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He stared at the flashing sign of the pub for a long time, although it was now raining heavily. He didn't care. The night had begun the way his day had ended: crappy. He wondered if there was such a thing as fate, because if there was, it was playing a nasty game with him. His father had always told him that anyone who wanted to achieve something could do it if they worked hard enough.
Today had exposed that as a lie. And on top of that, everything he had built up had been destroyed.
“Your impulsiveness will stand in your way all your life!” his wife had shouted after him when he had left the house to stagger aimlessly through the night, with no idea where his feet were taking him. He had walked through neighborhoods of his city that he would have avoided even during the day, but today he didn't care. And at some point he had looked up and seen the neon sign with the flashing “OPEN”. And while the bright glow burned into his retina, the past day passed before his mind's eye once again.
Daniel Zeus had been particularly excited that morning. Today, his hard work over the past few years was to pay off. He had always been an exemplary employee at his bank and today the vacant position of head of the customer service department was to be filled. In his opinion, it was a necessary step, as he had been named as one of the friendliest and therefore most popular consultants in many customer surveys.
“Well, sweetheart, are you excited?” Becki asked, leaning over and kissing him tenderly on the cheek. He was so happy to have a woman like Becki by his side, who loved him devotedly, to whom he could tell everything and whom he could trust unconditionally. He had been with Becki since graduating from high school, and their relationship was as close as ever.
“Yes,” he replied, only because he hugged her tightly and kissed her instead.
“You'll do it,” she said, looking him firmly in the eye. ‘There is no one who deserves it more than you.’
He kissed her gratefully. Becki was the best thing that had happened to him in his life. Daniel had never regretted marrying this woman and starting a family with her, and he hoped that they would remain so happy for a long time to come – but he didn't have the slightest doubt about it. Many had warned him against committing to just one woman so early on, but he had ignored that because he sensed that there would be no one else for him. And his two children, Jacob and Lisa, were the best proof that he had done everything right so far.
He smiled as he went into the bathroom and got ready. He had always placed a lot of value on his appearance because he was of the opinion that a well-groomed appearance could open many doors for him. With his toothbrush in his mouth, he examined his face for spots, but he was in luck: his skin was purer than it had been in a long time. That had to be a good sign, he decided, and slipped into his suit, which, like every day, he had carefully laid out the night before. There was nothing like an orderly life.
Daniel smiled to himself. Yes, he was a square, but it didn't bother him. What good was individuality if it didn't help you achieve anything other than a chaotic life? He preferred to be a person who valued order and lived by fixed rules. He also did it to be a good role model for his children, because he felt that young people were becoming more and more brutalized, and he wanted to prevent that, at least for his own children. Or at least try.
The only thing that occasionally upset his order was his impulsive behavior when he was upset. Then he made irrational decisions, which he usually regretted afterwards, especially because Becki kept badgering him. In that respect, she was something of a watchdog, watching over him to make sure he didn't do too much stupid.
He ran his hand through his hair again, checked the fit of his tie and then he left the bathroom and shortly after the house, since he generally didn't eat breakfast, but today he wouldn't have been able to get a bite down anyway, he was so excited. He got into his car and drove off. His route took him along the same blocks every day, with the same people coming out of their houses every day. Daniel knew almost all of them by now:
There was the elderly lady from Herrmann Street, who took her mop out onto the small square of grass in front of the gray high-rise every morning at the same time.
Or the hundred-kilogram man from Lobster Lane, who tried to squeeze into a Smart car and waved at the transsexual who came out of the semi-detached house next to him, got on a pink Vespa scooter and sped off along the cycle path.
Then there was the hobby Turk, who did his morning exercises in front of the glass conservatory of his house on Färbergasse in his tracksuit and fine-ribbed undershirt at the same time every day, as well as the granny and grandpa who stood with their little trolleys in front of said conservatory, shook their heads mockingly and then continued walking hand in hand.
“I want to end up like Becki one day,” thought Daniel, meaning, of course, that he wanted to be happy with his wife even at such an advanced age. That's why he loved the order in his life, because it showed him every day that he wasn't the only one with fixed rituals. Besides, he had really grown fond of his people, as he called them.
His morning commute included a brief stop at Starbucks, where he bought a Frappuccino to go and then drank it slowly during the rest of his journey to work. Since there were few parking spaces at his bank, he had made it a habit to walk the last stretch between Starbucks and the bank. This way, he always got a little fresh air and exercise, which he sometimes lacked at work. Daniel was a sportsman. He played squash, tennis and badminton, jogged every free minute and tried to go to the gym at least once a week.
He emptied his coffee cup with a last gulp and threw it into the trash can on the lamppost next to the bank's main entrance. Most of the time he hit the can, and he always took that as a good omen. Today was no exception: the mug hit the edge of the bin, but then finally tipped in and not out. Daniel took a deep breath, straightened his shoulders and went through the revolving door into the lobby.
He should have used the employee entrance, but he liked to be in contact with customers as soon as he entered the bank. Most of the people who were in the bank when he arrived didn't even notice, but he had also received a friendly glance or two because of it. The customers liked the fact that he didn't act like someone who had to separate himself from them at all costs. After all, you don't want advice from someone like that. They preferred someone who strolled comfortably through the streets with a Starbucks cup and entered the bank through the normal entrance, rather than someone who drove into the bank's parking garage in a big car and then entered the building through a private entrance so as not to have to come into contact with customers too early.
So it was no wonder that Daniel was popular with all his customers and that his colleagues were nothing but friendly towards him – with one exception: there was another customer advisor with whom he just couldn't get along. Andreas Abelt was pretty much the biggest character pig there was. Unfortunately, he was also the son of the bank branch manager and therefore something of an untouchable. Andreas had started at the bank three years ago after failing his A-levels, obviously only because his father had wanted it that way. He didn't enjoy his work in the slightest; most of the time he could only be seen stomping through the bank with a grumpy expression on his face, and many customers grumbled about him behind closed doors. Yes, you also noticed things like that in a bank. Just the other day, an older lady had approached Daniel.
