, what do we do about that?”
The others started laughing, but I didn't understand what was so funny. Well, there are some things you don't have to understand, but I was curious.
“What is there to laugh about?”
Then Tim spoke:
“How should I put this, Sammy, let me put it this way, it's not really common for us to go swimming in our swimming trunks.“
”Am I supposed to swim with my clothes on?"
I think I was a bit slow on the uptake at the moment, which could be seen from the others' reaction.
“No, we swim naked.“
Did I just hear right, they swim naked, and in front of their parents?
”Do you have a problem with that?“ That was Karl.
”I don't know, I've never done that before.”
“Then it's time you did.“
So much for prudish America, but actually they were German, only I wouldn't have thought that James would be so relaxed about it. Tim had just come back with a stack of towels under his arm, and a short time later they were all standing there naked. I hesitated a little longer.
”Come on, or are you stuck to the ground?”
So, I plucked up all my courage and took off my shorts. Now I was also standing there in Adam's costume. Somehow I felt uncomfortable because the others were staring at me.
“What's the matter, do I have something in my nose?”
“No, it's just that your dick isn't circumcised,” said Tim, “isn't that weird?”
“Counter question, isn't it weird to be circumcised?“
”Touché!"
Now my embarrassment had also subsided and, hey presto, I jumped into the water, where the others were already waiting to finally submerge me. But if they thought that I would just let myself be submerged all the time, they were mistaken. After a lot of submerging and “I can cum in your face” action, we finally came to rest and spread ourselves evenly in the pool. We kissed (for those who are now thinking of group sex or something like that, I'm sorry to disappoint, because everyone just kisses his partner) and maybe more than just that. In any case, Mike and I.
The other two couples then also slowly withdrew. Although I enjoyed feeling Mike's hands on me, I felt uncomfortable because I couldn't shake the feeling that someone was watching us, and my suspicions were confirmed. When I broke away from Mike and turned around, I could see that Tim was sitting alone at the edge of the pool watching us. Mike, of course, immediately chewed him out.
“What are you staring at us like that for, haven't you got anything better to do?“
Tim was still looking at us and although his face was still wet from swimming, I thought I saw a tear running down his cheek.
”Get lost, you're disturbing us.“
”Hey, don't snap at your brother like that, I think he's not feeling well.”
“Oh man, what's the point of that now. Don't you mind being watched?“
”Yes, but you don't have to snap at your brother like that.“
”He shouldn't be so sensitive. Watching other people kiss is just not done.“
”My God, was it that bad?”
“No, not really. Are you still there, Tim? Get lost.“
Tim jumped up and as he ran away I could still hear him saying ‘I hate you’ through his tears.
Well, my Mike had managed that just fine.
”Great, look what you've done.”
“Yeah, you're right, I didn't mean it like that. But he's such a pain. I have to go to him.“
”You'd better not do that right now, because I don't think he wants to talk to you right now. I'll go check on him.“
”But...“
”No buts, it's better this way.”
So I went back into the house and looked for Tim's room. The search was harder than I thought. But at some point I heard someone crying through a door and that could only be Tim. I knocked. No answer. I knocked again, but louder. A short silence, then a quiet “Who's there?”
“It's me, Sammy. Can I come in for a minute?“
”If you must."
So I opened the door and went into the room..

1

We've had a new kid in class for a week now. He's so cool. I would have been scared to death. Everything's new, no one you know and all that. But David, that's his name, has remained calm and collected. He looks pretty cool himself... jet-black hair falling into his eyes in a manga-like fashion, black corduroy trousers, black shirt with holes at the elbows, spiked collar, Doc's and black leather coat.
He even has black eye makeup. The boys in my class naturally made fun of him at first, calling him a fag, etc., but the girls are totally smitten with him. He sits next to me, well almost, there's a free seat between us. Great, he's already a legend, so many rumors are circulating about him. He's supposed to be seventeen already, a year older than me, which would mean that he's repeating the class.
But David looks at least two years younger. He is said to have been expelled from school for beating up a teacher and screwing a trainee teacher. He is also said to deal drugs and be in some kind of cult. Someone even claimed that he hangs around in cemeteries at night and sucks the blood of girls there.
Personally, I think that's nonsense.
I'm not the subject of any rumors. I'm a hopelessly sweet, nice, well-behaved nerd. If a girl ever talks to me, it's only to copy down homework and the boys... well, I'm just glad they don't beat me up. I'm probably too inconspicuous for that myself. I'm usually ignored – especially by the self-proclaimed cool kids in the class.
But unfortunately they're not really cool. They just wear baggy trousers, belts, undershirt-like shirts and listen to Linkin Park and Limp Bizkit and stuff like that. Of course, they're always hanging around at the great parties on the weekends, to which I'm never invited, drinking and smoking pot and hitting on women. I've never taken drugs or drunk alcohol, well, and I haven't even kissed a girl yet. I'm almost sixteen and not particularly ugly. I don't have greasy hair, no spots or acne, I don't wear glasses, I don't have bad breath or smell under my arms, I'm pretty slim and there are quite a few guys at school who, objectively speaking, look a lot worse than me, but... they've got a girlfriend. My mom always says I'm just a late bloomer and I shouldn't worry about it. What do mothers know? Of course I worry. My problem is simply that I'm shy and unspectacular. A while back, I dyed my hair because I thought it might make me a tiny bit daring... what can I say, it went wrong. I don't know what the problem was, but I probably just got the wrong package. Anyway, my hair is kind of a rusty color right now. Rusty with light and dark shades. On someone cool, it would probably look pretty good, but on me it looks like an accident or a blind hairdresser. To polish up my image, I even wore sunglasses all the time for a while. I thought it would make me look mysterious. Didn't work either. If you wear sunglasses in the rain and snow, people quickly label you a complete idiot.
David also wears sunglasses... but of course, he looks good in them and nobody laughs. By the way, I live with my parents and my twenty-three-year-old sister Beate in a rather ostentatious house. You see, my parents are filthy rich. Ok, that's a slight exaggeration, but anyway, I don't have to worry about money. Dad is a lawyer, Mom is a doctor and they are already fighting about what career I should pursue. Personally, I don't want either. I want to be a musician; I even play a little guitar and piano.
Mom insisted on the latter, my sister was forced to take violin lessons. At Christmas, we always have to play stupid Christmas songs for all our relatives and friends, and Mom and Dad are very proud of their well-behaved children. It makes me sick. When I was younger, I always imagined belonging to a totally messed-up clique. Guys who only drink and take bad drugs, but people like that wouldn't give me the time of day. And yet, when it comes to drugs, I'm at the source.
I'll be honest... my life is hell. Seriously, everything is going in a straight line, there's not a bit of excitement or adventure. Just homework, piano lessons, dinner and off to bed. I'm a fucking couch potato, and that really gets on my nerves. Well, that's why I've decided to make friends with David at all costs. I don't know yet how I'm going to do it, but I'm sure I'll think of something.
I'm in love with Sandra. She sits across from me, has shoulder-length red curls and very cute freckles on her nose. Green eyes, usually wears very tight tops and has an amazing bust. Unfortunately, she doesn't give a shit about me, because she's like the most popular girl in the whole school.
Everyone is after her and she? She's had her eyes on David for a week now. She constantly gazes at him, hangs around him during breaks, grins and giggles and flirts with him. He reacts to her advances - as expected - coolly. If he wants her, he won't let it show. Man, if she would just smile at me just once. But she's not into nice, sweet geeks. I've known Sandra since elementary school. We were friends back then, but since we started high school, she doesn't treat me like air, but there's not much friendship left. She just wants to copy my homework. Because I love her, I don't tell her that it would be better for her if she used her brain sometimes. Why should she do that? She looks good. That's enough, right?
David seems to be pretty clever, and what he says in class always makes sense, so tutoring to get to him is out of the question. But if I manage to win him over as a friend, I might be able to get close to Sandra. I would like to have a conversation with him, because I haven't said a word to him yet. But I don't know what to say. I'm not the type to just casually approach other people.
“Hey, are you Tobias?”
I look up from my lunch, see David pushing his sunglasses down a bit, and nod. One hand is in his coat pocket, the other holding a cigarette nonchalantly.
"Cool hair color...did you do it yourself?”
“Huh?“ I act pretty stupid.
”Anyway, Sandra said you're some kind of math genius here, or actually she said you're a nerd, but that sounds so...so ugly. So, what's up, can you help me a little?"
I'm a bit slow on the uptake right now. What does David want from me? Math? Help?
“Hello...huhu, can't you speak or didn't you understand my question?“ He seems very impatient.
”Uh...yes. Help with math...yes, sure.“
That's it. David will never become my friend. Not after my weak-minded stammering.
”Great, can I come to you? Say this afternoon?”
“Ahem, yes sure. What time?“
”Around three. Can you give me your address?“
”Matthias-Claudius-Straße 17.“
”Ok, see you. If Lorenz asks...I got sick.” He winks at me, throws away his butt and leaves.
It's crazy, he's just skipping the last two hours. Cool. I've never dared to skip class.
When I get home, I put a pizza in the oven and am really excited. I finally have the unique chance to get to know David better. When the others realize that he's hanging out with me, they'll definitely change their opinion of me. Oh shit, I can't let someone like that into my room. It's way too clean and tidy, Mom always pays a lot of attention to that. She has an absolute obsession with order. So I rush up the stairs and make a little mess. The dark blue velvet blanket spread over the couch is rumpled, and so is the bed. I rip a few of my books off the shelf and put them on the floor, along with some magazines, a pack of chocolate marshmallows and a couple of items of clothing. That'll have to do. Mom would have a fit anyway.
At a quarter to three, I light a vanilla incense stick, pace up and down and wait. At a quarter past three, I am firmly convinced that David doesn't feel like doing math. At half past three, the doorbell rings. I run downstairs, open the door and he is actually there.
"Hi, I'm a little late.”
“Come in.“
In my room, he throws his coat on the floor and looks around curiously. He reaches for the chocolate marshmallows, flops down on the couch and starts eating.
”Man, you're tidy. You should see my room.”
“Shall we get started then?“ I ask, grab my math book and sit down at my desk.
”What? With what?” David replies. ‘Oh, yes. Well, you know, I don't really need tutoring. That was just an excuse.’
I'm confused. ”What kind of excuse? Why?”
David bites into a chocolate marshmallow. “Well, I just didn't know any better way to get close to you. You're so standoffish at school... you can give me frostbite with that look of yours.”
I no longer understand the world. Standoffish? Me? Why does he want to get to know me? I'm an uncool nerd.
“Do you like von Stuckrad-Barre?” He points to the books on the floor in front of him.
“Uh, yes. He writes quite humorously.“ I turn around nervously on my desk chair.
”What else do you read?“
”Uh, no idea,“ I reply helplessly.
”What about music?“
”Hm?” I just make and shrug.
“Do you always talk so much?“ ‘Look, I want to be friends with you, in case you haven't noticed yet, and...you can make it a little easier for me.’
”Why?“
He grins. ‘I don't like to strain myself. It gives me a headache.’
”No, I mean, why do you want to be my friend? Nobody really wants that.”
“Well, because I'm bored by all the bums at school. I've been watching you, you're always kind of standing apart, you're not loud, chav and stupid like the others. I realized from the start that you're way ahead of those idiots and consciously set yourself apart from them... I like that."
David obviously suffers from severe perceptual disorders.
“I'm a nerd.“
”So what. I kind of like you and... oh, shit, now I've eaten all your chocolate marshmallows.“ He holds the empty box in front of my nose.
”No problem.“ I take it from him and throw it in the trash.
”What else do you do?“
”What else?”
“Where do you go on the weekend?“
”I'm mostly at home,“ I reply honestly and immediately regret it.
”Oha, sounds exciting. Do you have a girlfriend?“
”Nope, and you?"
He lights a cigarette. ”Yeah, well, sort of. But I don't feel like talking about it now. You'd better tell me something about yourself.”
Oh God, what now? “What do you want to know?”
David lies down comfortably on the couch. “I don't know. Anything.”
“I'm an absolute bore, I'm sorry. I don't set myself apart from the others either... they don't want to have anything to do with a bore like me.”
“What makes you think that?”
"Well, just look at me.”
He scrutinizes me. “And?”
I shrug. “Tell me, is it true what they say about you?”
“That depends on what they say.”
"Well, that you beat up a teacher and that's why you had to change schools and then there's the thing with the teacher's aide and the cult and the cemetery and...”
David interrupts me with a fit of laughter. “Do I look like a thug? And what did I do to the teacher...kill her and bury her in the cemetery?”
"Nah, you were supposed to...well, you know.”
“Oh, shit, who says that? No, it was all very different.“
”How so?“
”I...uh, well, I just stayed back. Had a lot of stress and no nerve at school. Disappointed?“
”Why should I be?”
“I don't know, maybe you thought I was a little criminal and thought it was exciting... since your life is so boring. How did you get your hair to look so cool, anyway?“
I don't dare tell him that it was an accident, or rather, that it was my fault.
”I don't remember. You really like it?”
“Sure. What are you doing on Saturday?“
”Nothing.“
”There's a party at Sandra's... I thought you were coming too.“
”I wasn't invited.“
”Yes, you were.”
“Nah.“ I shake my head firmly.
”Come anyway. I don't feel like going alone.“
Awesome. Party at Sandra's, my secret dream woman. I'm getting all warm.
”I don't know. All right.“
”Okay, I gotta go. See you tomorrow.” David jumps up, grabs his coat and is gone.
I'm sitting in my room waiting for David, who wanted to come over. I haven't tidied up yet, even though Mom told me to. She should mind her own business; after all, I'll be turning sixteen in a few days.
By the way, David is now sitting next to me at school and often hangs around with me during the breaks. Sandra has already noticed that and looks at me differently somehow.
“Hey, hi Tobi.“ David comes in and immediately throws himself on my bed. ‘Do you have anything to eat?’
”Mh, pizza?“
”Doesn't matter, as long as it's a lot and hot.“
I go to the kitchen, take care of the pizza, grab a bottle of Pepsi Light and serve him both.
”Do you think I'm too fat?”
I look at him questioningly.
“I mean, about the Diet Coke.”
“Oh, no, but we don't have any other kind.”
He devours the pizza greedily. “So... have you thought about how you can get Sandra?” I turn bright red. “Huh? Get her how? What do you mean?”
“Hey, you're talking to me. You think I didn't notice that you're in love?“
”She doesn't want anything to do with me.“
”Did she say that?“
”No, but she hasn't asked me out either.“
”Well, you're going to have to make an effort. Have you ever heard of flirting and chatting someone up?”
“I can't do that. And even if I could, Sandra just wants my homework anyway.“
”Nonsense. Well, the party's tomorrow and that's a pretty good opportunity to go all out."
I feel sick. Go all out – me. When I've never even really kissed before. David obviously knows what's what. I think he just knows everything.
“Why don't you take your girlfriend with you, but me?“
”Peggy? She's doing something with her snipes, besides, things aren't going so well for her at the moment, and I wanted to give you the opportunity to get closer to your beloved.“
”Honestly, I don't know how to do that. Everyone is after her, why should she fall in love with me of all people?”
“If you keep glaring at her, you're definitely not going to get her. Man, try smiling.“ I grin horribly, which makes David laugh.
”That might impress Frankenstein's bride.” He raises an eyebrow. ”What are you going to wear?”
I point to the clothes I'm wearing – jeans and a sweater.
“I was afraid of that. Does your mother pick out your clothes or do you really like the ensemble?”
I think David's stuff is cool. Black jeans, tight black shirt with safety pins on it, dog collar.
“Well,” I say a little helplessly.
“I'm sorry, but this looks totally awful. Fortunately, I'm here now.“ He takes a look at my wardrobe and closes the door in horror. ‘I'll bring you something of mine tomorrow.’
”What?“
He throws himself back on the bed. ‘Oh, I don't know yet. Let it be a surprise.’
”Don't you have to go home soon? It's almost half past ten.”
“My father doesn't give a damn about where I am and when I come home. The main thing is that I don't bother him and my step monster while they're fucking.“
”What monster?“ I ask irritated.
”Step monster. My mother divorced and ran away, and my father then married this terrible woman. She's really the worst. I don't even know why she hates me so much. She's always telling my father that I steal her money, hit on her and stuff like that. Hey, the old hag is almost forty, has a crappy hairdo and is skinny as a rake. No tits and no ass. I'm definitely not into that and I certainly haven't stolen any of her money. Unfortunately, my father believes everything she says.”
“That's really devious,“ I nod.
”Indeed. That's also the reason why I have to repeat the class. Fucking cunt...excuse the expression...she drove me so far that I ran away and lived on the streets for almost a year. I slept in empty houses, with the drunks and stuff. It was pretty hard.”
“And why did you go back home?“ I ask, fascinated.
”Because I was cold.“
”If you ever don't know where to go, you can come to me,” I offer him bravely, not knowing what Mom and Dad will say.
“Really? That's cool of you. Thanks, I'll definitely take you up on that. I assume your parents always know where you are, right?“
”Yeah, but it's pretty annoying. They're always interfering and telling me what to do. Clean your room, dress properly, do your homework, go to piano lessons. It makes me sick.”
“At least they care about you and your future as a famous star pianist. My father doesn't care what happens to me. Damn, this topic is annoying."

2
Man, this Tobias is really a difficult case. He doesn't know anything. It's about time I gave him a hand. But with his parents it's no wonder that he's so uptight. When I saw them for the first time, I was immediately interrogated about what my parents do for a living, what I want to be when I grow up, how I am at school and what Tobias and I always do. Brrrr...creepy.
Somehow I immediately noticed Tobi, because he seems like an alien among all the school idiots, he's usually alone during the breaks and reads. I learned from Sandra, the class slut, that he's a boring nerd, but I wanted to form my own opinion. So I talked to him, visited him and so on. He lives in a pretty posh place, I'd like that too. He lives alone on the upper floor of the house with his sister. He has one room, she has two, and they share the bathroom.
I think he made his room a bit messy on purpose for me. It's kind of cute. Anyway, he really longs to be friends with me – that may sound arrogant and conceited, but I think that's just the way it is. He's probably noticed that Sandra's always hanging around with me... because he has a crush on her. Poor guy, head over heels in love with a girl who makes fun of him all the time. Maybe I should have told him that, but I didn't
have the heart to. All that's left for me to do is to polish him up a bit and hope that Sandra realizes what a great guy he is. Or he'll realize that Sandra is a real airhead. What does he want with such a stupid toad who believes that Benjamin is the singer of “Stuckradbarre”? I almost peed in my pants when she said that. But if he really wants her...
Dad and the step monster have taken a shot at me again – maybe I can sleep at Tobi's tonight, he's offered me that before.
First I'll see how the party goes.

