Chapter One
1A - In The Beginning

I must admit from the start that when I was fourteen I had the beginnings of a behaviour problem. At least, that was what the educational psychologist said when the school and my mother referred me to him. Well, I've always had a short fuse and those two Year 11 boys shouldn't have started taking the mick. Being five foot nine and muscled with it, although only in Year 9, I sorted them both out and they went home complaining to their parents I'd beaten them up. I'd had a few flare-ups before that but nothing which the school - an Independent Grammar School - hadn't sorted out with what I see now as tact and diplomacy with my increasingly less tolerant mum.
I suppose I was going through a bit of a rough time. My dad had been killed in a car accident when on business for the company he worked for as an accountancy consultant when I was eight and my little brother was four. Mum, who worked as a solicitor, had a hefty insurance payout from the company which she invested wisely but after a couple of years she got hooked up with some Creep, with a capital C! I couldn't stand the sight of him. Although to be fair to him he never said or did anything to piss me off to begin with, but the main good thing he did was to make me want to be out of the house as much as possible, so I joined a gym and the local Rugby Club.
Me? My full name is Phillip Thomas Menzies, same as my father before me, but family and friends called me Flip as when my younger brother was very little he couldn't say my name properly. I didn't like the Thomas because when I misbehaved my mother called me to order by intoning my full name in a menacing voice. I tried not to piss off my mother too much, I really, underneath, loved her too much, but the Creep was another matter. I didn't want someone else supplanting the happy memories of my dad. Luckily Ray the Creep had his own house, having divorced about four years previously, and he, as far as I knew, never stayed at ours overnight. Still I barely tolerated him and spent as much time out of the house as I could.
The Rugby Club was great. I joined because the playing field backed onto our house and I had been fascinated from the time we'd moved there, when I was six, by the games I watched through the fence. As well as the Senior sides they ran about six Junior sides from eight-year-olds upwards and once I'd been playing for a few weeks I was, at the age of eleven, put into the Under 14's side. This was also fascinating because it was after matches in the showers or communal baths I discovered that the older boys were sprouting decorative hair around their pricks and their cocks and balls generally hung or swung lower than my still boyish equipment.
As I turned out to be a valued member of the team I wasn't ridiculed because of my lack of penile growth or hairy adornment, but I did listen in carefully to the quite startling conversations and the things called out when changing or dressing. One common term of friendly, I assumed friendly, abuse was `wanker'. I had no idea at this time in my life that this related to the most common activity of the fourteen-year-olds in the team who, to a man, had hairy bushes and much bigger cocks than me.
Sometime in that first year I did gather what the activity entailed but my feeble attempts at replicating it in the privacy of my room produced nothing startling other than a frisson, like a minute electric shock, somewhere below my tiny ball sac. I soon gave that bit of experimentation up through sheer boredom but still listened in avidly and observed circumspectly.
In fact, I did pretty well at rugby. We had two smashing coaches, brothers in their late twenties who had played in some big team down South before moving up to the Midlands to work after they had finished at university. They made us work hard and I certainly did. I played at hooker between two hefty fourteen-year-old prop forwards, Justin and Jerry, and I revelled in the rough and tumble of the scrums, rucks and mauls. I soon got renamed as Fiery Phil on the team as I was always up with the ball and I could tackle like a young demon. The other lads didn't mess with me although I was the youngest in the team because there was one particular incident which got me the name.
We were playing this other team from some mining village. They thought they were God's gift to rugby and tried every dirty trick in the book to win. At one point one lad in our team on the wing, who had always had a good word to say to me, was bashed straight in the goolies by their lock forward after a rather nasty tackle. He went down and clutched his nads while the other team just laughed and said there was more of that where it came from. God, I was mad! I saw which of their mob had done the damage and soon after I had the opportunity for revenge. He was a big, lumbering lad and looked more than the statutory age for being in that team but I wasn't scared of him even although at the time I was just twelve and a bit.
Anyway, he fumbled around and picked up the ball not more than three yards from me. It was my opportunity. I launched myself at his substantial thighs and tackled him. I got him down more by luck than judgment. He fell onto my arm and pushed down, no doubt hoping to hurt me. I got even madder. I pushed my arm under him, moved my right hand up, clamped my fist round his basket of goodies and squeezed as hard as I could. From the size of his bollocks he was definitely over age, they felt like two large plums. I squeezed again, even harder, and felt his balls squash against the meaty tube of his prick. Christ, he bellowed! I let go, withdrew my arm, stood up and looked around, all innocence, as if I was wondering where the Bull of Bashen was. Luckily the referee hadn't seen my action as his attention was distracted by some other nefarious act perpetrated by another in that roughhewn team. He blew up and awarded our side a scrum down in any case.
Of course, coach Martin had seen my misdemeanour. Nothing was said until next practice. The two brothers had a good way of dealing with our infringements whenever they occurred. One would pick up the offender - remember although we were all under fifteen some of the others in the team were pretty hefty - turn him over and smack him sharply on the arse citing the offence. He would then bodily throw the miscreant to his equally huge brother who would administer the same punishment before dropping the laughing youngster to the ground. You had to laugh even though two mighty thwacks had reddened your arse cheeks. It was all part of the game and if you couldn't stand that you weren't rugby material.
Next practice was on the following Tuesday and I was standing chatting to the wing, Tony Bull, whose battered balls had started the kerfuffle last match and was told to shut it and pay attention by the other brother, coach Mark. The brothers then quickly dissected the game and set us to replay some of the moves with the intention of improving our manoeuvres. I wasn't paying attention again at some point and this riled Mark who picked me up, smacked me mightily four times, saying two were for not being in command at that moment and two for being Fiery Phil the Bollock Crusher on Saturday. He then launched me skywards.
I sailed through the air for what seemed about nine or ten feet and, landed on the shoulder of his brother who proceeded to deliver another four fearful smacks to my bum with the same commentary. However, he ruffled my hair as he let me down more carefully than usual with the compliment that I was a good lad notwithstanding. I blushed but felt very proud even though when I inspected my bare arse at home later that evening there were some very red imprints. So, I was Fiery Phil from thence onward at the club and received many good-natured smacks on my tight shorts together with that epithet from my fellow forwards from that day on as I packed down with them in the front row.
At the gym, of course, coming up to eleven I wasn't allowed to over-exercise but the older lads there sort of adopted me and kept a brotherly eye on me and over the next three years I put on a fair bit of muscle and weight. In fact, when puberty and my growth spurt clicked in I shot up like Jack's beanstalk so that was why I was tall and hefty when those two buggers started mouthing off at me. I suppose they thought as they were at least a year and a half or more older, and both were taller than me, they could get away with it. No way, I stood it for about two minutes flat then I let them both have it. Wham! Bash! Wham! Bash! Two chins and two noses received the full force of my right and left fists.
1B: Working Towards the Incident:
Why were they tormenting me? Good question. As my surname is Menzies and dad was Scottish, or, more properly 'Scots', he was always correcting people over the correct pronunciation which is `Min-ges' with a hard `g'. So I knew what it should be but never bothered about how anyone non-Scottish pronounced it. However, one of the masters at the Grammar School was Scottish and also called me `Min-ges'. Naturally, some of my more uncouth fellow pupils, mostly out of my hearing because of my fiery reputation, referred to me as `Minge' which I was informed by one brave soul as being a certain part of a girl's anatomy. He didn't repeat that a second time as he got a fist in his corresponding bit of anatomy and rolled on the playground asphalt clutching his more protuberant version of a minge.
One of the mouthy pair had an older brother of eighteen who frequented the gym. I was being coached at the time by a lad, Jimmy Lang, who had taken me under his wing right from the start. When I was eleven he was seventeen and had a body to die for. All sculpted nicely, wide shoulders, trim waist, shapely legs, a nice piece of work. Three years later he was even more tasty and that was the problem. He, like about half of the habitues of the gym was either gay or bi. He never hit on me but he did tell me one day when he was a bit down that the mouthy lad's brother, Terry, secretly fancied him but always made out he was a serious homophobe and put about all sorts of rumours about Jimmy and another couple of the lads. Terry had obviously made some remark about me being shafted, probably by Jimmy, to his brother and that had started the gibes at school.
I hadn't been shafted by anyone. I was, however, into serious masturbation. The earlier experiments at eleven were tried out again when I noticed that at the age of twelve and a bit I was also sprouting my own decorations. Not only that, my balls were getting saggier and bigger and my cock was lengthening. Accompanying these new phenomena was the frequent occurrence of waking in the morning with my four inches pointing stiffly up my belly. I put this down to the fact I needed to pee, but increasingly in the morning had to wait until my rigid little prick softened a bit so I could relieve the pressure and have a good piss. Still nothing much happened when I tried pulling my pud other than a slightly bigger electric shock feeling.
My prick continued to grow until when I was thirteen it just topped five inches. I know, because being curious I had measured it on my thirteenth birthday on the fifth of April of 1995. Later in the year, however, I got a new piece of information from my best friend, Michael, who lived next door. He was exactly the same age as me, well, he was three weeks older, and was as enthusiastic a Scout as I was for going to the gym or playing rugger.
He had been to summer camp in August 1995 and was bubbling over as soon as he returned with the news that he had found out he could `come' as he put it. He was all eager to impart the knowledge, the action and the result, so we went into his garage during the afternoon of the day after his return when no one else was around. He dropped the shorts and underpants he was wearing, pulled up his tee shirt and began to rub his drooping young cock. It lengthened and stiffened rapidly until he had his own five inches in his fist and was pushing and pulling it up and down at an ever increasing rate.
I watched spellbound because as his prick had grown erect so had mine, still confined within my own shorts and pants. Suddenly he gave three great gasps and a streak of pearly fluid flashed out of his piss slit and landed with a splosh about three feet in front of him. He slowed his tugging down to zero then pulled his foreskin back three times very sharply and three more pearly jets shot out, one going even further. He breathed deeply then a real beaming smile lit up his face.
“Oh God, Flip, that's the best yet.” He paused, still clasping his tool. “Can you do that?”
Not to be outdone I shucked off my shorts and underpants and pulled my tee shirt off over my head. I stood just in my trainers and socks. My cock was at full stretch and I hadn't even touched it yet. I grasped it just like Michael had held his. I then gave myself my first proper wank.
The feelings as I speeded up were tremendous. It felt as if hot bolts of burning lava were being manufactured somewhere in the subterranean regions of my balls. On one sharp pull my foreskin was wrenched right back and my hitherto uncapped pink knob was naked and shiny. I leaned back, closed my eyes and nearly missed my climax. The hot bolts moved and became a raging, pounding inferno. My mouth and eyes opened simultaneously as did my piss slit which spewed out a massive jet of thick, white goo which shot across the garage and spattered all over Michael's dad's workbench. I felt weak at the knees and almost collapsed with the intensity of that first coming.
Michael watched, open-mouthed, as the cascade flew across the gap. I steadied myself and smiled at him. I couldn't speak but my brain was racing. Thanks, pal, I thought, you're my best friend for ever and ever telling me about that!
Michael, ever pragmatic, blinked and said admiringly, “Gosh, Phil, is that the first time you've done it?”
I nodded weakly.
“Fuck me! Even Maxie Carter our Patrol Leader didn't fire as much as that and he's seventeen!”
We sat on a couple of boxes for the next half hour while he regaled me with the whole story of his initiation into the ways of boys while at Scout camp. It seemed that all they did other than tying knots, finding hidden treasure, cooking fry-ups and bandaging imaginary fractures was wank, wank, wank. Rarely singly, generally with at least one other helping out, but sometimes, especially after closing down the tent for the night, with six daisy-chaining their efforts until all had shot at least another load of fresh young boycream.
Boycream, I liked that term. Apparently it was Maxie's favourite phrase, and he couldn't tire of producing his own or helping others to fire their own teenaged gift from Heaven. I told Michael I knew of Maxie in another way. He was one of the back row forwards in our school First XV. Anyone in the First XV was a God to us youngsters who aspired to that greatness so boycream must be a true gift from Heaven... Even at thirteen I had a poetic streak and Michael, who was no dumb ass either, appreciated my allusion.
Both Michael and I had won scholarships to the rather prestigious Grammar School in our small city. King Edward's had a very good reputation and I thoroughly enjoyed being there even if my reputation as a slight trouble-maker got me into hot spots sometimes with the prefects or masters. Rugby at school was really my saving grace. By the age of thirteen I had been selected for a permanent place in the Junior XV. Being a good rugby player got me out of a number of scrapes with authority and also made me a bit of a hero with my class-mates. I didn't trade on it but it was useful!
Michael and I sat together in all classes but he was, in his estimation, no good at games so that's where we parted company. He had his Scouts and music and I had my rugby and the gym. Still we were the best of friends, helped each other with our homework and he did keep me on the straight and narrow more than once.
The straight and narrow that afternoon was definitely more than once. In fact my cock was up and raring to go by the end of Michael's recital so I started fisting myself while still sitting. Michael was rather scathing about my technique and said I was doing it all wrong. He made me stand up, went behind me and fisted me himself. I must say he was good. I leaned back on him and the volcanic surges soon started again. My second come wasn't so spectacular as the first. A few watery spurts but the feelings!... Oh, those feelings!... I knew at once Maxie was a God, he wanted it all the time. I wanted to be a God in the First XV when I was older and I knew I wanted it all the time now, too.
Fair's fair. I also knew that Michael wanted it all the time so we changed places and I wanked him, holding his dick just as he had held mine. My technique must have improved by that short apprenticeship. He didn't complain. After three or four minutes of steady pumping he came, breathed deeply and then startled me by turning and kissing me full on the lips. Oh Christ! Me the macho rugby player being kissed by another boy!
A few of the things I'd heard and seen at the gym jangled in my head. Even at that age I knew at least two of the older lads were in some sort of relationship from what I had overheard when three of the older boys were discussing other members of the club when they should have been keeping an eye on me straining at forbidden weights. In fact, I'd witnessed the quick peck on the lips when the two muscled blondes in question had met up in the passageway at the gym on arrival one day. One of them had seen me looking and had winked and shrugged his shoulders. Me? The last man who had kissed me was my dad, and that was the morning he went off to work and never returned. I had loved my dad, so what, these two lads must love each other.
I certainly didn't think I loved Michael. I liked him very much. It was odd though, I wasn't repelled by the kiss. In fact, I think it really sealed our friendship. It didn't happen again in our frequent encounters that year but I knew somewhere deep down that I liked boys like Michael and Maxie and the two muscled blondes and this feeling was to grow and grow.
Anyway those two wanks apiece were the start of a very deep friendship over the next year. Both of us were as horny as hell even at the age of thirteen and a half. Both of us needed to squirt our boycream at least twice a day. Both of us revelled in the feel of the other's helping hand on our pricks. Almost every day after school we would get together and do our homework. Almost every day we would wank each other off. As Michael was an only child it was best to do our homework in his room as we could have at least one of our daily ration, as a preliminary to work, sure in the knowledge that we wouldn't be interrupted by my young brother.
My brother Stuart being four years younger wouldn't be into wanking yet and, anyway, as he was that much younger than me and I was always out practising or playing rugby or down at the gym I had little to do with him. I tolerated him, as older brothers do, but being nine by then he had nothing going for him that interested me although he had also joined the Rugby Club earlier and was now in their Under 10's side.
I'd had one or two close encounters with him over my almost incessant need to have a wank. For instance, he had wandered into my room quite nonchalantly one evening because mum thought she'd mixed some of his socks up with mine and although my door was closed he had opened it and ambled straight in. I had a real shock. I had had a sudden urge and was tossing myself off with my cock held in a sock to catch the spunk. Luckily he didn't look behind the door where I was standing so I had a moment or two to drop the sock and pull my trousers back up pretending I was looking for something under the bed.
Another time was when mum was having his room decorated and he had to sleep in my bed with me for four nights. By the third night I was frantic because I was missing my nightly wank-myself-to-sleep session. Thinking he was fast asleep, as his breathing was quiet and regular, I carefully shoved my pyjama bottoms down and was giving myself a slow delight holding my straining-at-the-leash prick delicately between two fingers and thumb.
The little bastard wasn't asleep! I was just about to launch a Cruise missile or its equivalent in boycream when a quiet voice asked, “Flip, what's the matter?” My dick collapsed in seconds. All I could manage to croak out was a throaty, “I've got a dreadful itch. It's OK, go to sleep.”
Oh Christ! I had just got to that point where once the friction had been stopped the build up of spunk somewhere internally causes your nuts to fry, boil or generally behave as if a blast furnace door had been opened making you want to scream out and pound your pudding until blessed release is attained. No way. Young Stuart then wanted to know if he should go and get some Germolene ointment from the medicine cabinet. When I said the itch was better the dear boy then asked should he go and get mum to have a look to see if I had a rash. I felt like raising a horrible red rash on his arse if the little fucker didn't shut up... my balls were aching fit to burst... I needed..... Stuart asked where was the itch, was it on my willy? Oh God, the little bugger must have known I was pulling my wire even if he didn't know the consequences. I was truthful. I said, through gritted teeth, that my willy did itch.
I had a brainwave. Creep, in one of his little forays into wheedling himself into my good books, had mentioned some months before that when he played rugger in his younger days he had suffered from jockrash. Luckily mum wasn't there when he said it as he then told Stuart and me in some detail how he had to get some vile smelling muck from the chemist to anoint his manly parts, as he put it. I translated the term to myself but Stuart looked perplexed so I just said straight out that his willy had the itch because he hadn't washed himself properly. Stuart giggled, Creep shut up and I chalked up one point to me.
I said did he remember Creep, or Ray as we were urged to call him, saying he'd had what he called jockrash. I said that as I played rugby perhaps I had it too. Wrong thing to say! Of course, Stuart remembered that interaction so I was then asked if I washed myself properly down there and should he ask mum to check in the morning. I was very tempted to strangle my little brother but, I suppose, deep down I did love him, so I turned and hugged him and patted him on the back and then felt his hand on my naked dick. Oh Christ again! The only other person's hand, i.e. Michael's, always had an effect, i.e. instant erection. But no, the brotherly hand let go. I didn't stiffen.
“Your willy is much bigger than mine,” a little voice whispered into my ear, “Will mine grow to be big like yours?”
I assured him it would. This must have satisfied his curiosity as the next thing I knew he had fallen asleep in my arms and was snoring slightly. That put paid to that night's comforting wank. However, I fell asleep quite quickly myself and woke at six o'clock still holding a peacefully sleeping Stuart but with a raging hardon and a need for instant alleviation.
I managed to extricate myself without waking him and went as silently as possible to the bathroom where I released an accumulated load of hot spunk with a great sigh of relief. Luckily when Stuart woke he seemed to have forgotten the incident and was much more interested in how his newly decorated room was looking. I made sure that evening I discharged two volleys of youthful semen before I went to bed and spent an uneventful and restful night with my young brother's arms lovingly round my neck.
1C: My Mother's News: May 1996
I managed to get through the rest of my fourteenth year with mainly minor infractions of school rules, in my view, until several things came to a head in my fifteenth year. The major one was that just a month after my fourteenth birthday mum announced after supper one Friday night, that, with the permission of her sons, she was going to marry Ray the Creep on August Bank Holiday Saturday. She didn't actually say Ray the creep, just Ray, but I saw red. Red to match my flaming red hair. I went berserk. I shouted. I swore. I called him an effing, cunting, cocksucking, arsehole licking, pissing, shit-faced miserable prick, just as starters. I screamed out that I didn't want the poxy wanker as my father and that I would personally castrate the bastard if he went near mum with his mangy dick. I had only one father and he was dead! Mum went pale and looked at me aghast. Poor little Stuart burst into tears and ran from the room. I finished my tirade, really overwhelmed as I didn't realise I had such an extensive vocabulary of invective, and rushed out too, in a tearful state. I went next door, pushed past Michael's mum in her kitchen and galloped up the stairs to Michael's room. Luckily he was there.
He looked very startled at my sudden entry in floods of tears and stood up from his desk blinking rather nervously. I grabbed him and hugged him and we fell onto his bed. I felt I needed to be close to someone I could trust. I entwined myself round him and very breathlessly told him the news. “Oh shit, shit, shit!,” was all he could say. As I was telling him everything I'd said and how awful I felt we heard the back door close. His mum was obviously going next door to find out what had happened.
Michael was hugging me as I finished and looked at him with tear-stained eyes. He released me and took my arms from around him. His face was a picture. He was close to tears himself. He went to the bedroom door and closed it carefully before coming back to the bed and standing in front of me. I stared up at him and he smiled.
“I know something to calm you down, Flip,” he said and turned me on my back. I complied passively.
Then he did something quite unexpected. He leaned down and unzipped my trousers and got my dick out from the leg of my boxers. He leaned over me and kneeling down took my soft cock into his mouth. With one hand he circled my shaft and pulled down so my knob end popped out from my foreskin and rested on his tongue. Then he started to suck gently and at the same time massaged my knob with his tongue. With a grunt coming up somewhere from the pit of my stomach I went hard within a few seconds.
I lay back and closed my eyes as soon waves of ecstasy pulsed up and down and round and round my knob and shaft. Michael began to bob his head up and down and my breath became more ragged. My mouth was open and I was gasping in synchrony with his sucks which became more and more intense until.... I was lost. A bolt of lightening struck me somewhere internally. I involuntarily squeezed my buttock cheeks together and fired squirt after squirt of my precious boycream into his willing mouth. He continued sucking and licking until I could stand it no longer. I reached up and gently pulled his head away and, looking straight into his eyes with such love and gratefulness. This time I drew his face close to mine and kissed him full on the lips. His mouth opened and our tongues pressed together with my come pouring out and mingling with my saliva. We tongue-fucked for what seemed like ages until he drew his head back and gulped. There was still some of my come in his mouth but most seemed to be in mine. I swallowed that, too..
“Oh, Michael,” I whispered, “I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't got a friend like you.” I pecked him on the lips gently. “Thanks, you're right, I'm much calmer now.”
I sat up and reached down to get my handkerchief from my trouser pocket but they were now down around my ankles. Michael just smiled and reached into my pocket for me and gave me it. I blew my nose, wiped my eyes and pulled my trousers up and fastened them. I was much calmer but still seething somewhere underneath.
Michael got up and sat next to me on the bed. He put an arm round my shoulder.
“It must be awful for you, Flip, but you want your mum to be happy and Ray hasn't got in your way, has he?”
I had to agree, but no way did I want a new and different father. I was determined I would have nothing to do with this intended marriage. And where would the fucker live? I stopped. My thoughts were too intense. I realised what I had just thought. If he lived with my mum then he would fuck her.
My knowledge of male/female coupling was still rudimentary, but even from the sex education lessons at my all boys' school and the garbled conversations I had listened in to, I knew that little boys, and I supposed little girls, appeared nine months after some act which we boys knew was colloquially called fucking. No way could I imagine Ray, with his little bristly moustache, lying on my mother indulging in these actions. No way did I want another little brother or sister. No way!
I was pouring all this out in a rush to Michael when there was a discreet knock on the door. Michael's mum had returned. Michael called out that we were OK and she should come in.
Mrs Hollis looked very sad as she came in.
“Are you alright now, Flip,” she asked with a great deal of concern in her voice.
I really liked Mrs Hollis. She was warm and kind and, considering the amount of time I spent in her house with Michael, she was just like a favourite auntie.
I nodded. I couldn't speak or else I might really break down. Michael came to the rescue.
“Flip's told me what's happened. Do you think he could stay here tonight?”
Mrs Hollis smiled and said that's exactly what she was going to ask me. Did I want to stay? She also said that although mum was greatly upset by what I had said she wanted me to know she still loved me and wanted me back home as soon as possible. I nodded dumbly then asked if Stuart was OK. She said he'd gone to his room and she had put him to bed. She told Michael to come down and get some cocoa and cake and we should get to bed early.
While Michael was downstairs I thought about all the events of the evening. My lost temper. My exit from the house. Michael's true friendship and now his mum giving me, what I considered, shelter for the night.
I thought about how Michael had calmed me and for the first time that evening I grinned. To myself, but it was a grin. As it happened Michael was not the first person to suck me off. I thought about that incident as I waited.
Actually, it was on the Wednesday after my fourteenth birthday so it was just over four weeks previously. I was at the gym and it was a particularly quiet evening. In fact by eight o'clock there were only two of us still there exercising, Darryll Matthews and me, and the chap who ran the place. As he trusted us he said he had to go and see someone and we should lock up as soon as Darryll had finished his session on the weights where I was spotting for him. Darryll had been late that evening for some reason and although he was seventeen and in our First Year Sixth Form and in the First XV with Maxie Carter he didn't treat me as a kid. All in all we got on very well together as I would spot for him and he would spot for me and chide me if I tried to do too much. He had a very winning smile and had already joshed me about my new sweats I had on which mum had bought me for my birthday so we were in a happy mood as he finished off with another dozen reps.
He said he was ready for a shower and we both headed off for the locker-room but he went back into the gym as he'd forgotten to turn off the lights. This meant I was already under the shower when he came in flexing his muscles. I wasn't at all fazed by any of the others at the gym seeing me nude in the showers as I'd had plenty of experience of seeing my team-mates and players from sides we played at our or their Rugby Clubs.
Until I was fourteen, those few weeks before, the owner always made me and two other youngsters shower separately and we'd happily seen each other many times, but this week I had been promoted to the senior shower room and Monday night I'd had a shower with three of the older lads. No big deal, they eyed me and I eyed them and that was that. I memorised carefully, however, what I'd seen which gave me food for thought in bed later!
I hadn't seen Darryll in the nude before and was rather surprised as his dick didn't look much bigger than mine. I was trying to soap my shoulders as he came in and he saw me glance at his equipment as he turned his shower on. Also, although he was seventeen he wasn't much taller than me, probably just half an inch or so, but, my, he had a powerful set of muscles! As he soaped himself I unabashedly ogled him. His muscular body glistened under the cascading water, I wished mine looked even half like that. He must have read my thoughts.
“Takes a bit of effort to get like this but I don't recommend you trying any of Frankie's little pills”
Frankie was a huge twenty-five year old who boasted he'd taken every pill in Christendom and elsewhere to get his body. Although I'd never seen him nude either, the common story in the gym was that his balls were the size of peanuts, even if he'd got muscles the size of an elephant's leg.
“I don't think you need Frankie's pills either,” I said.
He laughed. “I did try a few but gave them up in case they had the same effect.”
I must have looked puzzled.
“They frazzle your balls,” he said, “but you're coming on well. Yours are twice the size of Frankie's even now.”
This talk of balls was enough to get me a bit excited. Even more when Darryll saw my efforts at trying to soap my back.
“Here let me do that,” he said, stepping over and joining me under my shower.
He took my soap and turned me round and began to lather my back, my buttocks and then the backs of my legs. When I turned to face him under the flowing water we both had hardons.
“I'd better help you with that,” he said, grasping his own and easing his foreskin back.
I said nothing. He grinned at me and dropped to his knees. Next thing I knew was the whole length of my shaft disappeared into his open mouth and terrific suction was being applied most rhythmically. He hugged my legs to him and started to move his head back and forth very rapidly. What with that and the violent sucking involved, my seminal floodgates opened and I shot a huge load within half a minute straight down his throat. He didn't even gag. He swallowed. My still erect prick popped out of his mouth. Immediately he started rapidly wanking his own short stubby cock and after very few pulls he also launched a mighty jet which sprayed all over my chest and was rapidly washed away by the still flowing shower.
“What did you think of that, young Flip?” he asked. “There's always more if ever we need it.”
Ever need it? I just nodded and smiled. I felt weak-kneed and blissfully happy. Why had no one ever explained how wonderful being sucked off was?
We finished showering, dried off and dressed. We switched off the lights, shut the door on the dead lock and both left on our separate ways whistling. Unfortunately, until tonight I hadn't had the opportunity for a second encounter of that sort. Darryll was either among his usual group of pals early on or not there as he had to swot for some exams he was taking at school. However, he had whispered to me a couple of times when he was spotting me on the weights that I was a lucky boy to still be growing.
I was still contemplating the sheer bliss of the two encounters when Michael returned with a tray of goodies. We munched our way through the lot, swigged the cocoa and undressed ready for bed.
Of course, I hadn't any pyjamas so I stripped to my boxers and was about to get into bed with them on when I saw Michael had shed all his clothes and was getting into bed in the altogether but bearing a towel. He looked at me and made `pulling down boxers' movements. I complied and got into bed next to him. He reached over and switched off the light.
“How do you want it, Flip?” he whispered.
I knew what I wanted. I slid down the bed, pulling the duvet down as I went, so I could see Michael's torso in the gloom. I aimed straight for his prick and enveloped that in my hot mouth. I gave him the Darryll treatment. Twice or three times as intense as the wonderful suck Michael had given me. I got my reward very quickly. Michael's spunk splashed all over my tongue, the roof of my mouth, the back of my throat. I tried not to gag but the sheer force and volume of his spunk took me by surprise. I swallowed as best I could and waited while two or three minor squirts of cream followed that major effusion. I swallowed most of this extra amount too and tentatively licked his now naked knob.
I hoped his parents didn't hear the noise he made than. The nearest description I could think of was a recording of a wolf I'd heard once on a televison nature program. Oh God, to shut him up I scuttled up the bed and covered his mouth with mine. This wasn't a real kiss but it just turned into the most intense tongue-fuck with me sharing the remains of his boycream with him. No sooner had he had his fill of that than he also slid down the bed and impaled his mouth on my prong. I came a second time that day in my dearest friend's mouth. In fact, that night Michael came four times and I managed five. We ended up for the final two in a frenzy of simultaneous sucking as quite independently of the rest of the world we re-invented the process of sixty-nining.
Needless to say we both slept soundly after that and it was mid-morning before we woke. I glanced at my watch. Nearly eleven o'clock! I had the final match of the season to play that afternoon! Michael came and watched the game for once and cheered us on as we trounced the opposition. At half-time I was praised by both Mark and Martin for the way I heeled the ball back in the scrums. Not only that, I raced up and down the pitch and managed to tackle at least two lads who were on their way to getting a touch-down with no diminution of my stamina. If five comes in quick succession aided my rugby playing Michael and I were going to have some joyous Friday nights!
I stayed at Michael's for that Saturday night as well. I didn't feel like facing my mother just yet. Stuart came to see me after I got back from rugby and didn't say anything but looked at me with a woeful face and then rushed off again. I was pretty low when we went to bed.
That night we lay and talked for ages. I had to tell Michael the whole story again. He was sad for me too and we comforted each other as we talked by just, very slowly, caressing each other's hard cocks until our warm spunk finally jetted out over each other's chest and stomach within moments of each other. Ever practical and thoughtful Michael had placed a towel between us so no tell-tale cum stains would appear on his sheet. In the end we drifted off to sleep with me resolving, somehow, to patch things up with mum.
It was rather difficult the next day. Mum was in a terrible mood. I knew I had done wrong in saying what I had said. Mum had been so startled, not only with the vehemence of my response but also with the range of foul language I had used. She actually said she would find it very hard to forgive me but for my sake and for Stuart's sake she was willing to forget the whole incident. In all of this, Ray the Creep's name was not mentioned. I wasn't going to ask about him but mum certainly wasn't in the mood for any more shenanigans from me. That's why my encounter with the two mouthy youths sealed my fate.
1D: The Major Incident and the Aftermath: May 1996:
I was just walking out of the main door of the school the next Wednesday afternoon having been in detention for a minor infringement of some rule or regulation, probably caused because I was still thinking about mum and me, when these two Year 11 yobs, who had also been in detention as well, followed me out.
It started with the first one saying to his pal, “There's that young Minge. He's a naughty
ginger Minge isn't he. I wonder if he's got naughty ginger hair round his little minge.” Then the other one, who I realised was rumour-monger Terry's brother, laughed and started in a louder, sing-song voice, “Eh, sweetie-pie, Ginger Minge, can you heeear me? I've got a big prick you can have right where you liii-ke it, right up your sweet little ginger minge!”
That did it. I turned in a fury and two bloody noses later I felt a lot better. It shut them up except for threats of family reprisals. I didn't care. Those four blows had got rid of ninety-five per cent of my teenage anger and frustration. I went home and straight round to Michael's where the other five per cent was assuaged by a very intense joint wank. I went home after that feeling quite at peace and really tried to apologise to my mother. She was still very iffy about it all and said she was going out with Ray (the Creep in my mind) that evening and I really had to apologise to him as she had had to tell him all the things I'd said. Fuck me! No way! My dander was rising again. I wasn't going to ever speak to that arsehole again! And what was my mother doing repeating that language!
I went up to my room and almost slammed my door. But that would have shown I wasn't under self-control. In fact, I even played a game on Stuart's Nintendo that evening with him to show he was still my favourite brother but I vented my pent-up anger later in bed by whipping my innocent dong three times to climax in as short a time possible.
On Thursday the shit hit the fan. Reprisals came swiftly. Complaints were made straight to the school by two outraged fathers. I was called to the Head's study during last period the same day. He said he'd heard about the incident and wanted to know my side of the story. I just told him it was just a boyish squabble but he wasn't buying that. There was a 'phone call home to mum that evening.
I found out the next day, when mum had been asked to come to the school and we were interviewed together by the Head, that I'd broken both boys' noses and the parents were after my blood. My behaviour record at the school told against me. When mum launched into an account of the row we'd had on Friday night, with her repeating just a few of the choice expletives I had used this, I thought this would also count against me. The Head didn't bat an eyelid at all this, though even I was shocked and embarrassed to hear my mother say `cock-sucking' and `arse-licking', but he did go on to say my excellent academic progress and my rugby prowess counted for me. In fact, the Head said, if it wasn't for the fact that I was in the top three in class and was a good team member I would have been disciplined severely before now. I think he meant by that statement that I would have been out on my ear! Anyway, he had a solution. Would I be willing to be assessed by the local educational psychologist who would advise on the next steps to take?
What could I do? Some poxy shrink was going to assess me and I would be chucked out. I had to agree. Mum agreed too, much too promptly I thought. In fact everything moved very quickly. I was told Monday morning that I was to be at the Education Offices at a quarter to ten the next day to see Dr Williams. I wasn't going to be given any time to contemplate my fate I was to be up before my judge in the morning!
Things did work out OK in a couple of ways later which cheered me up somewhat. First, I went home with Michael and told him my worries. He grinned and said I would survive. I survived the next five minutes although he said he was fed up wiping my spunk off his wardrobe mirror. Then when Mrs Hollis came home she invited me to stay for supper. I told her I had to go to see someone called Dr Williams tomorrow. She didn't say much then but something was afoot because during supper Michael's dad said he didn't have to be into his office before half nine in the morning and I could go into town with him. Unusual. Anyway before I went home Michael reminded me that his dad was also one of our school governors.
1E: Planning My Exile: May 1996
I usually went to the gym on Monday evenings but missed out. When I got home from Michael's I just relayed the information that Mr Hollis would take me into town the next day and went straight up to my room and went to bed. I must admit I cried myself to sleep that night. I didn't even want to wank, I felt too depressed and low. In the morning it was the same. No morning stiffness. I washed, dressed and had my breakfast like a zombie. I was ready and waiting for Mr Hollis at nine o'clock and, sensing my mood, we didn't talk on the way in.
I found the right entrance to the Council Offices in the huge city centre building and asked a receptionist for Dr Williams in the Education Department. She flashed me a smile which did cheer me a bit and said third floor, room three hundred and ten. I found it, knocked tentatively and a voice inside told me to come in.
I was rather startled to see a very comfortable room, not like the Spartan sort of office mum worked in. A desk was pushed against one wall and there were bookshelves overflowing with books and papers. Four low easy chairs were in the centre of the room and a tall, bearded, powerfully built man rose from one of them wreathed in a cloud of smoke from a very aromatic tobacco he had in the pipe clenched in between his teeth.. He advanced towards me with one outstretched hand while waving away the cloud about him with the other as I shut the door behind me. I winced a bit as he crushed my hand in his. He motioned for me to sit in one of the chairs. We both sat and he looked rather gravely at me with piercing blue eyes.
“I'm glad you came, young Flip, or do I call you Fiery Phil today?”
I looked at him flabbergasted. But he had a twinkle in his eye and he also looked vaguely familiar. He saw my amazement and chuckled.
“You know my nephews, Mark and Martin, don't you? They think very highly of their Fiery Phil. And I ought to tell you your Head and I were fellow students at University and he thinks rather highly of Flip the scholar. So who are you today I want to know?”
It was all too much for me. I burst into tears. I snivelled as I got out my hankie and blew my nose. Dr Williams said nothing. I looked up at him and his eyes were twinkling at me. He shook his head.
“Not to worry, you can be both you know and you can also be Phillip Thomas Min-ges, without the emphasis on the Thomas, as well. In fact, you must be all three in my view or we won't survive in this cruel world.”
Oh my God, how did he know all this about me so soon? I was swiftly enlightened.
“It's OK, Flip, I only know all about you by asking people questions, though I'd actually heard about you before when my nephews were telling me about the teams they coach. Crushing a bully's balls on the rugby field is very much the same as bloodying a bully's nose in the playground in my opinion. What do you think?”
I was rather taken aback by this question. It was true. The rampaging lout of a forward and the two mouthy creatures were very much alike. But, should I have exacted vengeance on these horrors as I did? I needed time to think.
“I caused two bloody noses,” I said.
“And probably ruined another lad's procreational abilities into the bargain,” he said with a chuckle. “Serves the bugger right,” he said sotto voce, “but you've got to learn to control that temper of yours.”
I agreed but wondered what would happen next. I was going to get the biggest surprise of my life. He looked at me long and hard for almost a full minute taking several great puffs at his pipe and producing even more clouds of smoke. I stared back at him. At last he spoke.
“Have you watched Blackadder?” he asked. I nodded, not knowing which way this interview was going to go. Seeing my nod he smiled. “I'm like Baldrick because I have a cunning plan.” He paused again. “I'm not going into all the ins and outs of your minor infringements, or major ones in some eyes, but you can always come and talk to me whenever you like if can stand the stink of tobacco smoke.” He leaned forward confidentially. “The Council has a No Smoking Policy but I can't abide all that political correctness so you're welcome if you want to come and see me, just follow the blue cloud.”
I nodded again. I wouldn't mind talking to him. I instantly recognised someone else I could trust. And, if Mark and Martin were anything to go by, their uncle was someone to trust at the highest level.
He puffed at his pipe again before continuing. “How would you like to go to school away from home?” he asked. “I'd better explain in detail and I won't mince matters. Your Aunt Margaret lives up in Scotland. She's willing to act as guardian for you if you go to boarding school up there. Your mother is adamant she is going to marry Mr Adams and the parents of those two broken-nosed toads want you expelled, so I think the best thing is for you to have a complete break from down here for the rest of your school life. I know it's a shock but I'm afraid it's the best I can do. The Head backs you and you are lucky one of the masters heard and saw what happened last Wednesday so you are covered to a certain extent by that. But?...”
I gaped. What was I to say. I didn't have time. There was a quiet knock on the door and the receptionist I'd seen below came in bearing a tray with two mugs of coffee and a plate of biscuits. She flashed us both dazzling smiles.
“Here you are Dr Williams, right on the dot, eh? And is Fiery Phil dealt with?”
I gaped again, some anger rising as I was obviously being discussed by all and sundry. Dr Williams must have seen my reddening face. He laughed, a kind laugh.
“Don't worry, Flip, this is my niece Jennifer, she's Mark and Martin's sister so she's heard about you from them. Haven't you Jen?”
She laughed. “More than once and they're both full of praise for you. I shouldn't say that really, it'll only make you blush, won't it? And I was to tell you there's the start of the summer practice tonight!”
It did make me blush but I knew they liked me, the ruffled hair, the smacks on the bum and now the reminder to be at the practice session tonight wouldn't have been given to someone they weren't comfortable with. Anyway, I had much to cogitate on. When Jennifer left I asked Dr Williams what sort of school would it be. He said it was a boys' boarding school, a minor public school, in Scotland about thirty miles from my aunt's village. He said he highly recommended it and had spoken to the headmaster already that morning and he was willing for me to have a place a year later than normal on the basis of my school marks and assessments. He did make the point that it would take me time to settle in but my aunt would be fairly near at hand if, and he said this with a grin, there were any crises.
Unknown to me all this had been set up at the weekend. Phone calls all over the place and I got the impression that my Aunt Margaret was a pivot in all this. I liked Aunt Margaret. She was dad's older unmarried sister and was a doctor. She lived in a village on the West coast of Scotland, would never come down to England although she had partly trained in London, and rushed around the countryside to see her patients in her Range Rover. I had stayed with her during the summer after dad had died and I found her to be very much like him.
Dr Williams then told me the plan was for me to go to Scotland as soon as the summer term ended. I could spend the summer holidays at my aunt's and join the new school in September. I would, of course, have to visit the place to see if they liked me and I liked them. He said I had plenty to think about but not to worry and I could come and see him again on Friday afternoon.
1F: Getting ready for Scotland:
I went home and mooched around there for the rest of the day. I was going to miss my friends at the Rugby Club and the gym. I was going to miss Michael especially. I thought I would cope with not having mum around and even more so if the Creep was to loom larger in our family life. I worried a bit about young Stuart but thought he was perhaps more tolerant of the Creep that I was. I relieved some of my anxieties by making up for the fact I hadn't wanted my nightly wank in bed the evening before. I made up for that twice by the time I saw Michael next door arrive back from school.
I went to talk to him and told him what I had heard that morning. He looked very upset at the prospect of losing his friend so, really to console him, I laid him back on his bed on which we were sitting, undid his trousers and nuzzled his cock through the fabric of his pants. His boy scent was so aromatic and heady to me I went stiff in seconds.
My simple action caused his length to harden in moments. I was so wound up with what was happening to us I almost lost control of my senses. I managed to calm myself slightly but still pulled his trousers and underpants off quite roughly. However, I knew within me I wanted him to have the best of me so I forced myself to suck him as slowly and sensuously as I could until his fresh boycream gushed out freely into my mouth. I relished the taste of his come. It was both sweet and salty, but, before I swallowed it, I took a drop from the tip of my tongue on a finger and rubbed it across his lower lip. He smiled at me and licked it and asked me what I would like. I told him I'd already come twice since twelve o'clock. He just grinned and said that was nothing for me. My trousers and pants were soon off and after fifteen minutes of exquisite pleasure I too spilled my load which he swallowed eagerly.
We talked for ages after this act of friendship. Michael said he was going to miss me so much but he would still think of me as his closest and dearest friend whatever happened. He said he wanted the best for me and that, perhaps, going away was the best plan. I said I wouldn't forget him and that we should enjoy our time together as much as possible before I went away.
Actually, the next couple of months weren't too bad. Things started well even that night at rugby practice. Although neither Mark or Martin mentioned they knew of the altercation, or the aftermath, news had travelled fast so much so that even the older lads on the team kept their distance for a while. This didn't last long and by the time the hour and half was up everyone was back to normal. I was still a very much accepted member of the squad. Mark did say to me as we came off the field that he'd heard from his sister that I was going away to school but, he said, I was to continue coming to practice until I went and that he hoped I would come back anytime I wanted. I was so overcome by his sincerity I could only nod and whisper a thanks.
I stayed at Michael's quite a bit until the end of term. Mum didn't question me at all if I didn't come home to my bed. Mrs Hollis never complained about having two ravenous boys at the breakfast table or panting for their supper. Mr Hollis never commented but was a quiet steady presence in the background. Michael certainly didn't complain. In fact, he made sure we assuaged our teenage lusts at every opportunity especially when I stayed overnight and slept with him. I always let him initiate the love-making. It wasn't just boy sex it was more, there was passion and commitment and we both realised that if we were not careful we would both suffer badly when we parted. We did manage to discuss this a few days before I had to leave and we knew that both our lives had to be managed separately. I think, looking back on it, we showed a maturity way beyond our years.
I was still going to the gym four nights a week and on Saturdays as there were no matches now the summer season was upon us. I even got Michael to come to the gym with me. His dad grumbled good-naturedly about what he called the colossal fees but he was happy really as he pulled Michael's leg by saying he wanted to get a bit of muscle on his skinny bones. Mum had never minded paying my membership fees. I always felt it was a small price for her to pay to get me out of the house so she could spend more time with the Creep. Poor Stuart was very much pig in the middle. Luckily he had a good friend whose mum didn't mind how much time he spent fiddling with some crap computer with her nerdish son.
Michael actually enjoyed his efforts at the gym To begin with he was very apprehensive. He wondered what the others would think of his puny body as he put it. Seeing everyone swathed in sweats immediately put paid to his worries and the older lads soon took to him and, as with me, chivvied him along and kept a good eye on him. He did gape a bit when he saw Frankie for the first time doing his posing routine in a minuscule thong. I whispered about his peanut balls but said we never got to check them out as he never showered at the gym.
Soon after our first blow-jobs together I'd confessed to Michael that his hadn't been the first. He laughed at my contrite expression and said he didn't realise I was so far ahead in my experience so he was very jealous because he'd learned about them at Scout camp but hadn't experienced any. He wasn't really jealous or angry and Darryll and he became good friends and when I left to go to Scotland Darryll promised to keep an eye on his progress. Although I showered with Darryll a number of times before I left we never indulged again. He knew that Michael and I were too great a duo to risk parting us before the time for me to go.
I went to see Dr Williams about six times before the end of term in July. He talked me through my frustrations and my behaviour. He explained that the loss of my dad was the root cause of how I felt and that this happening at the age of eight meant I wasn't able at that age to really come to terms with it. We discussed all sorts of intimate things too. In fact, in one session I blurted out that Michael and I were having sex regularly. He questioned me carefully about this and was very relieved that this only meant wanking and sucking and nothing more. He never asked me anything about my orientation but gave me good advice about protecting myself in the future. Never a word of condemnation, just careful advice, all delivered in a haze of blue smoke. I felt really sad when our sessions came to an end but he said that if ever I needed him he was at the end of a 'phone.
School continued. I returned the next day after my first session with Dr Williams. The broken-nosed sods didn't appear full-time for another three weeks. I heard later they had come into school on days in between to take their GCSE exams. My reputation, in some ways, soared and a couple of my classmates even congratulated me on dealing so effectively with two well-known bullies.
At the gym there had been a bit of worry in case the mouthy lad's brother retaliated in some way. Both Darryll and Jimmy Lang were obviously keeping a weather eye open in case of any trouble but Terry and I kept our distance. But then, after about a month, just as I was coming out of the shower to go into the locker room he cornered me. I was straight on the defensive within a second. There was no one else around. My adrenalin was racing and I was ready to give as good as I thought I was about to get and to counter any move of his. There were no moves. In a quiet voice he said he wanted to apologise for his brother's behaviour and said he'd given the little bugger the hiding of his life so he would have something else to remember. We shook hands and he smiled and said he really admired what I had done because his brother was a real little shit. It wasn't long after this occasion that I saw him and Jimmy leaving the gym together one night laughing and joking together. Perhaps, I thought, he'd also come to terms with something inside.
I knew as term came to end I had come to terms with myself and my inner, unrecognised feelings. Over that summer term I became much more in control of myself and my continual flare-ups of anger. It didn't mean I could tolerate Ray the Creep any better. It was probably irrational, but having lost one parent, I suppose there was the deep down fear of losing the other. Mum would still be there but would belong to someone else. I did try to talk to Michael about it but it was too personal. I knew Dr Williams understood and I valued his friendship and advice. Michael in some way was not yet ready to have to wrestle through these subtle, internal battles as he was lucky in not having yet experienced loss. Michael was, however, a constant and tolerant friend and inside I knew I now respected him deeply.
However, I had by this time alienated mum completely, perhaps through my initial outburst but more so because of my complete unwillingness to compromise over Ray the Creep. I admit I had been a somewhat difficult son. Several times she'd had notes from school about my altercations with authority or other pupils. The animosity I felt towards Ray the Creep was the last straw. She couldn't understand why and I thought, refused to try. An impasse which separation might cure. She was determined on her course and with me out of the way... Well, time would tell.
School ended. I was off to Scotland within a day of the end of term. My classmates wished me well. A couple of masters said they hoped I would like the school, it had a good reputation. I said a sad farewell to my friends at the Rugby Club and especially at the gym. Darryll in his usual jokey way said I wasn't to do anything he wouldn't do, but, if I did, to do it often!
My few possessions had been packed and sent off before me. Michael and I had a tearful but very active last day together on that Friday in July. We disappeared off to the Rugby Club first thing in the morning and hid ourselves in a back room to which I had purloined a key the week before. My mother had taken the day off from work and sent Stuart looking for us. He didn't find us although we heard him outside calling our names. As both our mouths were full at the time we couldn't very well answer.
We did reappear for lunch, where mum seemed even more pissed off with me than usual, and spent the afternoon mooching around town looking miserable. Michael came to supper with mum, myself and Stuart. It wasn't a happy meal although mum had tried to get all the things she knew I liked. Michael and I had a final wank together in his room when I went round to say cheerio to his parents and so we sealed our friendship in our boyish way.
That night two very tired boys and one still very resentful mother saw another very tired boy off on the train at one minute to midnight. So ended my life at home. A new chapter was now ready to unfold.