“Well, this young Mr. Abelt,” she had said. ‘I wouldn't trust him with my money. He looks like he's a criminal.’ He had only smiled politely and said that it was not for him to gossip about a colleague behind his back. The lady had only smiled knowingly at him and nodded. She knew that Andreas was not particularly popular with his colleagues either.
Daniel was all the more surprised to see Andreas surrounded by other consultants in the HR department, all of whom shook his hand in a friendly manner.
“Hey, Andreas!” he called. “Is it your birthday today or did you close a good deal, or why are you being given such a warm welcome?”
“Oh, Daniel, I'm so glad you're here.” Suddenly, it had become quiet. Only now did Daniel notice the strange expressions on his colleagues' faces. They seemed somehow unhappy. Daniel looked around and only found the person he was looking for in the back row. Anette, his best friend here at work, was standing there with her head bowed, avoiding looking at him at all costs. What was going on here?
“So, what are you celebrating?“
”I've been promoted to head of department,” Andreas said, grinning from ear to ear – and Daniel was sure that it was clearly malicious. But instead of saying anything, he just reached behind him until he found the back of a chair, pulled it up, and dropped onto it. His legs would have given way under him otherwise and the last thing he wanted was to show weakness in front of this braggart.
“Congratulations,” he managed to squeeze out, although it cost him an awful lot of self-control.
"Thank you. If you feel like it, I'm throwing a little party at La Oste tonight, you're welcome to come. Well, I'll go and move into my office. See you later.“ With that, Andreas disappeared from the staff room with a spring in his step, and one by one the others followed him, but they all cast a pitying glance at Daniel, who had meanwhile slumped down on the chair like a heap of misery. The last one to leave was Anette, who bent down to him and put her hand on his shoulder.
”Are you okay?”
“Yes,“ he said, but of course they both knew that wasn't true.
”That's an outrage,“ Anette then began to get worked up. ‘How can the boss promote such an idiot? Nobody likes him and he can't do anything!’
”He's his son.”
“So what? He's an absolute disaster, both as a person and at work. We should tell the boss what we think!“
”No.“
”But...“
”I should do it.” Daniel jumped up. The shock at Andreas's promotion had dampened his disappointment, but now it turned to anger. He should have been promoted. He had been working at the bank for almost eight years and deserved it.
“Maybe you should collect yourself first and...”
“No, Anette.” Daniel stormed to the door. “I'm going to give that Abelt a piece of my mind.”
"Don't be abusive, do you hear me?”
But Daniel didn't hear it anymore. Angry, almost frenzied with rage, he stormed to the elevator, because the stairwell was closed at the moment. Otherwise, the movement might have brought him back to his senses, but as it was, he was getting more and more worked up. When he arrived on the third floor, he stormed to the director's office. His secretary was not yet present; Daniel knew this because she always came to the bank an hour after he did and also through the reception hall. So he was able to open the office door without restraint and yell at his boss, who was making a phone call with his back to him.
"What the fuck?”
The bank manager turned around to him in astonishment and disapproval, spoke a hasty “I'll call you back” into the phone and then said in a calm voice to Daniel, as if he had not heard his rude manner of speaking: “Mr. Zeus, what can I do for you?”
“Are you still asking? Are you trying to make a complete fool out of me?”
"Well, I know...”
“For eight fucking years I've been working in this fucking bank, I'm on time every day, I'm hardly ever sick, and I do a damn good job. And then there's shit like this!“
”Mr. Zeus, please watch your language!” the boss reprimanded him. A deep frown had already formed on his forehead.
“No, I won't! I always thought you were competent and loyal, but I see that you are just as spineless as your good-for-nothing son.“
”Give me a break, man!” Abelt now shouted. ”I can understand that you may not like my decision, but it's for the good of the bank.”
“Are you out of your mind? Your son is a disaster for this bank. He always thinks he's better than everyone else, treats us all like dirt, and sells customers blocks of shares in companies that have paid him money for them.“
”Don't make such unfounded accusations!”
“I will refrain from keeping quiet about it any longer. This nepotism makes me sick. Your son is almost entirely responsible for the fact that our bank's customer satisfaction has been getting lower and lower for three years because you keep assigning him new tasks. Stop these experiments.“
”Zeus, say one more word and you can pack your things.”
“All right. I can't work in an environment like this anymore anyway. But don't believe me when I say that you've got off that lightly. I'll get a lawyer involved.“
”Do whatever you have to. But for now, get out of my office, you lunatic!”
“Nothing I'd like more!“ Angrily, Daniel stormed back to the elevator. When it took a long time to arrive, he pounded the door with his fists until his boss was standing behind him.
”Get a grip on yourself, man! Maybe you should just sleep on your behavior for a night. We'll talk more about it tomorrow.“
”I have nothing more to say to you.”
“If you say so. But if you think of anything, you can always come back. I'd hate to lose you as an employee."
Daniel entered the elevator, which had finally arrived at his floor. ‘You already have.’ As the doors closed, he took a deep breath and pressed the bottom button. Underground parking. He didn't feel like running into any of his colleagues right now, and certainly not Anette. Actually, he didn't know what he wanted at all. As quickly as his anger had come, it had now gone again. It was at times like this that he usually needed Becki by his side to bring him back down to earth. But this time she hadn't been there and slowly Daniel feared that he had made a huge mess of things.
But the thought that this asshole Abelt (Andreas) would be his superior from now on made him feel sick. He hadn't been able to stand this spoilt snob from the beginning and had always wondered why his father forgave him for every mistake. And now he had even been promoted! It was enough to make you despair. Daniel leaned against the elevator wall and took a deep breath. That usually helped him to suppress outbursts of rage, and it was having an effect now, too. He became noticeably calmer. But there was still the nagging feeling that he had probably lost his job, or at least the prospect of getting ahead in the near future.