Tobi is still in the bathroom trying on my clothes. I picked out something that's not quite so daring. Black corduroy pants, my favorite shirt with the crown-of-thorns Jesus, leather jacket. I'll have to help him with his hair; it can't possibly stay like that.
“You know, I don't think this suits me.” He comes into the room and tugs uneasily at my shirt.
“Nonsense, it looks good,” I reply, amazed because I'm really damn right. Tobias is generally more delicate than me and today I notice that he has a totally beautiful face. Big brown eyes, small nose and super healthy skin. Not that I have a pimply face... Yes, Tobi is really cute.
“Sit down,” I command, and he obeys immediately. I ruffle his hair a bit, apply some wax and hairspray, and I'm almost satisfied. ‘Look up.’ I smear black kohl around his eyes, apply mascara to his long, thick lashes...perfect.
“Sandra will fall for you in an instant, lock, stock and barrel,“ I grin. He looks unhappy.
”What's up?“
”This may sound stupid, but... what do I do if... well, if she really likes me?“
”You ask questions. Get laid, what else. Okay, jokes aside. What's your problem?”
“Uh... nothing, forget it.“
”Whatever you say, shall we go?"
He nods.
The party is already quite loud and crowded. Sandra's parents are not there, so the teenagers are wild. Tobi still doesn't look happy, but when he sees Sandra in her tight mini, his eyes start to shine.
Girls should be girls. Apparently Tobi also likes clattering frames. Well, at least Sandra has tits, which she has squeezed into a remarkably tight, very short top. Still, it doesn't really turn me on, but that's not what she's supposed to do. This is about Tobi.
She greets me with a kiss on the cheek and stares at me for a moment, at the Tobias I styled.
“Tobi? Man, I almost didn't recognize you. You look somehow so different. What on earth happened?“
”Nothing."
Oh dear, he doesn't know anything about flirting either.
Sandra snuggles up to me. ”Do you want a drink, David?”
“Sure. Do you have wine?"
She nods happily and hands me a bottle of cheap stuff. What the heck...as long as it gets you drunk quickly, the morons are hardly bearable sober. The music is also the worst. Linkin Park or some shit like that, I could puke and quickly gulp down the wine.
“Do you want something?” I ask Tobi, already knowing the answer. He's never had alcohol before. Another thing I have to teach him.
Sandra is really pushy and I can hardly get her away. Shit, she should take care of Tobi, he looks like he's about to burst into tears. I slip away discreetly and find a place from where I can see the two of them.
At first they stand frozen in front of each other, then they finally start talking. The wine is slowly taking effect, I'm getting pleasantly warm. Tobi really has a cute ass, and suddenly Sandra's hand is on it. Bull's eye, I'd say. Hopefully the little guy won't mess it up.
I feel a bit dizzy, so I close my eyes and fall asleep.
Until someone shakes me up. It's Tobias.
“What's going on?”
“We have to leave immediately,” he explains nervously.
“Why? Isn't everything going well with Sandra?”
“Let's go.”
"Sit down and have a drink.”
He shakes his head, but I pull him onto the couch. He smells of vanilla. Mmmhh... delicious. I reach for a new bottle of wine and put it to his mouth. He grimaces.
"It only tastes like shit at the first gulp, believe me. Come on, you didn't want to be a good boy anymore.”
This works, he drinks and after a few sips he is almost hammered. Unfortunately, I'm sober again. “So, what about Sandra?”
“She's like a different person,” he slurs. “Totally nice and... so... affectionate.”
“Well then you've achieved your goal. Congratulations. Why are you hanging around here with me then? This is a party. People are kissing and groping each other until they can't anymore.“
Before he can say anything, Sandra has sat down next to us and is cuddling up to Tobi, who doesn't even notice.
”I feel sick,” he complains.
Shit, it's probably all a bit too much at once. Party, alcohol and his dream woman, who is almost sitting on his lap and bouncing her tits up and down in front of his nose. Well, she can turn it on, you have to give her that.
“Put your head on my shoulder,” she purrs, looking at me.
Tobi resists, the idiot. “Nah, I gotta throw up.” Shit, he's not gonna throw up on the tits of his beloved, is he? “Would you excuse us for a moment?” I ask Sandra, pull Tobi off the couch and drag him into the bathroom. There he throws up extensively into the toilet. I almost feel sick myself.
When he's done, he washes his face with my help. “I hate alcohol. I want to go home.”
I pat him on the cheek. “All right.”
After I've put him safely in his bed, I decide to go to my own after all. I don't give a shit if the step monster is scheming. I'm not going to let that bitch drive me away.
When I come home, Peggy is sitting on the stairs. “Man, where have you been? I've been waiting for you for hours, you bum.”
“What do you want anyway? I thought tonight was snipe night,” I reply and take her to my room.
“I was bored and I missed you,“ she whispers in my ear. Somehow I don't feel like it right now, I want to sleep. ‘Why don't you go home?’
”I just told you, idiot.” Her arms wrap around me like tentacles, I push them away.
“Listen, Squidlet, I'm tired. You can sleep with me if you want, but not with me, okay?"
She gets annoyed and pouts at once, but then she lies down in bed and luckily leaves me alone.
I actually like Peggy quite a bit, but at the moment she gets on my nerves over every little thing. I don't know why. It's all getting to be too much for me.
We've been together for about two years... with countless interruptions because we're always fighting and then making up again. One of us is always jealous. Me, when she's hit on by guys, and her, because I'm constantly besieged by girls, she says. Oh man, if she knew the truth, if she knew what I've been doing behind her back in the last two years... she'd chop my head off. It's more likely that she wouldn't believe me.
The next day I pay Tobi a visit. He looks like shit, tired and sick.
“Well, how's the drunk?“ I greet him and sit down on the bed.
”I've already taken two paracetamol and I still have a headache,“ he groans.
”From that little wine? Man, we really have to work on that. Give me the chocolate kisses. What was that about Sandra?”
He rolls his eyes. “She asked me a thousand questions - about you. I'm afraid she's more interested in you than she is in me.”
“Nonsense. She just wants to make herself important. She wants to play, make you jealous and draw you out.” I just have to resort to that little white lie.
"Do you think so?”
“Of course. I know women. You just have to show her what's what. She wants to get laid.“
”That would be the next problem,“ he says quietly and begins to clench his hands. ‘I... I don't even know how to do that.’
”Well, it's not that hard. Make out, grope her and stick your dick in at some point.“
”Sounds very romantic.“
Oh, I forgot that he's in love with Sandra.
”The most important rule is...keep your cool. Girls like opaque, mysterious, daring guys. Let her struggle for a while and treat her like a piece of shit. That always works.”
“I'm a bore, remember? There's nothing mysterious about me. And besides, I like her, so how could I treat her badly? Listening to you, one might suspect that you're a woman-hater.“
”That's not true. I'm just telling you how I've experienced it.”
“Sandra is definitely not like that. It's not just about sex for me. I love her.“
”But you do want to be a virgin sometime, right?“ My saying this embarrasses him a lot, he turns red and nervous, which looks quite adorable.
”Chocolate marshmallow?” I ask, offering him one.
“No thanks. I don't want to get fat.“
”Well, you're miles away from that. What do you weigh, thirty kilos?“
”Then I'd probably be in hospital and being force-fed.”
“Well, I should also hold back,“ I say, throwing the pack on the floor and rubbing my belly. My figure really bugs me at the moment. I'm not fat, but I'm not nearly as thin and delicate as Tobi.
”Say, it's my birthday on Friday and I want to have a party on Saturday... do you think if I invite Sandra, she would come?”
“Ask her. Hey, what about me, or is it going to be a two-person party?“
”Nah, but you're invited anyway, and so is Peggy.“
”And I assume all the morons from Sandra's clique too.“
”If they know you're there, they'll definitely come.”
“Oh, that's the reason. It's not about me at all.“ I play the role of the deeply disappointed one.
”Yes, of course. I want you there, honestly,” he assures me.
Tobi is extremely sweet.
“All right, I was only kidding. Why don't you just have the party on Friday?“
He rolls his eyes. ‘Friday is family night. All my relatives are coming to visit me. Maybe you'd like to come over in the evening?’
”Will the relatives still be there?” I ask suspiciously, but he shakes his head with a smile.

3
Life is beautiful. That is, it could be beautiful. Since I showed up at Sandra's party with David, she has been totally attentive and friendly to me. I think she really likes me. At first I thought she wanted to get close to David through me, but he explained to me that it's a girl's way of making herself interesting. Anyway, she flirted with me heavily at the party and I messed it up because David poured this stupid wine down my throat and I got sick and had to throw up. I had a headache all day the next day. Can't understand what people see in alcohol. But it felt good not to be the good boy for a change. My first alcohol rush!
Oh God, but what am I going to do on Saturday when Sandra wants to kiss me or even more?
I don't know what to do. I'm totally nervous. When I asked Sandra at school today if she would come to my birthday party, she looked at me sweetly and
replied, “Of course, I'm looking forward to it.”
My heart almost skipped a beat. Then she kissed me on the cheek... awesome. David gave me the thumbs-up and grinned.
I have to ask him about kissing sometime, of course, in passing. I don't want him to think I don't know anything about it.
I've already told Mom and Dad that I'm throwing a party on Saturday and need the house to myself. At first they were dead against it, but after hours of begging they gave in. Now they're going out and I've got my peace. Of course, no one is allowed to drink alcohol and not that many people should come. I promised them all sorts and secretly flipped them off.
David wanted to give his clothes back today, but he shook his head and said I should keep them. Of course I'm happy to accept the offer, I like the clothes now. At first I felt a bit strange, but when I look in my wardrobe, I get the creeps. These kids' clothes are awful.

I'm sixteen. And I'm sitting at the coffee table with Mom, Dad, Beate, Grandma, Grandpa and various uncles and aunts. Boring to tears.
Fortunately, there were only gifts of money. I'll get a new wardrobe with that – I hope David doesn't mind going shopping with me. I'm hardly listening to what the relatives are saying to each other, I'm already totally excited about the party tomorrow. I'm curious to see what Sandra is wearing. But she'll look super cute even in a garbage bag. Will I kiss her? Will I be with her then? Oh man, my first girlfriend and such a dream girl that everyone loves.
"Tobias, didn't you hear me, boy?”
Aunt Adele nudges me. Crap, what did she say?
“Yes, yes,” I assure her, not knowing what the old battle-axe wants.
“But please play something nice.”
I have a terrible feeling. I think she wants me to give a little private piano concert. I might feel like it now. Well, just smile and let everything wash over me, then it will be over quickly.
So I sit down at the piano, run my fingers over the keys and, just like that, I elicit a delicate little melody from the instrument. Although you can't exactly speak of delicate when it comes to Beethoven. As I play my way into a frenzy, thrashing out the keys,
I see the horrified faces of my dear relatives. All right... something else. I decide on a boring, sugar-sweet Mozart piece. The relatives are delighted, applaud and congratulate my parents on their fabulous son. I feel sick to my stomach.
At nine, the ordeal is finally over. I lie relaxed on my bed and think of my dream woman, which makes me nervous again in a moment.
Shit, now I'm sixteen and I've never kissed a girl. What if Sandra notices (because of course I'll do everything wrong) and laughs at me? Or even worse... she's disgusted by me because I have bad breath or she's drooling or something. Unthinkable!
“Happy... Birthday... to you...“ David waves a wine bottle, grins and, in an extremely smoky voice that gives me goosebumps, interprets a version of Marilyn Monroe's birthday song for JFK. She would have liked that, I'm sure. I like it too.
”Happy birthday.“ He hands me a bag and sits down next to me.
”Sorry, there was no time to wrap it nicely.”
Curious, I look into the bag. There's something black in it, cold and hard. It's actually David's leather jacket that I was wearing on Saturday. I can't stand it in my head.
“You want to give it to me? That's...that's not possible.”
"The jacket looks much better on you than on me, besides, you liked it, didn't you?”
I nod enthusiastically.
David has opened the wine bottle in the meantime. “And now we toast.”
“Do we have to?” I ask, thinking anxiously of the last wine I drank... of the headache and the vomiting afterwards.
"Yes, but don't worry, I'll make sure you don't throw up again.” He pours the dark red drink into two glasses, hands me one of them and winks at me.
“Here's to you, Tobi.”
I sip carefully and it doesn't taste too bad. Very sweet and not bitter or disgusting at all. I take another sip and another and another, and then the glass is already empty. David pours more.
“But not so fast,“ he warns, reaching for the chocolate marshmallow pack.
The second glass is empty and I suddenly feel very dizzy and velvety and warm and soft, as if I were wrapped in cotton wool. Wow...boozing is fun.
”So...are you okay?” David asks, to which I nod vigorously.
I think now is the right time to bring up the kissing topic. “Say...do you like kissing?”
“Of course, don't you?”
“Yes, but...well, how do I know what a girl likes? I mean, does she like it one way or another?” Great, I couldn't have asked a more stupid question.
As expected, David grins. “You don't know anything about it, do you?”
I'm a little angry because David obviously doesn't trust me to do anything, but on the other hand, he's right.
“I don't want to make a fool of myself with Sandra, that's why I'm asking.”
"Okay, what exactly do you want to know?”
“I don't know, I don't know... ahem... everything?” I suggest, stammering foolishly.
I get a big sigh in response. ‘That's going to be difficult, I definitely need another drink and... so do you.’ He fills our glasses and quickly drinks his. I drink more slowly, after all I want to take in what he has to say.
“Well, actually there's not much to know. You put your lips on her mouth, slide your tongue in and that's it. The rest will follow.“
”And if I stick my tongue in too deep or our teeth touch or I have too much spit in my mouth?"
David starts laughing and I suddenly feel very stupid.
“That won't happen to you, believe me. Once you've started, you'll automatically know what she likes and do everything right.“
I must not look very convinced, because he sighs again, puts his glass down and moves a little closer.
”This is all too theoretical, it seems to me. Best I show you.”
I recoil in horror. “What? No... I mean, how... you can't. You can't...”
David rolls his eyes. “Do you want to know how or not?”
“Well, but...”
"Then stop being such a damn baby.”
Before I can say anything, he has sat down astride my lap. Whether that's absolutely necessary... I don't know.
“So,” he looks at me, “give me your hands.” He reaches for them and puts them on his hips. Phew, this does seem a bit strange.
“Moisten your lips and close your eyes.”
"Why?”
“You shouldn't ask questions, you should just do what I say. Come on."
So I lick my lips, close my eyes and wait, feeling quite queasy, for what is about to happen.
After a few seconds, I feel warm breath on my face at first, then a very soft mouth that gently rests on mine. My stomach tingles strangely, I ignore it and concentrate on my tongue, which is still paralyzed in my throat. Stick your tongue, it shoots through my head, so I open my mouth a tiny bit and let my tongue feel around a little until it touches David's.
Funny... it tastes like Schokokuss. There's something else... a small lump, quite smooth and hard... a tongue piercing? I hadn't noticed before that he had something like that. Cool.
I hear him breathing loudly, his hair tickling my face, his arms lying on my shoulders, his hands caressing my neck. Do I have to do something with my hands too? I have enough to do with my tongue, which is entwined with David's. Nevertheless, I slide my fingers under his ass, digging them into the fabric of his jeans. At some point, I decide that I've had enough instruction and push him away.
“I... I can't breathe anymore,” I say, out of breath.
David slides off my lap and takes a generous gulp of wine directly from the bottle.
“So...how was I?”
His face is quite red. “Not bad for a start. I think Sandra will be satisfied.”
“Is that all?” I ask a little disappointed. I thought I was absolutely great.
“What do you want me to say?“ You don't have to worry about kissing anymore, okay?”
He fishes for his cigarettes, drops the pack twice on the floor, and finally manages to light one.
“Something wrong? Did I do something wrong and you don't want to tell me?”
“What makes you think that?” he grumbles.
“You're acting so weird.” I suddenly have to giggle. ‘By the way, you taste like a chocolate KISS. Hahaha.’ Shit, what am I being so silly about? ”Say, do you think Sandra would mind if I kissed her on the breasts?”
“She'll be delighted. I have to go now.” He hastily jumps up, puts on his coat, which takes a long time because he can't find the one sleeve hole right away, and runs to the door. ‘See you tomorrow.’ Gone he is.
Man, he's acting really weird. I fall onto the bed and think. My first French kiss – from David. It's kind of weird kissing a guy. Whatever. I once read in a teen girl magazine that teen girls also teach each other how to kiss. I'm not a girl but I'm still a teenager. And after all, you have to know how to do it, what else can you do? Still, I'd rather keep this to myself, hopefully David will do the same.

Mom and Dad are gone. Chips and other snacks are everywhere, David has bought plenty of alcohol and other drinks, put on one of his CDs and people seem to be enjoying themselves. Sandra looks simply stunning – black velvet dress and high boots. She has put her hair up, with two strands framing her pretty face. In short, she is beautiful.
I love her.
The gift could have been a bit more original, an Amazon voucher. Well, the main thing is that she's there and smiling at me. She does that without ceasing. I could embrace the whole world. David lent me some clothes again... his shirt with the elbow holes. He looks insanely cool himself. Leather pants, fishnet shirt and black eye makeup, but Sandra only has eyes for me. I was a little afraid that she secretly has a crush on David and I already saw my hopes floating away when he showed up here.
Right now he's sitting at a distance and drinking something from his alcohol. Sandra and I feed each other peanut flips. I can feel that it will happen soon... we will kiss. I feel dizzy, she smells incredibly good. Some kind of subtle floral scent, it suits her perfectly, which I tell her. She smiles at me. Little brown dots sparkle in her green eyes. I start counting her freckles and poke her little nose.
“Tobi,” she whispers suddenly, taking my hand and putting it on her naked leg. “Kiss me.” So I do what I've learned. I moisten my lips, close my eyes and kiss her. I think she likes it because she doesn't want to stop.
Me neither...or? I try not to think about it, but just keep on kissing and kissing and am on cloud nine.
I don't notice anything else at the party, for me there is only kissing and being kissed.
Someone nudges me, it's David. “Listen, it's getting late, most people are gone and you should tear yourself away for five minutes and help me cart the booze corpses out. Your parents certainly don't want a vomit-filled living room.“
Shit, I don't feel like doing that right now, but I can't let him do it alone.
”Come back in a minute,” Sandra whispers and kisses me again.
“She loves me, David.“
”Yeah, yeah, I saw it.“
”And she likes the way I kiss.“
”Great, are you going to help me?"
I put my hand on his arm and look at him. ‘I only have you to thank for that.’ For a moment he seems very nervous, then he shakes his head. ‘It's okay,’ he mutters.
We put three drunk schoolmates outside and push them on their way home.
“We should also get rid of the alcohol,” says David, “if there's any left.”
There isn't much left, actually. Sandra has already started cleaning up a bit. I love her even more for that.
“You'll be fine without me. I'm off.“ David is already standing at the door in his coat.
”Thanks.“
”Uh, Tobi...see you tomorrow?"
I glance at Sandra, who I'm meeting up with. ‘Nah, I...I already have plans.’ Sandra smiles happily, David doesn't. ”I understand. See you sometime then.”
“We can talk on the phone,“ I call.
”Sure.“
”He was gone quickly. Does he have something?“ Sandra looks at me.
”I think he's having trouble with his girlfriend.“
”You'll get that too if you don't kiss me right away,“ she smiles.
”Of course I don't want to risk that."
After an endless smooch, she says goodbye.
When I finally get into bed, I'm still totally wound up. Sandra and I are together. I can't believe it. Yesterday I was a complete loser and today the most beautiful girl in the world belongs to me. Hopefully I'm not just dreaming all this.

4
I don't feel like going home yet, where I'd only be annoyed by the step-monster. I had actually thought I could crash at Tobi's, but he has other things on his mind at the moment. It seems the party was a complete success for him. The prince has his princess, didn't even have to kiss a frog and now they live happily ever after. Amen.
I sneak over to the old Jewish cemetery and sit down at a gravestone. Boo-hoo... how spooky. Oh well. At least there are no annoying cardboard heads here to disturb me. It's a good thing I brought the wine, it's pretty cold when you spend the night outside. Actually, I should pat myself on the back for managing to set up Tobi and Sandra.
If he only knew how I raved about him to Sandra and what a pain it was to convince her that he's not a boring bookworm but pretty cool and that she should give him a chance, etc. I guess I was pretty convincing, the way they were smooching. I was afraid they would eat each other up. Considering that Tobi had no idea until yesterday. Either he lied to me or he's a natural. But yesterday was also a crazy idea. There I hear myself saying that I have to show him how it's done and...swish...I'm already sitting on his lap.
Man, he looked at me sheepishly. Thank God he didn't realize how hot I was for him.
At first I really thought I just wanted to help him, but when he licked his lips... it was so hot, like he had learned it in a special workshop. Well, and then the kiss... I almost saw stars and still thought I was only doing it all for him. Damn, I should have known. Tobi is exactly the type I like. Tender, delicate, shy and absolutely straight. And what do I do, idiot that I am? I have to pull off this smooching act with him, of course I couldn't help it, and now I'm stuck with it. Head over heels in love and no chance of a happy ending. Am I a goddamn masochist, maybe?
He has found the woman of his dreams in me and I have to sit here in the cold and get drunk. Well done, David. But what else could I have done? Tell him, “Hey, I fell for you because sometimes I'm just into guys. Can I please please screw you now?”
He would probably have crossed himself and sprinkled me with holy water. Now it's too late anyway, I've got Sandra so vaccinated that she won't let him out of her claws... just like Peggy has me firmly in her tentacles. I like her and when I sleep with her it's often quite nice and pleasant, but with a boy it's just much better. At least I don't have to imagine lying in bed with a guy.
With Peggy, things only really work out when I imagine a cute boy and what you can do with him. It may not be very nice, but she doesn't know about it, so it doesn't hurt her. The question is why I'm still with Peggy at all? Most of the time she's really annoying and I'm annoyed because I actually want something completely different. Such a damn mess. I should break up with her and...then? Tobi will surely not suddenly discover that he likes guys and sink into my arms. No, he sinks into Sandra's arms. He said he'd call me tomorrow, but I'd rather not wait for it. As out of it as he is, he's already crossed me off completely. Of course he's got a date with Sandra and doesn't have time for me. What did I expect?
That he would still deal with me now that he has what he wanted? I know exactly how it works. First he'll stand me up a few times, for which he'll apologize at first, then he won't even go out with me anymore, then he won't talk to me at all, and pretty soon I'll be nothing more than another face in the schoolyard to him.
Shit, I'm pretty drunk, so I'd better go home. Dad and the step-monster will probably be asleep, so I'm sure I'll get some peace and quiet.

