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They are making me do this. The doctors. Mostly the doctor that works on my head, and talks to me almost every day, said it would do me good. She says I can leave in a couple days.
So I'm going along with her. What the hell, maybe she's right and it will help me. She says she won't read it, she just wants me to write down what I think and remember, and read it over. And when I do, and see what comes of it.
Okay. I wanted to remember. Who doesn't want to know who they are? Or what happened to them. Or even who they know. I couldn't remember any of that.
School. I remembered going to school. I could almost see the place; lots of windows and hallways and rooms. It's weird. I knew I go to high school, but I couldn't remember the name of the place, or any friends, or teachers. Guess I should have been more worried about not remembering my house, but school seemed more important.
I'm supposed to start by writing the last thing I remember. Other than fuzzy impressions, the last thing I remember is the weird feeling I had waking up a couple days ago. I could see light around me, and hear a beeping noise. Then I could feel the bed.
Then I know I slept again.
Then I remember being woke up by being moved around, and someone was touching me all over, and I do mean all over. I tried to tell them to leave my privates alone, or at least open my eyes and see who it was. It took a couple of minutes before I could open my eyes and saw a kid about my age, I think, washing my legs. He was paying close attention to what he was doing, and it felt good, that warm cloth gently washing my skin, and feeling clean, and I fell asleep.
The next time I woke up, I felt someone touching my hand, I thought. I remember thinking, actually thinking! It seemed strange, to be able to think about something! And I felt awful. Everything ached and felt sore, I felt like I had just been born and couldn't move.
I opened my eyes and saw the same kid holding my hand that had washed me, I fuzzily remembered. I thought it was the same kid, he had the same blond hair, so I guess it was the same one. He was sitting in a blue chair next to the bed I was in. My eyes started working better and the blurriness faded a bit, then I realized I was in a hospital bed.
How did I end up here? I thought. Who was this kid? Brother? I remember a brother, but it seemed like a dream, sort of. I tried to say something to him, but I heard grunts. What was that? Can't I talk? I got scared! Yeah, looking back on it, it seems strange, but I wasn't scared until that second. I could see the room around me, the kid holding my right hand, the sun coming in the window to my left. I thought, almost clearly, but I knew then I was on some good drugs.
I looked down at me and saw the blankets over me, and the straps holding my arms down. I tried to get my hand out, I hated being tied or strapped or held down! That scary panic came, and I remembered I wasn't able to stand that! I panicked. I could hear myself making gross sounds, but I didn't care, I just had to have my hands free! I couldn't breathe!
The next thing I remember is a woman in white telling me it was all okay now, she had given me something to help me relax, and it would be okay, and I would sleep some more and would feel better when I woke up.
WOKE UP! I didn't want to sleep! Or be tied down! But the panic was going away and my vision with it, and I knew I was sleeping again.
Next thing I remember is it was dark outside. I had opened my eyes and I was facing the window and could see a single street light outside. Then everything got bright and there was a loud crack of thunder. I felt myself jump in the bed.
I felt! I realized it was storming outside and it was raining hard. I rubbed my eyes and face and it felt so good! My arms were free! I scratched my neck! It felt awesome! I scratched my chest where I found bandages wrapped all around my chest. Then my belly and then, oh shit, my junk, and it had a tube coming out it! I almost pulled it out. Then I thought, had real thoughts! I knew what it was, that it wasn't something I wanted to pull out, so I left it and went back to scratching.
Oh, man! It was great! I never knew scratching could feel so good! But I was so weak. I was breathing hard just from scratching. I had to rest. Something itched still on my arm and I saw I had tubes going in at the elbow. I followed the tubes up and they went to a blue machine standing next to the bed with a bag and a bottle hanging above it. I couldn't read it, it was blurry. I adjusted my glasses. Glasses! I wear glasses! But they weren't on my face. I tried to sit up and look for them, they had to be somewhere. What was I doing in a hospital, anyway? Then I figured that much out. When I sat up, I thought I was going to split open in about a dozen places! Everywhere hurt all of a sudden! I got a headache and put my hand on my head and felt more bandages.
What the hell happened to me? I was sitting there, trying to remember anything, when the kid came in the door. He had a tray in his hands, and when he came a couple steps into the room, he looked at me and he looked like he was going to panic. His eyes got real big and he dropped the tray and ran out the door yelling for his mom. Our mom? My brother? He was familiar. Why was he scared? Did I look that bad? I bet I did, all wrapped up and scared like I was.
He came running back in with a woman in blue jeans and a blue shirt who was pulling a guy in a white coat behind her. The kid came running up to me and said, "Oh, Jared, man! It's fucking time!" before the woman tisked and told him not to swear, no matter how he felt.
She asked me how I felt, and the guy, obviously a doctor- I said I was starting to think- asked how I felt.
How did I feel? Fucking awful! Everything everywhere hurt or ached. That's exactly what I said, but it came out like the noises you make when making fun of retards. I tried again, but it sounded about the same.
The woman told the boy, Chris, to get me a drink. He smiled and filled a cup with water and held the straw for me. The doctor said to drink slow so I didn't get sick. I didn't pay any attention. The boy pulled the cup away, depriving me of more cold water! It was so good! It was hard to swallow at first, and I choked and gagged as he wiped my mouth and said he was sorry. For what? My fault.
The doctor was asking me more questions and telling me he thought I was doing pretty well. He said don't talk, just relax, he would be back later, and that I looked good.
Yeah, sure!
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