No boss liked to promote someone who had sworn at him and called his son a complete idiot. Even if it was the truth. But of course Daniel's reaction hadn't been very professional and so he realized that he had probably ruined his own chances. Man, what would Becki say to that? She had believed in him, had trusted him and he had bitterly disappointed her. He didn't even want to imagine the conversation he would have to have with her. Fortunately, she had an appointment with the pediatrician with Lisa and then wanted to drive with her and Jacob to her mother's to visit her at the hospital, where she was recovering from a hip operation.
So Daniel had until the evening to prepare for the conversation and the lecture that awaited him. He slowly trod through the underground parking garage, which led him directly into the middle of the pedestrian zone. He sat down in a café and ordered a coffee. He stared ahead of him for a long time, watching the people walking through the city. He knew his people and liked their quirks, but now that he saw so many other people who resembled them at first glance, or at least the stereotypes they embodied, he wondered if the whole thing hadn't somehow been self-delusion.
All those years, he had shown up at work on time every day, always taking the same route and seeing the same people. It had been part of his orderly life, a life that now threatened to fall apart. If he hadn't paid attention to the people there, he wouldn't have missed them when he stopped driving by every day. But he had made them part of his life and thus, without them knowing it, his friends. Because now that he saw all their images marching through the streets here, he realized how much he would miss them. They weren't just any old people who happened to walk along his way to work, but rather each of them had been a small intermediate goal, something Daniel had looked forward to when he had reached it.
Their lives had been just as structured as his own, at least in the morning, and that was what had connected him to them. And now he might lose all that.
It was already dawning outside (it was the end of October) when the cone of light from the spotlight flooded through the large dining room window. Daniel was sitting in his favorite armchair in front of the TV and only noticed the light out of the corner of his eye. He took a deep breath and tried to relax despite what was about to happen.
“Hello, my darling!” Becki called as soon as she had opened the front door and walked in with the children. ”You're already home. Did you finish work early to celebrate?”
Daniel clenched his fists; he couldn't bear to dash her carefree hopes.
“Why are you sitting here in the dark? Why don't you do that...”
“No, please don't!” He hadn't looked her in the face yet, but he sensed that she suspected something was wrong.
“I'll quickly take the children upstairs, then I'll be there for you.“
Daniel heard her going up the stairs to the upper floor with Jacob and Lisa. He made a decision: he jumped up, grabbed his jacket and was just about to leave when Becki held him back by the arm.
”What's going on?” She looked at him challengingly, but he avoided her gaze.
“I have to go out again.“
”Not until you tell me what's wrong!“
”It's nothing.“
”Daniel, we've known each other long enough for me to know when something's up. So spit it out!”
And then it gushed out of him: the injustice of his boss, the stupid ass of Andreas Abelt, his resignation. Becki just looked at him shaking her head.
"Your impulsiveness will always get in your way, Daniel! Why can't you control yourself for once?!”
“What can I do about the fact that he's such an ass? I just lost my temper.“
”Yes, once again. Damn it, Daniel, we're not in school anymore! You can't afford to do that anymore, you have a family that relies on you!”
“Great, make me feel guilty again. That's a great help!“
”Daniel, you know that I will always be there for you. But you keep getting yourself into new trouble. Tomorrow you go to Abelt and apologize!“
”Like hell I will!“
”If you don't do it, then I will. You can count on that!”
“I've got to get out of here!“ With that, Daniel opened the front door and rushed into the gathering darkness.
”Daniel! DANIEL!” Becki shouted after him, but he didn't listen, instead stomping down the street as fast as he could.
He knew very well that Becki was right. Because she always was. Still, he couldn't stand it at home any longer, with all the blaming. It was enough for him that he blamed himself, that he had given up his job so carelessly. While he wandered aimlessly through the streets, it began to drizzle.
Great, thought Daniel, threw his hood over his head, pressed his arms sideways against his body and tried to walk faster so that he wouldn't get cold. He was more desperate than he had been in a long time. He wanted nothing more than to go back to Becki and make up with her. But his pride was standing in his way. He would throw it away tomorrow morning, if he had to kiss Abelt's ass to get his job back. There was no question that it came to that. Daniel had no doubt that Becki would even separate from him until he had done that; just to bring him to his senses.
It was raining harder now and Daniel was soaked to the bone by now. Maybe he'd be lucky and die of pneumonia, then he wouldn't have to force himself to go crawling to his boss. Daniel smiled laconically. Of course that wouldn't happen; he didn't want it to. His life had been going quite well so far, why should he wish it to be over? Suddenly he looked around in astonishment. With all his thoughts, he hadn't paid attention to where his legs had taken him. But he didn't know this area, nor had he ever intended to get to know it. But since he was freezing miserably by now, he tried to find a pub or something similar.
And there he was. This bar was the best he had found; but he couldn't find anything good about it. He just didn't feel like walking in the rain anymore, because by now it was so late that it had also gotten relatively cold, and Daniel hated being sick more than anything. So he wanted to minimize the risk. And so he entered the bar. And without knowing it, a new life.
2
The interior of the (you couldn't call it anything else) shack surpassed all his fears. At first, he had trouble seeing anything at all because the only small room was completely filled with dense cigarette smoke. There was a bar with only two people sitting on bar stools, and a few empty small bar tables grouped around a pool table that had seen better days. If the alternative hadn't been even worse, Daniel would have turned on his heels and gone back outside.
But he reluctantly made his way to the bar, behind which stood a barmaid who was so voluptuous that the term was a gross understatement. She had laced her body into a tight corset, giving her an extremely plunging neckline, at least half of which Daniel suspected was made up of out-of-place belly fat. He sat down on a stool next to the more pleasant-looking of the two men.
"'Evening, darling. What can I get you?”
Another waitress or, even better, a projector for my home. “A Pilsner.”
“Coming right up, my dear.” She took a beer tulip from the holder behind the bar, wiped it out with a rather unhygienic-looking cloth, and then tapped the beer, which even from a distance looked flat and stale. With a wink, she placed it in front of Daniel and turned to the guest, who was not sitting next to Daniel and who looked as if he was about to topple over from his stool.
"Listen, Ernst. You really should go now.”