Oh my God! Tobias actually called me. Unfortunately, he only talked about his new girlfriend the whole time. I thought I'd burst.
Oh, how sweet she is and how soft her lips are and the cute freckles and the dimple and the brown flecks in her green eyes. It makes me want to throw up. No wonder I'm becoming a misogynist. If Peggy shows up today, I'll shoot her... just because she has tits.
Man, I really didn't think that Sandra would go so crazy for Tobi, it's starting to get creepy. Especially since she's made it more than clear to me more than once that she likes me. Not that I want the stupid toad... I sincerely hope she's not just messing with Tobi. You never know with girls. He wouldn't survive it and neither would she, because I would kill her.

I can't stand it in my head. The two lovebirds have been hanging out for two weeks now and I only get to see Tobi at school at most. It's getting on my nerves. Except for an afternoon shopping together, we haven't done anything together because he always has to hold hands with his girlfriend. Well, at least he now has decent clothes thanks to me. When he came out of the changing room, wearing patent leather trousers and a tight shirt... man, I really went crazy. Nevertheless, I feel extremely dumped. I tell Tobi that when he wants to cancel our date again by phone.
"Yes, I'm sorry too, but...”
“I don't want any stupid excuses, I want to meet you,“ I interrupt him angrily.
”How about tomorrow? Today I have an appointment with Sandra. We're meeting in front of the movie theater later.“
”Oh, and tomorrow she's not available, right?”
“What's the point of that now? You're upset because I don't have time and if I want to meet you, it's not right for you either.“
”Don't forget that I made sure you got your princess.”
“Just because you showed me how to kiss? Aren't we being a bit presumptuous?“ I'd like to tell him how it really happened, but I manage to control myself at the last second.
”All right, see you tomorrow... if you don't change your mind again.”

Hey, it really worked. I'm meeting Tobi in half an hour and he hasn't canceled yet. We're going out tonight, to SPIRIT. I haven't been there in ages and Tobi, well, I assume he's never been there. So it's high time he got to know it.
When I'm standing in front of the door and he opens it, I'm left speechless. Tobi is wearing shiny pants and a knitted sweater that shows more than it covers; with a belt with silver chains that accentuates his narrow hips. Ooooohhhh...I think I'm going to faint! I remember telling him to dress nicely...not a word about showing up as a damn fuck piece.
“I'm glad you're here, I really need your help."
He pulls me into his room and holds a kohl pencil under my nose. My hands are shaking so much that we're both afraid I might poke out his eyes. But then everything goes well.
“Can I go like this?” he asks, stroking his belly. You can go to bed with me right now, I think, and nod. Now just don't be stupid! ‘Well, can we go?’
He hesitates a bit. ”Ahem, we're still waiting for someone.”
Oh no! Please let this be a joke. Please don't let him mean Sandra.
“Who?”
“Sandra. Well, you don't mind, do you? She really wanted to come to SPIRIT.”
I don't get a chance to protest because the doorbell rings and he rushes downstairs like a madman. I told you, I should have been a girl.
Well, the evening was super great. Tobi and Sandra giggled and smooched the whole time, and I was completely ignored. Normally I like going to Spirit, the music is good, the people are nice, the guys are super cute... but a teenage couple newly in love can really ruin it for you. Needless to say, I wanted to sleep with Tobi, but I didn't dare ask.
Sandra is slowly turning into a plague, a stinking ulcer. Man, and it's my fault. If I hadn't screwed up so badly, she would still be biting on my horse teeth instead of eating Tobi.
Now I'm just at home and lying in bed next to Peggy... when suddenly I get a brilliantly nasty idea.
“Hey Squidlet, do you have plans tomorrow?“
”No, why?“
”I want to ask you a favor."
And because this favor is of the utmost importance, I sleep with her. I imagine Tobi half-naked, which makes things a lot more pleasant.

The Summer of Our Lives
Why don't I, idiot that I am, finally get out of the sun? I'll probably be as red as a tomato tomorrow, and my skin will peel off in slices, because even though I'm not extremely fair-skinned—after hours of roasting in the sun, I'm well done too. I shift my position a bit, and my eyes wander again over the top edge of the book on page fifty-three, where I've been stuck for almost an hour. No wonder, after all, I barely glance at the letters crowding there and vying for my attention—I only see HIM. HE lies on the towel next to me on the beach of the swimming lake, and I can't remember ever seeing anyone more relaxed lying on a towel. – No, definitely not.
Since this morning, it's finally summer vacation, and the sun is being kind to us. Unlike almost every other major vacation I can remember, this year seems to be a real summer. Actually, I have every reason to be in a good mood because I'm free, my report card was quite good, and since I worked part-time at my father's company during the school year, I can enjoy the whole vacation without having to do a summer job like many of my classmates. Everything would be perfect if it weren't for …
I lift my gaze again and glance at HIM once more.
By the way, HIS name is Jan, he's eighteen years old like me, and the absolute heartthrob of our school. Well, as you can see from me, not only the girls are into him. But you'd have to be completely blind and deaf not to fall for him. He's a little over one meter eighty (I'd estimate), slim, athletic, has dark, almost black hair that he always messes up so artfully that you just want to tousle it, and he has brown eyes with long, silky lashes. His face is gorgeous, and I would give my right arm just to kiss those wonderful, full, curved lips once. Unfortunately, I'm not alone in that. Pretty much all the girls in my grade—and even some from the one below—are crazy about this guy. Now and then, he goes out with one or the other, but he doesn't seem to want to commit, my sweet Casanova. And so he breaks girls' hearts one after another and always has a witty remark ready.
And me? Well, I'm just … Dennis. Boring name—boring guy. Medium height, medium brown hair, average grades. I think everything about me is mediocre. What can I really say about myself? There's nothing special about me. Except that I'm in love with Jan. The degree of my infatuation I would definitely not describe as mediocre but rather as quite intense.
I see how the now already setting sun caresses his tanned skin and elicits a tiny sparkle from the fine hairs on his legs and arms. Without wanting to, my gaze lingers again on his swim shorts, and I wish I lived in a time when swim trunks were not baggy, saggy rags but made of stretch fabric and really only covered the essentials.
Now he turns his head and opens his eyes at the same moment. They shoot a small flash into mine, which are still scrutinizing him over the edge of the book. I quickly look back at the page and hope he hasn't noticed. Just as well that I already have a red face from all the sun, so it probably doesn't show that I'm suddenly getting a little hotter.
"Do you like what you see?" he asks me very quietly.
I look around frantically: The few people from our grade who are still here are splashing around in the water. It's just Mark, Sandra, Andi, and Jens left to disturb our cozy twosome, and at least in this moment, they seem to have neither eyes nor ears for us.
"What do you mean?" I ask stupidly and still believe I behaved so inconspicuously that he couldn't have noticed anything.
"Well, you're watching me. – You haven't turned the page in ages," he says.
I quickly turn the page and pretend to be completely absorbed in the story. I place a finger on a random spot on the page, lower the book a bit, dare to look directly at him, and ask confusedly, "What?"
A real actor was lost in me.
"Don't pretend," he says. "But go ahead—doesn't bother me."
He closes his eyes again, opens his lips a little, licks his lower lip with his pink tongue tip, and stretches shamelessly on his towel. He places one hand under his head, with the fingertips of the other, he lightly strokes his thigh. Am I mistaken, or did he actually push his pelvis forward a bit? – I'm getting hot again. I really need to get out of the sun.
I see the other four coming out of the water, heading towards us, and I sink back into my book. Sandra walks directly to Jan and shakes the water from her hair onto him. In a split second, he jumps up, grabs her, and carries her back to the lake. He throws her into the water, jumps in after her, and dunks her. How I envy her! He touched her … The others are laughing themselves to death, and of course, I join in, even though I actually feel like running away.
"We're leaving soon," Jens says. "Are you coming tomorrow, Dennis?"
That he's addressing me directly probably has to do with the fact that Jan is still in the water.
"Yeah, sure. Why not?" I answer.
This is not the way I'm usually invited. It's rarely sentences like "Are you coming too?" or "Are you coming, Dennis?" but rather sentences like "You're all coming, right?" or "Are we going there tomorrow?" which I just assume are meant for me, and I show up at the event. Apparently, it's okay because no one has complained so far. It doesn't bother me that obviously no one really cares if I'm there. The main thing is THAT I'm there. Especially if my Jan is there too.
Now he's coming back with Sabine, dripping from the water, and flops down on his towel. I have to concentrate not to stare again, after all, the others are still there. Still, I have to risk another glance. The water drips from his dark hair and runs down his back. I see a single drop of water hanging from his earlobe, catching the sunlight...
"... Dennis?"
I flinch when I hear my name. Jan's brown headlights fix on me - an indecipherable smile playing around his lips. Damn, I really need to pull myself together.
"Uh... what?" I ask, as my ears get so hot they feel like they're about to explode: He's caught me again.
"I asked if you could take me with you," Jan asks. "The others want to leave now, and I'd like to dry off a bit more in the sun. - I don't have a second pair of swim trunks with me."
I gape at him like a complete idiot: Is he trying to tell me that we'll be alone here soon?
"Uh, yeah, sure. I can do that," I say, and before I can really come to my senses again, the four of them have said goodbye and we're sitting alone in the slowly changing sunlight from gold to red.
I pick up my book again and continue reading - at least I try to - while he lies there motionless.
Jan turns onto his side and props his head in his hand. He looks directly at me.
I lower the book and ask a bit too harshly: "What?"
He reaches out and places his hand on my knee.
"Are you in love with me?" he asks quietly.
A drop of water runs down right next to his left eye. The weight and warmth of his hand and the roughness of his voice almost take my breath away.
"Are you crazy?" I ask loudly, push his hand aside, and stand up. "Do I look like a fag?"
Shit! How does he know? No one could have told him, after all, I guard this secret like a state treasure. I can't even imagine if anyone finds out that I, little homo, am in love with the biggest heartthrob in school. I need to pull myself together better; I need to become even less noticeable. I vow not to stare at him anymore, even though I know I'll break this resolution faster than thunder follows lightning. He's just too... no, stop now! From now on, staring is forbidden!
"We have to go now," I hear myself say.
I look at the clock. It's almost nine.
"My parents will freak out if I get home this late."
That's a blatant lie, but it's an acceptable excuse. Then I shovel my stuff into the sports bag, slip into my shorts, and put on my T-shirt. When I turn around - still angry - I see that Jan is packing up too. In this light, it almost looks like he's blushing.
During the drive home, we remain silent. Luckily, the drive to his house only takes about twenty minutes, and my HIM CD is playing on the car radio, so it's just bearable. Then we're finally there, and I'm finally freed from his presence. I stop in front of the house, and Jan takes his bag from the footwell in the front.
"Listen, Dennis," he says quietly and turns to me again before he actually gets out, "I'm sorry about before. - I didn't mean to... oh, I don't know... I'm just sorry."
He opens the door and gets out.
"It's okay," I say and stare at my steering wheel.
"Are you going to the beach tomorrow too?" he asks.
"Sure," I say and have no idea what devil drives me when I ask him, "Should I pick you up?"
Despite everything, I obviously can't keep my hands off him.
"That would be great." He beams at me. "At two?"
I nod, say "See you tomorrow then..." and start the engine. Better get out of here before I say or do something stupid. In the rearview mirror, I see him watching me until I disappear around the next corner.
Chapter 2 – He's doing thatm on purpose!

On the way to Jan's, I decide to simply ignore yesterday's incident—as if nothing happened. Actually, nothing did happen. If I'm a bit lucky, he won't mention it either. For a change, I could use a bit of luck, I think. Well, I can't claim that I'm really badly off in life, at least as far as external circumstances are concerned. Both my parents work, we have our own house where my brother and I each have our own room. That is, actually, only I have my room there now because my brother no longer lives at home since he started his studies.
Oh yes, and I have my own car, which I worked hard for during the holidays and alongside school. This puts me well ahead of many of my classmates. Okay, it's just a Corsa, but at least it's black, I managed that much!
I park and go to the house where Jan lives. Just as I'm about to ring the bell, the door flies open, and he almost falls into my arms.
"Let's just get out of here. It's tense at my place."
From the slowly closing door, I can hear his father shouting something after him, which I can't understand. He doesn't respond, walks past me to the car, and I get the impression he's fleeing.
As we drive away from the house, I cautiously ask him, "Are you having trouble at home?"
"Yeah, you could say that," he replies curtly, then remains so silent that I don't dare to ask further questions.
Still silent, we arrive at the lake and carry our bags to the bay, where we're greeted by the others, but my sweet Jan isn't really present today. Neither am I, accordingly. I constantly feel the need to be near him, to support him, even if he doesn't ask for it, let alone notice. Most of the time, he just lies there staring ahead. I feel so incredibly sorry for him, and I wish for nothing more than to take him in my arms and comfort him, but of course, I don't. Daniela takes care of that for me—and I hate her for it. For weeks now, she's been fawning over my darling, hovering around him whenever she sees him, and never misses a chance to touch him, and today he's defenseless against her.
"Hey, what's up with you today?" she asks, ingratiating herself and sitting down next to him on the towel. I glare at her back, but obviously, it doesn't harm her, as she slides even closer to him and places her paw on his arm. Now she's crumpling the fluff there with her hand and doesn't even notice that she's annoying him.
"Oh, nothing," he says. "Forget it."
But of course, she doesn't—for the opposite. She stays there like a discarded sandbag and continues to ingratiate herself.
"If there's anything I can do for you..."
Meanwhile, her finger runs over his arm, making me almost sick.
And then the truly terrible happens! I think I catch a brief glance from him over her shoulder, then he wraps his arm around her and kisses her. Right in front of my eyes! And I just can't look away because I'm so horrified. I mean, I've seen him kiss girls before—that's not it. It's just... I don't even know exactly. Of all people, Daniela! And of all times, now. I had thought... Oh, I'm an idiot! Did I really believe he meant it seriously when his hand was on my knee? Or when he apologized, was there really something in his voice that made me perk up? I guess once again, wishful thinking was the father of the thought. Instead, I've been made a fool of. Dennis Maibaum, you are and remain a fool! Maybe, for a change, you should fall in love with someone where there's even a hint of a chance that they might return your love.
Oh, man! I turn away, but I can still hear them smooching behind my back. I get up and go into the water. Wow, it's cold. Doesn't matter—just dive in, submerge, and never come back to the surface, everything here is crap anyway. I start swimming, stroke by stroke, moving away from the others.
I can hear Jens calling after me: "Hey, Dennis, where are you going?"
But I just keep going. Just away. Away from Jan, from Daniela, from the other idiots who simply have no clue.
At another part of the lake where the bushes grow almost to the shore, I get out of the water, exhausted, and let myself fall onto the gravel. Until this moment, I could hold back the tears, but now they push their way out, whether I want them to or not. I sit there, wrap my arms around my knees, rest my head on them, and sob. At least the others can't hear me here. And so what! I don't care! Jan is really an asshole. He did it on purpose, or why else would he have looked at me so stupidly before? What is he trying to prove to me? That he's the big womanizer and won't let a little queer like me hit on him? Such a lousy jerk! I cry and get upset until I'm even more exhausted than I already was.
With red eyes, I stare at the water. I am so tired. I would love to just curl up here and fall asleep. How am I supposed to get back? I'm not sure if I can swim the whole way back with this huge anger in my stomach. Oh man, I'm such a loser.
When I finally manage to muster the energy to start the return journey, the sun is already low again. I walk along the edge of the shore as much as possible and swim where it's not possible. Of course, it takes me significantly longer than before, but I make it back to our bay. Swimming, of course, because I don't want to let anything slide. Most of my classmates are already gone. Daniela too. Jan is still there, lying on his stomach and reading. In my book! I'm freaking out!
"Hey, you could have at least asked first," I grumble instead of a greeting.
"How, when you disappear for hours?"
Ouch, that's a point!
"Besides, I was bored after you left," he says and looks at me with his puppy eyes.
I'm not in the mood for reconciliation; I'm still mad about Daniela.
"You could have made out with Dani a bit more, then the time would have flown by."
Then I quickly snatch the book from his hand, close it, and pack it in my bag. I turn my back on him, which is good because otherwise, he would see how much I'm suffering.
I dry myself off and say coldly, "I have to go now. If you want to come, pack your stuff."
I ignore the fact that he flinches and then immediately jumps up. He must have packed very quickly because when I turn around, he's already standing there with his bag in hand.
"Should I take yours too? You must still be exhausted from swimming," he says, extending his hand hesitantly.
"Never mind, I'm not such a wimp," I say boastfully and hope he doesn't notice how my knees are still shaking from the effort.
We trudge one after the other along the narrow path that connects the bay to the road, silently ignoring each other. I stare at the ground. His feet, stuffed in sneakers without socks, come into view. I slowly pan the camera upwards, observing his calves, thighs, his nice butt. Higher. No, I can't look away, staring at his rear moving in his shorts as if I were watching a porn. Only when I slowly but surely start to get an erection do I look away. The sight of his narrow hips and broad shoulders doesn't exactly help. If I keep going, I think, I'll have a raging hard-on by the time we reach the car. And he'll notice. I think about how he kissed Dani and the look he gave me before that. That helps; I get angry at him again. Yes, anger is definitely better.
I drive him home, and again we silently ignore each other.
Just before getting out, he says, "Sorry for just taking your book. I had so much on my mind, I needed to think about something else."
It's almost funny that he's apologizing again as he leaves my car.
"It's okay. It's not that dramatic," I say, blushing.
How far did he read? Did he immediately notice that it's about a gay boy? What does that tell him about me?
"Would... would you maybe lend it to me? I mean, when you're done with it," he asks, staring at the bag on his lap.
"What?" I ask stupidly—I think I'm not hearing right; what kind of game is this now?
"Well, I mean, it started pretty well. And... oh, forget it, I hardly have time to read anyway."
"Sure, I can lend it to you," I almost interrupt him.
Good heavens, we're talking nonsense here.
He places his hand on the door handle like yesterday. I think I'm having déjà vu.
"Listen, with Dani... there's nothing. I mean, she's not my girlfriend or anything," he says quickly. It seems important to him that I know that. But why? It's his business who he messes around with.
"And even if, it's none of my business. - I don't care," I say, and if lying hurt, I'd have to scream like never before in my life.
He looks at me confused, as if expecting a different answer. Then he slightly shakes his head and leaves the car.
"What about tomorrow?" he asks from outside.
"I can't tomorrow," I say, even though it's not true, but I really need a day alone to see where I stand. If I'm constantly around him, it won't work, as I've seen today.
"Oh," he says, looking a bit disappointed.
"Call Karsten, he'll probably do a little round too," I say.
Karsten lives on the other side of town and doesn't pass by the lake like I do, but I'm sure he'll make an exception.
"Yeah, we'll see," he says, hesitates briefly, but then slams the door shut.
I speed off, casting the obligatory glance in the rearview mirror and see that he's staring after me again.
Chapter 3 – My Day