Chapter One

I must admit I did giggle when I heard the word. I hadn’t heard it before and that foreign-sounding boy sitting cross-legged next to me made a funny noise as well and the little Chinese boy sitting on the other side of me looked as if he might cry again like he did the night before. Well, I was only eight and a half and the headmaster did sound stern and those words did sound peculiar.
“I have noted that a graffito has appeared on the wall of the lavatories and you boys have only been back at school one day,” he had said in a very severe voice.
Me! I had only been at the school one day. The thought made me sniff. The Chinese boy sniffed as well.
“Someone has written ‘Masturbation is not a crime’ with a black felt pen in large letters,” he went on, his voice getting louder. “The crime, in my opinion, is the writing on that wall.” His gaze swept across us all. That was when I giggled, as that one did sound such a strange word, but he was looking past our front row so I knew I was safe. “I suppose it would be useless to ask the culprit to own up. At least the boy can spell and the penmanship is quite distinctive so it should not be difficult to pinpoint the culprit.” He paused as he stared well over the heads of us young-uns sitting in the front. “I see Lorimer in Six is reddening about the gills, and his friend Tuddenham has an unusual smirk on his countenance. Perhaps you would accompany me to my study after this assembly. You may be able to assist me in my enquiries.”
I didn’t dare look round but gazed up at the tall, be-gowned figure on the platform. I had been rather over-awed by Mr Carstairs when I had met him yesterday, but Mrs Carstairs had smiled at us and I knew she was OK. My brother, Jonathan, who was at the Big School along the road said I would be OK, too. Jonathan was sixteen getting on for seventeen and had been at this school since he was eight as well and, when he had left me with Mrs Carstairs yesterday, she had smiled at him. She looked kind and Jonathan said I had nothing to worry about. He’d whispered that Mr Carstairs’ bark was worse than his bite. Mum said this about Grandpa Sinclair and he barked all the time. I kept out of his way at home as much as possible.
I sniffed again thinking about last night. I cried in bed and so did two of the others, the boy who said he was Chinese, Cheng Wu, and the foreign-sounding boy, Adolphus. His surname was difficult to say. It began with M and sounded like ‘Mine’s hurting’ or something like that. It would be important to learn how to say it because outside our room we would have to call everyone by their surname, especially in class, so we had been told. The one who didn’t cry was the quiet, dark-haired boy. I kept looking at him. He said his name was Peter Douglas. I thought he would be a friend. We were all new bugs the other two older boys, Barclay and McPhee, in the room had told us. They said we’d be OK and they would teach us all the rules but we would have to learn them quickly or we would be in the poop. Actually, they said we would be in the shit, but Mum had told Jonathan off when he said that word when he dropped that vase.
Jonathan was in the Senior School at this place, Kinloch School. I sniffed again and wasn’t paying any attention to what the headmaster was saying. Jonathan was my big brother. He was big. He called me ‘Shrimp’ but when he came home on holiday we always got on well together. Dad was in the Embassy in Greece so we nearly always went there for holidays. Jonathan liked it as there was a big pool near the Embassy and there was plenty to do, swimming and playing around. There were always some other kids there but Jonathan always seemed to be one of the oldest. He was big like Dad and he said I’d grow, too. But, where he had a tangle of dark blond hair, I was very blond and curly just like Mum. Anyway, he had told me not to let anyone take advantage of me. When I asked him what he meant he grinned and said I had to stick up for myself, always tell the truth, find someone to be a good friend and watch out for the bigger boys. He wouldn’t say what I had to watch out for.
“…And in conclusion,…” I was suddenly aware the headmaster was still talking. “… Some more pleasant news. All our applicants for entry to the various Senior Schools were successful. We have to thank the hard work of the staff for that joyous news especially in the case of some of our less motivated brethren. A few had to be worked rather hard to make their grades. I hope that this year’s candidates will take that admonition to heart and all should try to work to the fullest extent of their capabilities. Then, as Captains of Rugby, Hockey, Fencing and Athletics have moved on we have the pleasure to announce that Simon Fleming will be Captain of Rugby, James Curtis-MacDonald will take over as Captain of Hockey, with Perry McDennis as Captain of Fencing and Gerald and Fraser Marshall as joint Captains of Athletics. Please stand and come and receive your badges.”
Five of the bigger boys marched down the side of the hall. I knew Simon Fleming. His father is Second Secretary at the Embassy. My Dad is the Military Attaché. Jonathan always said Dad was a glorified spy, whatever that was. Simon was OK and he’d helped me with my swimming over the summer. He said his father was leaving the Diplomatic service and going to work in Hong Kong soon. Jonathan said it was because his Mum had gone off with some man some time before so he wouldn’t get any further promotion. Anyway, Jonathan had told Simon to keep an eye on me. Gosh, he was big. That is, tall. Not like me. But then I’ve got plenty of time to grow.
Me? I’m James Arthur Stewart Drummond. I’m really Scottish ‘cause Dad and Mum are both Scots, but I was born in Delhi in India where Dad was stationed at the time. He’s Arthur Constantine Stewart Drummond and he’s a Major in the Royal Marines. My brother Jonathan is Jonathan Sinclair Stewart Drummond. He wants to join the Marines, too, when he leaves school. I haven’t decided what I want to do. Mum says I have plenty of time and my sisters say I could be another model for the Pears Soap Bubbles advert. Cheek! Just because they’re older than me and got straight, rather mousey hair, certainly not blond. Still they’re not too bad as sisters go. They squabble and then laugh together and leave me alone. Jonathan says they’re at the age when all they think about is boys. They’re twins and they are fourteen and they are identical. Jonathan says they don’t follow the Sinclair tradition. Mum and her sister were also twins and had been celebrated as the beautiful Sinclair sisters when younger. We’ve got all their photos that appeared in Country Life and Horse and Hound before they got married to Dad and Uncle Hamish who aren’t twins but are brothers.
I looked at Simon as he walked down off the stage and I think he saw me and smiled. Jonathan did warn me that the bigger boys usually ignored the new bugs and those in the lower Forms and I wasn’t to approach Simon in case he was with his friends and they might sneer. Still, the two bigger boys in our dormitory were OK. They said they had to look after us but not to the extent of wiping our bums. Stuart Barclay was ginger-haired and said he was eleven, nearly twelve, and Watson McPhee was ten and a bit. He wasn’t much taller than me. He said his older brother, Gordon, was in Mr McCrae’s house, same as Jonathan, and he’d been told to look out for me. They had been kind when we three had the sniffles and they hadn’t taken the mickey. Stu said he’d been the same when he started at school but we would soon get used to it. Anyway, Peter had shared a bar of chocolate with us all just before lights out and he was the one who didn’t cry.
The rest of the day went very quickly. Our dorm kept together for meal-times and in the afternoon the doctor came round to examine all us new bugs although I’d had a big examination at our doctor’s at home last week. The doctor today said I was fit and healthy, but if I ever felt unwell to go straight to Matron. She stood and smiled when he said that. “I know your brother,” she said, “Always had cuts and bruises to be dealt with. Good lad in the scrum!”
That was the other thing. We didn’t have proper lessons that morning and Mr McWilliam, our teacher, gave us all pieces of paper and asked us questions about where we had been at school before and what we had learned. I had been at a little school in Edinburgh with Miss Pruitt and I’d liked it there but two of the boys had put their hands up and said they hadn’t been to school as they had private tutors at home. It couldn’t have been much good ‘cos when Mr McWilliam asked one of them to read out some stuff printed on the piece of paper he made an awful hash of it. I was sitting next to Peter and we both read it out OK. I don’t know about the other boy. Mr McWilliam didn’t ask him. Anyway, in the afternoon we had to change into our rugby shorts and shirts and I must say I wondered what we would have to do. Jonathan had said it was a rough game and he’d come home once with a black eye at the end of term, but I wasn’t to worry as they treated the young-uns carefully. It wasn’t bad. We played touch rugby and didn’t have to tackle, just carry the ball as far as we could. If we got touched we had to pass the ball back to that boy, or, if near the goal, kick the ball across the line. Mr Francis, who took us for that, said we would learn the proper rules in time and then we would begin to play properly with tries and scrums and how to kick the ball between the posts. The boy who couldn’t read very well was very good playing and he said I was a plucky little bugger after I had grabbed the ball and run down the pitch with it and managed not to get touched for ages. Jonathan had been told off by Mum for saying that word when he cut his finger once so I would have to find out what the boy meant.
When we were getting ready for bed that night Stu asked us four if we were feeling alright. We all nodded. It was all different, I thought, and I had quite enjoyed myself. Adolphus said he missed his room at home and I thought he might begin to sniffle. I remembered what Jonathan had said about some boys feeling homesick but he was always too busy to think he’d rather be at home as there was so much to do.
“I like it here,” I said, “I don’t mind not having my room. Anyway, my Grandfather isn’t here and he’s always telling me off and no one’s told me off so far.”
Stu laughed and said wait until we had old Winklepicker for Latin as he was far worse than anyone’s Grandfather. He’d had to write out three pages from the text-book at the end of last term because he had forgotten the third person plural past perfect tense of habeo. We four young ‘uns didn’t know what he was talking about and Adolphus did begin to sniff. Stu got a bit upset then and said he was sorry if he was scaring us. Actually, old Winklepicker wasn’t too bad he was just old and bad-tempered like all old people. I said my Grandfather was old and bad-tempered so I was used to it. That made the others laugh and nod.
I was all ready for bed then. I was tired. Jonathan had said I had to have sensible pyjamas and I saw we all had plain ones, not like my favourite ones with the bears on the front. Then as we got into our beds Peter came round with another piece of chocolate for us all. He said his father had said it was the best thing to stave off hunger pains as he was sure we would be starved like he was at boarding school when he was a boy. Watson said his father had told him the same but the food here was OK. Then Peter asked a question.
“What was that word Mr Carstairs said this morning? I’ve never heard it before.”
“Which one?” asked Watson McPhee, “If it’s graffito that means something written on a wall.”
Peter shook his head. “No that other one. The long word.”
There was a quiet murmur from Watson who looked over at Stu who was sitting up in bed. “It’s what the big boys do,” Stu said.
“What’s that?” asked Peter.
“I don’t know,” said Stu, “But two of the boys in our class were laughing and kept repeating it until Mr Robinson told them to shut up. Chris McMasters asked them at break-time and they said it’s something big boys like his brother do with their…. ….you know… …their things.”
“I know,” piped up the Chinese boy, Cheng Wu. “My brother plays with his thing every night when he’s home and tells me to shut up when I ask him what he’s doing. I said I’d tell Mum and he threatened to cut my thing off if I did. He said it was masturbation and I was to keep quiet about it and go to sleep. That was in the Easter holiday and he was home from school. I looked it up in the big dictionary the next morning but I didn’t know what it meant. He told me to shut up again the next night because I started to ask and he said it was none of my business I’ll learn in good time. So I don’t know why he was jogging up and down ‘cause he told me to turn over and go to sleep again. Anyway, he’s in the Big School here now he’s fourteen so I still want to know more.” Cheng had told us when we introduced ourselves that he had only been in England since Easter but that his elder brother was in Big School here in Scotland and had been here for ages. He did say he come from Hong Kong to join him and the school. I wasn’t sure where Hong Kong was. I knew about London in England and Paris in France, and I’d been to Athens in Greece, but I’d not heard of Hong Kong and I didn’t like to ask.
I was puzzled. I didn’t think I would know how to spell such a long word as that and I hadn’t heard the word before. I could spell ‘master’ as in ‘schoolmaster’ but how did it go on? And what did Cheng mean about his brother playing with his ‘thing’ and ‘jogging up and down’? I was getting very confused.
“What’s a thing?” asked Pete. He obviously didn’t know either.
“The thing between your legs,” Adolphus said. “That’s what my brother calls it. He’s in Curtis-MacDonald’s brother’s class in the Big School and when he came to stay during the vacation they kept laughing about how their things were getting bigger.”
Watson gave a laugh. “Don’t any of you know what the proper name for your thing is?” He turned and looked at us all as we were all now sitting up in our beds. “The proper name for your thing is penis.” He looked up and down the beds. “Didn’t any of you know that?”
Another funny word. I thought about that. Yes, I knew I’d seen and heard the word before. I had read it in the newspaper. That’s right. A mother had written in to the doctor to ask if her son’s penis was OK as he kept playing with it. But she said he was four and I don’t remember what the doctor said. I guessed it was his winkie as that was what Ranald called his after he asked to be excused at Miss Pruitt’s and she had asked me to take him to the lav as he was a new boy in the school. He’d told me when he was having a pee that his mother had said he should use proper words and this was his penis as he shook it when he finished.
So when Watson asked if anyone knew the proper word I nodded but he didn’t see me as Adolphus called out he knew and he looked at him and the others all said they knew, even Peter.
“Yes, I know what it’s called,” said Cheng, “My brother calls it his dick as well and it’s grown. He’s got hair round it too.”
“Yeah,” said Adolphus, “So’s my brother and that Curtis-MacDonald ‘cos I saw them chasing each other after they’d had a shower. I asked him why I hadn’t got hair down there and he said I wasn’t old enough. He’s fourteen and he said I had to be at least twelve before it began to grow.”
Oh, my! Things were beginning to fall into place, which I knew was a good way of saying that things were making sense.. I’d had to share a room with Jonathan during this last vacation while we were in Greece. I saw him several times when he was undressing at night or changing into his swim-suit and his ‘thing’ had lots of hair around it. Then, one night I had woken up as I heard him moaning and he had got the bed-clothes off him and he was holding his thing and kept rubbing it and grunting. I kept quiet but it was dark and I couldn’t see much and the next night I tried to keep awake and he was doing it again but I fell asleep and I’d forgotten all about it until tonight. So, why was he doing it?
Up until now I hadn’t said a word then Watson spoke up again.
“I can tell you all about it, if you want to know,” he announced, rather smugly.
I didn’t say anything but I nodded and so did Adolphus and Pete. I think we were all wide awake now.
“My brother Gordon told me all about it last year.” He looked at me. “Hasn’t your brother told you?” I shook my head. “Probably he thought you were too young,” he said, I thought, rather dismissively. “Well, Gordon said all boys like it when they do it, but you have to be older than us to make things happen.”
“What things happen?” asked Stu, “And you’ve never told me any of this before.” He sounded a bit peeved.
“I didn’t know it was important, but you haven’t got any older brothers.”
Stu shook his head. “I’ve got two older sisters and my young brother and no-one’s ever said about…. what is it? …..mastur…something?
Watson giggled. “It’s masturbation… …or my brother says it’s also called wanking!”
Cheng began to bounce up and down in bed and laughed out loud. “I know, I know!” he said, “My brother’s name is Huang and I heard Peter Phipps say that my brother had the right name as he was a wanker. My brother said he’d better not say that at school….” Cheng put his hand over his mouth. I think he’d realised he’d said too much.
“But, what is it, this mas… whatever, or wankering?” Peter persisted.
“No, it’s wanking… ….It’s rubbing your penis until it squirts white stuff. My brother showed me after I asked him what he was doing,” said Watson rather proudly
“Is it like… …pee…?” Peter asked hesitantly.
Watson shook his head. “No. My brother says it’s stuff for making babies.”
There was a sort of concerted gasp from the rest of us. Making babies? I’d heard something at school and that programme on televison said that babies came out of Mummies. I knew I had been in Mum’s tum because I had been told more than once that I had been premature because I was teased about it. Jonathan had said I’d been so inquisitive I wanted to know what was going on outside. And I’d seen Mrs Jefferson next door but one with her new baby when she came back from hospital at Easter and she was certainly thinner than the week before. The baby looked most peculiar when Mum said I should look at it. All pink and snuffly with its eyes closed. Mum said I looked like that when I was born and Grandfather said kittens are more sensible, they don’t open their eyes for weeks. Still, I did watch that programme on televison and it said that Daddies were involved, too. That made sense now. But, I didn’t know what they had to do.
What did he say? White stuff? All my penis produced was yellow stuff and I certainly didn’t have to rub it to produce that!
Watson wasn’t finished. “Gordon calls it spunk and says I’ll begin to make it once my balls drop. I asked him what he meant and he said I’d soon know when I’m at least thirteen and a half.” He held up his hand and counted off as if to check. “Gosh, that’s more than two and a half years if he’s right.”
Stu laughed. “That means I’ve only got a year and a bit.” He paused. “But that’s a long time to wait.”
Golly, I had more than four years to wait. I looked at Peter. He was the same age as me so he would have a long time to wait as well.
Cheng was not to be outdone. “My brother said to Phipps his hair starting growing when he was nearly twelve.” He pointed to Stu. “You’ll be twelve soon you said. Have you got any?”
Stu blushed and shook his head. “Never looked,” he said slowly.
Cheng laughed. “You’d better check in the morning.”
We had to settle down then as we heard Matron in the corridor. She opened the door.
“All in bed? Good. Lights out in two minutes. Sleep tight!”
I was tired. I forgot all about what the others had said and slept soundly.
I was awakened in the morning by laughter and giggling from the corner where Stu’s bed was. He was standing by the side of his bed with a great grin on his face. He was holding his pyjama jacket up against his chest and I could see he hadn’t got his pyjama trousers on. The two who were laughing were Watson McPhee and Cheng Wu. They were pointing down. I slipped out of bed and went along the room to see what was going on.
“See,” I heard Stu say as I got nearer, “There is some, isn’t there.”
“Not much,” said Watson, who knelt down then and I could see he was peering at Stu’s ‘thing’. Watson nodded, “Yeah, not much, it’s fluffy but there’s some there alright.”
Cheng dropped to his knees too. “Definitely. It’s started. My brother’s is quite black but your’s is pale and……” He turned and looked at me. He giggled. “Stu’s hair has started. Look!”
I peered down and saw, just above his bent down thing a few wisps of fair hair. He grinned down at me and turned to look at Cheng. “Do I look like your brother?”
Cheng shook his head. “No, he’s got lots more and it’s black.”
I didn’t say anything but I knew Jonathan had lots more as well and his was curly and brown. Darker than the hair on his head which wasn’t so blond as mine.
A rather chastened Stu stopped smiling. “But it’s started and he is much older then me and, anyway, I’ve got red hair.” Cheng smiled at Stu. “Sorry. I suppose I’m a bit jealous,” Stu said and shrugged his shoulders.
Watson looked up. “You’d better try rubbing it tonight. See what happens. Gordon’s dick goes all stiff when he does it.”
“I’ll have to see,” said Stu very quietly.
That day went very quickly, too. We did Arithmetic and English in the morning and one lesson of History in the afternoon. The History sounded interesting as we were told we would learn first about how the Romans invaded Britain a long time ago. A teacher at Miss Pruitt’s had shown us pictures of Julius Caesar and Roman soldiers so I was pleased I would know something about it already. After that History lesson we did exercises in the gym. We had to change into our gym kit but we didn’t get too hot and sweaty as the lesson didn’t last long. The big boy in our class who wasn’t asked to read was moaning as his shorts were really small and tight. I didn’t know the teacher’s name who took us for the gym lesson but he went to a cupboard and found some bigger shorts for him. “Your mother bought by age not size,” he said and we knew he wasn’t angry as he smiled at the boy and told him to keep them but he would put the other ones in the store cupboard. It was a good job there was plenty of bread and jam for tea time at four o’clock as I was very hungry after the exercises. Still, we did have a nice piece of lamb chop with potatoes and peas for supper with treacle tart for afters. None of us youngsters stayed long in the Common Room reading or playing draughts or ludo because I think we were all very tired and anyway bedtime was nine o’clock for us young’uns.
When I traipsed up to our room I had quite forgotten all that had happened there in the morning but others hadn’t. Cheng and Watson definitely hadn’t and nor had Adolphus who had looked on from a distance when we had peered at Stu’s thing. All three were standing by Stu now as he began to undress ready for bed I looked to see what Pete was doing. He was putting his pyjamas on and didn’t seem very interested so I thought I’d better keep out of the way, too. But I listened carefully as I took my pyjamas out of my locker!
“Going to do it?” asked Cheng, “You know, rub it. And you have to pull it as well,” he added.
“Yes,” chipped in Adolphus, “My brother does that.”
“You didn’t tell us that last night,” said Watson accusingly, “I told you all I knew.”
“Never remembered it until Cheng said it just now.”
“Your brother’s just gone up to Big School hasn’t he?”
Adolphus nodded.
“And you know about it?”
Adolphus nodded again.
“Tell us then!”
Adolphus looked round at us all. He hesitated. “Dieter does it. Every night. We have to share a bed when we stay with our guardian in London. I tried it but nothing happened and he just laughed and said I’d have to wait.” He looked as if he was going to sniff again. “He told me he’d give me a good hiding if I told anyone.”
Watson laughed. “You don’t have to worry about that. My brother said all boys do it or they get fidgety when they go to bed and it helps them relax, but they don’t like grown-ups knowing they do it.”
“Yeah,” said Cheng, “My brother told me that as well. He said it helps him calm down. I never told you that last night - I asked him what Phipps had meant and he told me to shut up about it, but he did tell me when Phipps went out the next afternoon.”
Stu had pulled on his pyjamas and was getting into bed. “It seems funny they say all boys do it but then keep quiet about it,” he said quietly. “Anyway, Matron will be here soon so you’d all better get into bed.”
I was so tired that as soon as Matron came and said ‘Good night’ and turned the lights out I was fast asleep.
I came awake again the next morning to the sound of giggling. It was Watson and Cheng. They were standing by Stu’s bed and shaking him awake. He didn’t look too pleased when he sat up.
“And did you try it?” asked Watson.
“What?” asked Stu looking a bit startled.
“Your dick. Did it work?”
Stu shook his head and wrinkled his nose. “No. It just went a bit stiff and that’s all. I went to sleep.”
“Perhaps you didn’t do it enough,” said Watson. “My brother rubbed his up and down for at least a couple of minutes before he began to grunt and sigh.”
“Yeah, just like my brother,” said Cheng who giggled again and looked round to see if anyone was listening.
Grunt and sigh. That was familiar. That’s what I’d heard Jonathan doing. Lots of grunts and lots of sighs.
“Oh,” said Stu. He looked a bit miffed. “I only did it about ten times.” He shook his head. “How does one know?”
“Gordon said the first time he tried it, it took ages and I’d better not try it until I was ready or I might hurt myself.”
There was a concerted “You never said that last night” and “How do you know when you are ready?” from Stu and Cheng. It was all getting rather complicated. It got even more complicated as Pete got out of bed and rather shyly said “Mine’s stiff in the mornings sometimes. It is today.”
He opened the fly of his pyjamas and showed us. It looked a bit like a finger standing straight up. Cheng giggled even more.
“That’s just like my brother’s and his isn’t much bigger!” He stopped. “He’d kill me if he knew I’d said that!”
Watson laughed. “Don’t worry, my brother’s looks like that. It’s a bit fatter though!”
Like that? I’d thought my brother’s had looked huge. But then, he was sixteen and a half. Gosh, I’d thought it looked like one of those bananas behind the big main ones in a bunch. I stifled a giggle. I’d better not say anything or they might think I was boasting about my brother. Gosh, I wondered if mine would grow as big as his? How could I find out? Perhaps I might pluck up courage when we were home for Christmas. Christmas! I almost sniffed again. That was a long while yet and I did miss Mum. But then I thought of Grandfather. “Keep that noise down, James, I am trying to work!” I knew he was annoyed as he called me James when I was Jamie the rest of the time. And all I had done was to play one of Jonathan’s new records. I didn’t really know how the knobs worked on the big record player and I admit it was loud. I didn’t really like that music anyway but Jonathan was always playing it and Grandfather never shouted at him.
I missed Jonathan, too. I wanted to be like him. That photo of him I had hidden in my locker by my bed. Him in his CCF dress uniform, tartan trews, mess jacket and glengarry with the dark green hackle, when he got presented to that Royal lady at Easter at the big parade. He looked so tall and strong and proud, especially as he’d just been promoted and had two stripes on his sleeve. Mum cried when she saw him march up. “Just like your father,” she had whispered. I wanted to be like him. Tall, strong, proud, and with a big strong, thick banana thing like him. I was really a bit homesick. But Jonathan had said I had to be brave. I would be.
“You’re quiet,” Pete said. He’d picked up his wash-bag and towel and was ready to go to the bathroom.
“Thinking about home,” I said and stifled the sniff.
“Same here,” he said. “Come on though, cheer up. My Dad said his schooldays were the happiest days of his life. I’m not sure about that yet. Three days so far.”
I felt a bit happier. We grinned at each other and I picked up my wash-bag and towel and followed him to the bathroom. I knew we were going to be friends.
I didn’t ask him about his stiff thing. We just talked about the school and what we’d done so far. He said he was glad we sat together and he was looking forward to the game this afternoon. He said he missed going out with his father’s ghillie on the moors. He said his father had let him watch the grouse shooting in August. I said we’d been in Athens and it was ever so hot. He said he’d only been down to England, down to London, once and hadn’t been anywhere else other than to visit his aunt and uncle in Edinburgh. I said I liked Edinburgh because I lived there, especially going up to the castle and watching the soldiers. He nodded and said he’d been up there, too. I said it must be good to live in the country, though. Grandfather had taken me, Jonathan and my sisters to the Highland Games at Crieff last year where he was judging the piping and I’d gone off and wandered down to the river and the girls came looking for me. I think Grandfather would have shouted at me except there were too many people about. I told Pete this and he laughed. I said I liked the hills and mountains. Edinburgh was nice but I thought they were better. He said he did, too. He told me his father had been at the school and he always said he wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else as it was surrounded by the country he loved.
When we’d got dressed and the others were all in the bathroom I showed Pete my photo of Jonathan. He smiled and said he looked very nice. He didn’t have a brother, just two older sisters.
That afternoon we had touch rugby again. Mr Francis picked out the boy who couldn’t read very well to be one of the team captains and another one who looked quite big to me but wasn’t the boy whose shorts were too small and hadn’t been asked to read.. The first boy I heard him call Pringle and said he’d better be as good at games as his brother. Anyway, Pringle pointed to me first when he chose his team and then he pointed at Pete second. In fact, he also chose Cheng as well but Adolphus was chosen for the other team. Pringle grinned at me as we set off down the field. “We’ve got to beat that lot. That boy’s big brother called my brother a stupid oaf! He told me to look out for him!” We did beat them. Pringle had a great grin on his face when we finished. “Must tell Ollie. He’ll be pleased.”
*
The rest of the term went very quickly. I really enjoyed hearing all about the Romans and Julius Caesar but it was difficult to think how far back that happened. It helped as there was a display stuck up along the classroom wall which started with the Romans and then the Birth of Christ and so on and it came right up to 1990. It was strange when we had to look at that and Pringle had to go to it and point to about where his year of birth was. Mr McWilliam was our teacher for History and said he was older than us. Pringle made us all laugh, including Mr McWilliam, as he ran along to where it said ‘1666 Great Fire of London’ and pointed. “I will keep my eye on you, my boy,’ Mr McWilliam said, ‘Don’t forget I’ve taught you’re two brothers and they had to be kept in order.” I liked doing the sums in Arithmetic and we began learning French with a lady teacher, Mrs Fisher. She was nice and we were soon pointing to things in the room like ‘la table’, ‘la fenetre’, ‘le livre’ and ‘le vase’ for the pot with a bunch of flowers in it. Pete asked why there were some things ‘le’ and others ‘la’? Mrs Fisher laughed and said she was waiting for that question. She explained that we were lucky as we didn’t have to divide things into masculine and feminine in English, but other languages did it like the French, or even divided things up in more complicated ways. Adolphus put his hand up and said he knew some German and he had to be careful over ‘die’, ‘das’ and ‘der’ as it was ‘der tisch’ for ‘the table’, ‘das fenster’ for ‘the window’ and ‘die vase’ for ‘the vase’. I was glad we spoke and wrote English!
Mr McWilliam also taught our English lessons. We started by learning about sentences. To begin with we had to copy sentences from the blackboard and learned that a sensible sentence would have a subject, a verb and an object. I got a tick for getting ‘The boy stood on the burning deck’ right as quite a few had put ‘O’ for object under ‘burning’. It’s strange we talk to each other without thinking ‘Is that a verb’? I suppose it was like Mrs Fisher had said about French or German children that when learning their own language they didn’t have to think about those bits which came in front. All very strange but I wanted to learn more. We also had to write our own sentences and make up a story so several sentences followed each other. I wrote about seeing the pipers at Edinburgh Castle when Mum had taken me up there. I said they were soldiers and there were other soldiers there on guard and they all were wearing kilts and some, like the pipers, had special jackets. It was difficult as I knew lots of words but didn’t know if I could spell them properly. I did write ‘jackits’ as that was like it sounded. Oh, and there were all those words which didn’t sound like the spelling or those that had the same spelling but sounded different. I had lots to learn.
There were no more bed-time revelations. Stu’s growing furriness seemed to have been forgotten. There were usually just moans about the prep we had to do, or having to shower after gym and touch rugby. Watson said boys always have dirty knees showing in the comics he’d read. We got told off though when wearing our proper school shorts if there was still mud anywhere and we wouldn’t have long trousers to hide our legs until we were thirteen and a half and ready for Big School. There were fewer moans from us as Pete and I helped each other with our prep and Pete, especially, helped Pringle both with his prep and his reading. As I chipped in, too, we both became good friends with him and found his first name was Jack. We heard about his father and how he was involved in getting oil out from under the North Sea and that sounded most exciting as I had seen pictures of the oil rigs. The big boy who wasn’t asked to read went for most of his lessons somewhere else than our classroom. His name was Arnold, but as he always looked annoyed I didn’t know if that was his first name or his surname. Of course, I still missed home but I had made friends, not only in our dorm room, and soon it would be Christmas and I would be seeing my sisters and brother again. And Grandfather! And I’d heard from Mum we would be staying in Edinburgh for the whole holiday. And we were told not to write sentences beginning with ‘and’.
I had only seen Jonathan three times during the term. Twice was when some of us were taken to the Big School to watch rugger matches. Jonathan had been chosen to play in their best team. The first time I don’t think he knew I was there but the second time I was near the line when the team ran out onto the field. He saw me and mouthed ‘Glad to see you - we should win!’. They did and we all clapped and shouted as his team ran off the field and waited for the other team to come off too. Jonathan was very muddy but looked very happy and as he passed me gave me a pat on the shoulder. “Is that your brother?” asked Brigstock who was in my class. I said it was. “He’s big, isn’t he?” said Brigstock admiringly, “My brother’s not so big as him.” As Brigstock’s brother was only three classes ahead of us with Stu Barclay and so still in the Prep School he certainly wasn’t.
“He’ll grow. Like us I expect,” I said, hoping again I’d be big like Jonathan. Oh, and the third time was on something called Commemoration Day which we went to in Big School. He was in his CCF combats uniform then. That combats uniform is supposed to be good for hiding away from the enemy. Not because you were scared but to give you an advantage so Pringle told us. I learned a new word, camouflage, though none of us could spell it! All rather complicated. One of the other boys said the tartan trews were only worn on occasions like Church Parade in Big School and times when many parents attended. Of course, Mum and Dad weren’t there on Commemoration Day but I did see Pete with his parents. I was introduced to them and both of them asked if I was happy at the school. I saw Pete grinning so I said ‘Yes’. I think Mr Douglas must be someone important as he and Mrs Douglas were sitting in the front row and he was wearing his kilt.
*
On the last day of term, the Tuesday of that week, Jonathan was waiting for me in the courtyard of Big School with all the others ready for the buses to take us to the station to catch the trains down to Edinburgh, or England, or other places further North.
He smiled as I struggled along with my big sports bag. “Hi, Jamie! Here give that to me. What have you got in there, all Mr Carstairs’ family silver, eh?”
“Thanks,” I said, “It’s only clothes and a few books.”
“And Mr Lion?” he screwed his face up into a big grin.
I’d had Mr Lion, a rather raggedy cuddly toy, for as long as I could remember. Jonathan had said I should take him with me when I joined the school as everyone had something to remind them of home. True, we all had our own treasured possessions and even Stu Barclay had a poor old teddy bear who had a kilt on which he always put on his pillow before lights out.
I nodded. Mr Lion went everywhere with me, even to Greece. I remembered Jonathan still had a teddy bear of his own on his dressing-table at home. Now he was in the Big School he didn’t take it with him.
We went over and stood by two of his friends who seemed to be waiting for brothers as well. I just stood and listened. The two other boys were moaning because of all the homework they’d been given ready for the last term before their exams after Easter.
“It’s not fucking right is it, Drummers?” one of them said as soon as we got up to them. “We’ve got all next term and old Fartbags has piled it on and so has bloody Kinky Kincaid. Bloody History and three essays to write for English, plus all that sodding Maths! Shit!!”
I’d learnt all sorts of new words during this term. I heard ‘fuck’ now all the time and it wasn’t just to describe what men and ladies did as Brigstock’s brother had told us one evening in the prep room when he was ranting and raving over having to do all those lines for Mr Pickford. “Fucking Old Winklepicker,” he kept saying as he scribbled frantically on sheets of papers. His brother and I were sitting alone at the next table doing a sheet of long divisions as everyone else had disappeared off somewhere. He looked triumphant as he scribbled the last word. “Done it! All two hundred!” He looked at us, a rather knowing look on his face. “You know what fuck means?” The question was directed at me. I shook my head. He laughed. “It’s what my Mum and Dad did to get him!” He pointed at his brother. “Dad stuck his prick in and he came out!”
I’d also learnt that ‘things’ were called ‘pricks’ as well as penises, or dicks, or cocks. Brigstock looked across at his older brother.
“Huh, he must have done the same before and look what came out then! The Loch Ness Monster, all skinny neck and fat body!!”
Gosh, Brigstock was quick to say that, but then Mr Wilson had said in History when Brigstock had described Bonnie Prince Charlie’s escape that he had an eloquence for one so young.
“Good for you, young-un,” his brother said, laughing. “Makes you wonder though.”
Makes you wonder what? At least I knew what the word really meant now, but the older boys seemed to use it all the time. Or some of them did. And all those other words. I knew I hadn’t better say any of them in Grandfather’s hearing or I would get told off again, or worse. Sent to bed with no supper, like the boy in the book I had been reading after Prep. He hadn’t said a bad word just refused to do as he was told. I didn’t know what the book was called as it was old and had no cover.
Anyway, my brother and his friends were getting quite worked up over the injustice, as they saw it, of all the extra work. And I would have to remember to call Jonathan ‘Drummers’ at some time.
“Isn’t that Roddy Campbell?” One of my brother’s friends was looking towards a Land Rover which had just been driven up. A man got out and beckoned to a young lad I recognised as Campbell who was in the same class as Watson McPhee and they were friends. I saw the boy Campbell and Watson go over to the Land Rover, followed closely by Peter Douglas and a big boy I guessed was Watson’s brother carrying their bags as well. Yes, Watson and Pete had said they were getting a lift home.
“Yeah,” said Jonathan, “He was here when we were still in the Prep School. He was in the First XV in games we watched.” The other boys nodded and looked intently across at the greetings that were going on and the stowing of the younger Campbell’s, Watson’s and the others’ bags in the boot of the 4 by 4. “He’s in the Army. Lieutenant, Black Watch.”
“How do you know that?” One of the other friends asked. I was curious too, but I kept my mouth shut. I had learned quickly not to say anything when bigger boys were talking together, though Simon had chatted to me a couple of times when we had met in the corridor. He wasn’t with friends, except once early on when he had Pringle’s brother with him. He was big, too, and shouted out to his brother to come over and said he was glad we’d made mincemeat out of that other team. Funny term ‘mincemeat’! All we had done was run a bit faster and keep out of their way.
“Roddy told me to join the CCF when I got to Big School,” explained Jonathan. “He knew my father was in the Marines so he said I had better join.” Jonathan laughed. “I thought I’d better as he was all dressed up in his uniform and swinging that swagger stick of his.” He looked at the friend who was the most talkative one and grinned. “You didn’t join though…”
“You know I didn’t fancy it. All that bloody banging about and all that bloody cleaning.” He smiled at Jonathan and turned to the other two. “He fancied it, and Roddy… Or that might be the other way round…” He turned back to Jonathan. “Still, you looked good in your new trews…, even better without!”
Jonathan looked round and down at me. I just looked back at him. No expression. But… …Keep quiet. …Look innocent. …Keep ears flapping. He turned back to the other lads. “Not in front of the child…” he said quietly. They just grinned at him. Anyway, what did that lad mean? And as for Jonathan calling me a child! I kept quiet though.
“He’ll soon fucking learn,” growled the other friend. “Like my blasted little sod of a brother.” He moved closer to Jonathan and the other lad. I strained my shell-like ears to hear what he was saying. “Hunh, he found out about the joys of spring last summer hols. Never heard the last of it… …and all those fucking questions…” He shook his head. “Then he got the wrong side of Carstairs first week of term and he’s been in the shit ever since. Dad had a letter saying he was being given extra work as the devil makes work for idle hands. Bugger me, his hands were never idle those last two weeks before coming back here and I bet I’ll hear all about it again as soon as we get home. And then Dad’ll make me keep a fucking eye on him as well because of what upset Carstairs. Sod that!!”
He turned and looked at a group of five or so older lads coming round the side of the Prep School building where I’d come from. I saw one of them go across to the Land Rover carrying a bag and a long case of some sort. My attention was drawn back as Jonathan’s friend stepped forward.
“There the little bastard is!” He growled a bit louder. “Always fucking late!” He waved towards the group. “Over here!”
Two of the boys peeled off from the others who shouted good-byes and cheerios and the couple lugged their bags over to where we were standing. Oh, my God, I recognised the pair. They had been pointed out several times after that first assembly in the Great Hall. Lorimer and Tuddenham.
The first of Jonathan’s friends reached out a hand and grabbed his brother by the jacket collar. The boy I recognised as Lorimer stood still. He probably thought better than to cause a scene.
“Always bloody late!” the elder Lorimer grumbled and the younger boy stood and looked at him.
“No problem,” the younger one said quietly. “The buses aren’t here yet. Mr Francis says there’s been an accident on the road near Moy but they’re on their way.” He shook himself free from his brother’s grasp. “Here, let go. Got something to tell you. You know Porky Prothero, don’t you?” His brother nodded. “Yeah, well he’s up for the push.” He turned to his companion, Tuddenham, who nodded as well. “Been pinching, things, hasn’t he, Steve?” Tuddenham, still silent, nodded again. “Even had Steve’s watch, didn’t he?” More nodding. “Mr Francis caught him after rugger practice and he had six watches on. Three on each arm. Then they searched his locker and bags and there was loads of stuff people thought they’d lost.”
“He’s been pinching things?” The elder Tuddenham spoke for the first time and turned to his younger brother. “You got your watch back?” More nods. “Anything else?”
“Yeah, he’d swiped a pair of my football socks. My name tag was still sown in. And there was money, too.” It was odd, the younger Tuddenham had a deeper voice than his elder brother. That was odd, too. I knew who Porky Prothero was as well. He was a very large boy who must have been in the top class. I’d heard his father was some Pop Star or other but Prothero was his real name. Then I remembered. Pete and I had gone back to our room one day after tea to collect some books we needed for prep and Prothero was just coming out of our room. He said he was looking for some boy I hadn’t heard of and Pete said he wasn’t in our room. Pete was a bit upset later because he thought he’d lost a pound coin he thought he’d put safely in the drawer of his bedside cabinet that morning and it was almost all the money he’d got left as it was near the end of term. I wondered now if Prothero had taken it? Poor Pete. He’d been upset as he had wanted to get some stamps and things from the tuck-shop. I’d given him two second-class stamps and Adolphus had given him a Snickers bar. He was very puzzled as he said he was sure he hadn’t put it in his pocket and lost it. I thought I’d better speak up even with the big boys there.
“My friend Peter Douglas couldn’t find his last pound coin and he was sure he hadn’t lost it and that boy had been in our room.”
A rather startled Jonathan turned round to me. “What was that, Jamie?” he asked, quite concernedly. I was glad he’d called me Jamie and not ‘Shrimp’. I repeated what I had just said. He nodded and looked at the younger Lorimer. “I think we’d better see Mr Francis as soon as possible.

I was standing on the stage in the middle of the sold-out stadium in LA. It was the last concert of my US tour, then a two-week break and then it was off to Europe. I was singing the last song of the concert. It was the song that made me famous and I was walking towards the centre of the stadium on the long extension of the stage when I saw ‘him’. About my age, 16, short black tousled hair, about my height and just plain cute. The realisation hit me like a slap in the face, my fears, worries and whatever else I had suppressed over the past few months became a certainty – I'M GAY!!!...
Sorry, where is my good education gone, I should probably introduce myself first. -g-
So, my name is David, I recently turned 16, I'm 174 cm tall (give or take a few centimetres, depending on your preference; well, maybe I'll grow a little more, although I don't really think so, neither my father nor my mother are particularly tall), I have short blonde hair, blue-grey eyes, and I'm not thin, but I'm not fat either. On the day I was born, my grandfather Wilhelm, who has unfortunately since passed away, transferred 51% of the shares in our company to me. The remaining 49% of the shares are split between my father Robert, my mother Lilly and my uncle Johannes (Uncle Jo). So, from the day I was born, I was one of the richest people in the world, because our company owns oil wells, hotel chains, shipyards, airlines, chemical industries and who knows what else. To put it casually, I was simply STINKING RICH. I'm not telling you this to show off, but it could be important in the course of the story to know why one thing or another is possible for me that might not be so easy for others.
My grandfather and his wife Molly had two sons, my father Robert and my uncle Johannes, who I always just call Uncle Jo. They are both 34 years old; my uncle is three minutes older than my father father and yes, they are identical twins. Unfortunately, I never met my grandmother; she died while giving birth to the twins. My grandfather was devastated and threw himself into his work. And when he found oil on the property he owned in Texas, he used the profits to slowly but surely build up his company over the course of three decades, as well as through clever investments on the stock market. All the companies and holdings were then combined into a holding company with the melodious name: ‘THE HOLDING’.
My father married my mother Lilly when he was 18 years old, whom he had met at a charity ball of the foundation ‘THE ARK’. It came as it had to come, they fell in love with each other and as it can be with hormone-driven and careless teenagers, I announced my coming shortly afterwards. Apparently they hadn't heard of contraception, but well, I'd better not complain. -g-
My mother, who is also 34 years old or young, is originally from Germany. Her parents died in a tragic car accident when she was 14 years old, and she was then taken in by her Aunt Doro, who lived with her husband Jeff, a former GI stationed in Germany. Aunt Doro then moved with Jeff to Los Angeles after his service in the army came to an end. This of course meant that my mother had to leave her old home in Hamburg at the age of 14 and also move to Los Angeles. However, she has not lost touch with her old friends in Hamburg and they are still in frequent contact, even though they are of course unable to meet often. She then met my father at the aforementioned gala, where she worked in the hotel service team to earn a little extra on the side to finance her interpreting studies.
Since then, my parents have been running the aforementioned foundation ‘THE ARK’, which my grandfather had founded. He always said that we have been given so much that we can't help everyone, but we will do what we can, and let's just say it's not exactly little. He then endowed the foundation with an endowment fund of, believe it or not, one billion dollars, and he also decreed that 5% of the holding's profits would go to ‘THE ARK’ every year.
My Uncle Jo isn't married, but he does have a different girlfriend from time to time. I like him just as much as I like my parents; he's like a second father to me.
Then there's Bob, he's my bodyguard and has been around for as long as I can remember. He is 33 years old, was a seal in the army, but then left the army. My grandfather then hired him as my bodyguard. He's like a big brother to me. Why he left the army back then, even though he certainly had a great career ahead of him there, is something I have unfortunately not been able to find out. He remains silent on the subject, and I only ever noticed that when the subject came up, he always seemed very thoughtful and sad afterwards.
Shortly after my 14th birthday, my grandfather died and I fell into a deep hole because I was very attached to him. Also, I kept having strange feelings when I saw a cute boy on TV; it was never like that with girls. I'm probably not the brightest candle on the cake, but it was clear to me what it was leading to: I was probably gay, even if I didn't want to be and I fought against it with all my might. I tried to simply repress the whole thing, and then my grandfather died and, as already mentioned, I fell into a deep hole or, to put it more precisely, into a severe depression.
My environment noticed that something was wrong with me and so my parents dragged me to one psychologist after another, but somehow I couldn't get along with any of them, I closed myself off more and more. Actually, I know that they just wanted to help me, but I just couldn't bring myself to talk to them.
About six months later, when I was about 14 and a half, we were at a fundraising gala for ‘THE ARK’ again, where a popular boy band (which also happened to be my favourite band, I knew every one of their songs by heart) was scheduled to perform. I was already at the ballroom earlier and the guys were just starting their sound check. I watched them very closely from up close; I had always been interested in music and, if my singing teacher was to be believed, I probably had a good voice too. I noticed that one of the guys, Dylan, the lead singer of the band, kept looking at me and he probably realised that I wasn't feeling well for whatever reason. During a break in the soundcheck, he came up to me and asked me if I wanted to join in. My expression must have been hilarious because he just laughed and pulled me on stage. There, a round began in which everyone introduced themselves. Well, I didn't need that now, I knew who they were, but they didn't know me yet. When I said that they were my favourite band and that I knew every one of their songs by heart, Dylan said, ‘Well then, show us what you can do,’ and they started playing, I immediately recognised the song and then started singing. The guys went quiet and just looked at me in disbelief, because I interpreted the song, which, by the way, was a love song, quite differently than they did. When the last chord of the song had faded away, Dylan just said, ‘Guys, pack up, this guy is stealing our show.’ We all started laughing.
Dylan and the guys had done it though, I actually felt better. We fooled around a bit, the guys then finished their soundcheck and so the gala slowly began and the first guests slowly arrived, my parents and uncle Jo were there by now too.
The gala was a huge success, with several million dollars raised for charity. The band then played the song that I had sung before, at the end, when they had finished and the applause died down, Dylan came to the microphone again and said that there would be a small encore and that the song we had just heard would be performed again in a newly interpreted version by an as yet unknown artist, but one from whom we could expect great things in the future. He then suddenly said: ‘David – would you please come up here?’
I had just taken my glass of Diet Coke and was about to take a sip when he said this. It was a good thing it was almost empty, because it almost fell out of my hand from the shock. I went on stage, as if in a trance, I think now in retrospect. I didn't really know what was going on. Earlier we were almost alone in the huge hall, only staff setting up the tables, but now there were over 1000 people there. When I arrived on stage, I was first hugged by the guys, then Dylan pushed a microphone into my hand and pushed me forward and the music started. I sang the song as I had already sung it a few hours earlier. When the song ended, it was deathly quiet in the hall, but then thunderous applause broke out. Dylan came to me and put his arm around me, we bowed and waited until the applause slowly died down, which felt like an eternity. Dylan then said into the microphone: ‘David, I'd love to know who you were thinking of when you were singing, but whether it was a girl or a boy, you just wished it was for you.’ I must have gone bright red, and Dylan took me in his arms and hugged me and then brought me to my parents and uncle Jo at the table, because he probably realised that my knees were getting a bit weak after all. My mother had tears in her eyes and my father and uncle Jo also had a suspicious glint in their eyes.
Now just a brief summary of what a time jump of about a year and a half entails.
So it came as it had to come, my mother probably thought that the music might be able to get her little boy out of the hole. And since my family, how could it be otherwise, also had contacts in the music industry, and I got permission to cover this very song, I recorded it in a studio without further ado. After its release, the song shot to number 1 in the charts, TV appearances followed and so on and so on. Shortly after my 16th birthday, I went on a big US tour, then a two-week break and then to Europe. A few shows in Asia were also planned for later, but that wasn't certain yet.
I was standing on the stage in the sold-out stadium in the middle of LA. It was the last concert of my US tour, then a two-week break and then it was off to Europe. I was singing the last song of the concert. It was the song that made me famous and I was walking towards the centre of the stadium on the long extension of the stage when I saw ‘him’. He was about the same age as me, 16 years old, with short, black, tousled hair , about the same height as me and just ‘cute’. The realisation hit me like a slap in the face, my fears, worries and whatever else I had suppressed in the last few months suddenly became a certainty – I'M GAY!!!...
... I just thought, ‘I have to get out of here, off the stage.’ Somehow I managed to get to the backstage area, and from outside I heard only, ‘ENCORE, ENCORE, ENCORE...’ There would be encores, but not for another 15-20 minutes. Believe it or not, jumping around on stage and singing for two hours is pretty exhausting and takes a toll on your physical condition. Since I sing almost 90% of the concert live and only 10% are playback, it's very exhausting. I refused to use playback at the beginning, but unfortunately I quickly realised that due to the choreography it was not possible in some places. Some dance interludes were so wild that it was impossible to sing clearly or at least reasonably well.
But now a 15-20 minute break, only Bob my bodyguard and Dylan, who became a good friend of mine, even though he is already 19 years old and in his eyes I must be a youngster with my just 16, seemed to have noticed that something must have happened on stage in the last few seconds. But they didn't ask at that moment, for which I was very grateful to them.
So there I was in my dressing room, getting ready for the encore, wondering what to do now. So much has happened in the last few months. I had blossomed and become the happy, always-in-a-good-mood boy I used to be, and I had completely forgotten my fears and worries about what it meant to be gay. But now a few minutes ago in the last seconds of the concert, it all came back to me in an instant and I knew now that I am gay and the realisation matured in me that I can accept that for myself now. You couldn't change it anyway and somehow I had the feeling that even if you could change it, I didn't want to.
The question remained, however, how I would do the encore, which had always been done in such a way that there were three more songs, the last of which was, let me call it ‘THE SONG’, the love song with which I became known.
The first song was performed as usual with my dancers on the big stage, and during the second song I slowly walked from the stage to the catwalk that led away from the stage to the middle of the stadium. And that was always the moment when my bodyguards – I always had several around me at concerts, in addition to Bob – had what was probably the most frightening moment of every concert for them, namely the moment when I went down from the outrigger over a small staircase and was thus at eye level with the audience, only one metre separated from the masses by a small security barrier. During these few minutes, the bodyguards are always sweating blood, so when I was down there singing the second song of the encore, I always picked a girl who I then took on stage and sat on a small stool at the front of the outrigger, which was now standing there. At the very front of the outrigger was an integrated lifting platform that then, during the last song, ‘THE SONG’, went up ten metres, and I sang it, gazing longingly at the girl.
But what did I do now with the realisation that I was gay and had apparently accepted it for myself, too? In my mental gymnastics, a picture was slowly coming together and I had a plan.
I put this into action immediately, I opened the door to my dressing room and said to Bobs, who was waiting there, that I urgently needed to speak to the head of lighting. Bob, who had known me since I was little, knew that he didn't even have to ask why: ‘Now? Why? etc.’ He took his mobile phone, dialled a number and gave it to me. I went back to my dressing room with the phone. When I had the technician, named John, on the phone, I explained my plan and my wishes for the last song and asked if it would be possible in the short time available. He said it would be no problem, but asked again if I was really sure, and when I said yes, I hung up.
So I stepped outside, gave Bob his phone back and immediately a whole bunch of people set off to accompany me to the stage. Once there, a sound engineer immediately came and put my headset on me, so a button in my ear and a microphone directly in front of my mouth. The time had come: the stadium lights went out, I took my position on the stage and the first song of the encore began. I sang and danced my heart out, then the first song was over and I slowly walked towards the outrigger. And then the moment began when I think my bodyguards each said a quick prayer to heaven. I started the second song and then slowly walked down the small stairs, where now only a small, approx. 1.20-metre-high safety fence separated me from the more than 25,000 people here in the stadium. Hundreds of arms were stretched out towards me, trying to touch me, mainly girls, but there were a few boys among them too. My bodyguards were sweating blood again and inside they were probably cursing me constantly at that moment, but they also had to be very careful that the fans didn't pull me over the fence. And then I stood in front of him, my God, he's so cute, I thought, short black hair, wildly gelled, as far as I could see, green eyes and a sensual mouth, a small scar on his right eyebrow, I hesitated for about a millisecond, but then I gave him both arms, which was the sign for Bob that this was the person for ‘THE SONG’. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Bob raise his eyebrows, but I only had eyes for my boy in front of me. However, Bob did his job, grabbed the boy and lifted him over the barrier.
He was now standing right in front of me and I suddenly realised: what am I doing here, this can't be true,
‘I MUST BE THE BIGGEST ASS ON EARTH’
I scolded myself and could have slapped myself, what was I thinking, showing this poor boy up like this. Yes, if it were only about me, it wouldn't matter, nothing can happen to me, even if a few now think I'm gay, because of my family no one would dare to attack me directly, I can do without all the money that this , CDs, concerts, merch, etc., I can do without that, it goes to ‘THE ARK’ 100% anyway, I don't need the money, I have enough of it anyway that I would never be able to spend it. But that poor boy, what was I thinking? I might out him here, in any case he is now thought to be gay, whether he is or not, here in the stadium in front of over 25,000 people and clips of it will definitely end up on the internet, not to mention that.
‘I'M SUCH AN ASS!"
The whole thing played out in my brain in a split second, but what could I do now it was too late. The boy looked at me with wide eyes, I grabbed his left hand and pulled him on stage, but I didn't feel any resistance either (so I would probably have resisted, but I wasn't sure either. What goes through your mind when you're suddenly grabbed at a concert and dragged onto the stage). When we got to the stool, I pushed it down slightly to show him that he should please sit down. The second song was now over, and out of the corner of my eye I saw a sound engineer who always handed me a handheld microphone at this time. I don't know why, but I always wanted to sing the last song with a handheld microphone. It was probably something subconscious, so that I always had something to hold on to, where I always had some girl I was smitten with during the song. But now I wanted to have both hands free, so I shook my head slightly towards the sound engineer, who just shrugged and took the hand-held microphone away again, saying something into his radio, probably that they shouldn't switch off my headset, then it went dark, all the lights went out.
I just thought to myself, I have to somehow fix the whole thing afterwards, hopefully I can do it.
Then it started, the fireworks started with small explosions from the outer edges of the stage and then, in a domino effect, slowly followed the boom towards us. In the meantime, the lifting platform did its job and went up ten metres.
When it reached the top, the fireworks had reached their target at exactly the same time, and the lifting platform was illuminated with all the colours of the rainbow. It must have been a real play of colours, because my top was embroidered with thousands of sequins. Normally the spots that shine on you are white, and that looks good, but with all those colours it must look awesome. The huge video screens now displayed the message ‘WELCOME TO PRIDE WEEK IN LOS ANGELES’ and everything was bathed in rainbow colours.
I asked him his name and he answered Daniel. I thought I detected an accent in his voice, but I wasn't sure. ‘OK, Daniel, this song is just for you,’ and the music began. I sang my song and put as much feeling into it as I possibly could. I kept walking around the stool, stroking his shoulders, his cheeks, with my free hands, kneeling in front of him and caressing his chest with my hands, then slowly going down, stroking his thighs and knees, singing as if there were no tomorrow. The whole thing was, of course, also transmitted larger than life on the four 100-square-metre monitor walls, so that everyone could see exactly what a show I was putting on. The song drew to a close and the platform slowly started moving again, but this time downwards, and by the last final chord of the song it had reached the bottom. The applause that broke out now broke all previous records, I think. It went on and on, and with a bit of luck, I thought to myself, maybe everything will turn out well after all. I took Daniel in my arms and whispered a ‘sorry’ in his ear, when Bob came running along the boom and took Daniel with him behind the stage into the backstage area. That was always the way we did it, we didn't just let the people we brought on stage back into the audience, it was just too dangerous for us.
While Bob took Daniel backstage, I addressed my audience again, still beaming like a rainbow because I was still being illuminated by the spotlights. I explained to my audience how I had come up with the idea for this last song during the short break earlier. I had read something about Pride Week, which is starting soon, and spontaneously decided to do it here and now, and I'm really happy that this was so well received by this ‘world's best audience’ and that I hope I didn't offend Daniel by doing it, since he didn't know about the whole thing and is certainly not gay. The applause started up again and I slowly waved happily as I walked back onto the stage and then to the backstage area.
Once there, the first thing I felt was a cool towel being placed around my neck by a roadie, because beads of sweat were rolling down my face again. You wouldn't believe how hot it can get on a stage like that, when you're being illuminated by a few hundred thousand watts.
I walked slowly towards my dressing room, but suddenly Dylan was standing in front of me, gripping my upper arms with his hands and looking deep into my eyes. I couldn't hold his gaze and looked at the floor. Dylan slowly reached under my chin with the thumbs and index fingers of his right hand and lifted it slowly, then asked me: ‘David, do you remember at the gala where we met, after your performance, I said: I would love to know when you sang that song?’ I nodded slowly, feeling the tears welling up inside me. Then he just said quietly: ‘Now I know’. All the floodgates were now open and I howled like a dog, Dylan took me in his arms and stroked my back slowly and just said, ‘Calm down, my little one, everything will be fine’. Dylan really has become my best friend and I also get along great with his girlfriend Maja. We stood like that for a few minutes, then he took the towel that was still hanging around my neck and carefully cleaned my tear-stained face. Then he grinned at me and said: ‘So, now you're presentable again and come on, I think there's a young man there who you might need to explain a few things to.’ Oh yes, there was still something: Daniel. So we went towards my dressing room. Shortly before we reached it, my manager Sarah came towards me, furious and with a bright red face. When she reached us, she first pushed Dylan aside and then grabbed me by the upper arms. She shook me and asked, well actually she shouted more: What that was just then, that she hadn't approved of that and before I could even say a word, Bob was there and separated her roughly from me, he only looked at her briefly and said very quietly and calmly ‘Out’. She didn't argue and disappeared silently. Yes, Bob was my bodyguard, but he also loved me like a little brother and I loved him like a big brother. If anyone should even think about harming a hair on my head, they'd better pray to all the gods they know and hope that Bob wasn't around and didn't see it. He looked briefly at Dylan, who said that everything was OK, then to me: ‘Come on, you have a visitor,’ and grinned. We walked the last few steps to my dressing room and he opened the door, gave me a pat on the bottom and pushed me into the dressing room and closed the door behind me and stood in front of it. Believe me, no army in the world would have been able to get through that door now.
There I was in my dressing room, looking at this cute boy sitting on my couch, I said quietly, ‘Hi.’ He jumped, he was probably lost in thought and I had startled him, again I said softly, ‘Sorry.’ Then he smiled at me and said I should stop apologising to him. ‘But,’ I said, ‘I totally embarrassed you out there, here in the stadium, in front of thousands of people from the internet, where the whole thing has now reached astronomical numbers, not to mention me and I should stop apologising?’ I must have been in the wrong dressing room and looked around, no, this is mine and anyway, Bob would never have made such a mistake as to push me through the wrong door and then also slap me on the backside (it still hurts now – no, I'm kidding, it doesn't – g-) and I couldn't help but smile a little at the thought. Daniel must have seen that and then got up from the couch and came slowly towards me and said to me: ‘You know, I once saw a video on YouTube, it was a concert clip from New York at Madison Square Garden, I think, and there you also brought a girl on stage at the end and sang your song. You wouldn't believe how much I envied that girl, and now I'm here in your dressing room and just a little while ago I was sitting on that very stool on the stage, just like the girl in the video, and you sang the song just for me. OK, I know you always say that it's only for this person, but this time it was me and I'm a boy. And when you danced around me and kept touching me with your hands and stroked my cheek, you didn't do that to the girl, but you also had a microphone in your hand then, I almost melted with happiness.’ (Note to self: careful, this boy notices everything). ‘But it's just a dream, you explained on stage how it came about and I don't think you were lying, I saw the magazine here and there's a report about Pride Week here in LA right on the front page.’
Wow, OK, I understand now that I don't need to apologise, I guess I fulfilled a big dream for him, but still I feel guilty for taking him by surprise like that, it could have gone wrong, which only a little surprised that Bob leaves me alone with him, after all, he is a complete stranger, but I guess Bob has been talking to him the whole time after he took him off the stage and Bob also has a good knowledge of human nature. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a hidden camera and he was watching the whole thing on his mobile phone outside the door, no, he wouldn't do that, or would he, well, let's put it this way, I would bet my hand that it's not the case, as they say, ‘not in the fire’. But why did he envy these girls at all? Every boy I know would have freaked out if I had paraded him like that, thus implying that he was gay while I was dancing around him and singing a love song. And then I see something: the top button of his shirt has come undone and I can see a narrow leather strap around his neck. OK, that's nothing special in itself, I sometimes have a leather strap around my neck too, but there are small colourful discs attached to this leather strap. OK, colourful discs, so what, it's beautiful. I think that was the moment when my little brain decided to get in touch with me: ‘Man, David, what am I going to do with you. COLOURFUL DISCS - REALLY NOW, doesn't that remind you of something, think about it, a few minutes ago on stage you were sparkling like a rainbow yourself. RAINBOW, do you understand R E G E N B O W?’ It suddenly hits me: Daniel is obviously a boy and wears a necklace in the colours of the rainbow, which is a well-known sign of the queer community. I concluded from this with my extremely clever brain (which was chuckling quietly) that this incredibly cute boy in front of me is 99.99% likely (there's always a bit of shrinkage) to be gay. OK, let's check the facts again before I do or say something rash again. So, we have a boy here who dreams of being adored with a love song by a boy, in this case probably me, sitting on a stool on a stage in front of tens of thousands of strangers. This boy also wears a necklace in the colours of the rainbow, which according to Adam Riese = 99.99% gay. Wait a minute, why does he look so sad and what did he just say: I apologised to the audience and explained. OK, I did that in a way, but only to protect HIM, not myself. I don't really care what people think of me, well, not really, but mostly I do. (I don't want to get political now, but I really don't like the colour brown, for example).
Somehow I feel as if I am constantly in a different world today. Daniel is standing in front of me, looking at the floor, and I slowly lift his chin with the thumb and index finger of my right hand, just as Dylan did to me recently. When he looks back at my face, I just say, ‘No Daniel, that's not what I meant. I think I need to explain it all to you in detail.’ It's funny, I'm standing here in my dressing room with a boy who is actually a complete stranger to me. After all, I saw him for the very first time just about 60 minutes ago, and now I'm already laying my soul bare in front of him. Is this the kind of soul-mate relationship I've heard about but never really understood? I took Daniel by the hand and pulled him to the couch, where we then sat down. But then I got up again and got us something to drink. After a concert, I always drank a mixture of water and a number of vitamin and mineral supplements, because you tend to sweat quite a bit during the concert and the vitamin and mineral balance of the body is replenished with it. I didn't like the taste of it, but I realised that it was probably useful after all. I didn't want to do that to Daniel, so I gave him a Coke light. When we were sitting on the couch, I turned slightly towards him so that I could look him directly in the eye.
So I started: ‘Daniel, I saw you for the first time about 60 minutes ago, that was exactly during the last song before the encore.’ He then said: Yes, he had noticed that, I had looked him straight in the eye and he thought he had received a lightning strike, as if something had happened and he also thought that he had seen something in me too, but couldn't explain it. (Note to self: weigh everything up before saying anything to him, he apparently really does notice everything). I said: Yes, you're right, I realised something at that moment that I had been afraid of for a long time and I had pushed it completely into the background and that there had been so much going on in the last 1 ½ years that I didn't even think about it anymore. I told them that shortly after I turned 14, I started to feel unwell and when my grandfather died, I fell into a deep hole. Yes, as the doctors said, I had severe depression, that my parents dragged me from one psychologist to another, even specialists from abroad were flown in specially, but none could help me. I didn't have any suicidal thoughts, but I think my parents, Uncle Jo and also Bob were afraid I might do something to myself. I never had many friends in my life, just casual acquaintances, but I increasingly cut myself off from them too, until I just stayed at home. I didn't go to a public school, I always had private tutors, so I was just at home all the time. Until that one day about a year and a half ago, when I met Dylan and the others from the band at the gala. I then went on to explain how I ended up singing ‘Der Song’ for the first time and how that started my music career. I slowly began to flourish again, I was happy and joking around with the staff at home again, the worry lines on my parents, Uncle Jo and Bob and also on the other staff members slowly disappeared, but didn't go away completely.
I took a break and took a sip of my water, grimacing as always – that stuff tastes disgusting – and Daniel smiled slightly and then asked shyly: ‘Can I ask you what you were afraid of and what you suppressed, and what does that have to do with today and with me?’
Actually, I didn't have to say anything anymore, I knew he already knew the answers, but I had to go through with it now. ‘It was only when you were suddenly so sad and you said that you thought it was all a dream that I realised what I had said and that you probably took it the wrong way.
Let me try to explain it to you:
The realisation I had about you, which I had during the brief eye contact with you, and something became clear to me and I accepted it, too, lifted a huge burden from me. But I was also totally confused and just wanted off the stage. So I went to my dressing room and changed. I sat there on the chair and my eyes fell on the magazine, the editorial was about Pride Week here in Los Angeles, which starts next week, and I slowly had the idea of changing the end of the show today. I immediately put this plan into action by telling the head of lighting technology my wishes for the last song, and you were able to experience the result of this change live. But the fact that I could embarrass you in front of thousands of people because of my rash action, make you look gay and who knows what else, but you would have to bear the consequences of my rash actions, none of that occurred to me at the time. It was only when I stood in front of you and held out both my hands, that Bob knew that you were the one for ‘THE SONG’. He did his job and lifted you over the barrier. It was only at that moment that I realised what it could all mean for you, but it was too late, I couldn't go back, I had to see this through. I could only try to defuse the whole thing somehow, hence the explanation at the end to the audience, I was just trying to protect you.
But I keep beating around the bush without answering your questions, although I'm pretty sure you know the answers.’
Very quietly he said ‘maybe’ and looked at me lovingly.
‘... so when I saw you from the stage at that moment, the realisation hit me like a bolt of lightning, and in a millisecond I realised that I'm gay and can now accept it for myself.’ He smiled slightly, and there was something else, somehow I was close to the water today, because I realised that tears were welling up again. ‘I have also fallen madly in love with you at this very moment, even though I don't know you at all.’ My tears now decided to seek their way to freedom as I said this, and Daniel carefully brought his two hands closer and closer to my face, gently wiping them away with his thumbs. Slowly, very slowly, our faces came closer and closer. With a bit of luck, a sheet of paper would fit between our lips, when there was a knock at the door and Bob suddenly stood in the room, we flinched.
‘David, I just got off the phone with your parents. I had to inform them about what you did here today and how Sahra behaved. She's completely lost it, the phones haven't stopped ringing, every TV and radio station wants an interview and every journalist who can hold a pencil wants a story about you, well rather you,’ and he grinned as he said it. ’Furthermore, your mother demands that you appear at the estate immediately.’ Oh my god, what does that mean, my mother demands and also immediately, normally my mother asks me for something or would like to have, but ‘demands’ and then ‘immediately’, whereby she takes the word immediately literally, the big hand of a clock can only turn once, which means in plain language, I have to be home within an hour. ‘But Bob, how are we supposed to make it from here to the estate in an hour, that's impossible.’ The only answer I got was, “The helicopter lands in five minutes.” I was totally shocked. Just before he closed the door completely, it opened again a crack and Bob stuck his head in: ’There's something else. Your mother said I shouldn't dare to appear without her future son-in-law.’ He quickly pulled his head out and while he closed the door completely, he said, “Sorry, but that just had to be.” At that moment, my bottle of water with the delicious contents flew against the door. I only just heard Bob say, ‘It doesn't taste that bad that you have to throw it around,’ and I started laughing.
We both sat on the couch and just looked at each other, both of us a little shocked. I couldn't get Bob out of my head and I just thought to myself, what did he have for breakfast today, I haven't seen him like this in a long time. Yes, how long actually not, how long had I not heard Bob laugh, although we used to laugh about almost every little thing and then it occurred to me: He stopped laughing around the time when I was getting worse and worse and I was withdrawing more and more. I became sad and the tears came back again, because I slowly realised what I had done to my environment with my behaviour during this time, but what had changed today, I had been feeling better for about a year and a half already. Somehow he realised that today was probably the last straw, which apparently still hung over me like the sword of Damocles. He probably knew me better than I knew myself. That would also explain why he had reacted so aggressively to Sahra. She would never have hit me or hurt me in any other way. You are probably thinking that he just separated her from me and quietly told her to leave, but that's where the rub is buried, or however you say it. When Bob shouts and screams, everything is OK, but when he is very calm and speaks softly, which is more like hissing, then caution is advised, because then he is on the verge of an explosion. Sahra knows this and has therefore quietly disappeared from his sight. He would do everything in his power to prevent me from withdrawing into my shell again because of something or someone. So my tears were running again today (by the way, how much lacrimal fluid can a body actually produce in one day? Daniel wiped the tears from my face with his thumbs again and asked me quietly: ‘David, what's wrong all of a sudden?’ I said that I would probably have to apologise to all the people close to me for the time I had caused them so much grief. He just said that he didn't think I would have to do that and that they wouldn't ask me to either, they would just be happy that you are now the happy and cheerful boy again that they love and have missed so much. I smiled slightly at him and hoped he was right. Slowly, very slowly, our lips approached each other again and this time there was no sheet between them. Our lips touched lightly, a small, first kiss without tongues. After all, we had already known each other for proudly 90 minutes or so when our lips touched, I thought I felt little flashes and an unknown feeling of happiness chased through my body and I felt that Daniel felt the same way. There was a soft knock at the door and Bob asked, a little shyly, if he could come in without having to watch out for low-flying water bottles. I said he could come in safely, although I briefly toyed with the idea of throwing the half-full coke can from Daniel at him, but I decided against it in the end, after all I liked Bob too much. He came in and asked us if we had settled everything we needed to. We both looked at each other, nodded slightly, turned to Bob and said in unison: ‘Yep, all set.’ Bob laughed again and said: ‘Well, that could be something, you're already answering in unison.’ Then, however, he said seriously, ‘We have to go, the helicopter's here.’ My smile disappeared from my face again. I knew, especially after Bob said that he shouldn't dare to appear without her new son-in-law, that something bad or even rejection wouldn't be waiting for us at home, but I should probably ask Daniel first if he wanted to come at all, I couldn't decide for him. I had already said it, or rather, I had already made two mental notes: the boy simply notices everything. He took me in his arms and just said, ‘You don't need to be afraid, I'm happy to come with you,’ and gave me a little kiss on the mouth and I smiled again. ‘Then let's get started,’ said Bob, opened the door and took me by the right side, Daniel by the left, putting an arm around each of our shoulders. We left the dressing room and were immediately surrounded by a crowd of twenty security people and led through the hallway to the stage exit. Normally, there is an after-show party in the backstage area after a concert, where I would have gone to after freshening up, of course. It wouldn't have been forever, but I've usually lasted about an hour at these things. It was actually always quite funny, although some of them were quite proud of the fact that they were allowed to be in the backstage area. Well, I always thought ‘if it makes you happy’, although that probably didn't help with some of them. -g- I actually felt sorry for them, many of them had paid a lot of money for such a pass and then I didn't come, but as I found out later, Sahra had calmed down and told the guests that I unfortunately couldn't attend the party today due to an urgent family matter, but that their passes would still be valid for the next concert in LA. Well, whether that was such a happy way to put it. ‘Urgent family matter’, they all saw what I did during the last song, well, actually I don't care what people think. We arrived at the end of the hallway, and before the doors were opened to the outside, some security people took signs and held them over us so that no one could see us. Do you know Asterix and Obelix, how the Romans always march there, it must have looked something like that. The doors opened and suddenly it was as bright as day from the flurry of flashlights. Not much should be visible in the pictures, but slowly but surely we reached the helicopter, the rotor was still on and Bob pushed us in, then jumped in himself and immediately closed the door. The rest of the security people quickly went back and the helicopter took off under a flurry of flashlights and flew towards the estate where my family lives.
The flight would take about 40 minutes; we would never have made it in an hour, as my mum had set, even with a police escort. Anyone who has ever flown in a helicopter knows that it's hard to have a conversation in one, as you usually have headphones on. You can switch off the people you don't want to hear, but it's still not a real conversation, at least that's my opinion, and I'm always quite quiet on a flight. I sat next to Daniel and held his hand in mine and thought about what had happened in the last few hours. I turned to Daniel and gave him a little kiss on his right cheek, because there was this stupid microphone hanging from his helmet in front of his mouth, I had pushed it up on my helmet. Just as I was turning back, I noticed something about Daniel: he had a backstage pass hanging from a red ribbon, but if he had a pass, why was he out in the audience and not in the backstage area, and why did he have a red pass? You have to know that there are at least three different types of backstage passes: yellow, blue and red. Yellow ones allow you to be in the backstage area, but not everywhere, with the blue ones, you are allowed to be in almost the entire backstage area, except for the dressing rooms of me and possible guests of mine, e.g. my favourite boy band Dylan, who sometimes, if their time allows, come on stage for a few songs, the fans are always happy because a concert then always takes longer, because these interludes then come in addition to the normal programme, are taboo for them. Yes, and then there are the red ones, they are allowed in my dressing room. That doesn't mean that they can just walk in, they still have to knock, and I have to allow it, but they could just go there and knock without any problems. The reds are really rare and only my immediate surroundings actually have one, for example Bob, Dylan and the other guys from the band, the security, Sahra, my manager, Paul, my press officer, my parents, they are around, then there's Jean, who is responsible for my wardrobe, well, everything that has to do with clothes and such, and Tina, who is responsible for hair and make-up. Otherwise, I can't think of anyone off the top of my head. Well OK, I've got one too, OK it's not red but golden (sorry, sounds snobbish, I know, but it wasn't my idea) I should actually always wear it when I'm in the backstage area, unless I'm going on stage, then of course not. At the opening concert of my US tour in Miami, there was an incident that was actually quite funny. I was running a bit aimlessly through the corridors, looking for my dressing room. I can't even remember why I was so disoriented that day, it was probably nervousness, also known as stage fright before my performance. After all, it was the first performance in such a large arena, I think there were 30 thousand thousand or more spectators. Until then, it was usually only TV appearances in shows or something like that, and the audience is usually very manageable, usually no more than 100 people, even if some camera angles make it look like more. My biggest appearance in front of a large audience to date was actually at the gala in front of about 1000 people, but I was so surprised myself that I didn't really realise it at first. It was only when the applause started that I realised it properly and my knees started to shake. Dylan gave me a hug and took me back to the table of my parents and my uncle Jo. There were a few guest appearances at concerts by Dylan and Co. later on, but I was only a guest and not the actual show act and I was never alone on stage. But now, before my first big concert, I was all alone on stage. Well, that's not entirely true. There were usually some dancers there, but they weren't the show act. It was just me. Over 30 thousand people were willing to spend money on a ticket just to hear me, yes me, sing there that evening. I couldn't believe it at the time and still can't really, even though everyone says to me, you have such a talent, they can't really describe it themselves, but somehow I would manage to fill the stage and captivate everyone, whatever they mean by that. So I probably just had stage fright, and believe me, when you're standing there, no matter how cool you are or whatever, your heart sinks. And anyone who says they don't feel that way is either lying, or they go on stage drunk, or they take pills, or both. But since I don't do either alcohol or pills, my heart does slip a floor or two just before the show. So I ran headlessly through the corridors to find my dressing room. When I found it, a security man arrived, saw that I didn't have a pass on, he probably didn't know me either, which I couldn't blame him for and didn't. On the one hand, it was the first concert, everyone was new and we all had to get to know each other first. I'm not, wasn't and don't plan on being, the type to demand that everyone knows me and knows who they have in front of them. So I was just about to open the door to my dressing room when this new guy (well, actually all the security guards were new, but the others had apparently found out who they were supposed to protect beforehand) so this two-metre giant named Matthias, as I later found out, came up to me, grabbed me by the collar and said: ‘How did you get in here, I'll throw you out of here in a flash. But first I want to know how you got in here.’ So I fidgeted around and then just said, but then you go out on stage and tell them outside that the concert is cancelled because you kicked me out. Then it slowly dawned on him who he had grabbed by the collar and he asked rather sheepishly: ‘Can you please show me your passport, I'm new here and don't want to do anything wrong’. Man, was that embarrassing, we then went to my dressing room and I showed him my passport, on my passport is in addition to an ID number and a photo of me. He then checked with a scanner, if this was real and when the scanner gave the green light and thus had confirmed its authenticity, he apologised a thousand times with me and then left me alone in my dressing room. Since that incident, whenever I see Matthias the giant in one of the corridors, I always act very frightened, then scream for help, ‘That one’, and point at him (I know you're not supposed to do that), ‘wants to kick me out, help me’, and run away. He: ‘Yes, yes, another boy running around here without a passport, just you wait, I'll get you,’ and he runs after me, because everyone knows about the incident at the first concert, everyone laughs. Something like that also helps to dispel stage fright. After a few metres, I let Matthias catch me and we end up laughing and hugging each other. When I think about it now, I notice that Bob never laughed along with me, but just shrugged slightly at the corners of his mouth. Oh man, what have I done, are they all suffering from some kind of trauma and I never noticed, I was just too busy digging myself in. Hopefully my boyfriend – I think I can already say that Daniel is my boyfriend now – is fine with it when he said that I didn't have to apologise, they're just happy that I'm back to my old self. Tears ran down my right eye again, the left one stayed dry, but they were only three small ones, probably my body had no more ingredients to produce more tear fluid or it wasn't ready yet. -g-. This time, however, I managed to wipe away the three tears myself without anyone noticing, but I was starting to feel embarrassed; I was mutating into the crybaby of the millennium today. But why did Daniel have such a red pass around, probably Bob had given him one when he went with him from the stage to the backstage area, but no, he already had it on when I saw him for the first time, this image, even if it was maybe only one or two seconds, had been burned forever in my brain. So I tried to recall this picture and yes, I could see the pass quite clearly in front of me, but only the pass, I couldn't see the red ribbon, but that was probably because he was wearing a bright red shirt in almost exactly the same colour as the ribbon. If he had had a yellow or blue pass, I would have seen that because of the colour difference. So why did Daniel have a red backstage pass and why wasn't he in this area if he already had one, but directly in front of the stage? At that moment, Daniel squeezed my left hand, which was still in his right, a little harder. I looked at him questioningly, but then I realised that the helicopter was slowly descending and preparing to land; we had arrived at my family's estate.
What would await us now...

“Are you coming at last?”

“Yes, I'll be right there.”

“Benny, hurry up, will you?”

“Yes!”

Oh man, the same old story every time. Dad has a new job and we have the stress.

Why? It's simple! My dad is the coach of a Bundesliga soccer team! That meant we had to change cities every three years.

In this business, it's called fluctuation, quite simply. And now he had received an offer that, in his own words, he couldn't refuse.

The team in Germany, the biggest for any trainer in this country. So we're moving again. This time to Munich! To the great FC Bayern. From northern Germany to this, well, how should I put it? Bavaria, that's it! For me, that means: losing friends, moving, new school! Great!

I'm thrilled! Very thrilled! I could throw up!

Good! He's making a shit load of money! The press are already pissing him off and I have to go with him. Great!

From Hamburg to Munich! For me, that's about as good as from Hamburg to... I don't know what?

Definitely rubbish!

And I was doing really well, had settled in, even found a few friends.

Yes! All right! I'll stop whining.

So I got into the new Audi A8, free from the sponsor, of course.

Everything is pushed up your ass. New house, paid for by the club, tutoring for God knows what. And you guessed right! Paid for by the club!

I sat in the passenger seat because a mom no longer exists. She had preferred to give my dad the boot. That was two years ago. They drifted apart! What a word! Why don't they just tell me the truth? She fell in love with someone else and my dad is in love with his job. Simple! Or? Well, for a 15-year-old, it's probably still too much to understand.

What do you think?

I was looking out of the side window. Signs and guard rails passed by and I looked briefly behind me, where my brother Leif was sitting and playing something on the laptop.

Leif had just turned 15 and didn't really mind moving again. Leif? Kind of a weird guy. Our relationship has never been the best, I don't know why. We're just too different, I guess. He likes to hang around on the PC more than I do with people.

He's just a loner! At some point I just stopped giving him a hard time about it. If there's no reaction, it's just no fun.

With the Kassel mountains just behind us, my dad said to me:

“And so bad?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, Munich?”

“No idea! I just happen to like Hamburg.”

“Because of your mother?”

“Nonsense! You know that. No, because of my friends there.”

“Hey! Benny! I'm sure you'll make new friends and besides, Hamburg isn't out of the world.”

“Only 900km away. Do you think you can make it in Munich with the star ensemble?”

“Well, come on! With my best co-trainer named Benny? What could possibly go wrong?”

Typical of my dad! He always asked me about new player signings and line-ups. Why? No idea! He just said I had a good nose for who fits into the team and who doesn't. Yes! I like soccer! It's exciting, the tactics, the players – even though most of them are pretty empty-headed.

“I'll still be a Pauli fan though.”

“Son! Me too! But don't tell anyone.”

My answer remained a grin. Four years ago, my dad had taken FC St. Pauli from the third to the first Bundesliga. The last season then in the Uefa Cup and that was also the reason for this offer from FC Bayern. Yes, Pauli is something special, led by a gay president, with the most awesome fans ever. Very alternative, sometimes they look a bit wild, but they are usually super peaceful and nice. They always got so baked at the Millerntor that it didn't matter whether they won or lost, by the end they were so stoned themselves that they always went out celebrating. And I don't even smoke pot. I tried it two or three times and fell asleep every time. Nah, I'd rather shoot a bottle of wine in the head and be done with it.