“I'll leave when I want to,“ he slurred. Daniel just shook his head and took a sip of his beer. He grimaced in disgust. A slight chuckle sounded next to him.
”Not what you'd call a nice beer, is it?” the man next to him asked. Daniel took proper notice of him for the first time and was amazed.
“And you're not what I'd expect as a typical guest of this -establishment.“
The man next to him laughed dryly. ‘But then, neither are you.’
”I also wonder how I ended up here.”
“Yes, I guess many do. But I prefer the company of these people to those who know me. I always do when I want to be alone. Just like you, I suppose."
He looked at Daniel penetratingly with his dark eyes. Daniel scrutinized the other man: He estimated him to be a little over twenty, but he looked younger and yet more mature at the same time. He had styled his short black hair straight up, he had no beard, except for a dark fuzz under his chin, and his clothes also looked somehow more like those of the upper middle class than of someone who belonged here. Besides, he looked strangely familiar to Daniel.
“If you've finished staring at me, we could have a schnapps together. You seem like someone who could use the company and the alcohol.“
”Aren't you supposed to be alone here?"
The other grinned. ‘If I can help a poor soul in need, I can do without it for once. I'm Jan.’ He held out his hand to Daniel.
“Daniel.“ He grasped his hand. It was a pleasant handshake, which finally convinced him that Jan didn't belong here at all. He turned to the waitress.
”Doris, can we have two shots, please?“
”Sure, darling.”
“So, tell me, why don't you have any idea what you're doing here?“
Daniel was only briefly surprised that Jan had immediately switched to the ‘you’; he found his presence pleasant and didn't want to appear distant through polite phrases.
”I had a lot to think about. And before I knew where I was going, I came here.”
“But the way you look, you're soaked through, so it's probably just luck that you're actually in here and not on your way home again, isn't it?” Jan grinned. Doris brought them both schnapps in dusty glasses. Jan and Daniel quickly downed the clear liquid, then Daniel ordered a second round.
“Yes,“ he replied a little late. ‘It's pretty miserable weather outside.’
”Which brings us back to the subject of why you were out there at all.” Jan smiled at him and, although Daniel had only known this man for less than ten minutes, he told him everything that had happened that day. He was extremely annoyed with his boss and his wayward son, then with himself and his impulsiveness. In between, they drank schnapps again, and with each drink that burned down his throat like fire, Daniel became more talkative. He even told Jan that he occasionally wondered if his premature family planning hadn't perhaps been a bit rushed; he hadn't told anyone that before.
Jan took an incredible interest in all this and never seemed bored for a moment. At some point, however, Daniel realized that he had only spoken about himself so far.
“And why do you want to be alone? Isn't that why you're here?”
Jan laughed. “You have a good memory. Hmm, yes, why am I here? Maybe because I'm alone. My boyfriend left me today.”
Daniel looked at his companion in confusion. He hadn't expected that. Jan didn't look like...
“Surprised?” he asked with a grin.
“You could say that,” Daniel murmured.
“You don't have anything against...” Jan's gaze hardened.
“No, no!” Daniel hastened to say. “It's just that you don't look like that.”
“Why should you look like it? Oh, you're thinking of the clichéd gays with men's handbags, skin-tight jeans and walking in that particular way?“ He stood up and made exactly the movements Daniel would have expected from a homosexual.
”Well, I've just never had much to do with... gays.”
“No problem. I was just afraid for a moment that you might have the same attitude towards it as my father. Since I came out, he doesn't give a shit about me. Since then, he only has a son; my brother. And now Miguel has left me, too. What a bummer.” He downed the sixth schnapps in the meantime. Apparently he was used to being drunk, because he showed no signs of it yet. With Daniel, it was a bit different: his eyes grew heavy every now and then and Jan's words reached his ears as if through cotton wool.
“Were... were you happy?” Daniel asked, wondering why he was asking. What business was it of his?
“Yes, very much so.” Jan's face took on a pained expression. But he quickly regained control of himself. ‘There's a nightclub around here where you can dance the night away. Do you feel like it?’
Actually, Daniel would have preferred to go back to his family, but since he felt unable to find his way home at the moment, he just nodded. But before he could get his wallet out of his back pocket, Jan had already paid and pulled him towards the exit. Daniel had some trouble putting on his jacket, so Jan had to help him. Outside, it had stopped raining and there was a thick haze over the streets. Jan grabbed Daniel's hand and pulled him along.
“But that's not a... you know,“ Daniel asked uncertainly.
Jan started laughing uproariously. ‘A gay club? No. Just a normal disco that normal people go to.’
The way he pronounced ‘normal’ displeased Daniel.
”Hey, I told you I don't have anything against gays!”
“Yeah, right. You just didn't want to be confronted with half-naked guys who only see you as a piece of meat, did you?”
Daniel looked at Jan in shock, which prompted the latter to laugh again. “Oh man, you should see your face. Do you really think it's always like that? Well, okay, maybe it is in some places, but most are just like any other disco.”
Daniel breathed a sigh of relief. This guy was completely getting to him. But given the fact that he had never been to a disco himself and had never had anything to do with gays, a little panic was probably appropriate. After all, he had the cliché of a homo in his head who saw every other man only as a potential victim. And since he didn't know this Jan at all, it was probably better to keep him at a distance as much as possible.
He slowly felt the alcohol's terrible effect on his mind. Daniel was now less tired and listless than euphoric and full of energy. Although he had been on his feet all day, he actually felt like partying some more now; even though there was nothing to celebrate. So he told himself that this was something like the well-deserved promotion party he had actually hoped for. Just as he had basically intended to spend the evening with Becki.
For a moment, he felt a twinge of guilt for just leaving her like that. He would probably have to listen to something when he came home late at night (or early in the morning, he didn't know how long this night would last). But thanks to the high level of alcohol in his blood, this feeling quickly disappeared. This evening should be just for him!
“How much further is it, anyway?“ he grumbled. Jan just grinned at him.
”You really need to let off steam, don't you? Don't you go to clubs often?“
”Nah, I've never been to a club.“
”What?“ Jan stopped and looked at Daniel in disbelief. ‘How old are you?’