So, this day belongs to me. Just me alone. I absolutely need to sort out my thoughts, and while I'm at it, my feelings too. It can't go on like this.
I'm still lying in my bed with my eyes closed, the sun already tickling me through the half-open blinds, but I can still hold onto this pleasant, heavy, warm feeling when you're no longer asleep but not quite awake yet. Unfortunately, not for long, because as soon as I'm fully awake, all the muscles in my body hurt. At first, I have no idea where this is coming from, but then I remember my outing on the lake. Can anyone make a bigger fool of themselves than I did? Hardly...
I think of Jan, imagining him lying in his bed now, also being woken by the sun. He only wears shorts at night, stretches, pushes his blanket halfway aside, and I can catch a glimpse of his leg, tanned by the sun, contrasting with the light sheet. He runs his hand over his chest and... Stop! Wait, have I lost it? I didn't want to think about him anymore, at least not like that. This has to stop, and right now. He's just a stupid straight guy and an asshole because he messes around with every girl. He doesn't deserve my love.
I wait for my anger from yesterday to return, but nothing happens. On the contrary. Instead of his brazen look before he kissed Dani, I suddenly only think about how unhappy he looked when I picked him up. As if someone was after him. And I think about how he apologized to me in the car. Was that really sincere or is he just a damn good actor? I don't know. And as long as I don't know, I can't trust him. He suspects something about me, I'm sure of that, and I can't risk him fooling me and eventually exposing me completely. No, it's better if I keep some distance before I get wrapped around his finger.
Slowly but surely, I start thinking about getting up. I'm glad the house belongs to me today. My parents are at work, and everything is quiet. I push the blanket aside and swing my legs out of bed. Ouch! Sore muscles. This action already reminds me of my foolishness from yesterday, how am I supposed to get through the day?
I pull up the blinds with my weak arms, drag myself to the bathroom like an old man, and let hot water run over my body for what feels like an eternity until I feel somewhat mobile again. Then I wrap a towel around my hips and prepare for the big reckoning with myself.
I stand in front of the large mirror in my parents' bedroom. My still damp hair sticks to my head, and even after ruffling it with my fingers, I can't find anything good or interesting, let alone sexy about it. The color is unremarkable, and I don't really have a hairstyle either. The rest of my body is... well... just normal! – like everything else. Normal and boring. I'm not particularly tall, but not really short either, I don't have an ounce of fat on my ribs, but there's hardly any sign of muscles either. My skin is tanned, at least where the sun has reached it, but the shade is far from Jan's dreamy olive-gold tone. My skin has rather taken on a dull, dirty brown.
So, now comes the moment of truth. I pull the towel away and let it fall to the floor. – Would I like myself if I were someone else? Preferably another guy? I consciously forbid myself from thinking of a certain name, but the moment I forbid it, I do it anyway. Would Jan like me? Ridiculous: Compared to his dream body, mine looks like a girl's, I think. Worse still: like a girl's without breasts. I close my eyes. And then I see him standing in front of me. Oh yes, I know what he looks like. Everywhere. Physical education does have its advantages – at least the showering afterward.
He looks at me and smiles. He is beautiful. His skin is olive-colored, with a few dark hairs shining on it. His short, dark hair is always in orderly disarray - I'll never understand how he manages that. He's about half a head taller than me and much more muscular. Unlike me, he already looks like a real man.
I open my eyes again, and it's obvious how crazy I am about him. Even though I'm alone, I'm embarrassed to be standing in my parents' bedroom with an erection, and I wrap my towel around my hips again and go back to my room.
After resisting the urge to masturbate and instead getting dressed, I go down to the kitchen and make myself breakfast. Coffee, toast, butter, and jam go on the table, and to celebrate the day, I treat myself to a boiled egg. I skim through the newspaper while chewing and wonder what I want to do with this day. I have no idea. I'd most like to see Jan. But I want to stick to my decision to spend the day alone. I'm already confused enough, and I can probably manage a day without him.
I put my dishes in the dishwasher and sweep the crumbs off the table. Then I know what I'll do. I check my finances, which look pretty good thanks to my steady side income and frugal lifestyle, and decide to finally splurge a little on myself. I stuff the wallet into my pocket, grab my keys from the hook, and leave the house. Even though it's still quite early, my car is already an oven because it's parked right in the sun. Serves me right, it just had to be black, I think as I let the shimmering air escape through the rolled-down windows.
Then I get in and let myself be grilled through the windshield while the wind almost blows me out of the side window. Sweaty and even more disheveled than before, I arrive in the city.
My first stop is the hairdresser. I can't answer the question of whether I have a specific idea for my future hairstyle.
"No idea," I say. "Something fun, whatever's possible with my fluff."
The hairdresser is pleased that I'm giving him more or less free rein and eagerly brings over some sample books. He runs his fingers through my hair a few times and then shows me what he thinks is doable. It looks like I'll have to say goodbye to a short, tousled hairstyle like Jan's. The expert says my hair is too fine for that—I would call it fuzzy, but if he says so... After all, he's the expert.
But fine, I trustingly place myself in his hands and just hope I can manage it at home too. He snips a little here, a little there, and hair falls around me to the floor. Then I undergo the humiliating process of getting highlights. Hopefully, no one sees me sitting here with this bathing cap from which tufts of hair stick out everywhere. But I'm lucky: Most people have better things to do in this heat than sweat their butts off on a faux leather chair.
After about an hour and a half, I barely recognize myself in the mirror. I look like a member of a boy band, I think. My hair is still relatively long, at least on top, and falls diagonally across my forehead. In the back, it's only neck-length and looks kind of fringed, just like the bangs. It's also much lighter than before. With highlights in various shades of blonde, it's much brighter and I like it a lot better than the mousey gray-brown from before.
The scissor artist looks at me in the mirror, seeking applause, while he moves around me with the hand mirror. I reward him first with a wide grin, later tossing my change into his tip piggy bank.
As I walk through the city, I look into every shop window. Less because of the displayed goods, more because I can't get enough of my new hairstyle. Man, I love myself!
So, now the next project. I enter the first clothing store. Since I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for, I start at H&M because you can hardly go wrong there. I dig through heaps of pants, shirts, and blouses, and on the way to the fitting room, I almost collapse under the massive pile. Good thing the fitting rooms here are so big, otherwise, I wouldn't fit in with all the stuff.
Trying on clothes makes me incredibly warm. The air conditioning inside is clearly not designed for changing clothes every minute. But I bravely push through my routine, and in the end, the "yes pile" grows significantly faster than the "no pile."
When I leave the store with two bulging bags, I beam as brightly as the sun. I'm slowly starting to enjoy the day I'm spending with myself. I buy an ice cream, sit with it on a bench, and watch the passing people while alternating between tasting chocolate and lemon.
During a chocolate moment, I even dare to smile at the cute blonde guy who hurries past me. He looks really sweet as he glances around shyly, only to realize that I actually mean him. He shyly smiles back but continues on, and I wonder if he'll remember me later.
I nibble away the remains of the ice cream cone, which I managed to eat without incident despite the heat, and am about to set off again, but then I lean back on my bench once more, resting my arms on the backrest in a macho manner. I squint into the sun, and it occurs to me what I absolutely have to buy now.
I park in our driveway, get out of the car, and retrieve the bags from the trunk. Two more have joined the first two, and I look like a pack mule. I'm broke—but happy! At least now I know what I've been working for all this time while the others went out for a beer in the evenings.
In the hallway, I take off the sunglasses—also a new purchase—and look in the mirror. Even though I'm a bit sweaty from driving, I still like myself a lot.
After drinking half a bottle of water in one go, I spread the new clothes out on my bed. I bought some jeans, especially this one caught my eye. It's a bit baggy, has patch pockets, and sits nicely low on my slim hips. Unfortunately, it's way too hot outside for that at the moment. The two short pants that reach just above the knee and also look pretty cool are more suitable.
Thoughtfully, I take the black pants in my hand, which I just couldn't hang back, even though I have no idea if and on what occasion I'll ever wear them. They are - as I said - black, very slim cut and - without wanting to brag - my butt looks phenomenal in them. Also, they sit so sinfully low on the hips that I almost need a license for them.
The selection of shirts is also impressive. Most are cool but suitable for everyday wear, only one I bought specifically for these black pants. It's black with a little red and doesn't have real sleeves, it basically stops at the shoulders, and I liked it so much that I didn't even mind that my upper arms don't show pronounced muscle packs.
I open my wardrobe and sort it out. Hard and ruthless. Dennis Maibaum doesn't wear this stuff anymore, I decide, and outdated pants and baggy shirts fly over my shoulder behind me. In the end, there's a pile of stuff I no longer need on my bed, and I hang the new things in the closet. However, they can only moderately fill the gaps, and it looks like I'll have to go shopping again occasionally, I think. However, I must save my finances for a while beforehand, or I'll end up with pockets turned inside out.
I pack the sorted-out clothes into plastic bags, tie them up, and put them in the hallway. Maybe my mother has an idea of what to do with them. She surely knows a place where you can donate used clothing.
If today were a normal day, I might be worried about evening plans now, but not today, because I already have a date! And it's with myself. I've stashed a bottle of wine in my room, which I'll leisurely enjoy while surfing the internet.
Around six o'clock, my parents come home.
My mother almost stumbles over the bags in the hallway and asks in surprise, "What's this here?" Then she calls me: "Dennniis! Is this your stuff?"
I stick my head out of the kitchen, where I'm just topping a pizza. My cooking skills aren't outstanding, but as the son of working parents, you pick up one recipe or another over time. You have no choice if you don't want to starve but also don't want to constantly eat at Burger King.
"Yes," I say, "I've sorted out some clothes. Do you know if I can donate them somewhere where they'll be reused?"
She looks at me and is about to answer, but her mouth stays open without a sound coming out.
"What... How..."
She comes up to me, grabs me by the shoulders, and turns me around.
"That looks great!" she then says and beams at me. "How did you come up with that?"
"Oh," I say, "I just let the hairdresser do their thing. Do you really like it?"
"Yes," she says, smiling. "I didn't know I had such a handsome son."
Then her tone becomes conspiratorial.
"Or is there someone special behind this?"
I can't prevent myself from blushing a bit and quickly say, "No, nobody. I just felt like it."
Damn, she'll never believe that. Now she's probably convinced that something's going on. She surely thinks I have a girlfriend now. Hopefully, I can talk her out of that.
I put the pizza in the oven, and we have a coffee together, which neither of us can do without despite the heat. I've obviously inherited the caffeine addiction directly from my parents. Meanwhile, I tell them about my shopping trip. Of course, I leave out my tiny flirt with the cute boy. Still, I have the feeling that my mother keeps looking at me strangely. Maybe she just needs to get used to the new haircut.
We eat together, and I spend the rest of the evening exactly as I planned. I resist the urge to call any of my classmates and arrange to meet. Instead, I slowly sip one glass of wine after another, get nicely tipsy, and hop from one website to the next. Meanwhile, my current favorite music, in this case, "Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas, drips into my ears from my headphones. Right after that comes "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol. Yes, I admit it, I'm into love songs at the moment, which must be due to my state of acute infatuation, but I just can't help it.
After visiting eBay, some music sites, and other trivial stuff, I finally open the pages that really interest me. Unfortunately, out of fear of discovery, I don't dare to add them to my favorites, so I have to dig out the note from the drawer and manually enter the addresses every time. And now I'm back again, diving into a world as foreign to my real one as possible.
Here, everyone is like me. I don't need to pretend; I can admit that I'm head over heels in love with a boy, and I get virtual support because others feel the same way. Many things have become easier since I first dared to open this page a few weeks ago. Back then, I sat in front of the screen with red ears, feeling like I was doing something forbidden, but now it's like meeting up with my acquaintances somewhere.
I chat a bit with someone I've met there several times, although I don't commit to any appointments, neither online nor in real life. I reveal as little as possible about my personal data, only disclosing my age, and I only respond to the nickname I've given myself. I call myself "Sad_Boy" because I felt so terrible the day I registered that nothing else would have fit.
My virtual friend is having trouble with his sweetheart. "At least you have one," I write to him, and because I know that won't help much, I add that he should definitely talk to him again if the relationship is important to him. He says he's already done that, but these situations keep arising, and he's slowly had enough. Now I'm almost glad that I'm spared such nonsense at the moment. Still... it would be nice to have someone to belong to.
He advises me to take the plunge and tell Jan what's going on. He doesn't believe Jan will spread it around, as he's already sent out too many signals himself. He suspects that there's also some interest from Jan's side, but Jan doesn't dare to be more explicit because he has the same fears as I do or doesn't even know which side he's on yet.
Hmm, I hadn't seen it that way before. On the other hand, he doesn't know him, and he doesn't know how people at our school talk about gays. I have no desire to make my last school year hell. Until graduation, I really have other worries than being mocked or even beaten up every day.
We chat for a while about this and that, and at some point, I realize I'm getting too drunk to find sensible words, so I say goodbye and instead look at some book recommendations. Maybe I'll finally manage to finish reading "Summer Storm," and then I could use some new material.
I shouldn't have thought about that because it immediately reminds me of how Jan was lying on the beach reading it. He somehow seemed caught when I took it away from him, and later he even asked me if I would lend it to him. Now I'm sure he already knew what it was about. Then I think again about his face when he apologized to me, and from there, the journey goes backward. His hand on my knee, his fingers hovering over his own thigh. I've long since closed my eyes, and a hand wanders into my pants where a strong erection has already formed.
I don't need long, even though I'm quite drunk, but after all, I know what I like. Well, at least one person in this world knows, I think, and start to giggle.
Later, when I see myself in the bathroom mirror in my sleep shorts and T-shirt, I'm still grinning. I blow myself a kiss and thank myself for the nice day.
Chapter 4 – Now He's Totally Nuts
Unexpectedly, I've managed to style my hair almost as well as the hairdresser did yesterday. I have to admit, I was a bit worried when I got out of the shower looking like a drenched poodle, but after using all the tricks and products he gave me, I can definitely be seen again.
I waste the morning at home and almost leave too late to be on time at Jan's. He seemed genuinely happy about my call this morning, and he probably was even more pleased not to have to take the bus to the lake for hours but to be comfortably chauffeured by me. But what the heck? I'm going there anyway, so I might as well take him along. I'm curious if he'll have to apologize to me again this evening, I think, grinning stupidly as I arrive at his place.
He's already standing outside the house, and I glance at the clock in a hurry, but despite the late departure, I'm still on time. Although he looks irresistible in his shorts and light blue T-shirt, something seems off. He looks gloomy, but I refuse to believe that my absence yesterday is the reason.
When getting in, he greets briefly, and as he turns to the side and reaches for the seatbelt, he inhales sharply through his teeth, as if he hurt himself. I wonder what's wrong with him but don't dare to ask because he looks so grim and turns his head away from me. I'm disappointed that he hasn't noticed my rather obvious change.
Great, today we're silent with each other again. It's going to be a fantastic day. Good thing I packed my book again.
Today Jan doesn't take off his T-shirt. He sits on his towel, arms wrapped around his knees, staring ahead. Is he afraid I'll look at something of his, or what? I put on my sunglasses, open my book, and lower my gaze. The tinted lenses offer me unexpected possibilities.
I look over at the others. The girls are sitting together like a flock of hens, chattering and clucking, probably about boys as usual. Dani occasionally throws a longing glance at Jan, from whom she surprisingly keeps her distance today. She probably expected more from their kissing than he did. I have no sympathy for her. Serves her right. Why is she throwing herself at my sweetheart?
I glance back at Jan. He hasn't moved in the last few minutes. A dark sweat trail forms on his back, and I don't understand why he's still wearing his shirt. I glance over at the others again. No one is looking in our direction.
I dare to make a move: "You don't need to be afraid, I'm not taking anything away from you," I say quietly, hoping it sounds as funny as intended.
"Sorry, what?"
His head turns slowly to me. He looks like I've brought him back to reality from far away. That's probably how I sometimes look when he talks to me, I think.
"I... um..."
Now he's thrown me off balance.
"Aren't you too warm?" I then ask.
He looks at me and doesn't answer. I realize that he can't see me, or rather my eyes, and therefore doesn't know that I'm slowly but surely genuinely concerned, so I take off my glasses and look directly at him.
He still says nothing, and I get the impression he's searching for something in my eyes. I have no idea if he found it or not because he just slowly shakes his head, gives me one last look from his beautiful dark eyes, and then turns away again.
I don't understand what's happening here, but the desire to just put my arm around him and comfort him becomes overwhelming, so I have to flee to avoid doing something foolish.
"Is anyone coming into the water?" I call to the others, but they're all too lazy.
Manuela lazily turns her head, seems to consider it for a moment, and then gets up.
"I'll come with you," she says and follows me.
We fool around a bit in the water, and I'm glad she's there because I get along best with her. She's a great buddy and the only girl I don't feel uneasy around, not even when we're alone.
Now we're sitting on the edge, dipping our feet in the water, watching the surfers further out who just don't want to accept that it's almost windless.
"I love your new haircut," she says, ruffling my hair, "even if it's totally ruined now."
"Thanks," I say. "Then the ordeal was worth it. I almost melted at the hairdresser's."
"Yeah," she laughs, "I can imagine."
And then she tells me how awful it is to endure a perm for hours.
"What's going on with Jan?" she asks suddenly.
"Why?" I ask back.
Oh no, has she noticed something too? Am I that transparent?
"Well, he hasn't said a word all day, sitting there with his T-shirt on... I thought he might have told you something. You two are friends, right?"
She looks at me openly, and I calm down a bit. She probably doesn't know anything.
"He hasn't said anything to me either," I reply.
"Do you think it has something to do with Dani?!" she asks.
"I can't imagine," I reply a bit too quickly. That's the last thing I need, for her to think he's pining after her. "He said it didn't mean anything."
"He should have thought about that beforehand. I didn't find the whole thing very straightforward. I mean, if he didn't realize she wanted something from him, he must be as blind as a mole."
Yeah, I think. He really is sometimes.
"No idea, I didn't really catch all of it," I say to avoid delving further into the topic – just the thought of the kissing makes my stomach turn again.
"Oh right," she says, "that was when you were gone for half the afternoon. Where were you, anyway?"
"I wanted to see how far I could swim," I lie, determined not to tell anyone about the little cove I discovered. Maybe I'll need it again someday.
"Sometimes you're really strange," she says.
"At least say 'mysterious,' it sounds more interesting," I say, and she grins.
"Weirdo."
When I return to my towel and book, Jan has turned onto his stomach, and his eyes are closed. But I know he's awake – no idea why. Suddenly I become bold.
"Next time you have to come with me," I say and nudge him on the side.
"Ouch! Watch it!", he yells at me as if I had beaten him. He jumps up and glares at me. Then he realizes that everyone is looking at him, and he sits back down cross-legged.
"Sorry," I say quickly, and I mean it, even though I have no idea what I did wrong.
"Whatever I did to you."
I take my book, turn my back on him, and open it. I don't understand the world anymore. This guy drives me crazy. I mean, I should be angry now because he yelled at me like that, but primarily I feel sorry for him. I would love to help him if he would just let me.
"Sorry, I didn't mean it that way," I hear quietly behind my back. "It's just..." He takes a deep breath. "Oh, forget it."
Alright, he's won again, and I give in. That seems to be my main task in this strange relationship anyway.
"It's just what?" I ask instead of accepting his apology—with the gentlest voice I can manage.
He shakes his head, can't even look at me, and I don't understand him again. Where has my sunny boy gone, who is almost always cheerful and always has a witty remark ready? It almost seems like I'm not the only one who has fundamentally changed in the last few days.
This time he doesn't apologize when I drop him off at home, after all, he already did that at the beach. Still, he hesitates to get out.
"Hey, would you mind if I copied it?" he finally asks.
By "it," he means the HIM CD, which I'm currently playing almost nonstop in the car.
"You like HIM?" I ask him, confused. So far, I had the impression that he merely tolerated the music during the ride rather than actually liking it.
"Well, if you listen to it often enough, it's not so bad," he says.
"Alright," I say and press the button for the radio to eject the disc.
I pluck it from the slot and hand it to him. Why on earth do I have the feeling that the CD is just an excuse?
"If you want, you can come up and take it with you right away," he suggests, looking at me so pleadingly that I can't refuse.
He turns on the computer, puts the CD in the drive, and a blank disc in the burner.
"It'll just take a few minutes," he says. "Have a seat."
I sit on his bed and look around. A completely normal room. A desk in the corner, a chair in front of it. A wardrobe, a few shelves, a stereo, a TV, a CD rack, and the bed I'm sitting on. No posters on the walls, hardly any decorative stuff. It looks like a room only used for sleeping, I think. Mine is cozier. I think you can tell from my room that I like being in it. This one seems—I don't know how to express it—somehow "unloved."
He turns to me and awkwardly rubs the back of his neck. "I'm not very tidy," he says, looking around.
"Doesn't matter," I reply. "I'm not really either."
"Do you want something to drink?" he asks. "Cola?"
I nod, and he disappears. I lean back against the wall and take a closer look around. Then I notice little things that make me smile. A photo tucked into the wardrobe and a teddy bear half-hidden in the corner next to his pillow. I lean over a bit. Yes, THAT one definitely looks loved. Comforting to know that he seems to have a romantic side too.
Jan reappears, a cola bottle under his arm and two glasses in hand. He fills the glasses and hands me one. He waits until I've put it down before sitting next to me on the bed and carefully leaning against the wall. I don't know what to say; his immediate proximity takes my breath away. My heart is pounding as if it wants to pump all my blood through my veins within minutes, and I desperately rummage through my mind for words to fill the silence, but they seem to have retreated to dark corners of my brain—like cockroaches when the light comes on.
"Do you also sometimes have fights with your parents?" he asks quietly, looking at his fingertips.
"Luckily, rather rarely," I say, although "never" would have been closer to the truth, and because I know what he's getting at, I ask: "You?"
He nods.
"I don't know... We argue about every little thing lately. How my room looks, that I should get a job for the holidays, you name it."
I'm still thinking of a suitable answer when he suddenly changes the subject.
"By the way, your new haircut is really cool," he says and looks at me again.
A small smile sneaks onto his sad face.
"Now I at least know what you were doing yesterday. I was already wondering why you didn't come to the lake."
Silence descends over us again, but this time it isn't unpleasant. Suddenly, I feel his fingertips brushing over my arm. My skin seems to burn under them, and I turn my head to the side to ask him what he's doing. It hits me like a blow, because I look straight into his dark eyes and suddenly can't breathe. His face approaches mine in slow motion, I feel his fingertips tugging at a strand of hair and then touching my cheek, and everything blurs as his lips softly touch mine. I slowly raise my hand...
... and push him away from me.
With a jump, I leap off the bed and scream, "Are you crazy? What the hell is this?"
I sound hysterical like a girl. I'm in total panic, completely flustered. He's messing with me completely! Not for a fraction of a second do I consider that he might be serious—why would I? He makes out with every girl that comes by.
"Do you think I'm gay or what?"
His face is chalk white, and he stammers, "No, of course not. I just... I didn't mean to... I'm sorry. Please. I'm sorry. I don't know what..."
I've put at least two meters between us with my jump. He's still sitting on the bed, I'm pressed against his desk with my butt, there's no further backward.
"I'm leaving," I say and am about to go, but he has also jumped up and holds me back. "Dennis, please wait."
He stands in front of me and looks at his hands.
"I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to... This stays between us, right?" he asks quietly, and I could hug him again. But at the same time, I could hit him. I feel like I'm about to explode.
"I hope so," I say coolly and try to push past him.
Now, don't show any feelings.
"Don't you want to wait for your CD?" he asks.
He can't seriously think that I'll stay here a minute longer? How much did he bet that he could get me? And with whom? I'm so angry I could beat him up on the spot.
"You can bring it to the lake tomorrow," I say, hoping it's also clear to him that he should figure out how to get there himself because I certainly won't be picking him up.
I rush out of the house and race home like a madman. There, I grab a bottle of wine from the cellar and lock myself in my room for the rest of the day. It's good that my parents have gone bowling tonight, so I don't have to explain my state of mind to anyone.
I down the wine until I can't see straight anymore, and then I cry like a baby because the whole mess is overwhelming me, and I have no idea how to get out of it. I cry until I fall asleep drunk, lying on top of my bed in my clothe