I must have dozed off, my old man woke me up when we finally arrived. Munich-Grünwald is apparently a rich neighborhood, in any case, the neighboring houses looked exactly like our new one. It was a mansion-like neighborhood. The moving company that took care of our move was apparently already finished, I saw a fully furnished house.

My room is on the second floor, but I was too tired to take a closer look. When I woke up, I realized that it was light again. How long have I been sleeping? A glance at the clock on my bedside table confirmed it. I had slept for ten hours straight. Oh man! Now it's time to get up! Off to the bathroom! Bathroom? Where is the bathroom?

“Dad? Where's the bathroom?” I shouted into the open house!

My father was sitting at the kitchen table, a pot of coffee in his hand, grinning at me.

“You have your own. The door in your room.”

“Thanks.”

Door which door? It was weird, but I had overlooked it.

I found it right away. Cool! I even had a bathtub in here! Finally no hassle with Leif about who could use the bathroom first.

Freshly polished, I wanted to go with Dad to the training ground in Säbener Strasse. There was the first team training session with the new coach, that is, my father.

He had hardly arrived when he was taken over by the manager, so I felt a little lost.

I was still standing around a little indecisively next to the A8 and didn't really know how to get in here, when I heard someone from behind:

“Hi! Do you know where the dressing room is?”

I turned around and saw the face of one of Germany's most talented young players, Daniel Berg. However, I not only saw the player but also two super cute shiny eyes that literally leapt out at me. Wow! He's got something!

“Um, I, well, um, no idea!” Phew, that was hard!

“Ah, so!“ and grinned at me so sweetly that I blushed. Earth open up! Swallow me! Please!

“And what are you doing here then? A fan or a spy?”

“More of a spy,” I had found my voice again.

Puzzled, Daniel looked at me and said, “You're way too young for that!”

In the meantime, a bodyguard or supervisor (or whatever these people are called) had apparently spotted Daniel and guided him to the training ground. He winked as he passed me and said, “Have fun spying.”

The supervisor gave me a dark look and disappeared with Daniel.

Man, Daniel was really cute! Blond hair cut into a fringe, just as tall as me, 5'9“, and his face was just cute. Yes, cute, that's all I could think of at the moment.

I had another problem, this 6'7” hulk of a man standing in front of me and telling me to go away.

My head went up slowly to meet his eyes.

“That won't work.”

“What? That won't work? Move your haunches and goodbye.”

“My dad would object.”

“Oh yeah? And who's your dad?”

“The trainer.”

The cabinet looked at me and started laughing loudly. This laughter sounded so hollow that I almost expected an echo.

“Benny! What took you so long?”

My dad was standing behind the fence, looking at me impatiently.

“I can't get past this human.”

The hulk stood motionless in front of me and his laughter now slipped away.

“Why didn't you say so?“ he hissed at me.

“Huh? I did!” After an apology from the locker, I now also entered the training ground.

It took a while for the team to be complete. Some of the players were sitting, others were standing, forming a semi-circle around my dad. I stood a little way off and watched my dad's inaugural address with interest. Well, actually, I was more watching the players and their reactions; the younger ones all looked very focused, the older ones a little bored. They've probably been through something like this many times before.

The new assistant coaches were introduced. My dad mumbled something and pointed at me, the players grinned and nodded at me.

I don't know what Dad said to them, but it was probably something like 'mascot' or something like that.

The players warmed up and Daniel came up to me grinning:

“So, so, a spy for the coach?”

“Nonsense!“ My reaction was a little too intense, so I immediately felt sorry for Daniel, who gave me a friendly punch on the arm and said:

“Hey! I didn't mean it like that. I'm glad you're here.” And then he walked away, winking at me again.

What was that about? And that wink! Oh man! I could really go for him. Nonsense! Him and gay? No way. Come on! No way! But enough about me and my fantasies!

Yep! I'm gay! Even though I've never had a real boyfriend. I'm not really sure why. My looks are okay, I guess, but it's probably more to do with my shyness. That's the disadvantage of being the son of a celebrity. I just don't know if people want something from me because of who I am or because my dad is the coach. Once I've found out and made friends, it's time to move! Well, that's how it was in Hamburg.

The rest of the training was boring, so I went to see the club house. It's pretty impressive. Very modernly furnished and styled in the club colors.

In the hallway, I met the manager, who recognized me and said:

“Well, Benny? How do you like it here?”

“It's pretty impressive.”

He then blabbed something about hard work and a traditional club and stuff like that. I tuned my ears to auto mode or draft and nodded my head from time to time. The last thing he said, I did catch though.

“I still have something for you.”

“And what would that be?”

“Come with me.”

I followed the manager into a room, which was probably his outer office. A secretary greeted us and shook my hand.

“Susanne, have you got the ID for Benny ready yet?”

I was amazed at the casual tone that prevailed here.

“Just a moment, boss!” She rummaged around in a drawer and then gave me a VIP ID with my picture on it.

“So the security people will let you in.”

Aha, so they're called security. After I had thanked her, I disappeared towards the exit. The training must have ended too, because some of the players, already dressed, were talking in the parking lot or signing autographs. Daniel was standing there too and was being hugged and smothered by some chick. Damn! Of course, the cutest player here had a girlfriend. My mood went down.

“Hey, Benny!” Daniel said when he saw me.

I traipsed over to him and he introduced me to his girlfriend, babbling something about maybe doing something together, to which I replied with a simple yes. With my head bowed, I then crept over to Dad's car, but he was nowhere to be seen. Bored, I watched the players and noticed the first difference to Pauli. At Pauli, the whole team usually went to the clubhouse or the local bar to chat, but here the players left immediately after the end of training. So much for team spirit. My dad turned up and asked me what was going on. I explained to him what I had just seen and he nodded approvingly.

“Yes, I've noticed that too. So what do you think about inviting the team to a barbecue?”

“At our house?”

“Yes, sure! We did that quite often in Hamburg.”

“OK! When?”

“Saturday! Sunday is a training-free day and we don't have a friendly game either.”

“Fine by me.”

“Oh, one more thing.”

“Yes?”

“The new player from the USA is arriving tomorrow.”

“And?”

“I wanted to ask you to come with me to the airport, he'll be living with us for a while anyway, so he'll have at least one person to turn to. Besides, you're the same age and might become friends, so it won't be so hard for him.”

Shit! I hadn't thought about the American anymore. There is a club boarding school here, but it was probably already full. That's why the club management decided to put him up with us for now. More of a family atmosphere, so that he feels comfortable. The once-in-a-century talent, as the German trade journals called him, should thrive in a sheltered environment. I didn't know all that much about him, only that his name is Sean Kaiser, he has a German mother and would therefore probably be eligible for our national team. Oh, and that he is 17 years old and that FC Bayern paid 6 million euros for his transfer. And that for a 17-year-old! That's a lot, but it's not my money, so I don't care.

I still had three weeks of vacation left and didn't have anything better to do anyway.

“Well, if I'm doing you a favor.” There's nothing wrong with a little brown nose every now and then.

“Thanks, I knew I could count on you. Oh, and by the way, maybe you'll find what you're looking for in him?”

My dad grinned from ear to ear and I blushed. Great! Always pick on the little ones! My father has known that I'm gay for three years and, unlike my mother, he took it quite lightly and sometimes makes fun of me about it. It's probably one of the reasons why I chose my father and moved in with him and not with my mother, who couldn't come to terms with my homosexuality at all. My mother had made a fuss after my involuntary coming out. Involuntary? Uproar? My mother caught me with a classmate practicing French kissing. We were just practicing! The old lady went crazy and screamed like a fury. She kept asking me if I was gay and at some point, out of defiance, I got tired of it and said yes. After that, there was no contact between us. At the time, I didn't even know for sure if I was really gay. That changed over time and I became very sure of it. My dad had laughed at my mother and told me that I should stand by it. Yes, that welded us together. My brother Leif just took it without comment. What can you say as a 12-year-old? The only problem is that I still don't know how he feels about it and whether he can handle it. As I said, he's a loner.

The flight from America was supposed to land in Munich around 10:00 a.m. My dad was getting impatient because I couldn't get ready in the bathroom. I had the usual problem: my hair was standing on end in all the wrong places. So I whipped out the hair gel and tried to tame the beast with hairspray. I looked in the mirror: disaster!

Wash my hair again, blow-dry it and the same game all over again. Normally I'm not that vain, but somehow I wanted to make a good impression on the American guy. Why? Just because! I mean, he's going to be living with us for a while and if he comes across an exploded toilet brush right away? First impressions count! I read that somewhere.

So check! Yes it's OK! Let's go. We wanted to travel incognito, that is, just my dad and me. When we arrived at the new Franzdings Airport (or what was the last King of Bavaria's name again? *fg*), we hadn't reckoned on the local tabloids, which had somehow got wind of the American's arrival today. Photographers and reporters were already bustling around the entrance hall.

“Shit!” my dad exclaimed.

“Yep!”

“So what?”

“Do the press people know me?”

My dad looked at me and then grinned.

“Nope, I don't think so.”

“Then maybe you should disappear and I'll go and get him out.”

“OK! Do you know what he looks like?”

“No idea!”

“Here's a photo of him, and when you've found him, come immediately to the side exit, I'll somehow make the BGS people understand that they should get rid of the hordes. All right?”

“Jo! Do you have enough autograph cards with you?”

“Why?”

“For the BGS people?”

My dad grinned at me and gave me the thumbs up sign. So, into battle I went! I looked at the photo of Sean and my knees went as soft as jelly. Shit! If the guy looks half as good in person as he does in the photo, I'll probably have a few sleepless nights. Then Daniel came to mind again, he's just a footballer! Sean probably has a girlfriend in America, so what the heck! Sigh! I bought a pair of sunglasses and a pretty cool hat at a souvenir stand. I reached the gate just in time. The first Lufthansa passengers from Boston were streaming out of the security area when I saw Sean. Man, the photo wasn't even half as good as he looks in person. Tanned, brown hair and deep blue eyes. Shit! Oh please not that! A certain part of me was making itself felt in my pants! How embarrassing is that, please! My hair is in place, but my pants are not, or rather they are sticking out because I only have cargo shorts on! Garbage! I don't have time to think about it anymore or the press will get him right away! So over to him!

“Hi! Are you Sean Kaiser?” How imaginative!

His eyes scanned me from top to bottom. My boss in the pants had meanwhile calmed down in the rush. Phew!

He looked at me uncertainly and then said after what seemed like an endless moment:

“Uh, yeah! I'm Sean! Why?”

His German is damn good. Almost accent-free. He still looked at me uncertainly and couldn't seem to pigeonhole me in his brain.

That was probably my part now.

“Hi! I'm Benjamin Degen, your coach's son! Welcome to good old Germany! And of course to FC Bayern Munich! Please put on these sunglasses and this hat!”

“Why?”

“Why? Because it's essential for you! That's why!”

Shit! Now the little guy was even more intimidated, I could see that from his eyes staring nervously at me. That's exactly what I didn't want! What should I do now? Best to tell the truth, right?

“Listen Sean! You're playing for FC Bayern from now on! And that means you're something of a star! The press is lurking in the reception area for you. We wanted to spare you that at first, that's why I'm here! The two of us won't attract as much attention as if the entire Bavarian entourage had appeared here. So put on sunglasses and a hat and follow me!”

“OK!”

I think Sean was so frightened that he would have accepted anything. I put the sunglasses and the hat on him and grinned at him.

“Looks cool!”

Hey! A first slight smile from him! I grabbed one of the two light bags he was carrying with him, the suitcases would follow anyway by FC-Bayernexpress, and stomped towards the side exit. I looked at him a little from the side and had to grin again. The way he had looked at me just now, that shy look from bottom to top, wow! For me, he fell into the category of: cuddling, protecting and holding on to. My little one! We made it to the side exit without any problems, where we were met by a line of BGS officers who then escorted us out of the building to my dad's car without being observed.

After the obligatory greeting from my father, I sat down in the passenger seat and Sean sat down in the back. Sean didn't say a word the whole ride. I turned around to him and smiled encouragingly, which he gratefully accepted to briefly smile back.

Sean Kaiser Boston, USA

(The story continues from Sean's point of view, one week before departure!)

“Please Sean, don't go to Europe!”

My boyfriend sat across from me and looked at me with tear-filled eyes. Oh shit! Why is he making this so difficult for me?

Two months ago, I received a call from Munich asking if I could imagine moving to Munich. What a question. To the top club in Germany? To one of the best clubs in the world? Of course I could! Especially to Germany, my mother's home country and a language I am proficient in? At home, we spoke German almost exclusively because my mother wanted me to grow up bilingual. The manager and coach came to Boston two weeks later to finalize the contract. We met at the office of my Boston River Soccer Club's manager, who plays in the US Major League and with whom I had a long-term contract. It was actually clear to me that I would go to Munich, you only get such a chance once in a lifetime. My manager discussed it with the Munich people and when it came to the transfer fee, my jaw dropped.

The guy actually wanted $7 million for me. Shit! That's it then. Bye, bye Bayern! The two of them will surely stand up and leave the room without saying a word. But the FC Bayern manager didn't even bat an eyelid and just said, pretty cool, “OK!” My manager's facial features slipped and, just to be on the safe side, he asked if he had understood correctly.

Mr. Schmidt, the manager of FC B, confirmed that this was correct. My stomach tightened at that moment. 7 million? Is a player who is just 17 years old worth that much?

I felt slightly queasy. What expectations do they have of me? Never before has so much been paid for an American player, especially not for a 17-year-old.

After everything was signed, we said goodbye to each other. I still couldn't quite believe it. Yesterday, the two gentlemen from Munich had been at our house and discussed everything with my mother and me. I got a six-year contract with an annual salary of over a million euros. That seemed pretty excessive to me, and when I realized that it was euros and not dollars, I didn't understand anything anymore.

I didn't really care about the money. I only wanted to play soccer. Money was not really important to me!

In Boston, I earned $2,500 a month and thought that was a lot.

I probably would have played for Munich for €500 a month.

Of course, at the beginning my mother was not at all happy about me going to Europe. With a lot of charm and persuasion from the people of Munich, she finally agreed. A few free flights did the rest.

The other problem was now facing me. Jason! My boyfriend, who I had been with for two months. He just couldn't and wouldn't understand what an opportunity this was for me. Jason is my first boyfriend, my first real boyfriend.

“Jason! Please, understand that this is my chance!”

“Sean! I can't understand it! What's so special about this club that you want to go to Europe? You can play here too, can't you?”

Jason didn't have a clue about soccer, like most Americans.

“Here in the US, we play in front of 2,000 spectators because Americans aren't interested in what sport is number one in the rest of the world. Americans think that baseball, rugby, and basketball are number one. But Jason prefers not to think that way! Soccer is the number one sport played all over the world. And this club that wants me, almost every child outside the United States knows it!”

“What about us?”

That was the question I had dreaded the most. What about us? Jason loved me, I felt that every day we were together, but did I love Jason? I wanted it so much! I like him, sex with him, his naturalness! Do I love him? Would I go to Europe then? No, hardly, right?

Oh shit, that was complicated! What should I answer him? He was waiting for me to answer his question! I didn't know the answer.

After endless minutes of silence, he just left my room.

What should I tell him? That it's over between us? I just couldn't.

When do you love someone so much that you give up your dreams for them? Probably only if that person is one of those dreams?

Jason was definitely not one of my dreams!

Unfortunately!

Jason was my first sexual experience and at the time I thought I loved him. Today I think differently, no, I felt differently! Jason is nice! Uncomplicated, others would call him boring, but at the time he was just there for me! At the time! Just two months ago! At the time! Good heavens!

As if he had already been forgotten! Am I so selfish?

Of course I would miss Jason in Europe. Our conversations, coming out to our parents, which only brought us both closer together.

My mother, who almost collapsed when we told her. Jason wanted to call an ambulance. A glass of water in the face did the trick.

The second one my mother got when I told her that I wanted to go to Europe.

Wanted? No, had to! That was my dream! My life! That's what I trained for, that's why I skipped so many parties. That's why I gave up my first boyfriend. Shit!

To play soccer in front of 80,000 people cheering you on, that's it!

My brain was on a rollercoaster! Jason! Bayern Munich!

My mother drove us to Logan Airport Boston, Jason sitting next to me on the back bench, holding my hand the whole time. I hardly dared to look at him, knowing he was crying. When we arrived at the gate, he stroked my hair and whispered,

“Sean, don't forget me!”

Shit! I bowed my head and had to swallow endlessly. I tried to suppress everything, but at that moment?

“Hey! Shhhh! Stupid! I'll never forget you! I promise you one thing: when we're in the final, you'll come and see me!”

“Really?”

“Yep!”

Alone in the Lufthansa bird, I suddenly felt so very small. In my mind, movie scenes played out, showing a soccer game in which I bombed. The spectators booed me. My teammates looked at me sympathetically, my coach on the sidelines looked angry. Shit! Soccer in the US and Europe, there are class differences!

The flight was very smooth and I soon fell asleep. Time for a snack. Which, by the way, was excellent, since I was in business class.

I spent most of the time sleeping. We then began our descent and I looked out the window for the first time. Sunshine!

No rain? As I had expected?

In the States, I was told so much about life in Germany that I fully expected it to just rain here.

There were people who told me that I would have to salute here before I was even let in.

With mixed feelings, I set out to leave the passport controls behind me. Strangely enough, the police officers greeted me in a super nice way and wished me a nice time in Germany. Quite different from our cops in the States, who were usually just grumpy.

Almost in a trance, I walked on when a boy approached me and spoke to me.

“Are you Sean Kaiser?”

The boy who spoke to me was just, just... Wow! About the same height as me, gray-blue eyes, blonde messy hair sticking out on all sides.

His face was almost too perfect. No pimples, nothing, nothing at all! Shit! Did this guy look good! Do they all look this good here? Oh, man!

He mumbled something about sunglasses and a hat, which I didn't really notice. And welcome! And he was the coach's son!

The coach's son? I was supposed to live with the coach! With him? With this perfect German boy? How could I stand that? Just being near him provoked a hormonal surge in me to unimagined proportions.

What did he say again? I don't know! I must have stuttered something. Reporter, star or something like that? Whatever! I'll follow him wherever he goes!

Following him, I stumbled to a side exit where several uniformed policemen were standing. I was apprehensive about opening the door, but the cops just grinned at me. Where am I that even policemen smile at me?

I made myself comfortable in the back seat of my coach's car. He had just greeted me warmly, beaming with joy, just like those other supposedly oh-so-grungy Germans!

I didn't know what to think of that! And when a grinning trainer's son looked at me, I read only one thing in his face: Welcome! Warm, loving, open and honest, that's what I felt at that moment. I couldn't help but smile back at this perfect German boy. What was his name again? Benjamin! Yes! Benny! Thank you! Benny would become a friend, that much was clear to me at that moment. How far could this friendship go? Until I told him everything? Jason and all that?

What then?

Would he understand?

Or hate me? For being gay?

Was he tolerant?

I decided not to say anything for the time being and to wait and see what he was like.

Although, damn, he was cute!

“Oh my God, I'm supposed to live here?“ That was my first thought when I saw my future home. It was huge, it had to be a mansion, and this property! I was just blown away.

“Come on, I'll show you your room!” Benny called to me.

I didn't say anything, I couldn't say anything, I was way too overwhelmed.

We took the two bags out of the car and I trotted after Benny, just like at the airport.

Pretty stupid! I must have looked like a little kid standing in front of Santa Claus on Christmas Eve, full of anticipation but so intimidated that I couldn't say a word. Benny must think I'm crazy. Shit.

When we arrived on the second floor, he pointed to a door.

“This is your room, right next to mine.”

He opened the door and my eyes popped out. What a place. My room alone had to be almost as big as my mom's and my old one in the States, combined. No one would believe me if I told them over there. Benny went in and put the bags on the bed.

“Oh, there's still a small problem.”

Great, there had to be some catch to it.

“You don't have your own bathroom, but if you want, you're welcome to use mine.”

And what was the problem? I didn't understand.

“Come on, I'll show you!”

So it was duck walk again. Mama duck waddled ahead and the chick behind. At least that's how it seemed to me.

“So the bathroom can only be reached through my room. I hope you don't mind?”

Huh? I should mind? Well, if anyone should mind, it would be him, since I would have to march through his room while he was still asleep. And he certainly looked even cuter when he slept; I just had to imagine it to get weak in the knees. I loved this bathroom on the spot.

These thoughts probably took a moment too long. Benny looked at me questioningly and I blushed. Shit!

“Um, Sean, if you're embarrassed, you're welcome to use the other one in the hallway, but then you'd have to share it with my brother Leif.”

Shit! Messed up! I probably replied a little too quickly:

“No, no, that's perfect!“ And I got even more nervous.

“Sure? If there's anything you don't like, please say so, OK?”

“Yep! No, I don't mind at all, quite the opposite.” Oops! What was I talking about? “So I mean, uh, what I wanted to say, I uh.”

Loss of mother tongue! Shit!

“Yeah??”

Oh my God, he was so cute! He tilted his head slightly to his right shoulder and grinned at me.

“I wanted to say...” Yes, what did I actually want to say? Oh man, those eyes, that grin on his face. ”I'd like to go through your room.”

I heard these words and my brain registered a fraction later what I was saying. Please, someone, make this not come true!

“Then it's okay.” Benny's grin grew wider and wider. What am I supposed to do with that? No kidding? Nothing? He must think I'm nuts. Of course, what else could he think.

“Um, yes, thank you! So I'll go over there and unpack, OK?” Get out of here, just go. Shit, it was so embarrassing here! No, not here! I was the one who was so embarrassed! Benny, on the other hand, was great! The way he reacted? Yes, he was great and so sweet!

It took quite a while before I had stowed all my stuff safely in the new cupboards. My thoughts took on a life of their own, I dreamt of Benny, what would he look like when he sleeps? And when he awakes? And what would he look like naked? I was just dreaming when I felt a hand on my shoulder and jumped like a little schoolgirl who had just been caught dreaming of horses.

“Oh, sorry, didn't mean to scare you.”

Benny was standing behind me, his hand still on my shoulder. Please keep your hand on my shoulder! This touch was driving me crazy.

Unfortunately, it only lasted a few seconds. And again this look and I was supposed to answer something.

“You can't scare me,” I purred to myself. If I keep this up, he really thinks I'm crazy.

“Then it's okay, are you done?”

Oh, shit. He grinned at me again with that indescribably sweet, cute, melancholy, irresistible smile.

“With what?”

“Um, with unpacking, maybe?”

I'm an idiot! Why do I always say such rubbish?

“Yes, I was just somewhere else.”

“I noticed that. And where were you?”

With you!

“Um, I don't know either.”

“Oh, yes.” And that grin again. ”It's OK! It's all still very strange for you. If you need anything, you know where my room is.”

Without me being able to answer, he had already disappeared.

What did he think of me?

At home--- Benjamin Degen

Hmm, that Sean is a strange one. Actually, I thought he liked me. But then that reaction about the bathroom. Okay, he was an American, I put that down to his prudishness. Yanks are just prudish. And what was that now? I just wanted to help him unpack and caught him dreaming. About his girlfriend, whom he had left alone? He didn't even go into that when I asked him. Well, how long had we known each other then? Just a few hours. What could you expect? But hey! I just wanted to help him.

I would like to walk around your room. What was that supposed to mean? Probably he couldn't speak German as well as I thought.

Could he?

I lay down on the bed and dozed off a little.

Dreamt of Sean caressing me, kissing me, talking to me and kissing me again. Hmmm. Of a stupid cow standing in the door and screaming Shit loudly. Sean's girlfriend? I woke up from this loud Shit.

“Shit! Bullshit!”

No, not a dream! Someone was screaming Shit!

From the bathroom!

Still half asleep, I opened the door. Sean, with only a towel around his hips, was hopping from one leg to the other. With both hands he held his cheeks. American rituals to summon rain? I just cackled. Sorry, at the sight of it?

Sean looked at me with a look that should probably kill me. But he didn't.

“Sean? What's wrong?”

“This aftershave stings like hell! How can you use something like that?”

“Why? What did you use?”

He points to the blue Joop! Nightfly Eau de Toilette bottle without the atomizer. And that really stings on freshly shaved skin.

“Sean! This isn't aftershave!”

“Oh!”

I handed him the Nivea Balm, which he then immediately smeared on.

“Phew, that feels good.”

I looked at him and at the same moment we both burst out laughing.

“Sean, you just looked really stupid. Sorry, but that had to come out.”

His laughter died down and he looked at me, annoyed? Serious? Surprised? and said:

“Hmm, yes I know, I just sometimes look like what was the word? Stupid? I'm sorry.”

He said it and disappeared into his room without saying a word.

What was that now? Did I hurt him?

Should I not have laughed? Was he so sensitive?

I put my hands on the sink and looked at myself in the mirror.

Haphazard thoughts hit the outskirts of my brain. Sean grew up in a different culture, so he thought differently from a European.

In a “theocracy” as it is not known here in Europe, where church and state are strictly separated. Unlike in the US.

Where a bare bosom on TV attracts more attention than reports of torture in Iraq or Guantánamo.

In whose media it is spread that there is only one good one (namely the USA) and its allies who allow themselves criticism are scourged as a rogue state. In a country where the Geneva Conventions are not valid and this country takes for itself to be morally a role model. Yes, to be a constitutional state that locks people up without a fair trial and tortures them for years. The free country of the Bush era!

My hands went to the tap, I turned it on and splashed cold water in my face.

And Sean?

Oh shit! Should I run after him every time Mister America superstar had got something in the wrong throat?

No! I didn't feel like it, he should call his stupid trine in the USA!

He could then whine to her.

Boooaaahhrr! I urgently needed a beer and a smoke! No sooner thought than done! Down to the kitchen, beer from the fridge, to the kitchen table and a smoke lit.

“What are you doing?” Sean asked as he came down the stairs.

“I'm having a beer and a smoke.”

“You're not allowed to do that!”

“Says who?”

“The law!”

“Huh? Who?”

“You're not even allowed to smoke and drink beer yet!”

“Yes I am! Here in Germany you can smoke and drink beer from the age of 16!”

“What? You're kidding me, right?”

“Nope, why would I do that? Do you want a beer too?”

“Um, what?”

“Do you want a beer too?”

“Oh man, I think I need to get used to Europe first.”

“Do that, but quickly, you live in Europe now!”

“Yes, I'm trying, but I just realized that Europe and the US are fundamentally different.”

“Yes, maybe the governments, but also the people?”

“Yes, the people too, it's true!”

“How so?”

“Well, Americans like to talk about freedom, you have it!”

“Have I offended you?” I asked Sean.

“How?”

“Well, with the stupid and stuff? If that's the case, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.”

Sean looked at the ground. I had hurt him. That probably meant pulling myself together in the future! Phew! That would be difficult with Sean.

He just said that he wanted to go to bed and sleep. I wished him a good night and that was that.

“Hello, brother! You've probably just ruined your chances, haven't you?” I hadn't even heard Leif come in.

“Don't be annoying!”

“You like him, but you're too scared to tell him!“ Sometimes Leif is brilliant, but only sometimes.

“100 points.”

“And now? Is your American boy going to walk languishingly around your room and you're going to stare at him languishingly, or what?” There are times when I could kill Leif.

“He's not gay anyway, so stop it!”

“I think he's pretty gay, the way he looks at you!”

“Huh?”

“Man Benny, he's into you, that's how it is!”

“Oh, and how do you know that?”

“I'm smart and I have eyes in my head!”

“Since when?” I grinned at Leif, who just shook his head and walked up. Was I so wrong about my brother?

Could Sean really be gay?

Please! He's cute, he's... everything!

Gay soccer player at FC Bayern! I could already see the headline of the tabloid in front of me! The first headline would probably be:

How gay is Sean really? Can a pretty woman help him???

And then they would probably start a call and put the tits of the applicants on the first page! According to the motto:

Look Sean, German tits are so beautiful! DISGUSTING!!!

The Bild newspaper still hasn't shaken off the “glorious” seventies. The language level has remained the same, as has the world view,

which also got stuck in the Middle Ages. It's just boring, intolerant and vulgar! If only you could laugh about it, but no, they're serious!

A noise woke me up the next morning. It sounded a bit like an airport, the typical turbine noise of the jets. After an endless five minutes, I was even able to localize the noise – it was definitely coming from the bathroom. The hair dryer! It shot into my skull. Yes, that must be it. My hands pulled the blanket over my face, it happened automatically. I let out a growl and turned around until I felt eyes on me. Slowly, I blinked out from under the covers and saw Sean grinning in front of my bed.

“Hello sleepyhead!”

“Hi, sleepyhead hater!”

Sean's face now showed a horror that I definitely didn't want.

“What hater? I thought we were friends?”

Without waiting for an answer, he ran out of my room. Shit! Now I was wide awake and jumped out of bed to intercept Sean in the hallway.

I caught his arm and held him tight.

“Wait! I didn't mean it like that, of course we're friends! You misunderstood me, I meant that you woke me up, nothing more.”

His eyes appraised me and his sad eyes became radiant again.

“Yes, I see.”

His head pointed to a region that was in the lower part of my body and I followed it. Before I saw my morning wood, I felt it. Embarrassing! How do you get out of embarrassing situations? Right! Stay cool!

“Oh, my morning wood! I sometimes have that, luckily I'm wearing these shorts,” I grinned back as coolly as possible.

“Wow! You're cool. If I were you, I'd probably have sunk into the ground!”

“Why? It's quite normal, isn't it, or do you never have a morning wood?”

“Um, of course.”

I said and walked away. Me, cool? Sean had got a completely wrong impression of me, and I had to fix it as quickly as possible. But how? No idea!

When I arrived at the breakfast table, I noticed first of all that Leif was talking to Sean and that the two of them seemed to be getting on very well. The second thing I noticed was that we were alone – my dad had already left for the training center. Hmm, that was strange. It usually took Leif ages to deign to befriend someone. This time it seemed to be different with Sean; the two were laughing and joking. I hardly recognized my brother. I must have missed something.

“Hey you two!”

“Hey, you one,” they said in unison.

Conspiracy! That was the first thought that came to my mind. The two had joined forces to pull one over on me. But they hadn't reckoned on the famous Benny the quick-witted. All right, so I just played along for a bit.

“And what are you laughing at?”

“Oh, brother dear, Sean was just telling me how you reacted so coolly to your mola.”

“And?“ I became more nervous by the second.

“Well, I told him how my oh-so-cool big brother reacted when I caught him jerking off.” No sooner had he finished this sentence than Leif leaned back in his chair with relish to watch the show that was about to unfold.

My head (I wanted to, but couldn't do anything about it) turned red. Oh, God! When I think back to it! Just embarrassing. I was in the shower in Hamburg, pampering my pride and joy, when who should burst in on me in the middle of this extremely important session? That's right, my little brother. Once again, I had forgotten to lock the door. Instead of just turning around, my brain clicked off, and I tried to grab a towel.

Which was not so easy, because the hanger was a bit far away. Well, it was wet – supposed to happen in the shower – and that's why I fell flat on my face.

And then I lay on the floor like a crashed ladybug in front of Leif. Do I have to tell you more? I don't think so. Or do I?

Hmm. Leif stood motionless in front of me and then said as he turned to leave: “So, Benny, next time you're jerking off, just let me know so I can get your friends to have a laugh too.” Yes, one of the highlights of my life.

I looked at the two of them, who could hardly stop laughing. Well, so much for the theory. Benjamin Degen would be cool. At least that was settled.

“Yeah! All right now, where's Dad?” Distraction!

Leif looked at me with narrowed eyes and replied, ”Benny, stop hanging around with the guys, it's not like you.”

He was right! That's the worst part of it, I'm not the type for that, I'm much too shy, but did he have to tell Sean like that? And then there was this story that my brain tried to erase by just making me forget it? Although I wanted to make it clear to him how I really am – not the tough guy, but more the shy guy. Leif has accepted it by now.

“Yes, all right! So Sean, I'm not who you think I am. I'm now, um, different! Um, oh, I don't know.”

“Huh?” Sean looked at me with wide eyes and probably didn't understand the world anymore or me.

“Well, Sean,” it was my brother again who took the initiative, ”Benny is the shyest and at the same time the sweetest person you can imagine. Even if he is sometimes very, very strange.”

Leif? Something like that from my brother? That was almost a declaration of love. The boy must have had a fever!

Chapter 2: Benjamin Degen

The week dragged on. Most of the time I was alone, Sean at training, Leif somewhere. But I didn't mind, because it gave me time to properly furnish my room, check out the area a bit, and of course call some friends in Hamburg. And to brood. I wondered what it would be like to have a friend I could be there for. The phone pulled me out of my thoughts and I picked it up. I only heard a lot of mumbling until it occurred to me that it must have been English – with a terrible slang. I understood only half of what the other person was telling me. A friend of Sean's, I understood that much, and that he would like to talk to him. Since Sean is currently at training, I put him off and suggested that he call back later. But since I already had this friend on the line, I asked him a little about Sean. Did he have to leave his girlfriend at home? In response, I heard sobbing. Oops, what's going on here? The other one, his name was Jason, calmed down quickly and said something like that. I felt a bit queasy and wanted to end the conversation when Jason said to me, “Be a good friend to him and quickly hung up.

What was that supposed to mean? ‘Something like that?’ Did he have a girlfriend or not? Or a boyfriend? The longer I thought about it, the clearer it became to me. Jason is his boyfriend – it couldn't be any different. At that moment, everything fell apart inside me. Sean is gay – great! But he's got a boyfriend – shit! Why did this have to happen to me? But what could I do about it? Nothing! And on the other hand, I finally had someone to talk to. Someone who felt the same way I did. All of a sudden, I felt better and decided to go to the training ground.

Once there, I rode my bike straight to the training ground, which earned me a scolding from the onlookers watching from the fence. The security guard recognized me and immediately opened the gate for me, and the crowd fell silent with curious looks. They probably thought I was a new player here for a trial training session. The team was just about to leave the building. Daniel and Sean spotted me and trotted over to me.

“Our mascot is showing his face again!”

Daniel was the one who said that. Sean looked at us irritated.

“Did I miss something now? Why mascot?”

“Hm, right! You hadn't been there yet when the coach introduced us to his son. So Sean, the little one there is our mascot.”

“Oh.“ Sean looked more and more bewildered and didn't understand anything anymore – I couldn't help grinning.

“And Benny, what brings you here? Did you come to pick me up from training?” Daniel grinned at me.

“Um, actually I came to pick up Seani.”

“Seani?” Daniel raised one eyebrow and, as he stood there, looked like he was competing with Mr. Spock. He then continued, ‘What a shame, and I thought you came for me?”

“For what? You have a girlfriend who will surely take you up in a moment.”

“Boahh, stop it!’ Daniel made a dismissive hand gesture and jogged off.

I turned to Seani.

“What's up with him?”

“I guess he's tired of his girlfriend – she's probably being pretty annoying.”

“Who wants a girlfriend?”

Seani froze and looked at me thoughtfully.

“How long have you been calling me Seani?”

Well, actually I didn't mean to, it just slipped out after Jason kept calling Sean that on the phone.

I lowered my head and whispered, “Jason.”

Panic! That's probably the most appropriate word to describe Sean's facial expression.

“You know Jason? How?”

“He called earlier and wanted to talk to you and, well, we just started talking.”

“And what did you talk about?”

“About you!”

“Yes, I know, but what exactly?”

The little one was getting more and more nervous and I would have liked to have held him, just as he was standing there now, totally sweaty and infinitely helpless.

What should I say to him? The assumption I had? I tried another way.

“Relationship?”

Sean Kaiser (a few hours ago)

My alarm clock rang and I went over to Benny's room to get into the bathroom. Quietly, I opened the door and saw Benny lying in bed, fast asleep. What a sight! His cute tousled head was on the pillow, the duvet pulled up to his nose. I just couldn't take my eyes off him and in an automatic reaction I kissed him on the forehead. I just had to. Benny moved his head and mumbled my name in his sleep. I was slightly startled, thinking he had felt something and woke up from it. I didn't dare move, or even breathe. Relieved, I saw that he would probably still sleep until he started mumbling again. So he talks in his sleep – how cute! I could hardly understand what he was saying, as he had a heavy Hamburg slang on it. Especially at that moment. I understood only fragments of what he mumbled: Sean, kiss m., yuck... love, please, so much and the rest was undefinable grumbling. But what I had heard was enough to trigger a wave of jubilant thoughts in me. Still in the shower, I came up with the most fantastic things I would do with Benny. Would I let him fidget until he came to me on his own? Or would I just walk up to him and kiss him passionately on the mouth, just to see his bewildered expression? I had so many options open to me, but the best thing was that Benny had a crush on me. I felt like I was on cloud nine, it was incredible! In a good mood, I finished showering and blow-drying my hair and entered Benny's room again. He was now awake.

“Hello, sleepyhead!” I greeted him.

“Hello, enemy of sleepyheads!” I got again. Sssnnnooosch! From the cloud into the deepest crater and all within a second. I didn't understand it and said to Benny:

“How enemy? I thought we were friends?”

Just get out of here! I almost ran out into the hallway, but Benny was faster and grabbed me by the arm.

“Wait! I didn't mean it like that, of course we're friends! You misunderstood me, I was just referring to you waking me up, nothing more.”

While I kept my head bowed the whole time, I saw his boner, which couldn't be missed in his shorts. And I just had to grin.

“Yes! I see!“ And pointed to his shorts. I think that if I had been in his situation, I would have been a bit embarrassed. But Benny?

“Oh, my morning wood! I sometimes have it, luckily I'm wearing these shorts,” he just grinned at me coolly.

“Wow! You're cool. I'd probably have sunk into the ground in your place!”

“Why? It's quite normal, isn't it? Don't you ever have a morning wood?”

“Um, of course I do.”

Once we had settled that, I went downstairs to eat breakfast. Leif was already sitting at the table and greeted me.

I've got along very well with Leif so far. We didn't see each other that often, but when we did, we always had a lot of fun. I know from Benny that Leif is quite a loner, but I couldn't really believe that. He was way too relaxed with me for that. We fooled around a lot and Leif was basically much more relaxed than his brother. Although I now knew why Benny sometimes seemed a bit uptight. And why not talk to Leif about it?

“Say, Leif, could it be that Benny's gay?”

Leif looked at me with wide eyes.

“You figured that out so quickly? Not bad!”

“Well, not exactly, but your brother talks in his sleep!”

Leif spurted the milk he had just drunk over half the table.

“It was bound to happen that he would blurt it out in his sleep. Awesome!” Leif now became more serious and looked at me thoughtfully before speaking, ”And what about you? You fell in love with Benny, didn't you?”

“Yes, I did! If only he wasn't so damn cool!”

“Who? My brother? Well, I think I have to tell you a story about that!”

Leif then told me the story of how he caught Benny jerking off and then Benny slipped and was lying in front of him. We doubled over with laughter and just then Benny burst into the kitchen.

“What are you laughing at?”

“Oh, brother, Sean was just telling me how you reacted so cool to your mola.”

“And?“ You could really see how Benny was getting more and more nervous.

“Well, then I told him how my oh-so-cool big brother reacted when I caught him jerking off.” No sooner had he finished this sentence than Leif leaned back in his chair with relish to watch the spectacle that was about to unfold.

You could be nasty to Leif. I had to pull myself together hard not to laugh. But this sight was just too funny. You could really count the seconds in which Benny became more and more restless and nervous. The poor guy! It was still funny.

“Yes, all right! Look, Sean, I'm not who you think I am. I'm different now! Um, oh, I don't know.”

“Huh?” Now I was the one who was surprised. What was this, a coming out in front of me or what?

“Well, Sean,” it was Leif again who took the initiative, ”Benny is the shyest person and at the same time the kindest person you can imagine. Even if he is sometimes very, very strange.”

I grinned quietly to myself and just thought that I already knew what kind of strange person Benny is.

The morning training always started at 10 a.m. and lasted 1 1/2 hours. Most mornings, only fitness training was on the agenda. So, stretching first and then jumping and running exercises, mostly with the ball. One of the first differences to the training I had in the States was that here they really only worked with the ball. In the past, there was often monotonous training, but here the exercises were constantly changing. For example, the good old wheelbarrow that everyone knows. In the past, it was boring up and down hopping, but here poles were set up and each wheelbarrow had a ball in front of it, which it then had to maneuver around these poles in a slalom. This served to improve coordination and team spirit, because the person behind had to steer the person in front by holding their legs. At the beginning it was hard for me, because I first had to get used to the workload, but in the meantime it worked. Also thanks to the team, who had welcomed me very openly. With one or two players there was trouble at the beginning because they were afraid for their starting place. They fouled me harder than necessary when tackling.

I then gave it back to them and they quickly realized that I wouldn't put up with that kind of thing. That was it, with the rest of the team there were and are no problems. Of course, you get along better with some than with others, but that's normal with 26 different guys.

I somehow got on well with Daniel Berg straight away. He's a really nice person who you just have to get along with. He's always in a good mood and up for a laugh.

Between the two training sessions, there was lunch and massages or recovery in the fatigue pool, which I always enjoyed, not only because Daniel usually sat next to me.

The afternoon training then usually consisted of tactical things like moves, set pieces, defensive behavior, training games and so on. After the cool down, training was usually over by 4 p.m.

I was just running when Daniel, next to me, and we heard a murmur from the onlookers. We both turned to see what was going on, and there was Benny riding his bike onto the training ground. Strange! That was the first time I saw him here at all and I already thought that he just wouldn't be interested in football. I found it even stranger that Daniel knew him, because as soon as he saw him, he ran over to him beaming with joy. It was Daniel who reached Benny first. I just heard him call him a mascot. I understood less and less and must have looked like I didn't understand because the two explained what it was about.

“And Benny, what brings you here? Did you want to pick me up from training?” Daniel said to Benny.

“Um, actually I wanted to pick up Seani.”

Seani? Only Jason ever called me that, and I felt a slight dizzy spell coming on.

“Seani?” Daniel's eyebrow went up and wondered about this address until he continued, ‘It's a shame and I thought you were coming for me.”

“What for? You have a girlfriend who will take you away in a second.”

“Boahh, just stop it!’ Daniel made a dismissive hand gesture and jogged away from us.

Benny turned to me and asked,

“What's up with him?”

“He's probably tired of his girlfriend – she's probably getting on his nerves.“ I'd known for a while that Daniel was having trouble with his Tussnella; she was probably taking up so much of his time that he hardly had any left for other things.

“Who wants a girlfriend?” Benny replied. I almost choked on my own spit.

“Since when do you call me Seani?”

Actually, my question should sound quite inconsequential but the answer was quite something.

Very quietly, almost whispering, Benny replied: “Jason.”

Kaawwwuuummm! It hit me and almost knocked me off my feet. Shit! How did he know Jason? And did Benny now think that I was still together with Jason? It sent a cold shiver down my spine.

“You know Jason? How?”

“He called earlier and wanted to talk to you and well, we just started talking.”

“And what did you talk about?”

“About you!”

“Yeah, I know, but what exactly?”

I just had to know everything! Now that I know that Benny is gay, I didn't want to lose him because of such bullshit.

“Relationship?”

“I'm not with Jason anymore!” It came out of my mouth like a shot from a pistol.

Benny grinned from ear to ear. That ass! He didn't know anything and tried to draw me out like that. Yes, I knew something already, I already knew that Benny was gay, but not from me, did he?

“You little bitch!” I shouted and threw myself on him to tickle him.

“Stop, please, have mercy!”

He squealed miserably a few times until I let him go.

“Well, tickled enough by the master?”

I then helped him up while he provocatively smelled my jersey and grimaced in disgust.

“Boa ey, you stink like a whole herd of sheep!”

So I took him in a headlock. Benny gasped and laughed at the same time.

After we calmed down a bit, we both lay on the floor next to each other.

“Duuu?” came from Benny.

“Hmm?”

“Have you been together for long? You and Jason?”

“No, just a few weeks and then Europe happened.”

I knew that Benny wouldn't give up, so I told him the whole story with Jason.

Thoughtfully, he looked at me and then finally said:

“It must be pretty shitty for Jason, the whole situation.”

“It wasn't exactly easy for me either.”

“But it didn't sound like that.”

“How should it sound? Should I walk around here crying all day?”

“No, that's not what I meant! Was it not the greatest love either?”

Was it love at all? What is love? Can you feel it when you've fallen in love? I had no idea. Did I love Benny?

I just knew that I liked being with him and that I missed him when he wasn't around. Was that love?

We lay there in silence for a while, I knew that I didn't have to answer his question, sometimes silence means more than any spoken word.

Saturday – barbecue evening Benjamin Degen

The evening was a great success. The players came with their wives or girlfriends and were really relaxed for a change.

Daniel came alone, which didn't really surprise me, and so the three of us usually sat together. He told us about his relationship and what went wrong. I was a little surprised how casually he could talk about it.

“Women are so shitty, first they act like they want to go to bed with you three times a day and then they have a headache and prefer to go shopping, of course at our expense, and in the evening they even grumble when you want to go out alone, brrr. I'll just say one thing: keep your hands off those creatures.”

“My words.”

“And you, Benny, don't have an opinion at all, do you?”

I grinned nastily to myself and shook my head with laughter.

“Hmm, nope!”

“Oh man, another womanizer.”

“Nah, probably the opposite.” Daniel just looked at me questioningly and I almost burst with laughter.

While I was still giggling, the two were talking about soccer, which didn't interest me at the moment. A little tipsy from the alcohol, I said goodbye to the two of them and went to bed.

I couldn't fall asleep right away, which is more the rule than the exception for me, since I'm basically quite a daydreamer, and then I start spinning stories that have nothing in common with reality.

I dreamt that I felt Sean's hand on my stomach, gently stroking the hairline just below my belly button, and I got goosebumps and Sean whispered something in my ear that I couldn't understand. Why couldn't I understand it, after all it was my brain that came up with it, wasn't it? Hmm, strange. I must have fallen asleep after all, and now I tried to wake up, which I then managed to do.

Still completely drowsy, I felt a real body behind me, entwining me and holding me tight with its arms. What was going on here? Now wide awake, I turned to this real person, to finally look into the two cutest eyes in this universe, Sean's. I was about to say something when he put his fingers on my mouth and told me to shut up. I just enjoyed what happened next, my first sex with another human. Damn, what a fuss I had made about it before: What if I was too clumsy? What if my dick was too small or too big for him? What if I was too thin or too fat for him? What if he wanted to do things to me that I wasn't ready for? What if a piece of frozen shit from an airplane hit us? Is it because I'm from northern Germany and therefore always worry so much, as we are often accused of? No idea, that night I must have switched to southern European and just let myself go. It was beautiful, I oriented myself to Sean, we laughed, we were just horny for each other, without a brain, everything switched off, we surrendered to our urges.

The next morning, or was it already noon? I had completely lost my sense of time. We picked up where we left off during the night, only this time we were decidedly slower, more tender, more overwhelming, the initial curiosity was satisfied – what followed was the free program. We blew each other in the “69” position and both came at the same time, which triggered an incredible feeling of togetherness in me. Yes, Sean and I were a couple! Everything else was insignificant, only we mattered, only we are important, our relationship!

How wrong I was at that time, I didn't know yet.

We spent the day at the Isar like two teenage lovers, which we were, more fiddling with each other than looking at the area, we went for a walk, always thinking about the fact that we would be separated for a week from tomorrow because of the training camp.

Sean slept in my room that night, too. My dad, who wanted to wake Sean that morning, found an empty room and ran straight to mine to give me the message. He opened my door, saw us cuddled up together, walked backwards out, not without saying his piece:

“Sean, when my son lets you go, I expect you at the breakfast table – the plane won't wait!” My door closed almost silently.

“And, son of my trainer, can you let go of me?”

“Never!”

“Hmm, then I'll get fired and you'll have to support me.”

“If you then do the housework?” I was still able to ward off the first pillow that was to hit me. ‘Former soccer star spotted taking out the trash.’ The second pillow then hit me squarely.

We fooled around at the table for quite a while until it was time: the FC Bayern pick-up service was at the door, I helped the two of them stow the bags and said goodbye to my dad, only to then kiss my new, and first, friend goodbye. Shit, that already hurt, even though he hadn't even left yet. I didn't want to! Not now! I needed Sean! Garbage! My brother, who was standing next to me with a knowing smile, then said:

“Well, did you and Sean finally work it out?”

“What? Um, yes, why?”

“Nothing, it took long enough.”

“Pardon?”

“You're just a bit ditzy sometimes, but otherwise quite okay.”

“Oh, thanks.” Is that supposed to be my brother? The super shy one I once knew? I no longer understood the world. Shit, my hormones or whatever else is responsible for this, were entering a dangerous phase. Please don't cry in front of my little brother! I turned away from him so that he couldn't see my tears and stomped back into the house, alone. Shit! What was I doing here alone? Without Sean?