”Twenty-six.”
“You're seriously telling me that at the age of TWENTY-SIX you've never been to a disco?“
”Well, yes. Is that so bad?” Daniel felt intimidated and somehow stupid.
“Not bad, but you really have missed something. You should have enjoyed the atmosphere of stuffy air, saturated with sweat and alcohol, and a sense of freedom at least once if you want to claim to have lived. There on the dance floor, you can become someone else, leave your whole self at the entrance and just let yourself go. In there, you are only who you want to be.”
“You make some pretty big promises. I hope you can keep them.“
”Oh yes.” Jan winked at him and pulled him through a steel door into the seemingly abandoned factory building.
From then on, Daniel lost all memory.
A strange droning sound made Daniel open his eyes. It was terribly difficult for him and he soon realized that the droning was merely the sound of his own blood rushing. His tongue felt furry on the roof of his mouth and the taste in his mouth was indescribably disgusting. Now that Daniel was awake, his stomach began to rumble as well and seemed to be trying to do a headstand inside him. So Daniel closed his eyes and tried to calm his body with controlled breathing. He always did that when he felt nauseous or had other digestive problems, and it usually worked.
However, he had done so without the shred of a hangover that he was currently experiencing. Daniel wasn't used to drinking much and therefore had no experience to tell him when would have been a good time to stop the night before. Oh man, he said to himself, Becki must be really pissed off. He turned on his side where she usually slept, but there was no one there. Something didn't feel right here anyway.
Very slowly, centimeter by centimeter, Daniel straightened up, narrowed his eyes and opened them again with difficulty to get a reasonably clear overview of his surroundings. He was lying in a large bed, but not in the double bed he was used to, just in an extra-wide single bed, in which, however, there were two sets of bedding. He had completely rumpled one of them himself, while the other lay untouched next to him. The pillowcases alone told Daniel that he couldn't be at home: the pillows were bright pink, the blankets striped in the colors of the rainbow.
Slowly, everything started to come together in his mind. He had no memory of what had happened after entering the disco, but apparently he had gone home with Jan.
Oh God, it shot through his mind, I'm in a gay bed! This realization alone was enough to temporarily defeat his hangover, to jump out of bed and to collect his clothes, which were scattered all over the floor. Just as he was trying to put on his trousers by hopping from one foot to the other, the bathroom door opened (Daniel recognized it as the bathroom door because Jan came out of it with damp hair and only a towel around his hips). For a moment, Daniel was full of admiration for the well-trained body of his acquaintance, because he wouldn't have thought of Jan that way, but then he found himself back in his role as a perplexed hetero who had woken up in the bed of a gay man with whom he had spent the whole night.
“Oh, you're already awake,“ Jan said smiling. ‘I would have expected you to sleep for another two or three hours. You really knocked back quite a bit yesterday.’
”What? I really don't remember anything.” Daniel collapsed on the bed and buried his face in his hands.
“Don't blame yourself. These things can happen. Alcohol is often the only and best friend in crisis situations.“ He sat down next to Daniel on the bed and put his arm around his shoulder.
”Woah, what's going on here?”, Daniel exclaimed out of a spontaneous, inexplicable impulse and jumped up. Jan took his hands back in shock, but looked at Daniel not very kindly.
“Do you have a problem, man?“ he asked.
”Yes, sorry, but I thought you...“
”You thought I wanted to turn you on? Tell me, do you know where you are?"
Daniel looked at him fearfully and Jan had to laugh. ”Hey, I wouldn't have done anything if you hadn't wanted it. And don't worry: you didn't.” He stood up and opened the second door of the bedroom, which led to a living room, and pointed to the sofa. ‘I slept there. So you don't have to worry about doing anything gay.’ Daniel didn't like the way he pronounced ‘gay.’ There was somehow a hint of contempt in it that he couldn't understand.
“Listen, Jan, I've told you this a few times already: I don't have a problem with gays. I just woke up, couldn't remember anything, and my head was pounding like a jackhammer. And then there was your not-so-subtle bedroom design and then you, like in a bad movie, just coming out of the shower. Sorry that I overreacted a bit.“
”Do you have something against my choice of colors in the bedroom?“ Jan asked with a challenging grin.
”Well, I just wouldn't have expected that. Since you actually make a straight impression.”
“Well, if they can see that in there, I don't have to give them that impression, do I?” He laughed. Somehow Daniel liked this laughter, even if he couldn't say exactly why. It had some kind of light-heartedness and ease about it, which seemed to transfer to Daniel every time he heard it.
“Right. Listen, I think I should be going now. The longer I stay away from home, the bigger the thunderstorm will be that I'll have to listen to from my wife. By the way, I really had fun with you. Maybe we can go out together again sometime. It makes me feel four years younger again.” He laughed now, too, although his hangover was giving him a hell of a headache.
“I'd like that. Hang on, I'll write down my cell phone number and email address.” Jan went to the small desk, which was directly under one of the large windows of the apartment, and rummaged around in one of the lower drawers. When he bent down even further, the towel suddenly came off his hips. But before Daniel could see anything, he had already pulled it back up.
“It's like a bad movie.” Jan laughed and then scribbled on a piece of paper that he had apparently found in the chaos of his desk.
"Jan?”
“Hm,“ he just made because he had the cap of the pen in his mouth, with which he was writing.
”Yesterday I didn't even notice that because it felt good to get everything off my chest, but I didn't even ask you why your friend left you.”
Jan stopped writing abruptly. His head was still bowed over the note, but his hand seemed to have refused to obey.
"Jan? Are you okay?”
“Yes. This is not really a story for a hungover morning.“ Was Daniel imagining things or had Jan just sniffed? He approached him cautiously and actually saw a tear dripping from the tip of Jan's nose onto the sheet of paper on which a number and the beginning of an email address were written.
”That bad?” he asked quietly.
“Worse,” Jan insisted, slumping down on the swivel chair in front of the desk. ‘I'm HIV positive.’