The Prodigal Son
"Luca, are you finally done with your hair? The meeting is about to start, and the parents want to leave."
"Man, Daniel, I'll be right there. I just can't get my hair right today."
There I was, at 15 years old, standing in the bathroom in front of the mirror, trying to get a grip on my unruly black hair. I actually liked my hair, but today it was driving me to despair again.
"Alright, I'll help you, otherwise the old man will kill you if he has to wait any longer," said my annoying brother Daniel with a grin. Well, he wasn't really that annoying. We were only a year apart, I was 15 and he was 16, and we usually got along great, except for the usual sibling squabbles.
"Oh man Luca, that's way too much gel you've slapped into your hair again," he said and rubbed the gel out of my hair with a towel.
He took the gel tube and put a small dab on his hand.
"Look, that's enough, you don't need more," and in no time, he had styled my hair into a presentable shape.
"Now hurry up, you know how important it is to our old man to be punctual for the meeting."
For explanation, our family belonged to the Jehovah's Witnesses, and our father was an elder, a sort of local leader of the group. There were always several elders per meeting, but their number had to be odd so that a clear result could be achieved in votes, and Dad was basically the chief elder; his voice carried the most weight. Our group had meetings three times a week: on Tuesdays at our house with a smaller group, called the book study, where a current Jehovah's Witness book is studied, and on Fridays and Sundays with the whole group, the meeting where topics from the Bible are presented. And today was another Friday evening, time to go to the Kingdom Hall in town, a kind of church that looks like a regular building.
"We always have to wait for you, Luca. You know I hate being late, so make sure you're ready earlier next time."
"Yes, Dad, I know, but I just couldn't get my hair right today."
"It's always the same with you and your hair. We should just cut it off; you're just too vain. Be a bit more humble, or do you think Jesus stood in front of the mirror for hours before he preached the good news to the people?"
"No, Father, of course not. I'm sorry, I'll be ready earlier next time, I promise."
My stupid brother sat next to me in the car, grinning. I gave him an elbow in the side, which led to a tickling attack from him on me, to which I retaliated, until our mother called us to order.
"Quiet back there, or you'll be assigned to cleaning duty at the Kingdom Hall tomorrow morning."
This mere threat was enough to silence us.
The 2 hours at the meeting dragged on like chewing gum. I could hardly wait for the end to finally chat with my almost same-age friends. We had all practically grown up together, and since our parents forbade us from associating with youths outside the meeting, they were our only friends. There was Finn, my best friend, Max, my brother's best friend, Lea and Rahel, who were best friends with each other, but really we were all one big clique.
"Hey, do you all want to meet at the quarry pond tomorrow afternoon? It's supposed to be really hot."
"Yeah, Lea, that's a great idea. I'll take care of the grill."
"Great, Finn, then Daniel and I will get the meat."
"And we girls will make the salads. After all, we don't want to interfere with the gentlemen's hunt," Rahel said, laughing.
"Exactly, meat and fire making is men's business, Rahel."
"Really, Finn, how silly that instead of men we only have you guys with us."
Rahel's last statement sparked discussions and general laughter until my mother once again called us to order.
"Behave yourselves, we are in the house of the Lord."
Yes, my mother is a real killjoy, but she always has been.
"Alright, then it's settled. We'll meet at 3 PM at the quarry pond tomorrow. Are you all coming to the preaching service meeting point at 9 AM tomorrow?"
"Don't remind me, Lea, you nerd. You know Daniel and I have no choice but to go since Dad is leading the meeting point."
"Oh Luca, don't always make such a fuss, preaching service can be fun too."
"Yeah, only when it's over, Lea."
For explanation, the preaching service was a must for every Jehovah's Witness, as the Bible says that the so-called good news must be preached to people, which means going door to door, ringing bells, and trying to bring the Bible closer to people and convert them.
The next morning, I dragged myself out of bed at 7:30 AM on a Saturday because, like every Saturday, the meeting point for the preaching service was at 9 AM. I dragged myself into the shower and quickly completed my morning routine, knowing that, as always, I was expected at breakfast at exactly 8 AM. Fortunately, my brother was an early riser and was already ready, so I had the bathroom we shared to myself. Thank God I managed to do my hair relatively quickly today, so I appeared somewhat punctually at the breakfast table.
“Wow, on time today. Who are you and what have you done with my brother?”
“Shut up, Daniel, not everyone can be a nerd like you.”
“That's enough now, it's time for the daily text. Daniel, would you please read it?”
The daily text is a kind of calendar where a Bible text is provided for each day and subsequently explained. In our family, it was a fixed ritual to start each day with a Bible text.
At exactly 8:45 AM, we were at the Kingdom Hall, and my parents greeted the participants of the meeting point. Here too, the daily text was first discussed together at exactly 9 AM, and then my father gave the participants useful tips for the preaching service. I hated having to go to the preaching service and always felt like I was bothering or annoying people when I rang their doorbell to talk to them about the Bible. Additionally, I was always afraid of encountering schoolmates at the doors. I was already the outsider in my class because I wasn't allowed to socialize with my schoolmates privately since, according to my father, they were a bad influence on me, and the same applied to Daniel, of course. What I hated most was having to go to the preaching service with my father, as he always had something to criticize about me and my conversation skills. My father, of course, once again made the pairings for the preaching service, and in the end, what a big surprise, only he and I were left, so I once again had the pleasure of going with my old man. Every preacher, as they are called, had a fixed area with streets to work on, including me. And since my father wanted to improve my preaching technique again, we went to my area. As always, when I was with my father in the preaching service, I hoped at every door that no one would answer, but unfortunately, many were home that day. I recited my well-rehearsed conversation introductions at each door and luckily always quickly heard "Not interested" from the people. My father was, of course, eager to improve me and give me good advice. So, the 2 hours of the preaching service dragged on endlessly once again. As time was already far advanced, we decided to tackle just one last door. I rang the bell, as always hoping no one would answer, but it turned out differently. A blond boy my age opened the door, and I sighed inwardly; I hated having to witness to teenagers my age, especially if they were from my school, but fortunately, I didn't know this boy. I recited my usual text:
“Good day, my name is Hellmann, this is my father, and we are at your door today to talk to you about whether the Bible is still relevant in our time and can help us with our daily problems.” I firmly expected a "Not interested," but the boy grinned at me and said:
“No idea, to be honest, I have no clue what's in the Bible. My parents are atheists and aren't interested, but I would be interested in what's in the Bible.”
I was totally baffled by his reaction and was momentarily frozen, but my father helped me out of the predicament once again.
“We also offer free home Bible studies. If you're interested in the Bible, I would be very happy to teach you the Bible, young man.”
“Please don't be offended, but I would prefer to do it with someone my age because I'm a bit shy.”
“Okay, no problem, then my son will teach you the Bible.”
“Okay, if you're really interested, then we can set up an appointment, and I'll come to your house. By the way, I'm Luca.”
I shook his hand.
“Jonas, nice to meet you.”
I liked him from the first moment, and so we exchanged phone numbers to arrange an appointment in the coming days. My father was, of course, very proud of me; his shy son finally had his first home Bible study. I was confused; I had never gotten this far at the door before, and then with someone my age. I was nervous thinking about our first appointment.
In the afternoon, Daniel and I hurried to pack the grill meat and sausages into our backpacks and hop on our bikes heading toward the quarry pond. It was a hot summer day, and the lake was less than 5 kilometers from our house, so we managed to arrive somewhat punctually at the agreed meeting point.
“Luca, Daniel, there you are finally, the grill is already set up, only the coal isn't ready yet,” Finn came to meet us.
“No stress, we'll do it together then, are the others already there?”
"Yes, you are the last ones, now we are complete."
The others were already sitting at our usual spot by the lake, the girls were chatting while the boys tried to get the grill going.
"Guess who managed to set up his first home Bible study today," Daniel blurted out.
"Wow, I'm impressed, Luca, I wouldn't have thought that a preaching service grump like you would get a home Bible study," teased Rahel.
"See, even a blind hen finds a grain sometimes," Finn said laughing.
"Oh, shut up, you're just jealous because I'm such a preaching ace."
This statement caused general laughter, and then I had to tell my friends in detail how exactly I had managed it. After we finally got the grill going, we placed our collected barbecue food on it, spread out the picnic blankets, made ourselves comfortable, and enjoyed the beautiful summer day by the lake. When we were done eating, we all lay in the sun, chatted, or dozed a little. After a short time, my brother got bored and decided, since he was a good swimmer, to swim over to the small island in the middle of the lake.
"I'm swimming over to the island, need to burn off some energy."
"I'm coming with you, wait for me," Max said.
The rest of us didn't feel like joining and decided to chill a bit more, so Max and Daniel set off alone. As the four of us lay in the sun, I suddenly noticed how my annoying classmate Leon with his dumb friends Sven and Tim approached us.
"Oh no, Finn, Rahel, Lea, look, there comes Leon with his dumb friends, now there's probably going to be trouble again."
"What do I see there, the Jehovahs in swimwear by the lake, are you even allowed to do that, are you done with your missionary work for today," Leon taunted.
"Oh Leon, you blockhead, shut your mouth and leave us in peace," I replied.
"For a prayer sister, you sure have a big mouth."
"Guys, we don't want any trouble, can't you just leave us alone," Finn said.
"Shut up, you little Jehovah fag, I decide who gets to lie here and who doesn't, this is our territory."
"Ah, that's why it smells like piss here, you must have already marked your territory," Rahel laughed.
"You have quite a big mouth, little one, but I won't be so harsh, after all, you look really hot without your nun's outfit, I didn't know you had such big tits."
Leon was already approaching Rahel while his friends held us in check and tried to grope her chest.
"Don't you dare, you stupid ape, or you'll regret it."
"Oh yeah, what are you going to do about it, little one," Leon said with a diabolical grin. And then he got a hearty kick in the groin.
"You bitch, that was a big mistake, I was actually trying to be nice to you, but now you're going to get it the hard way."
Leon held Rahel tight, and just as he was about to grope her chest, Lea suddenly pulled a small can out of her bag and sprayed its contents directly into his eyes.
"Ah, you dirty little bitch, it burns like hell," Leon screamed. That was our cue, Finn and I began to awaken from our paralysis. I punched Sven right in the nose, while Finn landed a blow directly in Tim's stomach, our guards yelped and let us go.
"Come on, let's get out of here, guys, the Jehovahs are really crazy," Leon said, and he and his friends quickly made their escape. From a distance, he called out to me:
"Don't feel too safe, Hellmann, school starts again soon, and there won't be any friends to hide behind."
"What an asshole, I'm already sick thinking about seeing him and his friends again at school."
"Wow, Lea, that was so cool, what did you spray in his eyes?"
"Pepper spray, I always have a can for emergencies in my bag."
"Wow, our little Lea is a real Amazon," Finn said laughing.
"Thank you, Lea, I don't know how it would have turned out without you," Rahel sobbed and hugged her friend. Finn and I also hugged Rahel and tried to comfort her. This incident had, of course, spoiled our mood considerably, so Rahel and Lea decided to leave. Finn and I would have preferred to go too, but since Daniel and Max hadn't returned yet and their things were with us, we had no choice but to wait for them. To kill time, we decided to play a little table tennis on the tables set up by the lake. We were both good players since we also played tennis, and so we had another one of our famous epic matches, which I won a bit luckily with a net roller at the end.
"Oh man, Luca, you farmer, without the net roller, I would have had you."
"Keep dreaming, I'm just the better player, admit it," I said laughing, and Finn immediately pounced on me and tried to silence me with a tickle attack.
"Stop it, okay, I take it back, you're obviously the better player, and I just got lucky," I said, gasping for air.
"Are we interrupting, or should we come back later?"
Suddenly, Daniel and Max were standing in front of us, grinning.
"Ah, just shut up already, and where have you been for so long anyway? You have no idea what went down here while you were gone."
"Why, did we miss something? And by the way, where did the girls go?"
Then we had to tell them in detail what had happened. When I finished my explanations, I looked at two angry faces.
"What are those jerks thinking, anyway? I'd love to really smash their faces in."
"Max, don't worry, Finn and I already took care of it. We really messed up Sven and Tim, and Leon got a good dose of pepper spray in his stupid face from Lea."
"Lea, are we talking about our Lea? That little one is really something, I can't believe it. Where did she even get that stuff?"
"Daniel, no idea. She said she always has a can in her bag for emergencies. Isn't it crazy? I would never have expected that from the little one," I said, laughing. After celebrating Lea and her super cool action for a while, we decided to pack up and bike home. Once we got home, we said goodbye to Finn, as he was expected by his parents. Daniel went to his room with Max, and I went to mine and decided to listen to some music. At exactly 7 PM, it was time for dinner with the family.
"Was it nice at the lake today?" my mother asked at the dinner table.
"Yeah, it was really funny, the weather was great too," I lied, as I didn't feel like telling them about the day's events. After the obligatory table prayer, dinner dragged on in silence, except for my mother, who was ecstatic that I had landed my first home Bible study. After dinner, I decided to go to our home gym in the basement, yes, you heard right, physical exercise, as my father called it, was very important to him, so he equipped the basement with fitness equipment a few years ago, and I wanted to blow off some steam there. Our gym was also very popular with our friends, Max and Finn often came to train there. I put on my headphones, turned up the music, and started my workout. After a good hour of hard training, I decided to call it a day and go shower. Arriving in the bathroom, I undressed and looked at my body in the mirror, I was satisfied with what I saw: six-pack, well-defined chest, only in terms of mass I could still gain, I thought, but there was still time for that at almost 16 years old. Unlike Finn, I didn't have my own PC in my room; the only PC in the house was in my father's study, and I was only allowed to use it for important schoolwork or for Jehovah's Witness meetings. I often met with Finn at his house to secretly watch porn on his PC in his room. Initially, we just watched together and then each jerked off at home, but lately, we had started jerking off together in front of the PC, each with his dick in hand until we came. I found our joint jerk-off sessions really exciting, just the thrill of the forbidden, and Finn felt the same way. It's worth mentioning that sex before marriage and even masturbation are forbidden for us. There's even a book titled "Questions Young People Ask" that deals with these topics in detail. The Bible mentions a guy named Onan who was supposed to marry his deceased brother's wife and have children with her, but he wasn't into it and would pull out and spill his seed on the ground, which was condemned by God. From this story, the Witnesses deduced that masturbation is not okay with God, hence a general ban on it. It was acknowledged that it might happen since we are imperfect and all, but then one should sincerely repent and ask God for forgiveness in prayer. So much for that, but as you can imagine, it's absolutely impossible for a teenager to get by without masturbating, otherwise, you'd feel like your balls would explode. So Finn and I decided to do it secretly, like most other Witness kids probably do as well. Anyway, I stood in front of the mirror, looking at my dick. I was actually quite satisfied with it; it was uncircumcised, slightly curved at the top, and already a decent size, but I hoped it would still grow since I was still growing and all. Once in the shower, I recalled one of the films I had watched with Finn, and soon my dick was rock hard. I spread some shower gel on my painfully hard dick and began to jerk off, faster and faster until I finally came and shot my load in several spurts against the shower glass. Afterward, as often, I felt guilty because it was forbidden and all, but I just couldn't do without it. Back in my room, I listened to some music and tried to chill a bit when my phone suddenly notified me of an incoming text message. It was from Rahel, and I opened it excitedly because I was worried about her after the events at the lake:
"Hey Luca, can you sneak out for a bit? I'm waiting for you at our spot."
I immediately replied:
"Okay, I'm coming, just hope my parents don't catch me."
My parents certainly wouldn't be thrilled if I left the house at this hour, but I had already devised a plan in case my disappearance didn't go unnoticed; I would pretend I was taking out the trash, so I grabbed the wastebasket from my room, stuffed it full, and sneaked down the stairs with the trash bag. Luckily, there was no sign of my parents, so I managed to leave the house unnoticed. Rahel and I always met at a playground near our house to chat, and over time it had become our secret meeting place. As I approached the playground, I saw Rahel already sitting on the swing. I sat on the swing next to her.
"Hey, how are you?"
"Oh well, I've been better, you know, I just hate guys like that Leon. As if it wasn't hard enough for us as Jehovah's Witnesses to cope at school and all, those jerks make life even harder."
"Yeah, I know, the guy is just a jerk, but what can I say, I have to be in the same class with him and his stupid friends."
"Yeah, I really don't envy you for that, at least I have Lea who is in the same class with me, but you're really on your own in your class, especially since Finn goes to another school, I'm really worried about you."
"Hey, you're the one who was almost groped by that creep today and you're worried about me? Don't worry, I'm tough, I'll handle those guys."
"Yeah, I know you're strong, but you really mean a lot to me and I don't want those guys to make your life hell at school because of me."
"Oh, they didn't like me before either, so nothing has changed in the situation."
I laughed and hugged her.
"So don't worry so much about me, I'll be fine."
"Luca, I can't help it, I'll always worry about you, whether you're okay. Luca, listen, I've actually wanted to tell you something for a long time, but I didn't dare, I was afraid it would ruin our friendship. But I can't keep it to myself any longer. Okay, I'll just say it now before I lose my courage: Luca, I love you more than anything. I love you more than just a good friend and when I really think about it, I think I've always loved you, from the first moment I moved here with my family and met you as a child, and you ran up to me beaming and welcomed me and asked if we could be friends, from that moment I loved you. I know this is probably a big shock for you because we've practically known each other our whole lives, but I can't change my feelings for you. I want you to know that I don't expect anything from you and I definitely don't want our friendship to be ruined because of this."
I looked at her totally confused and at that moment I had no idea what to say.
"Hey, don't look at me like that, just don't say anything, I'm not expecting an answer from you. I just wanted you to finally know. Wow, it feels good to finally get that off my chest," she said, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and left me in my emotional chaos. I sat on that swing for what felt like hours, unable to think clearly, when I suddenly realized how late it was and that if I didn't want to get caught, I should head home quickly. When I got home, I opened the front door as quietly as possible and sneaked upstairs. Luckily, my disappearance seemed to have gone unnoticed. Once in my room, my thoughts kept circling around Rahel and her unexpected confession of love. I was totally confused, I desperately needed to talk to someone. My first thought was Finn, but it was too late to go to him and I didn't want to talk about it on the phone. Then my brother came to mind, Daniel just had to help me. A bit hesitant, I stood in front of his door but finally gathered my courage and knocked.