Jordan
Film posters hung on the wall above a small bed. Pills lay scattered on the beer crate that served as a bedside table. Next to it was a terrarium illuminated by a red light. A small armchair was the only piece of furniture that was still new and unadorned. Everything else was covered with motto stickers, and it seemed as if they were holding the old cupboard and the shelf next to the window together rather than just decorating them. The room was only medium-sized, but despite the dark furniture and the sparse light, which came not only from the red light but also from a few candles standing on the floor next to the bed, it looked somehow inviting. In the middle of the room was a punching bag over which clothes were hanging to dry and there were dumbbells scattered everywhere, which could quickly become a tripping hazard for unwanted visitors. The parquet floor had black stripes, like in a gym. In the corner of the room where the closet was, there was a small TV. There were two doors, one to the hallway and one to a separate small bathroom.
At 3 o'clock in the morning, the only sounds coming from the apartment always came from there. A young man in a leather jacket and jeans was hanging over the toilet bowl (that was me) and the room was filled with the smell of alcohol and vomit. Someone rattled at the locked room door. After a while, I flushed the toilet. As soon as I unlocked the door to the room, I fell over and remained lying on the floor, twitching.
I found myself in the hospital again, for the second time this month. But this time it was really bad. I almost died. The paramedics had notified the police. A cop told me that a variety of “illegal substances” had been found in my room. My drug screening also showed a variety of active ingredients.
I celebrated my 19th birthday in a detoxification center. During the next few months, none of my friends were allowed to see me. And not my girlfriends either. Neither Conny, nor Sandy or Kicky and Nelly.
After 9 months, I was only addicted to tobacco and caffeine, which no one thought was a problem anymore. And so I returned to the room, but the bedside table was now made of real wood and the pills on it had disappeared. The room seemed brighter and healthier in other ways, too. The rickety shelf with the stickers had been replaced by a new one made of light-colored wood. The compartments were almost empty. No wonder, since the shelf had primarily served as storage space. Everything had been searched and the “illegal substances” removed. The room now seemed friendly, well-kept, healthy. Everything was going to be different.
There I was, sitting in a strange room that used to be mine. I felt as if I had been given a new body to go with it. No tremors, no headaches, I felt almost too good. I would go back to school the next week. New school, same level. The final year. Not an ideal time to make friends...
I wanted to show my mom that I had changed and make her proud for a change. So I went to school five days a week, came home right after, did homework, studied enough for the tests to get my D's, and stayed out of trouble. My old friends had soon forgotten me and my new classmates ostracized me, or I them. As a consolation, my mother, who had been barely 15 when she got pregnant and raised me alone, bought me a stereo that she could hardly have afforded from her secretary salary. So she introduced me to Klaus, her new boyfriend (and financier, as I added in my mind). He was a tax consultant at the law firm where she worked.
“Jordan, I hope you understand me. I've been alone long enough.”
I said I had always been there for her. She replied:
“You were never there, not really. You were always high and I was alone with you.”
A loud argument followed, doors slammed. Suddenly I was standing outside in the stairwell. My mother shouted after me:
“It's Saturday night. Go find yourself a girlfriend. There are plenty of pretty girls in your new class.”
I ran down the stairs and stood on the street. For a moment I wondered if I should visit my old friends just to spite my mother. But then I remembered that there was something like a class party today at the Zen Bar, my former favorite bar, now, with a new tenant, just as clean as I am. The perfect place for a fresh start with new people.
After two coffees in the local bar (the therapist had mentioned something about substitute drugs...), it was half past ten, actually still a bit early for the Zen Bar, but I suspected that my classmates would leave for home around noon at the latest.
So there I was, nervously standing at the entrance to my old local bar. I felt really stupid. The bouncer was still the same. At first he eyed me suspiciously, but then he waved me over to him, past the queue, which hadn't been that long before.
“Hey Jordan, listen: this is a clean place now. You know I like you, so you can come in, but nothing's for sale, got it? It's crawling with plainclothes cops anyway.”
I briefly considered telling him my tale of woe, but then just nodded and went inside.
Sean
The summer vacation before my last year of high school was really weird. My girlfriend at the time, Sara, had been with her grandparents in Boston for four weeks. After that, she came back and seemed even stranger to me than before. We had been together for almost three years, but more than half of that time I was thinking about the best way to break up with her. We just didn't have anything in common anymore. Nevertheless, we were always together and arguing. This was mainly because we happened to share the same circle of friends. I was almost glad when the vacation was over and I finally had something else to do besides deal with this constant drama. And I had decided to meet new people.
It was difficult when you've been in the same class as the same people for years. But fate was kind to me, because there was a new guy, Jordan. He was quite quiet, which didn't really suit him, because he looked more like someone who had been around a lot. The girls were always whispering about him. I had to admit that he was quite good-looking. But for the time being he didn't appear anywhere outside of school. My clique usually spent Friday and Saturday nights in the Zen Bar, which the uncle of a friend had leased and remodeled. So there we sat, I usually got drunk with Sara, that was the only thing we didn't fight about, and then I snuck upstairs to my room at home. If my father had found out about it, it would have ended very badly. He only let me go to a bar at all because he knew Susi's uncle. He had worked for him in the management of the company for 20 years. A large textile company that my father, according to him, had built up all by himself. Did the poorly paid assembly line workers see it that way too?
I, as the only son, already had a desk in the company. Assistant to the management. Future head of the company. Over my dead body. I hadn't worked my ass off at school just to go to a private business school and then make a career as a boss's son! I just didn't really know how to tell my parents and at the same time make sure that they would finance my medical studies.
I complained to everyone at a certain level of alcohol. Extremely embarrassing.
Jordan
The light was dim, but you could see everything well. In the past, there was only black light and a few neon signs so that you could also find the veins. The music style had also changed quite a bit. What used to be gothic and heavy metal was suddenly the charts. So, to the sounds of the latest Britney Spears song, I pushed my way in jeans and leather jacket between teenagers who almost freaked out at the first notes of the sticky-sweet ballad. Just as I was about to choose a cocktail from the “extra strong” category at the bar (vodka and scotch were no longer on the menu), I heard a familiar voice.
“A Virgin Colada, please.”
Susi, the class representative, a walking cliché. Daughter of a good family, riding champion, involved in all extracurricular activities, head girl and, of course, dating the captain of the swim team – an absolute Neanderthal who couldn't be far away. I changed my mind. I had to get out of there.
“Jason!”
“Jordan.”
“Yes, of course. Well, what are you doing here? I've never seen you in the Zen Bar!”
“No, I just wanted to stop by because there's a new tenant here.”
“Yes, my uncle. It used to be a kind of dive for junkies. But my uncle has cleaned it up. Won't you join us? A few people from class are still here.”
She took me by the arm and dragged me to a newly built sofa corner, where about ten curious pairs of eyes were directed at me. There actually sat the most visually appealing girls in my class. The only disturbing thing was that there were also three guys sitting there, all of whom had already made a good choice.
Willie, the most unpleasant of them all, was a real lout. He had hooked up with Tanja, who in my opinion always looked too uptight anyway. Sean, who was always sitting in the front row, but otherwise seemed to be okay, was apparently going out with the pretty Sara, and Alex and Susi were the ultimate dream couple anyway. They were always the prom king and queen, that's for sure. Well, there were still others to choose from.
“Hey guys, look who I found! So Jordan, just in case you're still having trouble with the names, these are Hannah, Lisa, Tanja, Willie, Sara, Sean, Linda, Mary and, of course, my Alex.”
And “her Alex” pulled her right onto his lap to make his ownership clear. So I preferred the other end of the couch and sat down next to Hannah, a pretty tall girl with dark curls and great lips, who I had already noticed. We talked for a while about school, teachers, math, sports... because it turned out that she boxed and about everything else we could think of. There were sometimes awkward pauses, but soon we had a superficial topic to chat about again. Just as I was about to play my repertoire of advances, Lisa interrupted us.
“It's a quarter to twelve! We have to go.”
And so the two of them said goodbye. Now I was suddenly sitting next to Tanja and Willie, who only had eyes for each other. So I decided to have another nightcap at the bar and then go home. I said goodbye politely to the two dream couples, who were still on the couch but didn't pay any attention to me.
At the bar, I witnessed a disaster.
Sara and Sean, apparently the black sheep of the group, were fairly tipsy and while trying to drink a toast, Sara's drink, which had apparently previously been given an alcoholic note from a flask, landed on Sean's trousers. This resulted in wild insults and then a panic attack. Bang came over and politely asked the two of them to leave.
I decided to follow the matter, as it seemed more amusing than a nightcap.
Outside the door, the blame game continued, along with pleas and entreaties.
“Sara, I can't go home like this! I'll just sleep on your couch!”
“How old is this guy, I thought to myself, that he's afraid of mommy because of a drink on his pants... .
“But I can't take you home smelling like that either. What would my parents think?”
“How about you stay at my place?”
For a brief moment, I wasn't sure if I had actually just said that.
“Would that really be okay? That would be great! I just have to call home quickly.”
“It's midnight. Do you really want to call then?”
“Yeah, yeah, it'll be fine. The maid will probably still pick up...”
The maid, of course. Sara couldn't wait to get out of there.
“Well, I'm going now. See you Monday!”
“Yeah, yeah, where's the nearest phone booth? Oh, over there. I'll be right back. Will you wait here?”
I watched Sean as he gesticulated wildly in the phone box and after a few minutes came back with an indifferent expression.
“Okay, which way?”
“This way, it's not far.”
“I really appreciate this. Otherwise I wouldn't have known where to go.”
“It's okay, no problem.
When we were standing in front of the apartment door, I gave final instructions.
“My mom's sleeping, so keep it down. You get the bed, I get the couch. My stuff is my stuff and you keep your hands off it, got it?”
I quietly turned the key and showed Sean the way through the living room to my room.
“You only have a two-seater couch. You can't sleep on that.”
“Oh, it's fine...”
“No, that's out of the question. Either I take the couch or we share the bed. It's big enough. Or is that uncomfortable for you?”
“No, I... what a bummer. All right, then we'll just share the bed.”
In my room, Sean started to undress. I hung his wet clothes over the punching bag and looked for clothes in my closet that he could wear the next day at home. When I came out of the bathroom, Sean was already under the covers. The sight of him made me laugh briefly.
“What?”
“Oh, nothing. I've just slept with a lot of people in this bed, but none of them looked at me with such anticipation as you just did.”
“Show-off!”
When I lay down, Sean realized that the bed wasn't as big as it looked. I offered again to go on the couch. But he didn't want to hear about it. Sean couldn't sleep for a long time and so we talked about all kinds of things.
His father owns a large textile factory, he has been with Sara for almost three years, he is top of his class....
He only talks about good things. But his voice sounds depressed and sometimes even sad. When he talks about his father's strict ban on alcohol and how rigorously he enforces it, it is clear to me why he could no longer go home. He says that he would like to study medicine, but that his father already sees him as his successor in the company. In the twilight, I think I see tears on his cheek. Sean turns around and I soon fall asleep.
I woke up shortly after noon. Sean was no longer in bed or in the bathroom. He was already gone. It was a strange night. A guy I barely knew had poured out his heart to me. That didn't happen to me often. Most of the time, people left me alone with their problems and I left them alone with theirs. But I couldn't hold that against Sean.
I went into the kitchen. My mother and her Klaus were already sitting at the lunch table.
“Well, did you have a visitor last night?”
“Oh, a friend couldn't go home, so I told him he could crash at my place.”
“Oh, a friend... that's okay. We thought...”
“Oh, please spare me that!”
Sean
A few weeks after school started, it was a normal Saturday evening at Zen, and Susi actually dragged this Jordan along. I was in the middle of a heated debate with Sara, I can't even remember what it was about. Jordan joined Hannah. If he didn't break his teeth there. At some point Sara and I did what we did best. We reconciled over a cocktail. Well, it ended up on my pants. During the subsequent quarrel, in which it was said that it was all Sara's fault and that she should kindly take me home, since I could hardly show up at my parents' house like that, we were even asked to leave the restaurant. Great. I could already see myself spending the night on some park bench. Sara probably didn't want to take me home just because she was running out of arguments for why she still didn't want to sleep with me after three years. If she had at least told me straight out what was going on, instead of constantly leading me on... but at the moment I had other concerns.
Just when Sara even refused to let me use her couch, this Jordan suddenly turned up and offered me a place to sleep. Perfect. Without thinking twice, I told my parents (I claimed that Willie had once again had one too many drinks and that I had to stay with him, which they readily believed given his history), and I set off with Jordan to his apartment. Luckily, it wasn't far away, because I was starting to feel the effects of how much I had drunk. Jordan didn't say much. He just warned me to keep my hands off his stuff and to be quiet. I was supposed to sleep in his bed, he wanted to take the couch. But it was only a two-seater sofa and I didn't even want to sleep yet, so I convinced him that we could share the bed. He made a comment about how many people he had slept with in this bed. Please, if his ego needed it. The bed wasn't that big, and Jordan offered again that if I felt uncomfortable, he could still take the couch. But I think he was the one who felt uncomfortable about it, but he didn't want to admit it.
It didn't take long for poor Jordan to hear my tale of woe. But he didn't react at all as I would have expected him to. He really listened for hours and looked at me sympathetically. At some point, I was embarrassedly moved to tears. I didn't know if he had noticed. I turned around and pretended to be asleep. I got up around eight, put on the pants that Jordan had laid out for me and stole out of the apartment, not without looking back again. It wasn't big and the furniture wasn't the newest either. You couldn't see any photos on the walls, I couldn't get a picture at all.
Jordan
On Monday at school, I was suddenly no longer the freaky outsider. Everyone had heard about my heroic deed after the Zen bar. And Sean did his best not to describe the apartment where he had spent the night. Everyone was suddenly interested in me and I was even invited to a private party the following weekend. The opportunity to talk to Sean alone to find out if he had actually cried wouldn't have arisen even if I had been so Samaritan as to inquire about his well-being. But for some reason, I couldn't stop thinking about it.
I spent the rest of the week catching up on school gossip. Who had kissed who and when, and who had broken up with who because of who? Susi knew everything about these things and was happy to share her knowledge.
Then came Friday evening, the day of the private party in a huge house with an endlessly long driveway and a foyer the size of our entire apartment. The party took place in the specially converted basement. Even the basement was bigger and better furnished than the apartment of an average citizen. Hannah was there too. During the week, I had often sought out a conversation with her. I really liked her. I was already picturing the night together. But then Susi told me that Hannah had a boyfriend who went to a different school. Personally, that wouldn't have bothered me, but unfortunately this mysterious friend had announced his arrival for that evening. It was clear to me that I would have to scrap my plans, at least for that evening.
Therefore, from about eleven o'clock, my attention was mainly focused on the fruit punch. And Sean was also on the verge of needing a place to stay for the night. He talked like a waterfall when he didn't have Sara's tongue stuck in his throat.
Occasionally, I wondered which of my dear comrades might live in this mansion. Susi was acting like a real hostess, but did that mean anything?
By half past one, the party cellar had emptied and only five people remained:
Hannah and the big stranger were canoodling in a corner of the couch, Sean and Sara were canoodling on the pool table, and I was on the floor with a bottle of Martini.
Something suddenly tugged at my shoulder. I tried to shake it off, but it was more persistent than a bee at a strawberry cake.
“Hey man, wake up. It's freezing here. Come on, wake up...”
“Huh, what?”
When I opened my eyes, Sean's face was close to mine. So close that I recoiled in fright and spilled the good martini over the floor.
“Come on. I carried Sara to my sisters' room and Hannah and Steven snuck into my parents' bed. You get the couch in the living room, if it's still available. I can't drag anyone else up to the first floor.”
“What? Wait, okay? This is your house? Wow, ... this is fancy. I guess I'll put the silverware back where I found it.”
“Oh yes, you better do that. Otherwise you'll have to spend the night in the doghouse. Now come on. Can you stand up?”
Somehow my feet were as heavy as lead and the room just didn't want to stop spinning. Sean dragged me up the stairs to the living room, where we found that the couch was already occupied by a guy neither of us knew. So poor Sean had to take me up one more floor to his bedroom. His bed was significantly bigger than mine. I jumped right in and secured the side by the door. He seemed amused, undressed and got a sleep shirt out of the closet.
“So, I guess this would be our second night together.”
“Well, consider yourself honored, it's not that often that I spend the night with the same person twice.”
“Show-off!”
Sean smiled at me, climbed into bed and pulled the blanket out from under me with a jerk.
“I had imagined the night differently. I thought today would finally be the day. Sara and I, we actually wanted to... today.”
“What, you've never slept together? I thought you've been together forever?”
“Yeah, well... but somehow Sara always finds a good reason to wait a little longer. Or she just falls asleep on the pool table, like tonight. Don't grin like that, I'm slowly not finding it funny anymore.”
“I'm sorry. But to be honest, I had other plans for tonight, too. Then this guy showed up... Steven?”
“You don't mean with Hannah? She's... out of reach. Steven treats her like a piece of dirt, and yet she's been after him for almost a year. No one else has a chance with her, and certainly not a freak like you.”
He grinned broadly.
“What did you just call me?”
“Freak!”
“Just you wait, you won't say that again!”
“Freak, freak, freak, f... .”
I took a pillow and hit Sean over the head with it. He pounced on me and we rolled to the other side of the bed. My T-shirt had slipped and revealed the sun tattoo on my shoulder.
“Wow, you have a tattoo? Cool!”
“I've got more... .”
“Really? Where?”
“Well, that's the freak's secret.”
“Oh well, I'll just have to find out for myself then.”
In the next second, Sean had already torn my shirt off and discovered my second tattoo around my belly button.
“Man, you really like suns, huh?”
“Yes, but don't ask me why. It started when I was a little kid. By the way, I have a third one on my backside.”
I saw Sean pondering for a split second whether this was an offer. He quickly came up with another topic of conversation.
“Hey, the gang is meeting again tonight at the Zen Bar. You're coming, right?”
“Yeah, sure, if I'm allowed. I get the feeling some of you can't stand me.”
I took off my jeans and dropped them on the floor next to the bed.
“Oh, nonsense! It's just weird because we've all known each other forever. You just came into the class. You have to give them some time to get used to you. God, I couldn't imagine being the new kid. I mean, that must be hard. Say, I don't even know where you're from. You know so much about me, tell me something about you!”
Sean looked at me expectantly. For a brief moment, I wondered whether I should feign sleep. Sean would not be so easily shaken off. But I couldn't just tell him that I was a heroin addict, exactly the kind that the gang constantly blasphemed about, and that I had spent the last nine months in a detox clinic. And so I told him something about a small town 50 km north, where I went to school until my mom got another job here, blablabla. I could see how Sean imagined an ideal world that could exist parallel to his.
I blamed myself for not telling him the truth. I thought he was really nice. We talked about everything for a long time.
Sean had had his first time with a maid who was fired as a result. He was the only son of the house. His two sisters had studied law and were lawyers. Last December, he became an uncle. Sean was supposed to take over the textile company one day and his father wanted to run for mayor. Sean's father was never satisfied with his son's performance. For threes, there were sometimes even beatings. Sean didn't mind that much, his report card was almost all A's anyway. Only music wasn't his strong suit. In the fall he would go to a private university here and study business. His life was already totally planned out. His parents had even made wedding plans for him and Sara. “The social event of the year.”
This time I saw clearly how the tears welled up in his eyes.
“I like Sara, but we're still so damn young. What's the point of this shit? And I want to study medicine, not run a textile company! But my parents don't want to understand that.”
It really hurt me to see him cry. He was such a nice guy, smart and ambitious, I admired that. I took him in my arms and hugged him. I wanted to tell him everything about myself. It was terrible that he opened his heart to me and I had just lied to him about my past. I held him tight and wanted to comfort and protect him. I wanted to kiss him.
When I realized this thought, I quickly let Sean go again. He looked at me with glassy eyes, distraught.
“Sorry.”
I didn't know what I was apologizing for myself, but apparently he knew.
“It's okay, I'm the one who should apologize. I'm blubbering all over you again. I'm sorry. Can you just hold me again?”
He looked so fragile. I put my arm around his neck again and pulled him to me. His hair smelled so good. I was aware that I was drunk, just like he was. And one of my few principles is not to make any momentous decisions when I'm drunk. But I sensed that such a decision was about to be made right now. Sean raised his head and looked at me with his tear-stained eyes. I made the decision to kiss him and could hardly believe it myself. Slowly, I pushed my face close to his. I tilted my head and was fully expecting to be slapped in the face. Instead, I felt his lips on mine. They were soft and tasted of fruit punch. I felt his tongue searching for mine. He had discovered my tongue piercing and seemed to like it.
I kissed his whole face, which tasted salty from tears.
Sean leaned back against his pillow and pulled me close.
I felt my shorts tighten and pulled his T-shirt over his head. His skin was soft and fair. Fine blonde hairs were spread across his chest.
I kissed every square inch of his neck and slid my hand into his pants. He let out a short moan. His fingers dug into my back and then traveled lower until they pushed my shorts down. I did the same to him and then we lay completely naked on top of each other. Sean pressed himself tightly against me. I couldn't stop kissing his neck. He tasted of salt and sweet cologne.
Tears were still running down his cheeks, but his face no longer looked sad. Sean was beautiful. I felt as if I was really seeing a person for the first time in my life. Soon I felt him tremble beneath me. He broke out in goose bumps all over and buried his face in my neck when he came. A warm jet spilled over my thigh. I was overcome with the same intense feeling as with the first shot after a long time.
After that, I stayed on top of him for a while.
“God, that was...”
I looked for his eyes, but he just looked away. He looked sad again. I lay down on my side of the bed. There was a silence that seemed like an eternity to me.
Sean
On Monday, Sara had already spread the word that I could have information about Jordan. I disappointed the clique when I claimed that I could hardly remember anything. Anyway, Jordan was the big hero and from then on he was always there. Susi talked his ear off with some soap opera stories about our fellow students. I would have liked to talk to Jordan in peace, because by now I was pretty sure that he had noticed my crying fit. Sometimes he watched me almost worriedly, or was I just imagining it? Anyway, my parents were away for the weekend, so I threw one of my infamous basement parties. Jordan showed up too. And Sara had told me that today was the day. Today she wanted to do it. I couldn't wait for the people to finally leave and bridged the time with punch. Sara seemed to be really serious about it, we made out intensely all evening. In the end, only the people who wanted to stay overnight and Jordan, asleep on the floor with a bottle of Martini in her arms, remained. Hannah and her strange Steven eventually retreated to a bedroom. Sara and I were now half lying on the pool table. She was getting calmer and calmer. I couldn't believe it myself, but she had fallen asleep. That was typical. I was really getting sick of it. I carried her to my sister's room. If she thought I was going to lie down with her and hope she'd wake up, she was mistaken. In the end, I'd probably have to watch her throw up, no thanks. I decided to sleep in my own room. Then I remembered Jordan.
He was sleeping peacefully on the basement floor. For a moment, it seemed too peaceful to me, and I checked his breathing. At that moment, he opened his eyes wide and recoiled. I told him that it was too cold to sleep down here, but he didn't move an inch. He didn't even know that I lived here. It came down to me dragging him up to the first floor and putting him in my bed. He slowly came to. He lay down across the bed and said that I should feel honored that he was spending another night with me, because it wasn't that often. I pulled the blanket he had spread out on top of and crawled under it. I also told him that I had rather imagined Sara in my bed tonight. He was really shocked that we hadn't slept together yet, and when I mentioned that she had fallen asleep on the pool table, he couldn't stop laughing. He apologized and said he had other plans for the evening, with Hannah. I said he didn't stand a chance with her. Steven treated her really badly and yet she was totally infatuated with the guy. Besides, I added that she wasn't into freaks like him. Of course, he couldn't let that lie. He immediately hit me with a pillow. I overpowered him and took the pillow from him. I saw a tattoo on his shoulder. An old-fashioned sun. He said he had others. I almost felt like I was being controlled remotely when I took off his T-shirt. I found another sun around his belly button. He said he had always liked sun motifs. With a grin, he told me he had another one on his butt, as if he wanted me to check it out. From that moment on, I was sure that he was into boys. I just didn't know how I felt about it. I started talking about nothing in particular. And then I asked him where he actually came from and stuff like that. The story was the usual one. Mom gets a new job, he comes with her and now he's here. After that, we talked and talked. I told him about my father's political ambitions, about my niece, even about my first time and about the slaps my father gave me when I came home with a C. Of course, we ended up talking about Sara again. I told him that my parents were even talking about getting married and were already going through the guest list in their minds. I noticed that I was getting tears in my eyes and explained to him that I liked Sara, but that it couldn't be everything. And the company! I still wanted to study medicine. Jordan took me in his arms. I felt so safe with him. I stopped thinking. He suddenly let me go and apologized. He wanted more, I could tell. I told him that if it had to be, then I would have to apologize because I was constantly whining to him, and then I asked him to just hold me again. He pulled me close to him again. It wasn't long before he kissed me. I kissed him back. The tears just wouldn't stop. I liked the way he kissed, like he had nothing to hide. He had a tongue piercing. I leaned back and pulled him on top of me. I was ready for anything and Jordan seemed to know what he was doing. He took off my T-shirt and kissed my stomach, then worked his way back up to my neck. Slowly, he slid his hand into my pants. I took off his shorts and he took off mine. We lay completely naked on top of each other, as close as we could get. I looked Jordan firmly in the eye. He was so beautiful and his face suddenly seemed so familiar to me. He looked at me as if he could see right into my head. It was as if our souls suddenly recognized each other. At that moment, I loved him, no matter how little I actually knew him. When it was over, my euphoria evaporated. I only saw what someone who happened to come into the room would see. Two men, naked on top of each other. Jordan said something, looked for my eyes, but I couldn't. I was overcome with panic. What had just happened to me? We lay in bed together for a while. I couldn't say anything, I tried to organize my thoughts until I couldn't stand it anymore.
Jordan
Then Sean put his shorts and T-shirt back on and apologized without looking at me. I got dressed as well. Just as I was about to say that there was nothing for him to apologize for, the bedroom door flew open. Sara was standing in the doorway, completely distraught.
“Come quickly! Steven hit Hannah! She's bleeding quite badly.”
When we entered the master bedroom, Hannah was indeed bleeding quite badly from a wound on her head.
“I fell, with my head on the closet, terribly awkwardly...”
“Where is the bastard?”
“He knocked on my door and drove away.”
“Oh dear, I'm afraid you'll need stitches. Come on, we'll drive you to the hospital.”
Sean got a towel and pressed it against Hannah's wound. I thought to myself that he would make a really good doctor. We spent the rest of the night in the emergency room. Hannah had to be stitched up with four stitches. I had seen worse during my time as a junkie. Of course this Steven was a wanker and all that. But it was nothing new for me that women were beaten up. Even my mother had a guy who beat her for a while. Once I even had to call the ambulance because she didn't wake up anymore. I was eight at the time. Sara seemed quite upset by the whole thing. Sean comforted her and held her. When he kissed her, I felt, to my own amazement, jealousy rising in me. All the time he didn't say a single word to me and he also avoided my eyes. It's not normally my nature to get so worked up about something, but this time it was different. Something had happened between us that went beyond the physical.
We were able to leave around eight. Sean announced that they would drop me off at home and that the girls should come with him for the time being. His parents wouldn't be back until Sunday. He didn't even say goodbye to me.
At home, I tried in vain to get some sleep. How would it go on? Would we avoid each other from now on? Should I go to the Zen Bar in the evening, or wouldn't there be anyone there anyway after what happened with Hannah? I decided that I should give Sean time. I wouldn't do anything more today.
Sean
Shortly afterwards, Sara suddenly stood in the doorway and said that Hannah was bleeding. From then on, I just went through the motions. Stop the bleeding, emergency room, comfort Sara, wait, wait, wait. I couldn't deal with what Jordan was probably thinking. We were able to leave around eight, I dropped Jordan off at home and drove back to my place with the girls. Hannah lay down on the couch for a while, Sara and I had breakfast. I drove the two home in the early afternoon. When I came back, I went to my room to maybe get some sleep. Of course, my bed still looked exactly as Jordan and I had left it. I lay down and couldn't think of anything but him.
Jordan
I didn't do anything on Sunday either. I didn't know exactly when Sean's parents would be back and I didn't want to risk running into them. I had time to think about the whole thing. After all, it was my first time with a man. Okay, I had kissed a boy before. But only out of curiosity. I was 14 at the time. It was nothing like this. What did that mean now? Was I gay now? I didn't really have a general interest in men. Just in Sean. And what about him? Did he already have experience in the field? Then he would hardly have been so scared afterwards. Did he even have an interest in me, or had I imagined something and was just in the right place at the right time? I didn't dare to think about it. My need for drugs was greater than it had been in months.
Sean
I hardly left my room for the rest of the weekend. I oscillated between absolute feelings of happiness and abysmal self-loathing. I couldn't get involved with him. I couldn't do that to my parents and Sara. I knew that if I didn't put an end to it right now, I never would. I had always sworn to myself that I would never let the nightmares I had come true, but now it had happened after all. And what was even worse, I had not only gotten involved with a guy on a physical level, but I had feelings for him. I tried to push all that aside and read or occupy myself in some other way.
On Sunday, my parents came back, but I couldn't face them. I really feared they would see what had happened to me. So I claimed to have the flu and stayed in bed. I couldn't think of anything but finally seeing Jordan again, but I couldn't allow myself that.
Jordan
On Monday, I felt really sick. Even my mom thought I should stay home. But of course I couldn't do that. I didn't want Sean to think I was avoiding him. So I dragged myself to school, only to find that Sean had called in sick. To my surprise, Hannah was there. She got right to the point with her direct manner.
“You look awful.”
“Yes, thanks, I know.”
“Are you taking an exam or something today?”
“Not that I know of... why?”
“Why else would you drag yourself to school?”
“I could ask you the same question.”
“My parents just pester me with questions at home anyway.”
“Rightly so, don't you think? You should dump the guy.”
“Yeah, I know. You're right. Will you come with me on Wednesday to get the stitches out?”
“Is that a date?”
“I think you've already got your eye on someone else.”
“What, how...? What makes you think that?”
“Oh come on, the way you and Sean were acting, it was obvious!”
“What?! Yes, but... no!”
“I'm just wondering why she thinks she has to keep it a secret from me. I'm her best friend, after all.”
“What? Who are you talking about?”
“Well, Sara. Something must have happened between you two. And Sean found out about it, that's why he was so strange to you on Saturday, right?”
“Oh dear, you're barking up the wrong tree. And to prove it to you, I'll accompany you on Wednesday for a 'stitch removal date'.”
“All right. That convinces me. See you!”
I had just set up a date with the unattainable Hannah. But still, I could only think of Sean. I had to talk to him. That was the idea! I could bring him the homework.
So in the afternoon I was standing in front of the huge front door again and rang the bell. A maid opened the door for me and let me go up to Sean's room. I knocked and he called me in.
“Hey, I... I wanted to talk to you, how are you?”
“What? What are you doing here? What if my parents ask me what you wanted here?”
“Well, I brought you the homework, here...”
“Sara already faxed it to me and Hannah is bringing me chemistry later.”
“Oh, okay. Actually, I'm also here to talk to you... about Friday night.”
There was a knock at the door again, the maid wanted to know if we wanted tea or something similar.
“No, damn it. I want to be left alone and that's it. Is that so hard to understand?”
The young woman crept back out, apologizing. And I had the feeling that this outburst was directed more at me than at her.
“Sorry, I shouldn't have come here. Maybe I'll see you at school tomorrow. You know, this whole thing isn't easy for me either.”
Without waiting for an answer, I left the room and shortly thereafter the house.
Neither on Tuesday nor on Wednesday did Sean come to school. I became more and more desperate. I would have liked to have given myself a drug. I thought about maybe going to a therapy group again that evening, but first I had a “thread-pulling” date with Hannah. I picked her up at home and we went to her GP. It didn't take long for her to come clean.
“You look like shit.”
“Thank you. But you're right.”
“I think I've got it now.”
“What?”
“Well, what or who is bothering you.”
“Really? Let's hear it.”
“On Monday we just barely missed each other at Sean's. I saw you leaving. You were pretty shaken up, didn't even hear me call. He didn't look any better either. I think he had been crying. So, aren't you finally going to tell me what's going on? Sean is a good friend. I don't want him to be unhappy. And I don't want you to be unhappy either.”
She stopped and put her hand on my cheek. I couldn't look at her.
“If I kissed you now, you'd wish I was Sean, right?”
She had found out. There was no point in lying to her.
“Please don't tell anyone. It wasn't planned. Sean and I had something on Friday. He's been ignoring me ever since.”
She paused briefly, then:
“Oh man, Sean must really like you.”
“Yeah, right, that's why he's treating me like this. I could have figured that out on my own...”
“No, seriously. Don't you understand? He constantly blames himself for not being the perfect son his father would like to have. And to avoid making things even worse, he wants to shield himself from you. If it had been just a one-time thing, he would have told you and wouldn't have worried. But now you're a danger... you have to talk to him. Don't let him brush you off. You're both miserable... and he doesn't just live for his father... oh, here we are, I'm scared.”
Sean
On Monday I didn't go to school. Sara faxed me the homework, she didn't want to get infected. Hannah had announced that she would bring me chemistry. When the bell rang in the afternoon, I expected her. Loraine, the maid, opened the door and shortly after, there was a knock on my room door. Jordan came in. I was totally shocked. Panic rose in me, both my parents were at home. He said he wanted to talk, sure, I wanted to talk too, but before I could tell him that, there was another knock at the door and Loraine asked if she should bring us something to drink. It was the tenth time today that she had asked me if I wanted tea. That was just too much. I shouted at her, louder than I actually wanted to, that I just wanted to be left alone, if that was so hard to understand. She left immediately, and Jordan looked at me very strangely. He obviously thought the outburst was directed at him, maybe it was, I didn't know myself. He apologized and said that it wasn't easy for him either. Then he had disappeared again. I wanted to call out to him, but what if my parents heard it? I pulled the blanket over my head and cried with anger at myself. Shortly thereafter, the doorbell rang again. I actually hoped that he had perhaps come back, but I pulled myself together. There was a knock at the door and Hannah came in.
She asked me how I was doing and immediately saw that something was wrong. I blamed it on the flu and she didn't press the issue.
Jordan
Hannah convinced me that the Zen Bar was the best place to “separate Sean from the flock,” as she put it, to talk to him.
So I decided to go there on Friday evening, although I myself didn't know exactly what I wanted to say to him. After all, I wasn't gay or anything...
At the entrance, there was a different, unknown two-meter man this time. The queue was already quite long, although it wasn't even ten o'clock. The three couples were already sitting in the couch corner. Hannah was nowhere to be seen. I was already preparing myself for an exciting evening in which I would not be able to talk to Sean alone. He only had eyes for Sara. The others could at least manage a “Hi!” before turning back to their loved ones. Sean ignored me completely and kissed Sara passionately.
I slowly wondered what I was doing here. I decided to retreat to the bar. After I had half-emptied my Zombie, I felt a hand on my shoulder.
“So, you here alone tonight to get drunk? You're not here on business, are you? Because if you are, we have a problem.”
“Bang! No, I've been clean for months. I'm graduating soon. I haven't seen the old gang in ages. To be honest, we didn't part on good terms. I gave the cops a few names of suppliers. Of course, they then cut off the supply.”
“It's good to hear that you're doing better. I was really worried about you at the end. I thought you were done for when you stopped showing up. Well, I have to get out of here now. Have fun with your drink.”
I sat at the bar for a while, sipping my cocktail. Every attempt to make eye contact with Sean failed. It was just eleven. It was a bit early to go home, so I took one last desperate look in the direction of the couch. Sean was engrossed in a conversation with Sara and made no move to end it anytime soon. So I got up and made my way towards the exit. An endlessly long line of people waited to be finally let in. Nothing but mini-business people with their Barbie-style accessories. This bar may not have been completely legitimate in the past, but at least the people there had style. I realized that I just didn't belong there anymore.
At the back of the line was Hannah. She had a black eye.
“You look like shit this time. Are you still putting up with this guy, then? I've had enough of the games, I'm leaving. This bar has seen me for the last time. And Sean too.”
“Wait, you have to talk to him!”
Hannah held me by the arm, but I pulled away a little roughly.
“Man, Jordan!”
“Are we having problems here?”
Bang had apparently been watching us from the doorway. When he saw Hannah's black eye, he knew what to do.
“You junkies never change, I should have known. I'm banning you from the bar. And if I see you here again, I'll call the cops and have them search your place thoroughly. So, kid, go on inside, it's okay.”
“Man Bang! Oh, think what you want, you won't see me here anymore, count on it!”
Bang disappeared with Hannah behind the door.
So there I was again. Alone and branded as a good-for-nothing junkie and thug. What difference did the truth make? At least now I could be myself again.
Sean
I had made the decision to ignore Jordan and instead focus on Sara. At school, that might work to some extent, but on Friday night at Zen, I really had to pull myself together. I saw that Jordan wanted to talk to me, but I was afraid of it. He kept trying to make eye contact, but I wouldn't let him. Eventually, he retreated to the bar. I considered going to him, but I knew it wouldn't end well. Eventually he disappeared. After a few minutes, Hannah arrived with a black eye and said something about Jordan having a fight with the bouncer outside. I just saw him leave and ran after him. He looked pretty loaded. I knew that I could either talk to him now or write him off forever.
Jordan
“Jordan, can we talk, please?”
Sean came running up to me. He looked like a walking snob cliché in his polo shirt and with his hair gelled back.
“Hang on, Jordan. Hannah said you had a problem with the bouncer? What…?”
“Oh, that's why you came out? Sure, what else would we have to talk about?”
“No, of course we have to talk about that, too.”
“Save it. I already know what you're going to say. That you're sorry, you didn't mean to do it. You were drunk and disappointed because Sara wouldn't let you touch her. It'll never happen again. Let's stay friends. But I don't give a damn about that! I was drunk, too, but I wanted it to happen. I felt something then, and I know you did too! Just be honest! You want to play the perfect son, but you're just fooling yourself. You can't deny yourself! Stop pretending!”
“Jordan, it's not...”
“No, don't bother. I'm dropping out of school. It's not for me anyway. You'll never have to see me again and you can conveniently forget that there was ever something between us. Goodbye!”
I had to turn around quickly, otherwise he would have seen the tears well up in my eyes. I sprinted across the street and thought I couldn't breathe. My heart was pounding in my ears. Then I heard Sean's voice approaching.
“Jordan, you idiot! Wait!”
I stopped and turned around.
“Jordan, let me say something for a change! You're right about everything you said about me. I was such an idiot. Jordan, I really like you. But I still need a little time, okay? Please don't run away. Let's see where it all leads, okay? Give me another chance!”
That's exactly what I wanted to hear. I couldn't say another word and fell into his arms.
“That's nice, Jordan! Do you have a new girlfriend?!”
The voice behind me was all too familiar.
“Mex, how are you?”
When I turned around, I saw that practically all of my old clique was standing there. All of them dressed in dark clothes, studded and leather jackets. For the first time, I realized how daunting it was to stand in front of such a group and not belong to it. Conny came up to me and greeted me with the usual French kiss. The others didn't seem as annoyed as I had thought either. They all hugged me and said we should do something together again. Business was going well.
“We want to get the Zen Bar back. Are you with us or are you one of them now?”
“You'd better not do that. It's teeming with civilians. The new tenant is doing everything he can to keep the club clean.”
“So you're chickening out again, huh? Nothing will happen to you. The cops are your friends, aren't they?”
“Do whatever you want. But don't say I didn't warn you.”
“He probably just wants to defend his territory. He sells there and doesn't want to share!”
Conny was the last person I would have expected to stab me in the back.
“No, I'm out of here. But please, go ahead. You won't even get past the bouncer.”
“At Bang? Well, we'll see about that. Come on, guys!”
The clique moved on to the other side of the street.
“How do you know guys like that?”
“It's a long story. Listen, I have to go with you. Can we talk more tomorrow?”
“Why do you have to go with them? Stay out of it. It'll only cause trouble. Susi's uncle doesn't take any nonsense. Come on, we're leaving.”
“No, I can't do that. I still have some explaining to do with them. I can't just blow their cover. So go now. I don't want you to get involved.”
“No, I'm not leaving you alone with them. Wait, I'll come with you.”
“Hey Jordan, would you explain to your people that they have to find another hangout. The customer base has changed and you wouldn't find any takers anyway. Tell them. After all, you've been spying on us for them in the last few weeks. I didn't think you'd screw me over like that.”
The bouncer was visibly annoyed.
“Okay guys, let's just go somewhere else. We're not going to make any money here. Come on!”
But Mex and the others were not to be reasoned with. I noticed a guy around thirty who was watching the whole thing too closely. A plainclothesman.
“There's going to be trouble soon. So you better leave now.”
Bang had probably also noticed the cop. At that same moment, cops in civilian clothes jumped on us from all sides like in an action movie, with drawn batons. All of us, except for Sean, whom Bang saved with a “he's okay,” for which I was eternally grateful to him, were handcuffed and searched. And the cops found what they were looking for. I could see in the eyes of the officer who searched me how disappointed he was not to find anything on me, even after the second search. He had to let me go.
My first thought was of Sean. What he must think of me! I went back to the entrance, where Bang was talking to Sean. Snippets of the conversation were enough to understand that the bouncer was just telling him about my glorious past.
“Let me explain. I... .”
“Save it! I'm not supposed to deny myself and what are you doing?! You lie to me about an idyllic place and use me and my friends to spy on the Zen bar. Leave me alone!”
Sean ran inside. When I went after him, Bang held me back.
“You're banned from the bar, remember? This is a clean club.”
“Bang! I'm clean. The cops searched me and found nothing. Otherwise I wouldn't be here! And it wasn't me who gave Hannah that shiner, it was her great boyfriend.”
“Yes, she told me that too...
“You see! Bang, I didn't spy on the club. I just happened to end up here again. Susi is in my class! Please, I don't know what you told Sean, but I have to go to him and tell him the truth. The whole truth. Without embellishment, but also without false accusations, please, let me in! Please!”
I realized that tears were running down my cheeks. We had just about fixed things, and now this.
“Please, Bang, you don't understand! Please let me in!”
“I can't do that. And besides, why does it matter so much to you what that snob thinks of you? You're acting like you're fighting with your girlfriend.”
Bang only had to look at my shocked, caught face and he understood everything.
“You... damn it, Jordan... Have you two...?”
“Please, Bang, don't say it. Yes, but nobody knows about it, everything is still so new and fragile. Please, I have to explain it to him...”
This honesty was well received.
“All right, ... but no funny business!”
Sean was sitting with the gang on the couch again and Sara was hanging on him. Judging by their looks, he had told them what had happened.
“Sean, just let me explain!”
Willie and Alex stood in front of me. Susi's voice boomed in my direction.
“I knew you were crazy, but I didn't think you'd do something like this.”
“Sean, please, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lied to you, but I was ashamed. I didn't know that the old gang would show up here, and I certainly didn't spy on them. That's the truth! Please, Sean, you have to believe me!”
He stood up, came over to me and stopped about a meter away from me, so as not to look suspicious in front of his friends.
“Why didn't you just tell me the truth right away? We would have been spared a lot.”
“I wanted to. But I couldn't.”
I lowered my voice.
“I couldn't tell you for the same reason that you don't kiss me here in front of everyone, even though you want to. Out of shame and because I knew that you would judge me for it. What wouldn't we have been spared in the future if you had just kissed me now?”
“But I can't... .”
“Yes, I know. Try to understand. But I want to tell you everything, preferably right now. Please, we could go to my place and I'll tell you every detail...”
“But what about the others? We can't do that now. I'll come to your place tomorrow, okay? I have to take Sara home.”
Sara tugged at his sleeve.
“But I'll come to you tomorrow, won't I?”
Hannah came over.
“Jordan, could you maybe take me home? I don't know if Steven is waiting somewhere...”
“Sure, of course. Come on.”
On the way out, Hannah addressed the bouncer.
“He's one of the good guys, Bang, really.”
“I hope so. Take good care of him, little one. A broken heart has already plunged many men into the abyss.”
For a moment, a bear paw was on my shoulder.
“Good night, Bang, and thanks for everything.”
“And?”
“What?”
“Well, you talked to Sean. What happens now?”
“I don't know. You were right, I mean something to him. But I don't know how this is going to continue. I wasn't prepared for something like this. I've only known you all for a few weeks. And my therapist recommends that I only enter into a relationship when I've been clean for a year.”
“So it's true?”
“What?”
“Don't play stupid with me! You were addicted...
“No, I'm addicted and I'll probably stay that way. Do you know how many times I wanted to stick a needle in the last two weeks? I've lost count. This is just really bad timing...”
“Are you backing out now?”
“From what? Actually, not much has happened yet.”
“You know that's not true. You're just getting cold feet, that's normal.”
“Yeah, Ms. Relationship Advisor, you obviously know what's what, huh?”
“Now don't get mean. I know something has to change for me, it's just not that easy.”
“I know, I'm sorry. Maybe you should talk to my mom. She had the same problem as you once... Uh-oh, that looks like trouble.”
Stevens car was parked in front of Hannah's house, so he couldn't be far.
“Well, as long as he hasn't seen us, we have two options. Either I get him and he gets back everything he did to you, double and triple, or we get the fuck out of here and you sleep at my place tonight.”
“To be honest, I've had enough excitement tonight. If it's not too much trouble for you, I'd rather stay with you...”
Like two weeks earlier with Sean, I snuck into my room with Hannah. We made it clear that we would share the bed. As soon as we lay down, she was already fast asleep.
She couldn't be woken up until noon. Of course, Mom and Klaus were sitting at the lunch table grinning at me.
“Well, do you have a visitor? Just another friend again?”
“No, this time it's a girlfriend. But not my girlfriend. Mom, you know what happened with Robert back then? Hannah has a guy like that too. Maybe you could talk to her about it? Last week we even had to take her to the emergency room...
“My God, the poor thing! Of course I'll talk to her. I also have numbers of counseling centers and, of course, she can stay here as long as she wants.”
Klaus disappeared at some point and the two women talked for at least two hours in the kitchen. Then the doorbell rang and Sean was there. I hadn't even expected him yet. He would have liked to have disappeared into my room immediately, but I insisted on introducing him to my mom.
“Mom, this is Sean. The friend who stayed here the other day.”
Sean was, of course, amazed to see Hannah sitting in our kitchen. He introduced himself to my mom, well-mannered as he was. But you could tell that he didn't feel comfortable.
“Mom, I want to tell them both everything about my time with drugs today. And I want you to hear it, too. You already know most of it, but not everything.”
That was certainly a surprise, but the three of them sat down at the table, my mom on my left and Sean on my right.
I started talking, first about the things everyone could guess at. My first joint at 12, the first time I did coke, and so on. Mom wanted to know where I got all the money for the drugs. So I had to openly admit that I had also sold drugs. I also told each of them about the three burglaries at electronics stores in which I had been involved. I talked about the regular binges in the Zen bar, about the girls who clung to me because they got cheaper stuff that way, and about the drug-related death of a friend. I also talked about all the lies I had told my mom and about the one slap in the face I gave her when I was 16. Hannah swallowed noticeably. Of course that hit her. Finally, I told her about the various rehab stays and how I got there. I had saved the hardest part for last. The shot that almost went gold. The shot that landed me my last stay in the clinic. My lowest point so far.
“It really was like a movie. I saw the most important moments of my life flash before me. I also saw all the things I would miss out on. Making a living as a musician, finding the one person for me, having children of my own, discovering the world. All that kind of stuff. I was at the crucial fork in the road and had to choose between dying from the drug or living without it. And even though such a life meant the agony of a long withdrawal for me, I decided for it. I kept seeing a face in front of my eyes. I can't even remember what it looked like. What was crucial was the feeling I felt when I saw it. There was someone out there whose happiness depended entirely on my survival, and I couldn't let that person down. When I came to in the hospital, I was more afraid than I had ever been before. The most agonizing months of my life began and more than once I wanted to end it all.”
My gaze fell on a barely visible scar on my forearm.
Sean put his hand on mine and looked me firmly in the eye.
“I'm glad you didn't.”
Tears were in his eyes and in the eyes of the women as well. As if he had only just remembered their presence, Sean quickly withdrew his hand and leaned back in his chair. My mother could no longer hold back her tears and gave me a stormy embrace.
“Me too, I'm glad you didn't. Otherwise your little sister would never have met you.”
“My little sister? Mom, are you pregnant?”
“Yes. We wanted to tell you a long time ago, but lately you've been so unhappy and we didn't want the news to upset you.”
“No, why, that's... fantastic!”
My mom actually served homemade cake (I wasn't used to so much domesticity from her, Klaus had his advantages too) and sparkling wine. We celebrated the great news the rest of the afternoon. Hannah left around four. I noticed that she avoided my gaze. She also refused when I wanted to take her home. At least she let Sean accompany her.
My mom and I were left alone in the kitchen.
“I really look forward to the baby, I wasn't just saying that, Mom.”
“I know, Jordan.”
When my mom calls me by my first name, something is wrong.
“What's the matter, Mom? Is it because of what I said? Look, that's all over...
“Of course, I know that.”
“What is it then?”
“Your new friends are really very nice, Jordan.”
“Yes, and?”
“You haven't always treated your partners well in the past, but those girls didn't expect anything different from you. But these two deserve better, Jordan. You can't get involved in something that you'll end after two weeks.”
“Mom, what are you talking about?”
“Hannah probably has a crush on you because you were her great savior. I don't think she has serious hopes for you.”
“No, I don't think so either. What are you getting at?”
“I'm not sure how much I can say without scaring you away, and I don't know how much you might already suspect, honey.”
Oh man, she was on the right track, I should have realized that something like that wouldn't stay hidden from my mother for long. But I wasn't ready for a conversation like that yet. I didn't even know myself what would develop, so I couldn't tell my mother the truth yet. That would set the whole thing in stone.
“Jordan, what are you brooding about? I see I shouldn't have brought it up. Don't think about it, just forget I said anything.”
Sean
As I found out later, Jordan left a lot out of his story. I walked Hannah home. On the way, we talked about Jordan's story.
Steven was already waiting in front of her house. Without asking too many questions, he went after me. The first blow landed, which would give a black eye. But after that, I was able to keep him at a distance quite well. Shortly before Hannah's parents stormed out of the house and announced that they had already called the police, I landed another blow to his chin. Steven left.
After everything had calmed down a bit and we had told the police everything, I went back to Jordan. Not only because I couldn't go home like that, of course, but also because I really wanted to see him. Just seeing him wasn't forbidden...
Jordan
Sean surprisingly came back late that evening. This time he had a black eye.
“You should see Steven first. I gave him a good beating. However, I can't go home like this. Would it be okay if I slept here on the couch?”
“I would prefer it if you slept in my bed... .”
“But your parents... .”
“Mom and Klaus went to Klaus's parents. To show ultrasound images and stuff like that. They're staying there, they don't want to drive back at night.”
“Oh, okay, then I'll sleep with you.”
The situation was so strange. I didn't know what he expected of me at all. When I came out of the bathroom, he was already lying under the covers, just like before. I lay down at a decent distance from him.
“Tell me how you got your black eye.”
It seemed as if Steven had been written off for good. He had been waiting outside the house and attacked Sean because he thought he was involved with Hannah. After the little altercation, Hannah's parents had called the police, who had taken Steven away for questioning. We probably wouldn't hear from him again anytime soon.
“Well done. You're my hero. ...And what about us two, here... alone in the apartment...?”
I took a chance and gently laid my hand on his stomach.
“Jordan, I think we'd better not. We're friends, can't that be enough for now?”
“Yes, of course. I'm sorry. I just thought we had actually worked everything out, so I saw no reason....
“I'm with Sara. I can chalk last week up to a mistake. But what happened here today would be intentional cheating.”
“I hadn't thought of it that way...”
“But I have. I'm very grateful that you told me about your past and I was really touched by what you said. But I have to be sensible and see things realistically. Where would this story take us? It wouldn't end well for either of us... Where are you going?”
“Well, on the couch, of course.”
“But why?”
“You just dumped me... Do you really think I want to sleep in the same bed with you? No couch in the world is that uncomfortable.”
“But Jordan, we can... .”
“...stay friends? Don't you dare utter that hackneyed phrase. How cold are you, actually? Do you really think I could do that after all this? You've changed everything for me. I've never experienced anything like this either and, just like you, I'm scared shitless. But I wanted to face all the consequences...
“What consequences does it have for you? You don't have a girlfriend to lose and if you lose the support of your parents, excuse me, but I don't think you would even notice. You only live for yourself and don't need anyone else, and what if in two months you decide that I'm too bourgeois or too clean for you, or you just want a woman again? What then? Then I'll be all alone. You too, but that won't change anything for you.”
That had hit home. Was that what my mother wanted to tell me? That my new friends, unlike me, had something to lose? A future, money, prestige, people who loved them? I had enough of it. I packed my clothes and stormed out of the apartment without looking back.
Sean
Jordan stood there as if struck by lightning. His face was completely rigid, but I could see in his eyes that I had hit a nerve. Then he hastily gathered up his clothes and ran out of the apartment. Just like that. After everything he had said that afternoon, my first thought was of a relapse. I was going through the motions again. I called his mother and asked her for her assessment. She was immediately sure that he would get drugs. She went straight home. After that, I panicked even more. Only then did I realize that I had just told his mother what was going on between us, but I couldn't think about that at the moment. I had to do something, so I went to Zen and looked for him there. I told the others that I had had a row with his parents and that his mother thought he might relapse. They all went off with me to look for him. After an hour I went back, where his mother was already waiting. Her boyfriend had stayed with his parents because he had an important appointment there tomorrow morning. We called all the hospitals. All night we heard nothing. In between, his mother told me about previous relapses before the big withdrawal, which had been triggered by much smaller things. We sat in the kitchen all night and made phone calls. I couldn't persuade Jordan's mum to lie down. In between, she kept crying. I tried to stay strong, even though I was almost convinced by now that I would never see Jordan again in my life. After the sun had risen, we kept calling around for what seemed like forever. I had decided to just sit in the chair by the fridge until he came back, even if it took years. I didn't know what time it was, but at some point the front door opened. Someone came into the kitchen.
Jordan
I later found out that Sean had gone looking for me at Zen and met up with the whole gang there and put the word out on me. He also called my mom, who had left her number on the fridge. She immediately went home. I don't know how much Sean told them, but everyone assumed that I would shoot up and it would all start all over again. Mom and Sean were panicked. Hannah searched the usual shooting spots with Alex and Willie. Mom called the hospitals and police stations. Sean blamed himself because he had let me go. Nobody found me. How could they, they were looking in all the wrong places. I slept peacefully on the couch of my doctor. I slept until after noon. Then I thanked for the support and made my way home. At home, I found my mother sitting at the kitchen table, her eyes swollen. She was calling all the hospitals.
“Mom, what's going on, did something happen?”
“Child! There you are!”
My mom hugged me and then slapped me hard. She rolled up my sleeves and checked my veins.
“Mom, what's going on? What are you doing?”
“Where have you been?”
“At Dr. Bishop's! Call and ask him if you don't believe me!”
“That's exactly what I'm going to do.”
She swept into the living room to get his number. Only now did I notice a figure cowering in the corner out of the corner of my eye.
Sean looked at me as if I were a ghost. He was as white as the wall he was leaning against.
“It's true, he was with his doctor all night. Jordan, how could you give us such a fright? I have to let the others know. They're looking for you. Why were you gone all night? Why didn't you at least call?”
“But you weren't even there! What the hell is going on here? Why are you all making such a fuss? What should I have done? Sean! Tell me!”
Sean didn't move. He just stared at me in disbelief. I bent down to him. He took my face in his hands and looked at me firmly despite his swollen eyes. He whispered, almost.
“Jordan, I have never been so scared in my life as I was tonight. The look in your eyes when you left. I really thought I would never see you again.”
I pulled him up from his chair and held him tight. He was freezing cold and his heart was racing like crazy. He started sobbing.
“It's okay, I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere. I'll stay with you as long as you want me to. I promise. Don't cry, Sean, please. I didn't want that, I didn't expect that.”
I didn't know if my mother was still standing in the kitchen, but I couldn't help it. I took Sean's chin in my hand and brought our mouths together. I kissed him very gently at first, then more and more passionately. All the fear of the previous night noticeably fell away from him. His cheeks grew warmer and soon he smiled at me and whispered,
“I want to be with you, no matter what it costs. Please forget everything I said yesterday.”
“I know it's harder for you than it is for me. I'll be more patient in the future, I promise. Everything's fine, right? Everything's fine.”
Only the doorbell separated us. My mother came into the kitchen.
“Are you ready? These are your friends. I told them that you were back here and that it was all a misunderstanding. But they want to see for themselves that you're okay.”
“All right, okay. Thanks, Mom. I'm really sorry about all this.”
“I know, sweetheart, I know.”
Sean disappeared into the bathroom.
“Mom, I... we... I don't know.”
“It's all right. I'm sure it won't be easy, but you have so much strength, Jordan. I'll open the door now.”
To my surprise, Susi threw her arms around my neck.
“Jordan, thank God you're okay. You gave us quite a scare. We searched for you in the most remote corners of the city! Don't do that again! You belong with us now. We have to look out for each other.”
She actually sobbed into my T-shirt. I really didn't know what to make of it all anymore. All of a sudden, so many people cared about my whereabouts. I had often been out all night and never bothered anyone. Suddenly all this fuss. And Sara. She stood behind Susi and looked around quite obviously for Sean. I didn't know how I would react if Sean gave his girlfriend a kiss as a greeting. Alex and Willie actually looked happy to see me. They warmly shook my hands. My eyes fell on Hannah, who had not yet entered through the door. She motioned for me to join her in the hallway and closed the door. Inside, we could hear the boys shouting. Sure, the gang would definitely like to see me as Hannah's new boyfriend...
“Jordan, are you okay?”
“Yeah, I think so. It's all a bit much at once. I'm not used to such a crowd.”
“They were really worried about you. That's the great thing about this circle of friends. You can always rely on people 100%, even if they do have their quirks.”
“And what about you? Were you worried about me too?”
“After your story yesterday, I believe that you are capable of a lot. You react very impulsively. I would have thought you capable of relapsing.”
“Hannah, it didn't even cross my mind last night, really. Listen, I realized yesterday that something has been standing between us since I told you about the slap. But you have to know that it was the drugs and not me. I was so desperate and really needed a fix. Something like that would never happen to me again.”
“Okay. I think we should go back inside before they get the wrong idea in there.”
I sensed that the matter was not yet resolved.
Inside, everyone had gathered in the kitchen. Sean had just come out of the bathroom. He looked shockingly normal. Almost as if nothing had happened. Our eyes met. I remembered that Sean had no idea that Hannah knew. There was no one else around.
“Sean, listen. Hannah knows. She guessed it last week. I just want you to know.”
For a moment I thought he was going to yell, but then he smiled resignedly.
“Well, that's a start. Let's go inside.”
Of course, there was a shortage of seats in the kitchen. There was only one free chair left. Sara stood up and let Sean sit down. She jumped on his lap and kissed him warmly in greeting. My mother looked at me in astonishment. Hannah sat down on the last free chair. My mother asked me to help her in the cellar for a moment. I found that strange, since we hadn't rented a cellar compartment, but obediently followed her into the hallway.
“Sean has a girlfriend?”
“Yes, for three years.”
“And you don't mind that?”
“Yes, of course... .”
“And what are you going to do about it?”
“I don't know, I haven't thought about it yet...”
“You should, though, because I've heard stories like that before. Just think of your father. He'll end up marrying her and you'll be left by the wayside. I saw how much he cares for you last night. You should give him an ultimatum. It's better to know where you stand right now than to lose out to her after a few years of secrecy.”
“Mom, that's too fast. I'll wait and see first...”
“As you like, but don't say I didn't warn you.”
Luckily the gang didn't stay for long, I desperately needed time to think about everything. Sean, of course, went with Sara. He'd only exchanged maybe three sentences with me the whole time. I already suspected that exactly what my mother had prophesied could happen.
At school, I spent most of my time with Hannah. We were the only non-couple, which, absurdly, usually made us look like a couple. When I saw Sean, Sara or someone else from the clique was with me 90% of the time. We were never unobserved anyway. More than a quick chat was not possible. That really got to me. I could constantly see Sara half-eating Sean up.
On Friday during the break, we all sat together and talked about the weekend plans, which would probably be rather meager due to the two exams the following week. Sean and Sara sat a little apart and seemed to be having an argument.
Susi, as always, knew everything.
“Sara really wants to go camping with Sean this weekend. I think she finally wants to do it. But Sean says he has to study. I know that look in Sara's eyes. She's determined and will convince him.”
In fact, the argument seemed to have died down. Sara was now sitting on Sean's lap and the two were kissing violently, it was no longer G-rated.
“You see? On Monday, Sara will finally have lost her virginity.”
I threw up. Just like that, without warning and right next to the bench we were sitting on. I had to leave immediately. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sean watching me. Someone ran up behind me and helped me up the stairs to the school building. I threw up again on the stairs. It must have been a pitiful sight. I felt that the strange arms held almost all of my weight while I choked up my sandwich again. Alex, whom I had previously thought of as a brainless closet, had come after me and was now leading me to the nearest toilet. I couldn't deal with embarrassment right now. Sean and Sara would sleep together this weekend. In Sara's world, this was almost like a promise of marriage. Once that happened, I wouldn't stand a chance. His guilt would bind him to her...
“Are you okay?”
I couldn't turn to Alex to thank him for his help. I couldn't control myself anymore. The attempt to disguise my sobs as choking sounds failed miserably.
“Are you crying? Are you doing so badly?”
“No, no, I'm fine again. You can go back to the others.”
“Are you crazy, I'm not leaving you alone like this. Listen, Jordan, it's not okay how he's treating you. You shouldn't put up with it.”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“It's okay, I don't think anyone else suspects anything. I overheard Hannah telling Sean off because of you. At first I was a bit shocked, but then suddenly a lot of things made sense. That you were so keen to explain yourself to him at Zen, and that he came to see us the next day looking for you, so upset. I've been friends with Sean since elementary school, but I've never seen him like this in the last few weeks, and everyone knows that things aren't going well with Sara. Come on, have a drink of water. You don't look so good. Listen, you can just pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, but I want to give you my brother's number. He's 21, studies journalism at the state university here and is gay. I've talked to him and he wouldn't mind if you called him if you needed a sympathetic ear. Just a suggestion...”
The toilet door opened and Sean stood there. Alex handed me the piece of paper with his brother's number on it and left, not without giving Sean a reproachful look.
“Alex, I know what you're talking about. Thanks.”
“You're welcome.”
Sean looked at me in utter amazement. When Alex had left the room, Sean blocked the door with a trash can.
“Listen, Jordan, I need to know now. How do you want to proceed? Are you serious about me?”
“How can you still ask me that? I've been miserable because of you for weeks. I have to watch you make out with Sara every day. Not a night goes by without this image haunting me in my nightmares. I can't take it anymore. You have to finally decide...”
“Are you giving me an ultimatum?”
“No, I'm just being honest. I can't go on like this. And if you sleep with her this weekend...”
“What? How do you know about that? I hate that clique. No one can keep a secret. What I do with Sara is nobody's business!”
“I see, then it's clear. I won't interfere anymore, don't worry.”
“No, Jordan, I didn't mean you. I'm talking about the others who are always interfering.”
“They only do it because they care. Without Alex, I'd be lying in the playground behind the bushes in my own puke right now and you wouldn't care.”
“Hey, I'm here, aren't I? Did you tell Alex everything, too?”
“No, you did that yourself. He heard you and Hannah talking about me.”
“Great. If it continues like this, we might as well stroll through school holding hands next week.”
“So far, everyone has taken it much better than you have.”
Something changed in Sean's expression.
“You're right, they have. Let's not fight again, okay? When we're finally alone, we yell at each other. I don't want to go camping with Sara this weekend. I don't want to sleep with her either.”
“You don't? Then tell her that.”
“Jordan, it's not that easy. I can't give her any reasons either.”
“How about the truth? What are you afraid of?”
“I can't do that. If I disappoint her like this, after three years, she'll do anything to get me back, even go to my parents. And even if she doesn't, they'll ask me what went wrong. And what am I supposed to say then?”
“I don't know, I don't know. I just know it can't go on like this. Maybe we should start small. You need a reason not to go camping with her this weekend, right?”
“Yes...”?
“Give me chemistry tutoring. I got a D in the first exam. I really need an intensive course this weekend. And you're the best in chemistry. You could spend the whole weekend with me and we'll study chemistry together. And you wouldn't even have been lying.”
“Are you really that bad at chemistry?”
“Yes, but that's not the point. What do you think of the idea?”
“Not bad. I'll talk to Sara in a minute.”
Just as he was about to leave, he remembered why we were talking in a toilet.
“How are you doing now, actually?”
He put his hand on my forehead almost professionally to feel my temperature.
“At least you don't have a fever. Don't get sick, just before our buffalo weekend.”
And with that, he was gone.
In the evening, Sean and Sara didn't show up at the Zen Bar. Susi and her friends giggled the whole time. I asked as casually as possible where they were. Susi looked at me conspiratorially.
“Promise me you won't tell anyone!”
“Sure...”
I had a bad feeling.
“Apparently Sara has decided that if camping is cancelled, she'll just have to use tonight. She's even thought about renting a motel room. Unbelievable, isn't it?”
“That's...
I felt sick again...
“I think I need some fresh air...”
At the exit, I ran into the bouncer. I apologized and quickly went around the corner, out of sight. Of course, I threw up again. I was glad that no one was watching me this time. When my stomach had calmed down a bit, I rolled a cigarette for the first time in weeks. It was now half past ten. I was sure that the two of them had already slept together or were in the process of doing so. Images went through my mind, I couldn't stand it anymore. I slammed my fist into the wall of the house. Hot pain shot through my body and I heard a crack. I felt bones shift. I felt dizzy and saw spots before my eyes. I bent over and tried to take a deep breath. The stabbing pain gave way to a dull throbbing. I took a few drags on my cigarette. Every movement of my hand hurt like hell. I wished I had some grass with me to numb the pain. My hand swelled up so fast you could see it happening. Sean would know how to help me now. Sean... The pain became unbearable. Purple spots formed on my knuckles. The throbbing went through my entire body. I stood up and stepped out into the parking lot in front of Zen. I tried not to think about anything. Then I could hardly believe my eyes. There in the line for admission were Sean and Sara. Did they look different? Was there any evidence that they had? I had to get closer. They were in line about three meters in front of me. I couldn't hear what they were talking about, but they weren't touching each other. Normally, Sara was always hanging on Sean's arm. A sharp pain tore me out of my thoughts. The guy behind me had accidentally touched my arm while pushing. Involuntarily, I groaned loudly.