Daniel withdrew his hand that he had just stretched out to put on Jan's shoulder. ‘Oh,’ he just said. A big lump formed in his throat and he felt as if he suddenly had no air to breathe. Although he was aware that it was incredibly shabby of him to leave Jan alone now, he said, “I'd better go.” And without turning around to Jan again, he left the apartment.
Outside, he leaned against the door and took a deep breath. He really hadn't expected that. He had assumed that Jan's friend had broken up with him because of some kind of gay sex stories; after all, Daniel had heard that gays weren't too particular about being faithful. But THAT. No, that didn't fit Jan. He was a nice and responsible young man, so Daniel thought it impossible that he would screw around carelessly and without protection. But there could be no other explanation.
Slowly, he made his way to the elevator, which was ready for him immediately. Inside, he took another deep breath and gently massaged his temples. This was a tough piece that he had to digest first. The next time he saw Jan, then...; he suddenly remembered that he hadn't taken the note with the cell phone number with him.
“Fuck!” he swore loudly to himself. He really could have imagined Jan as a good buddy, because he had transformed the last lousy evening into an unforgettable night for him; although he couldn't remember it anymore. But Daniel took that as a sign that he must have had a lot of fun. But now it would somehow be weird to go back after his insensitive departure.
The elevator doors opened and as Daniel left the building, he realized that he was in one of the most exclusive areas of the city. Apparently Jan belonged to the upper class. Not really a good prerequisite for a friendship with him, he thought. Although it was clear to him that he would not see the nice young man again anyway.
Right around the corner was a bus stop for the line that would have taken Daniel almost to his doorstep, but he decided to get off one stop earlier. He wanted to enjoy the morning air, which had been cleansed by the rain, even though it was already half past twelve. Besides, the movement in the fresh air would certainly do his still aching head good. While he was walking through his neighborhood, he had the first thought that this encounter might have had a deeper meaning. Until now, his life had always followed a set pattern; he had always achieved what he had set out to achieve.
But just on the day when everything he had been working towards for years had burst like a soap bubble, he met this carefree guy who, despite (or perhaps because of) an obviously difficult fate, enjoyed life to the full without constantly planning ahead. Maybe that was what was missing from Daniel's life so far. Allowing a little more of his impulsiveness into his everyday life sounded quite good.
But as always, when he had a specific plan in mind, it faded as soon as he set foot over the doorstep. Becki was standing behind it as if she had been waiting there all the time for him to return.
"Where on earth have you been?”
“Gone.“ Daniel was still trying to avoid the inevitable confrontation.
”GONE?! You've got a lot of nerve! I didn't sleep a wink all night out of sheer worry about you. God knows what could have happened to you.“
”Please, Becki, you sound almost like my mother.” The moment he had said it, he knew what a huge mistake he had made.
“I don't believe my ears! You just disappear yesterday, don't show up all night and now you're just giving snotty answers. Are you out of your mind? Would a phone call or at least a text message have been too much to ask, huh? I sit here all night waiting for you to come back, but the fine gentleman doesn't even think about letting me know that he's sleeping somewhere else. By the way, where did you sleep?” She narrowed her eyes and looked at Daniel challengingly. He had long since resigned himself to his fate and knew that a lie wouldn't have stood a chance.
“With someone I met in a bar.“ Wrong answer.
”Was she pretty?“ Becki asked pointedly.
”What? NO. It wasn't a she.”
“You're telling me you met a guy in a bar and decided to become best friends? Hey, I can take the piss out of myself, my friend!“
”And you don't want to believe me. Typical, you only believe what you tell yourself.” Daniel was slowly getting angry too.
“What I talk myself into? You go traipsing around town and through the night with some guy you've never met, if I'm to believe you, and then you spend the night at his place, and you don't even tell me a word.“
”I don't have to account to you!“
”Great, you idiot!”
“Daddy, why does mommy call you an idiot?” came a voice from the stairs. Jakob looked at them both with wide eyes. ”I thought you weren't allowed to say that.”
“You're right, my darling,“ Becki said, and her voice had suddenly calmed down. ‘Go back up to your sister, I'll be right up.’ Her son slowly trudged back upstairs. Becki waited until he was out of earshot, then she turned to Daniel and hissed at him.
”Well, you've done a great job of that again!”
“ME?“ he asked in astonishment. ‘Who's shouting at the top of their voice?’
”But not without reason, my dear! Oh yes, before I forget: your boss called earlier and ordered you to see him.“ She glanced at her watch and added snappishly, ‘In ten minutes.’
”Forget it, I'm not going.”
“Yes, you will! You may have forgotten during your ego trip last night that someone is waiting for you here, but that's the way it is. You are responsible for a family, Daniel. And that's why you're going to have to swallow your pride and go crawling to Abelt. And don't you dare let yourself be carried away into doing some impulsive foolishness again.“
”Then what?” Daniel asked defiantly.
“Then I might just move out and live with the kids.“
She had touched his weak spot. Jacob and Lisa meant everything to him. He nodded contritely.
”Okay, you win.” With that, he stormed out, jumped into his car and drove off angrily.
3
Since time was of the essence, Daniel did without his usual rituals and parked directly in the bank parking garage. He would have liked to walk through the customer hall again, but there was no time for that either, because he was already five minutes over time. So he took the elevator directly from the underground car park to the third floor. As the elevator doors slid open slowly and Daniel stepped out, he felt like a condemned man on his way to his executioner. He shuffled along rather than walked, even though he lost even more time as a result. But somehow he seemed to be moving through a viscous mass that had turned into air and was preventing him from moving faster.
This time, Nina Meyers, the secretary, was sitting behind her desk, eyeing Daniel critically.
“Ah, Mr. Zeus. You're a little late. But don't worry, the boss is still busy anyway. Please take a seat in the meantime.” She pointed to one of the stools next to the boss's door, on which job applicants usually sat before they were allowed to see him. When Daniel thought about the time that had passed since the day he had sat here himself, he felt a little nostalgic. He wondered if you could still understand almost everything through these doors if you just listened carefully. So he slid a little closer to the door and pricked up his ears.