"Yes, come in."
When I entered Daniel's room, I saw that Max was also there.
"Oh sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, I didn't know you had company," I said and was about to leave when I heard my brother laughing:
"Nonsense, you're not interrupting and since when are you so formal and call Max company, besides he was just about to leave anyway."
"Uh yeah, I should get home before my parents get mad. Bye Luca," and he was gone.
"Okay little brother, what's up, what's bothering you," Daniel said grinning.
"Oh man Daniel, can't you be serious for once, I really have a problem and need someone to talk to."
"Sorry Luca, what's going on, does it have something to do with Leon and his friends, are they threatening you, I'll take care of them."
"No, it has nothing to do with them, I don't care about them. It's about Rahel, I just met her outside at the playground, she wanted to talk to me."
"So, did someone sneak out of the house secretly?"
"Man Daniel, cut it out."
"Okay sorry, I'm sorry, how is she doing? Did she handle Leon's attack okay?"
"Yeah, I think so, we didn't really talk about that."
"And what did you talk about then? Oh man Luca, don't make me drag it out of you."
"Okay, she confessed to me that she's in love with me, she said she always has been."
"Wow, and what did you say to that?"
"Nothing."
"What do you mean nothing, you didn't just leave her sitting there and run away, did you?"
"No, of course not, she basically left me sitting there and said she didn't expect an answer from me and definitely didn't want our friendship to be ruined because of this."
"Okay and what about you, do you love her too?"
"Yeah, of course, I love her, she's my best friend, but I don't know if I love her the way she loves me."
"Yeah, that's a dilemma little brother, you should figure that out as soon as possible. So, the consultation is now over, I'll put my fee on your bill."
"Oh man, you're so silly," I said, but I couldn't help but grin.
"That's more like it little brother, and now get to bed and don't overthink it."
Great, my big brother wasn't much help either, so I lay in my bed, mulling things over, unable to sleep. Tomorrow morning at the Kingdom Hall, I would see Rahel again, and I had no idea how to behave around her. I had never seen her as more than my best friend; I was just totally confused. Suddenly, my phone rang, notifying me of a new text message. The message was from Jonas, my new home Bible study, whom I had completely forgotten about in all the commotion. I quickly opened his message and read the following text:
"Hi, Jonas here, you came to my door today and wanted to teach me about the Bible. I have time tomorrow afternoon, let's say around 3 PM, does that work for you?"
Tomorrow afternoon, yes, I should be able to make that, so I wrote back:
"Yes, that's fine, I'll come to your house tomorrow."
Not a minute later, his reply followed:
"Cool, see you tomorrow, do I need to get a Bible or something?"
I chuckled at this message and promptly replied:
"No, it's fine, I'll bring everything."
Once again, my SMS inbox lit up:
"Okay, looking forward to it, see you tomorrow."
"Yes, see you tomorrow."
Somehow, I was looking forward to going to him tomorrow, although I was also a bit nervous since it was my first home Bible study, but the distraction would surely do me good.
I must have fallen asleep at some point because the next morning, I was rudely awakened by my alarm clock. I hated that damn thing; no one should have to get up at 7:30 on a Sunday morning, but I was used to it because every Sunday at exactly 9:30, the meeting at the Kingdom Hall began. As always, I dragged myself into the shower and tried to get ready as quickly as possible, with the full program, of course: suit, tie, patent leather shoes, everything had to be perfect when we went to the meeting. At exactly 8 o'clock, my parents were strict about this, breakfast was served, which I, of course, reached again with some delay.
"Man, Luca, can't you be on time for once, can't you follow the simplest rules?"
"I'm sorry, Dad, I didn't sleep well."
"Alright, now that you're here, let's start discussing today's text. Luca, would you please read?"
And we were back in the usual daily routine.
Arriving at the meeting, I greeted my friends first, as always, including Rahel. She appeared outwardly the same as always and didn't show any signs. Well, we didn't have much time for long conversations anyway, as the meeting was about to start. After 2 hours of sitting still and listening intently, taking notes, yes, you heard right, because my father regularly quizzed me and my brother about the content of the talks, and woe to anyone who hadn't paid attention, they would be given some stupid punishment, the meeting was finally over. We gathered again and discussed what we could do today. Finn suggested:
"How about it, do we want to go to the lake again today?"
Lea responded:
"Oh, I don't know, I think Rahel isn't too keen on going there again after yesterday's events."
"No, Lea, it's fine, the weather is great again, and besides, I'm not going to let those idiots drive me away."
"Cool," said Finn, "are the rest of you coming too?"
After Daniel and Max agreed, all eyes were on me.
"I can't, I have an appointment for my first home Bible study at 3 PM, but maybe I can join later."
"Should I come with you, and then we can go together afterward?" suggested Finn.
"No, it's fine, you guys go ahead, I'll come later."
After lunch at home, Daniel headed to the lake, and I went to Jonas.
"See you later, little brother, good luck," said Daniel before he got on his bike and headed towards the lake.
Arriving at Jonas's door, I was a bit nervous and had sweaty hands, but then I gave myself a push and rang the doorbell. Inside, I heard voices:
"It's alright, Mom, it's for me, I'll get it."
When he opened the door, he grinned at me.
"There you are, right on time, very commendable. Now come on, don't just stand there like you're rooted to the spot, let's go up to my room."
Jonas lived in a nice single-family house in the new development; they must have just moved in recently because not everything was 100% finished yet, and there were still some moving boxes in the house.
"Sorry for the mess here, we just moved in this week and haven't gotten around to unpacking all the moving boxes yet," Jonas said when he noticed my gaze.
"Hey, it's no problem, moving is a lot of work."
"Come on, let's quickly go to my room before we run into my parents, they're always so terribly curious and will bombard you with questions as soon as they get their hands on you. So here we are, my room is already completely furnished," he said, opening the door. His room was really nice. It was very large, bright, and modernly furnished. To the side of the window stood a large box spring bed, opposite a TV on a white high-gloss sideboard, and there was also a cozy sitting area with a small table and a large desk with a computer.
"He cool room, I really like it."
"Thanks, I also think it turned out quite well, but my parents really gave me free rein with the setup. Tell me, what do you actually look like, do you always walk around in a suit and tie, even when it's as hot as today?"
"No, in my free time I dress normally," I said grinning. Jonas insisted I take off my suit and tie and make myself comfortable on the sofa. After we made ourselves comfortable on the sofa, Jonas suddenly said:
"Oh man, I'm such a bad host, I haven't even offered you anything to drink yet. What do you want to drink?"
"Uh yeah, a Coke would be cool if you have it, otherwise water will do."
"No, no, Coke is fine, we have it," he said and shortly after disappeared from the room, only to return a short time later with a large bottle of Coke and 2 glasses.
"So now we should have everything, shall we start?"
"Sure, let's get started," I said.
Then we began to study the Knowledge Book, a Bible-explaining publication of the Witnesses. After a good 2 hours, we decided to call it a day. I was very satisfied with how my first home Bible study had gone and was about to say goodbye to Jonas when he suddenly asked:
"Hey, do you have to go already, or do you feel like playing a round on the PlayStation with me?"
I had always wanted a PlayStation, I always played promo games with Finn at the MediaMarkt because, of course, I wasn't allowed to have one since my parents didn't approve at all. This offer was just too tempting to turn down, well the others were already waiting for me at the lake, but I definitely had half an hour to spare.
"Yeah cool, why not, but I don't have much time, I wanted to meet my friends at the lake, what games do you have?"
Jonas had a lot of cool games, and after a long deliberation, we chose FIFA, one of my absolute favorite games. I picked Juventus Turin, my absolute favorite club as a half-Italian, Jonas played with Bayern Munich. In the first games, my lack of practice was quickly noticeable because I didn't stand a chance against Jonas, but my ambition was awakened. We didn't even notice how time flew by, I got better with each game and could keep up more and more, I even ignored the constant beeping of my phone. It was just so much fun playing with Jonas and chatting. He was 16 years old, had moved here with his parents from the big city because he had some problems there, but he didn't want to go into detail. He also played tennis and was looking for a local club, and as we found out, he would be going to the same school as me after the summer holidays. After my phone had beeped dozens of times, we decided to take a break, which gave me the opportunity to check my phone. There were numerous messages and missed calls. Message 1 was from Finn:
"Luca, where are you? We're all here waiting for you."
Message 2 from Daniel:
"Bro, please get in touch, we're starting to worry."
Message 3 from Rahel:
"Hey Luca, if you don't want to come because of yesterday's thing, because you don't know how to deal with me, I told you that I don't expect anything from you, you can treat me normally and don't have to avoid me."
Message 4 again from Finn, was the latest:
"Hey Luca, you don't need to come anymore, it just started pouring rain, we're packing up and going home. Get in touch, is everything okay with you?"
Only now did I realize how late it was, already after 7 PM. I really had to go now, otherwise, there would be trouble at home.
"Hey Jonas, I have to get going."
He looked at me grinning:
"Have you looked out the window, it's pouring rain and a big storm is brewing outside. You can't possibly ride your bike home now. Is there anyone who can pick you up, what about your parents?"
No, my parents were not an option, how could I explain to them what I was doing at my home Bible study at this time.
"No, my parents are not a good idea, I guess I'll have to wait here until the storm is over."
"Hey, I just checked the weather report and they said the storm is supposed to last all night."
"Shit, what do I do now?"
"Hey, it's not a problem, you can stay here overnight, I have a freshly packed toothbrush for guests, towels, underwear, and a T-shirt you can also have from me if you want.
"Hey, don't get me wrong, I would really like to stay over, but my parents would never allow it.
"Really, why not?"
"I'll explain another time."
"Should I ask my parents if they can drive you home?"
"Hey, I'm really uncomfortable with that, but it would be really cool if they could."
"No, it's no problem, they would be happy to," he said and disappeared from the room. Through the door, I heard voices and discussions but couldn't really understand what was being said. Then Jonas came back.
"I'm sorry, but they've already had something to drink, they opened a bottle of wine, but they asked if you want to sleep over at our place, and tomorrow morning they would drive you home if you want. They even offered to call your parents and ask for permission if you like."
"No, definitely not, okay I'll try to work something out so I can stay over here."
First, I called Finn:
"Finally you're calling, I was about to file a missing person report."
"Finn, listen, I have a problem and need your help. I'm still at Jonas', my home Bible study, and after the study, he convinced me to play on the PlayStation and we totally lost track of time. Because of the storm, I can't leave now and will have to stay here overnight, you know what a fuss my parents would make about that, so I want to tell them I'm staying over at your place, just so you know in case they ask you."
"Yeah, okay, I'll keep quiet. But tell me something else, what's going on with you and Rahel, she was acting so weird today when you didn't show up?"
"I'll explain that to you another time, okay, I have to call my parents now. Thanks again, see you tomorrow."
"Okay, all right, no problem, see you tomorrow then, bye."
So, next I dialed our number and listened with a pounding heart to the ringtone.
"Hellmann, hello."
"Ah Daniel, it's you, Luca here."
"Luca, finally, what happened, where are you?"
So I told my brother what had happened, but asked for silence, but I knew I could rely on him, we had covered for each other in front of our parents many times before. Daniel had fortunately managed that my parents hadn't even noticed my absence until now. When I finished my explanation, I asked Daniel to get my father on the phone.
"Dad, can you come, Luca is on the phone."
"Luca, what's going on, where are you, I thought you were in your room."
"No, Dad, I went to Finn's after the lake when the storm suddenly caught us. Is it okay if I sleep over at Finn's tonight?"
Oh God, my heart was pounding in my throat, I sincerely hoped that my father wouldn't get the idea to pick me up there or want to speak to Finn's parents. I was really treading on thin ice with my lie, I knew that, but I couldn't think of anything better on the spur of the moment.
"Did you ask his parents for permission?"
"Yes, Dad, I’m not staying at Finn’s for the first time."
"Alright, but see to it that you're home early tomorrow. By the way, how did your home Bible study go today?"
"Very well, Dad, Jonas is really interested and had a lot of good questions. I think it could work out with him."
"Very good, Luca, I'm proud of you, you've finally overcome your fear of people and are on your way to becoming a good preacher."
"Thanks, Dad, yeah, a home Bible study is really fulfilling. See you tomorrow then, say hi to Mom for me."
Wow, I was really infinitely relieved that my father believed my lie.
"Hey, I didn't know you could lie so well."
Jonas was suddenly standing next to me, grinning.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but you weren't exactly quiet. Why all the fuss, why don't you just tell your parents you're staying here?"
I turned red, feeling caught.
"Well, that's not so easy to explain, my parents would never allow me to sleep at your place because you're not a Witness."
"Really, because I'm not a Witness, you can't stay over at my place?"
"Yeah, we're not supposed to have private dealings with non-Witnesses because they could be a bad influence on us."
"Okay, so I'm a bad influence on you?"
Jonas looked visibly hurt.
"Um, well, no. Oh, I don't know, I'm not saying it's my opinion too. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. I like you and enjoy being with you."
Suddenly Jonas was smiling again.
"Yeah, I feel the same way. Thanks for being so honest. There was a knock on the door.
"Yes, come in."
Jonas' mother peeked into the room.
"Hey boys, dinner is ready, are you coming?"
We didn't need to be asked twice, and soon we were sitting at the dining table with four of us.
"Luca, I hope you like lasagna?"
"Yes, I love lasagna. Thank you again for letting me stay over, Mrs. Stahl."
"Hey, call me Elke, please, Mrs. Stahl makes me feel so old," Jonas' mother said, laughing.
"And I'm Peter, by the way, the father of this rascal here. Nice to meet you. Sorry again that we couldn't drive you home. I hope you didn't get into trouble with your parents because of it."
"No, don't worry, I sorted everything out with them, they don't mind me staying here," I lied.
The food was really excellent, and Jonas' parents were very friendly to me.
"How did you two actually meet?" Jonas' mother suddenly wanted to know.
"Oh, Mom, don't always be so curious, but if you really want to know, we met yesterday at the bakery when I was getting rolls. So, we're going to my room, good night my dear annoying parents."
"Good night, my darling, do you need anything else?"
"No, thanks, Mum, we have everything."
"Good night, Luca."
"Good night Mr. and Mrs. Stahl, uh I mean Elke and Peter."
And we disappeared into Jonas's room.
"Sorry that my parents are so curious, they always have to question every friend I bring home."
"Hey, it's okay, I think your parents are really nice."
"Yeah, they're actually quite okay," Jonas said, grinning.
"So, I'm going to jump in the shower quickly, I put a fresh pair of boxers and a towel on the bed for you. I won't be long, then you can take a shower."
"Okay, thanks for everything."
"Don't mention it, I'm glad you're here," he said, and shortly after, I heard the shower running. As I sat there waiting for Jonas to finish showering, my bladder suddenly made itself known with full force. Since I really couldn't hold it any longer, I decided to knock on the bathroom door. Hmm, no reaction, but he probably didn't hear me because the water was still running. So I pressed the door handle and went in; luckily, he hadn't locked it. I hurried to the toilet, stood there, of course lifting the toilet lid first, took out my penis, and began to relieve myself. When I was done, I flushed, and at that moment, as I turned around, Jonas came out of the shower. He was visibly startled and blushed when he saw me. The reason was hard to miss; he had a semi-erection, and it looked like he had just been pleasuring himself. He really looked good naked, well, for a boy. He was slim, had a nicely defined body, a six-pack, and his penis was also of considerable size. I turned beet red and stammered:
"Sorry, I didn't mean to barge in, but you didn't respond to my knocking, and I really had to go."
"Hey, relax, it's no big deal. You can go shower now; I'll bring you the boxers and towel."
I quickly undressed, and just as I was about to step into the shower, Jonas came in with my things.
He stared at me and said, grinning:
"Now we're even, I guess," and handed me my towel.
"Thanks," I said uncertainly and disappeared into the shower.
I wasn't quite sure what to make of his last remark, and it was a bit embarrassing that he had seen me naked, but after all, I had seen him in his birthday suit too. I quickly got ready for bed and went back to the room.
"Hey, I hope you're not mad about earlier."
"No, it's fine, after all, I saw you naked too, so we're kind of even," I said, laughing.
Both of us stood there in boxers and T-shirts, grinning at each other.
"Do you want to play another round on the PlayStation? I'll give you a rematch," Jonas said, grinning.
"Don't brag, I'm going to beat you this time," I replied.
Of course, I lost all the games again, but I was getting better. After two more hours of gaming, we decided to call it a night and go to bed.
"Hey, I'll get you soon, next time it's your turn."
"Yeah, yeah, keep dreaming, maybe you should just pick a decent team like Bayern Munich instead of always choosing Juventus Urin," Jonas said, laughing.
"Hey, take that back," I said and threw a pillow at Jonas's face.
"Just wait, now you're in for it," Jonas said, and what started as harmless ended in a full-blown pillow fight. We really had a lot of fun. In the end, he threw me onto the bed and started tickling me until I couldn't take it anymore.
"Mercy, please, I give up, I can't take it anymore."
Jonas pinned me to the bed, held my hands down, and said:
"Say that I'm the best PlayStation player in the world and Bayern Munich is the coolest team in the world."
"Okay, you're the best PlayStation player in the world, and Bayern Munich is the coolest team, satisfied?"
He still held me down and stared at me. His gaze made me feel both hot and cold at the same time, and I shuddered. His face suddenly came very close to mine, and my heart pounded in my chest. Then he suddenly grinned and said:
"Alright, I'll let it go," and released me.
"Hey, I hope you don't mind sharing a bed with me, because I only have the one."
"No, it's no problem at all. Thanks for letting me sleep here."
"Hey, you don't have to keep thanking me, I'm glad you're here."
Then we went to sleep. Jonas had a large double bed, so there was plenty of room for both of us. We chatted in the dark for quite a while about everything and anything until he suddenly asked me:
"What's it like being a Jehovah's Witness? I mean, do people at school accept it and stuff?"
"Well, what's it like? I don't know, I don't know anything else. At school, I'm an outsider and sometimes get bullied by some. I'm not a wimp or anything, and I don't start crying because of it, but sometimes I wish I could just be like everyone else and not always the odd one out. But luckily, I have my friends; they're also Witnesses, go through some of the same things, and understand me. But without them, I would be really lonely."
"Yes, I know what you mean, not this witness thing, but how it feels to be an outsider. I was also an outsider at my old school and was really badly bullied."
"Really, you and an outsider, I can't imagine that."
"Well, it wasn't always like that, I used to be popular, had a big clique, and then suddenly everything changed, so much so that I was even bullied by my former friends. I couldn't take it there anymore, that's why we moved."
"I'm really sorry for you, but I don't quite understand, why did everything suddenly change? What happened?"
"Don't be mad at me, I'm getting tired, I'll tell you the story another time, okay."
"Hey, no problem, sorry, I didn't mean to be nosy."
"No worries, all good. Sleep well, Luca."
"Yeah, you too."
Shortly after, I heard him breathing regularly, he must have already fallen asleep. I found it hard to fall asleep today, too much was going through my mind