“Whoa, sorry man! You should really see a doctor about that.”
“Jordan!”
Great, now they'd noticed me.
“Jordan, let me see.”
Sean gently took my arm at the elbow and looked at my hand with a concerned expression.
“What happened, what were you doing?”
“I... it was an accident... me.”
“You need to see a doctor, you should get an x-ray. From the looks of it, something is definitely broken. I'm here in my mom's car, I can drive you.”
“I don't know, it's probably not that bad...”
“Come on, you don't need to study medicine to see that you should see a doctor about this. We'll drive you there.”
I think that was the first time that Sara had spoken to me directly. And she knew what Sean's real career aspiration was. I had imagined that Sean had only confided in me.
“Sara, there's no point in that. You go in to your friends and I'll take Jordan to the doctor. Really, it's okay.”
“Really? All right, call me when you get home, okay, honey?”
Sara kissed Sean on the lips, which almost made me want to hit something again.
“Bye, you two...”
“Come on, I'll park over there. Are you dizzy? Do you need to throw up?”
And of course I did. Sean tried to keep my hair out of my face, but I pushed him away.
“Damn it, Jordan! Let me help you!”
“You want to help me? You know what would really help me? If you roll me a cigarette. I can't do it with one hand.”
“I'm definitely not going to roll you one! It's bad for you! Do you know how many carcinogens are in them?”
“Oh, so cigarettes are bad for me. You're bad for me too, Sean! But you're not going anywhere!”
SILENCE
“Give it to me. I'll roll your damn cigarette.”
We didn't say a word on the way to the hospital.
It wasn't very busy in the emergency room; we were the only ones in the waiting area.
“Don't you want to tell me what happened? The doctors will ask you that too. Did you get into trouble? Was Steven there?”
“No, bullshit. He won't show his face here anymore.”
“All right, then what happened?”
“Nothing.”
“What do you mean, nothing? Your hand didn't just turn blue by itself.”
“No... it was just a stupid accident. I wasn't thinking. It doesn't matter...”
“Jordan, did you do it to yourself? What the hell did you do, now tell me!”
“I... man, I hit the wall. Satisfied?”
“What, why would you do something like that?”
“Because, oh... on impulse. Susi told me about your motel room. I went crazy. I went outside, threw up and hit the wall. That's it.”
“Jordan, I can't believe this.”
He looked at me sadly.
“Jordan, I didn't sleep with her. She said she had a surprise for me and steered me to the parking lot of the hotel. She said she had rented a room in there so we could be undisturbed. I could only think of you. I looked at the room and told her how shabby I thought it was. Actually, it was just a normal room. But I couldn't think of anything better. I told her that I couldn't imagine having our first time there. She was quite disappointed, but then she understood. We went out to eat and then came to Zen. That's where we met you. I'm sorry you had to worry. But I promise I won't sleep with her, believe me, please.”
Once again, tears were running down my cheeks. I was getting tired of it. I hadn't cried since my tenth birthday. But in the last few weeks, it had become more frequent.
A young doctor came and took me to an examination room.
“Do you need a handkerchief?”
“No, I'm fine...”
“Are you all right?”
“I think I've broken something...”
“I didn't mean that. Is he your boyfriend?”
“What?!”
Was I walking around with a stamp on my brain? I was simply shocked.
“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. Sometimes I talk without thinking. This is my first shift in the emergency room. When I'm nervous, I talk even more and think even less. I'm sorry.”
He took my arm at the elbow and looked at my hand carefully, just as Sean had done.
“How did that happen?”
“Do I have to say?”
“I can't force you, but it would help me to find out which bones I should take a closer look at. Listen, I'm bound by medical confidentiality. So if you've been in trouble...”
“It's not that. It's just pretty embarrassing.”
“I promise I won't laugh or anything.”
“I punched a wall with my fist.”
“... And, who won?”
He couldn't help but grin. I rolled my eyes.
“I'm really sorry, I've already talked faster than I thought. Okay, why did you do that?”
“Does that also help you with the diagnosis?”
“No, but I'd just like to know.”
“Just like that, affect, without thinking.”
“Were you angry?”
“Yes....
“At him out there?”
“Yes....
“Are you still mad at him?”
“I don't know, no, not really. How did you find out?”
“When I went to get you, I saw him talking soothingly to you... and that you were crying. I went back and waited until he had finished his lecture.”
“Oh... thanks, it was important that I heard what he had to say.”
“I could see that. So, about your hand. We need to x-ray it and it should be as flat as possible. Can you open your fist?”
“That hurts like hell.”
“All right, then I'll inject you with a painkiller first.”
“Oh, better not. I've been clean for 254 days.”
“I see. I'm afraid you'll have to grit your teeth during the X-ray.”
That was a huge understatement. I was glad when the procedure was over.
“Well, the fracture is not complicated, no splinters. We'll put a plaster on you to stabilize it. It can come off in six weeks. That's not the problem. But your overall condition worries me. Your blood sugar level is much too low, you probably haven't eaten in ages. You seem agitated and nervous. I've since got your file. You were here at the beginning of the year with a heroin overdose. You almost died.”
“Yes, that's right, but I never took anything again after that. I learned my lesson.”
“When I look at you, I have to say that you seem to me to be at high risk. Actually, I should admit you and call your doctor tomorrow.”
“Come on, that would be an exaggeration!”
“You think so? You hit a wall out of anger. Your self-destructive behavior is strong and you react impulsively. And the reason for all this is sitting out there in the waiting area. And I'm supposed to let you go away with him? I really can't be held responsible for that.”
“Isn't there any other way, maybe one that won't scare my mother?”
“Yes, there is. Have dinner with me.”
“What, excuse me?!”
“My shift is over in an hour. There's a night canteen here. Food helps against your low blood sugar level. Your fr... well, the guy out there can go home and I'll take you home later. I don't have to let you go away with the reason for your anger and I can make sure you get home safely. So there is no immediate risk of a relapse. Of course, you have to call your doctor tomorrow and make an appointment for Monday. So, what do you say? You are also welcome to spend the night in the hospital.”
“It doesn't really sound like I have a choice.”
“Good, then go and tell your... that guy...”
“Sean.”
“...Sean. After that, you just come back in and a nurse will put the cast on you.”
“Jordan! So, what did they say? How bad is it?”
“The break is not complicated and will be fine in six weeks. But they still wanted to keep me here. They have my file from the overdose. And apparently they think I could relapse.”
“What, really? And now?”
“I had to agree to a deal. One of the doctors is taking me to the night canteen because my blood sugar level is too low, and then he's driving me home to make sure I don't do any more stupid stuff tonight. I had no choice but to agree. My mom would freak out if she got a call from the hospital.”
“I see. Well, I guess I'll be going then. Is everything okay between us?”
“Yes, of course. I'll call you tomorrow about chemistry.”
“Okay, see you tomorrow.”
After I got the cast, I walked around in the waiting area for a while. Meanwhile, a couple with a small child had arrived who apparently had a high fever. The man and woman acted as if they were one person. Together they regularly checked the temperature, gave the child water and blew his nose. I thought of my mother and Klaus and that they would soon be parents. Together. Klaus wouldn't just disappear like the rest. They would probably even get married. I had to ask my mother about it.
The doctor came through the door marked “Staff Only”. He had swapped his white coat for a casual sweatshirt and came over to the waiting area. The first thing he did was take the child's temperature. He spoke soothingly to the parents and said that his colleague would be with them any moment. Then he came up to me and asked if we were ready to go. I nodded and followed him down a side corridor. I glanced back over my shoulder at the parents. They had already turned back to their child, but their faces looked more relaxed. Only now did I see that they were not much older than me.
“Careful!”
The doctor held me back by the arm. I had just continued straight ahead at a T-junction.
“What have you got against walls? Are you okay? You almost ran into it. What's going on? What..., ah, you were looking at the three. The parents are in their early 20s at the most. How old are you, by the way?”
The guy really talked a lot.
“I'm 19.”
“And what do you do? Do you study here?”
“No, I'm graduating from high school. I lost a year when I was in the hospital.”
“Oh, right, this way. It's not far anymore.”
The night canteen consisted of a row of hot plates and three tables. There was no one in sight, not even a cashier at the checkout.
“Self-service. Fred usually sleeps in the back room, we just put the money in the can over there. I'll invite you, of course. So let's see... what do you want? Pasta or chicken?”
“Pasta, I don't like meat.”
“Really, you're a vegetarian?”
“No, I just don't like meat.”
My voice sounded harsher than I wanted it to. But I was annoyed, too. If Sean had brought me home, he might have slept with me. And now I was sitting here in the hospital cafeteria with a stranger.
“Okay, I get it. Now eat, and I'll drive you home.”
“I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I just feel stupid, I don't know why they do that...”
“Call me Chris, I'm on a first-name basis with you, too. I don't know why I'm doing this either. You were sad, you felt bad, but you didn't want to stay in the hospital at any cost. I couldn't think of anything better to do.”
My hand started throbbing again.
“Is your hand bothering you? Is the cast too tight? Let me see.”
After he had made sure that the cast fit, he piled a huge amount of pasta in tomato sauce on my plate and took some chicken.
“Here, enjoy your meal.”
During the meal, we talked about trivial things. He asked me about my favorite subject, whether I liked sports, where I grew up, and so on. He said that he was 26 and in his first year of medical school. I told him that Sean would also like to study medicine.
“Really? And does he have the grades?”
“I think so. He gets straight A's. In chemistry, he usually knows more than our teacher.”
“Not bad. And where would he most like to study?”
“I don't know. I think he thinks he won't get in anyway.”
“But why not, if he's as good as you say he is?”
“It's complicated. His father built up a company and Sean is supposed to take it over. He's an only son...”
“Seriously? That still happens today? He'd better tell his daddy no right away before he messes up his whole life.”
“I couldn't agree more, but Sean just can't say no to anyone. He wants to please everyone. For example, he just can't bring himself to break up with his girlfriend.”
“Is that why you guys fought?”
Bull's eye. Somehow people always managed to grill me...
“Yeah, something like that...”
“You seem to be in a critical phase. Don't you think you'd better stay out of such situations right now?”
“That's easier said than done... .”
“I see. Well, at least go to a therapy group regularly and talk to your doctor, okay? Listen, you have to make Sean understand that you're not fully resilient at the moment. He has to take care of you. If he can't do that, he'd better stay away from you. Maybe you can take him to the therapy group so he can understand.”
“I don't know, I don't want to bother him with something like that, it's really my business...”
“But it doesn't work that way. He has to know what he's getting into. No matter how old you are, a teenage relationship doesn't work with an addict. And another thing: always having to pretend gets to you, you can't really afford that either.”
I knew he was right, but the situation was just way too complicated. I had to find a way for Sean and I to be together without pressure. It was good that my mom knew about it, so we didn't have to pretend at my house. Otherwise, having to do without public contact and so on was a shame, but bearable. But Sean really needed to talk to Sara, I had to insist on that...
After dinner, Chris drove me home. He insisted on taking me to the front door. I put the key in the lock while we said goodbye.
“Well, thanks for dinner and for bringing me home. And also for the rest.”
“You're welcome. I'll give you my card. You can call me anytime, okay?”
“Thanks, I know that.”
The front door flew open.
“Jordan, Sean, you're finally here! Um... you're not Sean.”
“No, I'm... .”
“Jordan, Hannah's here. She showed up an hour ago and doesn't look good. She was meeting with Steven. She's taking a bath right now. I wasn't allowed to take her to the doctor.”
“Not again, ... Chris, would you do me another favor and take a look at Hannah?”
“Of course.”
We sat down in the kitchen, where my mom had already made coffee.
“Honey, what happened to your hand?”
“Oh, it's not that bad. A clean break, it'll be forgotten in six weeks.”
I'd rather not tell her that my whole arm hurt like hell.
“How did that happen, for heaven's sake?”
“Oh, it was stupid. Shouldn't we rather talk about Hannah?”
“You're my child and that's why I worry about you first, so tell me!”
She sounded quite irritated. Under her T-shirt, I noticed the bulge of her belly for the first time.
“All right, but please don't get upset. Think of my little sister... Well, I punched a hole in the wall. That was all.”
“But why, Jordan?”
“I don't know... I was angry or something... .”
“Who are you angry with? Is it Sean? Because of his girlfriend? I knew this would cause trouble. Jordan, I forbid you to see Sean again as long as he's still with that girl!”
She almost screamed.
“Do you have to repeat my mistakes? And what if this whole thing throws you off track? I'm having the baby in three months, I can't worry about both of you, Jordan! I can't!”
“Yes, Mom, I know. I'll take care of myself. I'll call Dr. Bishop first thing tomorrow. And I'll go to group regularly and I'll talk to Sean. Please, Mom, don't worry. I'll be fine. And Chris, he's a doctor. I can call him anytime. He took care of the hand...”
“Well, there wasn't much I could do. It has to heal by itself. And of course I couldn't give your son painkillers. But I know his file and if I had had the impression that he was heading for a crash, I would have kept him in the clinic. Don't worry too much and above all: think of the baby. Children can feel stress even in the womb. I read a study about it just yesterday...
Hannah came out of the bathroom. She was wearing my shirt and my baggy pants. Her nose was swollen and her arms were covered in bruises.
“Hannah, you look terrible. What happened? Come sit with us. This is Chris. He's a friend of mine and a doctor.”
“Hello Hannah. May I take a look at your nose? I just want to make sure that nothing is broken.”
He carefully felt her nose. She grimaced. I could vividly imagine that it hurt.
“You're lucky. It doesn't seem to be broken. Do you have any other serious injuries?”
Hannah shook her head.
“Are you dizzy? Do you have a flashlight?”
Chris checked her pupils and felt her jaw. Then he seemed satisfied.
“It'll all heal. You don't need to go to the hospital. This time. But you have a lot of scars. This isn't the first time this has happened, is it?”
She just nodded.
“You should get help, there are support groups and you should go to the police. I'll make my way home now. Jordan has my number if anything else comes up. Good night, everyone. Don't worry, I'll find my own way out.”
We didn't talk much more, but went to bed.
The next day, the pain in my hand woke me up around noon. Hannah, Mom and Klaus were sitting in the kitchen.
“Good morning everyone.”
“Good morning...”
“Jordan, what happened to your hand? You didn't hit Steven, did you?”
“No, I didn't know about that yet. It's a long story, let's just eat first...”
“It's not that long of a story. He was angry and hit a wall.”
“What?”
“Yes, I know, pretty stupid... I wasn't thinking and just hit it...
“Well, hopefully next time there won't be a human in front of you by chance. I think I'd better go now. My parents are probably worried about me.”
“Hannah, wait. It wasn't what you think!”
She had already disappeared into the hallway. Just as I was about to follow her, Klaus held me back.
“Jordan, let her go. She needs to calm down first. Please stay here, we want to talk to you.”
“But... does that have to be now? What if...?”
“She'll be fine, Jordan. Come and sit with us.”
Mom had her hands on her stomach and looked almost a bit scared.
“Jordan, there are a few changes that need to be made before your sister is born. Your mother and I want to get married soon, what do you think?”
Oh man, what parenting book did he read?
“I thought as much. It seems logical to me. That's a good thing.”
“Great, I'm glad we agree. Of course, I'd like to live with you and the baby too...”
“Sure, that's part of it...”
“Yes, exactly. And that's why I'd like to offer you to move in with me. Your mother has already agreed...”
“What?! Move out of here? I've lived in this apartment since I was five! Why don't you move in with us?”
“I own the house I live in. And there's not enough space for four people here. With me, you would have a huge room and you could make your music in the basement without the neighbors complaining.”
“Mom!”
“Jordan, please! It's the most sensible thing!”
“And what about my friends?”
“I live in the same school district, and of course you'll stay in the same class.”
“Yeah, but Hannah lives right around the corner and the Zen Bar is here too...”
“You don't even know where my house is! Don't you want to ask me first?”
“All right...”
“104 Brasskott Street.”
My mouth fell open.
“Well, now you don't think the idea is so stupid anymore, do you? Your mom told me that you're friends with the Wittmore boy. His family lives at number 93, as you probably know. It's right across the street. His father is a client of mine. And it'll only take you 15 minutes to get to school. Well, what do you say?”
Klaus was Sean's neighbor? He knew his father? Why hadn't my mom mentioned that before?
“Well, what do you say, Jordan?”
“I don't mind... A music room of my own wouldn't be a bad idea.”
“Good. Your lease expires at the end of the month anyway and your mother hasn't renewed it yet. So you can move in with me immediately if you like.”
“Now you're taking him by surprise! Jordan, we would like to order the movers for next weekend. But if that's too fast for you, we can ask the landlord to give us more time.”
“No, that's okay. But could you show me the house first? Even today?”
“That can be arranged. I have another appointment in a few minutes and I'm playing tennis at five. After that I'll come pick you up. See you tonight.”
“Take care, darling.”
We heard Klaus close the front door behind him.
“Jordan, I know I should have told you earlier that I know Sean. But I thought you would only get upset about the fact that I couldn't tell Klaus the truth about you two.”
“No, that's okay, but wait a minute, you want to tell him at some point, right? I mean, if we live with him and Sean comes over...”
“Yes, of course. It's just that, Jordan, Klaus and Sean's father work together a lot. Klaus does all the tax stuff for the company. And the two are friends in their free time, too. They're almost neighbors. I just don't know how Klaus will react. I think we should approach the whole topic gently so that he has time to get used to it.”
“Oh mom, more secrets? But not for long. Promise?”
“Yes, of course. We'll manage it. I already have a plan. But I'll tell you later. I'm going to take a nap, my legs feel like lead.”
I jumped in the shower and then called Sean, because we were supposed to study chemistry...
“Wittmore residence, how may I direct your call?”
At least I could always be sure, thanks to the maid, that I wouldn't end up talking to Mr. or Mrs. Wittmore.
“Sean, please.”
“I'll connect you.”
“Sean Wittmore.”
“Hey, it's me, I.... ”
“Hold on a second... Thanks, Loraine. You can hang up.”
There was a clear click on the line.
“Hey Jordan, I thought you'd never call.”
“Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. There's been so much going on here. When can you come? I have so much to tell you.”
“I'll be on my way in a minute. Then I'll be there in half an hour. Why do you have to live so far away...?”
I had a laughing fit.
“What?”
“I'll tell you everything when you get here, okay?”
“You're making it exciting. Well, I'll see you in a minute.”
After half an hour the doorbell rang.
“Hello, come in.”
“Hey, Jordan.”
Sean actually gave me a kiss on the cheek.
“How's your hand? Does it hurt?”
“Quite a bit, actually. But I can take it.”
“You poor thing.”
He briefly put his hand on my cheek.
“Where's your mom?”
“She's sleeping. Legs like lead. Must be a pregnancy thing...”
“Probably blood circulation problems... Well, tell me, what was so funny before?”
We sat down on my bed and I started from the beginning. About Chris and Hannah and that Hannah was mad at me.
“Well, you have to give her time first, just talk to her on Monday. But I can kind of relate to it. Hitting the wall is a pretty aggressive move...
“But it wasn't like that at all. It wasn't really out of anger. I just didn't want to have to think about what you and Sara are probably doing right now.”
“That's almost like cutting yourself to forget emotional pain. Really self-destructive.”
“My doctor says the same thing about me. To be honest, I tried cutting myself in the past, too. But then I found an alternative....”
“Drugs?”
“I'm not proud of it. And that's in the past.”
“Well, the thing with the wall was only yesterday... .”
“I know. That was a slip-up. And I'll talk to my doctor on Monday and go to the therapy group regularly on Mondays and Wednesdays again...”
“I think that's good. Maybe, ... if between us, or just as friends, ... what I want to say is: maybe you'll take me to a group like that sometime. That would definitely be good for me to get to know you better. And besides, I'm also interested in the methods they use and so on. I've borrowed a few books...”
“What kind of books?”
“Well, specialist books... on psychiatry and stuff. About the causes and treatment of addiction and stuff...”
“Really? Because of me?”
“Of course you were the reason, but I'm also interested in the topic.”
“That's really... nice, really. I think I'd like to take you with me sometime.”
We looked at each other for a few seconds.
“You still haven't told me what was so funny on the phone.”
“You'll be surprised! When Hannah had left, Mom and Klaus told me that they want to get married before the baby is born. And we're supposed to move in with Klaus at his house.”
“Wow, that's big news. What do you think?”
“At first I thought they were crazy. But then Klaus told me where he lives.”
“And? Where does he live?”
“Closer to you than we are... .”
“Ah, so you thought that was hilarious.”
I grinned from ear to ear.
“He really does live very close to you... at 104 Brasskott Street.”
“What? That's almost next door! But that can't be! I thought that's where... Wait... Mr. Kamsky? My father's accountant? Isn't his name Klaus? Isn't he dating your mom?”
Sean turned pale.
“Does he know about us? Does he know? He's playing tennis with my father today! Jordan...!”
He held me by the shoulders and looked at me, panic-stricken and pleading.
“Sean, calm down. My mom's not stupid. She hasn't told him yet.”
“That's why she looked so familiar! I've seen her at his place many times when I picked up documents for my dad!”
“Yes, she recognized you. Sean, don't get worked up. We'll break it to him gently. You'd better be happy...”
“You want to tell him that? But if he blabs to my father, I'm dead!”
“Sean, don't overdo it. We won't do anything without your consent, okay?”
“...yes... This is really a huge coincidence. I'll have to digest that first... You'll be my neighbor soon. We can just stop by. And I no longer have to explain to my parents why I'm traipsing across the district to explain chemistry to you... And you'll get to know each other. Mr. Kamsky often has dinner with us. He'll bring you along, of course. Oh God, I can't even imagine it! Your mom and the stuffy guy! And if you hang around at our house, no one will be surprised and when my parents are out we can cook together. And... finally, when I'm sick, I won't have to have the assignments faxed because you'll be passing our house anyway. And anyway, we'll have the same route to school and can walk together! So many possibilities! Jordan, it'll be wonderful!”
Sean gave me an exuberant hug and kissed me on the forehead.
“When are you moving?”
“The movers are coming next weekend.”
“Before the fall break? That's great, my parents are staying with my sister! I'll have another party and I'll tell my parents that I don't need Loraine and we'll have the whole house to ourselves.”
He was as happy as a child. It was great to watch.
“Oh, it's getting late! We should probably crack open the chemistry book, you don't want to get a F in your report card. That's not appropriate in your new neighborhood!”
He winked at me, flipped open the book and started to explain the orbital model to me.
At half past six, we heard my mom start to make dinner in the kitchen.
“I thought she wasn't feeling well? Shouldn't we help her?”
“She doesn't let me in the kitchen when she's cooking anymore since a little incident with a burning oven mitt. I wouldn't be much help to her anyway, not only because of the cast, I have no talent at all. And I'm half Italian. They say the men are the better cooks there... Well... .”
“I don't know... I'm half Irish and I like cooking. Do you think it would be okay if I helped her?”
“Would it be okay? I think she'd be as happy as a pig in slop. I'll stay here with the chemistry book. I have a feeling I'm on the verge of a breakthrough. I'll definitely be the next Albert Einstein!”
“Except that Einstein was a physicist...”
“Of course!”
Sean patted me on the head and went to my mother in the kitchen.
Of course, I didn't stay in my room, but sat in the hallway within earshot.
“Good evening, Mrs... your name isn't Bonanno like Jordan, is it?”
“No, Mason, but call me Carol.”
“Can I help you, Carol? I love to cook.”
“Really? Yes, of course! Grab a knife and chop the carrots. I'm making homemade Bolognese. It's the only meat dish that Jordan likes to eat. He's always low on iron. Because he was so pale, people at school kept asking me if he was sick.”
“You look a little pale too. Are you taking iron tablets?”
“Yes, my doctor has prescribed some. I'm just a bit tired.”
“When is the due date?”
“On January 10th. I still have 12 weeks to go.”
“Well, more than two-thirds are done. Your belly is still very small anyway...”
“You know your stuff. Do you want to study medicine or something?”
“No, I think I'll do business administration. Medicine is just a hobby. Last year my sister had a daughter. I picked up a few things.”
“Business administration? Do you want to join your father?”
“Well, it's the obvious choice. You can earn more in business than you can as a doctor. And my father doesn't have to leave the company he built to some investors who will exploit it for maximum profit.”
“Yes, that sounds reasonable. But you still have time until spring when the university applications start.”
“Yeah, sure... So, shall I chop the onions?”
“Please do. The trick is not to breathe through your mouth while you're doing it.”
“Really, I didn't know that.”
“And what does your friend want to study?”
“Sara? She was born to be an economist. She watches the stock market news every evening. I think she already owns entire corporations, she's always buying or selling her stocks. My father is very impressed by that.”
“And you?”
“Well, I can't do anything with that.”
“But you want to study business administration?”
“I think I was breathing through my mouth after all. I'm going to go wash my face.”
I made sure to get back to my room. It was unbelievable what my mom got out of Sean.
“Hey.”
“Hey, what's up?”
“I just want to quickly wash my face. I cut onions.”
“The trick is not to breathe through your mouth.”
“No kidding. It's just not that easy when I have to answer your mom's questions at the same time.”
“Is she grilling you? Is it really bad?”
“No, no, she's not the first mom to interrogate me. She's definitely more polite and subtle than Sara's mom was back then.”
I had definitely heard that name too many times tonight.
“I'm sorry, that was really insensitive. I just wanted to say that I think your mom is nice. I'll get back to the onions. And this time...”
“...my mom will ask you a million questions again and you'll keep crying.”
“That's probably how it'll go. What won't you do for...”
He trailed off, looking as if he had inadvertently let slip some important secret. I almost felt a bit sorry for him. He really wasn't making it easy on himself.
“It's okay, Sean, I know what you mean. Go to your onions. I'll be right there.”
I wanted to give Mom a moment with Sean and then went into the kitchen.
“Ah, spaghetti Bolognese! That smells good. You're not just cooking it so that I eat meat, are you?”
“Well, Jordan, how calculating do you think we are? Could you set the table, please?”
She turned to Sean.
“Never let him near the stove unless you have good fire insurance...”
“Mom, I was 14 at the time! You should start trusting me a little more again.”
“Oh, setting the table is the most important task of all!”
Klaus arrived right on time for dinner.
“Hello, I'm back! Oh, how that smells! Sean! You here? We were just talking about you today. Did Jordan tell you the news yet?”
“Yes, earlier. I'm looking forward to it. So far, no one from my class lives in my area.”
“You have to thank me. At first, Jordan didn't really want to. But my offer of a private music room in the basement finally convinced him.”
“Really?”
Sean smiled at me meaningfully.
“I've never heard him play anything.”
“Really? He's really talented on the guitar. Jordan, would you play something for us after dinner?”
“That might be difficult with the cast...”
“Oh, I'd forgotten that. That reminds me: you won't be much help carrying the moving boxes.”
“Oh, I'd be happy to help them, of course. That's what neighbors are for.”
“That's really nice of you, Sean.”
The two of them had tons to talk about throughout the entire meal. They mostly talked about tennis or people from the company. I thought it was great that they got along well, and my mom gave me a “see, it'll work out” look, too.
Sean and Klaus cleared the plates.
“Pregnant women and invalids may remain seated.” ”Jordan, do you still want to see the house?”
“Sure, I can't wait.”
“Well, let's go then! Sean, I think we're heading in your direction.”
In the car, Klaus talked non-stop about his tricks at the net and how he always managed to beat Sean's father at least 6:3; 6:2. Apparently, Mr. Wittmore quickly became irascible as soon as he was one game behind. That's why, according to Klaus, he was his own worst enemy when it came to sports.
We drove past Sean's house and turned into a driveway.
The garden was huge and the house was not small either.
“Well, I'll be off then...”
“Don't be silly, come inside. You can help Jordan choose a room. His sister will have to take whatever he leaves.”
The entrance area was open plan, so you were practically already standing in the living room. Everything looked very friendly. The kitchen was huge and there was a separate dining room. There were also three bathrooms, which meant I had one to myself again. Actually, I even had an entire floor to myself, because Klaus's bedroom and a bathroom were on the second floor. On the first floor, there was a study, a bathroom and two huge bedrooms, one of which was to be mine. I found it strange that the rooms were completely empty. Any normal person would use so much space...
Mum and Klaus left Sean and me to explore everything on our own.
“Do you wonder why everything is empty here?”
“Yes, it's kind of strange...”
“His wife and two sons were in a car accident two years ago. He finally had the rooms cleared out and renovated six months ago. The whole house, in fact.”
“I had no idea about that. That must have been terrible for him!”
“Yes, he regularly came to our house for dinner after that and talked to my father for a long time. They had a lot in common. My brother died of leukemia when I was just a baby. He was 12. I think my parents had me after Jacob was diagnosed.”
“Oh Sean, I don't even know what to say...
“It's okay, I didn't know him at all. Now, you better think about which of the two rooms you want.”
“I don't know, they're the same anyway...”
“Yes, the rooms may be the same, but the view is not. From the room over there, you look directly at the street. From here, you can see the edge of the forest during the day. And there's a small canopy down there. I could well imagine that you could climb up here at night if you wanted to...”
Sean smiled mischievously.
We looked at the basement, then I was completely satisfied. Klaus casually mentioned that he also had a pool. Amazing!
I made an appointment with Sean to study chemistry the next day.
At home, my room suddenly seemed really small. A bigger bed would fit in the new room. I spent half the night making plans in my head about where things would best be placed.
Sean arrived promptly at two. Again he greeted me with a kiss on the cheek.
“Hey, so are you ready for round two, Einstein?”
“Ha ha, you just grin, that'll pass when I get the Nobel Prize.”
Sean could explain complicated things very simply. In the few hours I probably learned more than in all my chemistry lessons at school put together. Sean helped Mom prepare dinner again. I was allowed to set the table again. The mood was cheerful and exuberant. I just sat back and enjoyed how well Sean got along with Mom and Klaus at dinner.
“Eat at least a little of the meat! You look thin...”
“Mom, I've gained about 10 kilos in the last year. I don't think I look thin...”
The old song. We had this conversation on average every other evening.
Sean looked at me worriedly.
“If you've gained 10 kilos, what did you look like last year? You can't weigh more than 65 now, can you?”
“68. Don't you start too.”
“If you won't listen to me, at least listen to Sean! Do you want me to look for old photos? Is that what you want?”
“Here, I'm eating a piece of meat, see? Man, that's bound to have done it now. So, happy? Can we leave it at that?”
The two of them finally gave in and cleared the table. I had the feeling that there was a conspiracy going on here. Suddenly I wasn't so sure if I liked the fact that Sean got along so well with Mom and Klaus. After dinner, we discussed possible exam questions. Klaus offered to drive Sean home. But of course he didn't want to be a burden to anyone since Klaus was going to stay with us tonight. He insisted on walking. I suggested that I at least accompany him for a bit.
“You don't have to do that... .”
“I know, but I want to get some fresh air anyway... .”
“All right.”
We strolled past Hannah's house and I remembered that she was still mad at me.
“Do you want to ring her doorbell?”
“I don't know. Maybe on the way back.”
There were many cars in front of the Zen Bar. On Sundays it was usually reserved for private parties. I noticed that most of them were limousines.
“I forgot. Susi's uncle is celebrating his 40th birthday today. My parents are there too.”
“Your parents are going to a nightclub owner's birthday party?”
“Yes, now he's a nightclub owner, but before that he worked for my father. Besides, the Zen is considered a decent club. Why do you think my parents never give me trouble when I go there?”
Another “I'm scared of my parents” thing... I wondered when he would get rid of that. Then I realized that I didn't really know how old he was. In the class there was everything from 17 to almost 20.
“Say Sean... how old are you actually? I mean, you're already 18, aren't you?”
“No, I thought you knew? I'm one of the youngest in the class.”
Swallow.
“Okay... no, I didn't know that. And when will you be 18?”
“Well, next weekend. That's why I'm having a party.”
“Thank God... .”
“What? Are you already afraid of being charged with statutory rape?”
Sean grinned from ear to ear.
“Don't worry, if that got out, you wouldn't live to see your trial anyway. My dad would find you before that happened...”
His tone was sarcastic, but you could tell that the thought didn't seem so far-fetched to him.
“Besides, I don't think it's enforced that strictly. You're only just over 18, aren't you?”
“Are you kidding? I'm almost 20!”
“Really?”
“My birthday's in January.”
“Oh... well, still.”
“You know, I've been there before. Shortly after my 18th birthday, they wanted to get me for a 16-year-old. Fortunately, she said that we only kissed and then I fell asleep.”
“But that wasn't true, was it?”
“I don't know, I couldn't remember anything after we left Zen...”
“Seriously? That's crazy... Tell me, how many girls have you slept with?”
“Sean... you don't want to know that...”
“Yes, really. I can handle it... 5... more? 10? Even more? Really? Come on!”
“34 that I can remember... plus about 10 unreported cases.”
“!!”
“Sean, say something! You wanted to know.”
“Yeah... wow... that's a lot... .”
Sean seemed really shocked. I tried to save the day:
“It's possible that I counted a few twice.”
That made things worse...
“What?! How can you not be sure who you've slept with and who you haven't?”
“By being high! Sean, it didn't mean anything. It was like eating. When you're hungry, you just grab a snack. You don't think about it.”
“Wah, I don't want to hear it anymore!”
“I'm sorry... But should I have lied?”
“And what about diseases? I mean, do you think about protecting yourself when you're high?”
“Mostly...”
“Mostly? And have you been tested, or should I go to the doctor?”
He seemed a little hysterical.
“Sean! Calm down first. Think! How could you have gotten infected, hm? And of course I got tested, several times, for everything. Nothing. I'm healthy, okay? You can read it yourself, I kept everything.”
“Me, ... okay.”
“Good, everything okay again?
“I think so. It's just... I didn't expect such a big number. It's a shock. I mean, you were number 2.”
“You can't see it that way. You can consider yourself number 3. I've only had something like a relationship with two girls.”
“Okay... and how old were you the first time?”
“Do you really want to talk about this anymore?”
“Yes. I like to know every truth, no matter how uncomfortable. As long as it's the truth.”
“All right. 13. You?”
“Almost 15. After that, I got together with Sara. On my 15th birthday.”
“Really? That means you guys are celebrating your three-year anniversary this weekend.”
“I guess so, yeah... on Halloween.”
“It's going to be a great party. Do you really want me to come?”
“Jordan! It's my birthday! You have to be there, I want you to be the first person I see when I turn 18. After that, everything will be different. I'll get my own car from my parents. And I want to talk to them again about going to medical school. And I want to talk to Sara too. I know it's a lot to ask, but I'd like you to be there, even if you have to put up with me and Sara. Please.”
“Sean, how long is this going to go on for?”
“I'll talk to her. But not on our anniversary, I can't do that to her.”
“But she'll probably want to take advantage of the occasion and your parents' absence...”
“I'll think of something. She's put me off for three years, I can do it for a week. Trust me, Jordan.”
I didn't seem to have any other choice.
When we turned into his street, I said goodbye and made my way home. I decided not to ring Hannah's doorbell anymore, but to concentrate on the chemistry exam the next day, in the first hour.
Sean
At school, we spent most of our time with the whole gang. Sara was strangely hyper and affectionate the whole week. She wanted to make out all the time. Hannah gave me a piece of her mind about it. I should make up my mind, she said. She asked if I didn't care how Jordan felt about it. It was easy for her to talk; I just behaved as expected of me. I didn't want to look suspicious. I began to wonder if Sara suspected something, because suddenly she wanted to go camping with me over the weekend. In October and just before a few important exams. That alone was reason enough to cancel. Jordan got wind of it and the whole thing culminated in his broken hand. That scared me. My smallest actions had such a strong influence on Jordan's state of mind.
The next day, he told me that his mother's boyfriend was my father's accountant and that they would be moving in with him, making them my immediate neighbors. I initially had mixed feelings about this, as you can imagine. It meant new risks, but also a lot of new opportunities.
When we were choosing rooms, I told Jordan about Klaus' family and my brother Jacob. Jordan and I actually still knew very little about each other. I realized that the next day when Jordan was quite surprised that I was not yet 18 and I learned that he was almost 20. What he said about his sexual past also surprised me, to say the least.
Jordan
The exam went really well. The questions almost seemed too easy. From the first break, everyday life had returned. The clique sat together, Sean and Sara were flirting a little apart. Susi talked about her uncle's birthday and that “Ash of the Phoenix” had played there, a locally quite successful band that mainly played covers of the great rock bands of the 80s. The word had obviously got around about what had happened to my hand, because nobody asked any questions. Actually, everything was as usual and I just didn't look in Sean's direction. This time, something else was bothering me. Hannah didn't give me a second glance.
“Hannah, can I talk to you?”
“I don't want to talk to you.”
“Then at least listen to me. You have to know that I would never hurt you...”
“Yeah, that's what Steven said.”
“Hannah, I'm not Steven. I'm honest with you. That's the only reason you know about my mother. She has forgiven me, can't you do the same?”
“And what about your hand? What if a person had been standing there instead?”
“I didn't hit the wall because I was angry. I hit it because I was desperate.”
“I see. So you just wanted to hurt yourself? Then it's not that bad. You're really quite broken, Jordan!”
She turned to leave. By now the whole clique was watching us.
“Wait!”
“Jordan, let her go!”
Sara held me back by the arm. I looked at her in amazement.
“Jordan, you don't understand what's going on, so just let her go.”
“What do you know about it?”
“I know that Hannah is my best friend and that she was distraught when she came to my door on Saturday and told me everything.”
I looked at Sean, who was standing behind her and had turned as pale as death.
“And... what did she tell you?”
“Well, for example, that you once hit your mother when you were high. And that you punched a wall in anger at something and broke your hand in the process.”
Pah, she didn't know anything and I told her so.
“Well, at least I have eyes in my head and see what's going on around me!”
“What do you mean?”
“Don't play stupid, you must know what I'm talking about!”
I looked at her in amazement.
“I'm talking about the fact that Hannah has fallen in love with you!”
“What? Nonsense! We're friends, nothing more.”
“I think she sees it differently...”
I was completely taken aback. My mom had also hinted at something like this. Was it possible that I only had eyes for Sean and therefore no longer noticed what was going on around me?
“That... but she knows...”
I bit my tongue.
“Did she really say that?”
“She didn't have to say it, it was obvious.”
Everyone nodded in agreement. It was all getting too much for me, I had to get away to clear my head. Sara followed me.
“Jordan, wait!”
“Please leave me alone.”
“But where do you want to go? Recess is almost over, we have music!”
“So what? I'll just take some time off.”
“Hannah wouldn't like that! Now wait, come on, the others have art anyway, come on, come with me.”
She hooked her arm around mine and pulled me towards the music room.
We sat on the floor in front of the room for the rest of the break.
“So, do you like Hannah too?”
“Of course I like her, but not like that...”.
“Why not?”
“What do you mean, why not? You don't choose your feelings!”
“No, but there are reasons for them anyway. You're friends with her, so you think she's nice. There's no doubt she's pretty, and she doesn't have a boyfriend anymore, so what is it?”
“Well, I still have feelings for Steven, I can't shake that feeling.”
“Maybe, but you know as well as I do that he would quickly get over her if you showed an interest. Hannah just doesn't want to be alone. So, what's stopping you? I thought you had a thing for her. At Sean's party, you were pretty into her. What's changed since then?”
“I don't know, now we're friends. And I don't want to risk that...”
“Oh come on, that can't be all! Have you met someone in the meantime?”
“Yes, that too...”
“What, seriously?”
“Actually, yes...”
“Does Hannah know?”
“Yes, of course.”
“That's not like her at all, wanting to interfere in other people's relationships. Hm, maybe you should talk to her about it later...”
The gong freed me from the interrogation. I had preferred it when Sara ignored me. She even sat down next to me.
“How was your weekend with Sean?”
“What…?”
“Well, your chemistry crash course. Do you feel like it helped?”
“Oh, yes, the exam went well.”
“Well then it was worth postponing the camping trip. It would probably have been a bit cold anyway...”
I thought each of my words three times over in my head so that I wouldn't say anything wrong. I tried hard to follow the lesson, but she kept whispering to me anyway, waiting for an answer.
By the end of the lesson, I was a nervous wreck. I was constantly afraid that she would see through me.
That afternoon, I had an appointment with Dr. Bishop. I told him about Sean and the events of the last few weeks. He still advised me not to get involved in anything until I had at least a year clean. Especially since the situation was so messed up, he advised me to end it before it really started. He was also worried about the move, since it meant stress and I should rather concentrate on graduating from school. When I told him what had happened to my hand, he wanted to have me committed. But I was able to convince him that the worst was over and that I would attend group sessions regularly. He also made me spend an additional hour with him each week. The group session started right after that and lasted until half past seven, when I made my way home. I still wondered whether I should stop by Hannah, but had no idea what I should say to her. So I preferred to make my books. It was before the fall holidays yes finally still an English exam.
That too passed without incident, Hannah ignored me and I only saw Sean from a distance. Our move and Sean's birthday were getting closer and closer. During the course of the week, I packed my things in boxes. I actually found a few pills that I flushed down the toilet without hesitation.
On Friday before school, the movers arrived. The new bed was supposed to be delivered to Klaus's house by the afternoon. But it wasn't. Well. In the evening, most of the boxes were still in the living room, where the moving company had left them. A complete mess. I was glad that I was able to go to Sean's around seven to help him prepare for the party.
“Hey, you're the first.”
Once again, he greeted me by kissing me on the cheek after closing the front door. This seemed to be becoming a habit, which I liked.
“Do you have your costume in that backpack?”
“Costume? No, that's your present.”
“I'm getting a present from you?
“Actually, several. One for now and one for later. The first one is more for the general public and, to be honest, from my mom. Brownies. But I licked the bowl. My mom says that's the most important job.”
“Brownies? I haven't had those in years. Tell her thanks from me. And thanks to you, too. Your mom is right. If the bowl isn't licked properly, all the brownies are only half as good. I'm so excited. I don't even know why. I mean, it's not like I'm suddenly going to grow up at midnight tonight... is it?”
“Well, it took me a while after that... Um, you're not serious about the costume, are you?”
“Of course, it's a Halloween party after all. But don't worry. We'll find something for you upstairs. I've got a whole chest full. That's just the way it is when you have a Halloween birthday party every year.”
“Oh man, fine. But I'm not going as something embarrassing!”
“We'll find something for you. Come on!”
He took my hand and dragged me upstairs to his room. When I entered, all the memories of the night I spent with Sean in this room came rushing back to me. He must have guessed what was going on in my mind.
“I know how you feel. When Hannah and Sara left and I came in here, I felt the same way. I didn't want to leave. Come on, take off your clothes.”
“What?”
“Here, I think I've found something suitable. You're a born vampire. Try it on.”
“Somehow it's weird to undress in front of you.”
“Oh, should I rather wait outside?”
“No, nonsense! It's just weird, usually I have no problem undressing in front of other guys. But I just can't quite categorize you, you know? I don't know either. Everything physical between us seems to me to be a taboo... I can't explain it either.”
“Come here.”
He seemed to understand what I meant, because he kissed my neck, thus establishing that there was no longer any taboo. Then he took off my sweatshirt. I held back because I wasn't sure what exactly he had in mind. When he pulled my T-shirt over my head, I was relatively sure what he wanted, even if it came as a surprise.
He pulled himself together and turned around to give me a long black shirt. I couldn't hide my disappointment. Then he bit my neck.
“I promise you'll get more of that. But not until I'm 18. Otherwise they'll arrest you for drinking underage blood or something. Only four and a half hours to go. I'm going to the kitchen. Will you come down when you're ready? Face paint is in the bag, as are the teeth. And your cape is over there.”
And with that, he was gone. Woah. The vampire couldn't wait for the clock to strike midnight...
Sean had been right. I was doing really well as a vampire. When I was done, the doorbell rang. Sara had arrived downstairs. I waited another two minutes and then went to join them. Sara was dressed as a businesswoman, in a gray pantsuit, bun and yuppie glasses.
“Hey Jordan! Wow, dark!”
“Thanks. Actually, this belongs to Sean.”
“But you never wore that, did you, darling?”
“It didn't suit me very well...”
“What are you supposed to be?”
“Oh, Jordan, there's no need to ask. He's been dressing the same way for years. As a doctor.”
“I'll go change too, then.”
Being alone with Sara was almost even less comfortable than seeing her with Sean...
“So, how's the move going?”
“One disaster follows another. The place is full of boxes, I can't find anything, and my bed still hasn't been delivered. I'll probably have to sleep on the floor tonight...”
“I'm sure there'll be a bed for you here. ... Well, if I do the math, it would probably mean that you'd have to share Elisabeth's room with Hannah. I think the rest are occupied by couples and Willie is sleeping on the couch. By the way, where is your girlfriend? Is she coming too?”
“Who said I have a girlfriend?”
“Well, you did! So it's not going to work out with Hannah?”
“Well, yes, that's right.”
Damn it. That was exactly what I had feared. Why was I sometimes so... gnargh!
Sara looked at me in amazement. Fortunately, before she could ask any more, Sean came down the stairs in surgical clothing. He had an axe sticking out of his shoulder.
“Well, that's something different, isn't it? What are you looking at?”
I looked from Sean to Sara and back again. I couldn't even answer...
“Oh, the sight of you is just really shocking and all the blood.”
“Yes, isn't it? It's raspberry syrup.”
Why hadn't she followed up but covered up the situation in front of Sean?
“I'm going back to the kitchen. Could you get the drinks from the cellar?”
I followed Sara down the stairs, suspecting that she was about to take me to task.
“Jordan, can you please explain this to me? On Monday you tell me that you're with someone and today you don't know anything about a girlfriend. That doesn't make sense...
“No, I was just in a daze.”
“Unless...”
Uh oh...
“You never actually said you had a girlfriend...”
BANG
I didn't know what else to do and dropped a bottle. That was enough to distract Sara from her thoughts for now, or at least keep her from saying them out loud.
Sean came running over immediately, almost as if he had been waiting at the top of the stairs...
“Did someone hurt themselves?”
“No, I am so clumsy, I'm sorry. I hope that wasn't expensive wine...”
“No no, don't worry about it. Now put your plaster in a safe place. I'll clean this up.”
Sara still looked at me skeptically...
“No, I'll clean it, I'll manage. You can go upstairs.”
I couldn't hide down there forever, but maybe I'd be lucky and the first guests would arrive and distract Sara from me...
Sure enough, the doorbell rang soon after. I heard Susi's squeaky voice.
“You don't know who I am? I'm the biggest lady in the movie business, Susan Philipps. And these are my bodyguards.”
Willie snorted audibly. Good, that would keep her talking for a while. I joined the others in the lobby.
“Hey Jordan! You didn't dress up at all!”
Uhuhu, Susi obviously didn't feel too bad about this perennial favorite.
“Hey Susi, neither do you. Gosh, what a dress.”
She was wearing a red, backless evening dress and a matching feather boa.
“But you have something on your face.”
I pointed to the beauty spot she had painted on, whereupon she threw back her boa and made a skillful exit with her bodyguards. She came back immediately and collected her applause.
“Well, now only Hannah and Tanja are missing. Then we can eat.”
Just then the bell rang and the nurses “Hanny & Tanny” were standing at the door. At the sight of the skimpy gowns, the bodyguards whistled through their teeth, which earned Alex a nudge in the ribs.
There were three different Indian dishes with saffron rice. Sean told me which one was vegetarian. I tried them all anyway and found one more delicious than the other. Soon the other guests arrived one after the other and the house became more and more crowded. I had almost finished my bottle of Martini when I noticed that Sean was only drinking orange juice.
“Hey you, soon-to-be birthday boy! I've got your number! There's no alcohol in your glass! What's going on?”
He pulled me into the kitchen and whispered,
“I don't want to blame anything that happens tonight on the alcohol.”
He quickly kissed me on the cheek and went back into the living room.
“Sean, wait! You have white paint on your lips. I guess it rubbed off on you...”
“What? ... Is it gone now? Man, that was close. Thanks.”
And just like that, he was gone.
On the couch, I ran into Hannah, and this time she couldn't avoid me...
“Hey...”
“Hey.”
“So... there really are a lot of people here...”
“Jordan, are you really trying to make small talk with me?”
“Not really, but I don't know how to ask you what I want to ask...”
“If I can give you a tip: just ask.”
“All right. Hannah, do you feel more for me than friendship?”
“To be honest, I do...”
I hadn't expected her to admit it so quickly and was initially stunned.
“Jordan, I know you're really into someone else right now, but face it. That person is taken and I don't think that's going to change anytime soon, considering what I've heard... Oh, this is really stupid. Do you want to step outside so I can talk openly?”
“Sure...
“All right, Jordan, I'll be honest: Sean is not good for you, and believe me, I'm an expert on men who aren't good for you. He doesn't deserve you and he's definitely not going to break up with Sara any time soon. I, on the other hand, am free and unattached. And I would do you good. We get along so well, you and I. Can't we at least give it a try? If it doesn't work out, we can just be friends again, I promise. Well, what do you say?”
At first I didn't say anything. Then, at some point:
“Hannah, I really like you. And a month ago, this would have been the best thing that could have happened to me. But now everything has just changed. I don't want to lose you as a friend, but I want to try with Sean, even if it won't be easy. And I think he wants the same. Please don't be angry, I can't help it, that's just how I feel.”
“Whatever you say...
I could see from her face that I had hit a raw nerve.
“Hannah, please don't be sad. You're way too good for me anyway. And soon you'll find someone else...”
“Save the pitying act. Run into your misfortune, but when you're in the shit, don't count on me.”
“Hannah...”
She was gone.
I urgently needed Sean...
“Sean, can you help me in the basement for a minute? I can't manage with the cast...”
“Sure...”
Downstairs, in the dark, I told him what had happened. He immediately understood how close I was to breaking point and put his arm around me in comfort.
“Jordan, it's going to be okay, I promise. Hannah often reacts impulsively. I'm sure she's already sorry for what she said.”
“I hope you're right...”.
“Yes, you'll see. Come here.”
He put his hand on the back of my neck and pulled me towards him. Our first kiss in ages. He pressed me against the wall and felt for my piercing with his tongue. It felt like the room around us was dissolving. Soon I couldn't tell how much time had passed since we started kissing. I just felt his tongue as it snaked around mine.
“Sean, it's... oh, sorry, I thought... What?! Oh my God! Oh my... .”
Sean had pushed himself away from the wall immediately, but it was too late.
Tanja had apparently come around the corner silently. Even though it was almost completely dark, her reaction left no doubt. She flipped on the light.
“What the hell?”
“Tanja, it's not what you think, we...”
“You've got white and black make-up all over your face. I think it is what I think.”
“All right, maybe. But please don't say anything to Sara, okay? Please!”
“Sara is my girlfriend! I can't keep something like that from her! And you, Jordan, you push your way into our circle of friends and do nothing but cause trouble! But that... I can't think of anything more to say. Do you really want a three-year relationship on your conscience?”
“If anyone is responsible for this relationship, it's me. And I'll tell Sara the truth, but not on our three-year anniversary. And neither should you. That would make everything worse than it already is. I'll talk to her soon, I promise.”
“I'd advise you to do that. Now you should wash your face. It's almost twelve.”
She steamed off, not really silently this time.
“Sean, I'm sorry...”
“What, it wasn't your fault. Sooner or later something like this was bound to happen.”
“But the stupid Dracula make-up...”
“...I talked you into it. Come on, let's wash up and get upstairs.”
Upstairs, everyone had gathered in the living room. It was actually only two minutes to midnight.
Sara hooked her arm around Sean and asked him if everything was all right. Hannah was nowhere to be seen.
“Where is Hannah?”
“Do you really care? She locked herself in the bathroom.”
The countdown had begun.
“10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Happy Birthday to you...
The whole room, full of monsters, heroes and other characters, started singing the song. I managed a quick glance at Sean before he was engulfed first by Sara and then by everyone else, with hugs, congratulations and the like. I decided it made more sense to check on Hannah first.
The door to the bathroom on the first floor was locked.
“Hannah, are you in there?”
I heard a soft sobbing.
“Hannah, open the door, please!”
“Get out!”
“I can't! You're my friend! I can't just walk away. Please, let me in.”
After a few seconds, the door lock was turned.
Hannah was standing there, her mascara all over her face from crying.
“Oh sweetheart, come here.”
I took her in my arms.
“Don't cry anymore, it's a party. Come on, let's get you cleaned up first.”
I gently dabbed her face with a wet paper towel. She looked at me. I realized that she was almost as tall as me, including her shoes. Then she kissed me.
I pulled back.
“Hannah, I can't do this. I'm sorry.”
She looked over my shoulder. I turned around to see what she saw.
Sean was standing in the doorway. I couldn't read his expression.
Before I could say anything, Hannah beat me to it.
“You win, Sean. But if you treat him badly, I'll make your life a living hell.”
With these theatrical words, she left the bathroom and Sean locked the door behind her. He didn't seem angry or anything.
“Are you okay, Jordan?”
“You're asking me? Yeah, it was just a surprise... and I hate having to hurt her.”
“I know how you feel. That's exactly how I feel about Sara. But we can't please everyone, can we?”
I suddenly understood what Sean must have been going through these past few weeks.
“Sean, I'm sorry that I pushed you so hard and that I didn't understand you better.”
“It's okay, you were right, I had to decide. And I chose you. And now I want my birthday kiss.”
And he should get it.
“I like your piercing... .”
“I already noticed that... .”
“And where's my present?”
I pulled an envelope out of my pocket.
“Here.”
He eagerly opened the envelope and pulled out two bus tickets to L.A.
“We're going to L.A.?”
“Yeah, if you want to...”
“Of course I want to. I've been to the city a few times, but I've only really seen the airport and some company buildings. Going to L.A. with you will be great! We can explore the city together, Hollywood, the movie studios, UCLA...”.
“It's funny you should mention UCLA. I was talking to Chris, the doctor, remember? Anyway, he went there and a friend of his works at the medical school, the David Geffen School of Medicine. Don't be mad, but I told him that you were considering studying there and this friend offered to show us around...
“You did that?”
“I thought it couldn't hurt, but we can also turn him down if you want...
“No, no! I think it's great, really! Thanks, that's a great gift.”
He gave me a kiss.
“We should show our faces downstairs again sometime...”
Nothing exciting happened for the rest of the evening, but when most of the people started to make their way home and it was time to assign the beds, things started to heat up again. Willie had fallen asleep on the couch, which was intended for him anyway, after his Tanja had left, which made me very happy. Hannah had apparently drowned her frustration in vodka and was hanging over the toilet bowl. Sara was with her. Susi and Alex naturally wanted a room together, so they retreated to one of the three bedrooms.
Sara came out of the bathroom, it was now half past four.
“I think Hannah will need a while longer. I'll stay with her. It makes the most sense if she gets the master bedroom, it's closest to the bathroom. You guys go ahead to bed, I'll probably sleep with Hannah, just to be on the safe side. I'm sorry, honey, but we still have a week to go before your parents come back.”
She kissed Sean on the lips and disappeared back into the bathroom, where distinct choking sounds could be heard. Sean looked at me and I knew exactly what he was thinking. His room was ours for the rest of the night.
When it slowly dawned around six, we started making plans for L.A. At some point Sean asked
“And where are we going to sleep?”
“I was just talking to a friend who's been living near LAX for a year. We can stay with her.”
“Really? You have a friend in L.A.?”
“She used to live here, so...”
“Why are you looking at me like that? Wait a minute... you had a thing with her, didn't you? She's one of the 45, huh?”
Sean didn't seem annoyed, not even confused. Just curious.
“Yeah... actually she's one of the Big Three, if you will. I practically lived at her place back then...”
“So what happened?”
“She moved to L.A. to get away from the old folks and get clean. And she did it. She used her parents' money to build a stretch limo and now she drives the rich and famous around the city.”
“When was that?”
“A few months before I went to the clinic. The total crash started back then. We were together for a year and a half.”
“That's crazy... and you really want to spend the night here? With me? I mean, does she even know...?”
“Sean, of course I told her who you are. And jealousy or anything like that was never an issue between us. Everyone could do what they wanted... .”
“Are you saying that...?”
“We slept with others too, yes. That was normal for us.”
“Do you want to be with others now too?”
“No, for God's sake! Those times are over! And it only worked because the drugs made us not think about it. Don't worry about it. You're enough for me. I mean, just tonight, that was... wow.”
“Yeah, me too. We still have a little time before the others wake up...
He pulled me towards him. Our clothes had been lying next to the bed for a long time. He kissed my neck first, then moved lower and lower, to my belly button and even lower.
“Sean, you don't have to do this if it's weird for you...”.
Apparently it wasn't...
Around ten Sean took a shower first, followed by me. With the plastic bag wrapped around the cast, it took me a little longer. When I was done, I heard trampling in the hallway and then met a pale Hannah, who asked me cynically:
“Well, did you have a good night?”
“Yes, thank you. I take it yours wasn't so great?”
“Not really, no. Much to Sara's chagrin and fortunately for you lovebirds...”
“Shh, Hannah! Are you crazy?”
“Don't worry, Sara and your lover are already downstairs in the kitchen preparing breakfast. Sara wants to go to her favorite restaurant with Sean tonight and then seduce him here. Well, what do you think?”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Well, so you can see what you've gotten yourself into. Or do you really still believe that Sean will decide to break up with Sara by tonight? On her three-year-old?”
“At least he won't sleep with her, not today and not ever.”
“A typical case of rose-tinted glasses. He can't think of a reason to string her along for the rest of the week. At some point, he's bound to give in.”
“That's why we're going to L.A. on Monday.”
“Please, you're doing what?”
“That's right. We're going to check out the city and the university and spend the night at a friend of mine's place.”
“And what are you going to tell Sara?”
“That has nothing to do with her!”
“Yes, of course it does! After all, the two of them had planned to spend the whole vacation together. Sara's parents aren't around either. Didn't you know that?”
“No...”
“Well...”
In the kitchen, the table was already set with all kinds of breakfast items. Sean was even frying bacon and eggs.
I sat down diagonally opposite Sara.
“Morning...”
“Good morning, Jordan. You don't look like you slept very well. Was Sean not a good bed partner?”
“Yes, I don't know, somehow I couldn't find any peace... I hope my bed has already been delivered. Then I'll take another nap in it later.”
Hannah looked at me with a “Oh please, I'm about to throw up” look.
After breakfast, Hannah and I set off. Sean walked us to the door. Stupid situation.
“So...”
“Yes... um... great party.”
“Thanks... and thanks for the gifts.”
“Sure... you're welcome.”
“Well, then...”
“Are you off soon?”
“You're welcome to go ahead.”
“No way, I'll watch it later.”
I could understand that Hannah was annoyed, but slowly she started to get on my nerves.
“All right. Well, I'll be next door then.”
“Yes, I'll definitely call you later today.”
“Okay, see you then.”
“See you. Bye Hannah.”
My bed hadn't been delivered at home yet. Sleeping on the couch was also stupid because Mom and Klaus were moving boxes in and out of it. So I ended up in their bed. But I didn't care about that either. When I woke up, it was dark again. Sean hadn't gotten in touch yet. It was half past seven. Sara's car was no longer in the driveway. I thought about what Hannah had told me. They were probably out eating.
Once again, I sat around and wondered if Sean couldn't be persuaded after all. But there was nothing I could do about it anyway. I cleared out a few more boxes and then went back to sleep, barely two hours after waking up. On an air mattress that Klaus used on his camping trips. Of course, I was wide awake at four o'clock in the morning. I thought about the fact that if everything went as planned, I would be sitting with Sean in a Greyhound bus headed for L.A. in just 24 hours.
I went outside and saw Sara's car in the driveway. Everything was dark in the house. I wondered if I should sneak around the house. What was I doing? When I realized how ridiculous I was acting, I quickly went back into the house and had a cup of coffee. Normally, I would get my guitar out of the closet in situations like this. Stupid cast. So I sat around, turned on the TV and soon turned it off again, stared into space... I might as well have packed for L.A., but I wanted to avoid at all costs having to unpack my suitcases again if Sean canceled on me. And right now, I really believed that this would happen. I took a shower and later I ate some cereal. At eight Klaus came into the kitchen.
“Good morning. Well, did you survive your first night here? I hope the air mattress wasn't too uncomfortable.”
“Good morning. No, I was fine. I've been sleeping most of the last 24 hours anyway. I've been up since four...”
“Really? And what have you been doing all that time?”
“I don't know, time just kind of passed...”
“So, have you packed for your trip to L.A. yet?”
“I'm not sure if it's going to work out.”
“Why not?”
“Sean hasn't given me a hundred percent yet. He and his girlfriend probably wanted to spend the week together.”
“Oh, is the car in the driveway theirs? Well, if old man Wittmore knew. He's pretty conservative about that.”
“Hm. But Sean turned 18 yesterday, you know?”
“That's why he's still his father's son. Well, thank God that's not our concern, right?”
What did he want to tell me?
“Well, Sean is my friend, after all. And I don't think he's getting along well with his father's methods.”
“Well, that's still a fight he and his girlfriend have to fight alone, don't you think?”
“Yeah, probably...
When I still hadn't heard from him by noon, I couldn't wait any longer. After all, I still had to let a few people in L.A. know whether we were coming or not. So I decided to call over. Sara's voice boomed over the phone.
“Wittmore residence, how can I help you?”
“Uh, I...
“Sara, stop it! Give it here! Sean Wittmore.”
“Hey, it's me. I wanted to talk to you about tomorrow.”
“Yeah, I was just telling Sara about the campus tour. What do you want to know?”
“Well, whether I should tell the people now...”
“Of course, what else. Sara is also very excited about it. By the way, we can cancel the bus tickets, Sara offered to drive her car.”
“What? What's going on? What are you talking about?”
“Okay, sure, I'll do that, no problem.”
“Hello, are we talking past each other? What's the point?”
“Okay, I'll pick her up from your place in a few minutes. See you soon!”
CLICK
I couldn't believe it! He wasn't seriously planning on taking Sara with him on our trip to L.A.? I thought I was going crazy! Everyone had tried to warn me. He would never break up with Sara. It was all in vain.
DING-DONG
Klaus opened the door. I heard Sean's voice from the living room.
“Hello Mr. Kamsky, I wanted to see Jordan.”
“Hello Sean, happy belated birthday. Did you have a nice party?”
“Oh, yes of course. It was great.”
“All right, I'll go see where Jordan is. Since he came home from your place, he's been sleeping or staring into space. I hope he's not coming down with something. That would probably jeopardize your trip to L.A. So, excuse me for a moment...”
Klaus came up the stairs, on which I was now sitting. He lowered his voice.
“Jordan, why are you sitting here eavesdropping? Don't you want to go downstairs?”
“Yes, I'll go... .”
“Hey... .”
“Hey, um. Can we go to your room? I need to talk to you.”
“Sure... .”
So that was it. Now he would tell me that he can't break up with Sara, that I can either share him with her or lose him...
“Jordan, I'm sorry about how it went on the phone. I was just about to come over to you. When I told Sara about the trip, she immediately assumed that you had booked tickets for all three of us. And I tried to tell her the truth, but I didn't know how. How could I have explained to her why I really wanted to go alone with you? So I let her believe that she was part of the plan.”
“Great, and you thought I'd go along with that?”
“No, of course not. Now let me finish. The university tour is not until Thursday. And so I just had to make sure that Sara's parents came back on Wednesday. I called my father's secretary to ask her to tell Sara's mom that an important customer would like an appointment with her on Thursday morning. As a result, her parents decided to go home on Wednesday. When Sara goes home later, she'll probably already have the good news on her answering machine. And that means the trip is off for her.”
I was really creeped out by Sean. Such a well thought-out and elaborate plan just to avoid telling Sara the truth?
“Wouldn't it have been easier to just break up with her instead of going to all this trouble?” Hannah's right, you'll never break up with her...
“Don't say that, please. I promise I'll break up with her as soon as we get back from L.A. How can I prove it to you? I know, come with me!”
He took my hand and dragged me down into the kitchen, where my mom was standing at the stove and Klaus was reading his Sunday paper. Sean didn't let go of my hand.
“Mr. Kamsky, I need to talk to you, please.”
Klaus looked up from his paper and didn't seem to see anything unusual.
“Yes, of course, what is it, Sean?”
My mom caught her breath. She stood behind Klaus with her arms on his shoulders, as if she wanted to make sure she could hold him back if necessary. I saw everything in slow motion, unable to intervene myself.
“Mr. Kamsky, I respect you very much and that's why I don't want to lie to you. I'm in love with Jordan and I want to be with him.”
Suddenly he seemed to notice our joined hands. He turned ashen.
“This is a joke, right?”
“No, I'm afraid I'm serious.”
“But... you have a girlfriend, we just talked about her earlier...”
“Yes, that's right. I still have a girlfriend, but I'll break up with her after L.A. I just want to be with Jordan. I understand if they need time to get used to the idea; I felt the same way at the beginning. But I hope they can accept this fact as unchangeable and accept it soon. I respect them very much and I don't want to bring discord into their new family.”
Klaus sat there with his mouth open. Mum stood behind him and smiled proudly at Sean. After a while he had recovered enough to be able to talk.
“But I never thought... not with either of you...”
My mum intervened.
“Darling, it doesn't matter. As Sean said, it's a fact that they like each other, and these ruminations are of no use. I'm happy for my son that he has found someone who stands by him without ifs and buts.”
She came over and hugged us. Slowly, I was able to grasp what Sean had just done. He had confessed to me in front of one of his father's friends. As if he had read my thoughts, Klaus suddenly asked:
“And what about your father? I can't imagine that he knows about it. He's my boyfriend. Do you expect me to lie to him about something so important?”
“No, of course not. I'm just asking her for a little time. I want to take it one step at a time. First, I want to tell my girlfriend the truth. You don't have to lie. I don't suppose my father will ask her about it right away... .”
“Sean, I don't feel comfortable with that....
“I know, me neither. I don't like keeping secrets from him either. But you know my father. It would break his heart.”
“You're probably right. What a day. I'll have to digest this first. But I'm sure I'll get used to the idea at some point. If you're so sure. I really appreciate your honesty. Thank you.”
We crumbled up again shortly afterwards in my room.
“Wow, Sean, do you know what you just did and with so much calm and conviction!”
“Yes....
He looked pale.
“Sean, are you okay? Are you not feeling well?”
“Yeah, it's just... I can't believe it myself! Did I really just do that? I must be crazy! What if he runs to my father and...”
“Sean, he won't. You were great, he took it well, and to be honest, it was the right thing to do. Sean, I love you for it!”
“What are you saying?”
“I think I just said I love you.”
Sean looked at me suddenly very clearly and seriously.
“I love you too, Jordan Bonanno.”
That was November 1, 1997. The first time someone truly confessed his love for me.
The next morning, Sean and I were actually on the Greyhound to L.A.. Everything had gone exactly as he had predicted. We got on the bus at 4 a.m. and would arrive shortly before noon. I was looking forward to finally seeing Nikki again. Sean fell asleep shortly after we got on. His head kept falling on my shoulder. The first few times he noticed and leaned to the other side, but eventually he just stayed where he was. A few people looked over at us, some curiously and some irritated. That was something I would have to get used to. I passed the time listening to music until Sean woke up around eight.
“Hey....
“Hey, so, good sleep?”
“Not too bad. But now, oddly enough, I feel pretty rested. How long was I asleep?”
“Almost four hours. It's eight. Time for breakfast. My mom thought I was starving again and insisted on giving me cheese sandwiches and apples. Do you want some?”
“Sure, I'm kind of hungry.”
After we had almost finished eating, Sean asked me a few questions about Nikki.
“And you were together for a year and a half? How old is she?”
“She's older than me, 21. We met in the Zen Bar over three years ago, she had just moved here. At first, we were just acquaintances who occasionally had sex. After half a year, I had a really bad fight with my mom and I stayed with Nikki for a few weeks. And then I stayed most of the time.”
“So, did you love her and stuff?”
“I don't know. We were very similar, we knew exactly how the other felt and so on. But we weren't really in love with each other. It was more like family, you know?”
“And won't it be weird for you now, with her under the same roof and all?”
“The nice thing about our relationship was its simplicity. I don't think it will be weird.”
His curiosity seemed to have been satisfied. But there was still one thing I had to tell Sean.
“Listen, Nikki doesn't live alone... Josh lives with her.”
“Josh? Her boyfriend?”
“No, her son.”
I looked at Sean to see what he thought.
“Josh is not our son, just her son. He was almost a year old when I met them. He also lived with her back then. He's the reason she went to L.A. to get off drugs.”
“Okay... and you took care of him together? I mean, you were both addicted, right?”
“Yes, and I'm not saying that everything went perfectly, but until the youth welfare office got involved, the little one wasn't doing badly either. We always paid for a babysitter for him when we went out to party and do drugs. We never had anything in the apartment. Josh was very easy to take care of anyway. He never got sick and could keep himself occupied for hours. I'm not saying that it wasn't shit of us to do drugs back then, even though there was the little one, I'm just saying we did our best.”
“Okay, that's weird. You have something like an ex-stepson, that's weird...”
“Yeah, I know. And now that I'm clean too, I'd like to see him more often. I think I'll go to L.A. after school. I'd like to build a band and do some kind of training on the side. Something to do with music and media. That's why I wanted you to check out the campus there. If you study at Firebird, I'll probably hardly see you at all.”
“You've already planned quite a bit. Let's see what's happening in L.A., shall we?”
Shortly before eleven, we were already stuck in the typical Los Angeles traffic jam and didn't arrive at the Airport stop until around noon. I could tell that Sean was now nervous about meeting Nikki.
When we got off the bus, we didn't have to search for long. Nikki had already spotted us. We fell into each other's arms. She looked good. Her hair was long and blonde now. Neither of us looked like we did a year ago.
“Jeez, Jordan, you look so normal! Where are your combat boots? And your hair! Is that your natural color?”
“Yes, and look at you! You look like Barbie! But it suits you!”
“I see, and you must be Sean. Nice to meet you. Even if I am surprised. Jordan, you really could have told me earlier that you like boys. That explains a lot.”
“Really? You'll have to elaborate on that at some point. But right now, I want to see what Josh is up to. Where is he?”
“At my neighbor's. I had another job this morning. I had to drive someone very important to an even more important meeting. You wouldn't believe what I've been through with the limo in the last year. It's over there.”