“...fed up with you!” Abelt's voice came through the door. “You're a disgrace to the family.”
Uh-oh, Daniel thought. There was trouble with his son. Somehow that gave him a mischievous pleasure.
“You're not the best father in the world either,” Abelt Junior shot back, even though the voice didn't quite sound like Andreas'. But that was probably due to the damping through the door.
“I did EVERYTHING for you, until you, you, you started this phase.“
”When will you finally realize: This is no PHASE!“
”Come on, boy. Come to your senses. Your poor mother cries herself to sleep every night because of you.“
”She just has to accept it, then we wouldn't have a problem with each other!”
“Accept? You can't accept this abnormal behavior!"
Slowly, Daniel began to wonder what was going on in there. Somehow he had the feeling that Abelt wasn't talking to Andreas, but to someone else.
“...only ever came when you needed money. We were good enough for you for that. But you could have shown more consideration in the way you behaved.“
”Consideration, that means denying myself, according to you. Besides, Miguel has been taking care of me lately."
Miguel. Where had Daniel last heard that name? No matter how hard he tried to remember, he couldn't.
“... Casanova, who only had sex on his mind. Like all of your kind. And now that you don't have him anymore, you're back at my door. Isn't that right: You need money.“
”I was actually hoping that you had changed your mind. But you are and remain the same old stubborn goat!“
”Then what are you still doing here?”
“Yes, I've been asking myself the same question for the last ten minutes. It was a big mistake to come here. I'll never make that mistake again!“
Daniel just managed to slide back a bit before the door was flung open and he saw who had been arguing so fiercely with Abelt.
”Jan?” he asked in amazement. Of course. Miguel, Jan's ex-boyfriend. Why hadn't he thought of that right away?
“Daniel? What are you doing here?“
”Well, I work here. Or I don't. Or I do again. We'll see. You remember me?"
Jan suddenly had to grin. Then he leaned over to Daniel and whispered: ‘Your description of my father and my brother was awesome.’ Then he went towards the elevator.
Daniel waited a little while, then rose and went through the still-open door to his boss, who looked visibly upset. It's now or never, he thought to himself. If Abelt had been so rattled by the conversation as he assumed, then he now had a good chance of getting his job back.
“Zeus, nice that you're here. Please excuse me for making you wait. I hope the dispute with my son wasn't too loud?“ He looked a bit insecure.
”No,” Daniel lied. Just kiss the boss's ass. So much for his resolution to do something impulsive.
“Let's talk about yesterday,“ Abelt ignored that, but you could see that he was still pretty upset. If I butter him up now, Daniel thought to himself, then maybe I'll get off with just a black eye.
”I honestly don't know what came over me, Mr. Abelt. I'm really sorry.”
“Well, Zeus, I was hoping you would say that. Because I understand you. You have been working for me reliably for a very long time, and if I were you, I would certainly have waited for the promotion. I also know about everything you have said against Andreas. Surely you are now wondering why he and not you was promoted?”
Daniel merely nodded, playing coy. Inside, he was seething with anger at this injustice. But he intended to control himself this time.
“It's only a probationary promotion. Zeus, you have to promise me not to tell anyone, because nobody knows about it, not even my son. I promoted him to see if the great responsibility would make him more mature. If customers are still complaining about him in two months, he'll be out on his ear and you'll get the job. What do you say?”
Now Daniel was really flabbergasted. He hadn't expected that at all. And suddenly he felt incredibly bad about the fuss he'd made yesterday.
“That's why I asked you to come back. I wanted to explain the whole thing to you and give you the opportunity to continue working for us anyway. Would you like that?”
Daniel couldn't say anything at first. He was just too amazed.
“Zeus? What do you say?“
”Yes, yes, yes! Of course, Mr. Abelt! Again: I'm terribly sorry about yesterday. And
“Let's just forget the whole thing, shall we?” He held out his hand to Daniel. “I expect you to continue your good work. I expect you to show your usual ambition tomorrow.” Daniel shook on it and cheered inwardly. He hadn't expected too much from the conversation, but now he was really glad that he had accepted Becki's kick in the ass and come here. He should probably listen to her more often than he had done so far anyway. He thanked his re-boss a few more times effusively, then he happily left the office and made his way towards the elevator.
“Well, what's your status?“ he was suddenly caught off guard. Jan was standing in the elevator and had apparently been waiting for him there, which was really strange. After all, he must have blocked the entire elevator.
”Were you waiting for me?”
Jan looked at him a little embarrassed, then held out a piece of paper with a slightly blurred email address and a cell phone number. “You suddenly didn't want that anymore earlier.”
“Oh,” Daniel said, and when he saw Jan's expression cloud over, he hurried to add, “Yes, I'm sometimes pretty scatterbrained. And somehow this morning I didn't quite know how to handle the situation. Sorry.“
”Then you don't mind?“ Jan looked anxiously at Daniel.
”Why should I? It could happen to anyone who isn't careful and...“
”It wasn't my fault!” Jan interrupted him rudely. Daniel raised an eyebrow. Did Jan want to tell him the story of an alcohol-soaked evening at the gay disco, when he had shagged a complete stranger in the toilet without being in control of his body?
“Do you have time for a coffee? Then I can explain it to you in peace.”
Daniel just nodded and they went down in the elevator together.
“That's really heavy,” Daniel summarized what he had just heard. He stared at Jan over his cappuccino, who seemed somehow miserable. Jan had just told him that he had been infected by his dentist because he had not disposed of the cannulas from anesthetic syringes properly, but had used them for several patients. In addition to Jan, ten other people had been infected with the HI virus. The doctor was sent to prison for three years for assault, but his victims had to suffer from his bungling for the rest of their lives. Jan was doing quite well thanks to the medication, even though the side effects were becoming increasingly noticeable. But at least Jan knew that he didn't necessarily have to die with the diagnosis of HIV. Nevertheless, it understandably bothered him.