Monday
‘Good morning, everyone!’ Pummel enters the classroom right on time as the bell rings. Pummel is our maths teacher and his real name is actually Mr Pommel, but the nickname given to him by his students long ago is much more fitting, because Mr Pommel is – well, he's very fat. And about as tall as he is wide. When he walks through the school corridors, it looks like a big ball with a white beard is rolling towards you. Nevertheless, he has the respect of the entire student body. Not because he is particularly strict; he simply treats us fairly, and we appreciate that.
On Mondays, we have basic maths in the first block. Ninety minutes of probability theory – not really everyone's cup of tea. At least not mine. In the twelfth grade, everyone struggled with these tricky integral calculations; I loved them. Logical and comprehensible, you just had to be careful not to make any stupid slip-of-the-pen error, then they would miraculously dissolve into nothingness. At least it was clear and unambiguous! That stupid probability, on the other hand... Somewhere in my head, a wall always goes up, and then nothing works anymore. I can't stand tree diagrams anymore.
‘I hope you had a pleasant weekend and also had the opportunity to take a look or two at your maths book.’ Oh yes, Pummel is already standing at the blackboard. His cheerful grin is met with tired muttering from most of the students.
I raise my eyes briefly to give him an annoyed look, but freeze in surprise: Pummel is not standing alone in front of the class. There is someone else standing next to him. A boy (or should I say a young man? Some of us are nineteen, after all), whom I have never seen before. I'm quite sure about that, because I would have definitely remembered him. Just look at his clothes: black Docs (exactly the kind I've wanted to get for years), black leather trousers with a studded belt and a tight-fitting, slightly tattered, coarse-meshed, dark red wool sweater that shows more than it covers (he's not wearing a T-shirt underneath!). In addition, jet-black, thick curls frame a strikingly pale face. He has a lot of kohl around his dark eyes, which further emphasises his gothic appearance. Although – do gothics wear red wool sweaters? At least three silver-coloured rings sparkle on his left hand, the thumb of which he has casually clamped behind a belt loop. His fingernails are also painted – black, of course. My parents would probably disown me if I walked around like that. I can't see his right hand clearly, but he's holding his rucksack with it.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce your new classmate? This is Friedrich Baum.’ Pummel made a sweeping hand gesture. ‘Please sit down, Mr Baum.’
Frederick?! What kind of a stupid name is that? He himself seems to have no major problems with it. He looks around leisurely and then strolls over to my table.
‘Is this seat taken?’ Some actors would kill for a voice like that. It's hard to describe: firm yet soft, a bit dark yet not too deep, a bit like black-velvet sugar beet syrup. That's probably the best way to put it. Um...
I just nod. Robert, who was my neighbour at school until the summer, had to change schools after he failed his advanced course completely and had no way of repeating it at our school. Well, who would voluntarily choose French as an advanced course?
‘Great.’ Friedrich slams his backpack on the table and plops down on the chair next to me. “Do you have a sheet for me?”
I tear three out of my folder, which earns me an amused sidelong glance.
The rest of the class is also still paralysed. Some of the boys make a contemptuous face, but for the girls, Friedrich seems to be the new star. If I'm not mistaken, Melanie is even drooling. Most of them at least have such an ecstatic expression on their faces that I have to seriously worry about Friedrich. They will surely pounce on him in a moment. Fortunately, Pummel intervenes.
‘Let's start by reviewing what we covered last week,’ his voice booms through the room, waking even the last of them from their lethargy. “Who wants to go to the blackboard?”
Friedrich has taken a pencil out of his backpack and is writing attentively.
During the break, Friedrich is besieged. The girls in particular are really pushy. Each wants to be closest to him, to touch him, and if they are not careful, their eyes will surely pop out of their heads. I am curious too, but I keep unobtrusively in the background. You don't have to throw yourself at him like that, it's embarrassing.
Friedrich doesn't seem to mind the hustle and bustle. He doesn't really seem enthusiastic, but he doesn't offend anyone either, instead patiently answering all the questions: That he comes from Rostock, that he was expelled from school (although he remains silent about the reasons ), that he only ended up with us today, two weeks after the start of the school year, because of a mistake in the school administration, that he now lives in Friedrichshain (Why isn't anyone laughing at this point except me? At least Friedrich lifts his head and grins at me.), that he has chosen German and English as his advanced courses (which means that I will run into him quite often there), that he is already nineteen, that his rings are made of silver (he actually has two more on his right hand), that he is an only child, and so on.
Jochen, who is a little further away from the dense crowd than I am, studies him with a scowl over the heads of the girls. ‘And what's with the gay get-up?’ he demands, with a threatening undertone in his voice. ‘Are you a fag or what?’
The girls turn to him angrily, and I am also quite indignant. Okay, Jochen is someone who – unlike me, for example – has some say in our class. He is something of a leader, but sometimes just a stupid loudmouth (which nobody says to his face if they want to survive the day unscathed). His clique includes the most popular students in our year, and the chic Melanie, who was just idolising Friedrich, is of course his girlfriend. Maybe that's why he's so pissed off, but that's no reason to insult Friedrich like that! Hello? Does he tuck around? Does he wobble his bum when he walks? Does he drool after every ass? Does he have a nasal voice? Does he look like a wimp? And where on earth is his feather boa? Frederick is not gay! Never! He's just... quite strange. And apparently quite popular right away. Jochen is probably just worried about his rank.
‘Are you gay or what?’ Jochen repeats challengingly.
Friedrich looks up and stares at him calmly for a while. Then he smiles indulgently. ‘Yes. So? Do you have a problem with that, babe?’
Jochen's mouth falls open. He probably didn't expect that answer. Neither did I, though. It's the girls who, as always, are the first to react and loudly express their regret:
"Are you sure?’
‘Oh well, typical! Always the most interesting men...‘
’What a shame!"
The school bell ends the break and with it my paralysis. I just manage to see Friedrich wink at me cheerfully, then he disappears into the dense crowd at the entrances.
Jochen, who is still standing next to me, shuts his mouth and looks grim. ‘I'll get you for this,’ I hear him growl before he too disappears into the school building.
I don't really pay much attention to the following double chemistry lesson. Fortunately, we are not experimenting with any explosive substances today (when do we do that anyway?). My thoughts revolve far too much around the Friedrich problem. Problem? Actually, I don't have one with him. I hardly know him. At least I know that he is not taking a basic chemistry course. So he is probably struggling with biology. Not much better. And I know that he's gay. Do I have a problem with that? I've never known anyone who was gay before. I mainly got my knowledge from biology class, feature films and the kind of suggestive jokes that circulate in the schoolyard and especially in the sports changing room. OK, I admit it: I haven't got a clue! Shit, why Friedrich of all people? I was just starting to like him.
The last class of the day is German. I am already sitting at my place on the left side of the u-shaped tables when Friedrich enters the room. As if it were the most natural thing in the world, he heads straight for me.
"Are you sitting here alone, too?’
I nod. A different seating arrangement in every course can drive you crazy. But you get used to it. Since the beginning of the twelfth grade, I have managed to have an entire bench to myself most of the time. Only in maths, chemistry and art did Robert sit next to me.
‘Do you mind if I sit next to you?’ Friedrich is still standing next to my seat and looking at me intently.
‘No,‘ I reply uncertainly. “Why do you ask?”
’No reason.’ He tilts his head and smiles. ’Are you afraid of me? I won't bite.’
Given his appearance, I wouldn't be so sure about that. Who's to say he doesn't secretly fly around at night sucking the blood of innocent virgins? Or rather, young men?
‘What's Meier like?’ Friedrich has taken a seat and glanced at his timetable.
‘Quite okay. As long as you can imagine being a wild boar.’ I have to grin when he looks at me in confusion. “You'll see: Meier is... weird. But okay. By the way, I hope you know Faust by heart. At least the first part of the tragedy.”
Friedrich's expression is wonderful. It's as clear as day that he only understands Bahnhof.
‘Meier,‘ I explain, “is a Faustian through and through. Get ready for a wealth of quotes.”
’I see.’ Friedrich gives me a look that belies his words and changes the subject. ’Tell me, do you have something against me?’
I notice how I am blushing. ‘No, why?’
‘Well, you were so...’ He searches for a suitable word, ‘...dismissive’ earlier. ‘Could it be that you have a problem with me being gay?’
I turn even redder, if that is at all possible, and lower my eyes. ‘No, I, um...’ I had actually completely suppressed the subject for a moment. ‘I don't know,’ I admit. ‘I don't know any other gays.’
Friedrich struggles to suppress a grin. ‘But that's just what you believe. Just because no one in your immediate environment has come out doesn't mean that none of the people you know are gay. Or lesbian. Do you know the quota?’
"What quota?’
‘It is estimated that ten percent of humanity is homosexual. Probably even more.’ Now he can't help grinning. “And now do the maths.”
I actually do that. “That would mean that there are sixty lesbians and gays at our school alone,” I whisper to him, because in the meantime the bell has rung and Meier has started the lesson.
Friedrich winks at me and puts his finger to his lips. He obviously prefers to listen to Meier's comments on the Vormärz. I, too, try to concentrate on Georg Büchner, Ludwig Börne and Heinrich Heine, but I can't quite manage it – and German is my undisputed favourite subject. Sixty students – that's a damn lot. Who could be one of them? Friedrich, of course. But that still leaves fifty-nine. It's strange that none of them have attracted my attention so far. On the other hand, I can understand it: who would voluntarily make themselves a target of ridicule and hatred? The only one who doesn't seem to care is Friedrich. Like it or not, his behaviour commands my respect.
The bell startles me out of my thoughts.
‘So, ladies and gentlemen,’ I just catch Meier's last instructions, ’you can pick up your copy of Danton here at the front. We'll talk about it in two weeks, by then you should have read the work. See you tomorrow.’
Friedrich brings me a copy of the book while I'm still packing up my things. He seems to be really taken with Büchner. ‘I've read Danton before,’ he explains enthusiastically. ‘The play is really great. And Büchner was only twenty-two when he wrote it.’
‘He didn't live much longer, either,’ I interject, to show that I also have a little knowledge of the subject, and shoulder my backpack.
Friedrich nods thoughtfully and reaches for his bag. “Do you have another class now?”
I shake my head. Six hours on Mondays is enough for me.
‘Me neither.’ Friedrich looks at me with a strange smile that annoyingly makes me blush immediately. “Then we can walk together for a bit. Where do you live?”
I tell him the street.
‘Cool, that's almost around the corner from me. I live on Scharnweber.’ Friedrich seems really pleased.
As we cross the schoolyard, I see Jochen standing in the smoking corner with some of his clique. The looks they send Friedrich's way couldn't be called friendly, but that doesn't seem to bother him.
The underground is packed, as usual at this time. We stay at the door. It's only a few stops. When we get off at Samariterstraße station, Friedrich shakes like a dog.
‘I hate crowds,‘ he explains succinctly when he notices my questioning look. “Actually,” he adds thoughtfully, “sometimes I think I hate people in general.”
’I know the feeling,’ I say.
Meanwhile, we have reached the earth's surface and are standing on the busy Frankfurter Allee.
‘I have to go that way,‘ I explain, pointing to the right.
’I know.’ Friedrich looks at me for a moment as if he wants to say something else. But then he seems to change his mind. ’See you tomorrow.’
‘Yes, see you then.’ I turn around and make my way home.
Tuesday
I stand in front of the mirror, which is still a bit foggy from the shower, and look closely at my naked reflection. My dark brown hair is sticking to my head in a mess and water is dripping down my neck. Occasionally, one of the long strands curls, but compared to Friedrich's curls, it looks almost ridiculous. Annoyed, I brush it out of my forehead and, as so often, I am dissatisfied with myself and my body. It still seems much too gangly. No wonder my father always calls me Hungerhaken (literally translated as ‘skinny rake’, but used here as an insult) and complains about my poor feed conversion. My ribs are clearly visible; my arms look kind of too thin and my hipbones seem to want to pierce through the thin skin at any moment. No matter what I do, no muscles want to show up, and not even the tiniest shred of fat seems to want to spend the rest of its existence on my scrawny frame. I mean, you can look like that at fifteen or sixteen, but not at eighteen and a half! The only thing I'm really satisfied with is my shoulders. They're exactly what they should be: slightly sloping, grippy, nicely rounded, with an almost perfect transition to the upper arm. But who is interested in my shoulders? If I am to believe the conversations of our girls during break time, they have completely different physical demands; and a six-pack is the most harmless of them.
Jochens clique, on the other hand, is of the opinion that it really only depends on one particular muscle. But I can't talk about that either. The furthest I've ever gotten with a girl is touching her breasts. I don't know what the others find so great about it; for me it was a bit embarrassing, but she obviously liked it. Her name was Claudette, it was on holiday in France and so it was a few months back. I'm obviously a hopeless late bloomer. For the girls in my year, I'm at best the dear buddy with whom you can fool around a bit. Most of them are already in a relationship anyway. So no chance for me.
Sighing, I turn my back to the mirror and reach for my shorts. I have to hurry if I don't want to be late.
Obviously, Friedrich has been assigned to a different PW course than me; since all students who are not among the buddies who attend the advanced history or geography course have to take political world studies in the basic course, there are four of them in our grade level alone. In any case, I don't see him until the end of the break today. Our PW teacher had nothing better to do after class than to take up hours of my time discussing my presentation for the following week. Annoying.
When I finally make it out into the yard, the break is almost over. Friedrich is, as he was the day before, surrounded by his female fans, who still find him insanely interesting and oh-so-exciting. What they want from him, though, is beyond me. In any case, he's much too busy to notice me.
When the bell rings, I throw the rest of the apple, which I have nibbled on during the few minutes of my break, into the nearest rubbish bin and join the stream of students heading for the entrance of the school building. Quite a distance ahead of me, almost at the door, I see Friedrich's red jumper flashing, then Olaf the Viking pushes himself behind him and almost completely obscures him. The stream of students suddenly comes to a halt, a scuffle at the door, then it continues smoothly again. But something has happened, I saw Friedrich stumble before he disappeared inside the building. I can only make faster progress with difficulty, pushing my way through the crowds and squeezing myself, half squashed, through the entrance door, which is much too narrow for the stampede of students. I spot him in a blind spot next to the stairs. Friedrich is leaning against the wall, pressing a handkerchief to his nose. He looks up in surprise when I step up next to him.
‘Come on.’ Actually, I can't see blood, but should I just leave him there? I push him in front of me to the toilet rooms.
The students we meet in the hallway look a bit strange, but leave us alone. Exhaling, I close the door behind us, throw my backpack in a corner and turn to Frederick. His nose is still bleeding.
‘Do you get that a lot?’ I ask innocently, rummaging through my backpack for a crumpled black scarf.
Friedrich laughs angrily. “About every time someone sticks their elbow in my face,” he growls, holding his head over one of the sinks while supporting himself with his free hand on the edge of the sink.
I look over at him, confused. ‘Are you saying that was intentional?’ I think of Olaf the Viking. After all, he is one of Jochen's closest friends. And I still remember Jochen's hate-filled expression all too well.
Frederick shrugs. I turn on the cold water and hold the cloth under the jet until it is completely soaked.
‘Lower your head a bit,’ I instruct Frederick, and gently wring out the cloth. Then I put it on the back of his neck.
The school bell announces the start of the next lesson. We will be late, but I don't care about that at the moment. What is more important is that Friedrich's nosebleed is actually subsiding. After a while, he sits up and hands the cloth back to me.
‘Thank you.’ He washes his face and then takes a look at himself in the mirror. ‘How do I look?’
I look at his reflection. The kohl under his left eye is a little smudged, but that's not too noticeable. ‘Good,’ I say, and the next moment I'm blushing too. ‘I mean...’ I stammer, ‘uh, normal... well, um...’ Shit, how embarrassing. He must think I'm crazy.
Friedrich's reflection can't help but grin. ‘I see.’ He turns to me and blinks. ‘You're sweet, Moritz. Really.’ With that, he turns to the door. ‘Are you coming? We're already late anyway.’
As we enter the English room, all eyes immediately turn to us. Mr Zänkel, our English teacher, looks up from his book and gives us an angry look. He can't stand it when someone is late for his lessons and usually regards it as a sign of personal disrespect.
‘Sorry we're late, but Friedrich didn't feel well,’ I mutter an explanation and sink into my seat. Friedrich prefers not to say anything.
‘All right,’ Zänkel says graciously and turns to Jochen, who sits next to Olaf the Viking in the window row and whispers spitefully with him. “Mr Lehmann, can you speak up a bit, please? I don't understand if your talk has anything to do with our lesson.”
Jochen shakes his head and shoots a hostile glance in Friedrich's direction.
‘In that case, keep quiet so that we can continue our discussion. Lore, can you explain that again, please?"
I take my copy of Huxley's Brave New World out of my backpack and slide it across the table so that Friedrich can read along, and so we can now follow the discussion as well.
Before Jochen and Olaf leave the classroom after the lesson, Jochen stops briefly at my bench. ‘If I can give you one piece of good advice,’ he turns to me, ‘then this: Stay away from the fag. Otherwise...’ His voice sounds ice-cold.
‘Otherwise – what?‘ I ask angrily. What's with this stupid mind game?
’Otherwise, one might assume that you might have something in common with him?’ Jochen leans on the table with his hands, bends his upper body forward and looks at me with hate-filled eyes. ‘What were you doing in the toilets for so long?‘ He straightens up again, gestures to Olaf and leaves the room. The Viking throws me a kiss before he follows him; his brutal grin makes me shudder. That was a clear threat.
’I'm sorry.’ Frederick's voice pulls me out of my thoughts abruptly.
‘What?‘
’I'm sorry you're in trouble because of me.’ He has already shouldered his backpack and is standing next to the bench, waiting. His eyes rest thoughtfully on me. ’Maybe you should really stay away from me.’
I don't know if I should do that. I don't know what to do at all. I'm a grown man who should make his own decisions independently. Do I have to howl with the wolves just because Jochen calls the shots? On the other hand, I have to admit that I'm afraid. Olaf has a reputation as a notorious thug, not for nothing does he bear his nickname. Shit. And I don't even have anything against Friedrich. I actually like him quite a bit, even though he's a fag... I mean, even though he's gay. And sometimes he says strange things. That I'm cute, for example.
‘Think about it.’ Friedrich is still standing in front of me. And his voice sounds somehow disappointed. Damn it, what does he think I should do?
I just nod and grab my backpack. Art is on the programme for the next hour. That should give me enough time to think, if only because Friedrich has signed up for music.
Okay, I thought about it really thoroughly. Not only during the art lesson, but even during the subsequent double period of sports. Since I took volleyball for lack of sensible alternatives, not only was I of no great help to my team, but I also got the ball smashed into my head twice, so that I thought I saw stars.
And now I'm standing here at the school gate and I'm still not really sure what I should do. Is it easier to have Jochen and his followers as an enemy or to disappoint Friedrich? It's clear that he would be extremely disappointed in me. Wouldn't it be something like treason if I turned away from him for the sake of my own protection? What do I care about Jochen and his pipes? So far they haven't given a damn about me. They just don't like the fact that I get along well with Friedrich, who doesn't fit into their world view and should therefore be avoided by everyone. They are probably also jealous of him because, despite everything, the girls are keen on him.
Finally, Friedrich leaves the school building and saunters over to me. ‘Are you waiting for someone?’ he asks quite innocently. He has obviously noticed that I didn't immediately run away in panic when he appeared.
‘Hm,’ I say, taking another deep breath. Eeny, meeny, miny... Oh, what the heck, bite me in the ass. ’I was waiting for you. Didn't want to ride alone.’
Although he tries hard to appear calm, I notice that he is really happy. ‘That's good,’ he explains, unconcerned. ‘I don't feel like driving alone either.’
‘Tell me, are you in a hurry?’ We have left the underground station and are standing at the edge of Frankfurter Allee.
I was just about to say goodbye, but Friedrich's question forestalls me. I think about it. ‘Nah. Not really. Why?’
‘Oh, nothing.’ Friedrich tilts his head and looks – embarrassed? ‘I'd like to invite you. For a coffee. To my place.’
Oh, so that's what this is about. ‘Why's that?’
"No reason.’
Right. He just wants to chat me up, no doubt. Get me drunk with, er, coffee. Damn, I should start getting rid of my prejudices. ‘Now?’
Friedrich nods.
To be honest, I am a bit curious. For all I know, he lives here alone. Without parents. ‘All right,’ I concede. ‘But I have to be home by eight at the latest, otherwise my parents will get nervous.’ Let him think I'm a bit paranoid.