The limo was really long and looked like the kind of car you see on TV.
“Hawthorne isn't far from here, so don't get too comfortable.”
Nikki actually didn't live in an apartment, but in a nice little house in an equally nice neighborhood.
“That's really... middle-class!”
“Do you think I would let my son grow up in some ghetto? And it's not that expensive. It'll be paid off in 15 years. And here comes my star!”
Josh came running out of the neighboring house and threw himself into my arms with a “Jordan!” battle cry.
“Little one! You've grown so much!”
“I'm already going to kindergarten!”
“Really? How time flies!”
“It's vacation time. Are you on vacation too?”
“Yes, we are on vacation too, that's why we are visiting you and mommy. This is my friend Sean.”
Over the next few days, we visited all the sights and Nikki gave us a tour of Beverly Hills. We strolled along Rodeo Drive, but our favorite part was Venice Beach, where all kinds of artists demonstrated their skills. We liked that, too. On Thursday, we toured the campus and the research buildings of the David Geffen School of Medicine. Sean was thrilled. He was in his element immediately and Tim, who showed us around, encouraged him to study there. That evening in bed, Sean told me that he had made up his mind. This was what he wanted. Now he just had to make his parents understand. During the whole time, we had never spoken about home. Not about Sara and not about Sean's parents. He had called them every day to prevent them from ringing the doorbell at home and finding that he was not there.
We spent a lot of time with Josh, and took him with us almost everywhere. I wasn't sure if it was because of that, but Sean avoided touching me in public. At a party one night, Nikki actually managed to snap a photo of me kissing him on the cheek. When Nikki sent it to me later, I carried it around with me in my wallet, which made Sean terribly nervous.
Our trip to L.A. is one of the most beautiful memories I have at all, even though Sean didn't even manage to hold my hand in public in this cosmopolitan city of millions where no one knew us.
On Friday morning, I said goodbye to Josh with a heavy heart and promised to come back in the summer and live close to him in the fall. He shed a tear and buried himself in his mom's arms. Nikki was also visibly depressed.
“Hey, Nikki, don't look like that, I'll be back. Take good care of my little one and of yourself too. I'm really proud of you and what you've achieved.”
“Oh, Jordan, and don't come back if you don't want to... Now go, the bus will leave without you. Sean, I'm glad I met you, now I know that my Jordi is in good hands...”
“Ew, don't call me that!”
On the way home, Sean was unusually quiet. In the last few days, he had always been very carefree and romped around with Josh. Now he stared out the window and hadn't said a word in half an hour.
“Are you all right?”
“Yeah, yeah, it's just... these have been great days. I wish we didn't have to go back yet.”
Were there actually tears in his eyes?
“Sean, I liked it too, but this was just the beginning. Once everything is settled at home, then...”
“Yeah, once everything is settled. But think about who has to settle it!”
His voice sounded quite angry.
“I'm sorry, but I'm helping you as much as I can.”
“How? Do you want to break up with Sara for me? Or give me $180,000 for medical school? How exactly can you help me, huh?”
“Sean, damn it, that's enough! None of this is my fault, so don't take it out on me, okay? I'm here for you before you talk to Sara and after. And the same goes for the conversation with your parents. That's all I can do and I feel bad enough about it already, so please….”
He seemed to understand, because he gently placed his hand on my knee.
“It's okay, I'm sorry. I'm just scared. I'm scared shitless that Sara will go to my parents for revenge if I tell her the truth. And I'm scared I won't get into UCLA. I'm scared of losing you if we live six hours apart by bus and I'm scared of living with you in L.A.. I'm just scared of everything right now...
“I know, but I guess that's the price. Look, Sara's nice. I wouldn't put it past her. And about the money: you have fantastic grades. You'll definitely get a scholarship and we can raise the rest if need be. Not every medical student has a rich father. With part-time jobs and student loans, we can manage on our own. I'm here for you, Sean. You don't have to go through anything alone anymore, I'm with you...
“Thank you. Really, I'm very grateful to you.”
He quickly kissed me on the cheek and then looked furtively in all directions.
Sean
I had only known Jordan for a few weeks, but I was sure I was in love with him. Everything seemed to be wrapped in cotton wool, nothing was really bad as long as I had him with me, and this feeling continued during the next few days in L.A. Jordan told me about Josh, which once again made me realize how much more life-experienced he was. During the few days there, I just didn't think about home. I knew I had to break up with Sara as soon as possible, to finally get it over with. We had our own room at Nikki's house. Even though we always fell into bed totally exhausted and got up early to experience as much as possible, it was still great to fall asleep next to Jordan and wake up next to him. We still talked briefly about the day and that was something I had never shared with anyone before.
The highlight was, of course, the campus. The David Geffen School of Medicine was even more amazing than I had imagined, both in teaching and research. My decision to study there was made. One thing in particular stuck in my mind. We were all together at the pier and Jordan and Josh were romping around. Nikki suddenly looked at me quite seriously and asked how Jordan was doing. What do you mean, I asked. She wanted to know if he slept well at night, if he ate regularly, if he got along with his mom, what had happened to his hand, if he was sometimes sad. I was surprised by these questions and answered them as best I could.
The return trip was pretty bad for me. I had enjoyed my time there so much and at home I would have to break up with Sara immediately. I had been putting this off for so long. For over a year. But now it was just no longer an option. And sooner or later I would have to tell my parents about my study plans. I would have to tell my friends about Jordan and me, otherwise Sara would surely do so. I couldn't hide from everyone.
Jordan
Klaus picked us up from the bus station at home. Mum had already cooked. Sean got nervous again soon. We retreated to my room.
“Everything okay? You look quite pale.”
“I agreed with Sara that I'll come to her in an hour.”
“Oh and then you want...?”
“I just want to get it over with, yeah. I still have to shower and stuff at home. You coming with me?”
“Sure.”
“Home sweet home. Come on.”
“Where?”
“In the shower.”
He dragged me up the stairs to the bathroom on the first floor. He didn't seem nervous anymore when he undressed me. I was glad to be able to do at least a little to make him feel better.
“When will your cast finally come off?”
“It'll be a few more weeks yet...”
“I'll get a bag. I'll be right back.”
After we were dry again, Sean almost had to leave.
“Will you wait for me here?”
“Here, in this house? Alone?”
“Please.”
“Sure, no problem. It's probably not that bad. Sara probably already suspects that something is wrong. And if you don't feel comfortable about it, you don't have to tell her the whole truth.”
“But I owe her that. And half of her friends already know anyway. What if she finds out from someone else? No, I'll do it today. Just be there when I come back, okay?”
“Of course. I'll be here. Take all the time you need. And if anything should come up, call, okay? I love you, Sean.”
“I know, see you soon.”
I didn't know what to do in the strange house, so I turned on the TV. After two hours, I slowly expected Sean to return. It had also become dark. Another two hours later, he still wasn't home. I wondered more and more what was happening. Before I got worked up about something, I decided it would be better to lie down. But I couldn't get to sleep. With every minute that passed, I became more and more worried. What could possibly take so long? At midnight, I gave up hope that Sean would come home at all today. I actually counted sheep. At 1255 I decided to let it be. I turned on the TV again. At one o'clock I wondered what I could do. Nothing. I couldn't call and ask when Sean would come to bed with me. And I couldn't go home either, because maybe he would come after all. It was Friday, after all, so I would be at the Zen Bar like everyone else. Wait a minute, everyone? But those two had hardly gone to the Zen Bar. Why? Sean had probably told Sara the truth right at the beginning. Unless they hadn't been alone. What if Tanja or someone else had already been with Sara? What would Sean have done then? He would have had to behave normally. That had to be it, they were in the Zen Bar, for sure. But what did this realization get me? I couldn't very well show up there. On the other hand, the others would probably be wondering where I was. But how was I supposed to get there? It used to be less than a 10-minute walk, but now it's more like 40. It would be doable, but what if Sean showed up at home in the meantime? But I really wanted to go, I couldn't stand just sitting around anymore. Klaus was my only chance. But could I ask him in the middle of the night? I decided to at least stop by home quickly and sure enough, the living room light was still on.
“Jordan, is that you?”
“Yeah, I... I need to ask you a favor...”
“Spit it out!”
“I know it's a lot to ask, but could you maybe give me a ride to the Zen Bar? I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important.”
“Sure, I can do that. But I would like to know what's going on.”
“I'll tell you in the car, okay?”
“Good.”
“So?”
“Sean went to Sara's this afternoon to break up with her. He hasn't come back yet and I just can't stand sitting around anymore. It's Friday night, I know it sounds absurd, but I think they might be at the Zen Bar. It would take me too long to walk there, and we might miss each other. So...”
“Okay, I see. Then I'll wait in the car while you see if they're there.”
“That would be great, thanks.”
Bang was standing at the entrance.
“Hey, do you know if Sean is here?”
“Yeah, the whole gang is here. I was wondering where you were. Is everything okay?”
“Actually, no, never mind. Did something happen or something?”
“No, what do you mean?”
“Can you do me a favor and get him out of here? Please?”
“Yeah, hold on, I gotta tell my colleague first.”
A few minutes later he actually came out with Sean in tow.
“Hey...
“What are you doing here?”
“I'm sorry, I couldn't stand sitting around anymore.”
“I'm glad you're here. I would have called you, but somehow... ”
“It's okay. I just needed to know you were okay. I'll be gone in a minute. Klaus is waiting in the car, I can't keep him waiting any longer.”
“You can come home with me.”
“Really?”
“Of course. Come on, let's go tell Klaus.”
“Ah, you found him.”
“Yes, so you can go, thanks again.”
“No problem. Have a nice evening.”
“So, what happened?”
“I broke up with her. She took it well and she wanted us to tell everyone together. And we did that. I thought we could maybe say the rest together?”
“Now?!”
“Why not? Most people already know anyway. Just not Willie, Lisa, Linda, Marie and Susi.”
“And Sara.”
“Of course.”
“Wait a minute, I'd like to talk to you about that.”
“What?”
“What reason did you give Sara?”
“Well, that I'm going to L.A. and she's staying here and that we won't see each other anymore. And that I'm no longer happy in the relationship. Just the truth.”
“But you didn't say that you have someone else?”
“No, not yet.”
“I don't know, it's a big difference whether you're no longer happy or you've already found someone else. That's what makes it so final.”
“But it is final. I don't want her to still have hopes.”
“Yes, you have to tell her, of course. But maybe not in front of everyone. That would make her look like the dupe in front of them.”
“I hadn't thought of it that way. What should I do?”
“Go outside with her and talk to her. I'll wait for you here. And depending on how it looks then, we can tell the others if you still want to.”
“I'm really glad you're here. Thanks. Well, let's go and join the others...”
“Hey Jordan, where did you come from all of a sudden?”
“Somehow I only just realized that it's Friday evening.”
“Sara, can we maybe go outside for a bit?”
“Sure.”
When the two of them had gone, Susi grinned.
“I knew it, now he's coming crawling back. He probably just wanted to finally get Sara to sleep with him. Oh, Jordan, you didn't even realize it. Sean broke up with Sara today.”
“I know that. We were just in L.A. together, remember?”
“Ah, so that's where he cooked this up. Then you probably also know what he's trying to achieve?”
“What he's trying to achieve, what's that supposed to mean? He just doesn't want to be with Sara anymore. He realized that's not what he wants. What else could he be trying to achieve?”
“Well, we'll see.”
“Indeed.”
Tanja kept looking at me in disbelief.
“Come on!”
“What?”
She dragged me outside by the arm.
“You must be very pleased with yourself.”
“What do you mean?”
“You've done it. He's broken up with Sara. So what happens now? Are you his girlfriend?”
“I really don't need to listen to this.”
“Yes, you do. Sara is totally devastated. And Sean will be too soon if someone finds out about you two.”
“Well, first of all, Sean said that Sara took it well... .”
“Yes, of course. She won't tell him that to his face, but she will tell me!”
“Anyway, what do you mean, if someone finds out? Sean wants to tell you all the truth later. Why do you think he wanted to talk to Sara again?”
“You're not serious, are you?”
“Yes...
Her look was really frightening.
“Where are they?”
“I don't know, around the block or something, hey, where are you going?”
“He can't just blurt it out like that. That'll do her in.”
“Just wait for me!”
She jogged around the next street corner. I caught up with her soon.
“What are you planning?”
“To stop him from telling her, if he hasn't already.”
“But why?”
“Don't you get it? She was so upset today that she's capable of anything. And if she also finds out that he cheated on her with a guy. That's insane. And who knows what she'll do then.”
Suddenly we heard shouting from somewhere ahead of us.
“That must be them, then it'll be too late.”
We saw them around the next corner.
“Don't touch me! You're a pervert!”
“Just calm down!”
“No, oh my God, your poor family! Haven't they been through enough? Do you have to do this to them too?”
“Leave my family out of this!”
“Little Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes is a fag, well that'll end your father's political career!”
“Not if no one finds out.”
“Oh, so you're a cowardly fag, are you? This just gets better and better! How could you do this to me? To think I almost slept with you! Disgusting!”
“Now that's enough. Sara, damn it. What difference does it make?”
“Should we ask your father what difference it makes?”
“Don't you dare!”
“Oh, now you're scared, huh? Mr. Wittmore, your son has found himself a junkie lover!”
“Don't call him that!”
“Oh, are you defending your new girlfriend now?”
“Damn it, Sara, how can you be like that?”
“How can you be like this? I never want to see you again and when I've told the gang, you won't need to come back.”
“Sara, you can't do that, stay here!”
“Or what?”
“Please, think!”
Sean spoke urgently to her.
Tanja and I had pushed ourselves into a niche and had seen everything without being noticed. I felt so damn sorry for Sean. The desperation and pure panic were written all over his face. And all because of me. It was all my fault. Tanja, who I had completely forgotten, whispered something to me.
“Now you see what you've done? Jordan, you're crying.”
“I'm so sorry. I didn't want any of this to happen. I just wanted Sean to be okay. I love him so much. I didn't see any of this coming. I just want him to be happy. What am I going to do, Tanja?”
“I know you didn't mean it to happen. Jordan, shhhh! They'll hear us. Stop crying, come on.”
I tried to pull myself together.
“Best I just disappear back into the hole from which I crawled. Tell Sean that I'm sorry. And tell the others that it was my fault. Sean was just... confused, but now everything is back to normal. I just want him to be okay. He's better off without me.”
“Wait, where are you going?”
At that moment, the sound of a resounding slap was heard, causing Tanja to come out of her hiding place and run to the two of them. What had happened? Sean hadn't hit Sara, had he? He would never do that.
“Damn it, Tanja, what are you doing here?”
“I thought... I thought you had hit Sara.”
“Well, you thought wrong and would you please leave us alone now?”
“But why, she can stay here. You know, Tanja, Sean fucks Jordan. You're amazed, aren't you?”
“I know...”
“Excuse me?”
“Sean, your lip is bleeding. Sara, I saw them together last week, that's how I know.”
“And you didn't tell me about it?”
“It was Sean's job to tell you about it. Otherwise I would have only made it worse. Sara, there's nothing you can do about it and it's not your fault. Do you want me to take you home? You can also sleep at my place if you want.”
“Yes, I can't stand it here anymore. Let's go.”
“I'll be right behind you, I'll at least give Sean some tissues. You can get our things out of Zen.”
For some reason, I stayed in the alcove even after Sara had left and listened to what happened next.
“Here, this is bleeding quite a bit.”
“Thanks. I don't mean the tissues. It's good that you were there. I didn't know what else to do.”
“Are you sure?”
“What do you mean?”
“Are you sure that the whole Jordan thing is worth all this?”
“I've never been so sure of anything in my life.”
“So you don't regret it? Wouldn't you rather he just disappeared so you could blame everything on him and get on with your life?”
“No, of course not, that would be the worst thing that could happen. I... I love him, you see? I never expected something like this myself, but that's just the way things are. As long as I know I'm doing it for us, I'll get through this shit. Why are you asking me all this?”
“Because I think he needed to hear that. He's hiding back there in the entrance. I'm going now. One more thing: I've been friends with you since elementary school. And I'll continue to be your friend, okay?”
“Thanks, Tanja.”
Sean approached my alcove slowly. By now I was sitting on the floor.
“Jordan...
“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault.”
“No, it's not. The way Sara behaved is entirely her fault. And I'm so glad I found you, so don't ever apologize for us again. We love each other, there's no need to be ashamed of that. Come here. You look terrible.”
“Your lip doesn't look good either. She really got you there.”
“She finally showed her true colors. I'll never be able to forgive her for what she said. ... We should go to Zen. She's probably already told the others everything. That's fine with me. I'm going to find out who my real friends are now.”
He looked quite determined.
The whole gang was standing at the entrance, apparently they all wanted to go home. Sara and Tanja were standing there too. But it didn't look like they had already dropped the bombshell. Susi was the first to speak again.
“Sean, what happened to your lip?”
“Nothing, I must have bitten it...”
“So, you bit it. Not really, I gave it a smack.”
“What, why did you do that?”
By now everyone was listening.
“Well? Do you want to, or should I?”
Tanja dragged Sara a few meters away.
Hannah came over to me and took my arm.
“The moment of truth, huh?”
Alex also looked for my gaze.
Sean stood very erect and looked straight at his friends.
“She slapped me because I told her I was in love with someone else.”
“What? With who?”
“With Jordan.”
“Did you all hear that, yeah? Willie, Alex, watch out!”
“Sara, don't be ridiculous.”
“If anyone's being ridiculous here, it's you and your lover, of course.”
“Actually, I don't care what you think about it, I just wanted you to know.”
Susi was visibly shocked.
“That's a bit much for me now... That's... yuck.”
Alex let go of her hand.
“So you think my brother is... yuck too? Good to know.”
“I didn't mean it like that, I... ”
“All right, save it. I don't give a damn who Sean falls in love with or sleeps with, and you guys shouldn't care either. What's your problem?”
Willie was quite red in the face, for a moment I thought he was about to hit one of us. Then he walked away without saying a word.
“Honey, wait!”
With that, Tanja ran after her boyfriend. Linda just said that she and the other girls had to go home now. Sara went with them, not without giving us another disgusted look. Only Hannah, Alex, Susi, Sean and I remained. It all seemed rather unreal to me.
“So what now?”
Sean looked questioningly at his friends' faces. Alex looked quite confident.
“You have to give them a little time, it'll be alright. Telling the truth was the right thing to do. And a true friend is happy for you.”
“But what about Sara?”
“She'll calm down too, I'm sure.”
“I don't think so. The things she said and the look in her eyes when she hit me...”
“It doesn't sound like Sara at all.”
“I know, Susi, I'm totally shocked myself.”
“Will someone take me home?” Hannah asked.
Everyone answered at the same time, ”Of course.”
So we headed towards Hannah's apartment. Susi seemed puzzled.
“Why isn't anyone asking any questions? Am I the only one who's surprised?”
“Hannah and I already knew.”
“What? How long?”
“For a while...”
“Wonderful. Any more secrets?”
Sean grinned.
“Well, I've decided to go to UCLA Medical School after school.”
“And what does your father say?”
“We'll see.”
“He doesn't know anything about anything, does he?”
“No, but I'll talk to my parents about going to medical school when they come home.”
“And that you're gay...?
“First of all, I don't think I'm gay. Jordan is the only guy I'm interested in. And I think after today, enough people know that for the time being. I'll take more time with my parents, or what do you think, Jordan?”
“Absolutely.”
“Okay, but you guys are together now?”
Sean looked at me.
“What do you say?”
“Are you asking me out?”
“Something like that. I can also give you a note at school with options to check off if you prefer.”
“If I said no now, it would have been a lot of fuss about nothing, huh?”
“Indeed. So you better not say no.”
“Then I guess we're together now.”
Sean smiled at me, then took my hand. So we walked on.
“Just for the record, it's now Saturday, November 8th. So you know when to celebrate your anniversary.”
“Thank you, Hannah. What would we do without you?”
Sean
Soon after we got home, I went to Sara's. We went up to her room and sat down. She didn't give me a kiss hello. Of course, I didn't know how to start. Then she asked me point blank.
“Are you breaking up with me?”
Yes, I said, and that I wanted to explain it to her. I had decided to study in L.A. and she would stay here. So we wouldn't see each other anymore anyway, and a long-distance relationship was out of the question for me. She asked me if I wasn't happy with her anymore. I lowered my eyes, which was answer enough for her. I had expected tears or anger, but instead she resigned.
“All right, as you wish. But we'll tell the clique together. Tanja will be over soon and then we're going to Zen. I want us to tell them together that we've decided to call it quits.”
I agreed. Of course, I couldn't just quickly call Jordan to let him know. Sara's dad called me downstairs; he was trying his hand at being a handyman again and wanted to move the fridge to get to the pipes behind it. Tanja came soon after and went upstairs to Sara. After half an hour, Sara's dad dismissed me again. The girls were just wondering what to wear.
At Zen, we told everyone that we were no longer together and Sara emphasized that this was a mutual separation. Susi, in particular, was visibly shocked, but eventually the evening went on as normal. I wondered if I could maybe slip away to call Jordan. Everything had gone so well, I just wanted to continue in the same way and tell the others about us. In retrospect, that seems pretty naive. Anyway, I remembered that Jordan would have to walk, and that would take about 45 minutes, so I dismissed the idea. At some point, the bouncer came up to me and said that Jordan was waiting outside. Perfect.
Luckily, Jordan didn't quite share my enthusiasm.
Then I went outside with Sara to tell her. The things she called me and the way she looked at me with such disgust, and then she punched me in the face with full force. She was like a fury and in that moment I knew that I would never tell anyone again unless I absolutely had to.
When I saw Jordan sitting on the floor in the entrance niche, totally convinced that it was all his fault and he was totally desperate, I realized what Nikki might have meant. He seemed too upset, but I didn't think about it any further. I had to get to Sara first. She was already with the others and wouldn't hesitate to tell them about it. I was really glad that at least Hannah and Alex already knew. Susi was shocked, Willie disgusted. The others didn't react at all.
Jordan
When we came back to Sean's house, it was already late, but Sean didn't look any more tired than I did. He sat down on the couch and gestured for me to sit with him.
“I think we should talk.”
“Sure. What do you want to talk about?”
“About us. I mean, we've only known each other for two months and we've only been talking for a month. Everything has happened pretty fast and it's been a constant up and down. I just want to talk to you about everything in peace for a change.”
“Aren't you a little late for that? I mean, you just broke up with your girlfriend because of me.”
“No, I was planning on breaking up with her before I even met you. Of course, what happened between us was the reason to finally get it over with. But I just feel like you and I have been fighting for what we wanted all this time, but we never asked ourselves, or at least I never asked myself, if this is really what I want.”
“You're scaring me, Sean.”
“No, don't be afraid. I just don't want to slip back into something that, before I know it, has gone so far that I no longer have a choice. I want to make my choice consciously this time and not just let myself be drawn into something, do you understand?”
“I think so. I mean, all of this is incredible. If someone had told me about it two months ago, I would have thought they were crazy.”
“Exactly. And I would like to finally process that. I have so many questions for you.”
“Go ahead!”
“Well, for example: are you gay?”
“Whether I... I don't know. I think you're great. Physically, too. I've had really good nights with you. But I don't go around checking out guys or anything. I'm really into women, you know?”
“Yes, obviously. With over 40 conquests... That leads me to my next question: I asked you about the number of women you've slept with. But what about guys? Do you have any experience with them?”
“No, not at all. I kissed one guy when I was 14. Just out of curiosity. But nothing else.”
“So you weren't prepared for that to happen? At my first party, I mean.”
“No, of course not. Did you get the impression that I planned it?”
“I wasn't sure. I mean, you didn't really hesitate. And even afterwards, you weren't freaked out or anything.”
“Oh yes, really, I was totally shocked. It wasn't quite as bad for me as it was for you, because I didn't have to deal with the burden of keeping a secret from a friend. It was a surprise, but it wasn't necessarily a bad surprise. But now it's my turn to ask.”
“Yes...?
“Well... that night. How do you think it would have gone if Sara hadn't suddenly stood in the door? I mean, what was going through your mind, what were you planning?”
“I've thought about that too. I think I would have run away. That's why I got dressed.”
“But why?”
“Are you kidding? That was the most intense thing I've ever experienced. And not just physically. I just knew in that moment that it was more. Not just a drunken mistake. The week before, I knew we would become friends. But I didn't expect it to go in that direction, not until you let go of me so abruptly. It was only then that I realized that I don't just want you to comfort me. And then you kissed me. And I was so glad about it. All these feelings came over me. And you looked at me as if I were the most fascinating thing you'd ever seen. And everything just felt so right, everything happened all by itself. And then it was suddenly over and reality hit me. There I was, completely naked in bed with another guy. I panicked. It all seemed like a movie, it couldn't be true. But it was real. And when I realized that you would expect me to talk about it or something, I just wanted to get away. Pretend like nothing happened. Pretty cowardly, I know.”
“Is that why you weren't at school?”
“Yes, and I panicked when you were standing there with the homework. At that point, I already knew that everything would change. I was already lost, I couldn't fool myself. The following weekend at the zen bar, I wanted to make one last attempt to prove to myself that I could also decide against it. I ignored you as much as I could. You know how it went from there. And the next day, when you told us your story... Jordan, that was... incredible. From then on, I was sure that you and I belonged together. But the price was so high. I didn't want to betray Sara. I thought that if we were just friends, it would be best for everyone. But every time I looked at you, I wanted to kiss you. I couldn't do that yet, especially because of Sara. I was such an idiot. And then you ran away and I was so scared. Jordan, since that night I know that I love you. I know that you are the one person for me. I'm sure of it. I know we didn't know each other well yet, but I just knew.”
“I know. I felt the same way. I didn't even recognize myself. Normally, I don't claim ownership of people. But seeing you with Sara was almost unbearable. I'm glad that's over now.”
“Yeah, me too. And to put it in Susi's words... Are we together now?”
“What does being together mean? I mean, will you introduce me to everyone as your boyfriend? Are we supposed to go to the spring formal together? Are we supposed to walk around holding hands?”
“No, of course not....
“Then what does being together mean?”
“I don't know either. It means that I don't want to date anyone else. And that I ask you first what you want to do on the weekend... things like that.”
“I'd say we avoid pigeonholing. We'll always be honest with each other, be there for each other, have fun together, let no one come between us and love each other. Don't try to put what we have into a box, okay?”
“Okay. I just have one more question.”
“Yes?”
“Isn't it weird for you at all, I mean, making out with me instead of a girl?”
“Of course it's unusual, but I like it. And I don't have a guilty conscience or anything like that, if that's what you're getting at. How about you?”
“Sometimes I do have... feelings of guilt. Or I think about what most people would think of us if they could see us. My parents also go to church and stuff. I was raised Catholic. I think about things like that too...”
“Seriously? No, I don't feel that way at all. I'm at peace with my conscience in this regard. We're not doing anything to anyone. So why should this God object to it? I know that various religious groups do object, but they're all nuts. I realize we'll run into problems if we show what we have in public, but frankly, I've never been particularly interested in what others think of me.”
“Enviable. It will take a long time before I am ready to do that…”
“But you told Klaus the truth and all your friends, that was the beginning…”
“Jordan, don't push me to go further. I will never be able to be completely open about it, and certainly not while I'm still living here in this backwater.”
“But how do you imagine that? We can't just hide at home forever.”
“No, but that doesn't mean we have to be so obvious about our relationship.”
“Okay, I don't know how you imagine it, but it doesn't have to be resolved today. We should think about getting some sleep.”
“Yes, you're right, let's go upstairs.”
Sean
Until our big talk, I had assumed that he had been with guys before, but I was quite surprised when he told me that I was the first. We finally talked about how we felt and I realized that Jordan felt the same way I did. Except for the fact that he couldn't seem to wait to tell the whole world about us, whereas after the events of the day, I would have rather never told anyone again. Anyway, I considered us to be a couple from that day on. I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but think in terms of labels.
Jordan
The next day, we decided not to go to the others in the Zen, but rather to spend the evening at Sean's. We dug out the dustiest videos from his collection and soon no longer paid attention to the plot of Waterworld, but were completely focused on each other.
“Wait, Jordan, not down here. Let's go upstairs.”
“Why? Your parents won't be back until tomorrow afternoon.”
“Still, I feel better upstairs.”
“Okay... if you say so, come on.”
I pulled him impatiently up the stairs to his room and onto his bed. When I wanted to unfasten his belt, he held me back.
“Wait.”
“What is it?”
“Do you want to do it right this time?”
“You mean...”
“Yes.”
“I don't know, I mean, sure I want it. But I don't want to ask you to do something I wouldn't do myself. And I'm not ready for that yet. That's why I think we should take our time with this. I mean, I like what we're doing. Don't you?”
“Yes, I completely agree with you. I just wanted to make sure you didn't lack that or something.”
“No, and when I'm ready, I'll let you know. So come here, I wanted to return the favor for what you did on your birthday.”
“But don't feel pressured. It's really... whoa woooooah... .”
It wasn't as strange as I had imagined.
Afterwards, Sean looked at me with total bliss and pulled me into his arms. So we fell asleep.
“Good morning, Jordan. I thought you'd never wake up. It's almost twelve.”
“Really? I slept like a log.”
“Yes, my arm fell asleep, but you didn't let it go. You look so peaceful when you sleep, I could have watched you all day, but I don't know exactly when my parents will be back. So we'd better go to your place soon.”
On Monday morning, we walked to school together.
“Have you told your parents about Sara?”
“Yes. They weren't thrilled and couldn't understand it. But they probably have no choice but to respect my decision.”
“How do you think the others are behaving?”
“I don't know. I don't think we should show up together, at least not until the dust settles.”
“Fine, then we'll just spend the breaks together.”
“But if there are already rumors circulating, then we'd better not be seen together...”
“What are you getting at? Should we just disappear into thin air? ... Oh, no, I should just disappear into thin air, huh?”
“Jordan, I just want to see what the situation is first. Maybe you could just keep your distance...”
Anger welled up inside me. Here we go again. But I also tried to understand Sean. And I was actually used to not having anything to do with anyone.
“Fine, but see that you sort things out quickly, yeah?”
“I'll do my best.”
I didn't talk to anyone for the rest of the day. And it went on like that for the rest of the week. Sean told me that the girls in particular were pretty angry with him, some kind of female solidarity thing. Sara actually tried to get back with him. When he told her exactly what he thought of her, it didn't exactly improve the mood among his friends. Willie seemed to be giving him a hard time too. He announced that if Sean and I were ever seen together, he would quit the clique. Well, it would apparently take a while before I could end my lonely school existence... I wondered why Hannah, at least, didn't eat with me or something.
On Thursday at lunch time, I was sitting in a corner of the cafeteria again, watching Sean with his friends.
“Have the yuppie clique rejected you?”
In front of me stood a girl from the grade below me, who was always dressed completely in black and overdid it with the eye makeup. In short: a year ago, I would have been totally into her. She sat down across from me and helped herself to my food.
“So, what happened? Have the rich kids already had enough of you?”
“I don't think that's any of your business.”
“I hit the mark, huh? And now you're sitting here alone? Why don't you find yourself some real friends?”
“Do you like my food?”
“No meat, I like that. I like you. You're one of us, not one of them.”
“And who's 'us'?”
“My people. They're sitting over there. If you want to join us, just come over.”
She pointed to a group of about eight people, all of whom looked more or less like her.
“I don't think so.”
“Whatever. You can sit there alone, of course, and wait for the snobs to let you kiss their ass again.”
“Don't talk about people you don't even know and leave me alone.”
“Wow, you really like people, huh? Or do you like someone in particular?”
“Just go back to your I'm-so-different friends.”
“Gladly. At least they don't drop me like a hot potato after a month. Why do you keep defending them?”
“As if you really cared. I know people like you. You don't like anyone, least of all yourself.”
“All right, you're really getting worked up. What's going on?”
“Nothing, I just want to eat in peace, is that possible?”
“Okay, I'm gone. But if you ever need someone to talk to, come over.”
At least I never had to make the journey home alone. From then on, Sean and I were inseparable again.
“Willie just can't seem to calm down. And Sara keeps talking about her new lover, I'm sure she made him up. But tomorrow we'll find out.”
“Tomorrow?”
“Yeah, Willie's birthday party.”
“Oh, I see. Then I probably can't count on your company tomorrow night, huh?”
“I'm sorry, but I really have to go. Otherwise Willie will hold that against me, too.”
“It's not a problem. I'm slowly getting used to being the leper again.”
“Jordan, you're not that. Alex and Hannah ask about you every day.”
“Really? That's strange, I'm only five tables away, why don't they ask me themselves?”
“You know that right now would just mean stress.”
“Yes, and that would be very inconvenient for you, huh?”
“I understand that you're angry, but right now there's no other way.”
“All right, forget it.”
The next day, I had another visitor at my corner table. Purple strands had appeared in the black hair overnight.
“What are you doing tonight?”
“What?”
“A friend of mine is celebrating her birthday. Stop by, what do you have to lose? Or do you already have plans?”
“No, but...”
“See? Where do you live? I'll pick you up.”
“I don't think so. Give me the address, I'll think about it.”
“Cotton Drive. I think it's number 56, but you'll hear that later. Don't be surprised, my girlfriend's parents are filthy rich. And you can see that from the house. But the people there are cool.”
“Whatever...
“So I'll see you tonight.”
“Maybe.”
She looked deep into my eyes and then left. This could still be interesting...
Sean wasn't at our usual meeting place after school, so I went home alone. He didn't show up again the whole rest of the afternoon. I didn't see why I should sit at home all evening waiting for him to exercise enough diplomacy with his so-called friends. I might as well go to this ominous party. And so I did. At around ten I was standing in front of a huge house with columns and everything. I heard music coming from somewhere behind the house. Just as I was about to go through the garden towards the noise, she was back and dragged me towards the front door.
“Wrong party. The cool people are celebrating in the basement. Come on.”
In a small room in the basement, ten people were sitting in a circle, smoking pot. Wonderful, so that was their idea of a party.
“Hey guys, Jordan's here.”
Everyone raised their hand in greeting and continued puffing on the three joints that were in circulation.
“So, what do you want to drink?”
“I don't know, what do you have?”
“Look around you.”
Beer and wine, that was all.
“I think I'll have some wine... What's your name, anyway?”
“Summer.”
“How fitting...”
“I hate my parents for it.”
“I can understand that.”
We sat down in a circle.
“So, who's birthday is it?”
A green-haired girl sitting across from me raised her hand.
“Well, happy birthday then...”
“Thanks...”
Somehow no one said anything, no music was playing either, and everyone was staring at the floor a meter in front of them, just waiting for a joint to come their way.
From the right, one was handed to me, which I simply passed on.
“You don't smoke?”
“I've given it up.”
For a while I just sat there. But at some point the silence became really uncomfortable for me, so I tried to start a conversation.
“So, I thought I heard music from the garden earlier on, or was it next door?”
“Minnie's twin brother is celebrating upstairs.”
“I see. And I don't suppose you want to merge the parties?”
“Why would we want to do that?”
“Right.”
“And your friends don't talk much, do they?”
“They only talk when they have something to say. I like that.”
“And what are you going to do all evening?”
“Well, just hang around and smoke pot to celebrate.”
“All right. You know, I just remembered that I promised someone else I'd stop by. Well, I hope you have fun. See you.”
And just like that, I was on my way back upstairs. Summer had caught up with me at the front door.
“Wait, I know we seem weird at first glance, but stay a little longer, they'll warm up to you.”
“Maybe so, but I really have to go now.”
“Then I'll come with you.”
“Excuse me? Your girlfriend is celebrating her birthday down there, you can't just leave.”
“They won't even notice. So where are you going now?”
“Home.”
“That's boring. Come upstairs with me.”
“What?!”
“Come on, we could go to Minnie's room and have our own party. What do you think?”
“Um, thanks for the offer, but... no.”
“Why not?”
“I don't know you at all.”
“Then we'll just get to know each other.”
She threw herself at me and stuck her tongue down my throat. A door opened behind us. Hannah was standing there.
“Oops, I just want to go to the bathroom... Jordan! What are you doing here?”
“He's with me.”
“Summer, cut the crap! What are you doing here?”
“What do you think I'm doing at Willie's birthday party?”
“That's... Oh fuck. I didn't know that. I was just about to leave anyway.”
“Wait, so what are you doing here?”
“I was at the party in the basement.”
“Really? Minnie's goth friends getting high again? How did you end up in there?”
“Like I said, I brought him here. Now go to the bathroom, Hannah.”
“I'm getting out of here.”
“But why? Why don't you go see your old friends?”
“Summer, you have no idea, so don't. Did you bring me here on purpose or what?”
The living room door opened again. Willie would be standing there in a moment and then there would be real trouble. I turned around to the front door to be able to escape quickly.
“Jordan? What are you doing here?”
That was Sean!
“Jeez, you scared me. Summer invited me, I didn't know Willie had a twin sister. I thought it was a different party. I'm almost gone.”
“Oh, okay, I'll come out with you.”
“Me too.”
“Summer... do we have to?”
“Let's walk a bit?”
“Sure.”
“I meant Jordan....
“He's here with me, so I'm coming with him.”
“Really?”
“Summer, what's going on?”
“What, we kissed, after all!”
“You stuck your tongue in my mouth, that's not what I call kissing.”
“I didn't even know you knew each other.”
“We don't.”
“Hey, we've already had dinner together twice!”
“You sat down with me without being asked and ate my stuff away...”
“Anyway, I invited you and you came, didn't you?”
“That's right.”
“Okay, and can you leave now?”
“Sean, charming as always. No wonder Sara dumped you!”
“I broke up with her, okay?!”
“Of course. Whatever you say.”
“Damn it, I don't care, you'll just stay here. Jordan, I'm sorry I didn't get back to you this afternoon. I drove straight here with Willie and helped him with the preparations. I thought I might be able to talk to him about everything again.”
“What about?”
“That's none of your business, stay out of it. Anyway, he's still not nearly calm. Every time I even come close to the subject, he gets red spots on his face.”
“And what do you want to do? I mean, it can't go on like this forever.”
“No, I'll think of something, but I need a little more time, okay?”
“I don't really have a choice, do I? But I really hate it.”
“What's going on? Why all the secrecy?”
“Listen, Summer, can you just go back, please?”
“Why?”
“Just go!”
“No, I'm staying here unless you can give me a reason.”
“All right. Jordan, I hate this too, but what can I do? Tell me!”
“I don't know, I... I, man, Summer, go away!”
“It's all right, Jordan, I know. Come here.”
Sean took my hand.
“Summer, I'm going to kiss my friend goodbye and if you tell anyone about this, your parents will have the photos of your last crash the next day, okay?”
Sean's kisses just got better and better.
“Come home with me.”
“I can't do that yet, but I'll definitely sleep at your place. I'll be there soon, okay? A party's not a party without you.”
He gave me another kiss on the nose and went back to the house. I watched him go, full of admiration. This guy really had done it to me.
“Rad.”
Summer, of course, was still there.
“Save it, okay?”
“What should I save?”
“No matter what. It's best just not to say anything.”
“But I wasn't going to say anything! I'm just surprised, that's all. That explains why you didn't want to go upstairs with me... But Sean? Couldn't you have picked someone nice?”
“Sean is the nicest guy I know, he always wants to please everyone.”
“Are we talking about the same person? Ever since I've known him, and that's practically forever, he and Willie have always been lousy to us. Daddy's darling and model student. And he has a thing for boys. I find that very amusing. What does his father say about it? Of course he doesn't know about anything, does he? Sean has always been good at keeping things from Daddy. Man, this is the best day of my life, I finally have something on him!”
“Are you crazy? Is that all you can say?”
“Actually, yes.”
“You're worse than Sara.”
“Oh, that's why she broke up with me, she found out that her great Sean likes boys...”
“No, he broke up with me. Why am I still talking to you?”
“Just wait. All right, I won't say anything more. I just don't like Sean very much, but I like you. And it doesn't bother me that you're with guys. But why with Sean, of all people? He's like that annoying big brother I luckily never had.”
“What should I say to that?”
“Maybe you could just tell me what happened? Why is everyone avoiding you?”
She walked me home and I actually told her pretty much the whole story.
“Wow, so you guys are really serious, huh?”
“I think so, yeah. At least I am, anyway.”
“So there's no way I can get you into bed?”
“I'm afraid it wouldn't be any use. I really have a crush on the guy.”
“He shouldn't pay so much attention to his so-called friends. Willie is a real jerk. And if Sara really said all that, then she really deserved to be dumped.”
“So, this is where I live.”
“Oh, so you're one of the rich kids too?”
“The house belongs to my mom's boyfriend. I've only been living here for a short time.”
“Well, I'll go back to the others then.”
“Thanks for the ride.”
“Anytime. So I'll see you in the cafeteria on Monday.”
“Probably. Good night.”
“Night.”
I left the key under the mat and went to bed. Somehow I was glad to have someone who wasn't friends with Sean but only with me. I fell asleep relatively quickly and only woke up when it was already getting light. Sean was lying close beside me. I turned to him and kissed him on the forehead. He opened his eyes.
“Hey, I didn't want to wake you.”
“It's okay, I was already awake. I was thinking about last night. Willie has been my friend for so long and I've never been bothered by his stubbornness before. But now he really should start to change. And the girls, especially Susi and Linda, are constantly interfering. I've tried to explain to them that I've wanted to break up with Sara before, and also that it's not just you know... something between us, but something... you know, something big.”
I smiled at him.
“Something huge!”
“I just don't know what else to do anymore.”
“Maybe there's something I can do?”
“I've been thinking about that too. Maybe you could talk to Susi so she can get to know you and see why I fell in love with you.”
“Oh Sean... I think she just doesn't like me, I can't change that, but I'll try to make her understand that we didn't mean to hurt anyone and that you can't choose who you fall in love with.”
“That would be great. So, now to your new friend. Summer, huh?”
“Yes, I know she's a pain in the neck. But I'm glad of any company. And she doesn't judge me for being with you. She doesn't understand how I can like this mean guy though...”
“Summer and Minnie have always driven Willie and me to white heat, you know the story. They wanted to be everywhere and know everything, and if you didn't let them, they would spy on us and tell on us. Deep down, we are something like friends, if only because we have been through so much together, but of course I would never admit that.”
“I see. Well, her friends are really very strange, but I think I'll get along with her just fine. Eating alone is unhealthy, I've heard.”
“Well then, but no more foreign tongues in your mouth, okay?”
“I should hope not. She caught me off guard there.”
At last Sean showed something like jealousy. I liked that. Now we really were together.
We spent the rest of the weekend at my place. We helped my mom with the cooking. I was even allowed to stir something from time to time. Sean and I both didn't really know how to deal with each other when Klaus and mom were around. At some point Klaus brought up the subject.
“Listen, you two. Carol and I know how you feel. In the office, we also have to keep our distance from clients. It can be quite awful. And you have to go through it at school. You don't have to pretend here, okay?”
Sean and I looked at each other in amazement. We were both relieved. From then on, we no longer had to refrain from little gestures now and then. At least not at my house.
Of course I didn't talk to Susi on Monday. How could I have done that? She was, as always, in the middle of the action. I sat down at Summer's table.
“Hey! Glad you could make it to our table!”
Everyone raised their hand again in greeting.
Summer soon engaged me in a conversation about conspiracy theories. Every now and then, someone from the others would even have something to add. The people were strange, but I felt comfortable with them.
Somehow it became common that Sean and I had no contact at school, but instead hung out all the time the rest of the time. At some point I stopped asking how the diplomacy was going. Only on the weekends was it difficult at first. I didn't want to be seen in Zen, but even Summer and the others went there from time to time when they got bored of their basement. My cast came off and it was December. Finally, I could play the guitar again, even though my fingers were still a bit stiff at first. My mom and Klaus finally had a wedding date. On New Year's Eve. 60 people were invited, most of them from Klaus' side, of course. But at some point, Mom knocked on my door when Sean and I were studying math. My grades weren't that bad anymore.
“Hey, am I interrupting something?”
“No, of course not. What's up?”
“I wanted to talk to you about the guest list. I'll be inviting my parents, of course.”
“Yes, I guess that's unavoidable.”
“Unfortunately. Anyway, I was also thinking that it would be a good opportunity for you to see your father again.”
“Are you serious? Anthony at your wedding? Why would you want to put yourself through that?”
“We were at his wedding too...”
“That was 15 years ago! And it was pretty much the most horrible day of your life. What are you trying to achieve, Mum?”
“The Bonannos are family. They should be there.”
“Wait, you're not planning on inviting the whole clan, are you?”
“No, of course not. Just your grandparents, your uncle and your brothers.”
“Mom, don't call them that. I've only met them once in my entire life.”
“Listen, I want them there. And I want to show your father that I haven't completely messed you up. You're fine again and I want him to know that. Now end of discussion.”
And she was gone.
“What was that about? I've never seen your mom be so... authoritarian.”
“Not for a long time, either. Man, what's the point of that?”
“What's so bad about meeting relatives? Aren't you looking forward to seeing your dad?”
“Anthony is an asshole. Smooth as an eel and only out for himself. He'd rather just cross me off the list anyway. When I was five, he got married and started his model family. An Italian woman, three sons, his parents must be so proud of him. My mom and he grew up next to each other. Sandbox love. When she was not even 15, she got pregnant, and his parents insisted that she move away. As devout Catholics as they were, they didn't want the neighbors to know about the sins of their eldest. He often visited us until it came out that he already had a new girlfriend. Then he got married and from then on I only saw the monthly check from him. Well, and when he found out about my drug problem, he actually wanted to take me to live with him, since my mother had failed. I was with him for exactly two weeks, then he sent me back. Now and then he called, but since I came to the clinic, I haven't heard from him. And that's a good thing.”
“I didn't realize how young your mom must have been, I never thought about it. But if she wants to invite him, there's probably nothing you can do about it, right?”
“I don't think he's coming anyway. But we'll see on New Year's Eve. Say, Klaus has definitely invited your parents, hasn't he? I haven't seen either of them around the house or anything. So I guess I'll get to meet them then?”
“Why, you're invited this week too, aren't you?”
“What, not that I know of, when?”
“Yes, of course. Wednesday is my mother's birthday. My sisters are coming and we're having a small dinner. Klaus has always been there, so I don't think it will be different this year. I'll ask your mom.”
And just like that, he was gone. When he still hadn't come back after 10 minutes, I went to check on him. The two of them were sitting at the kitchen table, engrossed in conversation. Unfortunately, they noticed me.
“Hey, are you eavesdropping on us?”
“Why? Do you have something to hide?”
“No, I was just explaining to Sean why I think it would be good if you reconnected with your father.”
“Do you think that not having a male role model is why I'm gay?”
“Jordan, don't be ridiculous! But you need money for L.A. and your father should also see what you've become. I haven't told him that you're clean yet. I wanted to wait until I was sure. He was very worried about you...”
“Don't make me laugh. Do what you want, but I'm not going to kiss his ass for the sake of the money. So, goodbye.”
“Where are you going?”
“Saturday night, Sean, where do you think I'm going? I'm hiding in Minnie's basement so your friends don't have to think about you doing it with boys.”
“You still haven't worked that out?”
My mom looked pretty annoyed. Sean should deal with this all by himself.
Sean
At some point in early December, the date was set for Klaus and Carol's wedding, and the idea arose to invite Jordan's father and family. I thought it was exciting, but Jordan thought it was a very, very bad idea. He told me about his dad quite angrily. He felt abandoned, I could tell. I decided to talk to his mom about it. She confirmed my impression. What had hit him the hardest was that he had moved in with his father for a while a few years ago, but was thrown out after a few weeks.
Jordan
I went to the outside staircase that led to the basement. Summer and Minnie were the only ones there. They were putting on their makeup.
“Hey, where are the others?”
“We're meeting at Zen.”
“Oh no. Why is that?”
“We're going stir-crazy here and we're out of weed anyway. We can drink ourselves to sleep there too. And gossip about the humans.”
“Great, then I'll probably just go home to my guitar.”
“Now stop it. It's about time. Zen is a public club, you're coming with me.”
Actually, they were right. It was about time!
“Absolutely right. I've had enough. They should go somewhere else if they don't like it.”
“Exactly. So, do you want mascara too?”
“No, those times are really over now.”
“You mean you've worn makeup before?”
“Of course. Why are you surprised? Your boys wear makeup too.”
“Yeah, sure. Good, then we can leave right away. We have a bottle of vodka for the road.”
And it was empty by the time we got to Zen. Yeah, I was in a good mood. Just one of you had to come to me. Bang looked at me skeptically.
“Well, do you see yourself again? You're doing well, huh? Your people have already made themselves comfortable in the couch.”
“They're not my people anymore, but thanks for the info. I'll stay at the bar then.”
“Don't cause any trouble, okay?”
“If no one's causing me any trouble, no problem.”
Inside, we took our places at the bar; the others didn't seem to be there yet. I ordered something and emptied it in one go. Summer and Minnie did the same, thanks to their fake IDs. Soon I had to go to the bathroom and who did I meet there? Willie, of course.
“Look at that, I thought I made it clear that sewer rats like you have no place in our circle of friends?”
“As far as I know, this is a public bar.”
“Get lost or I'll wipe the floor with you.”
“Wow, that's a pretty appropriate thing to say for someone of your IQ.”
“Have it your way.”
His fist came flying at me. I managed to dodge at the last moment, but my punch went nowhere and I had his hand around my throat. He pushed me into a cubicle. Willie was a good two meters tall and a competitive athlete. I didn't stand a chance. He pushed my head under the toilet for a few seconds.
“So, you little fag, what are you into?”
He pushed me against the wall and actually fumbled with the button of my trousers. Slowly I started to panic. I had expected him to beat me up, I could live with that. But this! I really tried to defend myself. But I couldn't do anything. He had wedged me between the wall and himself. With one hand he pushed my face against the tiles. I tasted blood. I prayed that someone would come into the room, but probably everyone would think that someone was just having sex in the cubicle. I couldn't do anything and I couldn't hope for help either. What do you think he would do to me? Soon my pants slid down to my knees. I tried to scream but then he just pushed my face even harder against the wall. I couldn't get him. I was absolutely powerless. He held a condom in front of my face.
“Who knows what diseases you could give us. Let's see how you like this.”
Tears mixed with the blood running down my face. I just wanted it to be over, I had stopped fighting.
I heard a bang and felt Willie let go of me, my legs gave way and I hit the ground hard. I just stayed there. My body didn't obey any of the commands I gave it. I saw Summer's face. She was crying.
“Jordan, say something, please say something!”
There was Bang, who dragged Willie out of the room. And there was Sean. He bent over me.
“Jordan, can you hear me?”
Finally, my body obeyed me again. I pushed Sean away from me as hard as I could.
“Go away! This is all your fault! I hate you and everything you do. Go away!”
I could hardly get the last words over my lips. My facial muscles contorted and I could only cry. Summer lifted my head into her lap and leaned over me as if she could protect me from all evil that way. I curled up and we just cried.
At some point, Bang came back. After that, I don't remember much. I woke up in the middle of the night in a strange bed with Summer sitting next to me.
“Where are we?”
“At Bang's house. Don't you remember?” ”Do you want a drink?”
“No. I want a mirror.”
The wound on my eyebrow didn't look too bad. But I looked dead. Pale as death, with dark circles under my eyes and sunken cheeks.
“Can I help you?”
“Where's Sean?”
“In the living room.”
Without saying a word, I left the room. Bang was sitting on a chair, Sean on the sofa.
“Jordan...”
I sat down next to Sean and took him in my arms.
“I'm sorry for what I said. It's not your fault.”
“Yes, you were right. I was such a coward and I was way too lenient with Willie. I should have known what he was capable of.”
Bang crept out of the room.
“No, please, let's just forget the whole thing.”
“But you have to go to the police.”
“Definitely not, I just don't want to think about it anymore, okay?”
“But what he did to you...”
“What did he do to me?”
“Jordan... he...”
“He didn't do anything. He would have done it, but he didn't get the chance.”
“So we got there in time after all?”
“Yes.”
“Thank God!”
“So, can we please just never talk about it again?”
Bang had apparently beaten Willie up pretty badly and told him what would happen if he ever came too close to me again. It had the desired effect. He left me alone. From then on, Sean sat at our table during his lunch break. Just like Hannah and Alex eventually did. Then Susi came, followed by the other girls. Tanja broke up with Willie, no one knew why, but everyone accepted it. He was gone, no longer part of the clique.
Sean
When I arrived at Zen that evening, the mood was somehow depressed. Willie and Tanja seemed to be arguing. At some point I saw Jordan come in with Summer and Minnie. He seemed to be drunk already. I decided not to go over because Willie was just complaining to me about his troubles, Tanja was just being a bitch, jealous and what not. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Jordan down one cocktail after another. Just as I had decided to go over to him, I was already halfway there, he got up and staggered towards the toilet. So I pushed my way back through the people to the couches, but Willie wasn't there either. Could that be a coincidence? Sure, why not. Nevertheless, I decided to move slowly towards the toilet. Summer just came out of the girls' room. She asked me if I was planning to secretly disappear with Jordan to the bathroom. My answer was that I just wanted to see if he was okay, since she had ordered him one cocktail after another, presumably to increase her chances with him. Before Summer could say anything, the bouncer came up to us. He asked if everything was okay with Jordan. We decided to take a look. Only one cabin was occupied, so Willie must have been outside again. It was strange, we should have seen him. Someone in the cabin whispered something. As I was still trying to figure out what was going on, Bang kicked in the door. Just like that. All I saw was Willie being dragged out. Summer stormed into the cabin and started talking to Jordan. Jordan was in there? It was only then that I realized what had happened. I pushed Summer aside and leaned over him. It took him a while to react. His face contorted into an angry grimace. He pushed me away with full force and shouted at me that it was all my fault. I knew he was right. I waited outside. Bang came back. I saw everything like in a movie. He asked Jordan if he should call the police. Jordan didn't want that at all. Bang helped him up and took us upstairs to his apartment. There Jordan fell asleep immediately. Summer stayed with him. I didn't feel like I had the right to be with him. He didn't want me there. Bang made coffee and sat down with me in the living room. He looked pretty shaken up, too.
“I've known the boy for years now. At least five, and I don't even know how old he actually is. I don't know where he lives, who his parents are. The old Zen was terrible. So many young people who had given up on themselves. Most of them come and go, you don't really notice them. But then there are some like Jordan. I always wondered how it could have come to this with him. He is smart, always had friendly conversations with me and he has real talent. Have you ever seen him with a guitar in his hand? Indescribable. But he fell deeper and deeper into this hole and I could only watch. At some point, he just didn't show up anymore. From one day to the next. I always hoped he had made it, but actually I thought he had hit rock bottom. And now he suddenly turned up again, I almost didn't recognize him. And he had really made it. Not just away from the drugs, I mean, but he had found new, better friends and you. I hope this shit tonight doesn't ruin all that.”
I was amazed that the bouncer knew about us. I told him about Jordan as much as I knew. Eventually the door opened and Jordan came towards me. He looked like a walking corpse. He hugged me and told me it wasn't my fault, but to this day I still feel guilty about it. He also told me that we had come before anything really happened, I'm not sure if he just said that to calm me down. Anyway, he didn't want to go to the police. Willie also got his punishment. The bouncers had beaten him up pretty badly and, you might call it Charma, Tanja broke up with him a few days later. Although I didn't tell anyone, the clique increasingly distanced themselves from him, which was probably also due to Tanja. From then on, he hung out with his teammates. I never really spoke to him again.
Jordan
On Wednesday, we were actually invited to Sean's mother's birthday. She turned 57, over 20 years older than my mother. Sean's oldest sister was only 3 years younger than my mom. I found that very fascinating. I was quite nervous, but Mr. and Mrs. Wittmore didn't really notice me. I preferred it that way anyway. Sean's sisters were called Elizabeth and Josephine. Both were quite pretty and looked like Sean.
Josie was 32, married and had a young daughter called Jennifer. Of course she still worked, and was even a junior partner in a large law firm in San Diego. I didn't like her very much from the first moment.
In contrast to Beth. Her specialty was environmental law and her job was to make life difficult for corporations. She thought 28 was much too young to make a long-term commitment, so she brought a new guy home every time. This time an engineer whose name I didn't even bother to remember. She traveled a lot for work and didn't have a permanent address. Now she would be in town for a few weeks. The evening passed, and Klaus seemed to be part of the family. Sean's father was very imposing in his appearance; you could tell that he had a lot of people under him professionally. We went home around midnight. We praised the food, and Mom dreamed of having a girl as cute as Jennifer herself in a year. I said right away that I wanted a say in the name to avoid slips like that. It was a nice evening and now I knew Sean's family.
Sean
Then my mother's birthday came. My sisters were there and Klaus was invited as always. I could see from Jordan that he didn't really feel comfortable with my family. Of course, I didn't plan to introduce him as a future son-in-law, but I thought that my parents would at least show a little interest in him, since I spent most of my time with him, as they well knew. But the only thing that happened in that direction was that my father thanked Klaus for taking care of me half the time. Klaus replied that I was certainly making myself useful, especially when cooking. My father came up with the old song again that if all else failed, he could definitely use me in the company canteen. Otherwise, I spent a lot of time with little Jennifer.
Jordan
On the way home from school the next day, I wanted to discuss with Sean what we would do for the rest of the day, as usual.
“My sister is still there. We're going into town to shop. Tonight we'll cook for everyone.”
“Oh, I forgot. Well, I'll devote myself to my music again.”
“You still haven't played anything for me!”
“I want to get back into my old form first. Otherwise I'll embarrass myself in front of you.”
“Cute, you want to impress me.”
“Don't make fun of me, or I'll never play you anything.”
It was one of those moments when I wanted to poke him in the ribs, pull him into my arms and give him a conciliatory kiss. But of course, I couldn't do that on the street. It was frustrating.
The next day was a Friday. On my way home, I asked cautiously.
“So, how are things today? Do you have time for me?”
“Actually, I already promised to take Beth out.”
“Oh, right...
“But tomorrow I'll keep free for you, okay?”
“Please do. We haven't had an unobserved moment since Tuesday. I miss you, you know?”
“I think I could come to your place for a few minutes now...”
I spent the evening with Summer. We watched music videos, ate all kinds of things in no particular order and laughed at every stupid thing. I was so grateful to her for not mentioning the incident at Zen. The whole thing had definitely brought us closer together.
At midnight, Sean suddenly looked in through the window. He had actually climbed up the canopy. I opened the window and let him in.
“What are you doing here?”
“Beth is already in bed. We went out for dinner and to the movies. You can tell she's not that young anymore... Anyway, she wants to go shopping with me tomorrow. She thinks my clothes are too frumpy. And I wanted to ask you if you wanted to come along.”
“Shopping with your sister? Are you sure that's a good idea?”
“Why not? I think you would get along well. I mean, we have to hold back a bit, but that's obvious. It's public anyway.”
Summer came back from the bathroom.
“Yes, who's that? Has Betty baby-sat you enough?”
“No one has called her that for years and yes, she went to bed, but tomorrow we'll do something together again.”
“Really? Can I come with you?”
“It's a family thing.”
“Hey, do I already belong to the family? If I can come along, why not Summer too? Then I wouldn't feel like the fifth wheel.”
“Great. Well, then you both come with me. We leave at one. Well, I'm going to bed too. There'll be family breakfast in the morning. Well, good night Summer. ... And good night Jordan.”
He gave me a very long and intimate kiss. Why did I have the feeling that this was supposed to demonstrate ownership?
Summer stayed the night. When we got up at midnight and went to Mom and Klaus in the kitchen, they looked at us irritated, but said nothing more. Summer was very amused. At one we went over to Sean. Beth opened the door for us.
“Hey, Summer! Wow, when I look at you, I feel really old. And you're Jordan. Sorry I didn't pay more attention to you at Ma's birthday party, I thought you were just the boy next door. I didn't know you and Sean were friends. He only talks about you. But he's not saying a word about his break-up with Sara. And when I ask him if he has a new girlfriend, he doesn't say anything either...
“Beth, don't try to get anything out of him! He's under strict orders to keep quiet.”
“Well, we've got the whole afternoon.”
Sean was right, I got on well with Beth. We had a lot to talk about. Besides music and the usual, there was also Sean. We trampled on all his annoying little habits. Beth told me about the past, I told her how her brother was doing now. On the side, we kept picking out clothes and sending Sean to the dressing room with them. Summer had gone off to pick up cool guys at the skater shop. Beth and I had a blast, Sean was getting a little annoyed. We went to the food court to get pizza. Beth was a vegetarian and gave Sean a reproachful look when he ordered a pepperoni pizza. After that, we also looked for clothes and soon everyone had a huge bag to carry, except Sean. He had only bought a belt so far. At around five, we were sitting in the car on our way home.
“Jordan, do you have a girlfriend?”
“Why? Are you interested?”
“If only you were five years older...”
“Come on, when you're 38, I'll be 30, so who cares?”
“So you don't have a girlfriend?”
“I didn't say that...”
“So you're with someone?”
“Yep.”
“Is it serious?”
“Yep.”
“Typical, the best ones are either taken or gay.”
Summer blurted out:
“Or both!”
“That's right. What are you guys up to tonight?”
Summer surprised me with her openness:
“A friend of mine got some weed that's being consumed in Minnie's basement.”
“Sounds like fun. Can I come?”
Sean was horrified.
“You're not serious, are you?!”
“Of course, why not? Jordan, what do you think?”
“I usually spend my Saturday nights in the basement.”
“Cool, so I'll see you there at ten?”
“Beth, what if Mom and Dad...?”
“Are you serious, Sean? How old are you? If you didn't do the things that Mom and Dad condemn, you'd have a pretty sad life.”
Sean
My sister Beth stayed with us for a few more weeks after that, without her boyfriend at the time. Of course, I spent a lot of time with her and Jordan soon felt neglected. So I decided the two of them should get to know each other. Summer was once again clinging to Jordan. She seemed to be with him all the time and even staying over from time to time. Anyway, the four of us went to the shopping center. Beth had been pestering me all day about why I broke up with Sara. It didn't take long for her to start asking Jordan about it, too. As I had suspected, the two of them got along well. Too well, actually. Soon they had conspired against me and sent me to the dressing room with the most hideous clothes. When Beth started telling some old stories about me, I was really annoyed. The only positive thing was that Summer soon left.
Jordan
When I came down to the basement that evening, Beth was already sitting in a circle with a joint in her hand. Sean was sitting apart and apparently couldn't believe it.
“Jordan, man, I'm glad you're here. Pinch me!”
“Seems like I hooked up with the wrong Wittmore branch. Your sister sure knows how to have fun.”
“Please, not you too.”
“Don't you want to join us? I know I do.”
I sat down next to Beth, who kissed me on the cheek and offered me the joint.
“No thanks, I'm trying to quit.”
“Really? Why?”
“The whole thing was a bit out of control. That's why I cut it off.”
“Okay, whatever you say. So where's your girlfriend?”
“That's complicated... .”
“In what way? Is she still with someone else or something?”
“No, nothing like that.”
“Then what's the direction?”
“It's a long story...”
“Come on, let's get some fresh air.”
We went outside, where she offered me a cigarette. I accepted.
“So, go ahead!”
“Okay, but this is really a huge vote of confidence. Especially since I hardly know you at all.”
“Thanks, I appreciate that.”
“The truth is, I don't have a girlfriend.”
“You made this up? Why?”
“No, I didn't. I don't have a girlfriend, I have a boyfriend.”
“Oh, I see. Man, you could have said that right away. And he doesn't like to be seen in public with you, does he? But you shouldn't let him do that to you.”
“No, it's not that simple. It's all still pretty new, his family doesn't know yet, and so on.”
“I wouldn't have thought my little brother was that open-minded.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, that he has a gay best friend.”
“Oh, well, when we met, I didn't know that myself, so...”
Further up the street someone was bawling. When I turned around, I recognized Willie and some of his football teammates.
“Of course, I didn't need that. Beth, we should go back downstairs.”
“Why, what's wrong? Is that little Willie?”
By now they were close enough to see us.
“Betty Wittmore! I didn't know you were in town! What are you doing here?”
“We're downstairs at Minnie's. So tell me, how have you been?”
Now he was maybe 30 feet away. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I could hardly resist the urge to just run away.
“Oh, Betty, you may not know it, but you're in bad company.”
“What do you mean?”
“May I introduce Jordan Bonanno? Faggot and ex-junkie. He's about the most messed-up character around here.”
I had started to back away. Willie was maybe six feet away.
“Thanks for the warning, but you know, I like to make up my own mind about people.”
“Of course, the preference for such birds must run in your family.”
Meanwhile, I had reached the garden fence behind me. Willie was now standing close to Beth.
“Listen Willie, I don't know what your problem is, but you're getting way too close for my comfort.”
“What's my problem? This scum has destroyed the whole clique. He broke Hannah's heart, drove Sara and Sean apart and, through lies, ensured that I was cast out. And if I ever get my hands on him alone, he's as good as dead.”
He pushed me in the chest with an outstretched arm. His buddies egged him on.
“Are you crazy or what?”
Beth pulled me towards the house. Before we reached the stairs, two of the big guys stood in our way.
“Damn it, let us pass or I'll scream so loud that the whole neighborhood will wake up.”
“All right, let her go. The guy's not worth us getting our fingers dirty on him.”
Beth dragged me down the stairs.
“Why didn't you fight back?”
“It's no use. I don't even stand a chance against him alone, and there were eight of them.”
Downstairs, everyone was still sitting in a circle, and even Sean had joined them.
“Tell me, what's Willie's problem?”
Sean was immediately alarmed. Rightly so, I felt like my knees would give way any second.
“Was Willie there? What happened? Jordan, are you okay? You're as pale as a corpse. Come here.”
He took me in his arms.
“He didn't do anything to you, did he?”
I shook my head.
“We should go home, Beth, come on.”
“But what's going on?”
“We should get out of here for now, okay?”
After Sean had made sure that the horde had disappeared into the house, we left.
“So, can someone explain this to me?”
Sean hemmed and hawed, so I took over.
“To cut a long story short, Willie has a problem with me being into guys. Last week at Zen, he beat me up and, if he hadn't been stopped, would have done a lot worse to me...”
“I'm sorry to hear that. What a huge idiot.”
“Yes, but I'm an idiot too. What was I thinking, coming here again, to his house, to his sister. It was like an invitation for him.”
My hands were shaking. Sean held me back by the shoulder and stood in front of me.
“It wasn't your fault. You know that, right?”
“I shouldn't have gone to Zen, and certainly not so drunk. If I hadn't had half a liter of vodka inside me...”
“Then you wouldn't have been able to defend yourself against him either. And he should never have put you in a position where you had to defend yourself. If anyone but him is to blame, it's me. He's so angry at you because of me. I didn't take a stand from the beginning. And I didn't see how far this would go. And because of that, I hurt you and I let him hurt you. I will never forgive myself.”
He held me by the shoulders, his face maybe 10 centimeters in front of mine. Then he let go and turned to his sister. They looked at each other for a few seconds until Beth finally broke the silence.
“Mom and Dad can't find out about this.”
“But you just gave me a lecture about how boring my life would be if...”
“But this isn't about sneaking a joint or sneaking out at night! If they found out about you, their sense of purpose would disappear. They've built all this just to pass it on to their sons and grandsons. In their twisted world, that's what's most important. Their legacy to posterity. As Jacob...”
“Don't you dare mention him! Of course, he would have been a much better son than I am. But you only have me now. And I'm going to study medicine, with or without your support. And I'm not going to choose my partners based on your criteria anymore, I tried that and it was a disaster.”
“Do whatever you want, even study medicine, but don't tell Mom and Dad about you two!”
“At some point I'll probably have to, don't you think?”
“You're 18, Sean. A lot can still change. Just wait...”
“Until it's over? You don't understand! Jordan and I aren't going to break up in a few months and then I'll just find another girlfriend. We want to go to L.A. together. We're serious about it.”
“I believe that you really intend to do all that, but there are so many things that can happen that you can't control! Wait until you've been living together in L.A. for a while. You can still tell them then. Why are you in such a rush?”
“Well, for example, we'd have to hide all the time and we couldn't be ourselves in public!”
“But would you really be open about it? Would you kiss in public and so on?”
Sean didn't say anything. This couldn't be true!
“Sean? Say something!”
“What?”
“Well, for example, that we would then of course behave quite openly and that we don't care what others think of us!”
“But actually that's pretty private. I mean, it's nobody's business who I'm with.”
“Oh, so that's why you stuck your tongue down Sara's throat at every public opportunity, right?”
“That was different... .”
“Of course, you didn't have to be ashamed of her! I get it.”
“That's not what I meant, Jordan, wait!”
“What, explain it to me!”
“What do you expect? Do you really want to attract attention everywhere you go with me? Do you want everyone to reduce you to that?”
“I don't want to have any secrets, I don't want to feel like I'm doing something wrong, and I want to show how proud I am to be with you.”
“You see, that's what I mean. You don't even really know each other yet. You should definitely take your time. I'll go ahead. Good night, Jordan.”
I, too, walked purposefully towards my house.
“Jordan, wait, please. Let me explain!”
“Okay, please. Explain it to me! Come inside and explain it to me.”
Sean