“Yes, you said it. And you know what the worst part is? That most people think the same thing as you: 'Oh, not another fag who screws around without protection.' And that it's happening to me. But that's not fair, you know.” Jan began to sob. ”It's just not fair.” Daniel stood up and put his arm around Jan's shoulders without hesitation this time.
“Thanks,” he sniffed. “There are only a few people who are as supportive as you are. That's really good.”
"It's no big deal. What does your family think?”
“They?“ Jan laughed sourly. ‘For them, this is something like a punishment for being gay. You should have seen the flash in my father's eyes when I told him about it. It was somehow a kind of satisfaction that makes me despise him even more.’
”Hm, I'd like to quit right away. Your father is a real monster.”
Jan smiled through his tear-soaked eyes. “You're realizing that quite early, considering you've been working for him for so long.” “No, but seriously, I don't want you to risk all that for me. After all, you have a family that needs you.”
At this cue, it suddenly seemed strange to Daniel that he was standing here behind a crying young man, putting his hand on his shoulder. So he sat back down. Jan wiped the tears from his eyes and finally started eating the piece of cake he had actually ordered. But he had been overcome by his emotions during his story, so he hadn't gotten around to it.
Daniel drank his cappuccino to the last drop, then looked at his watch and said, “Listen Jan, we can meet again anytime, but I have to go now. I have to apologize to someone urgently. It's best if I write you an e-mail.”
He was about to wave to the waitress when Jan grabbed his arm.
“Wait!” he said. Daniel looked at him in confusion.
“Well,” Jan began hesitantly, “to be honest, I don't even know why I'm doing this right now, because I know exactly what will happen afterwards, and that's the last thing I want. I've never really been the romantic type, but always rather pragmatic, and I never believed in things like love at first sight, well at least until I met you.“
”Does that mean...” Daniel pulled his arm out of Jan's grip and looked at him questioningly.
“Yes, damn it, I know how stupid that is, but I think I've got a huge crush on you."
Daniel slumped in his chair. That was the last thing he needed. He had thought he had finally found a great buddy in Jan, someone to go out on the town with at night and with whom he could make up for his lost wild times. And now this.
“That's really a tough one.“
”I know, and I can't even explain it to myself. I hope that you will still get in touch with me. I have no intention of bothering you in any way. You have your wife and your children, I have no place there and I know that. I just think it would be a shame if we wouldn't see each other anymore just because of that.”
“I'll think about it,” Daniel mumbled, confused, and put a five-euro bill on the table. ‘That should do it. I have to go. See you.’
And once again he fled from Jan.
Daniel was deeply confused while he was driving home. Why had Jan told him that? He must have realized that Daniel would be offended and turn away. 'If he really knew that, then he doesn't like me very much and is trying to drive me away with it,' Daniel thought. He immediately dismissed the thought as nonsense. They had got on well together, there was no doubt about that, so it was much more likely that Jan just wanted to get rid of the whole thing. At least Daniel gave him credit for not secretly trying to get at him, but playing with an open hand.
Even if Daniel would have liked to have thought about Jan's motives further, he now had to deal with a much more urgent problem: to make up with Becki again. Of course, she had been right across the board again when it came to the matter of resigning. And she was also absolutely right in that she had forced him to seek out Abelt again.
So while he turned into the driveway, saw dark clouds moving across the sun in the sky and thought that the weather was particularly ugly this year, he got ready for the talk. He had no idea what to expect. Becki was generally pleased when she was right, but he had never seen her as angry as she was that morning. Perhaps their relationship had been seriously damaged by this and he would never be able to forgive himself for that. So he opened the front door full of fear.
“Rebecca?“ he called hesitantly when he had hung up his jacket.
”Oh dear, what's the matter with you if you don't sweet-talk my name?” Becki asked from the living room, where she was sitting with Jacob in her arms. ”Then you either have a guilty conscience, are incredibly angry or seriously ill. I think today I can accept all three, right?”
Daniel tried to read from her expression whether this was meant as a light-hearted joke or whether she was still angry with him.
“The former,” he said simply, contrite, and told her the whole story about the probationary promotion and that he would get the job. “You were absolutely right again.”
“You say that so resignedly. Are you tired of it?” Becki wanted to know, sat Jakob down on the floor and said to him, ‘Jakob, please go to your room, okay, sweetheart?’ Her son nodded and disappeared. ‘Well?’ Becki looked at Daniel questioningly.
“No, no, for heaven's sake no! I'm glad that I have you at my side, to straighten out my head when I'm about to go crazy.“
”Are you serious?” Becki stood up and faced him so that they both looked deeply into each other's eyes. She had never desired him as much as she did at that moment, but he knew very well that she was up for it.
“Deadly serious. I was an idiot to snap at you for giving me another kick in the ass to point me in the right direction. I don't even want to know what would have happened if I hadn't gone to Abelt.”
“What could have happened: You would have become unemployed and I would have left you because you opposed me.” Now Becki laughed and Daniel, who had been unsure for a moment how he should have interpreted that, was relieved.
Just as he was about to take a step towards her, the phone rang. He rolled his eyes and went into the hallway to take the call.
“I'll be upstairs,” Becki whispered to him as he picked up the phone. He nodded.
“Daniel Zeus,” he answered. It was the receptionist of his family doctor, whom he had consulted three days earlier because of strange pains in the stomach area. Daniel listened to what she had to tell him and staggered into the living room, where he had to drop onto the armchair because his legs no longer carried him.
“And you're absolutely sure? There's no mix-up or some kind of fucking mistake?!” Daniel bit his lower lip. ‘Aha, okay. Yes, I'll be right over.’ His hands trembled as he hung up. For a few moments, he stared expressionlessly out the window, where storm clouds were piling up over the houses and only a small bit of sun could be seen in the far distance.
“Becki?” he called.
“Yes?”
"I have to go out again, okay?”
“Where?“
”Oh, Abelt just forgot to have me sign something earlier. I'll be back soon, okay?“
”All right, but hurry up. Your father is coming for dinner tonight.“
”I'll see what I can do.” Daniel grabbed his jacket, took the note out of his pocket and typed Jan's number into his cell phone
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At the end of the Night