Sure, I should have guessed: Friedrich lives in one of those old apartment buildings that were rented out in a semi-legal manner until recently, in the backyard. And of course, right at the top. I almost collapse from exhaustion on the fourth floor. At home, we live on the first floor. When I imagine having to walk down and up all these steps just to take out the garbage or get the newspaper...
‘Here we are.’ Friedrich unlocks a door and pushes me into the hallway.
On the left wall hangs a tall mirror with a dark wooden frame adorned with an intricate Celtic relief. On the upper edge of the frame, a winged wooden dragon stretches out, peering down at me with watchful red glass-stone eyes. Opposite the mirror hangs a simple coat rack. Below that, on a shoe rack made of light softwood, are a pair of burgundy Docs and two pairs of basketball shoes, one of which is already quite worn out.
I leave my shoes in the hallway and follow Friedrich into the only room of the apartment, which is quite large. The walls of the room are painted in a warm red tone, but not completely: each red field, i.e. each wall, has a white frame along the sides, the floor and the ceiling, which is also painted white. This prevents the colour from being too intrusive and the room retains a certain lightness and spatial height. To the right of the door are two tall windows, one of which extends to the floor and has a metal railing. To the left, in the corner, instead of a bed on a slatted frame, there is a wide mattress. Next to it is a dark, solid wooden desk and a tall wardrobe made of the same material. The opposite wall is practically invisible. It disappears under the ceiling behind overflowing bookshelves. Many of the titles mean nothing to me, and if Friedrich has really read all these books, that's another point where I have to admire him without envy.
In the meantime, Friedrich has actually made coffee in the kitchen, which is in front of the living room when viewed from the hallway, and now he comes in with the steaming pot and two cups. He sits down on the mattress, carefully sets the pot down, pours and hands me one of the cups. ‘Sugar? Milk?’
‘Black.‘ I reach for the cup and take a deep breath of the soothing coffee aroma.
’Good.’ Friedrich grins. ’Why don't you sit down?’
I decline while I take a first sip. First, I want to look around a bit. There are a lot of photographs hanging above the desk. One of the pictures in particular catches my attention. I turn to Friedrich in amazement: ‘Tell me, that's Brian Molko, isn't it?’ There's no doubt about it, and he's photographed in a decidedly lascivious pose.
‘Hm.‘ Friedrich gets up and steps next to me while I try to decipher the writing on the photo.
’‘To Free with love’?‘ I have to grin. “I see, ”Free’. Well, when you have such a complicated name…‘
’You know Brian Molko?’
‘I appreciate the music of Placebo,‘ I correct, tapping with my finger on the Sleeping With Ghosts CD, which is lying on the desk in the midst of all kinds of odds and ends. “But you obviously know him personally. ”With love’?’ Hm, somehow Molko always seemed a bit strange to me. Should he also be...?
Friedrich has to grin, too. ‘Well, I met him once, after a Placebo concert. It's a complicated story, but in the end I somehow ended up backstage there.’
‘And that's where you got the autograph?’
‘Not quite.’ He takes a last look at the picture and then turns to me. ‘He gave it to me the next morning.’
‘The next...? Does that mean you spent the night at his place?‘
’You could say that.’ Friedrich takes another sip from his cup and gives me a mocking wink over the rim.
Huh? ‘Wait a minute...’ I have a bad feeling. ‘Are you saying that you... you did it...?’ I am at a loss for words. I can't and don't want to imagine what the two of them...
‘More coffee?’
I swallow dry. ‘Thanks...’
‘Thanks – yes? Or thanks – no?’ He chuckles.
‘Uh, yes...’ I hold out my cup and let him refill it.
Friedrich sits back down on his bed and taps the mattress next to him with his left hand. “Come, sit down. It makes me nervous when you're standing all the time.”
I sit down, but of course not right next to him.
He crosses one leg over, turns halfway around to me and smiles mockingly. ‘My God, are you always so intimidated?’
Not usually, but then I am here with Friedrich. And alone at that. Do I know what he is up to? Maybe he'll decide to jump me at any moment? Hello, he did shag Brian Molko, didn't he! OK, I admit the comparison is a bit far-fetched. If he regularly sets his sights this high, I don't think I stand a chance. Er, I mean, of course, I have nothing to fear. Shit, I'm already all mixed up. He must have put something in the coffee. I eye the cup suspiciously and then over to Friedrich, who watches me with an amused grin. ‘What's in it?’ I ask.
Friedrich stops and his grin gives way to a surprised expression. ‘Well, coffee.’
"Really just coffee?’
‘Of course. You wanted it black.‘ His confusion seems genuine. “Why, is something wrong?”
’No, everything's fine.’ I decide to believe him and quickly change the subject. “Tell me, what's it actually like to be gay?” I'm really interested in that now.
Friedrich shrugs his shoulders. ‘Just normal. I don't know anything else.’ He grins again. ‘Why, what's it like being straight?’
Stupid question, okay. I sip my coffee and blush.
"Do you actually have a girlfriend?’
Damn, how did I know that this question was going to come up? ‘No,’ I growl dismissively into my cup.
Friedrich is silent, but when I raise my head, I see that he is looking at me with a peculiar expression in his eyes. He smiles. ‘Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you.’
I'm getting angry. Does he want to make fun of me? Just because he probably has already had more sex than I will have in my whole life? ‘Oh, yeah?’ I snap. ‘Well, now you know: I'm a late bloomer, a miserable failure, a zero! Are you satisfied now?’ I want to jump up, but Friedrich grabs me by the arm and holds me tight.
He looks at me in amazement. ‘What's the matter with you? I didn't mean to upset you. I'm really sorry if I gave you that impression.’
‘Let me go.’ I try half-heartedly to break free, but he doesn't let go.
‘No, please listen to me.’ Friedrich waits until I look at him. ’You're not a failure. Whoever tries to convince you of such nonsense is a failure himself. Moritz, you're a really nice person, you look good, you're likeable. And sooner or later you're bound to find someone who appreciates you. It doesn't matter when that will be – tomorrow or a year from now. Your only problem seems to be that you don't believe any of this. That you don't trust yourself. And that you apparently believe you can only exist in front of others if you can tell stupid bed stories like they can."
I'm pretty stunned at first and don't know how to react. No one has ever talked to me like that before.
Friedrich leans back and smiles indulgently. He has let go of me. I can leave if I want, but I don't want to anymore. First I have to think about what I just heard.
"Are you hungry?’
Friedrich's voice pulls me out of my brooding. I stupidly left my watch at home this morning and have no idea what time it is, but when I consider that we've been here for quite a while and I haven't eaten since breakfast, my stomach starts to feel queasy. Food, excellent idea. So I nod.
‘Pizza or noodles?‘ Friedrich grabs the empty coffee pot and gets up.
’I don't care. Which is faster?‘
’It's not much of a difference.‘
’Then noodles,’ I decide and follow him into the kitchen.
The kitchen has golden-yellow walls up to a height of about 1.5 metres, above which they are white. To the left of it is a flat kitchen cupboard for dishes and such things, and opposite it a cheap wooden shelf with unidentifiable boxes, storage tins, pots and pans. In front of the window, a somewhat worn, rust-coloured couch, a low, dark wooden table and two rickety rattan chairs. I carefully settle down on one of them while Friedrich fires up the electric kettle, fetches a pot from the shelf and, after a brief search, also produces a still half-full pack of spaghetti.
Fifteen minutes later, I have a steaming plate of pasta in front of me and am fishing for the jar of green ready-to-use pesto. Friedrich seems to be as hungry as I am; in any case, we gobble up the spaghetti as if we were trying to set a new record. After that, I'm really full for now. Noodles, in the truest sense of the word. I have to giggle.
Friedrich raises his head and looks at me questioningly. His black curls fall across his forehead, and I suddenly notice that he has a really beautiful face. Prominent, narrow, with clear lines, the straight nose, clearly visible cheekbones, the almost black eyes, which appear even darker due to the kohl, of which he has not skimped on today either, the sensual mouth... Good heavens, the lack of food must have damaged my brain. Sensual mouth? I shake my head unwillingly, push the plate far away from me and get up.
‘Thank you, that was really good.’ A little uncertain, I look around. ‘Don't you have a watch here?’
Friedrich points to the right. On the shelf, between a pepper mill and a stack of cookbooks, I spot an old-fashioned alarm clock with a large dial. It's only just after six. ‘Are you leaving already?’
‘Not really.’ My parents don't usually arrive before seven, either. I've also eaten. And homework... Who's thinking about homework? You can always do it later. ’If you want to put up with me for a while?’
‘Gladly.’ Friedrich grins and gets up as well. ’Then you could give me a little help. After all, I'm about two weeks behind you.’
Great, so it is homework after all. Even worse – private lessons? But I can't refuse Friedrich's trusting look. ‘All right,’ I sigh resignedly and trot after him into the other room. ‘What's the problem?’
‘Actually, I just need to know what you've covered in English so far. And in PW, I'm obviously missing three or four worksheets. I don't think our courses differ that much, do they?’
‘Nope.’ I'm relieved and rummage in my backpack for the folders. So it's just a little jump start after all. “The Mehlert and the Schot are generally considered the dynamic duo of political world history,” I explain to him. “Their lessons are almost perfectly coordinated so that one can fill in for the other if necessary.” I hand him the copies. ‘The only question is why all this. So far, no one has ever seen either of them sick for a day.‘
’Hm.’ Frederick glances over the pages with a furrowed brow. ’Can I borrow these until tomorrow? Then I can work through them today. Tomorrow I'll copy them and give them back to you.’
‘Sure.’ I open my English notebook. “This one is a bit more extensive, though. Do you have your own Huxley yet?”
He shakes his head. ’When would I have had time to get it? Tänkel, though, told me where to buy the book. I'll go there tomorrow.’
It is just before eight when I finally arrive home. It's not that easy to condense the essence of five double periods of English into an hour and a half. But we both did well. By the way, Friedrich seems to be pretty capable. Sure, he complained about biology for a moment, but that's his own fault. I chose to take it, because I knew from the start that genetics would be really hard. He could have done the same. In English, he understood more than I did.
I'm going to eat something first. It's funny how intellectual exertion makes you hungry. Or should I start with the Spanish text for tomorrow first? Maybe I can combine the two.
Wednesday
I hate Wednesdays. Math lesson zero – what kind of sadist actually comes up with such timetables? It's still light early, but autumn is just around the corner, and I don't even want to think about winter yet... To make matters worse, it's only on my way to school that I remember that Pummel has announced a test for today. I feel sick to my stomach. But I feel even worse when I enter the maths room and dark looks meet me from the back row of the bench by the window. Shit, I hadn't even thought about Jochen anymore. Up to now, Jochen had hardly given me a second glance, and now I've suddenly become the focus of his attention. As an object of hatred, no less. A dubious honour. Well, at least I'm not alone – Friedrich shares my fate. What a comfort. I settle into my seat and, with shaky hands, dig through my backpack for the maths book, indulging in the illusion that I might be able to solve this problem after all.
‘Morning.’ Friedrich slams his backpack down on the table in a good-humoured mood and plops down on his seat next to me. For a change, he is wearing a skin-tight black shirt with a very narrow row of red rhinestones at the bottom hem, which shows off his slim silhouette to its best advantage. Unlike me, however, he doesn't look so ravenous. He has a tattered red cloth wrapped around his neck, and he now plays with the tatters, lost in thought, while humming softly to himself. How can he be so lively so early in the morning?
I give him a grim look and return to my book. However, that doesn't help me much either, because two minutes later the bell rings and Pummel enters the room, carrying a thick stack of paper under his arm.
‘Good morning, everyone,’ his usual greeting rings out in our sleepy ears. ’I'll now distribute the worksheets, and then you have exactly twenty-five minutes to complete the tasks. And I implore you not to use any aids other than those specified. I don't want to have to punish any attempts at cheating.’
I take my sheet and skim it. Great, Pummel has thought of everything: Not only do the tasks seem impossible to me already, but he has also taken the trouble to prepare two different worksheets, thus dividing the class into two groups so that each student has different tasks to do from the student sitting next to them. Copying is useless.
‘Shit,‘ I curse quietly.
Friedrich looks at me questioningly from the side and then glances at my sheet. “Do you want to swap?” he whispers to me. “These are pretty easy.”
I shake my head sadly and screw on my pen.
’Twenty-five minutes.’ Pummel looks at the clock. ’From now!’
Twenty-one students are leaning more or less eagerly over their worksheets. You can almost hear the thoughts crackling. Unfortunately, not much is crackling for me. With great difficulty, I solve the first task and I'm not even sure if I'm right. But the test doesn't seem to pose a problem for Friedrich at all. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him hastily putting columns of numbers on paper. After he has filled the first sheet, he briefly lifts his head, looks at me from the side and grins conspiratorially. Then he pulls a new sheet out from under the other one and continues his work. He pushes the used paper into the middle of the table with his elbow as if unintentionally. What for? The tasks of the two groups are completely different. It's a damn decent move of him to let me copy, but... I take a closer look at the sheet and have to control myself not to show my surprise too clearly: the solutions on the paper belong to my tasks! Now I understand why Friedrich worked so feverishly; he had to hurry to solve my test first and then still have enough time for his own tasks. Shit, this person is an angel. I give him a grateful look, which he doesn't even notice, and set about transferring the solutions to my own sheet as inconspicuously as possible. In doing so, I can even see that the task that I worked on independently is actually solved correctly. So I'm not completely stupid after all.
‘One minute to go!’ Pummel looks at his wristwatch while twenty-one pens race across the squared paper at top speed, filling it with rows of numbers. “Five, four, three, two, one – stop! Over! Pens down!” Pummel grins and lets his attentive gaze sweep across the class. ’Please pass the sheets from back to front. Please sort them into groups."
The rustling of paper and murmuring accompany this procedure. Friedrich has somehow made the paper that I used as a template disappear and passes the other sheets to Renate, who is sitting in front of him, with an air of innocence. He doesn't look at me or say a word to indicate what he has done. The rest of the lesson goes as normally as ever.
After the bell rings, I stay seated. My next double period is in the same room, so I don't have to rush.
Friedrich packs up his maths things and glances at his homework book. Then he looks at me. ‘What do you have now?’
"Spanish. And you?’
‘PW.‘ He gets up and grabs his backpack. “I'll see you at recess then.”
I nod. “Thanks, by the way.”
’For what?’ He tilts his head a little and looks at me cheerfully. Then he turns on his heel and strolls out the door.
During the break, I find Friedrich, as before, in the midst of his entourage of female followers, who are surrounding him. Today there are only six of them, but that's enough.
‘Would you like a piece of my cheese sandwich?’ a pretty brunette from the twelfth grade flirts with him just as I join the group.
‘No thanks.’ Frederick smiles a little tensely and turns to me. “I'm hungry for something heartier. Will you come with me to the kiosk, Moritz?” And with a glance at his female fans, he adds: “You wait here a moment, okay?”
The six nod and stare after him rapturously as we hurry towards the school building.
Our school has a large, light-flooded dining room on the ground floor, which for some reason I don't understand is called a cafeteria (they only serve school meals there). There is also a small kiosk in the hallway where you can buy sandwiches, sausages, drinks, cakes and sweets. However, Friedrich leaves it and instead heads for the coffee machine, which is also located in the hallway. I also get a coffee and follow him, balancing the hot paper cup between the thumb and index finger of my left hand, to a niche in front of the windows facing the schoolyard. There are chest-high round bistro tables on which we can place our cups.
‘That was a close call.’ Friedrich takes a look through the formerly white curtains out into the courtyard. Then he turns to me. ’They're really starting to get a bit annoying.’
‘Poor you.‘ I can't help but grin. Any other student would probably be over the moon with so much popularity among girls. No, probably not any other student, I correct myself in my mind, just any other student who likes girls.
’So, here you are.’
I turn around to face the source of the sanctimoniously friendly voice, but I know immediately who it is. Jochen swings into view and joins us at the table. His shadow, Olaf, appears behind him. The Viking seems to have gained a few more muscles since yesterday.
Jochen looks around the hallway for a moment, then fixes me with his cold gaze. ‘I warned you. But obviously you didn't want to listen to my well-intentioned advice.’ He no longer sounds friendly, quite the opposite.
I feel goosebumps form on my back, and there's nothing I can do about it. ‘Are you threatening me?’ Fortunately, my voice remains firm. What is all this about anyway? Am I in the wrong film, or what?
Jochen contorts his face into a spiteful grin. ‘Why? You getting cold feet, asshole?’
Friedrich puts down the coffee cup he has been holding the whole time and crosses his arms over his chest. ‘Do you have a problem with Moritz?’
Jochen turns his head in his direction, and in the eyes with which he scrutinises Friedrich, a damn unpleasant mixture of disgust and hatred is reflected. ‘You're going to have a problem with me in a minute. Or with Olaf.’ He exchanges a quick glance with the Viking and purses his lips disparagingly. ‘By the way, how's your nose?’
‘None of your damn business.’ Friedrich looks him calmly in the eye. ’Now get lost, please. We want to have a coffee here in peace and don't value your company.’
It is clear to see that Jochen is on the verge of exploding at any moment. Red spots appear on his face and his jaw muscles are clearly tensing under the thin skin. Just before he erupts and possibly jumps Friedrich's throat, the school bell ends the break. A few seconds later, the hallway is already full of pushing, loudly chatting students on their way to their classrooms or wanting to grab a quick snack at the kiosk.
‘This will have consequences,’ Jochen hisses at us, full of hatred, before he and Olaf disappear in the dense crowd.
Friedrich empties his coffee cup, then looks at me. ‘Can you tell me what I've done to him?’ he wants to know. His tone of voice sounds extremely angry.
I shrug my shoulders. ‘You're not howling with the wolves. And Jochen is the leader of the pack.’
German class is starting a bit slowly. Sybille is giving a presentation on Heinrich Heine. The subject matter is not uninteresting, but Sybille manages to put everyone to sleep with her monotonous delivery. Instead of trying to speak as freely as possible, she reads the sheet stoically and therefore speaks much too quickly. After the first few sentences, I stopped taking notes and just stared bored at the worksheet. Frederick next to me actually dozed off. From time to time I have to nudge him, so he does not even start snoring. After half an hour, the agony is finally over. Sybille shuts her mouth and Frederick his eyes open again.
‘Miss anything important?’ he whispers to me and yawns discreetly with his hand over his mouth.
Now it's getting interesting. Mr Meier hands out the ‘Silesian Weavers’ and leaves us alone with the text for the time being. Then we start discussing: understanding, analysis, claim, effect, background... In no time, the remaining sixty minutes are up, and we still haven't discussed everything. Mr Meier is satisfied with us and dismisses us for the break.
I have to go to the fourth floor to my PW room. Friedrich can stay on the second floor, the French room is right next door. ‘Will you wait for me after class?’ I want to know.
He nods. ‘We'll meet at the kiosk, okay?’
‘I still have to go to the bookstore,’ Friedrich explains on the way to the subway. ‘Do you want to come with me?’
I do, and so, not twenty minutes later, we find ourselves in a well-known large bookshop. Friedrich is already holding three books, including Brave New World, which is what he actually wanted to go for. Nevertheless, he still can't be moved away from the well-stocked shelves. I have meanwhile made myself comfortable on a soft padded bench, which is located in the middle of the shop for customer convenience, and am flicking through Hermann Hesse's Under the Wheel.
‘So? Found anything?‘ Friedrich plonks himself down on the bench next to me and glances at the title of my book. “Oh yes, Hesse. I had a phase when I was sixteen or seventeen, I devoured almost everything by him. Have you read Demian?”
’Of course I have,’ I reply testily.
Friedrich seems a little surprised by this reaction, but he shouldn't imagine that he is the only one with a basic literary education.
"Are you finally done?’
‘Yes, darling, I just have to pay.’ Friedrich almost laughs himself to death at my bewildered expression, while I suddenly feel an irresistible urge to throw a few large-format encyclopaedias at his head.
‘Asshole,‘ I growl, but then just follow him to the checkout, where he pays almost fifty euros for four books without batting an eyelid. The Hesse, which I now buy even more out of spite, seems almost like a bargain by comparison.
’Are you still mad at me?’ Friedrich walks up the stairs to the exit of the underground station next to me.
I give him a sideways glance, growl something unintelligible and take the last four steps in two long sentences. I haven't said a single word to him since we left the bookshop.
‘I know I sometimes act a bit arrogantly,’ Friedrich continues, holding me by the sleeve to make me stop. “I'm sorry. I don't usually mean it.” He smiles a little. ’At least not to you. After all, I know you're not a jerk like Jochen or Olaf.’
‘Great, that's really reassuring.‘ I'm still a little annoyed.
’Moritz, I'm serious: I'm sorry.‘
’It's okay,’ I wave him off. I can't really stay mad at him any longer, so I change the subject: ’Don't forget, you have to read another twenty-six pages of Huxley by tomorrow.’
‘I know.‘ Friedrich looks at me and seems relieved that I am still talking to him after all. “At least I have something planned for tonight.”
’Well, then have fun.’ I have to grin a little. ’See you tomorrow. Bye, Mr Baum.’