Beth got Jordan and me to talk about some things we didn't agree on. For me, the question of whether we showed ourselves in public as a couple didn't just depend on my parents. I didn't always want to be seen as different and I didn't want to attract the attention of everyone present at every step. Jordan, on the other hand, didn't care what others thought of us. He wanted to be completely open, but just the idea of kissing him at school or in the mall made me panic.
Jordan
We talked half the night. In the end, I understood him and he understood me, but we still didn't agree.
“I have to go over there soon.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“I'm going to talk to my parents about L.A. after lunch. I've been putting that off forever. And it's good if Beth is there, I think.”
“Okay, good luck with that.”
“Jordan, please don't be angry with me, I can't help it. We just disagree. But it will be a long time before we actually have a choice. Beth is right, I shouldn't tell my parents until we're in L.A. That doesn't mean I don't believe that our relationship will last until then. I just want to be on my own two feet when I tell them.”
“I understand.”
“Jordan, I love you, you know that, right?”
“Yes...”
“Maybe I haven't really been able to make it clear to you how I feel about you. You're the best friend I've ever had, and at the same time I have all these other feelings for you, starting with wanting to be close to you all day, wanting to look at you and kiss you, but also much deeper feelings. I see myself through your eyes, I want to be a better person for you, a better friend. I see you and I know exactly who you are, as if I've known you forever. And you know me in a way that no one else does. You give me strength because I know that you will always be there for me, just as I will always be there for you, and my greatest fear is losing you, Jordan. You are the one I want to spend my life with. You are, and I never thought I'd say something so sappy, the other half of my soul. And to express everything I feel for you, three words are not enough, but they summarize it to some extent. I love you, Jordan.”
There was nothing I could have said that wouldn't have sounded trite in comparison. So I kissed him. I kissed him like I'd never kissed anyone before. I felt as if I were weightless. Every movement happened all by itself. It was as if our bodies were controlled by one brain. We undressed. Everything happened so fast, yet it seemed like slow motion. I watched my hand reach into the bedside table drawer, take out some condoms and hand them to Sean. We exchanged a look, nothing more was necessary. I turned on my stomach and felt Sean lie on top of me. At first I thought I couldn't take it. But I tried to relax and concentrated on Sean's movements. I soon felt his muscles tense and then relax all at once. He kissed my neck and lay down beside me.
“Are you okay?”
I couldn't look him in the eye. He pulled me into his arms, but immediately realized that I didn't like it very much and let me go again.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“I don't know. No, actually I don't.”
“Do you want to then now...?”
“What? No, of course not! I know you're not ready yet, that's okay.”
“But what can I do for you then?”
“You lie down in my arms...”
Sean snuck home before seven.
The phone rang that afternoon. A few minutes later, Mom came into my room.
“Don't you want to get up soon? It's almost two o'clock.”
“I'm not asleep, I just don't feel like getting up.”
“Are you okay, honey?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“What's going on? Do you want to talk about it?”
“It's not the kind of problem I want to discuss with my mother.”
“I see. Well, then talk to someone else about it.”
“I don't know who to talk to.”
“I'm sorry to hear that. Well, I'll leave you alone then.”
“Why were you here, anyway?”
“Oh, it can wait...”
“No, it's fine. You know what, I'll get up, take a shower, and then I'll come down and you can tell me what's going on, okay, Mom? There's nothing wrong with me, I just have to deal with a few things, but I'll get it done.”
“Good. Then I'll see you downstairs.”
When I came downstairs, Klaus had left the living room. That seemed very strange to me.
“Mom? What is it?”
“Sit down. Your father called.”
“Okay, what did he say?”
“He suggested that they all come on the 25th to spend some time with you.”
“And then they want to stay until the wedding? A whole week?! Mom! You did tell them that wouldn't work, right?”
“Actually, Jordan... I don't think it's such a bad idea. Your grandmother could help me with the preparations and you would have time to get to know your father better. And he you.”
“You're not serious, are you? Where are they going to sleep?”
“Well, your grandparents would then take a hotel room with the boys, and we could accommodate your father, Carmen and Milo here.”
“Here? This is getting better and better! Then I won't have any peace from them!”
“Now, Jordan, pull yourself together. You're not a kid anymore, and this is your family, whether you like it or not. Deal with it and end the debate!”
It must have been her hormones. Mum wasn't usually so quick-tempered.
“All right, but I'm not going to babysit around the clock.”
Sean stopped by that evening, officially to study math.
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
He stood there a bit awkwardly and obviously didn't know how to act around me. I kissed him hello.
“So you're feeling better then?”
“Yeah, I don't know what was wrong either...”
We went into my room and closed the door behind us.
“I can imagine how you feel...”
“Yes?”
“Yes, I mean... it must be very confusing, suddenly...”
“Taking on the female part?”
“I didn't mean to say that... .”
“But that's exactly how it felt. Totally unmanly... listen, I think this is something I have to deal with on my own. Don't worry about it. I just need some time to figure out the role I'm playing, you know?”
“I think so... .”
“And I don't want you to think that I expect the same from you now. Take as much time as you need, okay?”
“Okay...
“And now you'd better tell me what else your sister said.”
“I had to tell her exactly how we met. And she said that she can certainly understand why I fell in love with you. She thinks you're pretty hot.”
“Yes, I noticed that.”
“Show-off!”
“What?”
“You act as if it's nothing special.”
“It's not. Most women think I'm hot, for some strange reason... .”
“Are you kidding me?!”
“What? You'll never be satisfied, will you?”
“But you must know how good-looking you are!”
“Give me a break. It's funny that you should say that....
“No, seriously! I thought so the first time I saw you. And the girls have been talking about you too.”
“Whatever...”
“Your eyes, for example! They're blue. But not just any blue. They have these gray flecks that can change color, they shine and often seem so sad at the same time. And the way you move, with so much nonchalance and yet you have the feeling that you know exactly what you're doing. You have something rebellious about you, something James Dean, but still you have this angelic face. And your body....”
“Oh, now that's enough!”
“No, your body is perfect.”
“Oh, please...”
“No, really.”
“So, I'll kiss you now, just so you stop talking!”
After that, I told him about the extended family visit that would be upon us at Christmas.
“Well, maybe it won't be so bad. And I'm really looking forward to meeting your father and brothers.”
“Half brothers. So, didn't we want to study math?”
“Yes, if you don't want to know how it went with my parents...”
“What? You actually talked to them?
“Yes, I finally brought myself to do it. And they surprised me. They suggested that I finance the four years of pre-med studies on the condition that I also take courses in business administration and economics.”
“That's great! Just like that?”
“Yes, they probably already suspected that I would approach them about it. And they realized how serious I am about this career choice.”
“Great, then nothing can stop us now. L.A., here we come!”
Sean
After a few hours of sleep, I was woken up for breakfast. After that, I actually wanted to lie down again, but Beth wanted details. She bombarded me with questions about how we met and whether I had known for a while that I was into boys and that she now also realized why I had broken up with Sara and that she had also liked Jordan and and and. I was glad when it was finally time for lunch. After that, I told my parents about my study plans. I also said that if necessary, I would do it without their financial support. It was an eternal back and forth, Beth spoke for me, my mother also saw it, everyone had actually already expected it. At some point, my father made me an offer that I gladly accepted. He would finance four years of pre-med studies, which was a requirement for admission to med school anyway, with a major of my choice (either biology or chemistry), on the condition that I also took courses in economics and business administration. He was hoping that this would whet my appetite after all.
In the evening I was finally able to go back to Jordan. I was really worried. But he seemed to be doing better. His biggest concern was the upcoming family visit. And I had to tell him what else Beth had said, and of course I told him about my father's offer.
Jordan
The last week of school went by pretty fast and then finally it was vacation. Beth had decided to stay until New Year's Eve, which meant that she was on our heels all weekend. We decided it was better not to sit in Minnie's basement anymore. The Zen was an option and at school Hannah and Susi had announced that they would go with the girls, but Sara would be there too. At school, she talked to Sean and also sat at the same table. Beth wanted to go, so we went. I was finally able to talk to Hannah again, which Summer didn't like. When I also invited Hannah to the wedding, Summer left and was not seen again for the rest of the evening. Sara just ignored me, which I found quite nice.
Christmas Eve I spent with Klaus' parents, who, according to European tradition, were already handing out presents. I already knew that from the Bonannos. Of course, the only things talked about were the baby and the wedding. Mom got me a wall mount for the guitar that I always stored in the closet. Klaus actually got me a huge amplifier with an effects unit. He hadn't needed to curry favor with me for a long time, but it didn't hurt either. Of course I was thrilled and even forgot for a moment that the whole gang would be arriving the next day.
But eventually the time came. The doorbell rang around eleven and everyone was standing outside. Mom was warmly greeted, everyone touched her stomach. Klaus was eyed curiously. I had deliberately positioned myself strategically with my back to the stairs. My grandmother approached me rather hesitantly. No wonder. The last time she had seen me, my face was full of piercings, my hair was shaved into a green mohawk and I was high on drugs.
“You look good, boy.”
I didn't know what to say to her, but apparently she didn't expect me to. She patted my arm and rejoined the others, who were looking around the living room. The others greeted me only hesitantly from a distance. No one had spoken to me during lunch. I had time to look at everyone extensively. My grandfather was a quiet man with horn-rimmed glasses. He spoke very deliberately and with great meaning. With his slight Italian accent, he could easily pass for a mafioso. Grandmother Maria was usually loud and motherly. She had a big heart, but I had probably lost my place in it. Among other things, I had tried to pawn her family jewelry, which, as it turned out, was a friend of the family and immediately told her. She still spoke to me, but since then she has not been able to look me in the eye.
At the table next to her sat the three boys, the family's pride and joy. The way the three of them looked so much alike was almost comical. They must have been ten, twelve, and fourteen at the time. They were all quite quiet, only speaking when they were asked a question, and otherwise not attracting much attention. Carmen, my father's wife, was definitely an Italian beauty. Unlike my mother, her temperament was quite fiery. She was always friendly to me, but I never liked her. Milo, my father's brother, was just four years older than me. He had often visited us earlier and spent whole summers with us. At that time, we were something like friends. He was even there when I smoked my first joint. I didn't know what our relationship was now. Back then, when I lived with Anthony for a short time when I was 16 and lost the trust of the whole family with my antics, he was already at college and only heard about it from stories. He had since joined the family business.
And then there was Anthony, my biological father. He had a striking chin, broad shoulders, a serious look. He always wore expensive-looking suits. He had never exchanged a word with me. I helped my mom clear the table while the others settled down in the living room, where Klaus showed the latest ultrasound images. Of course, my mom knew exactly why I was suddenly so eager to help.
“You can't avoid talking to them forever.”
“Why not? They don't seem too keen on talking to me either...”
“At least they came here. Now go on, I can manage on my own.”
I didn't seem to have a choice, so I went over and sat down on the armchair in the corner. The conversation came to a brief halt, but was frantically resumed. After a while, when still no one had taken any notice of me, I wondered if I could afford to just sneak up to my room. But then the doorbell rang. Anthony got up as a matter of course and opened it.
“Yes?”
“Oh ... I, um ... Sean Wittmore. I live next door.”
“Hello. I'm Anthony Bonanno, Jordan's dad. Please come in.”
Sean looked around the room a little irritated until he saw me. He sat down on the back of my chair and listened to the rest of the conversation. Every now and then he even joined in and had soon exchanged more words with my family than I had myself. After a while, everyone set out to go skating, even Mom wanted to watch. I really didn't want to go! My father also decided to stay here. Sean was about to slip away, but I secretly asked him to stay.
“Sean, so you live next door?”
“Yes, and Jordan and I have been going to school together since this year.”
“Then you'll be graduating soon! What do you want to study?”
“Medicine, at UCLA.”
“Really? That's exciting! And you have the grades for that?”
“I think so, yes.”
“And financially? What does your father do?”
“He owns the local textile factory.”
“So money shouldn't be a problem. Why don't you join him?”
“It's just not my world. I always worked there during the holidays. I want to be a doctor and my parents aren't thrilled about it, but they support me.”
“That's an honorable profession too. If my boys ever decide not to join the family business, I won't stand in their way. The food industry is a tough business.”
They talked for a while about business matters, only half of which I understood. Time literally flew by. Once again, I was amazed at how well Sean could talk to anyone. At some point Sean went to get some book from home that he really wanted to show Anthony. I was alone with my father. The whole time I had hardly said anything, just listened. Sean had repeatedly tried to make me look good, but Anthony was more interested in Sean's successes than in mine.
“A fine guy!”
“Yes...
“You should make friends with him, he would be a good influence on you.”
“Oh, right.”
“Don't get smart with me again.”
“I'm not, but you're nagging me again as soon as we're alone for five seconds!”
“That's not true! I just wanted to give you advice!”
“Yeah, thanks. But you've only known Sean for a few hours!”
“I think that's enough. Or do you want to tell me that he's not such a great guy after all? What don't you like about him?”
“I like everything about him! I just want to say that you don't know much about him and that you shouldn't judge people so quickly! Neither for better nor for worse.”
“Of course, now I know how the wind blows! You're jealous, huh? But you know what? You had your chance and blew it, just like your second and third chances and all the others I gave you. You've been a disappointment across the board and now I'm supposed to believe that you've changed 180 degrees? You'll forgive me for still being skeptical.”
“You're wrong. That's not the point. To be honest, I don't care what you think of me!”
“Fine, whatever you say...”
There was a ring at the door.
“Aren't you going to open it, you obviously feel at home here?”
“Not until we've sorted this out. What's your problem?”
“My problem is you! You don't know me, but you have no problem writing me off. You don't know Sean either, but you praise him to the skies. You know nothing about us.”
“Well then, help me! What do I need to know?”
“First of all, I've been clean for almost a year. And then there's something else...”
I stormed to the door, tore it open and pulled the bewildered Sean in by the arm. Then I kissed him on the mouth. My dad let out a strange sound and slumped down on the armchair behind him.
“You're the one who advised me to make friends with Sean...”
Sean looked at me quite puzzled. Anthony got up again and came towards me. For a moment I thought he was going to hit me, but he just dragged me a little way away from Sean.
“How dare you! You can't just do something like that! If you want to provoke me, that's one thing, but to drag in the unsuspecting Sean in this way...”
Just as I was about to tell him to go screw himself and that not everything I do is about him, Sean interrupted.
“Actually, Mr. Bonanno, I'm not that clueless.”
“What are you trying to say?”
“I'm saying that Jordan and I have been together for a few months.”
He put his hand on my shoulder quite clearly.
“But... that... I mean... you're... a nice guy!”
“Just like your son.”
We heard voices outside the door and soon the living room was full of people again. Sean said goodbye soon, he was cooking for his whole family again and still had a lot to do.
Sean
On December 25th, the Bonannos arrived. In the early afternoon, I looked over. A stranger opened the door, as it turned out, Jordan's dad. He didn't look like him at all, but rather like one of my father's employees. I knew guys like that and knew how to deal with them. When everyone left to go skating, Jordan made me stay so he wouldn't be alone with his father. I wasn't keen on this pompous chatter, but I was good at it. Being modest, but still letting on who you were. And always pretending to know what you were talking about. The guy was too easily impressed. He was quite proud of his sons; when I steered the conversation towards Jordan, he immediately became nervous and changed the subject. Jordan was almost asleep. I had to find a pretext to get the two of them talking, but they didn't make it easy for me, so I told them about a book about medium-sized companies and tricks they could use to survive against large corporations. Mr. Bonanno, of course, showed a great deal of interest right away, and he listed a number of titles that he knew. Yes, of course, you have to educate yourself. So I disappeared to get the book.
When I rang the bell a few minutes later, I heard the two of them arguing inside. They couldn't even stand being in the same room for five minutes without things flying. Suddenly the door flew open, Jordan pulled me inside and kissed me. That was surprising, but even more surprising was that Mr. Bonanno seemed to assume that Jordan had only done it to provoke him. That was a very narcissistic thought. I set the record straight and, admittedly, enjoyed not living up to expectations for a change. Shortly after, the others came back anyway and I had to go back over there.
Jordan
After dinner, the grandparents took the boys to the hotel and Carmen retreated to the baby room, where there was a fold-out couch. Mom, who was now very pregnant, went to bed too. Klaus, Milo, Anthony and I were left and somehow I didn't like that. I got up.
“Where are you going?”
Klaus looked at me in astonishment.
“Upstairs...?
“Stay a little longer.”
“Yes, otherwise I'll just wake you up when I go to bed later.”
I had completely forgotten that. Milo had been quartered with me. Anthony had pricked up his ears.
“Milo, where do you sleep, anyway?”
“With Jordan, of course, you know that.”
“In his bed?”
“Um... yes?”
“And where does Jordan sleep?”
“In his bed too, of course. It's about two meters wide.”
“But... don't you prefer to sleep here in the living room on the couch?”
“Why? Then the first person to get up in the morning will wake me up too. What is it?”
“I just think that having the couch to yourself is bound to be more comfortable...”
I had listened to the whole thing long enough and really didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
“Anthony, what's your problem?”
“First of all, don't call me that. I'm your father, so call me Dad.”
“Okay, Dad, what's your problem?”
“I... don't have one. I just thought it would be better for you, too, then you won't have to share your room with anyone.”
“Sure, you're just looking out for my best interests. You don't believe that yourself! I think you have other things to worry about! Come on, out with it!”
Anthony squinted at Klaus and then said:
“This is a family matter. We'll discuss it among ourselves tomorrow. And tonight Milo will sleep on the couch.”
“Are you completely insane, or what? First of all, Klaus is more part of my family than you ever were. And secondly, what do you actually think of me? Do you think that I secretly attack my next of kin at night or what?”
Klaus seemed to slowly understand what was going on.
“Wait, is this about Sean?”
“He knows about it?”
“Of course he knows about it, I live here, hello?”
“And you just let that happen?”
“I didn't ask him for permission!”
“Jordan, he's talking to me. Mr. Bonanno, with all due respect, I don't understand what you're upset about. You've met Sean. He's a good kid and a good influence on Jordan. Jordan couldn't have asked for a better friend.”
“Would someone please explain to me what's going on?”
“Milo, I'm with Sean. And by 'with' I mean 'with'. With everything. So if you don't feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed with me, I can sleep on the couch, even though I think the whole thing is ridiculous.”
“Okay... can I just digest that for a second?”
“Sure. And Anth... Dad. I'm sorry that you're disappointed in me again. But this time I made a good decision, I know that for sure. And I hope that you will see that too.”
“I have no problem sleeping with you. That's nonsense.”
“Good, I'm glad you feel the same way. I'll go upstairs then. Good night, everyone.”
Milo came up a few minutes later.
“You've really shocked your dad again.”
“Yes, I'm good at that, aren't I?”
“And you're sure about that?”
“With Sean? Yes, absolutely.”
“And you're happy?”
“Yes, very happy.”
“Good. I'm glad that you're finally doing well again. It was terrible for me to see you fall into that hole, you know? You were always like a little brother to me, but I couldn't help you. You didn't want to be helped either...”
He cleared his throat and shook his head to banish the thoughts. After that, we talked about the old days, about all the good things we had experienced together.
Sean
When everyone was finally asleep, I went to see Jordan again. There was no key under the doormat, so I climbed over the canopy. Milo had been put up with Jordan; it would have been nice to have known beforehand. Luckily, he took it with humor that I entered through the window. I first got an overview of the family relationships. Milo was only 24, but Jordan's uncle. So his father was this strange mafioso. Milo confirmed my suspicion that he was not the best educator and also liked to resort to old proven methods. I couldn't understand at all how Milo was even able to work in his company. He apparently didn't know that himself either. He had probably been too late in realizing his alternatives. As I set off again, I intuitively refrained from kissing Jordan goodbye.
Jordan
Around midnight, I heard familiar climbing noises outside the window. I hadn't told Sean that Milo would be sleeping in my room... There was a soft knock on the window. Milo looked at me, amused.
“He's sneaking into your room?”
“Oh, shut up. It's complicated...”
I let Sean in. He froze in his tracks when he saw Milo.
“Oh... I'm sorry, I didn't know...”
“Yes, I forgot to tell you that Milo is sleeping with me. It's okay, now come in.”
Even though the constellation was somehow strange at first, Sean soon showed amazing social skills again. Milo told him things he had never told me. I had never thought about what it must have been like to have my grandfather, that quiet but frightening old man, as a father. And even worse: as a boss. Time flew by and eventually it was three o'clock. Sean went home, this time through the front door, and Milo and I went to bed.
“Sean is great. Don't mess it up with him.”
“I'll do my best. Good night.”
“Good night.”
Luckily, the relatives organized many excursions for the remaining days until the wedding. The women were busy planning. My dad ignored me as much as possible, although Klaus had apparently still been talking to him half the night. Milo, Sean, Beth and I spent the evenings together. Summer also joined us sometimes. She had her eye on Milo, but he was more interested in Beth. One afternoon, when we wanted to go to the shopping center to get a few things for the wedding, Peter, the oldest of the Bonanno brothers, asked if he could accompany us. Anthony said no without further explanation and gave Sean a dirty look, whereupon he went out to the car without a word. Milo indicated to his brother that he thought he was a bit off his rocker and we also went outside. Sean was already sitting in the back seat.
“Do you see what happens when people find out?”
“You can't take that one idiot as the measure of all things.”
“He wasn't the only one. What about Sara and Willie?”
“And what about all the people who know and don't have a problem with it?”
“There are some, but they'll be the ones who are the loudest, who make our lives a living hell. And the loudest are the ones who object. And that's why I don't want to tell anyone about it unless it's absolutely necessary.”
“But Sean...”
“I don't want to talk about it anymore.”
At the mall, Sean wouldn't talk to me and always kept at least six feet away from me. I commented on how ridiculous I thought the whole thing was, after which Sean wouldn't even look at me. He talked to Beth and Milo, though, as if nothing had happened. Soon I got tired of that, too.
“Well, I think I'll go off on my own. Shall we meet at five at the car?”
Before anyone could even say anything, I was already on the escalator to another floor. We ran into each other once by chance, but otherwise I went to my favorite stores and didn't talk to anyone. Except for a salesman in a trendy store who actually flirted with me. After that, I sat on a bench for a while and stared at the huge mermaid mural that had been there for a few months. When I got to the car at five to five, the others were already waiting. Beth and Milo asked me what I had bought and so on, Sean didn't say anything and sat down in the passenger seat. At home, everyone went their separate ways. When Milo and I came in, everyone was already sitting in the living room waiting for dinner.
“There you are again. Won't Sean and Beth eat with us? It'll be ready in ten minutes.”
“No. And I'm not hungry either. I don't feel well, I think I'll go to bed.”
“What's the matter?” Mom asked.
Anthony was watching everything out of the corner of his eye again.
“Not now, okay?”
I went upstairs and threw myself on my bed. Man, how this tricky shit annoyed me. I just wanted to sleep. Not have to think about it anymore. I used to always have some diazepam at home for cases like this...
There was a knock at the door.
“Not now!”
“Jordan, can I come in?”
My grandmother?
“Okay...
“What's the matter, child? Why won't you eat?”
“I just want to be alone.”
“What happened this afternoon? You want to tell me?”
“It's a long story...”
“I'll make you a suggestion: I'll get us both something to eat and you can tell me what happened in your own time.”
“All right...”
She soon returned with two fully laden plates, and I noticed that one of them had no meat on it. We settled down on the bed. When we had finished eating, she took my plate and looked at me questioningly.
“Who were you arguing with?”
“With Dad, among others.”
“And what was that about?”
“He found out something about me that he didn't like. And now he's trying to keep me away from everyone. He thinks he's protecting them, but he's not.”
“Is it about drugs again?”
“I'm clean and I'm tired of everyone immediately thinking about drugs.”
“Yes, I'm sorry. What is it then?”
“I don't want to tell you. But it's not really a bad thing. I even think it's a good thing.”
“Then why don't you want to tell me?”
“Because I've found that it just makes things more complicated instead of easier.”
“Okay. So you're feeling bad because of your father?”
“That was the trigger, but with his attitude, he hurt someone else. Someone who is very important to me. And this person finds it very important to be accepted by others. And that can never happen as long as I'm around. To really make this person happy, it would be best if we had never met.”
“I don't think so. Because if you mean as much to this person as they do to you, then I'm sure they're happy to have known you, despite everything.”
“But I can never make him happy.”
“You just have to try. And you have to talk to your father. He'll understand eventually. And I'm very proud of you. I admire you for following your heart and not letting anyone stop you from being with the person you love.”
“Thank you.”
There was a soft knock at the window. My grandmother smiled at me sympathetically. I let Sean in. He looked quite sad.
“I'm so sorry...”
Before I answered him, I pointed to my grandmother, who was still sitting at the foot of the bed. She got up, came over, stroked my cheek and then left the room smiling.
“What was that about?”
“My grandmother.”
“Yes, but why...”
“Sean, why are you here?”
“To apologize. I took the easy way out. It was probably a terrible day for you, too, and instead of joining forces with you, I pushed you away. That was wrong and I'm sorry.”
“Okay. So what's the next step?”
“What do you mean?”
“I know you don't want to tell anyone, but I'd like my family to know. I don't see why I should be ashamed of the best thing I've done in my life. They only know my worst side, now they should get to know my best side too.”
“I don't think they'll see it that way.”
“I hope so though. And even if they don't, then I know that I'm right and they're wrong.”
“And what are you planning to do?”
“I think we should just go down there and be ourselves.”
“It's your family, so it's your decision. Have you thought about it carefully?”
“Some things you shouldn't think about forever, you should just do them. If I had thought about it for too long, I definitely wouldn't have kissed you back then.”
“I'm glad you kissed me back then. I have no regrets, you know that, don't you?”
“Mostly.”
The board game craze had broken out downstairs. Sean sat down with Peter, Dad and Klaus to play Scrabble. I preferred checkers with Milo. The rest had just started a game of Monopoly. Only my grandmother sat in the armchair in the corner and watched the others. Our eyes met briefly. She smiled. At some point someone suggested Charade. We formed two teams. Old against young. It was very close for a long time. In the end, we needed 4 points to win. The atmosphere was tense. Three seconds before the end, Sean recognized Milos' mediocre portrayal of a broad-mouthed frog and brought us victory. The mood was exuberant. Youth had triumphed. Everyone fell into each other's arms. I stood there and had Sean in my arms. Actually, I wanted to kiss him. And that was exactly what we had agreed on. We wanted to be ourselves. So I gave him a little kiss on the mouth. Apparently no one had noticed. At least no one reacted.
The next day was the 30th. The preparations were completed and everyone gathered strength for the upcoming wedding. In the evening, I picked up my maternal grandparents from the airport with Klaus. They were quite distant as always. Klaus entertained them with small talk, I was only there to carry the luggage.
The next day we went to the church at two. The ceremony took until four. After that we went to the rented hall where the civil wedding took place and dinner was served afterwards. Mom looked very happy. The band played the whole evening. There was dancing and drinking. I got to know Klaus' relatives and also dozens of other people I had never heard of before. Sean's parents were also somewhere. Hannah came by during the evening and asked me to dance. We talked about trivial things, but I was still really happy that she had come. At midnight, the whole room counted down the countdown and everyone congratulated each other on the New Year. Soon after, most of them left. The hall emptied and the bridal couple retired as well. The staff started cleaning up. A group stayed behind and continued the party on their own account. I retreated with Sean to a deserted corridor for a New Year's kiss. When we came back, Beth was already waiting. Mom and Klaus were staying in a wellness hotel in town for a few days, since the due date was getting closer and closer.
The next day, the Bonanno clan packed their bags. I had my first farewell conversation with Milo in my room.
“You should come and visit us sometime. Especially when you're living in L.A. soon, San Diego won't be far away.”
“Yeah, I know. Let's see if Anthony comes to his senses.”
“I'm sure he will. And if not, I'll definitely come and visit you.”
“I insist.”
“Okay, and like I said, don't mess up with Sean. I really like him and he makes you happy. It's nice to see you happy again for a change since we were kids.”
“Oh, don't get mushy on me now.”
There was already a spirit of optimism downstairs. My grandmother pinched my cheek, hugged me and told me once again that she was proud of me. My grandfather held out his hand and raised the corners of his mouth. They bundled the boys into the car and drove off. Milo tugged at Carmen's sleeve, dragging her outside and leaving Anthony and me alone in the house.
“Look, Dad, I'm not asking you to understand me. I'm not even asking you to like me. I just want you to not add Sean to the long list of my mistakes. He doesn't belong there.”
“I know. It's just not the life I wanted for you. I didn't want you to have it so hard. You've been through enough because of the drugs...”
“Dad, I really appreciate your concern. But the hardest part about being with Sean is the people who judge us for it. Fortunately, I don't pay much attention to most people's opinions. But I do pay attention to yours. So if you want to make it easier for me, tell me that you're not going to write me off because of this, but want to get to know me better anyway.”
“Write you off again? I never wrote you off. I just didn't know how to deal with you anymore. But that's over now. You're a good guy.”
He shook my hand and we went to the car.
I had the rest of the vacation free and Sean was there. Beth had also left in the meantime. Sean had set his mind on making an early application to graduate from school in March and to be able to do an internship before starting college. That's why he spent most of his time studying or working on his application to UCLA. On the day school started again, Mom and Klaus came home. Mom looked like she might burst at any moment.
Sean
I was glad when the wedding was over and the relatives were on their way home. I had enough to do with my college application and looking for an internship starting at the beginning of March. Sometimes I wondered if I hadn't bitten off more than I could chew with this early application, especially when I later got only a B- in the chemistry intermediate exam, which was the final grade for me.
Jordan
The big day finally arrived over the weekend. Everything went very smoothly, not at all like in the movies. On Sunday, January 11, 1998, my little sister was born. At two in the morning, after she had us waiting for almost twelve hours. When Sean and I were allowed in, she had already been bathed and had a pink bonnet on.
“Look, Jordan. This is your little sister, Laura.”
Mum carefully placed her in my arms while Klaus took lots of photos. She was frighteningly small. Sean bent over her and looked at her very closely.
“You did a good job. She's beautiful.”
She reached for his nose.
“She looks like Jordan did.”
“Really?”
“I was certainly never that small.”
Sean
Laura was born on January 11th. When I saw Jordan with her, it crossed my mind for a moment that I would never have children if I stayed with Jordan. Of course, I dismissed the thought right away. At 18, you should really be worrying about other things.
Jordan
After a few days, Mom and Laura came home. From then on, the calm was over. Klaus and Mom both soon had dark circles under their eyes. Poor Klaus also had to go to the office, my mother stayed at home. When Laura and I came back with Sean from our afternoon walks, my mother was usually fast asleep on the couch. Then Laura watched us study. When Sean turned a page, she was always fascinated. He often made dinner with us. His parents usually didn't get out of the office until around eight anyway. We invited Hannah and Summer over for my birthday. Sean cooked Indian food. In February, there were interim reports and he sent off his application. Since he had only A's except in music and could also show several letters of recommendation, his chances were more than good. After three weeks, he got the acceptance. And he already had an internship in sight. I continued to go to school and spent the breaks with Summer or Hannah.
Sean got the acceptance for his internship. When he told me where he was accepted, I tried not to show it, but I was pretty shocked. He didn't know it, but it was the same psychiatric clinic where I had spent almost ten months in rehab. For some reason, I didn't tell him that. The people there had seen me at my worst, and that was less than half a year ago. But there was no changing that now.
Things were going well between Sean and me. We grew closer and closer. After work, he always came straight to me, showered and excitedly told me about his great day. He often told me about patients our age who were being treated for drug-related psychoses and how devastated they were. He even knew the story that he had heard from a colleague about a patient who had posed as an intern and left the clinic with the staff every day for a week to eat lunch. Well, that was me. I hadn't made it easy for the people there.
Sean
We studied and looked after Laura. For Jordan's birthday, he wanted me to cook Indian food again. The intermediate exams were over and with that, my school days were over. In the last week of February, I started my internship at a specialist clinic for psychiatry and psychotherapy. I liked going straight to Jordan's in the evening, taking a shower or bath with him and having a quiet evening with him.
The work at the clinic was great. I was present during visits and examinations, such as CT and EEG. Although we heard many stories about incidents with patients, nothing ever really happened. The clinic was not that big and there was no forensic ward. A resident, Dr. Nelson, took me under his wing. He was not very popular with the patients, but he was brilliant at diagnostics. He always told me stories about a patient with borderline personality disorder who was there for drug withdrawal and who completely took the staff for a ride. It seemed that he was particularly targeted by him. These stories were entertaining, educational and frightening at the same time. Besides me, there were a lot of other interns, most of them female. We were distributed among the different wards. Emily and I ended up on ward A. We hit it off right away. She was the same age as me and had also finished school early. She was considering studying medicine or psychology. That's why she was there.
Jordan always seemed a bit down to me in the evenings. I thought Laura might be getting to him. I also noticed that he often had bloody nails; he was constantly picking at his cuticles. I never saw him eat; he always claimed he had already had dinner. And he slept very restlessly, once I even had to wake him up because he was digging his fingernails deep into his arm and it was already bleeding.
Beth came to visit. I was glad about that because she spent a lot of time with Jordan. She also thought he had become strange.
Jordan
Beth came to visit for a few weeks and since Sean was busy, she spent most afternoons with me and Laura. Every now and then we also went into town or something. When we were out and about in the city center again, it was half past four. Beth apparently had a brainwave.
“Hey, say, Sean's clinic must be around here, right?”
“I don't know. Why?”
“He should be finishing soon and the bus service is so bad. We should pick him up!”
“What? No, I don't think that's a good idea...”.
“Why not? I've never been to a psychiatric hospital before. I want to take a look. Come on or you can take the bus home!”
Ten minutes later we were parked in the hospital grounds, which were only too familiar to me.
“Let's just wait in the car. We'll see him when he goes to the bus...”
“Nonsense. Come on, maybe the porter will let us in.”
Of course, the porter let us in. She just took one look at me and pressed the pass button. Nothing had changed. The reception hall was still painted yellow, brightly and pleasantly furnished. Since everything was very open, you could see the staff walking from one wing to the next on the first floor. Patients wandered through the corridors. The clinic wasn't that big, so I soon found familiar faces. Fortunately, most of them were so absorbed in their thoughts that they didn't notice me. Beth was standing close to me.
“I didn't imagine it like this at all. It looks really nice.”
“So what are you going to do now? How are we going to find Sean?”
“We should ask at the gate.”
“Okay, do that. I'll wait here for now.”
No sooner had she gone than one of my former roommates came along.
“Jordan! Did they catch you again too? Hey, maybe you can come to my room! The guy who's in it now stinks.”
“Actually, I'm just picking someone up. I stayed clean... .”
“Really? Too bad... for me, that is. It's nice for you, of course. Well, I'd better go to my room or I'll miss dinner. See you around. Or not.”
“Yeah, see you... .”
Beth came back.
“What did he want?”
“Just talking, I think... .”
“Whatever. The doorman said the interns always leave around five and there's only one exit. So we can't miss him if we hang around here.”
“You just want to stand here like this? I don't know about that...”
We didn't get much further than that, because then Dr. Berg, a senior physician, approached us.
“Is everything okay here?”
“Yes, of course. We're just waiting for someone.”
“I saw you talking to Mr. Swinder. I don't need to remind you what the house rules are regarding illegal substances. So if Mr. Swinder has asked you to bring him anything, it is in his interest that you tell me.”
Beth looked shocked and was probably about to tell the doctor off for daring to mistake her for someone like that. I forestalled her.
“No, we just ran into him. Actually, we're waiting for someone else.”
“Well, you don't mind if I take a look at your bags in my office, do you?”
Beth was bright red in the face.
“You have no right to do that and you should be aware that I am a lawyer!”
“I meant more the bags of Mr. Bonanno.”
“That's all right, Beth. Of course you can do that. I have nothing to hide.”
Beth had put on her lawyer's face and wanted to go with her.
“You wait here. I'm used to it.”
Dr. Berg closed the office door.
“All right, you know how this works.”
I emptied my pockets onto his desk and turned them out.
“Good, and your shoes too, please.”
I took them off too and turned them inside out to show that nothing was falling out.
“Okay. Then I just need to know why you're here.”
“We're picking someone up. Beth's brother.”
“Name?”
“Not a patient. He's an intern here. Sean Wittmore.”
“Yes, I noticed him. And what's he got to do with you? I don't mean to be rude, but he doesn't seem like the type...”
“The type to associate with junkies?”
“You know what I mean...”
“My mother remarried and we moved in with her husband. Sean is our neighbor.”
“All right. I'll settle for that.”
“You don't want to know how I am?”
“No matter how the patients are doing after the clinic, you always get the same answer. I made it, I stayed clean, I'm doing fantastic. So I've gotten out of the habit of asking.”
“I see.”
Beth was still standing in the hall, visibly annoyed.
“I'm sorry, Ms. Wittmore, but you understand that we have to be careful when it comes to illegal substances.”
“So careful that you even ignore the constitution?”
“I didn't conduct a search. The patients empty their pockets themselves. We don't touch them.”
“You know you're bending the law here.”
“You're a lawyer. That's your job.”
Beth didn't say anything else. I looked up and saw Sean standing with a resident I knew well at the railing of the passageway. They were looking down at us. I didn't like that at all. This guy, Dr. Nelson, was a real jerk. To him, patients were just people who disturbed him while he was doing more important things, like talking about golf. I once borrowed his master key, without his knowledge, of course, to meet up with Conny in town. He must have gotten a scolding from his boss as a result. Otherwise, I made his life as unpleasant as possible. And now he was standing up there talking nonstop. I motioned for Beth to look up. Dr. Berg followed our gaze.
“Oh, your favorite doctor.”
He waved the two down.
“What are you two doing here?”
“We were in town and thought we could save you a bus ride.”
“That's nice of you. I think I'm ready, then.”
Dr. Berg nodded.
“Well then, Mr. Bonanno, it was... interesting to see you again. Ms. Wittmore. I hope you're not still mad at me. I'd be happy to see you again.”
Nelson stood slightly apart, baring his teeth.
As soon as we were out the door, in the parking lot, Sean confronted me.
“Why didn't you tell me?”
“I don't know...”
“You were the supposed intern. And half of the other horror stories I've heard were about you too!”
“Yeah, I know, I wasn't exactly a model patient. But I was there for almost ten months. And I always had good reasons for breaking the rules...”
“Oh, what good reasons were there for tricking Dr. Nelsons into believing that you were hearing voices during the visit?”
“Oh, come on, that was hilarious. If he had just taken a look at my medical record before the visit, he would have known that I was there for detoxification...”
“Do you know how many patients each doctor sees in a day?”
“It's funny, but at least the other doctors manage to know their patients' diagnoses. Even the doctors on the ward round at the time thought it was funny. Why are you getting so worked up about it?”
“Why am I getting worked up about it? Do you know how I look to him now? He's my direct superior!”
“Yes, I'm sorry, but I couldn't have known that at the time! Besides, you must know what an idiot this guy is!”
“He's not an idiot. He's a brilliant doctor. Well, he should work on his bedside manner...”
“Yes! The next time a severely depressed patient comes to him and asks for a chat, he shouldn't berate him for arriving at a quarter to five and referring him to the next round of visits. Maybe then he won't go to the nearest toilet and cut his wrists.”
“That happened? And what happened to him?”
“He was found and put in the locked ward. And your Dr. Nelson is constantly pulling stunts like that. Most patients don't defend themselves because they have enough to deal with as it is. But I just didn't put up with it. I'm not denying that I did things I'm not proud of, but I don't regret making life difficult for this Nelson.”
“Jordan, you behaved like an idiot. You pretended to be an intern!”
“Yeah, but how was I supposed to know that it would work so well? You'd think someone would notice that a patient who isn't allowed to leave the building is sitting at the same table... I didn't do anything bad. I just wanted a proper meal again! And what they serve you is way better than what we get.”
“And what about the attack on a nurse?”
Sean almost screamed.
“Oh, please, I refused to take the pills. He wanted to fix me and couldn't do it. Of course I'll fight back if someone wants to tie me to the bed to force a dozen pills down my throat, without explaining what they're for. Besides, I had only been there a week and was still experiencing the full range of withdrawal symptoms, including paranoid ideas, as they say.”
“Nevertheless, I would have thought you were more sensible...”
“Sensible? Sean, open your eyes! Of course I wasn't sensible. I was hooked on heroin for years. How sensible is that? If you think I was bad in the clinic, I'm glad you didn't know me for the two years before that. I was a real asshole. All I cared about was getting the money for the next shot. That's what junkies are like. I was dirty, sick and mean. I put heroin in sugar and sold it. I hit my mother because she wouldn't give me any more money. I had nosebleeds from snorting coke three times a day, infections in my arms from injecting, and couldn't get it up because of all the poison in my body. If someone looked at me the wrong way, I'd give them a smack in the mouth. If someone hit me back, I didn't even feel it. I didn't eat anymore and I couldn't sleep either, because every time I closed my eyes, a thousand green-eyed spiders would crawl over my body. At some point, my face turned completely yellow and my liver was on the verge of failing. Sometimes my hair fell out in clumps and my skin was so dry that I scratched it raw. Sometimes my heart would beat faster and faster, I would start sweating and just fall over. And I didn't care. I didn't care what happened to me, whether I lived or died. That was me. At the end of my tether. That's my past. Worse than you can imagine. And you're upset because I gave a nurse a black eye?”
Sean looked at me, but I couldn't read his expression. Sad, definitely. And extremely disappointed. Beth was standing there too, leaning against her car, staring at me. No one said anything. Had I lost Sean now? Now that he had a picture of me a year ago? I felt panic rising inside me. I wished someone would finally say something. Nobody moved. Sean didn't look me in the eye. People came out of the clinic and went to the cars around us. Sean's facial features went cold.
“I'd rather take the bus.”
“Sean,....
”
In my third week at the clinic, I had just gathered my things and was ready to go when Nelson steered me to the passageway between two wings, from where you could see the entrance hall.
“I just had to show you this! Imagine who's back! The infamous Mr. B.”
I was, of course, more than eager to actually see this patient, having heard so much about his condition (borderline personality disorder and, as a result, severe substance abuse) and his escapades.
“Down there, with Dr. Berg. That's him, Mr. Bonanno. Now that he's back, I'm allowed to say the name.”
I don't think I can find the words to describe how I felt at that moment. I just stood there while Dr. Nelson recounted the highlights again. At some point, Dr. Berg looked up at us and waved us over.
“I'm probably supposed to do the recording. Man, that guy is getting on my nerves again. He has to show up here at five to five.”
I was completely overwhelmed by the situation. I just pretended that everything was fine.
It wasn't until we were in the parking lot that I couldn't hold it in anymore. What had shocked me so much was not only what Jordan had said about himself and how he didn't care what happened to him back then. I had also learned from Dr. Nelson that the drugs were only part of his problem. He was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Suddenly everything made sense. His impulsiveness, which had led to his broken arm, his strange eating habits, his mood swings, his all-or-nothing thinking, Nikki's concern for him, even the drugs fit the clinical picture. I just couldn't deal with that. I couldn't get in a car with him, but I also couldn't tell him that I knew, because I wasn't supposed to know any of that. If anyone found out, Dr. Nelson would definitely lose his job. Jordan got into Dr. Berg's car, and Beth and I drove off. I let her believe that it was about what Jordan had said. That had been bad enough.
Jordan
Dr. Berg approached us. Dr. Bishop, the psychotherapist I was still seeing twice a week, was walking next to him.
“Jordan, what are you doing here?”
“You live in Glendale, don't you?”
“Yes, you know that...”
“Can you give me a ride?”
“Sure, no problem. Dr. Berg is driving. We have a... carpool.”
Without saying goodbye, we went to Dr. Berg's Mercedes. I sat in the back. Dr. Bishop sat with me.
“You don't look well. What happened? Who was that?”
I squinted at Dr. Berg. Of course, he noticed that.
“Mr. Bonanno... may I call you Jordan?”
I nodded.
“Jordan, everything you tell me is subject to medical confidentiality. If you're afraid that I'll tell Mr. Wittmore something, then don't worry.”
“So, Jordan, what happened?”
“Sean Wittmore.”
“Sean... You mean our intern? Is he the Sean?”
I nodded. I pulled my legs up and tried not to burst into tears like a little child. I was so ashamed. I felt like if I opened my mouth to speak, I would lose control.
“Can you talk?”
I shook my head. Dr. Berg still hadn't started the car. I looked at the spot where Beth's car had been parked.
“They just left. Should I go too?”
I nodded.
“Jordan, can I tell Dr. Bishop what I know?”
I nodded again.
“So, Jordan was standing in the lobby and I just saw him talking to Mr. Swinder. When he left, Mrs. Wittmore came. I went over to make sure that Jordan hadn't given Mr. Swinder any illegal substances. We went to my office and Jordan emptied his pockets and so on. Everything was fine. Mrs. Wittmore was a little eccentric, but nothing else was out of the ordinary. Then Jordan spotted Dr. Nelson and Sean Wittmore at the top of the railing. The two were talking and then came down to us. We said goodbye and the three of them went out. Everything was okay. Ten minutes later, we found them standing by the car. You know the rest.”
“Okay, I see. Jordan, are you okay now?”
I scratched my hand nervously while I looked for Beth's car.
“Jordan, stop that, it's bleeding. Let me see.”
There was blood under my fingernails. I hadn't even felt it. That scared me. Dr. Bishop gave me a handkerchief, which I wrapped around my hand.
“Jordan, you need to calm down. Listen, did Sean know you were in the hospital?”
“Yes, but not that I was in this one.”
“Okay, and he found out today?”
I nodded.
“But I don't understand why that's important...”?
“He's heard the stories about me. Dr. Nelson must have told him all about it. Who knows how long they've been standing up there. And then we had a fight about it. And I told him that that was nothing, he should have seen me before the clinic. And then I told him everything. Everything I've done, what I looked like, how broken I was. I don't know why, I just couldn't stop talking. He looked at me as if I were the most disgusting thing he had ever seen. He was just about to leave when they came. I think that's it. Dr. Berg put it very well. Sean is not the type to associate with junkies.”
“But he knew you were an addict when he fell in love with you.”
Dr. Berg snorted audibly.
“I'm sorry, that was very unprofessional. I was just surprised.”
“Surprised that Sean likes boys or surprised that he gets involved with me?”
“I'm... I'm sorry.”
“It's okay, I don't know what he sees in me either.”
“No, really, I didn't mean it like that.”
Dr. Bishop cut in again.
“I think you've given Sean quite a mouthful that he'll have to digest first. I don't think he's seriously considering breaking up with you because of this. From what you've told me, your relationship is relatively strong. I understand that the way things went down really affected you, but please don't always see the dark side of things. Have faith.”
“It's not that easy. I just often have the feeling that Sean is too good for me and I'm afraid of the day when he'll realize that too.”
“I understand. But Jordan, the person you described before, no longer exists. You persevered and stayed clean. Very few people can do that. You got your life back on track and became a whole new person. The old Jordan shouldn't matter anymore, and Dr. Berg and I will definitely have a conversation with Nelson about confidentiality.”
“Okay....
I looked out the window again. This couldn't be possible!
“Look, in front of the steakhouse, that's Beth's car! I'm sure of it!”
“Well, I could do with a steak for dinner, don't you think?”
Dr. Berg parked right next to the car. It was empty.
“Let's go in then.”
Inside, we didn't have to look far to see Beth at a table.
“What are you doing here?”
“We saw your car outside. Where's your brother?”
“He's been in the bathroom forever. I don't think he's planning on coming out anytime soon...”
Dr. Berg went to check without hesitation, while Dr. Bishop and I sat down.
I later found out what had happened in the washroom. Sean was standing, staring into the mirror when the doctor entered the room.
“Dr. Berg, what are you doing here?”
“We saw your car and stopped by. Can I help you?”
“No thanks, I'm fine.”
“I know that's not true. I understand that you have experienced a lot today that is not so easy to process.”
“So Jordan told you? Terrific. I was hoping that at least at work I wouldn't be judged on who I'm with.”
“Of course, this is subject to medical confidentiality. And of course I don't judge you by who you're with, but by your excellent performance. You know more than some medical students who do internships with us. Listen, your boyfriend is sitting out there and he's really not doing well. He thinks he's lost you.”
“I don't know if he might be right about that...”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“With you? Isn't that strange? You're my superior.”
“And I was your friend's doctor for a long time. I think you should talk to me. Maybe it will help you if I tell you what I already know. So, you've been with Jordan for a long time.”
“Four months.”
“And you also knew that he had problems with drugs in the past?”
“Yes, I did. But he somehow presented it differently. For example, he never mentioned that he didn't care whether he lived or died and that he was already on the verge of liver failure. I just had a completely different picture of him in my head. As a poor victim who slipped into something and faced withdrawal and made it. But today I realized who he really is. He was one of the worst kind. Selfish, aggressive, criminal, the whole gamut. And the way he behaved in the clinic...”.
“They shouldn't really know about that.”
“Yes, but I do know it. Dr. Nelson couldn't have known that I knew Jordan.”
“That still wasn't right.”
“Can't be helped.”
“I was Jordan's ward supervisor at the time, and he was usually more entertaining than annoying. He just sometimes didn't know where to put his energy, and he took advantage of any gap in the system. That was very educational for us. Nobody could really hold his personal enmity with Dr. Nelson against him. I'm not trying to sugarcoat it, I just want to put it in perspective. Jordan had a hard time and did what he had to do. He was just eighteen and completely on his own.”
“He had his mother, after all.”
“I don't want to go into too much detail, but I can tell you that she only started visiting him in the last two months. But you should talk to him about that. I don't want to put you under pressure, but I know that you have an idea and know that Jordan is still at risk. Nevertheless, you have entered into a relationship with him and thus taken on responsibility. That's why I'm asking you to at least talk to him.”
“Yes, I know. It's just so hard. I just see him differently now.”
“I understand that. Give yourself time. But we should slowly go to the others anyway.”
“I hate such situations. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't go out there now, tell him that I think it was terrible who he was, but still love him and hold him.”
“Yes, I know that only too well... .”
“What do you mean?”
“I think I want to tell you that I know this problem from my own experience.”
“Really, you mean...?”
“I mean that Dr. Bishop and I have a carpool because we have the same goal. We live together. Very few people at the clinic know that, so I would be grateful if...”
“Of course, no question.”
Finally, the two came out of the washroom. Beth and Dr. Bishop had actually ordered a lot of food in the meantime and were just about to tuck in. I felt sick. Sean didn't look at me, but he sat down next to me. I looked at him imploringly. The others seemed to be busy with their food. Then finally he looked me in the eye.
“Let's go outside.”
Of course, I immediately jumped up.
It was now dawning outside. We walked around a corner and sat down on a stone wall that was not visible from the street.
“Jordan, you have to know that I will always be your friend, no matter what happens. But I honestly don't know if I can be with you anymore. I just need time to sort through all of this. I feel like I never really knew you.”
“Yes, you did! You really did. This is me. The Jordan you've gotten to know over the last six months, that's me. And I've been through hell to become the person sitting in front of you now. Sean, I love you. I need you. You're the person I went through all this for, because I knew you were out there somewhere. I can't change my past, but I can determine who I want to be today. And today I want to be the one who makes you happy. I want to be the one you come home to, I want to be the one you lie down with in bed, the one who is worthy of being loved by you. Please don't write me off because of the mistakes I made in the past. Judge only by what you see with your own eyes. I'm not asking for more than that.”
At some point, I had apparently reached for Sean's hand and he hadn't pulled away yet.
“I need to think about it. But I'm still here for you. Please don't fall back or anything because of that. I know I have to be considerate, but right now I just can't tell you that everything is fine. That would be a lie.”
He took me in his arms. I buried my face in the back of his neck, inhaled his scent and held him as tightly as he allowed me to.
“We should go back inside.”
He wiped a few tears from his face and stood up.
Inside, the plates were now empty and Beth was toying with the dessert menu. Sean didn't even sit down, but just said,
“We should be going soon...”
Beth put the money on the table and said goodbye. Dr. Bishop looked at me with concern.
“I'll see you tomorrow at four, right?”
“Of course, like every Wednesday.”
No one said a word in the car. At home, Sean just said 'good night' and went into the house. Beth stayed with me for a moment.
“I'm sorry about how that went.”
“Yeah, me too. I shouldn't have dropped that on you like that. It just had to come out.”
“I understand that. But I'm pretty shocked too. The whole thing has suddenly become so real, before that it was just a word. Junkie. I just didn't think about what that means. Pretty naive, I know. I'd better go check on Sean. See you tomorrow.”
I spent the rest of the evening playing Laura on the guitar and went to bed early.
Sean
I wanted to be with someone. I know it was a mistake, but I went to Emily's again. She didn't ask any questions. One thing led to another and we slept together.
Of course, after that I couldn't report to Jordan anymore. Emily naturally got hopes up, and the bad thing was that I really liked her. I could talk to her well, not about Jordan, of course, but about everything else. Beth noticed that I didn't come straight home after work, and after a few days she asked me point-blank if I had someone else. She was really angry with me about it and let me feel it.
At the hospital, Dr. Nelson asked me about Jordan. I didn't want to have to explain anything, so I passed him off as a friend of my sister's whom I hardly knew. I spent the weekend with Emily as well. Of course I felt guilty about it, but I just needed someone to unload some of my baggage on and for whom I was just the smart, likeable, aspiring doctor.
Jordan
The next day, after school, I went to see Dr. Bishop.
“You have to give Sean time. That's all you can do right now. I think Jeff... Dr. Berg will talk to him again. The two of them seem to have a pretty good connection. Jeff even told Sean something very personal yesterday, and I think you should know it, too.”
“Really? What?”
“When you stayed on my couch that time, you asked me if I was married. I told you that my partner was at a conference. That was only half the truth. Jeff was at that conference.”
“Dr. Berg and her? I would never have thought that! There weren't even any rumors about that.”
“We try... .”
“Why? Why do they go to such lengths to keep it secret?”
“We've been together since college, so for 15 years. Back then, it wasn't something you could be open about.”
“And why do they still do it?”
“Once something like this comes out, you can't take it back. It's final. You're just reduced to your sexuality and other people treat you differently. We both think it's better this way.”
“I don't get it. Sean feels the same way. But to me, it's just lying. And why should I lie about it? Who I'm with is an important part of me and I don't want to hide that. If someone has a problem with it, they have to deal with it, not me.”
“That's an admirable attitude, but it's not for everyone. Some of us just choose the easy way. The path of least resistance. And that's fine too.”
I didn't want to start a debate on principles, I had too much on my mind for that right now, so I shrugged and changed the subject.
I still hadn't heard from Sean by Friday. Beth suddenly didn't want to interfere and wasn't much help. Over the weekend, I talked to Summer about what had happened. She apparently had a pretty good idea of what it meant to be addicted to heroin. She consoled me as best she could. On Monday, I came home from school and was actually on my way to Dr. Bishop and then to the group. Mom and Klaus were already waiting.
“Jordan, I'm glad you're here. You have to take care of Laura. Klaus' mother fell and was taken to the hospital. We have to go there in any case. We may also have to stay overnight. I'm sorry to bother you, but we only found out about it twenty minutes ago.”
“Okay, no problem, but I would take her to Dr. Bishop and to the group.”
“As you like. She's fed and will probably fall asleep soon anyway. Because of school tomorrow, maybe you can go later, or you can think of something... We have to go. Thanks, honey. I'll call you.”
Laura was a bit grumpy during the bus ride home, but she fell asleep afterwards. Dr. Bishop was blown away by the little one. Besides Laura, our main topic was, of course, that Sean still hadn't gotten in touch.
It was Relatives Info Day again, like every eight weeks. Mum went with me the first time, but that was enough. But there were many new participants, so the room was quite full, and some people had brought their whole family. We tried to form the usual circle of chairs, but it was hopeless. So the relatives sat down behind their family member from the group. We waited until half past five and the last ones arrived. Some women gathered around Laura, who I put on the floor in front of me with her stretcher. Of course she woke up and I took her on my lap. Since I was sitting with my back to the door, I didn't see who entered the room, but only heard chairs being pushed back and forth behind me. Laura was getting fussy again. I tried to calm her down with her pacifier or bottle, but that wasn't the right thing to do.
“Should I take her?”
I turned around and there were Dr. Berg and Sean.
“What are you doing here?”
I put Laura Sean in the lap. He grasped her neck and found that she was too warm. So he opened her cardigan and took off her extra socks.
“Your mom always packs them too much. And here the many people heat up the room quite a bit.”
She had stopped whining and was looking at Sean's face with great interest.
“I'm glad to see you.”
“Well, Dr. Berg gave me a ride home after work. And he wanted to come here anyway, so I came with him.”
Dr. Bishop closed the door and started. At the beginning, everyone introduced themselves and briefly said who they had brought with them. A glance at Sean told me how to introduce him.
“I'm Jordan, clean for over a year, and I have my little sister and my best friend with me.”
Sean thanked me with a look. Laura had fallen asleep on his lap.
At seven o'clock it was over. I took Laura again and put her in her stretcher. Sean stretched first, he had hardly been able to move. Most people left the room right away. We took some time. Dr. Berg helped Dr. Bishop clean up. For the first time I noticed the familiarity between them. Sean put our chairs away. We said goodbye and made our way to the bus. At the bus stop, we met another member of the group, Eddie. He was five years older than me and had been in the group forever. In the meantime, he had also relapsed several times and had been treated in hospital repeatedly.
“Hello everyone.”
“Hey, Eddie! Where's your car?”
“I lost my license. I was in the clinic again until two weeks ago. Hey, didn't I see you there once?”
He was talking to Sean.
“Quite possible, I'm doing an internship there.”
“Oh, what kind?”
“Medicine. I'm going to UCLA in the fall.”
“Not bad.”
I asked him if he had brought anyone with him.
“No, not this time. My sister has to work and my girlfriend is now an ex-girlfriend.”
“What, again?”
“Well, it's not something I chose. And why don't you ever bring your girlfriend?”
“What makes you think I have one?”
“Well, because of what you said a few months ago. Where everyone asked you about your secret recipe because you're the only one in the group who's managed to stay 100% clean for a year... And you said that you already felt during rehab that someone was waiting for you out there and that you found that someone. And that gives you the strength and the motivation to hold out.”
“Yes, I guess I did say that.”
Sean knew it was up to him. He gave me Laura and held out his hand to Eddie.
“Jordan, I think you should properly introduce me again.”
“Gladly. Eddie, this is Sean. The someone in question.”
Eddie looked a bit confused and didn't know if he had understood that correctly.
“Don't look like that, you got it right.”
“Yeah? Okay, crazy....”
“I hope we didn't rush you too much with this.....”
“No, that's not what I mean. I mean, crazy, Jordan! A medical student! The most educated I ever brought home was a secretary. So, at some point you'll probably be with a doctor. Crazy.”
I had to grin.
“Yes, Sean is top of his year. He finished school early and has already got a place at university. I think it's crazy too. And you're okay with the other thing?”
“Please, I couldn't care less.”
The bus arrived. Eddie got off at the next stop. Sean looked at me in amazement.
“Wouldn't he have been just as fast if he'd walked?”
“Probably. But Eddie had a bad experience on the corner back there. And since then, he only passes it by bus or car.”
“Okay... Otherwise, he seems quite nice.”
“Yeah, sure. He's just pretty depressed. Last week he didn't talk at all and just went out to cry every now and then. When he's on drugs, he's fine. I guess he was just pretty high.”
“What? You think so? But you didn't notice it at all... .”
“If you know him, you can tell... .”
“But what does Dr. Bishop say about it?”
“What can he say? Eddie has been in the clinic four times in the last year, but so far he has relapsed every time. You heard it yourself, he's only been out for a few weeks and he's already back at it. He has to get his act together, no one can do it for him.”
Sean looked at me thoughtfully.
“You've done quite a bit. I can't even imagine how hard the withdrawal must have been. And the readjustment too. And even now. You can be really proud of yourself.”
“Thanks. But I'm just doing what's necessary to...”
I stopped.
“To what?”
“...to be with you. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to put you under pressure with that. I know you need time.”
“Jordan,...”
“Now you're probably going to give me a lecture about how I'm actually doing this for myself and all that. And I know that. I just don't think I would have made it this far without you. You're helping me, so to speak, to help myself.”
“I don't know what to say to you. You know what you mean to me. It's just all so hard. Why does everything have to be so hard for us? And I also wonder if it wouldn't have been better if we had found each other in a few years. After all, I'm only 18. I didn't really plan on finding the right person so early. It scares me.”
“Yes, I know you never had the chance to enjoy the single life. I, on the other hand, have had enough experiences for ten. But we'll manage. You know you can talk to me about anything...”
“Are you offering me an open relationship?”
“For me, fidelity doesn't necessarily have anything to do with sex. As long as you're always honest with me, I can live with a lot. I'm aware that many relationships don't survive college. It's just important that we respond to each other's needs.”
“Thank you for understanding. I don't want to lose you. I can't imagine life without you anymore.”
“So you're not breaking up with me?”
“No, I couldn't do that.”
“Thank God. Sean, I really want to kiss you right now.”
The bus was relatively empty and we were sitting at the back, so Sean leaned over to me.
Sean
On Monday, Dr. Berg asked me to come to his office. He had been informed by Dr. Bishop that I hadn't spoken to Jordan in a week. He finally persuaded me to go with him to Jordan's group that evening.
I didn't know how to face him at all. I was glad that Laura was with me, so we had something to talk about. We didn't talk much on the way to the bus. I didn't even know what I wanted. Then we met Eddie. Next to him, Jordan seemed so normal. And then there was that story that Jordan told about how he knew during rehab that he had to make it for me, even though we didn't even know each other yet. Hearing that again was very moving. I almost wanted to tell him about Emily and ask him to just wipe out everything that had happened in the last week. But I was afraid of how he would react. He said himself that he wouldn't have made it this far without me, and I couldn't just blurt out that I slept with a colleague. But it wasn't long before he smelled a rat.
Jordan
The next day I took Laura to school with me. I had called in advance and the ladies in the secretariat had agreed to take care of the little one during the lessons.
Mum and Klaus came back in the evening, but announced that they would leave again the next morning. This time they wanted to take Laura with them, because they wanted to wait for the operation for two days and Mum didn't want to be separated from her that long. Sean slept over. We talked for a long time. He had since spoken to others at the clinic about me, and not everyone had such a bad opinion of me as Nelson. He had also spoken to Dr. Berg about what it's like to be with a man and keep it a secret. But I had the feeling that something else was on his mind.
“Sean, I've been thinking about our conversation on the bus. And I have a question for you. Please be honest, okay?”
“Okay, what?”
“Are you thinking about the whole 'found-too-soon' thing because you met someone at the clinic?”
Sean just stared at me for a moment. Then he wrestled with himself and finally started talking.
“Somehow there could be a reason for it...”
A flash of lightning went through me internally, but I didn't let it show on the outside.
“Okay, I had a feeling...”
“But don't get me wrong. Nothing happened or anything like that. It's just that... people naturally ask personal questions sometimes. Like, do I have a girlfriend, for example. And I just say no. And that makes the others assume that I'm single, of course. Well, there's someone...”
“Someone? Man or woman?”
“Woman, of course! What do you think?”
“I don't know, I thought someone said you were with a guy...”
“Yeah, very funny. You know, we can leave it at that...”
“No, it's okay, I'm sorry. I want to hear this. Go on.”
“All right. Anyway, there's this intern. And she asked me if we wanted to do something together. I didn't know what to say. So I said something noncommittal like 'we'll see'.”
“And you would like to meet up with her?”
“I don't know... She's nice and interesting. I'd like to get to know her better. I just don't know what she might expect. I mean, she's female and single, I'm male and, in her opinion, single too...“.
“Do you want something like that too?”
“I don't know... if I were actually single, I wouldn't hesitate for a second... but as it is...”.
“Listen, we're not married or anything. I don't want to stand in your way.”
“Are you serious? You know, if you're offering me something like that, I'd like to see what happens...”
“Yeah, sure. Go for it. I just don't want you to have to hide anything from me.”
“Thanks, Jordan. I love you all the more for that.”
He pulled me into his arms and soon fell asleep. I, on the other hand, stayed up late...
Mom and Klaus were away for the weekend.
When Sean came home on Friday, I assumed that we would have a cozy weekend together...
“Hello darling, I'm home, what's for dinner?”
“What 50s TV show did you come from?”
He grinned mischievously at me and kissed me on the cheek.
“Are you saying you're not going to stand behind the stove? Well then, I'll probably have frozen food today, I don't have time to cook anything else.”
“What, why not?”
“Well, I'm going to the movies with a few others from the clinic and then have a drink or something afterwards. Didn't I tell you...?”
“No, actually not. I thought we would use the empty house...”
“Oh, I'm sorry. But I'll try not to be too late and tomorrow is another day.”
“Sure. Take your time... So, who are you going with?”
“You want to know if she's there, right?”
I felt quite caught, as I had tried to sound as casual as possible.
“I... .”
“It's okay, I understand. Yes, the suggestion came from her. But there are more of us. Some others are coming too.”
“Great. Well then, why don't you hop in the shower and I'll see what's in the freezer.”
I called Summer and asked her what she was up to. She was immediately excited about the fact that I had an empty house and drummed up the rest. Sean and I were still eating and then he was gone. At eight, the others slowly started to arrive. They had apparently been given fresh grass and were keen to test its quality. Of course, I kept thinking about what Sean was doing and I wondered how I could offer him something like that. I kept reminding myself that in the long run it was the only way to keep him with me and lit a cigarette. That didn't really make it any better though. We sat in my room and the joints went around. Strangely, everyone was absorbed in conversation today. I was brooding again and took a deep drag quite casually. It was only when I exhaled that I realized I had already put out my cigarette. I was holding a joint in my hand. I quickly passed it on. Nobody seemed to have noticed anything. The effect was as intense as it was when I took my first drag back then. Maybe even more intense. I immediately felt this pleasant, comfortable feeling and how my thoughts came to rest. On the one hand, I enjoyed it, but on the other hand, I was afraid of what this train could trigger. But it was too late for that anyway, so I leaned back and soaked up the atmosphere. The people sat relaxed and satisfied in a circle and talked about nice topics. I noticed how brightly purple strands of purple shone. The doorbell rang. A joint crossed my path and I took another drag. It didn't matter anymore. I went downstairs and opened the door.
“Surprise.”
I blinked a few times before I could say anything.
“Nikki? What are you doing here? Come in!”
“First you have to tell me if I can sleep here tonight. Then I'll send the cab away.”
“Sure, sure!”
We went up to the second floor.
“Do you have people visiting?”
“Yes, but now we're going up a floor where we can talk in peace.”
“And your people?”
“They won't even notice. Come on!”
“Where is Sean?”
“Oh him... he has a date tonight.”
“I see...”
Upstairs in the master bedroom, she told me that she had come to town to ask her old employer for a letter of recommendation. The limo service wasn't making as much money as it used to, and she was having trouble with some guy. Josh was staying with her parents in San Francisco for the time being. She didn't seem to be doing very well. She was taking some pills. She started to cry and put her arm around my shoulder. I felt so much for her. All feelings were so strong. I kissed her forehead almost fatherly, then we just looked at each other and it was like in the old days. Whenever one of us was down, the other was there to comfort him, usually with sex. Before I even thought about it, we were lying there, tightly embraced. Just like old times. It was almost surreal. It was as if she had appeared out of nowhere to catch me. When we had undone each other, Nikki wrapped herself in the blanket.
“Are you feeling better now?”
“Yes, how did you know?”
“Jordan, I can see how you are. I'm sorry, I liked Sean. Why did you break up?”
“We didn't break up. We had a fight, but we were able to work it out. He's out with colleagues.”
Nikki's face went stone.
“I should go. This was a big mistake.”
“Nikki, what's the matter all of a sudden?”
“You said he had a date, so I concluded... The last thing I want is to mess that up for you. I'll just go back...”
“Now just wait...”
She got dressed in record time and was already out the door when I was still looking for my T-shirt. By the time I came down, she had already disappeared. I went back to the others. They hadn't even noticed that she was there. Maybe I had imagined the whole thing...
Sean arrived around midnight and of course he wasn't exactly thrilled that there was smoking dope in the room where he wanted to sleep. The others had had enough anyway and left. Sean looked at me quizzically.
“Somehow you look different... .”
I felt my ears getting hot.
“What? Why?”
“Oh, I don't know... Well, how was your evening?”
“The usual... And you?”
“Very nice. Except for me being surrounded by women. I can tell you what they were talking about... Anyway, the movie was rather boring, which of course gave us a lot to talk about. After that, we had a drink and got totally stuck in chatting. I really enjoyed myself.”
“I'm glad. I'm kind of hungry. I'll make another sandwich and then go to bed, I think...”
“All right. Then I'll air out the place and tidy up a bit...”
That night I slept like a log. And the next morning I was almost convinced that Nikki had never really been here.
“Good morning. I've already prepared something to eat. It's almost noon. I want to leave in an hour.”
“What? Where to?”
“Oh, we were talking yesterday about how we all want to do a lot more sports. And to walk the talk, some of us are going for a swim later. Just an hour or so.”
“Oh, okay. Well, I still have to do something for school anyway.”
At seven that evening, Sean finally turned up. I had spent the whole day wondering whether I should smoke the joint that someone had forgotten. I couldn't bring myself to throw it in the toilet. In the end, I had smoked it.
“Hey. I'm back.”
“Yeah, I can see that.”
“I'm sorry, I'm a bit late.”
“Yeah, I can see that too...”
“I'll make it up to you...”
He kissed me and pushed up my T-shirt.
“Don't. Not now.”
“Is something wrong?”
“Sean, I've been sitting here all day. You said you'd be back soon. I needed you today.”
“Why? What's going on?”
“Forget it. Listen, I'm going out on the town tonight with Summer and the others, and I still have a lot to do before then. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?”
I pushed him to the front door.
“But what about us? We haven't taken advantage of the empty house yet.”
“Well, I've been here all day... It doesn't matter now... I'll see you tomorrow.”
When he had gone, I looked out of the window until he disappeared in his front door. Then I took my jacket and went out. I didn't know where to go myself until I stood in front of the house where Mex lived. I stood there for at least half an hour. I knew what would happen if I went in there. I was at the point we had discussed so often in the group. I also knew how it had come to this. And I knew what I had to do now. I went to the nearest bus stop and got on the next bus. Then I looked for the best way to get to my therapist. At half past eight I was standing in front of the house. Nobody was home, so I just sat down on the doorstep and waited.
Two hours later, Dr. Bishop and Dr. Berg came home.
“Jordan, what are you doing here? Come in.”
Dr. Berg went to the kitchen and made coffee. Dr. Bishop sat down with me in the living room.
“So, what happened?”
“I smoked pot last night. And I don't feel like it was just a one-time thing. I have a strong desire for harder things. I even stood in front of an old friend's house... .”
“Okay, you didn't go in, but you came to me. That was right. And have you noticed in the last few days that you were heading for a relapse?”
“I just didn't want to admit it to myself.”
“Okay, and can you tell me what you think triggered it?”
“We had that fight. And I felt backed into a corner, so I told Sean he could go out with other people.”
“And then he did?”
“Yes, but I think if I don't give him that freedom, I'll lose him.”
“Okay, but if you give him that freedom, what will happen to you?”
“I'll probably crash again.”
“And do you think that's what he would want? You have to talk to him about it, show him your limits too. You're pretty good at hiding it, he can't really know how bad you feel about it.”
“Yes, I know. But it's not that easy. But I'll try to talk to him about it...”
“Jordan, I know you don't want to hear this, but I feel that you are too close to the edge to fix it with talking. I think you should go to the clinic for a few weeks to stabilize yourself. Before you say anything: There's a two-week vacation from school now, so you wouldn't miss anything there. If you keep going like this, you'll end up back there anyway, but for longer. And then your graduation will be at risk. So it really is the most sensible thing not to put it off any longer. If you want, I'll also talk to your mother and explain to her that it's just a matter of prevention.”
“She's not at home. She'll be back tomorrow night.”
“So you're alone tonight? Then I'd prefer it if you slept here.”
Dr. Berg brought us coffee. He assured me that I would not be assigned to the ward where Nelson worked. Since Sean was his intern, he would not be involved in my treatment either. The thought of what my mom and Sean would say kept me up all night.
In the early afternoon, I called home and found out that my mom and Klaus were back already. Dr. Bishop drove me home and talked to them both. He explained that the aim was to prevent a relapse and to use the vacation to stabilize me and prevent my graduation from being in jeopardy. They actually took it quite well, especially my mom surprised me. She also said that Sean had been there several times and had asked about me. As we were wondering how best to tell him, the doorbell rang and he was there.
“Oh, hi. What's going on?”
“Why don't you sit down first. So. Jordan and I have decided that Jordan will spend the holidays in the clinic for stabilization.”
“What? Did something happen? Are you okay?”
“Yes... it's just prevention. Imagine if I collapsed just before the exams?”
“Okay. I've taken the week off. But of course I'll visit you and everything.”
“Yes, we can discuss all that. So, Dr. Bishop, thank you. I'll see you at the clinic tomorrow morning.”
I started packing. Sean was sitting on my bed.
“So, what exactly happened? Dr. Bishop wouldn't come here on Sunday for no reason.”
“Sean, I don't want to and can't talk about it now. I still have so much to do.”
“Okay, I understand that. But you know, I was worried about you. You were so strange last night and then you just disappeared again...”
“Yes, I know. It's a bad habit. I was with Dr. Bishop, as always. But now I really don't want to talk about it anymore.”
I was standing at the closet, going through the drawers. Sean came over to me and hugged me from behind. He whispered in my ear
“I'm always here for you, Jordan. You're the love of my life.”
Then he stepped back, stretched, and spoke in a normal voice again.
“So, can I do something to help?”
I handed him a load of laundry that needed to be washed and dried by tomorrow.
Sean
asked me a few days later if there was someone at the clinic. I admitted that there was someone, but when I saw the shock in his eyes, I couldn't say that it had already happened. I just couldn't refuse his offer to see what happened with Emily. The following Friday, I went to the movies with her and a few others. When I came home, the place was full of smoke and Jordan was acting strangely. He ate a sandwich with sausage, which seemed very strange to me, and then he fell into bed and slept. I stayed up half the night thinking about the evening. I realized that I was starting to fall in love with Emily. But somehow it felt more like an escape, as if I was looking for an excuse to break up with Jordan. He was acting more and more strangely. And he slept and slept.
The next day, I decided to meet up with the others again. Strangely, only Emily showed up for a swim. We had a really nice afternoon and the time just flew by. I didn't think much about what was going on with Jordan. A big mistake, as it turned out. When I went to see him that evening, he seemed restless. He didn't want to talk and immediately pushed me out the door. He did say something like, “I needed you today.” That worried me. Around midnight, I knocked on his window, but he didn't seem to be there yet.
The next day, I rang the bell and then waited until Carol and Klaus came back. Jordan hadn't come home that night. Carol sent me home and said she'd take care of everything. Late that afternoon, I saw Dr. Bishop's car in the driveway and went over immediately. Something was wrong, and it turned out that it was. Officially, Jordan was supposed to be in the clinic for prevention, but I knew that the relatives of relapsing patients were often told that. I was so scared. No one told me what was actually going on. Jordan didn't want to talk, he was so dismissive. It was awful. I couldn't do anything but help him pack. He already indicated that he didn't want any visitors for a while. His mother took it surprisingly easy. Jordan went to bed at ten and sent me home. I cried myself to sleep and swore to myself that I would no longer see Emily and would do everything I could to make Jordan feel better. It was my fault that he had to go back to the clinic, I was sure of it.
Jordan
The next morning, Klaus drove me to the clinic. I had chosen this because the risk of embarrassing goodbye moments was lowest with him. I also said that I would be fine without visitors for a while, but that I would appreciate phone calls. After all the formalities were taken care of, I was put in a room with two others on the ward I had never been to before. Of course, most of the staff still looked familiar to me, and Dr. Berg and three female interns were present during the visit. I wondered if she was there.
One of my roommates was in his late forties and psychotic. There wasn't really much to start with with him. The other one was in his mid-twenties and was being treated for depression as a result of alcohol withdrawal. He seemed quite nice and was happy to finally have someone to start with. I noticed that his hair was pitch black, but his eyes were quite light, blue-gray or something. He asked me if he should show me around.
“Thanks for the offer, but I've been here for rehab before.”
“Alcohol too?”
“No, illegal drugs.”
“Oh, okay. Well, have you got your therapy plan yet?”
“Yes, the addiction group is this afternoon. I assume you're going there too?”
“Twice a week, yes. OK, so what else do you want to do today? I don't want to impose and I won't be angry if you say no, but I've recently been allowed out, but only with a fellow patient or relative.”
“Yes, of course, I'd like that.”
After the group, we set out to explore the area. Of course, I still had a lot to show Vince, as he was called. The nearest supermarket, leisure activities and so on. We had probably been walking for over an hour and had been talking non-stop. Slowly, the topics became more personal. I told him about my addiction and he told me about his. And at some point, it was also about who was close to you and so on. He suddenly became rather reserved.
“Hey, if it's getting too personal for you, it's really no problem, Vince. I mean, we just met today. That's okay.”
“No, it's not. I can talk to you. And we have similar problems, I don't want to scare you off.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I've had bad experiences with being too open here in the clinic....
“I'm not easily shocked, so tell me what you want to say.”
I was really curious to see what would come next.
“Okay, you'll find out about it sooner or later anyway. I've already had to change rooms because of it once and was stuck with that guy who doesn't get it anyway. So I'd rather know where I stand right away...”
“Now you're making it exciting!”
“Okay, I want to start off by saying that I'm in a 100% monogamous relationship.”
“Okay, Vince, that's nice. What else?”
“Okay and please don't say anything for now, just listen to the end. So I'm gay, it may well be that my boyfriend, David, visits me, I don't want you to be totally offended, so I'll tell you right away. The guys in the other room suddenly didn't want to sleep in the same room with me anymore, change and so on. But that's absolute nonsense, I love my boyfriend and only him and I'm not interested in anyone else, so...
He got really nervous, I felt like I had to say something. I couldn't help but grin.
“Vince, just wait a minute.”
“Don't laugh about it, I'm serious.”
“I'm sorry. Really. Okay, I'm just realizing a few things.”
“If you're going to say that I come across as a sissy or something...”
“No, don't go on the defensive right away. What I realize is why they put us in the same room.”
“What's that supposed to mean?”
He looked pretty irritated.
“Calm down, Vince. All I'm saying is that it's quite possible that my friend will come to visit too.”
“You're making fun of me, right?”
“No, honestly.”
“Really? That's amazing, I would never have thought that. Man, that's a load off my mind.”
When we came back, it was already time. David was waiting in the room with our psychotic, who was telling him how he had written one hit after another with Elvis back in the day. Fortunately, he was being taken to an examination at that very moment. I shook David's hand. He was in his mid-30s, well-dressed, and wore horn-rimmed glasses.
“Hey, I'm Jordan. I've been in here since this morning too.”
“Hello. David. I'm a colleague of Vince.”
“So that's what they call it these days. I think I'll leave you two alone. If I ask the nurses nicely, they'll let me call my friend from their phone.”
I noticed David's perplexed face, then I went to the nurses' station. I was lucky and knew someone.
“Hello Mr. Bonanno, so you're back. How are you?”
“Actually, I'm doing quite well. I'm only here for stabilization, as they say, but I'm sure you know that.”
“Yes, of course. And how can I help you?”
“Who says I want something?”
“My experience with you.”
“Touché. Actually, you could help me. As you probably noticed, my roommate just got a visitor... .”
“Let me guess! Now you want a new room.”
“No, not at all. I just want to give them some privacy. But I have an urgent call to make. That's why I wanted to ask...”
“Only if it's really urgent.”
“Of course.”
“But hurry up.”
She let me through to the back and I dialed Sean's number. Since we had agreed on the time, he answered the phone himself.
“Hello, it's me.
“Hey Jordan. How are you? Have you settled in yet?”
“Yes, it feels like coming home. That's why I wanted to tell you that you don't have to visit me this week.”
“Are you sure? I miss you... .”
“Yes, I know, I miss you too. But believe me, it's better this way.”
“But next week, when I start working again. I'll see you then, okay?”
“Yes, of course. Well, I have to go. I love you.”
“I love you. Take good care of yourself, okay? And be nice to the others.”
“Of course. See you then.”
“See you.”
Sister Nadine looked at me reproachfully.
“So that was your urgent conversation?”
“That's why I was extra brief.”
“At least. So, Mr. Bonanno, are you hiding your girlfriend from us or why can't she visit?”
“I think I'll go check on things in my room. Enough privacy.”
The next morning, Vince and I went to relaxation therapy together. After that, we sat in the sun for a bit until rounds started. Dr. Berg came along the way.
“Ah, Mr. Bonanno, Mr. Yadis! I knew you would get along.”
“I suspected you. You arranged for us to be put in the same room.”
“Indeed. And have you found out why yet? Apart from the obvious, I mean.”
“Yes, I've already met David.”
“Good. Well, it's almost ten. You should go back to your room.”
We did just that, but then had to wait forever for the doctor to come to us.
“So Dr. Berg has known you for a while, huh?”
“Yes, last time I was mainly in his ward.”
“He really thought about it. Tell me, how long have you been with your boyfriend?”
“Since November.”
“That's still relatively fresh. And is everything going well?”
“It doesn't seem that fresh to me. Whether everything is going well... hard to say. Right now, everything is a little... difficult.”
“Do you think you'll work it out?”
“Yes, of course. It's just a low point.”
“Yes, these things happen, they work themselves out. And if not, other fish have nice fins, too. During the rounds, for example. The interns always change shifts. And on Tuesday and Thursday there's one of them... I'll tell you, I almost wish my relationship with David wasn't so monogamous. I think it's a disgrace anyway that there are half a dozen female interns but only two male ones. And the one is short, chubby and spotty. Well...
The door opened and a flood of people in lab coats came in. We were asked to step outside first, the psychotic was first in line. As we walked out, Vince asked the group:
“Where are the rest of the interns?”
“Some of them have the week off.”
The pimply-faced guy said to a girl:
“I know someone who's very sad about that.”
The girl blushed. Vince played the disappointed one.
“I guess that means Mr. Wittmore is already taken.”
The girl was still red, but went along with it.
“Well, I'm sorry, nothing can be done.”
Dr. Berg looked at me in astonishment. I made sure to get out of the room. Vince was right behind me.
“Jordan, are you okay? This is the big round of visits, but if there are too many people for you, then you can probably ask for the interns to leave.”
Vince looked at me with concern.
“It's okay, it was just a momentary thing. I'm fine now.”
When it was my turn, Dr. Berg made sure that I was only questioned as briefly as possible and pointed out that Dr. Bishop was in the building today. I understood the hint, but I didn't feel the need for a one-on-one conversation. I kept glancing at the girl, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible.
In the afternoon, I ran into her in front of a therapy room. There wasn't much traffic in the hallway and I was the first person waiting. She sat on the middle of three plastic chairs and greeted me with a smile. She was quite pretty.
“Do you have a watch?”
“Yes, it's a quarter to.”
“Oh, then I'm pretty early. For the addiction group.”
“Yes, I know, I was there during your visit.”
“Oh yes, right, you were the one with the red head.”
“Yes, that was me.”
Her ears were blushing again.
“Your colleague was really very tactless.”
“Yes, that was typical of him.”
I could tell that she would have liked to cut the conversation short. She was probably unsure about how much she was allowed to talk to patients at all.
“I can tell you're uncomfortable, I can wait outside if you prefer….”
“No, it's nice, but I just feel uncomfortable talking about this.”
“I see, it must still be fresh in your mind.”
“Yes, you could say that.”
“Well, the week will be over quickly. And we can meet outside of work.”
“Sure, that's what I thought too. But... oh, it's complicated... We don't know each other that well yet, so we don't talk about everything. I don't know why, but he said he wouldn't be home this week. But I found out by accident that he is here after all... .”
Suddenly she seemed to remember who she was talking to.
“I don't want to be rude, but I don't think this conversation is appropriate. You're a patient here...”
“Yes, of course, I'm sorry.”
I had heard enough, got up and stood a few feet away. Vince came around the corner and I talked to him. When the door was unlocked, she went in, to my amazement. She probably noticed my irritated look.
“I'm doing this internship to decide what I want to study. Medicine or psychology.”
“Oh, I thought you were already a student.”
“No, I just finished school earlier.”
So she was not only pretty, but also smart. I didn't like that at all.
Of course, Dr. Bishop approached me. I had expected that. But what he said caught me off guard.
“I talked to Jeff. You knew about it, right?”
I nodded and wondered at the sharp tone.
“Jordan, you faked a relapse so that I would admit you and you could get an idea of what's going on, right?”
“Do you think I'm that calculating?”
“Just answer me.”
“No, it wasn't like that. I knew that Sean was interested in an intern and that they had been hanging out a couple of times in group. That was also what triggered the relapse. I didn't fake anything.”
“Why didn't you tell me about her when I suggested the clinic?”
“I don't know. What would that have changed?”
“It would have prevented me from feeling manipulated.”
“I'm sorry. Honestly.”
“All right.”
The weekend came and Mom visited me after all. She had Laura with her. Vince was just out walking David when they arrived. I was glad they were there. I had actually missed Laura. Mom talked to the nurses in their room and I watched Laura fall asleep on my bed. Vince and David came back and were naturally surprised to see a baby.
“Jordan, do you want to tell us something?”
“May I introduce my sister Laura?”
“And where did she come from?”
“David, you should explain to your friend about the bees and flowers.”
“Haha. I mean, where did she come from all of a sudden?”
“My mom brought her. She's standing out there talking to the sisters.”
“You mean that hot woman in her twenties standing out there whose ass I just checked out? There's no way that could be your mother.”
We looked at David in amazement.
“What, you're not allowed to appreciate perfection, regardless of gender?”
“That's really gross. That's my mom, so control yourself. And she's more in her mid-thirties.”
I had to show them how that was possible first, I already knew that. Then I introduced them, giving David another admonishing look.
Monday came. Sean had to be back, but he wasn't present during the rounds. I didn't meet him otherwise either. I wouldn't really have known how to deal with it, especially if she had been there.
On Tuesday after gymnastics, Vince unnecessarily reminded me that it was Tuesday.
“Today is the day, today the interns from the other wards are also on the grand rounds. I'm curious to see what you think of him. He's just perfect. Tall, slim, blond, handsome, always smiling. And he's smart too. You don't find that too often.”
I was very proud, of course, but I just said that I was very curious to see if he wasn't promising too much.
Around eleven there was a knock at the door and the whole gaggle of white coats poured in. Vince and I headed straight for the exit, because the psychotic was first in line as usual. It got quite crowded in places and we squeezed past the interns on our way out the door. There were at least eight or nine of them. Of course, Sean was one of them. I hadn't seen him for a whole week and suddenly realized how much I missed him. He was standing in the doorway holding it open for us. Vince squeezed past closer than necessary and greeted him with a hello that was politely returned by Sean. Our eyes met briefly and at the moment I was closest to him, it was almost unbearably difficult not to touch him at least fleetingly.
When the door closed behind us, Vince patted me on the shoulder.
“I knew he was your type.”
“I haven't said anything about it yet!”
“You didn't need to, you undressed him with your eyes.”
“Oh nonsense.”
“All right, I won't tell your friend if you don't tell mine.”
Sean
I spent my week off at home, reading up on the diagnosis of borderline. I recognized some of it in Jordan, but luckily not the rest. It was likely that the symptoms were more pronounced earlier on.
During the week, I really missed him a lot. I almost wanted to go and see him a few times, but how could I have explained that there? I had to wait.
On Monday, as always, there was a lot going on, some new patients and so on. I didn't get around to going to Jordan. And Emily kept trying to get me to explain why I hadn't gotten in touch all week.
On Tuesday, I was on rounds with Jordan's ward, as always. I had already found out which room he was in. He was doing quite well with his roommates. One of them was always wandering the corridors and talked about Elvis and Mr. Yadis. An artist, not in the deepest of depressions, alcohol withdrawal, obviously gay. During my first week, I had attended all the psychotherapies to see where the patients were sent. He had been my partner in body awareness training. He seemed really nice, the only thing that bothered me was that he kept hitting on me, even if it was just for fun, because his partner visited him regularly. He was quite a bit older and looked like a mixture between a businessman and an art dealer. In any case, I was sure that Jordan would get along well with Mr. Yadis. As the visit drew ever closer to his room, I started to get nervous. What would it be like to see Jordan as a patient? I had never really thought about what it meant to have a relative in the “madhouse”. And I missed him so much, but I couldn't show it. Mr. Yadis and he left the room together. They seemed to have become friends already. I held the door open for them and said a quick hello. I just wanted to reach out and touch him. I had to see him.
Jordan
My visit was once again kept short, I didn't need any medication and I was otherwise well looked after. I didn't see Sean at all, he was probably standing in some corner. Right after the visit, the psychotic was brought in for an examination and Vince had a one-on-one talk. I was reading something for school when there was a knock at the door. Sean came in. I jumped up immediately.
“Sean, there you are. I missed you so much.”
“Yeah, I know, me too. Come here.”
He pulled me close and kissed me. I was so happy. Actually, I had intended to confront him immediately about how this chick came to claim that he was taken. But I preferred to enjoy what was happening. I was more relaxed than I had been during any relaxation therapy. We became more and more passionate. Sean pushed me around the corner and against the closet. I pulled off his lab coat and pulled his shirt out of his pants. He unfastened the zipper of my jacket and took it off me. When I unbuttoned his pants and stuck my hand into his underpants, he pulled the emergency brake. Someone had to do it. He held me at a distance with his hand, but continued to kiss me tenderly. He caressed my cheek and kissed my neck. The door closed around the corner. Sean quickly zipped up his pants and hurriedly tucked his shirt back in. I went around the corner where Vince had just come in.
“Hey, I'm back. What happened to you?”
My jacket was lying on the floor behind me, my hair was standing on end in all directions and my lips could probably also be seen doing what they had been doing until just now.
“Oh, Jordan, do you have a visitor? I only had half a one-on-one conversation today, so you probably didn't expect me yet. Well then, introduce me to your friend!”
“Vince... actually... listen, I'm sorry...”.
We entered the room where Sean was just picking up his coat. He put on his professional smile.
“Mr. Yadis, hello.”
Vince's mouth fell open.
“Jordan, are you serious? I mean, it's really none of my business, and I know I've been talking about it all the time and everything, but there's a difference between talking about it and actually doing it... I mean, I know that your friend means a lot to you. What will he say?”
Sean grinned broadly.
“Mr. Yadis, I'm impressed by how you're standing up for someone you haven't even met yet, but I think I can say with absolute certainty that Jordan's boyfriend won't mind.”
“Oh, you think so? You know, there are also monogamous gay relationships! So I don't think you know anything about what bothers Jordan's boyfriend or not.”
That was typical of Vince. Always on the offensive. Sean took it with humor.
“At least I know the name of Jordan's friend. Do you know him?”
Vince became rather meek. Sean put his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him.
“Jordan, maybe you could tell us the name of your mysterious friend.”
He grinned at me.
“That would be Sean Wittmore. I'm sorry, Vince, I should have told you earlier, but I didn't really know how.”
“What? Both of you? You hooked up with him? He's actually gay?”
“I'm definitely here, hello?”
“Sean and I have been together for a few months, yes. We went to school together.”
“And what about the girl who is posing as his girlfriend?”
“What? As my girlfriend?!”
I should have guessed that Vince would bring up this topic...
“Yeah, sure, during the ward round last week. I asked her if you were taken and she replied, 'Sorry, no can do'.”
“Please?! I only kissed her once!”
“Interesting...”
Sean looked at me guiltily.
“Yes, I know. After swimming, just on impulse. I didn't have a chance to tell you about it yet. But nothing happened since. I didn't promise her anything or anything like that. And we had talked about it... When I realized that it was bothering you, I stopped right away. But if that's what she thinks, it explains why she was so weird to me yesterday and today.”
“I think I'll leave you to it... One more thing: I assume that you have agreed to be open about your relationship. And I can tell you from my own experience that this only leads to heartache. If you do decide to do it, honesty is the top priority, and by that I don't mean telling each other who you're doing what with, but also telling each other immediately if it gets too much for one of you. So, I'll see you.”
Vince disappeared. Before Sean could say anything, I shot out:
“I can't handle it anymore. I can't handle it. I'm sorry.”
“I know. I'm sorry. I got cold feet. And I didn't pay enough attention to you and now you're back here. But I'll take care of her, I promise.”
“It's not your fault. I should have known better. In therapy, we keep hearing the same thing over and over again. You're supposed to recognize the warning signs. And I just ignored them. Sean, I smoked pot and slept with Nikki in that state. I'm sorry.”
“What? When? What are you talking about?”
“That weekend before I came here.”
“But Nikki's in L.A.”
“She was in town for a few days.”
Sean was quite upset, of course. The door opened and the psychotic was brought in. In the hallway, we saw the cart with the food.
“I have to go too.”
Sean was gone. I hoped he would understand. After all, he had suggested this open relationship.
Sean
As soon as the visit was over, I cut my losses and went back to his room. Of course, I had found out beforehand that none of his roommates would be there. We were very happy to see each other, until Mr. Yadis came back from his one-on-one meeting early. The conversation with him turned out to be very... interesting. He was very concerned about Jordan, but I couldn't quite figure out why. And he brought up the subject of Emily. She had apparently claimed to be my girlfriend during a visit. I was amazed at how quickly I came up with the right lie. I had to make a partial confession to avoid being completely exposed. So I said I kissed her once. I promised to take care of it. Then Jordan told me about Nikki. I know I had no right to be upset about it, but that's the way it was. Before we could talk about it, I had to leave.
Jordan
I went out, got my food and sat down with Vince.
“Well, did you manage to sort it out?”
“I don't know. We'll see. I don't know.”
“I see... So, you and the intern, huh? I guess I don't have to tell you what a good catch you've made in my opinion.”
“Yes, but listen, don't broadcast this, okay?”
“I see. Whatever you say...”
“You know how it is, you've had enough bad experiences. And Sean's parents don't know, so...”
“Seriously? Your own family should know who you are...”
“I agree with you, but I have to respect Sean's wishes.”
I went to the addiction group again a quarter of an hour early. She was there again, but this time Sean was with her. I just saw their hands separate. I was about to go back the other way, but they both looked in my direction. I decided to just walk past as inconspicuously as possible. As I walked past them, I heard her voice.
Sean
I tried to talk to Emily that afternoon. I actually wanted to tell her that it was over, but I couldn't. She was just too perfect. If only we had met earlier. We were standing in the hallway, she was waiting for some group. At some point she took my hand. I liked her, but Jordan... But how should I tell her that? As we were standing there, someone turned the corner, whereupon we reflexively let go. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was Jordan. He must have seen it. He just walked past us. I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Emily spoke to him.
Jordan
“Mr. Bonanno, the addiction group is here in therapy room 2.”
“Oh, yes, of course. I almost walked right past it.”
“Aren't you feeling so well today?”
God, she had that psychologist patter down pat.
“No, I was just lost in thought.”
“Do you know Mr. Wittmore?”
“Yes, of course. From the visit today. Did you have a nice vacation?”
“Yes, thank you, very relaxing.”
“Good. Well then, I won't disturb the young couple any longer. I'll just go to the bathroom and cut my wrists.”
At first no one said anything. Then I heard them whispering behind me.
Sean
He said it in a tone as if he had just told us that he was taking out the trash and just went on. Emily was totally shocked and looked at me for help. I gestured for her to wait here and went after him. She didn't think about waiting and went to get someone. I didn't take what Jordan had said seriously for a moment. I was really mad at him.
Jordan
I went into the bathroom. Sean followed me, but of course not the girl. He spoke softly but urgently.
“Jordan, what are you doing? She's probably getting a doctor now, and how do you want to explain that?”
“Dr. Berg's office is right over there, so she's probably getting him.”
“And what do you want that for?”
“Well, this. You and me, alone.”
I took his hand. He pulled it away.
“This is really not funny. Do you know what a fright you gave her?”
“Do you know how little that bothers me right now? You said you'd sort it out with her!”
“I haven't had a chance yet!”
“Oh, please! I have eyes in my head!”
Dr. Berg entered.
“Jordan, you're not going to hurt yourself, are you?”
“Not me, but maybe him.”
“Dr. Berg, I'm sorry. He only said that because...”
“...you're having an affair with the intern out there?”
Sean looked pretty shocked.
“How did you...”
“She's pretty open about it. Maybe she should have kept it a secret when you told her you were with someone else. I think you should come with me to my office.”
The intern was nervously pacing the hallway.
“Everyone in my office. You too.”
We all three waddled after him. Sean looked at me reproachfully. Everyone was given a chair.
“Now, everyone tell me what they expect from this conversation.”
“I have no idea what this is about. A patient has announced that he will take his own life. I got them and now I'm sitting here as if I had done something wrong. I expect to be told what is actually going on.”
“Okay, thank you. Mr. Bonanno?”
“I expect honesty, nothing more.”
“Good. And Mr. Wittmore?”
“I expect this conversation to end in a fiasco and I hope the ground opens up and swallows me.”
“Quite understandable. Well, I think the first thing we should do is clarify your relationship to each other. Mrs...?”
“Collins.”
“Mrs. Collins, would you like to start?”
“Okay, so Mr. Bonanno is a patient I see on rounds and in the addiction group. Last week he asked me for the time. That's all. And Sean... Mr. Wittmore... is my boyfriend, I guess, but fairly new.”
“Okay, I'd like to go into that in more detail. What makes you think he's your boyfriend?”
“Isn't that very personal?”
“I don't want any details, just in general, how do you determine that?”
“Well, we go out, kiss and so on... .”
I couldn't take it anymore... I had to say something!
“And have sex?”
“Um, yes, all that kind of stuff.”
“All right, I think I'll actually go cut my wrists now....
“Mr. Bonanno, we're not done here yet. Before we clarify how the others would define their relationships, I would like to offer you, Mr. Wittmore, the opportunity to perhaps salvage something after all. If I continue this conversation, the question of your relationship with the other two will be very easy to answer with 'none'. So, do you have something to say?”
“I would like to clarify at least one relationship, I think.”
He turned to her, not to me.
“Emily, it's true, we went out together, we kissed, we slept together. I'm sorry, I should have told you this earlier. I'm still in a committed relationship. I wish I had met you a year ago. That's all I'm going to say in this context and now excuse me.”
With a wave of his hand, he made it clear that he wanted to be left alone. I stayed seated, Emily did not.
Sean
It was just too much, I just wanted to get away. And I left, after I had told Emily that I was still with someone else. I actually said “still”, which I realized later when I had gone over this conversation a thousand times in my head. She ran after me when I left the room and said the following:
“Sean, wait. You can't just spring this on me after everything. You should have told me a month ago when we were sleeping together. I love you, after all. And you said you felt the same way.”
Jordan must have heard all of this. But I really had no idea what would happen, that he would go that far. Otherwise I would never have left. That was the last time I saw him for a very long time.
Jordan
They were in the hallway, their voices growing ever quieter.
“Jordan, don't you want to come?”
“I can't. I just don't have any strength left, no feelings left. A month. That's how long. And he's in love with her. I feel like I just can't get any sadder, no matter what happens. Please just let me go.”
“What will you do then?”
I knew exactly what I would do then. But I didn't say anything.
“Jordan, come on, I'll take you to the ward.”
“I know which ward you mean and I'm not going there.”
I slowly but clearly took my pocket knife out of my pocket.
He stood up and went to the emergency button on the wall.
“Please, just let me go.”
“I can't do that. Someone will be here soon.”
I stood up.
“Jordan, don't do this. Don't push it.”
“I just want to get out of here. It smells like him here.”
I turned the knife around so that I held the blade firmly in my fist.
“We can go out into the hallway together, yes? But you have to stay with me.”
“If someone comes to take me to the locked ward, I'll press it.”
We went out into the hallway. Vince was just turning the corner.
“Hey Jordan, are you running late for addiction support group too?”
“I don't think I'm going today.”
Vince looked at the knife in my hand.
“What's going on?”
He wasn't asking me, but the doctor.
“Go, someone will be right with you.”
“No, I'm not going. I want to know what's going on!”
I heard the concern in his voice.
“Mr. Bonanno is acutely suicidal. Go. There's nothing you can do right now.”
“Jordan? Please, you can't leave me alone with the psychotic.”
He came up to me and took my free hand. I felt something again. Sadness. Unbelievable hopelessness. Despair. I couldn't stop this avalanche anymore, everything collapsed on me. My legs gave way. After that, I only remember the pain in my hand.
Sean
Emily followed me outside. Of course, she demanded an explanation. We sat down on a bench and I began to tell her. I was so angry at Jordan for putting me in this situation and I knew it would never be the same between us again. Emily listened to me. She asked questions, but without judgment. It felt good to be honest. She seemed to understand me. We didn't go back inside until almost five. One of the doctors came up to me immediately and told me that Dr. Bishop urgently wanted to see me. I thought he wanted to give me a dressing-down.
He greeted me briefly and asked me to sit down. Then he started to tell me what had happened. Stunned, I listened. At the end, he asked me what I wanted. Did I want to go upstairs to be with him, or did I no longer want to be with him and stay away from him? He made it clear to me that there were no gray areas. He was very upset himself by the whole thing, after all, Dr. Berg was affected. When I told him that I couldn't be with Jordan anymore, he told me that he also planned to refer Jordan to another therapist. That day, I didn't go home, but stayed with Emily. I realized that I couldn't go back to that clinic. I wasn't angry at Jordan anymore; I knew it was my fault. I hadn't been a good friend to him. I was too weak. Never in my life had I failed anywhere, and now I'm completely messing up the most important relationship in my life.
Jordan
When I came to, my head hurt indescribably. I felt as if I hadn't slept for days. Every single muscle in my body ached. Someone was holding my hand. I couldn't lift my head to see who it was. Then I fell asleep again.
It was light out, I opened my eyes. A figure was standing by the window. I recognized Summer. When she saw that my eyes were open, she came over, lay down beside me and buried her face in my neck. She was crying. I couldn't keep awake.
The next time I woke up, there was a doctor in the room.
“Mr. Bonanno, we lowered the dose of sedatives. So you should be able to stay awake now.”
I didn't feel like I could sleep anymore either.
“Where is Dr. Berg?”
“He's not on duty today. Do you remember what happened?”
I nodded.
“Do you know where you are?”
“In the locked ward, probably.”
“Yes. Well, I'll leave you alone now. If you need anything, just ring. And try not to get up just yet. Take it easy.”
“How long have I been out?”
“Today is Friday. Nine o'clock in the morning.”
“That long? Okay, thanks.”
I stretched first. I felt completely limp, like I did when I had the flu. I sat up slowly. Everything started spinning. After about half an hour, I felt ready to get up. A nurse came into the room. Of course, everything here was monitored by cameras.
“Can I help you?”
“I'd like to take a shower.”
“You should first regain your balance. Take another turn in the hallway. I'll find protection for your bandage.”
I looked at my hand, probably quite astonished.
“Do you still remember what happened?”
“Yes, I just didn't know it was that bad.”
“Most of the cuts needed to be stitched up. But it didn't hit any tendons, so it will heal well.”
I did a round and the nurse seemed satisfied with what she saw.
“Good, then you can go shower. Your clothes are in your locker. Of course, we went through your things.”
“I understand.”
After that, I felt a little better and I started to think about what had happened. I had to find out if he had visited me, so I went back to the nurse.
“Do you feel better now?”
“Yes, I do. Listen, I wanted to ask who visited me.”
“Well, there was Mr. Yadis and a girl with purple highlights.”
“No one else? An intern from another ward, maybe?”
“Interns aren't allowed here. No one else was there.”
“And what about my mother?”
“She was notified, of course.”
“She wasn't here?”
“I'm sorry...”
I didn't know what hit me more.
“Can I use the phone?”
“Of course. Here you go.”
I called home. Klaus answered.
“Hey, it's me. I just wanted to say that I'm awake.”
“Yes, the clinic called us when your dosage was reduced.”
“Oh. And when are you coming to visit me?”
“Jordan, look, I'm sorry, but your mother doesn't feel ready to see you right now. The whole thing must have brought up too many old memories.”
“Yes, but don't you think so with me? Sean hasn't been there either.”
“I'm sorry to hear that. But I don't know anything about that. Look, I have to go...”.
“Dad, wait... I mean Klaus. Please. Does she want to do it like last time and only visit me after eight months? I need you now.”
“Jordan, I don't know what to tell you. I'm hanging up now.”
“Wait! Hello? Hello?!”
I couldn't believe it. The nurse looked at me with concern.
“You just have to give it some time.”
“I don't think so. I have the feeling that I blew my last chance. How long do I have to stay here?”
“That's up to the doctors. But it's the weekend now anyway.”
I had completely forgotten about school. It would start again on Monday. Definitely without me. I would be lucky if I wasn't in the psychiatric ward by then. The bell on the station door rang. I saw Vince through the window. I let the nurse in.
“Jordan, you're awake! Man, you scared me!”
He pulled me into his arms and just held me for a while. All I could think about was how glad I was to have showered. The nurse agreed that we could go to my room.
“Jordan, man, my new roommate is a total jerk. You better get back on the open one soon.”
“I don't know if I want to. The idea of running into Sean...”
“Hasn't anyone told you yet? He quit. After he heard what happened, he quit.”
“Oh...”
“I also heard what happened. Dr. Berg told me. I hope that's okay.”
“Yes, sure. And you were there too, I remember that.”
“Yes...
“And you visited me here, right? You held my hand...”
“Yes, that's right.”
“Thank you. I've only known you for a couple of weeks and yet you're there. My own mother hasn't visited me yet.”
“I'm sorry to hear that.”
The nurse came with food.
“I don't think I can eat this.”
“Try to eat as much as you can. You can share the rest with Mr. Yadis. I'm afraid he's missing lunch on his own ward.”
Vince stayed forever. At some point, the topic came up again about Sean.
“I've lost him, I know that.”
“Maybe for now, but definitely not forever. You will find each other again, I am convinced of that. You have hope. Many would envy you for that.”
He looked overly affected.
“Are you okay?”
“No, I have to tell you something.”
I put my hand on his.
“What is it?”
“David is sick. We've known about it for years. But now his T-cell count has skyrocketed and he has an infection. He's been in the hospital since yesterday. It all seems to indicate that it's broken out.”
“AIDS?”
He nodded.
“And you?”
“I'm negative. We're being very careful.”
“Vince, I'm so sorry.”
“I'm losing him, Jordan. And then there's no hope left. He'll be buried somewhere to rot. And then I'll be all alone. I'm so afraid of that.”
“Can't you go to him now?”
“We talked about it. If I go out in this situation, I'll definitely relapse. No, I have to stay here.”
“I don't know what to say. I'm here for you.”
I gave him a handkerchief and put my hand on his shoulder. I had to say something.
“How did you guys meet?”
“Oh, that was a long time ago. I had just graduated from high school. He was already in his late twenties and an aspiring gallerist. By chance, he came across some of my pictures. At that time, my pictures were still quite immature. But he saw the potential and wanted to meet me. One thing led to another. And after two years, we wanted to conquer L.A. together. Then he got the diagnosis. This is one of the leading clinics in the field, so we decided to stay here and be monogamous from now on. It wasn't always easy for me to live with the fear that it could break out at any time. I took refuge in alcohol. That's why I'm here.”
“Do I actually know anything about you?”
“Well, I think you know the mural in the shopping center...”.
“The huge one above the fountain? With the mermaids? That's yours?”
“Yeah, I worked on that for four weeks.”
“I love that picture! I always sat down to eat in view of it.”
I told him what came to my mind when I looked at the picture, and he told me how it was created.
“We want to go to L.A. too, Sean and I....
“All of a sudden it came back to me.
“Jordan, are you okay? I know it's hard.”
“What am I going to do now? Go to L.A. by myself? After graduating from school? Or can I not do that at all? I'm locked up in here. And I can't go home either. I really don't know what to do...”
There was a knock at the door.
“Summer!”
“Hey, Vince!”
“Do you know each other?”
“We've only met in the last few days.”
“Your shopping mall picture is from him.”
“I just found that out too.”
The two of them came every day. Summer hadn't heard from Sean either. I guess I'd have to wait until I was transferred. Summer, Vince and I talked a lot about our future plans. If necessary, I wanted to go to L.A. alone to make music. Summer wanted to try her luck as an actress. She definitely had the necessary penchant for self-promotion. Vince also saw his future in L.A. We logically decided to go there together as soon as nothing kept us here.
Two weeks went by. Hannah gave Summer my homework and I didn't really have anything else to do here between the individual therapies anyway.
I was finally transferred back to Vince in the open ward. I just didn't think about Sean and Mum, then I didn't feel too bad. Hannah came to visit me once, but left after half an hour. We just didn't have anything to say to each other. Every now and then I called home, but only ever got Klaus on the phone. The conversations always went the same way.
“We're glad you're feeling better, but we still don't want to visit you.”
Finally, Vince felt strong enough to take a cab to David's clinic. When he came back, he felt miserable. He didn't want to talk about it, he just wanted to be alone, so I walked around the corridors a bit.
I also met Dr. Berg.
“Dr. Berg.”
“Jordan, I have to keep going...”
I could see that he just wanted to get out of my way.
“Wait. I wanted to apologize. I must have really frightened you.”
“Yes, you did. You pulled a knife. I didn't know who you would have pointed it at. That was the worst day of my life, professionally speaking, so please understand if I just keep walking now.”
I didn't get a chance to say anything at all. Dr. Bishop had referred me to another therapist, so I didn't see him either. I had pretty much driven away all the people who had even remotely meant something to me.
Sean
The next two weeks were hell for me. I had no idea how he was doing. The staff wasn't allowed to tell me anything. His mother wasn't visiting. Most of the others in the gang didn't even know about it. Summer wasn't talking to me. There was no one I could ask. After two weeks, I at least found out that he had been transferred back to an open ward. I tried very gently to ask Emily what she knew about it, but she immediately blocked.
Jordan
As I was lost in my dark thoughts, a white coat came around the corner. Emily stopped immediately, about three meters in front of me. She turned around.
“Wait!”
“Just leave me alone!”
“Please! Do you still see Sean? Of course you do. Please, tell him to at least call me. Tell him he promised me that he would be there for me, even if only as a good friend. No matter what happens. He said that. Please! Tell him to call me!”
“Like hell I will. He's much better off without you. Stay away from him.”
She was gone. So she definitely knew. And she was in contact with him. He had probably already introduced her to his parents. I needed to blow off some steam. I remembered the punching bag that was hanging in a recreation room. I beat on it for half an hour until my knuckles were bleeding. From then on, I did that every day and I also tried to do a lot of other sports. It did me good. I gained weight and my whole body changed. Vince thought it was pretty silly; he himself was rather lanky. But Summer thought it was great. I had arranged with the school that I could take the missed tests in the clinic. It worked surprisingly well. A teacher supervised me and corrected my test afterwards. I only got A's and B's.
Sean
After four weeks, I just had to know how he was doing. I decided to go to the clinic and wait for Mr. Yadis for a one-on-one conversation. It worked surprisingly well. He didn't seem surprised to see me.
“I was wondering when you would show up.”
“I just want to know how he is doing.”
“What do you think? He's miserable. You broke his heart. I know guys like you. It never ends well. You're so full of self-loathing and you're so intent on pleasing everyone at the expense of those who love you. The old song. Please stay away from him. He's just getting back on his feet. Please just stay away, okay?”
I thought I saw something in his eyes. He turned to leave.
“Mr. Yadis... Vincent, please, wait. His mother, has she visited him yet?”
“No, nobody's shown up yet. Just Summer and me. Please go now.”
There was something strange about it.
“Vince? You like him, don't you?”
“Of course...
“No, I mean, you like him the way I like him.”
“Bullshit. I love David, now go. Leave me alone.”
“Take care of him, okay? Take care.”
I was sure I was right. And for some reason, the thought reassured me.
I spent the evenings with Emily, and my parents had even invited her to dinner. Klaus and Carol were there too, my mother wanted to break the ice at the meeting. Of course, it had the opposite effect. During the day, I worked as the son of the boss again. Time passed, but not a day went by when I didn't think about how it could have gone better for Jordan, what I should have done differently. I was the bad guy in this story and there was nothing I could do about it.
Jordan
At the beginning of May, I received a call from the hospital where David was. He had come down with pneumonia. It didn't look good. Vince went to say goodbye. He didn't come back overnight. David died in the morning. Everything happened very quickly. Vince came back late that evening. I was already in bed. He didn't turn on the light but just crawled under my blanket. He cried half the night, then slept for a few hours and then cried some more. He couldn't be consoled. In the morning, the nurse came in and gave him pills. Half an hour later, he was finally able to stop crying. We stayed in bed until noon. Then came the meal. Of course, he didn't want any. He took a shower. That evening, he was given pills again, this time to help him sleep. I went back to my therapies the next day. Vince slept a lot. David's funeral was on the fourth day. Vince and I went, accompanied by a nurse. A lot of people came. I briefly met David's and Vince's families. Everything was very tasteful. We didn't stay long at the subsequent funeral service. It soon became too much for Vince. There were photos of David everywhere and someone was constantly expressing their condolences. Back at the clinic, we played cards and talked about the weather and other trivial things.
May passed without anyone other than Summer visiting me. I studied for the last exam in biology and the final exams, and for the first time, Vince managed not to cry himself to sleep. Meanwhile, I was allowed to leave the house with a fellow patient or relative. So I was able to take the last biology exam at school again, I just took Vince with me, I spent every free minute with him anyway. It was strange to be back. Not even three months had passed, but it felt like years. I ran into so many people. Hannah, Alex, Susi. I was no longer the same on the outside as I was on the inside. I already thought I wouldn't make it. I just wanted to leave again.
“Once you're in the exam room, you no longer notice the others. And afterwards, we can just go to the nearest exit and be gone.”
“Thanks, Vince, I couldn't do this without you.”
I walked as close to him as possible. I would have liked to hide behind him. He attracted attention. In the clinic, I had never noticed how he looked. He looked like an artist, but I couldn't say exactly why. It wasn't just his slightly eccentric clothing, it was his whole appearance. Of course, there was also whispering about me. I'm sure there were many rumors about where I had been. We couldn't have been more conspicuous. Unconsciously, I walked closer to Vince. Our hands touched by accident. I apologized. Sean would have kept his distance with all the eyes on us.
“You don't have to apologize. I'd like to hold your hand.”
I looked at him in amazement as he reached for my hand. It felt good. I had never done that before, in front of so many people. I felt like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
We ran into Summer.
“Hey, there you are. So, Vince, I'm ditching art and going to be all yours.”
“Skip art? I can't be responsible for that. Maybe I can just sit in on it.”
“Here I write... .”
“Okay, then I wish you good luck. You'll do fine. I've been through the exam with you, I know what I'm talking about.”
“Well, let's see...”
“So I'll be back here in an hour and a half. Don't look so serious, it's just an exam.”
He kissed me on the cheek. In front of my fellow examinees and the teacher. I thought he was great and couldn't stop smiling.
The exam went quite well. After I had gone over everything again, the time was already up and I handed it in. I went outside, where a crowd had formed. Next to me, someone stood on tiptoe to see what was going on.
“The art teacher, Mr. Owens, he seems to be discussing something with someone... I don't know the guy.”
The crowd dispersed and I saw Vince. I might have known. He and Mr. Owens shook hands in conciliation.
“That, dear students, was a prime example of a fruitful conflict.”
Summer spotted me.
“Jordan, you missed the best art class ever! You should have seen Vince! Owens gave us a dry lecture on expressionism and came to talk about the bridge and at some point he couldn't find his slides, but still wanted to show us this one picture. Vince got up and sketched it on the board with chalk. It took him less than five minutes and after that the two had different opinions about the attribution to Munch, I learned so much!”
Vince came over.
“Jordan, how was your exam?”
“Definitely not nearly as exciting as this.”
Mr. Owens came too.
“Mr. Bonanno, thank you for bringing this young man with you. He was a great addition, I've heard a lot about him. He's going to make big waves with his work.”
I just looked at Vince, stunned.
“You're the next Picasso and I had no idea about it. You could have at least warned me.”
“I just wanted you to fall in love with me, not with my reputation.”
I was stunned by this directness for a moment, but I knew that's exactly what had happened.
“You've succeeded. But all this doesn't hurt either.”
“Wait, did you just say that you've fallen in love with me?”
“Yes, that's what I said.”
He didn't hesitate for a second but just kissed me. When I opened my eyes again, I only saw his face. I didn't care about all the others. This was what I always wanted. Someone who isn't ashamed, someone who doesn't think about it first.
Fifteen minutes later, we were necking on the bus.
“Wait a minute, Jordan. Where does this bus go?”
“Well, back to the clinic.”
“But you wanted to go to your mom and Sean.”
“I don't think I want that now.”
“Jordan, I appreciate it, but you should do that. You and Sean are meant for each other.”
“How can you say something like that right now?”
“I'm not saying I like it, but that's the way it is. I've been with you the last few months and I've seen how much you've suffered. You have to find out if you still have a chance. Otherwise you'll wonder forever.”
I knew he was right. We changed and soon we were standing in front of Klaus' house.
“Not bad. Really not bad. Now ring the bell.”
“I should have called first....
“It's too late now, we're already at the door. Come on!”
Soon after I pressed the bell, we heard footsteps. Klaus opened the door.
“Hello. I know I should have called....
“Yes, you should have. Your mom's not here.”
“And Laura?”
She was clearly crying, so he couldn't very well lie.
“Jordan, it's best if you just go,”
“But I'm getting better. If I get discharged in a month or so, where am I supposed to go?”
“You'll get the money you're owed, of course. I can't offer you anything more.”
“Can you at least call Sean for me? I don't want to have to ring the bell over there.”
“I don't think that's a good idea.”
“Have you spoken to him?”
“I really don't want to get involved.”
“I'll definitely talk to Sean. If necessary, I'll just have to ring the bell. So please call him. We'll wait here.”
He nodded and closed the door. He came back shortly afterwards.
“He's coming. I don't think he wants to sort this out out there. So come in.”
Mum was sitting in the kitchen.
“Jordan, I just can't.”
“I know. It's all right.”
She went upstairs. Laura was lying on the sofa. I asked Klaus if I could take her up. He nodded, but stood next to me as if to make sure he could catch her in an emergency, so I put her down again straight away. One of those awkward silent moments began until the doorbell finally rang. Klaus opened it. It was Sean. He had changed. His hair was darker and his clothes looked more grown-up.
“You can go up to your room.”
I glanced at Vince, who indicated that he was fine.
My room was unchanged. Sean sat down on the desk chair, I sat on the bed. I didn't really know how to start the conversation. I felt very clearly that it wasn't my Sean sitting there anymore, and that made me very sad.
Sean
He looked so different, in just under three months that I hadn't seen him, he had changed so much. And the closeness we used to have was just gone. Two strangers were sitting opposite each other. I almost started to cry. I said something.
“You look different.”
“Yes, you too.”
“I just felt it was time for a change.”
“Yeah, I know that feeling. And the sport is good for me...
“That's good.”
Jordan was very direct:
“Look, I don't want to beat around the bush. I know I've made a lot of mistakes and I now also know that the drugs were only part of the problem. I'm also taking medication and I'm really feeling better. That's why I'm here. A lot of time has passed. I need to know if we still have a chance.”
He seemed very self-confident, but I had the feeling that he wasn't really interested in a chance, but in closure.
“Jordan, I know what I promised you. I promised you that I would always be there for you, and I haven't been in the last two months, and I'm sorry about that. I want to be there for you. But I can't be with you. It's just not possible. For so many reasons.”
He didn't seem surprised. He reacted very calmly, not as impulsively as I was used to.
“Yes, and I know them all. I understand.”
“But I will tell you one thing. I'm not good for you. I can't help it, I can't be open with you and that will always hurt you. And that's what caused the whole thing in the first place. I can't make you happy, I can't give you what you need. I have to make this decision for the good of both of us. I'm sorry.”
I sat down next to him and kept talking, telling him the truth.
“Please understand. I have to move on, even if it breaks my heart. I love you way too much to continue being with you because I know it would destroy you.”
“So that's it? It's over?”
“I still want to be there for you...”
“You're with her now, aren't you?”
“Yes. I'm sorry.”
“Don't be. I just want you to be happy. But under these circumstances, I don't want us to have contact. For now. Right now, I have to look out for myself. And I couldn't keep picturing the two of you. I'm leaving now. Maybe our paths will cross again someday. I hope so. But right now, I want you all to myself.”
I understood him, but I didn't want to lose him. I wanted to beg him to take me back, but my head told me that it wouldn't be right. He got up and went downstairs without looking back. I lay down on the bed and cried into the pillow, which smelled so much like him. All this time, I had fooled myself into thinking that it was my decision and that I could have him back any time I really wanted him. It was only now that I had lost that possibility that I realized that I had lost him for good. I knew that he was the one for me and that I would never be able to love anyone as much again. But we couldn't be together. I just couldn't believe it.
Jordan
My eyes were dry, I was surprisingly composed when I left the room. I went downstairs to Klaus and Vince. He just looked at me once and apparently knew what was going on. He reacted perfectly, got up, said goodbye and walked with me to the door. We walked to the bus stop without talking. It was only then that I reached for his hand.
“It's over. I don't want to look back anymore. I just want to hold your hand from now on and see what the future brings. Is that okay with you?”
“That's more than okay.”
Sean
After a while, Carol came to me in her son's room. She motherly stroked my back. She had been crying too, I could see that. She gave me tissues and took me in her arms.
“I'm sorry, Sean. I should have known it would end like this. I shouldn't have let you get so attached to him. I knew he'd revert to his old self sooner or later.”
“But it wasn't his fault. I was just a coward.”
“No, believe me, to be with someone like Jordan, who gives so little to being accepted and who just always follows his feelings, whether they tell him to stand by his friend or to take a knife and cut his hand...”
She broke off and started sobbing again.
I talked a lot about it with Emily. She liked to listen to me and apparently didn't feel threatened by it. It seemed clear to her that I would never get back together with Jordan. In my head, however, I imagined how he would change over time and that eventually, when I was on my own and no longer dependent on my parents, we would meet again by chance. This idea gave me the hope I needed to just keep going. I worked, I met Emily and I prepared for the chemistry final exam in July to improve my A-minus. And also because I hoped to see Jordan there.
Jordan
It wasn't easy in the clinic; we had far too little privacy, but we made no secret of the fact that we were now together, even though our therapists advised us against it. But of course all physical advances were very limited. I tried to distract myself with studying and sports; Vince gave a painting class for patients.
Then in July came the final exams. Four of them, spread over two weeks. Vince came with me again. The first two went without incident. The third was chemistry. Vince and I were standing in a quiet corner waiting for the room to be unlocked. Vince just told me that he would go to Owens again afterwards and tell the dear students something about the art of the Stone Age people. I looked over his shoulder and there was Sean. I reflexively let go of Vince's hand.
“What's he doing here?”
“Why did you let go of my hand?”
“It's Sean!”
“And?”
“I'm sorry, he doesn't know about us yet.”
“Do you want to go over and tell him?”
“What? No! Of course not!”
“Then take my hand, it's the easiest way to let him know.”
“You're right. I'm sorry. It's not that I wanted to hide it from him...”
“Jordan, I understand that. I didn't take it that way either. Do you want to talk to him or something?”
“No, maybe after the exam, but not now.”
Soon the teacher arrived, I got another lucky kiss and went in as one of the last.
During the exam, I was lucky enough to suppress the fact that Sean was in the room.
Sean
The chemistry final exam and of course he was there. I saw him standing in an alcove. With Vince. They held hands and whispered to each other. I was totally shocked. I really hadn't expected that. I quickly looked in a different direction. Around me, people were talking quietly about them.
After the exam, I walked out next to Jordan. Of course it was weird. But I had to say something.
“I thought I should at least say hello. So: Hello.”
“Hey, I didn't know you were taking the exam.”
He was so calm and collected.
“I had a chance to improve my grade, that's why.”
“Yeah, that's just like you. Anyone else would be happy to have it behind them.”
He seemed totally... healthy. Happy and confident, at peace with everything. He also seemed comfortable talking to me. It had been a month since we had last seen each other.
“Yes, I know. Anyway, ... I'm going to the cafeteria in a minute to meet the gang. Are you coming?”
“Oh, I don't know ... I'd like to meet everyone again, but Vince is picking me up ... .”
Yes, I had already noticed THAT too.
“Oh, well, think about it. By the way, I saw before, you two ... .”
“Yes, the two of us. It was quite a surprise. But I feel really good about it.”
Yes, I could see that. I was jealous.
“I'm really glad. And what about that older friend he had?”
“You didn't hear about that? He died. Three months ago.”
“What?! Why?”
“AIDS. They knew for quite a while. Vince was pretty devastated.”
I realized I was getting scared for Jordan.
“Is he sick too?”
“No. Don't look so worried, I'll take care of myself.”
I had never seen him so sure of himself. I knew he would take care of himself.
Vince arrived with a bunch of students. He kissed Jordan just like that, as if it were the most normal thing in the world, and that made it the most normal thing in the world. The two of them talked briefly about what they were going to do next and Vince and his entourage left. Jordan smiled as he watched him go. On the one hand, that made me happy, but on the other hand, it also made me sad. I had the feeling that we were moving further and further apart.
Jordan
Vince was surrounded by a dozen students. He approached me as a matter of course and kissed me on the cheek.
“Hello Sean. So how were your exams?”
“I think they went quite well.”
“Yeah, me too. So, what do all these people mean?”
“May I introduce you? This is the schoolyard beautification committee. I was asked to beautify a piece of the wall. I think it would take an hour or two. Do you fancy it?”
“I'd meet some old friends first and then come along.”
“Perfect, so where to?”
He was pushed through the crowd towards the schoolyard.
“That Vince. Amazing. I think he's exactly what you need. Really, I'm glad to see you smiling again.”
We went to the cafeteria, where the others were already. A guy from the swim team was sitting next to Hannah with his arm around her. Tanja also had a new boyfriend, whom I recognized. Susi and Alex were there and the other girls too. I didn't say much, but the others talked a lot. Susi put her foot in it at some point and asked about Emily. Apparently they knew each other well by now. Everyone looked at me rather concerned, but I waved it off.
“It's all right, it's okay. I just...”
As if on cue, Vince entered the cafeteria. He had paint splattered all over his clothes, in his hair, on his face...
“That's Yadis! What's he doing here?”
The others looked at Tanja in amazement.
“Who is that?”
“Man, he's always in the culture section of the newspaper. He looks even better in person. For example, he did the mermaid painting in the shopping center.”
The others knew that too.
“And what is he doing here?”
Alex said, slightly annoyed by so much enthusiasm among the women:
“You can see that! He's buying a drink.
Susi, of course, knew more:
“Then he's probably the painter who's painting the wall with the schoolyard beautification work group.”
Tanja was beside herself.
“Really? I have to see that. Wait, is he coming over here?”
Sean grinned.
“Yes, I think he's coming here. Ladies, you're going to be very disappointed.”
I rolled my eyes.
“I was just about to tell you. It's okay if you talk about Emily in front of me, I'm with someone new now too.”
Vince was already standing behind me.
“I came just at the right time. Hello everyone. Vince Yadis.”
Most of them managed a hello.
“Well, I'd better get back to work.”
“Wait, you have blue paint on your eye, I'll get it off.”
I stood up and carefully wiped away the blob.
“With all that paint on you, I wonder if any of it even landed on the wall. Do you mind if I watch you?”
“On the contrary, the more audience, the better I paint.”
Tanja jumped up immediately and Sean joined in too.
Vince had already painted many contours in different colors and the students from the workshop were painting. About eight meters of wall were primed in white. You could see many plants with a wide variety of leaves, flowers and insects. But it wasn't a random mess, I thought everything was somehow in harmony.
Sean was also impressed.
“And you drew all that in half an hour?”
“Oh, just the outlines. It's a matter of practice.”
Tanja was still staring at the picture.
“I hope I'll be as good as that someday...”
“You paint? Well then, get to the brush. Here. I think there should be another tree with a strong brown trunk here at the edge.”
“To get depth, right?”
“Exactly. So, get started!”
“But what if I do something wrong?”
“In art, there is no right and no wrong. Just paint. What about you two? Don't you want to make yourselves useful?”
I didn't need to be asked twice and started coloring in leaves. Sean hesitated, as always. Vince looked at him questioningly.
“I'm not good at creative things...”
“That's because you think too much. You ruin things by thinking about them. What are you afraid of, anyway? What do you think will happen if you make a mistake?”
Vince was talking very loudly, Sean was already starting to feel embarrassed, I could see that.
“I don't know...”
“Do you think the world will end if you paint a sheet purple?”
“No...”
“Do you think the world will end if you kiss a man in public?”
Sean looked around. Most of them had stopped painting and were listening.
“Actually, yes...
“Let's see.”
He held Sean's face and pressed a kiss on his lips. He stayed like that for a few seconds. Then he let him go and looked around in all directions.
“You see? Everything is still there. The world has not ended. Now grab a paintbrush.”
Sean obeyed and, pale as he was, set to work. The others grinned briefly, but there was no other reaction.
Sean
I made my escape and looked inquiringly at the faces of the bystanders. I really couldn't believe that no one reacted. I stubbornly colored in some pages and thought about what it would be like to kiss Jordan in public, in front of a lot of people. I would probably never know, even if I wanted to.
Jordan
Vince came to me.
“Everything okay?”
“Yes, I should have done that already.”
“Maybe. You probably weren't in the right position. But you are in the right position to kiss me whenever and wherever you want.”
“I know. And the same goes for you. I'm tired of hiding and sneaking around.”
“Good.”
After an hour and a half, the painting was actually finished. And it was good. You could see that different people had worked on it, but just like the motif itself, the different styles were in harmony with each other. When I told Vince, he just said I had understood the principle.
My last exam also went quite well. Now I had to wait two weeks for the results. There was talk in the clinic that I might be discharged. The medication was down-dosed and I felt good. I knew that the doctors were also talking to Vince about his discharge. One Monday morning, my therapy plan arrived, but Vince did not get one.
“Jordan, we should talk.”
“Uh oh.”
“I'll be discharged soon. And I still have a lot of things to take care of. David's parents have cleared out my apartment for me. I'm going to look at a few new places today.”
“Oh, okay. It was clear that this day would come. And you don't want to stay in the old apartment?”
“No, I'm not looking for a long-term apartment either. I actually want to go to L.A. as soon as possible.”
“Yes, I know that...
“I want you to come with me.”
“Really? How do you imagine that?” ”I have no money, I have nothing.”
“Money is not a problem. My paintings are now selling well. And of course I also inherited the money from David. And you have nothing keeping you here, do you?”
“No, I want to go to L.A. as soon as I graduate.”
“And that's soon. So you're coming with me?”
“Absolutely.”
So Vince moved into a small apartment near the clinic on a temporary basis. There he lived almost entirely out of a suitcase, because he had radically cleared out his things and packed the rest in boxes.
I was discharged on the day of the graduation ceremony. That morning, Vince and I went to Klaus and Mum's and got my things. I finally had my guitar back with me and the punching bag, which had only served as a coat rack for years, would finally be used again. Mom asked what I was planning to do now.
“We're moving to L.A., the stuff is already packed. I'll start by looking for a band and going to college in the fall.”
They both assured me that they would contribute to my college fees. I said goodbye to Laura and left. It was strange. Everything I had feared had come true. I had ended up back in the psychiatric ward, had lost Sean and disappointed my mom. And yet I felt strangely liberated, almost happy.
Sean
Over the next few weeks, I dreamt of Jordan every night, but I didn't tell Emily. I couldn't wait for the days until the graduation ceremony, because I would definitely see him again. But then what? Vince would definitely be there too. I still had the whole summer ahead of me, after all, we were neighbors. I wanted him back, but I didn't want to ruin things with Vince. Especially not as long as I wasn't sure that I was really ready to be open with him. And I was anything but sure. And then there was Emily. I really liked her, maybe even loved her, but not as much as I loved Jordan. I decided to wait for the prom and find out when Jordan would be released.
Jordan
So the afternoon came and I held my not-so-bad report card in my hands. Mom and Klaus were there. Dad had sent congratulations. The prom took place that evening. The whole gang shared a large round table. All of them were in pairs. Emily was there too, but I didn't mind. Sean laughed with her and danced and was carefree, so I was happy. Nostalgia was in the air, as it should be at a prom. Everyone was sharing stories about their school days. The pain of parting was spreading. The music was getting more and more schmaltzy. Of course I had to dance, no matter how reluctant I was, but Vince threatened to ask Mrs. Mando, our quirky math teacher, instead. In between, everyone gathered at the table again to catch their breath from dancing and drink fruit punch. This punch tasted like the one at Sean's party back then. I also realized how I was hanging on to those old times in my thoughts. Sean seemed to feel the same way, because he often sought my gaze. Everyone was talking about their plans for the summer and where they would study. Someone asked me about my plans. It was the right moment.
“We're moving to L.A. I want to make music there and go to college in the fall.”
“Cool. When are you leaving?”
“Our things are already packed. We're leaving tomorrow.”
I looked at Sean. He was upset that I wouldn't be there anymore, I could see that.
“So you're not going to move in with your mom and Klaus?”
“No, it's better this way. We're leaving first thing in the morning.”
Sean
I picked Emily up at home before the ball. I had been in a nostalgic mood all day, and in the car I talked about all the highs and lows the gang had experienced together. An era was coming to an end. We would have scattered to the four winds by the fall. Jordan and Vince arrived shortly after us. Emily was nervously shifting around on her chair, so I dragged her onto the dance floor. The others followed. To my amazement, Jordan and Vince followed as well. Actually, it shouldn't have surprised me anymore. I watched them over Emily's shoulder and imagined what it would be like to be in Vince's place. People didn't even pay attention to them. Later, we were sitting at the table again and after we had talked about the past for what felt like an eternity, someone asked about our future plans. When Jordan suddenly said that he would be going to L.A. with Vince the very next day, I felt like I had been kicked in the chest. I had thought I would have him with me for the summer; I had assumed that I would have the opportunity to prove myself to him. Instead, he would just disappear from my life like that. I had to do something. Dutifully, I danced with Emily. Of course, she noticed how much this had affected me. I couldn't stop staring at Jordan, as he moved slowly to the music, his arms around Vince. I couldn't just let him go like that. I had to... well, what exactly? I had to tell him how I felt, that I still love him and that I don't want it to be over between us.
Jordan
It was almost twelve. The evening wouldn't last much longer. Vince dragged me back onto the dance floor. Sean, who was dancing with Emily, kept looking for my gaze. During a quiet number, he broke away from Emily and moved in my direction. Vince noticed too.
“I'll wait at the entrance. Say goodbye to him properly.”
He kissed me on the cheek and disappeared. To my surprise, Sean put his arms where Vince's had been and we danced.
“So I guess this is goodbye. I thought you were going to live next to me for the summer. I'm not ready for this.”
“You're coming to L.A. in the fall, too.”
“It won't be the same. The city is so big. We'll lose sight of each other.”
“I don't know what to say to you. It's possible, even likely. We should say goodbye. Whether we see each other in L.A. or not, it'll be different. ... But we had an interesting time, didn't we?”
“You could say that. I'm sorry....
“Don't be. You did everything you could. It just wasn't the right time.”
“Someday, Jordan, someday I might have the guts to be with you.”
“Maybe, but I can't wait for that.”
“I know. But please always remember what you mean to me. I'll never love anyone the way I love you, I know that.”
“Sean, I know. I know that. It just wasn't enough. It's not anyone's fault.”
“I know you're in good hands with Vince. He's great and I admire him. He's so intrepid. I wish I could have been so intrepid for you.”
“It's okay...”
“No, it's not okay. I'm not letting you go without doing this...”
He pulled me close and kissed me. Right on the dance floor, in front of his classmates and teachers. And it wasn't a quick, furtive kiss, but one that could be seen and was seen. I opened my eyes again and backed away a bit. He looked at me sadly.
“Jordan, I don't want it to be over.”
“I'm leaving now. I hope we see each other again. Take care.”
I left him alone on the dance floor and went to the exit, where Vince was waiting. He took my hand and together we went out. What an iconic moment.